About Last Night...

I have decided to re-post what I wrote last night but with sober commentary.  There are definitely some things that need clarification.   I will attempt to explain the thinking behind what I said last night, but I can only guess in some places.  Like I have no idea why I wanted to go to the bike path that badly and I no longer understand the point of Twitter or why I said that I did in the first place.  I know that I felt like I reached some profound understanding last night, but I have absolutely no recollection of what that was.   Anyway, this is why I don't drink very often.  Carry on.  

This is "sober me." 

This is "drunk me."


Okay you guys.  I am going to do my first real drunk-blog.  On a Sunday night.  Because I don't have a job so I can do stuff like this and it doesn't matter.

That paragraph wasn't so bad.  I got my point across clearly and succinctly. What's next? 

I kind of planned something like this as a publicity stunt earlier, but I never did it because I am a coward.  But today Boyfriend impulse-bought a bottle of wine at Safeway and he hadn't made pasta yet and I guess I kind of got tricked into drunk-blogging. 

I got "tricked into drunk-blogging"?  I don't remember what I was thinking there, but I am pretty sure no one tricked me.  I think it was more like Boyfriend bought some wine because we were going to make pasta with shrimp (because buying shrimp is always a smart thing to do when you are poor) and he wanted to use the wine in the dressing.  Then *I* was like "I know what would be a good idea!  Let's get drunk!"  And then we each had a glass of wine (and by "each had a glass of wine" I mean "I had a 16-ounce coffee mug of wine and I don't know what Boyfriend did because I was too busy drinking and tweeting") and I got really drunk and Boyfriend didn't because he is responsible and has a normal BMI.  And *he* didn't get so excited about getting drunk that he forgot to eat dinner until 9:00 PM.

I am already one coffee-mug full of wine into this thing, but I drank it really fast because I hate alcohol but I still want to be drunk like a normal person. 

Are normal people drunk?  What did I mean when I said that?  I think I was probably referring to the fact that most people my age drink all the time and they are just fine with it, so I should be too. 

I feel like I am doing really well with being coherent so far.  I guess we'll see if I feel that way in the morning.

It is now the morning and I don't feel like I was being coherent even at this early stage.  

So anyway, I'll keep updating this as the night wears on.  Maybe it will be interesting but I can't exactly guarantee that.

Yeah, not that interesting.  Maybe I should get some friends.  

I will try to respond to comments as you guys make them.

Didn't do that. 

Oh!  And I will be tweeting because I hear that tweeting while drunk is like an out-of-body experience.  Like maybe I'll finally understand what Twitter is for or some shit. 

If you haven't looked at my tweets from last night, you should probably do that.  I think I am much better at drunk-tweeting than drunk-blogging.  Probably because the character-limit on Twitter makes it difficult to ramble. I am prone to rambling as it is, then you add alcohol and I pretty much transform into F. Scott Fitzgerald.  If you got that reference, good for you.  And I'm sorry your English teacher made you read that book.   

Okay.  I'm getting bad at typing so I am going to go drink more (logically) and then we'll do this again.   Who is we?  I am the one typing.  I guess maybe I have multiple personalities while drunk. 

I can clearly see that I was referring to "you guys and me" when I said "we" and I think I knew that when I first typed "we" but then I forgot that that was what I was talking about 19 seconds later and I became confused by myself and started questioning my psychological integrity.    

I am probably going to say something super offensive.  I just have a bad feeling about all of this.  But I'm doing it anyway because I'm drunk and I can't stop blogging because I'm a blogalcoholic.  That didn't make sense but it kind of did.

I don't think I said anything offensive or very interesting for that matter.  I talked about bears a lot and "the bike path" because, for some reason, I had a total boner for the bike path last night.  

Well, I'm not actually an alchoholic since I don't really drink alcohol.   I am more of a seasonal binge-drinker.  I go months without drinking and then BAM!  I randomly decide to get drunk because I am impulsive.  Have we covered that already?


Yes.  Yes we did cover it.  Lot of times.  And I am glad that I clarified on the alcoholic thing.  If I didn't, you guys might have thought that getting drunk all by myself on Sunday night was a regular thing in my life.  It's not.  I'm just impulsive.  

Okay.  I am going to hit post now.  Should I update this entry or make new posts for all of my subsequent (which is a big word for a drunk person) posts?  Is that redundant?




I like how I am writing like I'm talking on the phone.  Like I need to alert you guys that I may stop writing soon.  It's not like you were watching me type.  I could have just ended after "probably" and everyone would have accepted that as the end because there were no more words after it.  

UPDATE: (I forgot to put that in there last night) So I just left a comment on Mr. Asshol douch-face's blog (remember the guy we were all going to insult because he insulted me? )

The insult "Mr. Asshol douch-face" isn't really as hardcore as I thought it was last night.  Especially since half of the words are missing an "e".  I've been insulted by drunk people before and I always kind of looked down on them, like I would never be dumb enough to get drunk and start yelling at people in a less-than-cogent fashion.  Does it still count when you do it on the internet?  

I almost think it's worse when you type out something like "Mr. Asshol douch-face."  Because if you are just saying it aloud to someone, the possibility exists that it will still sound phonetically similar to what you are intending to say and perhaps you'll be granted a bit more leniency by your audience since there is no backspace button for speaking.  With typing, there are no excuses.  And phonetics don't matter.  

This is the comment I left him:

I am going to edit this part parenthetically because there aren't any paragraphs.

I am drunk and you are a douche bag. So there's that. (I opened with a zinger. Booyah.) Seriously though, if I was a mean person, I would probably call you a queef-faced man-child with stupid disease. (that was almost as good as "Mr. Asshol douch-face) I guess I just kind of did. (Yes. I did. And I don't know why I would have hesitated because that is not a very hurtful insult.) And guess what? No, serioulsy... guess what? DOUCHE BAG!!!!! (Yes, I think I already called him that. Twice. In fact, it probably wouldn't have been very hard at all to guess that that was what I was going to say. So much for the element of surprise.) ahahhahaajjajajja (Am I Mexican? Why am I laughing with J's? More importantly, why am I even laughing? It's like I think I invented the term "douche bag" or something.) I am so glad I am drunk and that we're friends. (Since when am I friends with this guy?) Kind of. (Oh... I see what I was trying to do. I think I was trying to be mean when I said "kind of." Like I thought I had tricked him into thinking we were friends and he would be surprised when I sarcastically informed him that we were not actually friends. Ouch. That must have really hurt him.) You should really do something better with your life though. (now I'm all serious and advice-y?) You aren't a good person. (That was harsh. I will be really surprised if this guy hasn't killed himself yet.) What if someone stopped blogging because of your insults? (That's actually a valid point. Good job me.) Would that be funny? (No. Absolutely not.) Kind of, (what??) but it is also immoral you fucking douch-y ass-bandit. (There I go with the "douche" thing again. I guess that's my go-to insult when I'm drunk. And I think when I said "kind of" in response to when I asked "would that be funny" I was trying to get all tactical and make him think that I agreed with him so he would be more likely to listen to me and then he'd be more vulnerable to my verbal onslaught.) I bet you looked at my blog and you were all "I could never compete with that." Becasue you totally couldn't. (Yeah, me, I bet that is exactly why he insulted me. Good catch.) I could out-blog you while drunk. (I'm really spitting fire now. Watch out, guy.) Whatever that means. (Oh, look at that! It's almost like I actually knew I was being an idiot but then just said "ah fuck it - I'm drunk and it doesn't matter.") If you want to find out, you should probably challenge me to a blog-off now because I am drunk and I would totally own your ass. (I am so glad he did not challenge me to anything. I don't think I was capable of owning asses at that point.) Can I be frank? (Oh please, can I?) You are a douche bad. (FAIL) I don't know if I told you that already, but I should have. (Oh, I told him already. In fact, you'd think I was writing a pay-per-post promoting the term "douche bag" except I got drunk and messed up that last one and ended up promoting "douche bad" which is probably a rival company and I am going to get fired in this imaginary pay-per-post fantasy of mine. Am I still drunk?) Dude. (That is not a complete sentence by any stretch of the imagination and should not be ended by a period.) YOu told me I was lame and even though I am, I am also not lame at all. (I am sure he understood what I meant.) I have a fucking trophy in my living room. (No I don't.) For all of my accomlishments. (Oh yes - my "accomlishments". There are so many of them!) It says "Allie: BEST FUCKING PERSON EVER!!!!!!!!!!" (it doesn't) and it totally has all of those exclamation points too (It definitely doesn't because guess what? It doesn't even fucking exist in reality.) Have you ever thought about life? I was going to say something profound here, but I forgot what I was going to say and so I just said this: Probably not. because you are a douche bag. (I think that was the point at which I gave up on making a convincing argument and just settled for repetition) Later, tater. (Because that is something that normal people say) -Allie (Yup. It was definitely me who said all that.)

I think I won, but I'm not sure. 

Well, technically I couldn't have won because I was never in a competition in the first place. Details...

UPDATE: I am ]\just ate dinner. (I was trying to hit backspace and just ending up hitting ]\ instead) I had pasta. It had shrimp in it and Boyfriend was video-taping me and he tried to make me feel bad about eating the shrimp because he knows that I personify inamninate objects and that is just not fair. He said "Don't leave that shrimp in there... it DIED for you!" and then I had to eat the rest of the shrimp because I felt bad. It might be a funny video but I honestly don't know if anyone else in the world would understand. Does anyone else feel bad for leaving a shrimp or two behind? Like maybe they died for nothing because you aren't eating them? I feel l9ke a big jerk.

Okay, so Boyfriend never actually tried to make me feel bad for not eating a shrimp. He tried to make me feel bad for not eating a tomato - but that is not the same thing as a shrimp and you would think I could have recognized that, but no.

Anyway, I asked Boyfriend if he wanted to go on an adventure and he was like "it depend on where you wan to go adventuring," And I said "on the bike path!"

(I like how the text suddenly gets all huge.  Also, I have no idea what my fixation with "the bike path" was, but for some reason I thought that there would be something really cool there or something.  There wasn't. But I did almost break my leg when I ran away from Boyfriend and fell into a ditch.)

So maybe that is where we are going to go.

Who knows?!

WE could go anywhere.

(Not really. We could go to the river. Or the bike path. Or maybe Taco Bell. But anywhere? Not buying it. Too poor. Wow - that last sentence had a double meaning!)

UPDATE: So I didn't update as much as I thought I would. I was too busy advernturing and then Boyfriend bought ice cream and that distracted me and so did Twitter.

"Advernturing" - good one.

And guess what?

Oh, I couldn't possibly...

I get Twitter now. It is like a conference call only with typing instead of talking but if it was talking, each person would only be allowed to talk for 12 seconds before being cut off. It keeps everything even and it forces you to be very efficient. Like, a lot of times I write out "it is" when all I need to do is "it's" - I knew that before, but Twitter really drilled it home. And does it seem like shortening "it is" to "it's" should save way more than one measly character? It does to me. We should set things on fire to protest.

That didn't make any sense. Why would anyone want to be on a conference call where they get cut off after 12 seconds? That would definitely get in the way of productivity and would not be a good idea at all.

Or not.

I'm glad I clarified that I didn't actually want you guys to set things on fire in real life. Or maybe I was trying to convey that you had the option of not setting things on fire. I'm sure you would have been so confused if I hadn't told you.

I should probably go to bed now. Boyfriend is sitting next to me on the couch and sighing loudly and hinting about how he has to get up in the morning to go to his job like a real person. I told him that I need to stay up at least long enough to drink orange juice, but I just looked up and he is already in the other room brushing his teeth so I don't think he heard me. Jerk.

A "real person"? Am I Pinnochio?

Anyway, thanks for being awesome. And thanks for helping me beat down douche-face crap blog-guy.  

Yes. Thank you. And thank you for supporting me when I called him "douche bad." That must have been difficult, but I know you guys had my back.

And guess what I just realized? That dude? the one we were just talking about? He writes insults on practically every place on the whole internet and most of the people he insults go look at his blog to see who the hell he thinks he is and they probably look at his comments to see how others are reacting so as to gauge their responses accordingly and guess what that means? ALL of us just got some major exposure by commenting on his blog. And for that, we win.  

I like how I didn't realize this until I was hammered and then I was like "oh yeah! Good marketing move sober me!"

You're welcome.  
I really do end up accidentally making good blogging decisions. And then I make some bad ones too. Like drinking half of a bottle of... hold on... "Ravenwood" wine from Safeway. That may not have been such a good blogging decision.

That would be "Raven's Wood." I don't know how I got that wrong because the word "Raven's" is separated from the word "Wood" by almost four whole inches on the label. There should have been no confusion whatsoever as to whether those words should be combined.

Anyway, I am rambling (really???) and that means bedtime. Also, Boyfriend came back from brushing his teeth and he is standing in the doorway glaring at me like I am the worst girlfriend ever for getting drunk and ruining his "real person"-who-goes-to-bed-before 4AM routine. Psh... Sorry. Jesus.

I think I was really was pissed off at boyfriend for going to bed. How dare he ruin my little party?! And just because he had to get up to go do cancer research in the morning?? Unbelievable...

This is a picture of me from last night. After you get beyond the fact that I am unbelievably hot, you may find yourself wondering about that scab on my chin. That is from when I tried to get rid of a zit by putting toothpaste on it (it's supposed to work - look it up if you don't believe me). I think I put on waaaaaay too much toothpaste. I put a Band Aid on it and left it overnight and in the morning? No more zit, but I had melted my face off. If I end up posting videos from last night, you will see that I am quite fixated on this scab. I keep asking boyfriend "can you see my scab?" And "do I still look hot even though I have a scab on my face?" At one point, I even ordered boyfriend to film me on my "good side" so no one could see my scab.


carissajaded said...

hahahaha this is so awesome.. I can't believe I had never drunk blogged. I've ambien blogged.. but never drunk. I might have to get drunk tonight.

And i always put toothpaste on my pimples. No evidence that it actually works... but I try.

Amy said...

My stomach hurts from laughing. Your blog has made it to my "too funny to read during work hours list" because it hurts to keep laughter in. Physically hurts. At least it does me.

Tony said...

Cancer research < having fun with drunk Allie in my book. I'll tell you why. Cancer's still going to be there tomorrow, but drunk Allie? Well, that wears off after a couple of hours.

Erin said...

And I thought the first post was good.. geez. This one was even better. This one absolutely made my day!!

Allie said...

carissajaded - I think you'll find that it is slightly overrated. I kind of thought there'd be more fireworks or at least a parade or something - but no. Just me sitting on a couch and being less capable of accomplishing everyday tasks like walking and speaking.

Amy - Sorry :) I don't really feel that funny today, either. Some days it comes easy, but not so much today... So thank you!

Tony - that is an awesome point. I wish I had thought of it last night. I am going to use it next time I get drunk and Boyfriend will be all mad because he acts like an adult and I don't.

Erin - It makes me feel super-awesome when I can make someone's day. Sometimes I feel like blogging is a selfish pursuit, but then I realize that it makes other people feel good, so that's awesome for everybody!

Angela said...

I've tried Xanax blogging but I always just fall asleep or become too relaxed to care. Sorry about your face. You know you can put pee on your zits if you don't mind the fact that it is freaking gross and that it is urine. I've never actually tried it. You are fabulous!

Ellie said...

Oooh... toothpaste in the wrong place HURTS.

Kirsten said...

Ohh I did the tooth paste thing too! I only had the whitening kind though. So it was pretty much an experiment to see if I could become even paler than I already am.

StaceyAytch said...

I'm so glad I chose last night to discover your blog. That was some class A drunk blogging.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

Funny, funny!! This one is even more hysterically funny than the drunken blog.I'm SO pleased I've found your blog. Busy catching up on your archive.

Noelle said...

omg. i laughed so hard at this. for what its worth, i thought "douche bad" was intentional- and brilliant.

Shaky Jake said...

This is the start of a wonderful social experiment among EVERY person to EVER write a blog in the history of blogs or writing. (Or people.)

I hope you realize that you've started a chain of events which may eventual lead to the complete dismantling of sober blogging. Nothing is ever as funny as somebody saying something when they're drunk, especially if what they're trying to say is not intended to be funny.

Good god I love this blog.

Anonymous said...

The post was mildly hilarious, and then came that picture. That boosted it up to pants-pissing-level of hilarity.