I Am So Broken...

Okay, so I sat down to write a funny post about how I will never be able to make money from this blog because I am so messed up in the head, but it didn't really turn out like I thought it would.  It started out a little funny then actually got a little serious.  But I'm posting it anyway because I am feeling irrational right now.  Here goes....

I think I may have mentioned several times how I don't have a job and I have been getting a lot of feedback from you guys via comments and email saying "DUH, Allie... why don't you make blogging your job and that way you can make money and also keep entertaining all of us."

And yes, that would pretty much be the most awesome thing ever - but here's the problem:  I am paralyzed by confusion, doubt and the complete inability to ask anyone for anything.

For example: Last night, I went out to eat at a cafe where they sell cheap burgers that are probably made out of cat meat but I don't want to think about it.  After I ate my cat-burger, I was really thirsty but my water was gone.  It was late, so the waitress was not busy - in fact, she was sitting there doing nothing about 10 feet from me.  But did I ask her for water?  No.  I got up to go fill my cup from the bathroom sink.  Luckily the waitress saw me getting up and asked me if I needed anything at which point I felt huge relief for not having to drink bathroom water but still had trouble croaking out "could I get more water, please?" because I am psychologically broken.

Being broken like I am, it is very hard for me to ask you guys for anything.  I feel like it is my job to write stuff and just sit here and hope that someday some guy in a zoot suit (he will definitely be wearing a zoot suit because people do that sometimes) will walk up to me and say "I will pay you one million dollars to write your blog even though you are already doing it for free..."

And then I would say "oh, you don't have to do that..." because I am weak and stupid and I can't even accept gifts in my own damn fantasy because I am more worried about being liked by the imaginary man in the zoot suit than I am about being able to afford real heat or a real bed or real food.

I mean, I can ask people to do joke-y stuff for me, like propagate the Mandatory Sex Party thing, but as soon as it comes to asking for something real and serious, like helping to promote me or donating or any of the other possible crap I could potentially ask you guys to do if I was braver and less unsure of myself - I completely shut down and will not do it.  I just start worrying too much about how I don't deserve it and how I look stupid for ever thinking I would be worthy of something like that.

Is that bad?


At any rate, I would love nothing more than to do this for a living if I could just get my head around the fact that people actually like reading what I write and I am actually a good blogger and plenty of other bloggers get paid to do what I do for free.

But will I be able to make myself understand that?  Probably not.  I will probably end up sitting in a corner, shaking from self-doubt because I wrote an honest post about how I want to make money from blogging and I think that people will look at it and think "who the hell does she think she is?  She is not nearly good enough to be a professional blogger!   I could write posts about mandatory sex parties in my sleep - even if I was retarded and wearing chinese finger traps on all of my fingers..."  And even though no one actually said that or thought that I will start crying because maybe someone thought that and I believe it is true even though I made it up and I probably should have stayed in therapy long enough to work on some of my self-esteem issues but I didn't.

Yes.  You heard that correctly.  I will become emotionally distraught over an imaginary scenario that has no bearing in reality and I will believe this fabrication over the real world evidence presented by my StatCounter that says at least 1,500 unique people like me every day.  I will pass that off by saying - "oh, most of those people probably got here on accident and then thought I was lame so they left..." and then I will focus on the part in this post where I said "I would love nothing more than to do this for a living if I could just get my head around the fact that people actually like reading what I write and I am actually a good blogger and plenty of other bloggers get paid to do what I do for free" and I will begin to question whether there is any validity to that statement whatsoever because now I am sure that people hate me and think I'm lame and why did I even write that?

And then I will continue to spiral into a self-esteem crisis just like every other time I put myself out there and risk sounding stupid.

This is really how my mind works.

I am sorry this post wasn't funnier.  I had to get it off my chest.

I promise I'll write something funny when I am done being all pessimistic and self-critical.

Thank you for reading and making me feel good about myself every day.  Even if I never make a cent from this blog, I will still love doing it.


Amy said...

Ok, seriously, you need to get a grip. That post, that post that you said ended up being totally not funny... yeah, still funny. Sad... and completely ridiculous, but funny. You have a talent. You have a way to express that talent that could earn you an income. Maybe not a great income at first, but it would be something.

And here's the biggest thing. If it doesn't work. Who cares? Seriously. Who. Cares? What harm is there in doing it? None. Sure, some people don't like when they decide that people have "sold out" screw 'wm. You need to eat and you're good at this blogging thing. So do it.

When it comes down to it, though we love you. You don't know us and we don't know you. So if it doesn't work out we're just like this internet kinetic mass out there.

And I'd say, from the comments I've read, that not only will your readers be fine with you trying to earn a living, they'll click as many ads as they can to help you out. And if it doesn't work, we'll still all be here reading.

There is no good reason to pass up on trying to do this. You're funny, you write well and you're actually providing a service for those of us who follow your blog because no matter what is going on, you provide a brief respite from the insanity of our lives and give us a few moments of levity. You should make money from it.

Anyway, that's all.

And excuse any typos, I'm at work and trying to type this at super bionic speed and my fingers only work acurately when set at semi bionic.



Angie said...

You're a great blogger, and you could definitely make some money! Why not seek out some advertisers? Why not look for websites that are looking for humour writers/columnists? Go get 'em girl! The world is your oyster! And you're hilarious. I almost peed yesterday when I read through some of your stuff. You made me dribble in my panties... so you WIN!

Unknown said...

My Girlfriend treats herself exactly the same way.

Tony said...

I think your blog is one of the best blogs I've ever read. I know it's your intention to make people laugh, but I don't know if it's your intention to make people think. It probably is, but I just wanted to sound cool for a second. I mean, whenever I read your posts, I laugh my ass off, and then I recall a similar moment that I've experienced in my life, and find it funny.

You're freaking awesome. That's a fact, not an opinion. I'm pretty certain that one day soon, you will be getting paid for writing in this blog. And if you don't, will you at least take pleasure if I name my first born after you? Because I totally will as a way of saying thank you for making me laugh. Even if I have a boy, his name shall be Allie.

Take care, and be happy! Try not to think of those assholes who may hate your blog (although I'm positive that no one could hate your blog). If there are assholes that hate your blog, I will find them and twist their nipples.

Adelaide said...

1500 unique visitors a day? Damn, I get excited when I have over thirty.

Seriously though, maybe you could just ease into the whole "professional blogging" thing really slowly. I mean, you could put a couple of small ads in your sidebar or something (it won't pay the rent, but if you get a certain amount of money for each unique hit you get in a day, you'll get some money). Next week when I'm bored at work (in between reading your posts, of course), I'll look up some making-money-with-your-blog ideas and e-mail you any good, non-asking-people-to-do-too-much-for-you ones.

In the mean time, you might think about talking to any professional bloggers who read this this site (there must be a few) and finding out how they make a living.

BlackLOG said...

I'm not sure there is a great deal of money to be made blogging (there are a lot of excellent blogs out there). The real hope is that you get a book deal.

Most people blog because they get a kick out of entertaining people. Yes I would love to make money blogging but if start thinking like that I start trying to blog to a formula and don't enjoy it.

Work on the basis 'Build it and they will come' - enjoy yourself and if you are lucky Zoot suit will appear, dump a suit case of money on you and demand very little for it.

Sara L. said...

I read a lot of mommy bloggers even though I'm not a mommy just because I've always found them interesting. But your blog is the first blog that I ever felt I could relate to. I never have felt like I could actually be friends with the people who write the blogs I read, but I could definitely be friends with you!

I know that you can't just stop being self-conscious when people tell you to, but I really hope you take to heart all the comments you're getting on this one. Because I agree with every comment so far on here, and apparently we all love you 100% even if we don't know you personally. (Which I guess makes us all creepers.)

If I had a ton of extra money, I would happily donate to your blogging fund because with talent like this, you deserve it! Is there another way we can help you?

Hope everything works out for you! Don't get discouraged!

Nikole said...

Dear Allie,

You are the shit. Seriously, I just started reading your blog a few days ago and it is already my favorite. I've spent ridiculous amounts of time doing nothing but read your archives and laugh my ass off. You're a real girl living a less than perfect but more than hilarious life and I think that allows people to relate to you on a basal level. At least I do. You're providing the therapy that all the rest of us crazies can't afford and doing it way more efficiently too! I guarantee 2000 of those 1500 people would back you 100% on going after some money making. Probably because we're all selfish assholes that want to keep reading, but hey, if it keeps you eating =]

Keep on keepin' on,

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I understand the self-doubt and the feeling like you're unworthy and ridiculous for even thinking about it, but DO IT. DO IT, seriously. DO IT. You know what? Email the Bloggess. Ask her some questions. I bet she'd be really helpful, she just seems like she would take the time to answer you. You like how I'm all offering up the Bloggess's time?

You are the funniest shit out there. You know what's got me in hysterics today? That line about the sneeze build-up, "This is gonna be rad." I bet you don't even think you're half as funny as you actually are.

If you don't find a way to make money at this, there is no justice in the world and I'm going to set the Internet on fire.

Chris Gooch said...


How much do I adore you? Incredibly so.

In fact so much so that I don't like the thought of sharing you with millions of others. But at least I can say stuff like "I knew her in the early days before she became a celebrity and named her children after all the states and used money for toilet paper" etc.

As an athlete, you must be used to setting targets so why should you not apply the same to your blog? Use that single-mindedness to your advantage, go into the win zone, achieve your personal best.

Would I pay to read you? Yes.

In fact you are perhaps one of only two bloggers that I've come across that I would. And I've read hundreds of them.

Can I make a suggestion? Why don't you email someone like The Onion and see if they can throw some work your way...

Organic Meatbag said...

For what it's worth, I think you are a really kick-ass blogger, and I don't just dish out praise like it's tic-tacs...just sayin'...

Gigi said...

Seriously, is it a woman thing?? Because I'm the same way about everything!!

But I love your blog Allie. And you know there must be about 20 years difference in our ages - so think about it; you span the age demographics! How many writers/comedians can say that? Not many!

You are fabulous dahlink! Mwah!

Sarah said...

You're hilarious. You have an understanding of sentence structure and can spell out entire words, srsly LOLz.
Anyhoo, this blog is awesome, and it's just a first step.
I notice there are no ads here, not even the totally unobtrusive AdSense ads.
You should add some ads and also know that I'm addicted to your blog and have been for, like, 5 days.
AND, one of my friends commented to me on FB about you today. FB fan site time, baby.
And twitter.
And also, possibly, you should consider maybe talking to people just as funny as you who do make a living (The Bloggess?) doing this.
And then you should start writing blog-post-length comments, because all awesome people do.
/crappy advice from someone who doesn't do any of the above.

Sarah said...

Oh yeah, and Adelaide ^^ up there ^^, she's right. 1500 hits!

I practically threw myself a parade because your link sent, like, 40 people to my site yesterday.

Pia said...

Allie, stop the self doubt! You are hilarious. I love your blog, every post of yours makes me laugh out loud!

Anonymous said...

Allie! Why did you change your about me?? I loved the about me...I read it every time I visited (which is like twice a day, because you're hilarious) even though I'd read it a million times, and it was still awesome every time!

melissa said...

Allie, I know exactly what you're saying. With me it's not so much being afraid to ask people for something, it's more social retardation in general.
I was going to go on and give you an example to show you that I really do know how hard it is, but then I started depressing myself and thinking no one wants to hear this anyway.. so yeah, I get it.

But as far as your blogging abilities, you're just fabulous! :)
I only found your blog a few days ago, and it's absolutely my new favorite. I've wanted to start a blog for a long time, and your blog has inspired me to atleast start putting one together. As far as posting goes, I'm not there yet.
But yeah, I look forward to your posts every day. Keep it up girl!

juosen said...


Having known many an insecure and low-self-esteem person (and having, at points in my life, been one) - shit sucks! It's good that you have a constructive way to deal with it - writing about it in a humorous way.

And it's obvious that your writing is attracting quite a bit of attention. If people pass your blog by word of mouth to other people - and you get a heap of visitors every day - well, it stands to reason that eventually you will have an awful lot of people reading!

I'm not sure exactly what the reasons for your joblessness are (besides, well, the fact that you're in Missoula and that the economic situation could be summed up by one big frowny face) BUT I am aware that quite a few people have made it on the internet on the virtue of their writing.

Set up a donation link on Paypal, maybe, and see what happens. It is my solemn guarantee that no one will think ill of it. Nope. You're not allowed to doubt. It's guaranteed!

I hope it works out for the best.

(ps: are you still running?)

OhSweetSara said...

Ok, so you need money, we need Mandatory Sex Party T-shirts, I say you market them and then we all win.

When I am at a restaurant and I run out of a beverage I make the other person ask the server for me. Like I'll say, "Hey, if you see our server, will you flag them down, I need more beverage" (I usually say this with a pout), and then I will stuff my face so that when the server finally does come over, I have a full mouth so my eating buddy has to order me another beverage and I don't have to speak. You are so not alone. Speaking as someone whose insecurities are almost crippling, I understand what you are going through.

You are one of my favorite bloggers, top 2 and that's because I'm such a huge fan of both I can't pick a first and second place.

You make people laugh and you write really well. I’m not talking just about what you say; I’m talking about the structure of your writing.

I say make money from your blog. From the looks of it you have some serious support. You want to have an income and you’re good a blogging. Make the money whatever way you can. Hey, making money off of your blog is better that prostitution.

Kait said...

I love this blog. And I think you'd be a great...uh...professional blogger.

From a reader's point of view, here's the one thing that I can tell you would make me stop reading, cause I've seen it happen with other blogs: Just...don't go down the desperate "How many people read this followers read my blog followers I need followers followers followers" route. I've seen with quite a few bloggers---like, it gets mentioned EVERY post, and it makes them look like they're not blogging for fun or because they love it at all, but just to get this mysterious Number go up, and up. And it's wicked lame.

I don't think will happen here, though. It's obvious that you love making people laugh, and you have a real talent for it, so don't be so down on yourself.

Kait said...

So right after I commented I realized that you did mention something about your followers but THAT'S TOTALLY NOT WHAT I MEANT. Talk about that all you want! Just don't let it become the blog, is what I was saying. (Or, I mean, let it become it, if you want.I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do. I'm so, so awkward.)

Carrieann said...

If I had money, I would pay you to write your blog. But I have to put my foot down at the zoot suit. I don't look good in silver. (I imagine zoot suits in silver.)

Homemaker Man said...

don't ask anyone for anything. Except water. It's definitely ok to ask for water when you are thirsty. I promise. But as far as making money goes, just put some ads up and we'll click on them. No questions asked. Or answered.


The REAL money is in obscene origami, I keep telling people that.

Listen Ally. I found your blog again almost a year later, and I'm sorry for all that missed time, your incredible and you already have a chorus here to say the same thing about your blog. I'm not the one to ask about making money on a blog, but if anyone can make a blog turn a coin, it's you.

have you looked into a fake seances scam?

EDYet said...

(you can't see me, so you'll have to visualise this bit: remember in Wayne's World when they met Alice Cooper {oh crap, what if you HATE Mike Myers / Wayne's World / Alice Cooper & just stopped reading this?!?} and they're on their knees bowing & shouting, "we're not worthy! We're not worthy!"? That's what I'm doing. Well, not right this second, obviously, on account of needing one hand to text & the other to smoke, but totally what I was doing right before I started this comment. {If you're too young for WW, I'm out of movie references, sorry})

Anonymous said...

Ummm, Allie. You have 1,500 followers? I've been blogging for two years, and I only have about 100 firm followers per day, and I considered that pretty awesome. Considering how fast your blog is growing (since I've found your blog a few weeks ago, I already know a handful of my followers that are now following you), you're not going to have anything to worry about.

YOu don't have to necessarily ask for money, just start marketing yourself. You're not just a blogger, you're a writer. I think what you need to do first and foremost and start social networking more...start linking people, start following others, Tweet your ass off, etc.

Jim Smith II said...

A - Everyone above makes good points that I won't belabor here, I'll just say that you're DAMN funny, and I'm thrilled to have found your blog. Some of the funniest stuff I've read in a long time. Could you make some cash doing this? I think you could...

frogpondsrock said...

The funny. You have it.

Angela said...

You are great! I stayed up all night catching up on the archives. Very funny.

Brighton Mum-Teenage Angst said...

Allie, I found you through Gigi & your Mandatory Sex party. Your blog is one of THE funniest ones I read! You write everything thats it your head, without editing..brilliant! My favourite line? 'ahahhahaajjajajja (Am I Mexican? Why am I laughing with J's?' on your 'sober' version of your drunken blog, made me snort tea through my nose..actually that wasnt that nice, it stings like f**k!

Random said...

Want to feel better? The insanity that is your blog and is in your head is in mine too. And it amuses the hell out of me. And I'm too scared to even blog. I feel like no one would EVER read it and then I'd be the sad little person with no reason for blogging putting thoughts out there that no one would read. :) Yeah, see... at least you're a step ahead of me.

Oh, and I like that you can actually spell. I've read many of yours now and have yet to see an inaccurate "your" vs "you're". :)

Clarissa said...

So, I'm definitely posting this really late, but I've been reading your entire archive from the start and I love your blog!

Also, I started reading a day ago, first from the beginning and then I changed my mind and started from the beginning... but yeah, you're great!

Lifecolor said...

I read one of your blogs, the one about why you'll never be an adult, and I fell in love. Everyone that I've shown your blog has laughed their ASS off.


And part of the reason is you're so much like ME. This post: ME.

I don't get into all your shenanigans, but there's something about you so REAL and UTTERLY *LIKABLE*. You are a GEM, and since first reading your blog, I have promised myself that I will read every single one of your blogs. Sure, some are better than others, but each of them have that sweet silliness that I find completely irresistible, and it keeps bringing me back.

While many of your posts are hilariously self depreciatory (and I absolutely love them!), posts like this, where you reveal your insecurities with a more vulnerable tone (though still quite humorous), make me respect you and your comedic genius that much more.

Being as I've written this response almost a year after you wrote it, I know that you've obviously continued writing, but I hope that you *never* stop. :D