Letters: Volume 3 (Magazine Edition)

Okay you guys, this is the last Letters post for awhile - I promise.   We'll move on to something else tomorrow.   But I had to post this one.  It's just too sexy not to post.  You'll understand shortly... 

Dear Cosmopolitan Magazine;

I have written a column about 100 ways to spice up your sex life.  I think this piece would be a refreshing departure from your usual lineup.

I promise, you have never, ever, ever heard these ones before.  These are completely new concepts.  My article does not contain one single word that your readers will recognize from previous issues.  I have most definitely not listed exactly the same things on every other list you have ever published except with a few bizarre twists that no guy actually wants done to him.

My revolutionary list entices the reader to "try massaging your partner's perineum with Neosporin" or "tie your partner up with a rope made from completely renewable resources that costs $4 more than other ropes" or "try exploring each other's erogenous zones - and do it while wearing a scuba mask and singing along to Sting's 'Every Breath You Take.'"

And I have liberally applied the concept of combining the word "sex" with other words.  For sexample:  sexceptional, sexorcism, sextraterrestrial, sexcommunication, sexistentialism, sexport, sextermination, sexaggerate, sextrapolate, sexponential, sextreme, sextemporaneous, sex (that's sex combined with ex - like if you had sex with your ex boyfriend, you'd say you had "sex." LOL), FedSex, complsexity, sextrovert, sexamination, sextortion, sexplosive diarrhea, Kleensex, Microsoftcore sExcel, sexcalibur, sexacerbate, sexalted, sexasperated, sexcavation, sexceedingly, sexcrement, sexcretions, sexcruciating, sexcuse me, sexcuse moi?, sexecutive branch, sexecutive power, sexecution, sExedrine, sexemplify, sexonerate and my personal favorite, which is the very embodiment of what your magazine is all about: sexfoliate.  ISN'T THAT THE MOST AWESOME THING YOU HAVE EVER HEARD?   I bet you are just shitting yourselves over being able to publish that word for the first time.

But that list is not representative of the magnitude of my actual collection of sex/word hybrids - it is just a sexerpt!  If you want, I can sexplain more clearly.  LOL (that means "laughing out loud" which I'm not really doing - more like chuckling or merely breathing a little faster, but still).

If you don't feel comfortable publishing such a reformative piece, I have also prepared a list of 10 Must-Have Items for Fall.   Just a hint - it doesn't include an EPMotion automatic pipetting machine.  Or does it??

You won't regret your decision to publish me.


Dear Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition;

Here is my submission:

You're welcome.


Dear Time Magazine;

I am writing to request inclusion on your list of 100 Most Influential People.   I don't know if you've noticed, but I have over 100 followers on Blogger.   I get roughly 200 page hits every single day.  Well, except for Saturday and Sunday.  Apparently my readers have better things to do on the weekend than devote every waking second to reading my blog and commenting.  It's okay.  My feelings aren't hurt or anything.

Anyway, I would like it if you would include me on your list - possibly in your top 10.  And please use the following picture on my two-page spread:

Because I think your readers would appreciate seeing a sexy woman featured prominently in your magazine. I mean, don't you think they ever get tired of constantly seeing boring pictures of men in suits?  Playboy didn't get famous for covering the conflict in the Middle East.  Just saying...

Anyway, you can visit my blog if you want to check out my qualifications.   I think you'll find my style to be intelligent and engaging yet never heavy-handed.  I address tough issues with poise and clarity while still maintaining the image that I am speaking directly to each and every American.  I'm kind of like a younger, whiter, female-er Obama.
Okay, TTYL.



Anonymous said...

You crack me up Allie! This is quickly becoming my favorite blog to read, and always look forward to seeing it's label go bold in Reader - means I have a new post to read! :)

I love your sense of humor and witty observations. Even if it's a sensitive topic, one just can't get mad at you cause you're too damn cute about it! Haha!

Carissajaded said...

Haha this is awesome. Keep the letters coming they're hilarious!

M said...

Followed a link from Josh...hilarious! Especially loved the letter to Cosmo :).

Buzz said...

Great post as per usual. I'm a relative newcomer to your blog but it's quickly become one of my favorites. I like the way you operate the keyboard (the characters always seem to tumble onto the page in interesting and amusing ways). I'll certainly keep tuning in.

Carrieann said...

"try massaging your partner's perineum with Neosporin..."

Going to have to suggest this one to my bf. Wonder if he will go for it.

darsden said...

you are friggin' hilarious! Love the picture LMAO

Anonymous said...

Allie, I shared a link to this post on my Tumblr, love the "sex" words! :)

Sorcerer said...

yeah..you are influential person..
your blog is a rage in my friends circle in India.
you are going Global Allie!!

Anonymous said...

Oh lord. Best photo ever.

And the "sex (ex)" thing...I nearly died.

Anonymous said...

Oh lord. Best photo ever.

And the "sex (ex)" thing...I nearly died.

Gigi said...

As usual - you had me trying to giggle quietly so as not to disturb co-workers. They all think I have some kind of disorder now.

BTW - an award with your name on it is over at my site.

Nancy said...

Omg. I just happened upon your blog for the first time and daaamn girl, you're the shit. Way to make me laugh my ass off.

Hipstercrite said...

Damn! You just keep getting funnier and funnier! Love it!

Chris Gooch said...

That Sports Illustrated photo nearly made me piss myself!

Maxie said...

That sports illustrated picture! LOVE. hahaha

Anonymous said...

this one is really funny. you are full of awesomeness and weirdness.

Anonymous said...

You were right - you do have the chest of a 9 year old. Still funny though x