Letters: Volume 1 (Descent Into "Totally Inappropriate and Actually a Little Crazy-Sounding" Territory)

Dear Readers;

I had a really creative spurt today.  I probably shouldn't say "spurt", but whatever.

Anyway, I wrote, like, 75 letters to things, people and myself.  It may sound stupid, but I promise that it's brilliant.  You'll just have to see it for yourself.

I swear to God, I was laughing so hard at myself that I got a headache.

You may be wondering what this is all about.  It's simple, really: I write letters to things, some of which are offensive (the letters, not the things. Except for a few of them) and then I post a few of them at a time and you laugh and tell your friends that I'm a genius and then I get famous and rich and I don't have to look for a job anymore because looking for a job is a fruitless and painful process that is making me feel like I should just become an alcoholic so that I at least have something external to blame my failure on.

Are we clear?


Thanks for reading.


Dear Me;

You sounded like an idiot just then.  You are confusing your readers and alienating them by pressuring them to make you famous.

It is not their responsibility.

Wait, yes it is - but you should make them want to make you famous instead of writing stupid little letters about how poor you are and how they should make you rich and famous out of pity.

I know that you have lost 4 pounds in the last two weeks because you can't afford real-person food, but you don't need to tell other people that.  They don't have money either and they'll just feel bad for being unable or unwilling to help you which will make them retreat into denial about your existence and then they won't read your blog.

It's kind of like how you feel about those starving-children commercials - which is a topic that pretty much every funny person in the history of the world has joked about, but you are going to go right ahead and do it too, just because you think you did it differently.  You didn't, by the way.  You just said some unexpected things afterward.  That's like putting a hat on Jesus and saying you invented Him (good catch with the capital H).  Stop being a pompous asshole.

Okay, I'll agree with you that it is a good idea to test out how people will react to the words "Jesus" and "asshole" before you post your other letters.  I know how excited you are to post them, so I commend you for showing a little self-restraint.  Your audience will appreciate the awkward-but-present segue into the more offensive and disturbing branch of your sense of humor.

Well, you better post some of those letters you were talking about.  Maybe post some of the really short ones. It'll be like a preview.  But whatever you do - do not post the Jesus one or the one about Mexicans.    I know, I know, I know - they really aren't that offensive, but people are really easy to offend and you want to be famous, remember?  You don't get famous by being honest - at least most people don't. Maybe Abraham Lincoln.  But not you.  You have to ingratiate yourself to everyone.  I know it's hard to restrain yourself, but just do it, okay?  Please, please, please, please do it.  Just for a little while.  Just until you find out how many followers you'll lose from swearing and taking the Lord's name in vain.  Pretty please?


I have done all I can.  I hope you choose to be smart about this.  Good decisions are like making a deposit in the bank of your future.  Really?  That's the best you could come up with?  You better hope that people think you are really funny because you definitely don't have a future in advertising or inspirational speaking.

Carry on.


Dear Cup;

Thank you for being waterproof.

I'll talk to you later!


Dear SuperBalls;

I am 24 and a half and I don't have a job.  Please stop looking so goddamn fun.  Thanks.


Dear Inventor of Watermelon-Flavored Things;

Have you ever eaten watermelon?

Just wondering...


Dear Me;

You did it!  You didn't offend anyone's religion, ethnicity, culture or sexuality!  I mean, if the inventor of watermelon flavor is one of your followers, he might be kind of pissed, but you managed to not offend people in swaths.  I think that is an accomplishment. Go have some cake.



darsden said...

HaHa, I am not offended in anyway. pass that cake!
dear u
(it has come to my attention that a few others have done their "discovering" and let me just say .. I think they cheated off me..yes, you heard me, they did.. Now I would like to order my drawing of a boat!) You do realize I live on the Gulf of Mexico,


Anonymous said...

Dear Allie,

I'm writing this letter to let you know I'm leaving a comment. Also, I too address inanimate objects as if they were self-aware. Instead of letters though, I literally talk to them. Is this common practice?


p.s. every comment from this day on that I leave on your blog will be in letter format. that is all.

Sorcerer said...

Dear Allie
that was great :)
hope to see more of such letters on the blog


Nooter said...

mmmm... watermelon cake....

Nicole said...

I just stumbled on your blog, I it is amazing. I am 24ish too and don't have a job. Isn't it great?

Michelle Tressa said...

You're hilarious! Stumbled onto your blog and so glad I did. Can you pass the cake?

Matt said...

I can't wait to see what you wrote to Mastercard!

Gone, long gone. said...

You lost 4 pounds? Nice!

Anonymous said...

Could you please write a letter to my Dignity apologizing on my behalf for losing it this weekend? Thanks. P.S. Nothing beats a handwritten letter, ever.

Allie said...

darsden - do you have an email address where I can send your boat? And yeah, I am thinking I may need to change the password :)

Dear timoteo - If you do not hold true to your promise of formatting every single comment henceforward as a letter, I will hunt you down and stab you in the eye.

It was nice doing business with you!

Love, Allie

Dear Sorcerer - well, Sir, you are in luck! I have approximately 70 more of these (probably more like 30, but it seems like 70) just waiting to be published. Probably some time tonight. Not all of them, but several of them. Then I'll probably have to break it up with something that isn't letters because it's never good to do just one thing for too long. Like, cheese is great, but I wouldn't want to just eat cheese for a week. Well, actually I would because that would mean I would have free cheese and I would actually be able to eat food.

Nooter - the problem with watermelon cake is that it misrepresents watermelons.

Nicole - so I just read your blog and I realized, after reading through three whole pages of it nonstop - you are a really good writer and I am fascinated by break ups. I will probably go post this on your blog now too.

Michelle - here;s a piece of cake! But, as Nooter said, it's watermelon cake. If you feel comfortable eating the crushed aspirations and downtrodden souls of watermelons everywhere, then you are welcome to it.

Skelbo14 - Oh, it's a good one. I might save it for when you guys get more adjusted to my newfound offensiveness. It might be kind of an abrupt transition otherwise.

Maelstrom - it's not a good thing! Carefully managed, healthy weight loss plans - sure. Forced starvation? Not good. Plus, I'm afraid that my breasts might disappear altogether. I bet you didn't think we were going to be talking about breasts, now did you? I was born without the ability to discern "acceptable" and "why are we talking about this again?" so give me a break.

Dear angryredhead - Your dignity will never be able to resist the letter I've prepared on your behalf.

darsden said...

:-) darsden at hotmail yay thank you... and so you must agree they cheated off me..LMFAO Thanks Allie

Noelle said...

Please come visit us in town and I will cook you whatever you want. And I will send leftovers home with you. Jesus, 4 pounds is half of your body weight. Winter's coming. I don't think you're going to make it.

Coopie said...

um...but...you said you don't like cake!!!

*stands in a puddle of tears and confusion...yes, confusion can sometimes result in puddles...of sorts...*

what am I supposed to believe now?!?!?!