Thing of the Day: Oscillating Fan. Rating: AWESOME

Dear Oscillating Fan, 

I commend you for your selfless efforts at keeping me comfortable.  No matter how hot it is, you patiently sit there and blow air at me without stopping to question the fairness of the situation.  You don't mind staying awake all night and all day, tirelessly blowing air on me.  Even when I trip over your cord, knocking you violently to the floor, you keep on faithfully doing your job.  

Sometimes I forget to unplug you when I leave the house.  You don't ever get upset about this.  You seem to simply assume that I want you to keep blowing on things, even in my absence.  

The other day, I thought it would be fun to see what happened when I stuck a piece of paper in you.  I wanted to see if I could make confetti.  I feel terribly guilty about this.  I don't know why I did it.  I shouldn't have amused myself at your expense.  You saw me coming at you with the paper and did not even flinch.  You trusted me, and I stuck a piece of paper in you and messed up your rotor.  I am sorry.  

When I realized that I had hurt you, I tenderly removed the mangled pieces of paper from your inner workings.  I told you I was sorry and you looked like you understood.  When I put you back together and plugged you in again, you started blowing air on me like nothing had ever happened.  I admire your extraordinary capability to forgive.  You are a good fan.  

I would like to do something nice for you, but I don't know what types of things oscillating fans enjoy.  I have had a couple ideas, but every time I ask you if you would enjoy them, you just shake your head.  I tried to surprise you by cooking you dinner, but you just spit it back in my face.  That was kind of rude, but I suppose I can forgive you because you are such an awesome fan.   

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for being so nice to me.   If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask.  


Luzaire said...

I like to put paper in oscillating fans as well. Just tell little children to close their eyes and use their imagination as we play a game I like to call, "Squirrel in a Bug Zapper."

Nikole said...

I like to ask my fan questions that I think a fan would answer 'no'. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR. My fan fucking lied to me! (p.s. don't think I'm awesome. I stole that from Mitch Hedberg (the hilarious but dead comedian).

polarbee said...

Oscillating fans like to have strips of tissue paper taped to the front grill so they can watch them shake and thus feel powerful.

Unknown said...


Trish said...

Buy Fan a can of compressed air. You'll be able to clean out the dust bunnies that collect in his motor, and it will tickle him, too.

Unknown said...

Amazing, but you forgot one very important fact about your loving oscillating fan. One which I'm sure he might be a little hurt to see you've forgotten. His uncanny ability to give you a robot voice. That in itself is worthy of praise.