I Need to be Famous by Thursday

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to be a productive member of society.

I originally intended to become a doctor or medical researcher.  I thought that I wanted to save people, discover things and change the world.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I just want to sit on my couch in my underpants all day.

This is why I need you to make me famous by Thursday.  Thursday is the day that I officially graduate from college.  Back in January, I thought I would be ecstatic when this day finally came.  I now realize that graduating is a huge mistake.  I wish I could take it back, but I can't.  At this point I can't even fail.  I am starting to panic.  

It doesn't have to be this way.  

If my blog can become famous and profitable, I will be rescued from the brink of adulthood.   If my blog becomes famous, it is possible that I will never have to wear pants again!  You have no idea how much this would mean to me.  I hate pants. 

Here is what you can do to help:

*Wear a brown ribbon in honor of my cause (nobody has dibs on brown yet, right?)  This will not only help me, but it will raise awareness for terminally adult people all over the world.  

*Run down the street screaming about how awesome my blog is.  Make sure to clearly annunciate the URL (spell it out if you have to.) 

*Hang up a banner outside your door that says "help rescue the author of hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com from impending adulthood." 

*Make flyers to support my cause.  Neon green and yellow would probably be good background colors for the flyers you make.  Just FYI.  

*Take out a phonebook.  Start dialing in the A's somewhere.  Educate the call recipient about my plight.  If they resist, ask them if they ever had a dream.  Use their first name if it is listed.  Try to use their nostalgia and insecurity over their broken dreams to get them on your side.  But don't be inefficient!  If you sense that the person is a heartless bastard who will not change their position no matter how much you plead, move on to the next name.  This is a numbers game and you can't get them all.  

*Call your local radio station.  Dedicate a song to me - preferably "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey.  Once again, make sure to clearly annunciate all syllables in my blog URL.  I cannot stress how important this is.    

That's all you have to do to assure that my future can be spent pants-less and happy!  Is that too much to ask? 

P.S.  I am completely serious about this.  How funny would it be if someone actually did some of these things?  Even if I don't get famous, I would probably be able to live the rest of my life in complete happiness knowing that some person, somewhere did these things in my honor.  

If you take a movie/picture of yourself doing any of these things, I will post it on my soon-to-be super famous blog along with a description of how awesome you are.  

P.P.S.  I wanted to tell you again that I am completely serious, just in case you didn't believe me.  


Melissa Blake said...

Hey Allie -- you won my 1,000th subscriber contest. Do you have an email address that I can send your Amazon.com gift card to?


Allie said...

Yay!!!!!!!!!! That's awesome!

My email is ickybana5@hotmail.com

Wow, this seriously just made my whole day! Thank you! :)

Melissa Blake said...

I'll be sending you the gift card soon! xoxo

The Acorn King said...

Wearing my brown ribbon and screaming, is it working yet?

Anonymous said...

A quick way to become famous right now is to announce that you are either a child of Michael Jackson, or the mother of his one child, Blanket.

It would be up to you to sustain your celebrity.

Allie said...

@The Acorn King: Despite your valiant (and duly appreciated) efforts, Thursday has passed and I am not yet famous. However, I am more famous than I was on Monday, so it's a start! Thank you for supporting my cause :)

Deb said...

You are well on your way for sure. Congrats on your graduation, by the way.

Nikole said...

So I know this was posted some time ago but..I totally just posted that craigslist ad in my area. I pretty much just made you famous. Singlehandedly. You're welcome.

defenestrati said...

Congratulations on your hard-won fame. It finally happened!