World's Best Relationship Tips

If you're in a relationship, sometimes you probably feel like you're fighting a caged death-match with an invisible spider monkey. And the monkey is rabid. And you don't have any legs. And then a buffalo jumps in there and starts head-butting everything and your face catches on fire and there is a general atmosphere of chaos.

It doesn't have to be this way!  Using science, human history and my own experience, I have put together a comprehensive guide for the modern couple on how to be the best at relationships.

It is well known that one of the secrets to a long-lasting relationship is continually fending off boredom. To keep things interesting, why not buy your significant other a Kong toy? Stuff some bacon in there and let the fun begin!


Another problem in many relationships is that women feel like they have to do all the boring chores and the men just get to go out and ride around on dirt bikes and throw pies at each other.  The truth is that chores are lame and there is rarely anything fun about them.  Help your special lady out by making her daily housework into a fun challenge!  Dress up as a ninja and make her battle you to get her work done.  Hide in the closet and ambush her violently when she goes to get the vacuum.  Does she need to fold laundry?  Not before deflecting a crane kick to the face!   


Another way to make her everyday life more exciting is to dress up as a large predator and stalk her throughout the day. Women love surprises!  


The only thing women love more than surprises is feeling special.  Show the world that you are proud of your lady by wearing bright colors, making loud noises and flailing when you're walking in public with her.  She will be reassured that you do not mind calling attention to her and will greatly appreciate the gesture. 


Jealousy is an issue that creeps up inside many solid relationships and renders them useless, much like a discarded cow carcass.  Probably the best way to combat jealousy is with macaroni art.  Everyone loves macaroni art.  It is a symbol for good intentions, thoughtfulness and love.  And if you use enough glitter, she'll forget she ever felt anything less than unadulterated adoration for you.  Just make sure to only give the macaroni art to your significant other and NOT to the object of jealousy.  


On that note, when trying to impress a woman, it is often helpful to call upon her ancient instincts.  To show that you are a strong provider, sometimes it is necessary to kill things.  Contrary to popular belief, this is real reason why women like flowers.  



Although she may not know it or openly acknowledge it, watching you use your powerful muscles to slay a living thing stimulates an ancient part of her brain associated with admiration and affection.  She may appear to be horrified by your actions, but underneath that, there's a deep and growing respect for you.  After all, it takes a lot more effort to kill an animal than it does to kill a stupid flower;  Flowers don't run away and bleed all over the place while you're trying to kill them.  

One more way to appeal to your lady's inborn desires is to light things on fire.  Back in cave man days, fire was more popular than Justin Bieber.  Being able to start a fire would have been the modern day equivalent of being an extreme BMX biker who owns all the drugs in the world and walks around with a pet pegasus on a leash made of diamonds.  It is a scientific fact that women love fire.  It's in their genes.  


There are really very few problems that fire cannot resolve.  

And finally, if you ever get into an argument, imagine that your partner is a baby animal with three legs and terminal brain cancer.  I promise you won't ever be mad again.  


P.S.  Because the question has come up again and again:  

You guys, this doesn't have to be gender or orientation - specific.  I don't care if you're a man with a woman, a woman with a man, a woman with a woman, a man with a man or a cat with three legs and terminal brain cancer -- Kong toys and ninja-sniper attacks can improve your relationship.  

227 comments:

1 – 200 of 227   Newer›   Newest»
Erin said...

I hope you are feeling better! I was worried about you :(

This post is also too hilarious to be allowed. I should not laugh so loudly when people are around.

wallflower said...

Ahahaha.
Fire was more popular than Justin Bieber?!

Allie said...

Wallflower - It was more popular than Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga combined.

Ian said...

At least the cancer has not affected kitty's balance.

Wayward American said...

OMG. That relationship advice I might actually give to some people as normal advice gets waved off as "Too Irrational"

(p.s. Hope you're feeling better! WE MISSED YOU!)

Liz said...

Ha ha ha, my boyfriend of a year just broke up with me yesterday so this comes at the perfect time. Now I know what to do next time.


Thanks Allie!

Hope you're feeling better!

korovieva said...

So then the dude should slay the crippled baby animal to impress the girlfriend/divert her attention from the argument...oops.

korovieva said...

So then the dude should slay the crippled baby animal to impress the girlfriend/divert her attention from the argument...oops.

kmkat said...

This is all very informative and stuff, but why didn't you post it right before Valentine's Day so it could do some good? ;-)

Jennifer said...

I'm glad you're feeling better! I'm also glad that you posted this, tomorrow is my husband and my first anniversary and you saved me from having to run out to the store and buy him a card. I will just send this to him instead!

Ebonwumon said...

Thanks! This'll be sure to get me lots of bonus points with the lady!

lstofft said...

You had me at "BMX rider with lots of drugs and a pet pegasus on a leash of diamonds."

Shannon said...

Is he twirling a "Get In Shape Girl" pink ribbon in the 'bright colors' pic? Love it!

Becca said...

Omg, Allie. Bahahahaha. Okay, first of all, this is my first time to comment, ever. (I didn't want you to eat my future children.) Second of all, I freaking love you and I tell all my friends about you and I show them your blog, because you are amazing. Also, I'm super glad that you aren't dead. You inspired me to start my own blog, and then I realized that that's a bad idea because I'll never keep up with it. So, I'll just promise to keep reading yours instead. You make me laugh so much! Thanks for living :]

P.S. Oh, and just so you know, I became suddenly really self-concious about my grammar because I know you love grammar, and I love grammar too, but I don't always know what the correct thing to do is, so I kinda freaked out and started re-reading this over and over again until my brain forgot when the proper time to use commas is, and I kept wondering "Is this a run on sentence? How do I make this correct?!?!?!?". And then, my brain turned into a giant monster, and all it could say was garbled things like, "Rawghblahhhjadvbed!!!!!" because I was upset and confused and mad at myself. So, if there are any typos, grammatical errors, or otherwise, please disregard them, and don't hate me, because I love you :]

P.P.S. Sorry if there are run ons and/or too many commas.

Vard said...

the last one is way too true to be funny.

kerri said...

mean shoutout to rhythmic gymnastics. My boyf could do with learning how to wield a ribbon stick.

Mika aka Xeyli said...

Who is Justin Bieber?

I read this entry aloud for the hubby; he greatly enjoyed it (and he came over to my laptop when it was time to view the visual aids).

Allie said...

Becca - Haha, don't worry. I really don't get mad easily. Poor grammar is more like a minor annoyance :) I promise I won't hate you :)

Also, your grammar was pretty darn awesome! So still no worries.

Kat_Hawk said...

My husband's way of helping with the housework is waiting until I've cleaned a room, then helpfully going in said room and putting stuff on the floor, like dirty socks, a plate, some string, or my favorite, a glass of milk that has been sitting out all day, and waiting to see how long it takes me to lose my mind because I am OCD and will have to completely clean the room again, with a toothbrush and my sanity. Sanity dissolves well in water.


P.S. I found your blog by accident yesterday, and now have read every post(swear I'm not a stalker) and now I feel the need to share it with everyone! Good luck!

Beta Dad said...

I think Dr. Laura is stealing some of your ideas about fixing relationships. You should check into it.

Julia said...

Is the copyright monster new, or was I just blind before?
Either way; LOVE.

also, facial expressions = perfect. :)

Allie said...

Beta Dad - Crap! I think Dr. Phil is doing the same thing. I guess that's what I get for being a relationship genius.

Gnetch said...

Ahahaha. I *knew* something was more popular than Justin Bieber! We can make fire popular again. Now that Justin Bieber's Twitter fame is dying.

Amy said...

If my fiance jumped out of the closet while I was trying to get the vacuum, I would probably hit him with it. We have a super-heavy vacuum too, so it would probably put him in a coma.

...serve him right.

JohnTheBastard said...

Allie, you forgot one:

Whenever you go to the bathroom DO NOT FLUSH. The lady needs to see your poops. This is very important. Women feel a great deal of anxiety about the well-being of their partner's digestive systems. Regular viewing of your poops will allay these fears.

On a related note, be sure always to draw attention to your flatulence. These little puffs of love are meant to offer regular assurance to your significant other that all is well with your colon. This is as essential to a healthy relationship as regular displays of affection, such as licking your woman's face while she is sleeping or branding your initials on her thigh.

JenBerry said...

Damn spider monkeys

Sarah said...

The fire thing is so true! I personally could never be with someone who couldn't give me fire. That's the real reason people go camping, it is so you can evaluate your potential mate's fire-building skills :P

Chance said...

...walks around with a pet pegasus on a leash made of diamonds.
I read that twice just to imagine it. *u*

Also, I passionately support bringing fire back into the pop culture spotlight. The Twitter and Facebook riots were only the beginning...

Love in the Dumps said...

Comic gold

Morgan said...

Awesomely funny, as usual! I think this might be the best relationship advice I've seen my whole engagement! Just told my fiance he must jump out at me like a ninja the next time I do the dishes, or else HE has to do them!

Abigail said...

Loving the raptor claws on the "surprised" picture :)

Glad you're feeling better - I thought about you today when my toddler and I were mugged by some geese.

Ktbug Ladydid said...

Allie, you are totally amazing! Glad you're feeling up to posting again! I'd like to add another thing to the list, along the lines of observing mate's digestive works. Dudes: don't put the toilet seat down. I know I just LOVE when a dude leaves the seat up-it gives me something to do!

Jensy said...

My husband read this post before I did, and then tried all of your tips out on me. My ovaries almost exploded from the brute sexual attraction I felt for him. Our relationship has never been better! Thanks Allie!

Katie said...

Haha, so your Twitter riot drawing of Justin Bieber ON FIRE must be a virtual vortex of popularity!

Margaret said...

This is pretty much how my husband is with me.

Shelley said...

Glad to see you back! Thanks for the advice, I am definitely going to try all of these things !

Anne said...

I, personally, would like to see the combination of Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. Lady Biega? Justin Gager? The mind reels.

Dani said...

Actually that last one IS good advice.

cocacolna said...

yaaaaay! I'm so happy you're back. No wonder you and Boyfriend have such a solid relationship! I can't wait to find a guy like this. :)

Calamitybird said...

Okay, the Kong picture really cracked me up!

Many years ago, when I was a newlywed in the Air Force, my husband and I were wandering around the Base Exchange and we found a weird pet toy - it resembled a Pilates ring, with a bright noisy ball bearing of some sort that rolled around an inside track. We were amused because the packaging said "END CAT BOREDOM!"

Thing is, I was trying to get a better look at the ball bearing but every time I moved the package it rolled, so without thinking I became engrossed in twirling the package in my hand, until my husband said "END AIRMAN BOREDOM!"

That still makes us giggle. Maybe I *could* use a Kong.

btw, glad you are feeling better!

Jo said...

So often I've wondered how our bickering over nothingness can be resolved, and now thanks to you I know the answer is *macaroni art*.

Thank you Allie. You just saved my relationship, *and* gave me a crafty new hobby. Yay!

Joel said...

Awesome!! Now I'm off to violently stalk my lover, while setting animals on fire and surprising her with macaroni paintings declaring my love and appreciation for her. And I'll give you all the credit!

Val said...

Hahahahahahahahha

Subo said...

Yeah, even the whole "crippled kitty with a tumor-addled brain" doesn't fully excuse this one girl's actions. But I definitely feel more sorry/less responsible for her than I did before. Thanks, Allie!

Juan said...

No wonder my s/o loves me so much! I'm gonna light more things on fire :)

said...

I believed I was the only one that dressed up as a large predator and stalked my significant other while she thought of sunshine, stars, unicorns, kittens, bunnies and rainbows..
I don't feel alone anymore!

Gently_spoken said...

Funnily enough, I am quite likely to be found hiding in various nooks and crannies to pop out at unexpected times.

It has gotten to the point where he won't walk down the hall without checking all the doorways, even if I'm in a completely different part of the house.

Meagan said...

Totally just ended a five year relationship. I know why now. He obviously didn't picture me as a small, dying creature enough.

Thanks for always providing a laugh.

Wombat Central said...

Mmm. I want an eggs and bacon stuffed Kong for breakfast tomorrow.

Chuck said...

It is Saturday night. I. Want. Spaghatta Nadle. Now, dammit.

I know he hasn't pasta way..ha ha ha

That one never gets old for me!

http://www.apackalipsnow.blogspot.com

Dannybear said...

Awesome tips...now to find a girlfriend... XD

Pyromaniac animal killer, looking for girl who will be impressed by bright colors and ninja kicks to the face.

Willing to pay on an hourly basis.

MattyFailure said...

Allie, since fire was more popular than Justin Bieber, does this imply that if one were to set Justin Bieber aflame they would be the ultimate in manly? I think that's what I am understanding from that statement, please clarify before I do something drastic

vange said...

John the Bastard said:
such as licking your woman's face while she is sleeping or branding your initials on her thigh.

I've run out of room on my thighs.

Duncan (aka Boyfriend) said...

@MattyFailure:

She's ALREADY set Justin Bieber on fire!

http://twitpic.com/1mr159

Laura said...

So is this what I have to do to get your attention? Surprise kick you in the face, set things on fire, make grand gestures, give you macaroni art, and kill small animals?

CONSIDER IT DONE, MY LOVE.

hilltroll said...

That last frame was PRICELESS, I fell over laughing. I feel just like that woman all the time. Or perhaps I just look like her.

Allie, I am really glad that you are posting again, and hope that you are feeling better. Since I don't have Twitter, I was out of the loop and insane with fear that you had contracted a massive body infection caused by anaerobic bacteria trapped in the root of your tooth when you got that crown. I am very good at online diagnoses so I was sure this was the case.

Glad I was wrong. You make me laugh until I cry.

Smitten said...

I have definitely always wanted a significant other flamboyant enough to twirl ribbon and wear Hawaiian shirts. But the icing on the cake was the man-boobs and ice cream of fire. Heck YES. Oh God the pheromones...SEEPING THROUGH THE COMPUTER SCREEN.



I think I'm in love.

WordyGirl said...

Yaaaaayyyyyy Allie's back!

Hope Duncan is taking good care of you and you are feeling well.

lintilla said...

Since my partner and I are both women, does this mean we have to take turns setting things on fire and attacking each other dressed as ninjas?

Anonymous said...

LOL. i found the last pic funny. XD hope ur feeling bttr. way bttr than chowder blog... XD

HelenannM said...

So glad you're feeling better. :)

.....A..... said...

I would love if husband would make me macaroni art.

Robyn said...

I think my dad followed at least one of these tips when wooing my poor mother.

This may explain a lot about me, actually.

caaanita said...

Duncan must be so proud of you!

I have missed you! There was one point where I was checking your blog like four times a day wondering where you were.

:)

Jay said...

Glad to see you aren't dead.
Would combining these increase their effect?
Like, would killing a rabbit, then lighting it on fire and stuffing it in a Kong be better than doing any of those individually?

Sonja said...

The very image of the sad baby animal makes me want to cry. Such is the power of my over-active ovaries: even *thinking* about a sad animal causes oxytocin surges. MUST. CUDDLE. KITTEN. TRY. NOT. TO. CRY.

Lindz said...

My husband already is a ninja...

A Ninja who sets fire to things.

I win, I know.

Pahz said...

This is perfect for ANY relationship. My parents have been married 44 years. I've been married 24 years. My oldest kid isn't married, but she's in the first year of a relationship.

This should be printed out and taught in school instead of Math.

Velocigoose said...

Kee-f*cking-yai, motherf*cker

you always brighten my day, allie <3

btw, I sent you an email

Carrie Miller said...

This is the greatest.blog.ever. Please stay healthy and write more

IAN WRIMYN said...

Do I sense a hint of tension in your relationship with boyfriend?

Hayleigh said...

You know, I have been looking for a BMX drug lord with a pet pegasus and enough diamonds to make a leash. I'm not sure my heart could survive it if this man also gave me macaroni art...

Leslie Greenwood said...

Awesome post; my sides hurt from laughing! Hope you are feeling better.

Jalosaurus said...

Oh the Kong... It brings back such fine memories... Try peanut butter for even more fun.

KM said...

F. That is totally why I like flowers.

Jill said...

Wow, reflecting on the "cow carcasses" in my past I wish I'd had this knowledge then. You are a relationship guru-bear!

Jen C said...

That cat is the most pathetic and most cutest thing I have ever seen.

Rebekah said...

You posted on my birthday. It was like an accidental present. Thank you!

-Issima said...

The sad thing is, I thought you were serious for a minute. Mostly in the chores part.

However, I do believe that the macaroni art is a brilliant idea! It does call to mind, though, "YOU CALL THIS A MACARONI PAINTING? I CAN BARELY EVEN MAKE OUT THE 'I LOVE YOU'!"

Kelley said...

There is nothing that warms my heart more than a good crane kick to the face from my husband while I'm on my way to unload the dishwasher. I have lost a good deal of my teeth that way and look forward to losing more for the betterment of my marriage. It is refreshing to know that this type of behavior is not only accepted in this lovely list of relationship tips but encouraged! Thanks for spreading the word, Allie!

Resty said...

I copied this line: Back in cave man days, fire was more popular than Justin Bieber.

That was just TOO GREAT TO BE MISSED.

Zoe. said...

Thanks, I sent this to my boyfriend. I have no doubt it will improve our relationship and I can't wait to get my maccaroni and glitter art.

Anonymous said...

what 'bout the gays?

Harini said...

Good to see you back. I hope you are better now. The post is as usual hilarious!

Out of Sync said...

Wise words, you should have a talk show like Dr Phil... just it'd be better, and less old =)

D.C. said...

I will take this hilarious advice and use it well.

Anonymous said...

There are no words other than:
What the flying fuck?

Ball Lightning said...

I think Im in love with you. No big deal right?

Nina said...

Yay! I can finally post on the site instead of silly Facebook!
(/just back from work)

personwhocan'tthinkofanamebutdoesn'tlikebeinganonymous said...

I have to comment so you won't eat my future children, but just saying "This is awesome, just like the rest of your blog; please continue to avoid dying" seems kind of lame. So instead I'm going to tell you about a dream I had last night, since it must have been partly inspired by your blog. I dreamed that I created a portable solar-powered doomsday device with built-in land sharks. It could also clean water and turn lead into food, which came in very handy when the polar bears (why were they wearing sunglasses?) started shooting at me.

Heather said...

Okay, that terminally-ill kitty is the cutest, sadest, most awwww-making picture EVER. Seriously.

And yunno what? That first paragraph is a PERFECT description of how I often felt in my last relationship. Much better then the stumbling crappy words I used to use. I will use your awesome description from now on!

natalielynne said...

Thank you so much for this post. I really needed a laugh. Too bad I didn't know macaroni art cured jealousy because I'm the best macaroni artist around. So if anyone is in need of some jealousy subsiding macaroni art....let me know :)

Glad you are feeling better Allie.

Brookely90 said...

Ha ha! That last picture looks like me and my boyfriend.

Rach said...

Glad you're feeling better! I know everyone has said this already but I'm not sure what I'd have to look forward to if you stopped posting!

I love the idea of imagining your significant other as a "baby animal with three legs and terminal brain cancer". It may just work :]

EmpyClaw said...

That was amazingtastic.

My fiancée agrees with you on the last point. She could never be mad at me again. I think you've saved our marriage before our marriage even begins.

On the other hand, she also said that you and I have a similar way of speaking/writing by (seemingly) randomly discussing pies and fire. This worries me that she may fall for you and your stylish flaming pies. Luckily, you have already anticipated this might happen and have provided me with a macaroni-art solution! (I assume macaroni art can both quell jealousy and prevent wandering affections . . . Obviously, 'cause it's macaroni art!) Twice, you have saved my marriage, while only threatening it once! And twice is twice as big as once, so hurray!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

statusviatoris said...

Goddamit, so that's what I've been doing wrong all these years. Thank you for setting me straight. Spinsterhood, I'm outta here...!

feb_rmm said...

You are tooo funny. you should blatantly put all these in a book and publish it !!!! i know i would buy it and i would have to buy everyone i know a copy too. i think its important everyone gets to hear your life stories. :)

Grant said...

What a great birthday present for me. Apparently I was doing everything wrong. I can't wait to implement all of your strategies and hold you legally responsible. :p

Nadiye said...

LOLOLOLOL

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Welcome back, Allie. Now I know what is wrong with my relationship. My spouse is obviously having trouble imagining me as a three legged animal helpless animal with terminal brain cancer. He really needs to work on his powers of visualization if this relationship is going to go anywhere.

Tuli Melila said...

Hahahaha this line made my day: "Back in cave man days, fire was more popular than Justin Bieber." and the rabbit! xD you are comic genius madam! The love of my life moved to Spain a week ago and this has made me poke my head out of my hole of alcohol and depression for a few minutes...brilliant!

P.S. Hope you're feeling better! xxx

Rad Wadee said...

Brilliant! Why aren't you more famous?

Bryce said...

hahahaha the first picture... and all the rest, actually. this is fucking hilarious.

Bobbie said...

One endearing trait that you left out is spitting. Whether ridding yourself of plain or tobacco-tinged saliva, spitting and hocking loogies is HOT.

IlanaWrites said...

Hope you're okay! I had a similar surgery earlier this year. Don't worry, remain awesome :)

-Ilana
www.ilanawrites.com

Hana said...

I really wanted to try them out and then I realized that I'm not a man. (Nor do I have a partner but that's obviously because I didn't know these tips before now!)
Might attempt the crippled dying animal thing in all arguments from now on :)

Meghan16 said...

Who would name their daughter Justin? TELL ME!!!

Wombat Central said...

I just had another thought: Is there such a thing as spaghatta nadle art?

cajunspicemonkey said...

Ouch I hurt my ovaries laughing!

Imnotbenny said...

I don't really like to kill things.

This MAY or MAY NOT be because I am afraid of retribution from

THE SAMURAI KOALA BEAR!!!

who watches over the animal kingdom from his pony made of happiness, but also attack.


I had no idea I was going to write that, just then.

Okay, that's it.

Bluestockings31 said...

I think the Chore Ninja would be a welcome addition to my housework routine.

mom said...

Hi Hon!
This is your (platinum) mother(!) I loved this blog—it really made me laugh and I always appreciate that. However, my heart swelled with pride when I realized that there is much truth to what you said, especially the dead bunny part. You know, so much about the success of relationships has to do with what one CHOOSES to think about people—especially when they are behaving badly. It’s better to be happy than to be right, eh? Love you sweetie!

tera said...

"...you're fighting a caged death-match with an invisible spider monkey. And the monkey is rabid. And you don't have any legs. And then a buffalo jumps in there and starts head-butting everything and your face catches on fire and there is a general atmosphere of chaos."

Sadly, I have been in a relationship not unlike this.

However, now I have a good hubby although, come to think of it...he has "accidentally" elbowed me in the face a couple times. I'm glad to know it was just to show how much he loves and respects me!
Thanks, Allie!

yangman said...

Of course! I need to SET MORE THINGS ON FIRE!

Thanks, Allie!

Mirannity said...

Glad you're feeling better.

Also glad to know that fire is more popular than Justin Bieber.

Victoria Elizabeth Windsor said...

Dear Allie,

You are possibly the most hilarious piece of hilariousity I have ever encountered. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!!!

Hey, but if you DO die, could you donate one of your eyeballs to me? I think that would make a good story to tell, especially while very drunk, using your relationship tips, and wearing my one-legged pants.

Love,
Isabelle

NC17 said...

I can't wait to go out and kill something in front of her

Anuradha said...

This cracked me up like anything. xD

The Cashier said...

Allie,
I rilly liked this. Like, alot.

Clabwag said...

NOTE: Killing a Unicorn will not have any positive effect on your relationship, not matter how bloody the corpse is. Not from personal experience, or anything...

Clabwag said...

(I hate the fact that I couldn't sign in with my google account for some reason so I can't replace that with a proper "no matter". Gah.)

Carlos said...

hahah.. thank you, this just made my day. An otherwise rather uneventful sunday.. I'm still laughing on the inside..

Splunge said...

Hmmmm... So really the best possible thing would be to set fire to my girlfriend while she is arguing with me about cleaning? That works for me.

THANKS!

Elizabeth Kaylene (elizawhat.com) said...

If my boyfriend asks me if I am a "Belieber" again, I am going to set him on fire.

Cactus-face said...

justin bieber AND lady gaga?! that just seems like a power too... powery to be... something-er-other.....................................



sorry.


great post.

Sarah P said...

Dear Diary,

This is the best hiding place I've ever found for you, way down here amidst the comments of Allie's adoring fans.
No one will ever find you here, unlike the between-the-mattress-and-box-spring and in-the-ol'-top-drawer where Mom found you, like, every time.
Remember when Mom said she'd never, ever read you, because that would be such an invasion of privacy, but she did! That sucked.
I'm sure Allie would never, ever lie to us, Diary, and that's why this is the perfect hiding spot for you.
I guess that's all the news for now - OH - except that I stabbed Mr. Johnson's goat. He had it coming. Not Mr. Johnson. The goat - he was an asshole.
Don't tell anyone.
<3s,
Sarah P

Alex said...

I liked this post ALOT, and yes, I meant the majestic alot. I am now envisioning an alot hunched over a computer. AWWW! It's so cute!

jb:) said...

Allie!

I literally love you! Alot!

This blog is humanity greatest thing since hmm. . . wheel.

Yours trully
jb:)

Alex said...

But not as cute as the dying kitty. Sadness. :(

smofbbs said...

"Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga combined"

(shudder) I feel like the Rabbit of Caerbannog just jumped on my grave....

Estara said...

I'm so glad to see a full post again, and this was hilarious. And dude, check it out - I JUST forced my husband to get me this three-legged kitten from a rescue. We've had her for, like, four days.

Andy said...

My parole officer distinctly told me no more ninja kicks...
http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Awesome, and well worth the wait. Although I know the wait was not on purpose. I mean, it's not like ovaries explode every day, now do they?!

Hope you're feeling better, Allie.

P.S. Loved the bleeding bunny.

Jen said...

This is the best relationship advice I have ever read. I'd so love it if a guy dressed as a ninja and did that crane thing. I'd never clean the house again but I'd really love it. Nothing exciting ever happens to me.

Gormandizer said...

You get a W out of 10 for random allusions to very specific animals in most of your blog posts.

And the W is for Wow.

But also possibly for Wisteria.

Renny said...

"There are really very few problems that fire cannot resolve."

I just don't know where you come up with this stuff sometimes...

but I'm super glad you do.

jillsmo said...

Allie I heart you very much!!! <3

Terri said...

Now I know why my marriage has worked all these years:

1. He regularly kills animals and hangs them in the tree in our yard to cut them up.

2. He can make fire whenever and wherever needed.

3. No macaroni art, but he did carve my name into a stone. Really!

4. Too many more to mention!

You did forget a few (coming from an old married broad):

1. You must always drive as fast and aggressively as you can. Your woman will liken you to a gladiator or chariot racer and be impressed every time you "win" by passing another car. Her jamming her right foot against the floor is just her bracing herself to be impressed.

2. You must always show your woman how valuable she is to you by always dropping everything you own on the floor.

3. You must always show your woman how self-reliant you know she is by borrowing her car and returning it filled with trash and empty of gas.

On it goes . . .

This should be a book Allie!

Joygazmic said...

Thanks Allie for another fantastic post, brightened my day (it was raining earlier).
Keep posting! :)

NZMoores said...

Welcome back Allie! You should've been in New Zealand a few weeks ago. I used my ninja sword not on a bunny but on Justin Bieber (he's smaller and easier to cuddle with a ninja sword). My wife got all lovey dovey and hormonal. Sadly, 10,000 squealing kiwi tweenie-boppers ate my liver. Important: OK, Allie, quite stuffing around in emergency rooms and go self-publish a book and become a squillionaire, then dump bfriend and come to NZ. I've had Justin Bieber stuffed and will set him on fire for you and you alone.

Jen S. said...

Please note that the bacon stays in the Kong best if you stick it in there with peanut butter too. And if you hide it outside and let your sig. o. look for it at night, sometimes you get to combine your other tips because s/he will have to fight off an animal, possibly flexing muscles and killing something that will bleed profusely. Especially cool if your sig. o. then has to go in for rabies shots.

Anonymous said...

Laughed my ass off. Thanks. Glad you're okay. And I loved the posture of the bunny killer in your drawing; hilarious.

Shinxy said...

I NEED that macaroni art picture on a poster or something and I will give it to my boyfriend. He NEEDS to get this through his head!

tnd8863 said...

With a post this good, you are definitely now this close to winning the internet!

I will definitely vote for you.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

LOL!! Great post - Holly

http://midwesternmamah.blogspot.com/

Zebekiah said...

As an addict to StumbleUpon, I must sift through undigested vomit to arrive finally at mismatched gold, much like discovering mice-osaurus bones in owl puke. I was pleased to discover your brilliant blog a month ago and have since assembled a skeleton of the amazing Nahdlebearicorn I imagine you to be.

The intro to World's Best Relationship Tips caught my attention due to the spider monkeys. Many years ago I hardcore hugged a tree off the back of a motorcycle. Twelve hours of surgery and three relocated nerves later, I'm left with a bitchin' scar and a boring story. After the 12,472,979th time of repeating the same crap after being questioned of the origin of said scar, I began concocting a better version of reality, arriving at a misadventure during my nightly knife-fight-training session with spider monkeys to sell on the black market.

And people bought it. No lie.

Your Admiring Fan,
Zebekiah

Tracy said...

Hilarious! Best thing to read on a Monday morning at work.

Carrie said...

And how does Mocorono Nodle feel about the glitter??

Angie said...

I think some good ol' fashioned macaroni art would melt my heart... for a split second. Then I would question if my partner suffered from some type of mental retardation.

Salt said...

If there is one thing I love in this world, it's when my husband nunchucks me in the face while I'm doing the dishes. This should be made into a book and placed immediately into the Barnes and Noble self-help section.

amanda77kr said...

Freaking hilarious!

I'm going to hide behind the futon and go for a double-foot crane ninja attack the next time my hubby cleans his office. But he already did his 2010 cleaning, so will have to wait a few months.

NetteNet99 said...

OMG, I am so glad I waited til today to read this as it is my anniversary and I am now super-informed about how to make it last. PS I use the three-legged baby-amimal brain-cancer trick all the time!!! I think it's Buddhist...

YeahThatChris said...

I was going to make you macaroni art so that you would feel better, but I ended up just eating mac and cheese . . . sorry. I did think about how I hope you feel better while I ate it and it's the thought that counts . . . so you're welcome. Great post! Hope you get well soon!

Dumblond said...

That ninja idea is brilliant! I can totally see how that would make me more motivated to clean...

Suzanne said...

Sadly... I think my husband has done each and every one of these things with the exception of macaroni art. My house is a dangerous place and I've learned to always look around corners.... I still don't like to clean though.

Sarah said...

Although your advice is solid and very useful, I prefer something slightly different. If I ever meet a man who introduces himself by holding out a handkerchief and asking, "Does this smell like chloroform to you?" I'll probably marry him on the spot. :)

Entropy1 said...

Has no one noticed subliminal messages in the art? The object of jealousy is a slimmer summer-sky-blue blond with a perky and wayyyy too high pony tail (with tiny mean little eyes), and 'you' are a baby-poop-colored wider triangle with serious diahrreha colored hair (but big wide eyes showing your sensitivity)??
Just sayin....

Danielle said...

Hahaha, your PS cracked me up. :D

Mirannity said...

Hi Allie. This comment is completely unrelated to this post.

Anyway, I (recently... like, as in 4 days ago) started writing a blog as my friend (and right now, it's a variety of random posts resulting in my friend and me being extremely bored) and I wanted to reference a previous blog post you wrote, but I just can't find it! I think it was one of the older ones around the time you decided to include ads on your blog, and I think the general theme of the post was about how you should write about stuff you care about, and not just try to include words or phrases that will get you the most hits.

Um, that all was supposed to make some sense.

Also, I mentioned you in my most recent post, if you'd like to check it out. www.mirannity.blogspot.com

P.S. I'm not trying to trick you. Tricking is bad.

Aura said...

Wow, today's comments had a much higher proportion of funny comments as opposed to the usual "love your blog, btw I'm not a stalker, and now I'll make a comment that is meant to be funny and sound like something Allie would say but instead sounds try hard and not funny at all."

I get embarrassed when I read shit like that.

Seeing as I have a habit of reading all the comments on blog posts, can anyone who 'loves the blog' or 'has something (un)funny and bumbling to say' just write "ditto" so I can get through the comments and get to bed FFS?

P.S - anecdotes are okay tho.

Signed, the comment police.

Jake's Dad said...

Violence = comedy. I crapped myself laughing at the bunny being stabbed.

Tobykins said...

Will you ever make a "Tacos will shank you" drawing/T-shirt? I was reading the archives, and I think it's necessary to maintain...the balance...of those force...things...

Simone Says... said...

oh, allie. your talent is endless. that illustration of the cat made me almost like cats.

thanks for the tips. i'll be sure to apply the principles next time i want to shove my bf down a flight of cement stairs.

mepsipax said...

That was awesome Ally. However, why was the girl still mad. The boy thought of dying kittens but she was still angry. Are you trying to tell us something. Come on Ally, let it out.

beesus said...

I'm pretty much positive if I met a Bear-dressing Ninja Sniper I'd have to marry him forever.

violarockstar said...

I always laugh at your drawings and humor since I happened upon this wonderful land of awesome (which was when the Alot appeared so not too long ago), but you damn near killed me with laughter from the "Killing things to show you are a provider" text and pictures. Thank you. My day needed that SO BADLY. XD

Shaun Roundy said...

Dear Allie,
I've everything you recommend but she still doesn't love me. What can I do?

p.s. do you know a good recipe for rabbit stew? As it turns out, it needs more than just fire.

Hilary said...

THIS IS BRILLIAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT> AAAAAAAAARGH. I love it. Argh!

Perry said...

I'm laughing too hard to post a coherent comment! Too damn funny!

Cerebral said...

I had a horrible day today cuz i wasnt able to "go out and ride around on dirt bikes and throw pies at each other" all day!

awesome post, doll

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

Good advice. I never liked bunnies. I think you're going to take over the world, Allie!!!

rb said...

awesomeness :)
wow i am 32 years old and other than birth control the best advise about relations i ve ever heard is this one

"if you ever get into an argument, imagine that your partner is a baby animal with three legs and terminal brain cancer. I promise you won't ever be mad again. "

JenB said...

Allie,

This blog post inadvertently killed my marriage. ...Well, maybe not for good, but it definitely ruined the possibility of a romantic interlude this evening.

I laughed alot (my favorite kind of alot), as I always do. Then the laughter turned to tears, which turned to choking, which was followed by several very loud *snorts*, and finally, the ever attractive mascara running in greasy streaks down my face. This is the point where my husband realized that he no longer had any interest in intimacy (his loss), and went to bed without me.

So what I guess I'm saying is, a reaction to your blog is much more convincing than, "I have a headache tonight."

Hope you are feeling better!

BillyJeanJane said...

Hi,

I'm giving you the Versatile Blogger award which you can collect here: http://billyjeanjane.blogspot.com

There are no cash prizes, no press coverage and no platform for gracious acceptance speeches, but you do get a pic to pop onto your blog as well as the knowledge that a fellow blogger thinks you rock :)

Cheers,
BillyJean

jeremy said...

tripod the three legged terminally ill cat. Is your rebus missing a pic or am I just stupid and can't figure it out?

Kate said...

Awww, poor little kitty!

*hugs*

thoughtsappear said...

I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog. So funny. My coworkers, on the other hand, probably think I'm laughing at them.

Lucky Punk said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALLIE!! Live long and prosper, without those stupid health problems...

Anonymous said...

Great post! I'm going to ask my husband to try the ninja thing... it will be good cardio for both of us. Haa ha ha!

Trabbs said...

I'm all for the Kong idea, but I want to give one to my husband, 'cause there are some seriously erotic undertones to my dog's interactions with the thing.

You have broken my heart by not including the picture on the toilet in the T-shirt store. My daughter wants the bear chips shirt, but I keep holding off in desperate hope that you will put that picture on a mug. But so far, no. Sniff. Why is this happening to me?

justadrienne said...

God you're funny. Thanks for the post.

Anonymous said...

Who the crap is this Justin Bieber kid???!!! and why does everyone compare everything to him???!!! These questions are making me feel like the Copyright Monster looks!!! And using exclamation marks are kind of fun!!!

chaoticpix93 said...

The sad kitten pic is getting stolen by me. For use on my computer. :D It was probably the biggest thing I saw and went AWWWW!!!

吐息 said...

ローション激安 ローター電動バイブ電動バイブエネマグラオトナのおもちゃてんがダッチワイフアナル激安バイブ

aftergadget said...

This was hil-freaking-larious.

I started reading your blog because of the Alot. I'm a word/grammar hound, too (got a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style next to my bed!), however I also have disabilities that make it much easier most of the time to abbrev bec even if ur irritated, i've gotta live w/the pain. UC? (Thus, there are reasons aside from being an eagle...).

Each post is funnier than the last (except the Alot post, which exists on a pedestal that towers above all other blog posts in the universe).

The bunny slaying is too funny for words. I LOL many times reading this, but I'm a dog fanatic. You had me at "stuff some bacon in a Kong."

Nikoliosis said...

I just want to let you know that I thought of you today while I was naked. I went streaking for the first time ever and as soon as I jumped in the truck Midnight Train came on and I sang the SHIT out of that song!

Rocky said...

Please stop making me laugh and let me revise... no wait don't stop. Failure's fine so long as I have something to make me laugh!

I thought I'd better comment as I heard rumour you might eat my (future) children and I don't really want that to happen.My boyfriend might get cross. But now it's him that hasn't commented so any eating of (future) children will be his fault.

Matt the Ripper said...

Rocky! Don't blame me for any (future) child sandwiches that Allie may or may not eat! See, I'm commenting!

Allie, you are an genius. AN GENIUS. Thank you for the blogtastic goodness!

Anorexic Donna said...

This is glorious

Rain said...

Maybe I would have stayed with my ex if he had tried some of these things on me

JustJoeP said...

Hilariously beautiful! =)

Oli said...

I've been looking for a way to tell my boyfriend how to treat me better before we move in together. Now instead of having to kill rabbits and give him a Kong in hopes that he gets the point and reciprocates, I can just send him to your post. You don't know how much time (and how many rabbits) you have saved.

Mary Sue said...

So, last night, I am making dinner (as usual, after working and cleaning the house) and my boyfriend corners me and starts tickling me. It was like being attacked by a ninja while trying to do my chores. I am going to block this blog from his computer, because it does not make my life more fun. Just harder. Thanks, ALLIE.

Elon said...

Great advice, Allie. I can now see how you and Boyfriend have been together so long. I mean, what says 'I love you' more than a dead rabbit? That's right. Nothing.

Kayla said...

So, I just found your blog like two days ago and I didn't have ADHA but now it's like I do cause for some reason I can't read your posts in order. I am all jumpy aroung and shit. So, I'm sittin here with my two year old daughter and read her this gem from November 2009-It's like saying "Haha, I'm a twitterbetic and I need to tweet regularly or else I'll have a tweizure!" You sound like an asshole. She laughed her ass of and said, "That's a creeper, meow." We are so on your page. We learned the word creeper today. As in "Don't talk to that man, he's a creeper." I just wanted to tell you.

Yoshi said...

Allie,

I was introduced to your blog a couple weeks ago and since have become a fan. However, as an anal-retentive martial artist, I have to point out some flaws in your ninja attack scenario.

Firstly, crane kicks are not terribly useful unless performed in the 80's, preferably after a montage. Under those circumstances, it is true that the crane kick is formidable, possibly deadly. It will also win you the girl (there's always a girl), your opponents will forgive you of everything, and they'll suddenly think you're an alright guy (or girl). You should make sure your readers are aware of this.

Secondly, you have depicted a flying side kick as opposed to a crane kick. This is definitely the best technique to use against a laundry folding opponent; you have excellent instincts. However, your attacker is clearly not prepared for the ferocious counterattack that is likely to come from a person who is interrupted while folding. The attacker should keep their hands up in front of their body, in fists, ready for anything.

If this were to happen in the 80's, the laundry folder might respond with a crane kick to the face, which would be unfortunate for the boyfriend/girlfriend who is attempting to add some fun to the laundry process.

Anonymous said...

I saw the link to this blog in the bathroom stall of Kerby Lane. This was definitely a good place to put the link to your blog. Funny stuff.

AMBELLINA said...

As always, you amaze me. I will continue to randomly quote you in my office full of converted fans (by me, thank-you-very-much) forever more. Thanks for all the laughs.

Mat said...

I knew bad thins would happen when I read all of your blog posts. I just saw something that said "El Boba" and read it as Ebola. -_-

ben thompson said...

i dare you to do a new post every day for a week. if its too hard then you dont have to.. but i still want you to cause i love you so much

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