World's Best Relationship Tips

If you're in a relationship, sometimes you probably feel like you're fighting a caged death-match with an invisible spider monkey. And the monkey is rabid. And you don't have any legs. And then a buffalo jumps in there and starts head-butting everything and your face catches on fire and there is a general atmosphere of chaos.

It doesn't have to be this way!  Using science, human history and my own experience, I have put together a comprehensive guide for the modern couple on how to be the best at relationships.

It is well known that one of the secrets to a long-lasting relationship is continually fending off boredom. To keep things interesting, why not buy your significant other a Kong toy? Stuff some bacon in there and let the fun begin!


Another problem in many relationships is that women feel like they have to do all the boring chores and the men just get to go out and ride around on dirt bikes and throw pies at each other.  The truth is that chores are lame and there is rarely anything fun about them.  Help your special lady out by making her daily housework into a fun challenge!  Dress up as a ninja and make her battle you to get her work done.  Hide in the closet and ambush her violently when she goes to get the vacuum.  Does she need to fold laundry?  Not before deflecting a crane kick to the face!   


Another way to make her everyday life more exciting is to dress up as a large predator and stalk her throughout the day. Women love surprises!  


The only thing women love more than surprises is feeling special.  Show the world that you are proud of your lady by wearing bright colors, making loud noises and flailing when you're walking in public with her.  She will be reassured that you do not mind calling attention to her and will greatly appreciate the gesture. 


Jealousy is an issue that creeps up inside many solid relationships and renders them useless, much like a discarded cow carcass.  Probably the best way to combat jealousy is with macaroni art.  Everyone loves macaroni art.  It is a symbol for good intentions, thoughtfulness and love.  And if you use enough glitter, she'll forget she ever felt anything less than unadulterated adoration for you.  Just make sure to only give the macaroni art to your significant other and NOT to the object of jealousy.  


On that note, when trying to impress a woman, it is often helpful to call upon her ancient instincts.  To show that you are a strong provider, sometimes it is necessary to kill things.  Contrary to popular belief, this is real reason why women like flowers.  



Although she may not know it or openly acknowledge it, watching you use your powerful muscles to slay a living thing stimulates an ancient part of her brain associated with admiration and affection.  She may appear to be horrified by your actions, but underneath that, there's a deep and growing respect for you.  After all, it takes a lot more effort to kill an animal than it does to kill a stupid flower;  Flowers don't run away and bleed all over the place while you're trying to kill them.  

One more way to appeal to your lady's inborn desires is to light things on fire.  Back in cave man days, fire was more popular than Justin Bieber.  Being able to start a fire would have been the modern day equivalent of being an extreme BMX biker who owns all the drugs in the world and walks around with a pet pegasus on a leash made of diamonds.  It is a scientific fact that women love fire.  It's in their genes.  


There are really very few problems that fire cannot resolve.  

And finally, if you ever get into an argument, imagine that your partner is a baby animal with three legs and terminal brain cancer.  I promise you won't ever be mad again.  


P.S.  Because the question has come up again and again:  

You guys, this doesn't have to be gender or orientation - specific.  I don't care if you're a man with a woman, a woman with a man, a woman with a woman, a man with a man or a cat with three legs and terminal brain cancer -- Kong toys and ninja-sniper attacks can improve your relationship.  

227 comments:

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Smileyfreak said...

That was amazing! Laughing so much! Thanks!! :)

Andrea said...

Ah, how true the words you speak!

jillsmo said...

Allie you should start writing a weekly advice column. You would be just like Dan Savage, except.... uh ..... nothing like Dan Savage.

Clabwag said...

Jillsmo, she does a weekly FASHION advice column on The Gloss (http://thegloss.com/author/abrosh/), already. If that's not advice we can live by, what the hell is?

Tropical Thinker said...

Now this is one delightful read!

Thanks for being the first thing today to make me laugh!

IBA said...

Can someone tell me is this a scam? "Free Apple iPad (ONLY ONE) from MarMarDay.com"

Mags said...

Actually, that just about sums up my ideal guy. How scary is that.

Anyone else watch "Top Gear" on BBC? These must have come from Jeremy Clarkson's rules on relationships.

jillsmo said...

Oooh, I saw that, Clabwag!! I also saw that Boyfriend had guest posted for her, but that one seems to be gone now?

everboundvenvel said...

New reader here. I'd just like to say that this blog is like a magical ray of sunshine burning through the clouds of mundane internet drama that I witness all to often as a gamer and artist. I thank you to the power of infinity...Squared.

Lara said...

Okay, so I'm such a nerd that I'm actually commenting here and thinking "Oh man, don't creep her out, don't sound like a creepy little teenage girl, even though you're twenty and technically not a teenager any more... FOCUS. Say something that isn't atrociously awkward..." and I need you to know that's what's going through my head before I comment.

I just completely love this blog, and if some person in charge of what blogs should be rich and famous walked up to me tomorrow and asked little old me to recommend one blog to be solidified as the most rich and famous, I'd tell him this one.

The stuff you write and draw cracks me up laughing when I had already designated that night to be horribly depressing. It also lets me know that there are people out there besides me and my best friend who are afraid of things like ice monsters and geese and not locking doors.

In conclusion, you are great :) I have no witty or interesting way to end this comment so it's just going to kind of trail off awkwardly...
like when you tell someone goodbye assuming you'll walk seperate ways, but you both walk the same way, and you have all of two seconds to decide what to do with this mindblowingly uncomfortable situation.........

Sarah said...

Hi Allie. I love you a lot. Just so you know. And thanks for the relationship advice. I'm single, but I passed it on to a friend of mine who most definitely needs to buy her boyfriend a kong toy and put some bacon in it.
You make me laugh so hard I cry, and even when I re-read some of your posts I laugh so hard that I cry.
<3

Olli said...

My partner is pretty much the guy in this post. I think you're wrong - it is gender-specific! That's where he's going wrong as well! He clearly thinks I'm a lady and is trying to impress me with, er, lady-impressing things!

What do I do, Allie? How do I say "Dude, I'm a dude. You haven't noticed for six years. Please put out that fire and cease your flailing." nicely?

msyendor said...

Anthropomorphism = WIN.

Little red running horse that I wanna take down like a duck at a shooting gallery. I can see it grinning as it's making a bombing run across my screen.

My cat got into the yogurt last night. Fermented yogurt old cat breath/slime/drool on my face this morning.

No La Bamba -- Got "Who let the dogs out?"

On the bright note, your 'toons are so hilarious it certainly cheered me up. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I think you have an uncanny ability to premonition aspects of Grey's Anatomy. Or at least in this instance, with the bacon love. Much love!

Joeymom said...

OK, I admit it! I used to love Kato in the Pink Panther movies, and would think it hilarious if my husband started hiding in the house while I was trying to clean for surprise ninja attacks!

But then, you should see the state of my house. Cleaning is BOR-ING.

Maude said...

Two of my friends just started dating. My female friend asked me for relationship advice, since she's bit awkward, so I just sent her a link to this page.
I hope she takes the advice. It would make every day so much more hilarious.

Kristi said...

I love this too! You are so real and so funny! Thanks for always staying true to who you are and being personal!

nika said...

brilliant. i'm allready forcing my boyfriend to read most of your posts... except that i guess i am the rabbit slaying, weird stuff wearing loud one and he's having a trance of admiration. hi from zurich, switzerland

Brian W said...

I don't know you but I saw your tips on the Internet so they must be true. I confess that I am not one to follow directions. I like to look at the pictures next to the text and wing it. You should see the kick butt coat rack thingy I made. The box said it was a picnic table but this thing is so much better. Anyhow, I made a macaroni picture of a bunny and gave it to my neighbors "challenged" cat. I hit the cat with a crow bar and stuffed what I could inside a snail shell. I then lit the snail shell on fire and jumped out of a closet dressed as a pirate to give it to my wife. Now she's banging some chick named Justin Bieber and I'm all alone. What the f&@k dude? Worst advice ever.

laaaaaaaaura said...

your sporadic updates break my heart. i want to read more more more of your hilarious stories.

crystal said...

You should write a blog about annoying radio station contests that they never post on their website.

Example:
radio contest of "pick a theme list" - pick 3 songs to play, and submit them. radio dj will pick a winning listener and then announce who picked it, and play their list.

I hear it on the radio all the time, but I've never heard a number to call and submit them, and when I go to the site, I never see a place to submit them either.

I'm seriously beginning to think all listener air time is fake, done by interns and other radio employees.

LizDunn said...

Your post reminded me of this genius song by Craig Robinson. My favorite lines? "Hide in the closet with a chocolate gun, and when she comes home from work, jump out and surprise her. Ladies love chocolate."

Graphite1 said...

Is that pedobear I see!!??

Ernie said...

LOL you are f^%$&ng NUTS!! I love it!

Profecy Productions said...

This is AWESOMAZING!

I think the only way to create something more popular than Justin Bieber or fire is to light Justin Bieber on fire. It would open a popularity singularity that may permanently damage the fabric of space time, but I bet it would also set a new record for Twitter followers!

Also, I regularly send my girlfriend flowers with a note that says, "I slew this for you."

:)

Daily Garb said...

Hillarious! I would love to see you publish a book of your drawings. There are a lot of publishing groups who are looking for exactly this style (my parents are in the business). I'm definitely emailing link to your page to the folks!

Daily Garb said...

Hillarious! I would love to see you publish a book of your drawings. There are a lot of publishing groups who are looking for exactly this style (my parents are in the business). I'm definitely emailing link to your page to the folks!

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