How to Make Showering Awesome Again


Here at Sueeve, we understand that showering can be one of the most boring, shame and confusion-filled parts of your day and we've made it our mission to fix that!  

-- If the mere sight of a loofah sends you into a gender-confusion-driven, psychotic rage, you need the Shower Hammer!


You no longer have to endure the fluffy, girly bullshit of loofahs.  Fuck loofahs.  The Shower Hammer makes you clean with violence!  


-- Another common problem faced by men the world over is that of smelling like something that isn't awesome enough.  We all know that coconut smells great, but have you ever seen a coconut burst into flames from sheer excellence?  No, you haven't.  That's why we've created the most comprehensive collection of badass aromas ever. 



-- If you are driven to psychological meltdown by the sheer variety of hygiene products available to you, you may want to consider our brand new nine-in-one shower companion!  It not only cleans you, conditions you and helps your razor glide smoothly over your face, it also keeps you company, provides a ready source of nutrients should you be stranded in the shower for any length of time and calms your nerves with a homeopathic antidepressant.  It's basically everything you will ever need in one bottle.  


-- Does your razor resemble some sort of contraption from the dark ages?  Do you feel shame and anger every time you try to shave with such primitive technology?  Do you feel that the number of blades on your current razor is entirely inadequate?  Well, guess what?  

LIGHTSPEED 3000!!! The fastest razor with the most blades ever! 


-- If you've ever wished that your showers were more reminiscent of caged death-matches, then you might be interested in our Gladiator Genie Soap!  Gladiator Genie Soap works just like regular soap, but it contains an evil spirit that will attack you mercilessly as soon as it is summoned


When you begin lathering up, the friction you create will summon the genie contained within the soap.  The genie will attempt to crush you with its teeth and/or defeat you with magic.  If you want to survive, you must fight the genie to the death.  

So if you want to turn your showers from a chore into a multi-sensory, life-or-death adventure, be sure to check out Sueeve products at your local grocery

290 comments:

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Garrison said...

I just want to be clean . . .

Johana Hill said...

You should open your advertising company! You rock! ;p

Sammie said...

hahaha awesome!

I wanna shaved by a spaceship!

Jared Stein said...

With all those brilliant ingredients, why not throw some Rogaine in the mix? But call it something else (virility enhancing follicle restoration juice).

Anonymous said...

There's nothing more emasculating than having to buy shampoo in this day and age. 100 fucking different bottles and not one that just says "Men, wash your hair with this."

I don't give a shit about super silky vs super body and smelling like fucked up shit.

ellecee said...

Thank god Sueeve makes these products. There is nothing I hate more than getting ready for some sexy times with a stud only to find that he smells like a girly man. From now on, I'm going to only date men who smell like doe urine.

Whitney Ellen said...

This is SO GREAT

It's like being HIT IN THE FACE BY A BRICK OF PURE AWESOMENESS

also it kind of reminds me of powerthirst -- ever watched it? i think it's your kind of humor. except done in poor flash animation.

Anonymous said...

I love the manly speedos almost as much as the idea of fighting something that SHOOTS OUT OF A FUCKING SHAMPOO BOTTLE. BRING IT.

Lora said...

Wow. It's like you evesdropped on my boyfriend and I discussing his loathing for what we call a "poof". Not the British term for one of a homosexual persuasion but my poofy thing made of a net-like material in the shower. I even bought him a black one for the first time he came to visit me (we're long distance). Nope. Not even a black poof could make him compromise his manhood in that way. As soon as I saw this, I sent it to him and we both laughed hysterically. Allie, you rock!

f150tom said...

I found this so funny. I decided that my wife would get a laugh reading this. She finished reading and said "There is something seriously wrong with this girl." "You want to have babies with her, don't you?" "Is this what you do with your free time?" Now I remember why I stopped showing my wife this kind of stuff...

cmonster said...

Firstly THANKS!!!!!....for making a new entry on your blog. I was genuinely worried that y'all's illnesses. (I apologize for the Texas colloquialism. It is the only one I have...erm...I think) It sounded like the health problems had really gotten bad and foulness was afoot with y'all's well being.

THANKS!!!!! Also for accepting the friend request on Facebook. I hope you'll have time to look at the photo albums I have made and will get either some laughs or some *ewwww!* out of them. I have made several photo albums documenting surgeries and junk I seem to keep involving my carcass in over the past several years.

There are also pics of work with the haunted house I have been involved with for the past 20 years....the Halloween type, not the paranormal type. We MAY be haunted though. That's another story...

I'm in the midst of a recovery now and will be needing large amounts of input from the Internet to keep my mind occupied. Finding your blog was a definite blessing since I was becoming quite bitter and jaded with seeing the same old ...erm...CRAP day after day after day after day. There really isn't anything new out there in the World Wide Web.

I've been subjecting my brainpan to the poisons of the Internet since January 28th when a thumb-sized chunk of bone was ripped out of my heel as my Achilles tendon decided it had enough and was going on a sabatical. It also tore loose the tendon that controls my big toe in it's haste to rip bone out of my heel and create a ruckus at the Las Vegas airport.

I won't bore you with the details and strangeness of that here. I think I have a link to the fiasco on Facebook somewhere and if not, I plan on putting the event in a blog I inadvertently have created whilst trying to figure out how to follow your blog and cartoons. It's another weird story and proof that being in my mid-40's does NOT mean that I have counteracted my once-blonde hair. I'm still somewhat of a doofus. My apologies in advance.

I also tend to type in stream-of-consciousness, so I should apologize for that as well since I seem to be doing it again. *ARGH!*

Anyhoo...your cartoons and writing have made the past several days much more tolerable and I seem to have some drive to be productive again. I've been laid up for 3 months and it may be another 3-6 months of down-time, so I need to keep my spirits up. Thanks for helping do that!

I have gone and voted for you in the requested areas and have advised people to come to your blog on my own site. I do not expect the same in return, mind you. Like I said, the blog I created was purely circumstantial to my naiveté of following a blogger and feeds. This is new to me.

I'm not sure how my blog will pan out since I don't really think folks want to hear the strange things that go on in my life. Besides that, I tend to make grammatical errors frequently, so the Grammar Nazi may have a stress-related epileptic grand mal seizure from trying to make sense of my writing. Again, I ramble.

I hope you and Boyfriend are well and healthy! Y'all seem like the kind of folks that would be in my circle of friends here in the Fort Worth area and I look forward to digging more into the archives and especially new posts. I REALLY love the cartoons! Thanks for the laughs!

Best Regards!
-Chuckula, Cmonster, Chuck...whatever. I answer to them all.

Jocelyn said...

This should definitely go in the "Best of H&1/2" column!

Kali said...

Will you make a t-shirt available of the "Shower Hammer: makes you clean with violence!"? I love it.

Ireland said...

allie, you are such a uber source of random awesomeness that my laughing organs just might explode from overuse.

maybe one day I will be as funny as you. I doubt it, but I can hope :)

do you think this stuff will make my little brother take more showers? because that would be great.

Joygazmic said...

...and i thought I had amazing showers.

Anonymous said...

My life sucks. But your blaaagh makes it suck less. So I felt compelled to thank you for that.

If I had confetti, I would definitely throw it right now. But since I'm poor I'll probably just shred up a newspaper and rub some glitter glue on it, instead. That should dazzle you enough.

Sueeve NINE IN ONE!! would help me accomplish world domination at least 897398749374% faster. Yes, that's a real percentage.

Potato said...

"We all know that coconut smells great, but have you ever seen a coconut burst into flames from sheer excellence?"

Does lighter fluid, a group of bored teenage boys, and a match count as sheer excellence?

Stephanie said...

LMAO I am sending this to my hubby. I love your blog!

Sarah K. said...

Oh my, you are so awesome!! hahahah :D

Sarah K. said...

Oh my, you are so awesome!! hahahah :D

James said...

The Lightspeed 3000 is a great idea, I could consider upgrading, but is it a closer shave than a Chainrazor 400?

I know razor-within-razor is going to be all the rage, but I found the modified-chainsaw with razor-rotation at 200-rpm to take care of all my stubble problems..and a good way to lose unsightly pounds from your cheeks.

MC Etcher said...

I laughed hard! Keep up the good work!

Oisille said...

This was amazing, I was actually bent double. Jet pack razors? Puts Mac 5(?) to shame.

quiltzyx said...

Thanks, Allie, for all the laughter, it's all your fault today.
And I, for one, am thankful those guys shower in their speedos ~ who wants to see a 'roidal body builder's jiggly bits?

AmberSpider said...

<3 <3 <3
This made my day (^_^)

PeaceBang said...

I love you! I want someone to send you buckets of money and whatever else your heart desires!
Please be healthy and well forever and ever.

Also, I want my legs to be shaved by a spaceship!

shirar88 said...

"It's like a fucking Russian nesting doll, but with razor blades instead."

This actually made me cackle out loud. Thank you.

steff said...

this is hilarious woman. i have a question: would the shower hammer also work as a meat mallet or is that just too unhygenic? im just thinking cross-marketing potential.

Anonymous said...

Gotta say this entry had me in stitches! I love your blog and your astute sense of what the consumers need! And your art is fantastic.

~just a fellow Western Montanan

Kyle said...

Sueeve should subtract the companion and add protein if it wants to truly appeal to men.

Anonymous said...

I fucking love you.
thechurchofalmightyunicorn.blogspot.com

Janine said...

Best men's-grooming-speak EVER. Bloody genius. Maybe literally.

V2Blast said...

I love this so much. It made me laugh multiple times. :D

Anonymous said...

i <3 you

Snowflake Ninja said...

In this post a problem exists, the roflcopter cannot handle so much rofl! You've effectively ended the reign of roflcopter entirely! ALLIE, WE NEED THE ROFLCOPTER TO STOP FORUM TROLLS!

In any case, this post deserves extra gratification because my friend read it and feels depressed because he was just talking about making a picture/blog post like this...the only reason that deserves gratification must be because that very friend just insulted The Cure...I dunno'

Sincerely,
Snowflake Ninja

P.S. I really wish I'd known about your blog a long time ago. I now sit and wait for a new post to come out...in one spot...with no food or water...I'm going to die aren't I?

P.P.S. I live in the woods, bears make me happy and scared at the same time now!

Griff said...

so glad you're back. I was worried.

chainsawllama said...

I cackled for some time over this... particularly during the shower hammer and blades within blades.

...and the roid-raging win image at the end.

Britta said...

OMG did you read my mind? I HATE SHOWERING!!! IT IS SO BORING!!! I will never be smelly again thanks to gladiator genie soap. NO MORE BORING SHOWERS!!!

-Kilo said...

I have long thought that courage was missing that extra pomegranate kick. You're a mind reader!

Nikolai said...

Your drawings are so amazing, maybe you can make movie posters for all of my movie reviews on my website?

I like that you are from Montana because I am thinking my home Belarus is to Europe what Montana is to a United States.

Elon said...

I need to go get myself an economy-sized tub of that Nine-in-One.

Terri said...

Cwap! This is the funniest blog on the interwebz. I've been loling instead of working and now my week is likely screwed and it's all your fault!

I already wuv your blog alot. . .

PS: I came here via Janet Reid's literary agent blog.

Terri
www.whyifearclowns.com

Anonymous said...

Haha, I love it... Alot. But I think I'll just stick to loofahs. XD


Um... can we have more Spaghatta Nadle, please?

Beth Frykman said...

I never did look through all 247 comments that were up at the time of writing this to see whether she answered, but I think that there was a misunderstanding about Ebonwumon's comment. I'm pretty sure that after walking to a nearby grocery store, she found out that there had been a motherfucking sellout of Sueeve products. It could have easily been read by others as an accusatory statement. No, I'm pretty sure that she was just let down by how her or her man's showers were going to stay lame.

Ben said...

I'd like you to know that everything you do is super great. You have never failed to make me laugh.

Glyn Harries said...

Brilliant. Despite fear of getting lost amongst the multitudes of fans, I just wanted to leave a comment to say that I have recently discovered your blog and, well – quite frankly – well done.

Lots of love from your biggest British fan (probably – I reckon),

Glyn

tnd8863 said...

I can haz more frequent posts?

kthxbye!

Jill said...

"Fire Extract"...."Dog Urine - Now with Acai Berry"... You are hysterical. Love your twisted brain!!!

xojustagirl said...

I accidentally found your blog while procrastinating on studying for the one final I have this semester (this is how pathetic I am), and I have to thank you from the bottom of my undermotivated heart. This study break kicks Facebook's booty. I have literally laughed so hard I've cried. Multiple times. I may not do great on my final tomorrow, but this way infinitely more fun. THANK YOU!

mimi said...

I love your manly-men with no necks and gigantic pecs. Your drawings are the best.

Majic said...

This was really funny, hilarious, over the top. I loved it. It was not nine days funny though young lady.

Jen said...

Why is he not on a horse???? Oh wait...

Anonymous said...

Genius!

Anonymous said...

Fuck loofahs. Hahahahaha...fucking awesome!

Johnathan said...

Oh my gosh.
My friend sent me a link to your blog, and now I have been stuck here reading the effing thing for 3 HOURS when I could have been studying for my Calculus, Newtonian mechanics and Basic Meteorology finals that I have tomorrow so I'm sitting here reading this blog and laughing except I'm sorta sick so every time I start laughing it turns into a sickly, wheezing, thrashy fit of coughing and I fall out of my chair rolling around and dying until I can get control of my breathing enough to haul myself back into my chair and start the whole saga over again. At least I'm not studying. Also, I think I love you.

Brooke said...

Haha I want to bleed the germs away!

Meagan said...

While I admit this post was totally awesome to the extreme, I gotta say something: if the people from Dove for Men see this and try and steal you away to run their ad campaign, PLEASE SAY NO! We need you here. Plus their "manly" bodywash is totally just some girlie bodywash in a stupid BLUE container. Like no one will be able to tell when he comes out smelling like a damn peach blossom.

The Naked Writer said...

I love your posts! They are funny, quirky and your animation is awesome! You are probably waaaay too famous to read any of these comments anymore but i thought a shout out was necessary YOU ROCK!

You make my day when i get new posts!

I know you have a lot of readers and probably don't get to read other new blogs cause your wicked famous and shit, but if you have some time, maybe you would like to visit mine?

It's a wacky, off the wall humor that I know you will love! Cause we were made from the same sperm donor :o) Did I mention it has cartoons? well, it does!

Anyways, it's a blog that would make a 4 year old jealous cause of its awesomeness...you know you wanna check it out so stop procrastinating and do it already! GOD!
( i know, it's shameless self promotion, but how else do you get to know people who are into the same fucked up humor as me?)

http://www.thewritingwomb.com

thanks for making me laugh so hard that i fart brain out of my butt hole and for the support!

Chris said...

Brilliant, actually had me in stitches! Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

Please make this into a poster so that I may purchase it and put in the bathroom to motivate my husband and stinky stinky stepsons.

Dukko said...

This is awesome. Really.

Bridget said...

This post is soooo fucking halarious

But I just wanted to point out that this is the 69th post youve done for the year 2010

I win for being the first to notice that XD

Lacey said...

I demand that you add a period to the end of the very last sentence of this post. And then be my best friend forever because this was so effing awesome that my monitor burst into flames just like Sueeve-Doe-Urine-Now-With-Acai-Berry!

Cameron said...

I LOVE YOU. I love you so much that i am considering quitting my job, leaving my family behind, and traveling across the country just to stalk you...as a profession.

Sara said...

This post is now held in the same regard as I hold Zoolander. That's saying something.

Anonymous said...

Whatevs.. my bodywash contains Unicorn - Mist and Pearl Explosions!

Mathew said...

This is amazing!

Anonymous said...

I have read this ten times (Hyberbole...see what I did there? I crack myself up) and have laughed out loud every time. Thanks for making my day less crappy!

Christopher said...

Hilarious post. BEST ONE EVAR!!1!

Keep up the good work, pretty please.

Andy said...

Dang! I think your shower hammer is going to beat my shower chainsaw to market!

http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/

Alyssa said...

This is the best thing ever.

Curiosity said...

This was brilliant. Just...brilliant.

Lindsay said...

My other half is demanding some Nine In One. :D

Mika aka Xeyli said...

My friend linked this on her Gchat status, and so I clicked the link. Love it! You make me want to do my MS Paint doodling again :)

Sadako said...

Loved this! Loving this blog.

Alithea said...

I think you swooped in just at the right time to parody the men's bodywash and other soap commercials. Continue your awesomeness. ^_~

Maximilian said...

Do all macho men shower in their underwear?

2 Ply Parachutes said...

You know what sucks...scrolling ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM TO CLICK ON "PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT". 286 posts...seriously. WTF.

Its all your fault. Because your blog is just TOO damn good and funny and funny.

Anyway...I'm going to forge new ground in the art of postery and comment on this post AND the previous one (as my fingers are still sore from scrolling down that f'ing post list...maybe you can issue a warning or something?)

A. This shower products post made me laugh my ASS off.

B. I'm so glad you are not dead because i love your blog.

And yes I know I typed funny twice up there. I would correct it, but I'm going to leave it, as perhaps it implies 2X the funniness.

I'm going to stop typing now.

robotbuilder said...

I think I love you.

kaloo said...

You are indeed a master of the male psyche.

MayoPie said...

I don't know if someone has said this already, but I have seen coconuts burst into flames from excellence.

If they have, then I'm obviously not the only one who's seen it happen.

christie ! said...

One of your best for sure. Literal LOLs ensued. Figurative ROFLs as well.

pickles said...

I want t=The Lightspeed 3000!!!!! I have a question though: Are the jet packs powerful enough to carry me around? Then I can fly places and shave at the same time! :D

Angela said...

DUDE...WHAT THE FUCK? THIS SHIT MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD FOR 80-90 HOURS THIS WEEK! (not really, because i just thought of how long that really is...maybe more like 50-60 LOL) i think people are so intrigued because you publish stuff that people only THINK! at least that's how i justify my fan club ;-) ROCK ON DUDE! LOVE THIS STUFF!

Anonymous said...

The beard guy looks like Kimbo Slice.

Also, your blog is great, and I found it because of the near-equally great Ben Fowlkes.

Spidergrackle said...

You are good for my soul.

Mengzhu said...

I just found your blog today... and now I want to marry you. I'm sure you get these random proposals all the time because of A) the hilarity of your blog B) the fame the blog has brought you and/or C) your talent with Mac Paint. Please let me know if you and Boyfriend doesn't work out. Even if you reject my proposal, please keep writing. Your blog has made the world a better place. Also because I think it has made my friend pee his pants from laughing. I'm now waiting to see drama when he realizes his "accident". (Note* My friend. Not me. I have great bladder control.) p.s. I tried to post this same comment a minute ago, but the evil MS Explorer Monster ate it. If it somehow did post, now you know why it is posted twice. It was because of the evil MS Explorer Monster and nothing else... now I'm going to go re-read your blog about avoiding awkward situations.... :)

Anonymous said...

i am commenter 291. i'm not quite sure how i got here.

Miss Mayhem said...

What the hell is wrong with you? Where do you come up with this stuff?
You are so awesome!

Mens swimwear said...

nice bikinis!

Mens swimwear

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