Apparently I am a Failure at Success

Hi.  I am not coping well with this bit of success I seem to have come across.  It appears that my nervous system is having trouble distinguishing celebratory excitement from extreme danger.


As you can imagine, this has not helped to foster an atmosphere of tranquil creativity.  Every time I sit down to try to write or draw something, I feel like chaos and darkness are going to erupt out of me like some sort of natural disaster laced with PCP and everything I love is going to die.  

Much of this terror may stem from previous experiences with feelings of success. 


The same thing happened when I decided that I wanted to be a psychologist and then a journalist and then a doctor again.    

I want this time to be different.  I want things to work out.  I'm utterly terrified of waking up one morning to find some guy standing over my bed with a flashing neon sign that reads "HAHA.  No one actually likes you!!!  It was all a joke and you fell for it!!!  You idiot!"  

So I've been keeping all my excitement bottled up inside even though I desperately want to tell anyone who will listen about how great my life is right now.  It's partly because I'm superstitious and partly because I believe in at least maintaining the appearance of modesty.  


The combination of feeling like I'm going to die and repressing my happy feelings for fear of looking like an idiot, has made it nearly impossible for me to get my ideas out in a coherent way.  I have a whole binder full of post ideas, but when I try to sit down and actually put them together, it just ends up looking like something created by a schizophrenic baboon with a bear fetish and an endless supply of finger paint; like there's some stupid little guy living in my head and all he wants to write about is bears. 


Anyway, I wanted to let you know what's going on and why I haven't been posting as much.   It will get better.  This has happened before.  Does anybody remember that week where all I posted was a string of Rick Moranis pictures?  And then that somehow turned into a failed side-project called LOLRickMoranis?  That was a shameful time.  However, it seemed to work itself out and everything went back to normal the next week.  Let's all hope that's the case here.   If it isn't, I sincerely hope you enjoy reading about bears as much as I seem to enjoy writing about them.

UPDATE:  Just to clarify, I still want to be famous and win the internet.  It's just that it might take a few days of being a total recluse to get me back to the point where I can write/draw funny things.

UPDATE:  You know what?  Fuck it.


231 comments:

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Buzz said...

My Bear Chips T-Shirt arrived in the mail today just in time for Easter! When I walk the red carpet tomorrow and the E! reporter asks me what I'm wearing, I can proudly say "Allie Brosh." (well, replace "red carpet" with "backyard BBQ" and E! reporter with "random friend.") Dr. Spock may have accomplished a lot, but he never provided me with a wardrobe. So you have that going for you, which is nice.

Christian said...

So, I just discovered this blog on...Thursday maybe? And I have read every last post you have written. I don't think anybody besides myself has ever made me laugh this hard, ever, and you have become my new internet best friend. I think it is probably your masterful use of the English language combined with your somewhat bizarre insanity that makes me love you, because it seems like we are probably the same person.

Side note: If your boyfriend impregnates you whilst he is under the influence of skittles, the cracked out child would probably grow up to be just like me. If this happens...for the love of god, don't let that child stay up really late around other people or get cracked out on skittles. It reminds me of one time when I thought a mug of coffee needed ten sugar packets...needless to say the next few hours of working were horrifically boring.

So this comment has nothing to do with this blog post yet, I would like to say bears are awesome. Not quite as awesome as unicorns gliding their way through oceanwater aided by their trusty manatee companions.

Ps: Would it be creepy for me to friend request you on facebook?

Anonymous said...

Laughter is the best medicine! And I get my weekly dose from your blog...so... be excited and happy:) Get it all out and then continue blogging. Your patients need you!

Anonymous said...

I've gone to your site on three different computers today for the purpose of reading and/or showing entries to people; those count as unique visitors right?

I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse because I am a new reader and I am showing people your site already but you actually have two less visitors than you thought but the one visitor is honestly awesome enough for three so it pretty much works out in the end.

-Di

Anonymous said...

FOUR COMPUTERS FOUR I FORGOT I TOTALLY WAS READING AT WORK that makes laptop boyfriend's laptop boyfriend's desktop and work computer so FOUR. BAM.

-Di again

Zachery said...

I doubt you're able to find me Allie, if you are we need to talk about security issues in the DOD. This, however, is not the reason I posted. I need, I repeat, I NEED you to post new material. I might explode while waiting for you to recharge your "creative juices" so to speak. I, along with others I'm sure, are dying while you face your inner success demons. You will master all of the internet some day. This is a fact and the internet simply needs to accept it. You on the other hand simply need to walk up to the internet slap it in it's face and tell it, "stop trying to defy my will!" You are AMAZING and as such need to bestow upon your followers a bit of compassion and give us our daily dose of awesome! Please Allie, mistress of internet awesome give me a dose before I... crap I exploded... but others, you must... save... the others...

Dan said...

You made it to the top of reddit, you won the Internet already.

MooCow said...

Don't worry deary, we're all assholes too D:

And I have the same fears, the difference is i'm still stuck in this ridiculous limbo cos i'm too much of a pussy to show myself. You're awesome k and even if some of your work ends up being shitty that doesn't change the fact!

Good luck to ya, I wish you success lady!

Anonymous said...

hey dood! love the blog! one thing tho -- dont feel the need to apologize for not posting. all the really successful bloggers never do... you get their hilarity when you get their hilarity. ;D

Scott said...

Don't worry about being a bragging asshole, Allie. I LOVE what you do. We already have enough doctors or wannabe doctors as it is. What we DON'T have is enough people who are wildly creative and criminally funny. Keep up the great work and haters be damned!

Chocolatesa said...

Hey did you know that in french the big dipper (you know the constellation) is called the big bear? So you're right. You just drew a picture of a constellation :)

Cap said...

I bet Kyle is sorry now!!

Tonya said...

OMG, I totally feel like this whenever something good happens! Like if I get an easy parking space I'm convinced a tree will fall on my foot and they'll have to chop it off, but they're doctors so they'll do it wrong and end up amputating both feet and then I'll have to slide around using ski poles and tea saucers as feet. See, aren't you glad you aren't a doctor -- save lives....right, after they fuck shit up!
You are better than a doc, you just made me feel good about myself. Thanks!

Antiorder said...

I agree with Delicia, and not just because her name rhymes with Alicia (mine). Haha...

Silver said...

Um, I don't know why your post just showed up on my screen but in the vein of "everything happens for a reason" I kinda like what you have to say. So, y'know, keep saying stuff.

Kristin said...

dont worry, you will be famous and win the internet.

Christie said...

Don't be silly. Bears are what make life worth living.

Write about bears as much as your little brain-man desires - I will be cackling with mauling glee all the same.

Anonymous said...

Girl, saving people's lives is so fucking overrated! You make people LAUGH!!!!!!!!!! So much more important. Really. We were up at 5:45 on Saturday morning with the birds chirping going, "I'm a fucking bird! I'm a fucking bird! Wake up!" You make us laugh every day ;)
P.S. I went to my 20 year high school reunion 2 years ago, and no one else is doing anything great either!

Ginny said...

Hi Allie,

I came to your blog through that goddess of blogging, the bloggess (sounds like the beginning of a nursery rhyme!).

A couple of things popped into my head as I was walking my elderly dog. I remember reading about a top tennis player suddenly becoming awkward on the court. Her strokes were wooden. It was if she’d forgotten her technique. Apparently she’d fallen victim to suddenly become conscious of the mechanics of her swing. And once that happened—becoming self-conscious—she lost the ability to play. I think this was short lived and she soon regained her instinct and confidence.

The other thing was a time I became the new member of a team working under deadline on a two-day project, a yearly update of information from every state. Everyone else but me had worked on at least one prior update; some had worked on a number of them over the years. It turned out I was slower than anyone else in organizing and synthesizing the information and writing the synopses. Plus I’m not a speedy writer to begin with.

The night of day one I was kind of a wreck and worried about getting all the work done by the end of the next day. So I went into meditation mode and visualized successfully finishing the work. I also said affirmations about having spent a nonstressful day working on the project. The next day was a challenge and I can’t say it was easy, but I didn’t panic about not being able to do the job. I was actually calm and able to think straight in spite of being exhausted. It was as if the meditation, visualization, and affirmations were protecting me, providing a kind of support, giving me confidence. Actually meditation alone is great for freeing the mind.

Best of luck.

Jaina said...

Oh, wow. I was just denied admission to grad school, and your post has been the first thing that's really made me feel better. Thank you so much. I'm going to go draw an octopus.

Hala Waving said...

gimme some bears baby!

Kendra said...

I'm a new reader who sort of accidentally found you via your "cake vs pie" post. That one made me come back. But the thing that makes me grab a cup of coffee and prepare to giggle when I see your name in my Google Reader? The fish story. Even my 4-year-old and 6-year-old keep asking if we can look at the story with the funny pictures about the fish again.

I hope that's not too much pressure to be funny every moment of the day. I don't expect everying out of your mouth (or keyboard) be comedy gold. But I haven't been disappointed so far!

Qoddess said...

You've been quoted.. again!


http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2010/04/quotes-april-7-2010.html

Bridget Delaney said...

Thanks! Used your pictures in your blog for one of my "Wordy Wednesday" prompts!

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2871706/wordy_wednesday.html?cat=44

Michael said...

Magic space bear FOR THE WIN!!!
Rock on.

rabbit said...

I think I may have just fallen in love with you.


it's a bad Idea, falling in love.


so pretend I didn't tell you,

and we won't speak of this.

Joelle said...

You are awesome. But you will never win the internet if you don't have a Facebook fan page. Go to it.

Kevin said...

This is creepily similar to how I (almost) quit smoking recently. I made the HUGE mistake of telling every single soul I know that I was gonna quit, and then guess what? Life events happened, and I'm back to putting cancer in my body. Thank you for making my day. I absolutely love your blog.

atika said...

I like it! its all fate..

Nikki said...

I am unemployed and can relate. I started a retarded blog a few weeks ago. It bides away the time while I sort out the "real" jobs from the "crap" jobs that are sent to me via job service, monster and career builder.
By the way, if you don't have a real job yet, apparently Avon is recruiting. They sent me 6 announcements in one day. I'm sure selling nail polish and lipstick would be fun (just not for me). I prefer to drink beer and wish I could smoke cigarettes even though I quit a long time ago. Good luck to you and thanks for making me smile. I hope you win the internet. I want to win my own tv show making fun of others but I hate people so probably won't happen now.

Cosmic said...

It's like listening to myself. Except with different careers.

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