Thing of the Day: Microwave. Rating: NOT AWESOME

Microwave, we need to get a few things straight here.  First and foremost, five consecutive beeps is more than enough to alert me that you have finished cooking what I’ve asked you to cook.  I swear to God, you beep louder than anything has ever beeped before.  At 6:00 AM, this kind of behavior is alarming and unnecessary. 

Another point of contention is that button of yours marked “time.”  If I want you to cook something, I cannot just start pressing number buttons.  No, that would be too simple.  Instead, you force me to verify that I am indeed planning on using the number buttons as an indication of how long I expect you to nuke my food.  Is this step really necessary?  I cannot be expected to remember this requirement of yours at the aforementioned hour of 6 in the morning, and I just end up fumbling confusedly with your buttons until I remember “oh yeah, the microwave can’t understand even the simplest directions until I press ‘time,’” which makes me even more irritated and unable to handle your ludicrous beeping. 

 You also seem to misunderstand the meaning of “defrost.”  When I ask you to defrost something, it means that I want you to make it unfrozen enough to cook on the stove (which, by the way, is way better at its job than you.)  It does not mean that I want you to cook the shit out of a quarter-sized portion of my flank steak while leaving the rest completely frozen.  Are you high? Why would I want you to do that? 

Additionally, you seem to define a “day” differently than I do.  Where I come from, a day is equal to exactly 24 hours, but you seem to be under the impression that 24 hours and 58 seconds is an acceptable approximation.  I assure you, it is not.  You have a clock in your stupid face for a reason:  to help me tell time so that I may be punctual in my activities.  When you get sloppy and lose track of a minute every day, it really adds up.  This is especially troublesome because I was brought up to believe that clocks should not be doubted in their ability to track the passage of time.  I trusted you, and you let me down.  I know that being off by 17 minutes doesn’t seem like much to you because you are a microwave and your life doesn’t involve going places and doing things, but as a human, 17 minutes can mean the difference between getting an A on a lab report and not even being allowed to turn it in.  To put that in perspective, do you remember that time I overcooked that piece of chicken?  Remember how it made you stink for about 19 months?  That piece of chicken was only overcooked for about 2 minutes.   Are you beginning to grasp the seriousness of this problem?

If you are unwilling or unable to perform the basic functions for which you were designed, I may be forced to replace you.  I feel bad about having to get rid of you, but I can’t exactly keep an annoying chunk of beeping plastic around just for sentimentality and I could really use the counter space.  

So now the ball is in your court, Microwave.  If you don’t want to end up being a chair for some dump-dwelling vagrant, I would suggest that you reevaluate your behavior.  

Sincerely,

Allie

7 comments:

Judy Fort said...

This made me laugh ill I had tears. So sharing this with my friends!

Allie said...

I sense that I am not the only one with microwave troubles.... :)

I'm glad you liked it!

Nikole said...

It hurts me that the buttons are to the of the door. I feel like that would constantly confuse me as I have only had microwaves with right-sided buttons..are my microwaves backwards or is yours?

Nikole said...

Left. It hurts me that the buttons are to the LEFT of the door. I suck.

Azaad!! said...

It's awesome... I totally laughed through the ENTIRE post... it was better than the one about your annoying neighbor who keeps singing Yellow Submarine...

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your posts.. I started with the earliest ones, so I'm catching up! :)

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD!:) i was reading ur blog on my phone when i came across this post on the train. I was laughing all the way loudly the whole time reading this post and everyone stared at me but I can't help myself. BEST HUMOR EVER.

Michelle said...

At least your microwave is cool and you can punch in numbers. Mine has two dials on it. The top toggles between "Defrost" and "Cook" and the bottom toggles between 0-46 minutes with every 2 minutes marked. Oh and if I want to cook something for a minute, I can't just put it between 0 and 2. The microwave doesn't work then. I have to just turn the dial to some random number and count. Then stop it and turn the dial back to zero. Oh and if I leave the dial running whilst the door is open, minutes later the microwave will ding at me and I end up throwing whatever object it was I had heated for a minute onto the carpet. Which means I have to get the vacuum out...