I made the mistake of checking my bank account balance yesterday. Let's just say that if my account balance was a pile of rocks, I would not have a very big pile of rocks. In fact, if we lived in a society where rocks were used as a sort of primitive currency, I would not have enough rocks to pay rent. This realization prompted me to reevaluate my spending in an attempt to find things I could cut out of my budget. Here are my total superfluous expenses for the month of June:
1. Food that tastes good
2. "Fancy" tampons
3. Overdue movie rentals
4. One issue of Cosmopolitan magazine
I had no choice but to eliminate all but the most essential expenditures, so I resigned myself to a more spartan existence.
Day-One without my luxuries went surprisingly well, until about 9:00 PM. It is at about that time that I usually have dessert. When I realized that I was not going to get dessert - not even the next night or the night after that - I began to panic. For the first time in my life, I briefly considered prostitution. How hard could it be? Craigslist has turned the world into a virtual street corner. My mind started churning over the angles I could use to advertise myself:
slightly used 1985 model female companion. All original parts. 1 previous owner. Fairly low maintenance. 20 miles per pint of Ben and Jerry's. $50 or equivalent amount of chocolate/tampons.
An ad of this magnitude would surely garner me all the chocolate and fancy tampons I could ever dream of! I could even buy two different-colored highlighters if I felt so inclined!
Just as I was getting excited about my prostitution-fueled candyland, my boyfriend reminded me that I respect myself too much to actually go through with selling my body for dessert and feminine hygiene products. But I am not so sure. My moral standards get a little hazy when I am facing this kind of deprivation.
My boyfriend also brought to my attention that I wouldn't actually be making as much money as I thought because I would definitely have to get myself a pimp "for protection." My boyfriend is always looking out for my safety and well-being!
I have not, as of yet, put up my ad on Craigslist, but it is almost lunchtime and I am already sick of rice.