Adventures in Depression

Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason.


It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."

But my sadness didn't have a purpose.  Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.


Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.

And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself.


Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. "That will do," I thought. "I've had my fun, let's move on to something else now." But the sadness didn't go away.

I tried to force myself to not be sad.


But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work. 


When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a final, desperate attempt to regain power over myself, I turned to shame as a sort of motivational tool.

 

But, since I was depressed, this tactic was less inspirational and more just a way to oppress myself with hatred.


Which made me more sad. 


Which then made me more frustrated and abusive.


And that made me even more sad, and so on and so forth until the only way to adequately express my sadness was to crawl very slowly across the floor.


The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.


I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.


Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

I couldn't even muster up the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore.


I just drifted around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.


If my life was a movie, the turning point of my depression would have been inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled epiphanies about discovering my true self and I would conquer my demons and go on to live out the rest of my life in happiness.

Instead, my turning point mostly hinged upon the fact that I had rented some movies and then I didn't return them for too long.

The late fees had reached the point where the injustice of paying any more than I already owed outweighed my apathy. I considered just keeping the movies and never going to the video store again, but then I remembered that I still wanted to re-watch Jumanji.

I put on some clothes, put the movies in my backpack and biked to the video store. It was the slowest, most resentful bike ride ever.


And when I arrived, I found out that they didn't even have Jumanji in.

Just as I was debating whether I should settle on a movie that wasn't Jumanji or go home and stare in abject silence, I noticed a woman looking at me weirdly from a couple rows over.


She was probably looking at me that way because I looked really, really depressed and I was dressed like an eskimo vagrant.

Normally, I would have felt an instant, crushing sense of self-consciousness, but instead, I felt nothing.



I've always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally - finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji.

I felt invincible.


And thus began a tiny rebellion.


Then I swooped out of there like the Batman and biked home in a blaze of defiant glory.


And that's how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.

4,264 comments:

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Riin said...

Glad you're back. Sorry you're feeling sucky. I can totally relate. I've had problems with depression my whole life. I usually feel pretty good these days, but this week I've been feeling sad, but not sad ABOUT anything, just sad. It always passes eventually though.

I hope we both feel better soon.

Jen said...

Hugs, Allie. You're a bad-ass, brave woman for posting this, and anybody who talks about "making excuses" or makes sexist comments or writes this post off as sucky because it's not humorous can suck a bag of dicks. You connect with people with every comic you write, and this one happens to connect on a deeper level. Sending you good vibes for conquering your depression.

Ian Alexander said...

Did you ever end up touching a spider?

flossieKNITS said...

this is completely accurate, and I thank you for it.

Reconfigure said...

Awesome. As you probably know, sometimes there really isn't a reason why people don't feel right. Sometimes the fact that there isn't a specific reason makes it worse!

I think the talking demeaningly to yourself is a sign there's some negative thinking going on in there ("in there" meaning your head), which is something therapists try to get their patients to work on.
Basically also a part of working with that is just saying "so what" in response to self-criticism, or to criticism from others in regards to "feeling bad for no good reason." You might have had someone when you were growing up who criticized your actions, or lack of, or didn't understand why you acted the way you did or wasn't very accepting. One big part of dealing with this sort of self-defeatism is just to say, "You know what? F*ck you and f*ck that."

Aside from that, the theory regarding "feeling bad for no reason" is that it's a chemical imbalance, which can pretty much influence not just your brain, but your body as well. It's mainly what anti-depressants treat. Of course, exercise is supposed to help this. The hard part is actually exercising.

In short, gerd jerb, and keep up the good work. :-)

Lauren said...

Replace skittles with Reese's pieces and you've got me. Except I haven't reached the not caring part yet. Yay hope?

Penguin said...

This is why I love your blog so much. You are hilarious and have given me a much needed laugh many times in the past. But, at the same time, you are very real and honest, especially when you talk about things like this. Everything you describe here is something I can completely relate to. When I see all the comments of people who can relate as well, I don't feel so alone. You give me hope because you are so likable not in spite of but partially BECAUSE OF the problems you face. It makes me think I can be a likable person too. So....sorry for rambling...but thanks. :)

Squirrel said...

I hope this story is based on the past or else you're feeling much better now.

Thank you for providing me with another page I can send people to when they just can't understand why I act the way I do. Previously I just sent them to your post "This is Why I'll Never be an Adult" but it only partially explained things. I think I should make both posts required reading for anyone who wants to talk to me.

Gina said...

Someone who can make depression this funny deserves an exoskeleton. Enjoy it.

Angela said...

Thank. You.

A x

andy said...

Welcome to Fight Club. It's only when you have lost everything that you are you free to do anything.

Angela said...

I have really missed your posts Alot. I am sorry to hear that you have been having such a difficult time. But I'm glad to hear that you are pulling through it with new found strength. I hope your fan support helps. Glad you are back!

Anonymous said...

oh allie. i've missed you.
...in a totally non-creepy way. I just realized how creeper-esqe that sounded. my bad...welcome back :)

I.Am.Sam. said...

I've been there, Allie... locked in that shit hole depression that has no cause. Trying to guilt your way out of it by reminding yourself of dying puppies - which only makes you sadder because puppies are dying - then you try to focus on the people in your life who treat you like shit so you have something to be depressed about and THAT doesn't help [wonder why] so you focus on the good things in your life hoping THAT will kick your ass sufficiently but it only serves to make you feel you don't deserve any of those good things. It's a beautifully irony circle of a black downward spiral. I hate that you were buried in that shit, but I'm glad something triggered the clawing-your-way-out-of-the-pit.

If it helps, we love you.

I have a cat. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
timing said...

I waited six months for THIS? Good thing you have no feelings because I came here to tell you this post sucked.

I mean, it's still better than most anything else out there on the internet, but compared to your other works this was a hot plate of ass.

Shape up, girl.

Wynne said...

As someone who went through the same thing this summer, albeit with a nagging mother and a new school year to snap me out of it, I'm very, very glad that you came out on the other side. Maybe we can go hunt for rainbows and unicorns together?

Also, who knew that dirty laundry was so comfortable? It's seriously the perfect nesting material.

Anonymous said...

I am usually pretty invincible, and my emotions are pretty much just rock music. And I was once identified as, "Hey, aren't you that girl that has a lot of fun?" I woke up about a month ago trying to figure out why it felt like sophomore year all of a sudden, and why brushing my teeth seemed like more trouble than it was worth, and only even thought about washing my hair when my scalp started to itch. Then I dusted off a memory of my 15 year old self and realized that I was depressed. For no reason. Well, for silly reasons, but still sad. I think I second your defiance. I'm going to go brush my teeth now. Thanks. I totally needed that.

Andi. said...

Everyone here have felt that way before. Me, you, the one who posted right away... Its pretty common. You know? Maybe you know the reason why you are so deppressed. Maybe you dont want to accept it. Because theres always a reason behind our feelings. It could be anything, so stop trying to victimize yourself, and stay clear. We are not livong to feel pity, or something like that. Please, live your life, play with your dogs. Maybe what you are feeeling is frustration, or that your life is always the same. Join a group, politician, religion, sports, whatever, even social work. It helps me not to victimize myself or feel pity cause my mom died a year ago. So dont be sad.

Random Places Kids Sleep said...

The fact that you have 300 comments in 10 minutes speaks volumes. Thank you for your courage.

http://www.randomplaceskidssleep.com/

M-- said...

Finally, a way to explain depression that doesn't start with something bad happening. The depression stops when it feels like stopping and not a day sooner. Sometimes getting out of the house cures it, but sometimes it just makes it worse (You see enough cars whizzing by and you start getting ideas, and you hate yourself even more!).

If I hear one more person say "I got and I just got out and did stuff and my depression went away! You should do that!" someone is going to get a bag of quarters to the face.

ANYWAY, thank you Allie. Now I don't have to struggle to explain it, or feel like a lone freak for feeling it. <3

Kristen said...

I am so sorry that you've been going through this, Allie. I've been a fan of your blog for a long time, and I almost feel as though you're one of my friends, even if we've never met. I hope that things are getting better for you, or if nothing else, that the support of this random person on the internet you don't know can brighten your day just a little bit.

V said...

You can use my Netflix account to watch Jumanji. 'You just saw three monkeys go by on a motorcycle, didn't you?'

TobiasKazama said...

You need to watch some My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
That cures EVERYTHING!

Sara said...

I won't pretend to understand what you're been going through. But I hope you know that we, your readers, are here for you and appreciate your hilarious and often touching posts. Glad to see you're back and that you keep on renting those horror movies.

DMBY said...

This is the truth. Thank you!

Sarcasmo said...

Wow. Hope your ok now Allie! Thanks for sharing this in such an honest and witty manner :)

d4r3llo5 said...

I have never been depressed, but I have been extremely pessimistic about my self and my life. The whole totally immune to problems because my life sucks so much paradigm is totally how I exit such occasions. Glad I'm not the only one.

PS I am probably going to steal your hobo Eskimo picture. plz?

+D

L said...

Thank you for being back.

Elebuu said...

I'm so happy you posted again! I don't know that I could have put any of this about depression better myself. Seriously. I know you can beat it. :'D

Anonymous said...

You never realize how bad depression is until you're in the middle of it and curled up on the couch and your cat is licking your face because it likes the taste of salt (or maybe is just tenderizing the meat because it thinks you'll die soon and then it will feast) and you want to get up and you just... can't.

Congratulations on making it through to the other side.

Unknown said...

Wow.

Anonymous said...

This post was so fitting and the timing so perfect... I just wanted to let you know. I relate to it 100% right now... You are not alone.

Jake said...

welcome back. i missed you =]

Anonymous said...

Amazing description of a depression, i know the feeling. Welcome back!

Gigi said...

I know the feeling, Allie. Lots of hugs.

Even though this was a tough post, would it help you to know, that seeing you in my reader brought a smile to my face?

jrronimo said...

Sorry to hear you've been down, but hopefully life is improving for you. We (the collective 'we': The Internet) think you're swell!

Whitnii said...

I've been lurking this page for a long time, but never really commented until now. I know that you get tons of comments that you may never read, but...

I went through that whole depression thing as well. I went through many years of it, but was too scared of judgement to admit it, so I forced myself to seem alright. Until, last year, I totally broke. Living in that hole I'd dug for so long actually made me realize I had schizophrenia. But due to my depression, I couldn't motivate myself to get the help I needed.

And my own breaking point where I became that badass that has the emotions of a driving 80's goth rock song happened at the most random time. It happened when I was forcing myself to be happy, forcing myself to eat some french fries in a fast food restaurant with some friends, some guys form my school walked up. And simply said I was fat and ugly. And instead of crying like the depression wanted, I simply told my friends to remain sitting, and flipped them off casually while sipping at a Coke.

I'm glad you got out of the spiral quicker than I did, before it made you bitter and resentful. You are a wonderful girl, who is charmingly witty, fantastically hilarious, and, of course, very talented. I'm glad to see you're more motivated now. <3

But, you know. Take care with that 'Riding your bike with no handle bars.' I don;t think we can take another hit song.

Sara said...

This might be the most perfect explanation of depression ever. Last time I went through it, it was literally the exact same way, just woke up and felt like absolute crap. Every feeling you described was dead on. Kudos for being able to put it to words & explain it. Also, I hope you keep on being badass, but in case you fall back into the slump, you have my technological hand on your back.

Sarah said...

Nobody has ever summarized or illustrated the things I feel quite as eloquently as you do.

I see that I'm not alone (neither are you) when I read the comments.

Depression sucks, but it eventually gets better, even if it takes weeks or months or years.

Let us know how the spider touching goes.

Nadia AK said...

I'm sorry for your depression. I've spent most of my life either manic or depressed...I might be bipolar, but I think that's just the way I live my life. I go to counseling and it helps.

There's no way to explain to someone who's never been depressed how awful and deteriorating it is. You get sucked into some bizarre downward spiral before you even realize, and then you're trapped there. Don't be too proud to get help, your brain chemicals/hormones might just be out of balance and need a kick to get right again.

Funny post :)

Anonymous said...

i think this is awesome on so many levels. not the least is that it's just good to hear from you after so many months.

Beth Worden said...

Allie.... even the best most super-hero awesome women have been through this, and thankfully, like you... survived. I'm pleased to know I'm not alone... and will try to remember to skip straight to videos & skittles when I feel like the couch is my new home.

Brianne said...

At least you've reach some sort of break-through. I just turned to drugs. (anti-depressants)

Laurene said...

Been there. Know exactly how it feels to break out the other end. Uphill from here. =D eat cake. it makes everything better. and gummy bears.
ps. you're awesome

Banalhemorrhage said...

Wonderful Post! I know all these comments will cheer you up somewhat. I also crossed the vortex into the fearless realm, and it's at least better than the couch hugging part.

Name said...

Oh, my God. I just... oh my God. I was reading this and everything you said I was like "Shit, other people feel like that?" I kept reading and everything was right. I've never commented on one of your posts before, but I needed to tell you this. I've been battling with myself lately over whether it's worth it to tell anyone or get help, because I don't think I could take the "Yeah, I feel sad sometimes too. You'll get over it." Or the even worse "What happened?" Yeah, my life doesn't suck. I just feel terrible. Anyway, I really like your posts, and they have made me laugh harder than anything in years, but this one made me a different kind of happy. I was anxiously scrolling through, reading and agreeing, waiting for the end when you told me what you did to make it better so maybe I could copy you. But then it just stopped. I guess that's depression, huh? There is no easy end, but sometimes not giving a shit makes you momentarily feel better. Or, if not better, really, really hyper. I know, it happened to me at the end of last year, and I walked into my academic deans office and told her I wanted to skip my junior year of high school, and fuck my transcript, and fuck all the work I'm going to have to do, and fuck what everyone else thinks.

Being a senior sucks. And the enormous pile of clothes on my chair keeps growing, but I sit on it every morning to squish it down.

Heather said...

I am very glad you over came. This happened to me once, for almost a year. What finally brought me out of it was a Discovery Channel special on komodo dragons. I hated them so much, that it pulled me out of my apathy.I can't wait for your next post.

Anonymous said...

I've missed you a lot, and I'm glad you're back!

Oh, and incidentally...

BEST POST EVER!!! HELLZ YEAH!

Anonymous said...

I have struggled like this. Years ago a friend talked me into seeing a doctor. I take meds now. They don't prevent all of the crashes, but they do help me control them. My life is worth living now.

Anonymous said...

God damn, it's about fucking time you posted something.

And with that tiny bit of self indulgent rage over with i'm glad you're feeling better, or at the very least invincible enough to touch a spider. I'm glad i can finally stop checking for updates every day like some kind of obsessed stalker~y person.

damalsammeer said...

really glad you are still there... greets from berlin

Wog the Bugger said...

BRAVO!!!! Levity in the face of hardship. Brilliant.

Keira said...

Wow, I thought I was the only one who ever felt like this. I'm constantly getting into cycles of being depressed for no reason, but then I hate myself because I know I have it much better than many other people... ugh.

And I totally get what you mean by hoping to just wake up one day and not have any feelings. My boyfriend seems like he was able to wake up one day and just "not give a fuck" anymore, and he seemed much happier... I hated that I couldn't do the same.

I don't even want to think about it. Maybe I'll go buy a buttload of Skittles too.

Thanks for this post. It probably isn't easy to write about a part of you that's very vulnerable.

I.Am.Sam. said...

I've been there, Allie... locked in that shit hole depression that has no cause. Trying to guilt your way out of it by reminding yourself of dying puppies - which only makes you sadder because puppies are dying - then you try to focus on the people in your life who treat you like shit so you have something to be depressed about and THAT doesn't help [wonder why] so you focus on the good things in your life hoping THAT will kick your ass sufficiently but it only serves to make you feel you don't deserve any of those good things. It's a beautifully irony circle of a black downward spiral. I hate that you were buried in that shit, but I'm glad something triggered the clawing-your-way-out-of-the-pit.

If it helps, we love you.

roguemango said...

Your awesomeness is such that I'm very glad you're taken because while you may be super creepy and totally capable of finding me I own upwards of three shades of green face paint and I know how to use them!

Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

Willing yourself to not be sad is like a diabetic willing their pancreas to produce the right amount of insulin. It doesn't really work. If you have the means, find a good doctor and a good counselor. They can do wonders.

Anonymous said...

I really overidentify with your mood disorder and your adhd and I have to say, this sounds a lot like how I felt the few times I got a tiny bit of energy when I was in the worst of my depression. Just having one moment in which I didn't react hypersensitively to an incident, or in which I managed to walk down the street and look around, felt so far above where I was normally that I thought it was the turning point of my depression. It wasn't. I'd get a few things done, I'd construct a story about my recovery to tell myself. Within three days I'd be back where I was and feeling even worse because I'd somehow fucked up my recovery and failed again.

I had to go to therapy twice a week for months and it was the last thing I wanted to do every single time. There wasn't a single turning point. I couldn't have done it if my parents hadn't driven me there. But it did work, whereas pulling myself up by my bootstraps and then yelling at myself for failing never did a single thing.

Please talk to someone, if you aren't already. I have felt everything you are feeling. You are not the only person who acts like this or feels like this. It can change.

Jennifer said...

Hearing from others outside yourself when you're depressed is often not that helpful, but for what it's worth, I want to tell you two things. 1) I've been there. 2) I'm proud of you.

summer said...

oh my, this is exactly what happens to me. best post ever <3

Anonymous said...

Allie Brosh, you are freaking amazing! I can't believe how good you are at talking about something sad and still making it hilarious somehow.

You are truly an enormous inspiration. If my own words can make someone smile the way yours make me smile, my life will be complete. Honestly.

But I should still find a self-help book on life priorities, just in case.

Oh, and just a heads up (despite knowing this comment will get buried in the well-deserved endless pit of fandom)... a few years from now, we at Very Serious will purchase an island somewhere and be awesome over there. Don't be surprised if you get an e-vite to it someday, it's not spam mail.

Anonymous said...

So easy to relate to. Thanks for giving a funny and touching perspective on depression. I'm going to print this to show to the many people I work with in therapy who suffer from depression :)

Unknown said...

I was this way over the last week, and thanks for making me laugh at myself!

Steph said...

Wow, very well done. I think you hit the nail on the head with the abusive self-loathing alter-ego.

And I am glad you are on the other side of that, too. That's a sh!tty place to stay for long. Welcome back.

Crisy said...

I know u are probably getting a lot of feedback right now but I just want to say thank you, by telling your story your showing people that you can have depression yet still be a whole person with other attributes: funny, quirky, insightful, the fact you feel this way doesn't define who and what you are and what you can be! Thank you
You are so compeltely awesome and very funny..big fan!

TgardnerH said...

My feelings, in order:
1) WOW SHE UPDATED!
2) "Adventures in depression," Uh-oh, hope she's okay!
3) Wow, that was the most coherent explanation of depression I've ever seen. That's awesome
4) Really glad she's feeling okay-ish now!
5) I need to read all the comments to say something original.
6) There are a lot of comments. wow. the comments for the the first 5 minutes have completely exhausted my supply of things to say
7) Whatever, Skip to the end and say that you deserve a lot of alot hugs. Because alots, and their hugs, are awesome!

Chon said...

I wanted to laugh but I felt so sad. I hope the sun is coming out on the other side.

gypsyharper said...

I just added your blog to my RSS feed just so I could put a big ol' star on this post. I can so relate to this. Thanks for sharing!

Peio said...

I <3 you and ALL THE THINGS you do.

Violet said...

Have you ever wondered if everyone who loves you is crazy? Or maybe just all the same person commenting 1000 times?

Travelista said...

I'm so sad that you've been sad but I'm happy that you've tasted the rainbow and have told nothing to stick it. And now I needs some Skittles

Anonymous said...

You're back! We've missed you! You really are the champion of life. :)

Caitlin said...

So sorry to hear what you've been going through. Be strong, and eventually everything will get better and you'll be so glad that you stuck it out xx

Landyn said...

You know what I do when I'm depressed? I read this really amazing, funny blog written by this really amazing, funny girl. It's called Hyperbole and a Half. You should go read the story called The God Of Cake. It's fabulous and you'll laugh until boogers fly from your nose. Also, much love from this random gay boy. *hugs and junk*

Landyn

WthrGrl said...

I appreciate your openness and posting of something many people keep to themselves and I am glad you seem to be on the other side of the tunnel

For me, it wasn't wanting to watch Jumanji but it did involve movies. I was going through a pretty heavy bout of depression, working at a video store and some woman got a bee in her bonnet that I somehow purposely rented the last copy of Titanic to someone else just to screw with her. Twenty minutes she chewed me out, twice she went to my manager. Finally, at my breaking point, I told her (in more colorful words) that she was most certainly right and that it was little things like this that made me almost godlike and if she spent 1/10 the energy on important things her life might be better than complaining about not getting Titanic.

I lost my job but I found myself.

Anonymous said...

Allie I'm so glad you're feeling better, or you at least broke the cycle. All those months I kept reading those facebook posts berating you for not writing and it made me so mad - you don't owe anything to the internet. You're an author and authors take time to write and take time off and sometimes they even stop writing all together, and I cannot believe people can't deal with that. I hope you know that if your fans don't. I'm a huge fan. keep on keeping on because you just wrote a post about depression that made me smile, you are one funny lady.

Becky said...

http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2071

this made me feel better! try it!

Tanssade Taimi said...

Hope you're getting out of the depression and glad to see another post from you... I'm looking forward to the bit when I can go to the video store and not give a fuck! xoxox

That Girl said...

I haven't ever not liked one of her postings and this is a pretty spot on description of depression while still managing to be charming and not, uh, depressing.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Allie, your description of depression matches my experience exactly. I gave up and medicated my way out of it, serotonin is my life. Hope you're able to get back to the joy you bring the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to share this post with my family and friends so they can try to understand the horrible pit of despair that is Depression. Thanks for posting this. Hope you are climbing up out of the pit!!

Anonymous said...

The Alot appears to have experience with depression, perhaps he can assist you in your plight if you fall into it again.

Good to see you've recovered from what I can determine.

Anonymous said...

Glad you're back. I missed you. Hope it gets more better.

Anonymous said...

This was both sad and brilliant. May your exoskeleton last a laughtime.

francesca said...

missed you <3

x

francesca

BC from Oregon said...

*HUG* Thank you for sharing this! We've been missing you and worried about you. Hang in there. Remember the thousands who love you not just for your irony but your honesty too.

Gareth Barton said...

So sad and so beautiful. Some of us have been there Allie and as you now know: it gets better. Yeah for new posts!

Amelia said...

Well, although it makes me sad that you were sad, seeing that you posted again made me happy. So I'm happy-sad.
I have also experienced the brutal kind of self-hatred depression, and fairly recently, too, so I completely sympathize. Keep working on it, and it will get better, and remember that you are funny and smart and that you have tons of fans, all over the world! :)

Ginger said...

Hi Thank you for talking about you depression in a funny silly way, I to have a blog and write and suffer from depression I'm glad to know i'm not alone,

elessa said...

I have been through something very similar this year. My moment of invincibility came after having a dream about being hunted by a giant alligator (a la "Lake Placid"), lol!

I know it seems weird, but a phrase that really helped me get through my depression was, "sometimes it's going to suck until it just doesn't suck anymore". Some people thought that was a really grim way to look at it, but you can't "get over" the sucky stuff, you have to "get through" it!

Anyway, I hope things get less sucky very quickly! Welcome back and HUGS!

Name said...

Also, this may just be me, but I feel like the people who think you made it to the "other side" are confused. The super hyper numbess? That's not the end, it's just another part of depression. I've been going through all these phases over and over again for years, sometimes within a day.

Anonymous said...

So happy to hear you are now invincible and back to blogging. Also, I have those same boots!

shadow said...

I don't think any of your posts have made me cry before. At least other than the "oh god I'm laughing so hard it hurts" sort.

I have dysthymic depression. It's the sort that just stops at the dead, empty, sort of sad. I don't get the dramatic bursts of sad, miserable sobbing that would at least let me feel like i was legitimately depressed. Nope. I just get told to cheer up all the fucking time. Combined with generalized anxiety disorder, I wind up being the sort of person who doesn't give a shit and then worries obsessively about whether other people give a shit.

I guess there's really no reason to share this other than to say I feel ya. There's more of us out here. Don't know if thats a comfort or not.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the fearless bastards club. We touch spiders and shit on Wednesdays, in that one dark alley that no one walks down, because they aren't us, are scared.

foureyes said...

You have the incredible ability to make me sad and also laugh at the same time. Keep your head up, lady, you rock. I hope you can watch Jumanji soon!

aamr said...

What an accurate, poignant, and hilarious description of depression. Only you can make something so awful into such a great post.

But depression is the worst, I've been there too. Just know that you're stronger than you know. I'm so proud of you for fighting it and, by the sound of it, kicking its ass!

Thank you for keeping us updated, and I hope you feel better soon!

Lexie said...

Are you using the Wacom tablet more in this post? I'm really digging it!

TJ said...

HUG...depression sucks. I know first hand. Here's some links with some good info that I wish I had sooner, maybe these will help:

Awesome lecture on depression from Standford: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=support_findsupport (support groups are awesome, they are about the only people who know what you're going through, especially when there's no cause for your depression)

Cairns said...

You sweet wonderful lovely brave brilliant person. Please let me know where I should post the Jumanji DVD.

Cyndi and Stumpy said...

The Oxford and Webster's dictionary should have this listed as the definiton of depression... then maybe people would understand.

I am validated!

Ireland said...

I was so excited about this new post, I don't even know how to express it.

Having been depressed before, I can totally relate. And your story of movie-renting invincible-ness is such an Allie way to beat depression. Hooray!

Anonymous said...

This pretty much sums up the last year of my life. Thank you for showing me that I'm not the only one dealing with this shit and for giving me a way to laugh at it.

I love you, Allie.

Anonymous said...

Allie, This was an amazingly insightful and articulate post. My heart and thoughts are with you. I've missed your humor.

Caroline said...

Depression sucks, I know. It still comes back from time to time, but therapy gave me some useful knowledge to deal. Here's to feeling better :-)

Anonymous said...

Good riddance! Apathy is the best thing that can happen to you.
Hope you feel better now!

Megan Harmeyer said...

Welcome back. I don't know how you make something as serious as clinical depression freaking hilarious. Damn.

Sarah D said...

I get it. Thank you. And I'm glad you had a horror movie Skittle party for one.

Silverfaerie said...

This post was, by far, the best explanation I've ever seen of depression. All the time I wasted trying to get others to understand, and now I can just send them here.

The only thing I do know is that eventually, things do get better and start to look up. But it's so hard to remember that when you can't even figure out why you're sad.

On the upside, you are now fucking invincible! Run with it and enjoy it to the fullest! :)

Solo said...

God, it's like we live the same lives. I've been feeling the exact same way. I haven't been able to completely bust through it yet but I have been doing the exact same thing for the last few months.

This is so relate-able and I wish I was as talented as you to be able to put such a humorous spin on it.

Gabi said...

I wanted to cry and laugh and scream OH MY GOD I FELT THAT WAY ONCE all at once while reading that.
Then I realized that I was thirsty. And I want a piece of pizza.

OrigamiCage said...

You're back!

This is this most poigant part of the post for me:

But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.

I know exactly how that feels. Unforunately, I've never had any turning point like you have. I just medicated myself. BUT THAT'S STILL OKAY. As long as I still have my medication! Oh god what if I run out.

YOU ARE AWESOME.

Anonymous said...

This is perfect. I had a similar experience earlier this year, and at one point I went outside to talk with a friend and suddenly realised that if I really didn't give a shit anymore, I could be as awesome as I decided to be. and I guess slowly happiness is coming along with that. I hope things keep looking up, we've missed you after all :)

Anonymous said...

<3

Charlie Hancock said...

Depression is a bastard, and I'm glad you worked through it, and made art from it. If there's a next time (I hope there isn't) think about going to a mental health professional. Therapy (sometimes with anti-depressants) has done wonders for some of my friends & relatives; not always, but it's another tool in the kit.

Robby L. said...

HAHAH! Love the grammar in the last picture...
Ohmygosh. I've missed your posts!
You're amazing, Allie. Seriously. Jesus loves you. Lots. You're phenomenal. hahah

Kate said...

Thankyou Allie. You are incredible, I love your bittersweet humour, and you're just so talented. I hope so much that you're recovering, you deserve good things from life.

Unknown said...

This is EXACTLY what clinical depression is like. It's easier to deal with when you realize there's no reason to be sad and that it'll just go away, anyway. In other words, learning not to give a shit: it works.

MPITWD said...

Meanwhile:

you became super popular on memebase. Due to the fact that besides your often crippling self doubt, your hilarious on a celebrity/overlord level.

Heather said...

I know what it's like to live with depression. It sucks. As long as you keep fighting then you're winning. As soon as you give up you've lost, and I'm too stubborn to give up.

sara said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been going through depression, but I am SO EXCITED to see a post from you. Hope you will start posting more regularly again and that you will continue to feel better!

Sam said...

Depression IS your legitimate reason for feeling depressed. I know that sounds kind of circular, but it's true.

Wishing you all the best.

-Sam

SnapeWho said...

KICK THE ASS OF ALL THE THINGS!

El Gaucho said...

Thanks for finding some humor in an otherwise difficult topic, and kudos for dealing with it in such an open honest way - you're awesome.

Anonymous said...

I envy your invincibility. Rock on.

Pamela said...

I'm glad you're alive and posting again, even though I find this post sad. I hope that you are managing your depression - please don't let it rob you of your creativity. If you do, you'll end up like your simple dog. Sad.

oxox

KelseyCrudeBurger said...

So glad to have you back, and you are the best kind of bad ass, glad you're feeling better!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back! This is a wonderful, wonderful, superawesome post. So many people I know feel/have felt this way (myself included). It can get better, the numbness can recede, I promise.

Just remember, you are a badass with six horror movies and all of the skittles. We love you!

Kit said...

Hang in there, Allie. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I can relate to them too well. Just know that you're awesome and the world loves you and all of your fans are here for you. And stuff.

Elle Robb said...

This is an amazingly honest and inspiring post. Thank you for sharing. Now, go touch a spider! :o)

Amanda Absolutely said...

I am glad you are feeling better. As one who also suffers from debilitating bouts of depression, I understand how you feel..... or don't feel for that matter.

I hope you continue feeling better and write more. We have missed you.

Unknown said...

I'm sorry that you had to battle depression. I hope things are looking better for you now!

Stephi Dee said...

Awww :( It makes me so sad knowing I was so excited for this comment, because it turns out I was excited about you being depressed!

If it helps any, you know you're funny when your stories of sadness make people giggle instead of making people feel awkward.

PS. Keep up the badassery! Don't give any of the fucks!

Coco said...

I have nothing to add to the comments except to say that I suffer from depression too (and I also have it for no reason! Yay! Thanks, brain!) and this both made my day and made my day that little bit sadder. Good feeling overall. And I think tomorrow I'll get round to watching "The Exorcist" at last and eat a fuckload of Skittles. :)

And Allie, always know that literally the entire internet loves you (and I creepily include myself in that number, having just been on an archive binge of the blog :D) and finds you hilarious. Keep on rockin'. :)

Amber K said...

This is soo relatable. There's nothing more annoying than feeling depressed and then feeling dumb for feeling depressed for no reason. Which just perpetuates the cycle.

Chris said...

You nailed it.. exactly what I've been through, every single part. Depressed for years with no "proper" reason, got through the days using escapism mostly. Kept bringing myself down all the time.

Even your final picture fits me perfectly - the day the realization came that I don't feel anymore, that I really didn't give a damn what happens to me. It changed everything.

A year later, I still have some issues with repressed feelings, but they're slowly returning.

Kavey said...

I now feel strangely prescient.

Last night, at exactly half past midnight, here in London, England I was catching up on my RSS feed when I suddenly stopped and whispered (to myself, because no one else was even in the room, so not sure why I whispered rather than spoke out loud, or in my head even), "hey, oh my god, where's hyperbole, where's she gone, fucking hell, have I lost the RSS feed, have I been missing everything, oh my god". And whilst I was muttering away, I opened a new window and surfed the old fashioned way to hyperbole and a half, only to find that, no, there had been no new fabulousness since the last one I remembered.

And I slunk away, feeling sad.

And somehow, you clambered out of your funk, it seems like that was especially for me, and that makes me smile.

Glad you're feeling OK.

x

Amber M. said...

Allie! You are wonderful! And I've always been a fan of your art and writing, but this post is just pure gold!

I have had this battle many many times. It totally gets better - so long as you stay away from the damn medication..I've watched many people just get worse on that stuff. This post alone will go on to help so many people! Thank you so much for sharing!!

I'm printing this piece out and taping it on my wall. If you ever decide to fancy up this post and sell it as a series of artwork, you can bet I'll be the first to purchase.

Erica said...

Thanks for sharing what you've been going through. *hugs*

Hilma Olson said...

...could be gluten...it happened to me...

Anonymous said...

I agree with you: fuck fear.

Welcome back!

-Matthew

Tassie Squid said...

Thank you. That blog just totally sums up all the feelings of being depressed and I can totally relate.

I'm glad you are on the road of recovery. *hugs*

Love This Space said...

Aw honey, I'm so glad you are climbing out the other side of this.

You may have gotten treatment and just didn't post all that (because it is private and you don't have to share everything with us) but just a reminder to you and all that have posted similar experiences with depression; it is a medical condition. Never hesitate to get help. If I can't will away high blood pressure, y'all won't will away depression.

We loves you and want you to be happy and have clean clothes.

hierophanta said...

when i opened the new post (yay!) there were no comments. now there are 520 and this is making depressed. please make it stop.

Chloe said...

You're alive!!! And I hope not to depressed. If you are, medication works wonders? I dunno. I'm not depressed. That I'm aware of.

Mich said...

That paralyzing out-of-nowhere depression-funk is the worst. I hope you're feeling better! I missed your posts. <3

Chelsea said...

It's so good to see you on the internet. Claw your way back to the light, girl!

An aside to depression - FUCK YOU. Leave Allie alone, leave me alone, leave everyone the hell alone and go die in the hole you dug for us.

hadra777 said...

I love Skittles and I love your work. Thanks for being so bravely honest, for nailing what so many people feel (and actually, me, today of all days and there was your post...). Welcome back, I've been missing your posts!

Keith said...

Hey,
as a Male, who dealt with depression and self-mutilation and the like, I totally understand what you went through. Hang in there!

PS, this is my first comment, I've always liked your comics and such, but never really commented on them.
Your great.

Chris W. said...

Brilliant!! Sad... Funny!! You nailed it.

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE MY HERO ALLIE

Eidolon said...

This behavior pattern is basically how I got through my 20s.

...

Okay, it's kind of my default mode even in my 30s.

Where I lack the motivation to go DO stuff, I just evolved a knack for winding up my own neuroses, strapping them to my back, and using them to propel me towards stuff that I know needs to get done.

Also, hurray for new post! You are good at banishing the sads for a lot of people. Hopefully the comments you get will cheer you up as well! Best of luck with the book.

lucy said...

I read this while bawling because this is exactly how I feel, but then you still managed to make me laugh. It sucks that you feel like this, too, but I'm glad you were able to draw it, and get some skittles. You are awesome.

Lisa said...

I really hope you're able to find some help because you deserve it. I really like your posts.

Anonymous said...

Look to the Lord Allie - what is there to lose?

Anonymous said...

So glad you came out the other side with a sense of righteousness and power! :-) Welcome back to the world, we have all missed you tremendously. The road away from depression is a journey, indeed.

stillquirky said...

Wow, that's... EXACTLY how it goes. *e-five for accuracy*

Although instead of watching horror movies, I used my new-found lack of feeling shy, embarassed, inadequate, etc. to audition for plays. And being cast as 2 little boys, 4 men, and a butch girl didn't even phase me. >:)

Anyway, you are brilliant! I'm so happy you blogged! Hopefully we hear from you again soon~

Little Lucy said...

So amusingly (maybe?) I read your new post while lying in bed wallowing in self pity because I'm recovering from major surgery, going through a divorce, and I'm piss poor broke. But I'm out of bed now. Because I said, "fuck this, if Allie can do it so can I." And I had to pee...there's that too. But no, really thank you. I'm going through what's probably the most miserable slump I've ever been in in my life and this made me smile. I'm totally on board if you want someone to poke spiders with.

EthanG said...

Best post ever. I haven't read any of your other ones, I just mean best post in any blog ever.

hehe.. Actually this is kinda the story of my life.

Kate said...

Next time I feel this way I'm totally going to be all, "I'M AN EXOSKELETON BITCHES!" and that makes me feel kind of better. A lot.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this, and I'm SO GLAD you're posting again! :) I've suffered from depression, so this is completely relate-able, especially the sudden apathy attack that leaves the washing (and the dishes) sitting half way to the destination.

*massive hugs from a stranger* It will get better, honestly. Just take it slowly, and let yourself feel whatever you're feeling (or not feeling), you're allowed.

Payton E said...

I battled depression for 4 years before I finally asked for help. This is really inspiring in a weird sort of way. I'm so glad you're feeling alot better and I hope that your alot is feeling you better too. (:

Liz said...

Thanks for the post, Allie. I have comorbid diagnoses of ADHD, depression, and anxiety, and your post was a perfect description of what clinical depression feels like. Thanks again, and don't forget what immense talent you have.

Tri said...

What you've been going through for months on end sounds so crazy-difficult. I hope you are safely on the other side of it, because you're brilliant, and you make a lot of people laugh. I hope knowing that makes you feel a little bit happy. <3

Bambi said...

I just wanted to say "thank you". I want to share this with the world and scream, "THIS!!!! THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!!!!!"

It's great to see you back. =D

Anonymous said...

Sure you don't have Bipolar and you just cycled...

francis said...

Allie! I missed you and your blog! You gave that depression the ass-kicking it deserved!

Glen Jordan Spangler said...

Hope you still feel invincible or at least not miserable. Protein at breakfast helps me sometimes. And a walk outside right after breakfast. And a therapy session once a week. Oh, and 250 mg. of Effexor daily.

qubodup said...

and then you fell of the bike

Katia said...

Amazing. I love this and can totally relate to it. Yay. You are Batman.

Happy you are back.

allyx.kelley said...

I'm glad you broke through.

Leigh said...

Yep. That's exactly what depression is like. When I was at the most depressed, the only way I knew I was still a good person was because I knew my best friend was a good person...and she still liked me.

I don't know if you are on or have considered antidepressants, but they are a good thing when handled responsibly. Depression is an illness as much as cancer is, and it should be treated as such. Proper treatment of the illness isn't the same for everyone, but there are many tools that you (and your doctor, therapist, etc.) can utilize to combat it.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetheart, I hope you are feeling better. You are very special!

Anonymous said...

Missed you Allie. Depression is awful, but way to go making it your bitch at the end! You're beyond awesome.

Unknown said...

Oh my gosh, I am SO glad you're back!!!!!! I understand what you mean with this post. Sometimes I'm sad or ticked off for no reason. Other times I have a reason, but then I feel guilty because there are people out there whose problems are worse than mine. Which just makes me feel WORSE! Vicious cycle.

Glad to see you rode a bike! I remember your bike post from when you were a kid. You really are invincible now! :)

Hope all is going well with the book!

~ Angela
grahamandangela.blogspot.com

GJonsie said...

Allie, I've totally been through this cycle a number of times. At least once a year, so I know how it goes. I'm glad you've broken through! You're super awesome and I love your posts. They're super inspirational to me because I want to write in that nebulous land called "someday"—which I imagine is filled with rainbows and unicorns and motivation to spare. It is in some weird, grotesque way encouraging that there are difficult times because when I go through them, I won't feel like such a loser. Peace to you!

Rodolfo Piskorski said...

I was going to say that you do NOT have depression if you want to watch Jumanji. Usually depressed people don't WANT anything. I was going to say you had only what I like to call "anguish", and which can sometimes be much worse than depression.

But by the end of the post, I'm thinking you may be bipolar. Hope you can get back on your feet and finish the book! =D

Shirley Ewe-Jest said...

It's impressive that you can still be this funny while depressed. Also... I was also hit with a sudden, unexplainable depression earlier in my life and it spiraled down and down and down and finally the only thing that helped was Prozac. In hindsight, I'm thinking it was some kind of chemical imbalance, because I was relatively fine before and after. So if you don't REALLY get better, get help. Look how many people like you! :)

carol said...

Most Awesome Depression Story Ever

Anonymous said...

As someone who goes through bouts of pretty crippling depression, this completely made my day. Thank you! :)

Jessika said...

I'm so glad you found your way through this and kudos on the bravery/heart it took to post such a personal story. Thank you for sharing with your fans!

Agent R said...

I'm glad you're feeling better, Allie. *hugs* Depression sucks. (Had it off and on for over five years)

Keep pushing forward! (And if you need a stranger with no life to talk to, I'm all ears.)

<3
Agent R

Charity said...

I felt this way when I realized that I forgot how to ride a bike. I curled into a corner in the laundry room and cried, because I am a baby. Also, this post is legendary.

Kel said...

After going through a spell exactly like this, all I can say is: /hugs

Anonymous said...

I have suffered from depression on and off since I was a teenager: EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID IS TRUE! and absolutely, wonderfully, beautifully hilarious! thank you so much for posting. Your absolute honesty is part of what makes you so funny. I hope you feel much better now.

Anonymous said...

I have suffered from depression on and off since I was a teenager: EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID IS TRUE! and absolutely, wonderfully, beautifully hilarious! thank you so much for posting. Your absolute honesty is part of what makes you so funny. I hope you feel much better now.

FancyPantsless said...

Thank goodness you are back!
My friends and I have totes missed you.

Filipa said...

I have been the exact same way in the past months
you're not alone in this no reason depressive mode where I don't do a thing and complain to myself for being this way and I still am sitting here on my bed with my laptop 24/7

CarrieW said...

I find your epiphanies and conclusions far more relatable than any Hollywood movie.

Ezra said...

As someone who suffers from depression, I thought this was brilliant. It's always so funny the things that'll snap one out of it.

NV said...

Scary how funny yet accurate this is. That first picture of you in bed with the sun coming up, that's me everyday. Thanks for sharing.

K2 said...

Your artwork is amazing. I love how deceptively simple it is,yet it so perfectly conveys complex feelings. The was very moving.And funny. You are a true genius,and I love every single thing you do. Keep fighting those demons...

Portia said...

My son had a serious case of depression when he was in college so I know where you're coming from. I am glad you're OK and coming through it! We all missed you! Hugs

Anonymous said...

One of the big pharmaceutical companies should hire you on the spot and turn this blog into their next anti-depressant campaign (much better than those creepy wind-up doll ads). As someone who's been there, I understand completely -- it sucks, but it does get better.

Josh Bodner said...

Have I ever mentioned how much I totally freaking love you?

Tanya said...

Glad your back. Depression is a scary thing and you don't have to face it alone, I hope you know that. ((hugs))

Allison said...

I've had that kind of sadness. It just goes on and on. It's like a monster under your bed with a direct connection to your brain, able to taunt you and insult you and demotivate you from anywhere.

You are the shit. Way to break the connection.

Libby said...

THANK YOU! I was so happy to see a new Hyperbole post today! I've been in the same place, and you described it perfectly. I'm going to bookmark this post and read it when I'm having a low day and need inspiration.

Ryan said...

Depression sucks. Thanks for sharing, though. It made me feel better about mine, and it appears I'm not the only one who feels this way. Take care.

Anonymous said...

thank you for making me feel not so alone. Sometimes I feel dead inside too...

Anonymous said...

This post just totally rocked my world!

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