The God of Cake

My mom baked the most fantastic cake for my grandfather's 73rd birthday party. The cake was slathered in impossibly thick frosting and topped with an assortment of delightful creatures which my mom crafted out of mini-marshmallows and toothpicks.  To a four-year-old child, it was a thing of wonder - half toy, half cake and all glorious possibility.


But my mom knew that it was extremely important to keep the cake away from me because she knew that if I was allowed even a tiny amount of sugar, not only would I become intensely hyperactive, but the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar.  My need for sugar would become so massive, that it would collapse in upon itself and create a vacuum into which even more sugar would be drawn until all the world had been stripped of sweetness.  


So when I managed to climb onto the counter and grab a handful of cake while my mom's back was turned, an irreversible chain reaction was set into motion.   


I had tasted cake and there was no going back.  My tiny body had morphed into a writhing mass of pure tenacity encased in a layer of desperation.  I would eat all of the cake or I would evaporate from the sheer power of my desire to eat it. 

My mom had prepared the cake early in the day to get the task out of the way.  She thought she was being efficient, but really she had only ensured that she would be forced to spend the whole day protecting the cake from my all-encompassing need to eat it.  I followed her around doggedly, hoping that she would set the cake down - just for a moment.  

 

My mom quickly tired of having to hold the cake out of my reach. She tried to hide the cake, but I found it almost immediately. She tried putting the cake on top of the refrigerator, but my freakish climbing abilities soon proved it to be an unsatisfactory solution.


Her next attempt at cake security involved putting the cake in the refrigerator and then placing a very heavy box in front of the refrigerator's door.  


The box was far too heavy for me to move.  When I discovered that I couldn't move the box, I decided that the next best strategy would be to dramatically throw my body against it until my mom was forced to move it or allow me to destroy myself.  


Surprisingly, this tactic did not garner much sympathy. 


I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it.  


I had to stay focused. 

I played vengefully for the rest of the afternoon. All of my toys died horrible deaths at least once. But I never lost sight of my goal.

My mom finally came to get me. She handed me a dress and told me to put it on because we were leaving for the party soon. I put the dress on backwards just to make her life slightly more difficult.

I was herded into the car and strapped securely into my car seat.  As if to taunt me, my mom placed the cake in the passenger seat, just out of my reach.  


We arrived at my grandparents' house and I was immediately accosted by my doting grandmother while my mom walked away holding the cake.  


I could see my mom and the cake disappearing into the hallway as I watched helplessly.  I struggled against my grandmother's loving embrace, but my efforts were futile.  I heard the sound of a door shutting and then a lock sliding into place.  My mom had locked the cake in the back bedroom.  How was I going to get to it now?  I hadn't yet learned the art of lock-picking and I wasn't nearly strong enough to kick the door in.  It felt as though all my life's aspirations were slipping away from me in a landslide of tragedy.  How could they do this to me?  How could they just sit there placidly as my reason for living slowly faded from my grasp?  I couldn't take it.  My little mind began to crumble.  

And then, right there in my grandmother's arms, I lapsed into a full-scale psychological meltdown. My collective frustrations burst forth from my tiny body like bees from a nest that had just been pelted with a rock.  


It was unanimously decided that I would need to go play outside until I was able to regain my composure and stop yelling and punching.  I was banished to the patio where I stood peering dolefully through the sliding glass door, trying to look as pitiful as possible.


I knew the cake was locked securely in the bedroom, but if I could just get them to let me inside... maybe.  Maybe I could find a way to get to it.  After all, desperation breeds ingenuity.  I could possibly build an explosive device or some sort of pulley system.  I had to try.  But at that point, my only real option was to manipulate their emotions so they'd pity me and willfully allow me to get closer to the cake. 

When my theatrics failed to produce the desired results, I resorted to crying very loudly, right up against the glass.  


I carried on in that fashion until my mom poked her head outside and, instead of taking pity on me and warmly inviting me back inside as I had hoped, told me to go play in the side yard because I was fogging up the glass and my inconsolable sobbing was upsetting my grandmother.  

I trudged around to the side of the house, glaring reproachfully over my shoulder and thinking about how sorry my mom would be if I were to die out there.  She'd wish she would have listened. She'd wish she had given me a piece of cake.  But it would be too late.  


But as I rounded the corner, the personal tragedy I was constructing in my imagination was interrupted by a sliver of hope.  


Just above my head, there was a window.  On the other side of that particular window was the room in which my mom  had locked the cake.  The window was open.


The window was covered by a screen, but my dad had shown me how to remove a screen as a preemptive safety measure in case I was  trapped in a fire and he couldn't get to me and I turned out to be too stupid to figure out how to kick in a screen to escape death by burning. 

I clambered up the side of the house and pushed the screen with all my strength.   


It gave way, and suddenly there I was - mere feet from the cake, unimpeded by even a single obstacle.


I couldn't fully believe what had just occurred.  I crept slowly - reverently - toward the cake, my body quivering with anticipation.  It was mine.  All mine.


I ate the entire cake.  At one point, I remember becoming aware of the oppressive fullness building inside of me, but I kept eating out of a combination of spite and stubbornness.  No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake - not my mom, not Santa, not God - no one.  I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased.  It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves. 

..

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, my mother suddenly noticed that she hadn't heard my tortured sobbing in a while.  


She became concerned because it was unusual for my tantrums to stop on their own like that, so she went looking for me.

When she couldn't find me anywhere, she finally thought to unlock the bedroom door and peek inside. 


And there I was.


I spent the rest of the evening in a hyperglycemic fit, alternately running around like a maniac and regurgitating the multi-colored remains of my conquest all over my grandparents' carpet.  I was so miserable, but my suffering was small compared to the satisfaction I felt every time my horrible, conniving mother had to watch me retch up another rainbow of sweet, semi-digested success: this is for you, mom.  This is what happens when you try to get between me and cake - I silently challenged her to try again to prevent me from obtaining something I wanted.  Just once.  Just to see what would happen.  It didn't matter how violently ill I felt, in that moment, I was a god - the god of cake - and I was unstoppable. 

1,145 comments:

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Mary said...

I know it's not very creative for me to say yet again that you're awesome and make me laugh SO hard... but I guess one can't hear of their own awesomeness too much :) The stories about you as a kid give me the best mix of the perspective from when I was a little wild girl and the perspective of being mom to a wild little boy (now a grown up himself... so I'm probably your mom's age!), and then there is the just plain hilarious laughter over your style and pictures! Thank you thank you!!

Anonymous said...

Now Allie, don't get me wrong. This is absolutely hilarious. I'm still grinning. But have you betrayed pie?

Unknown said...

hilarious and fantastic.

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a little shit you were. Your poor mother.

Jimh. said...

I love the way you do these!! thank you!!

chimera.etsy said...

I laughed so hard my stomach was hurting. You sure have a way of telling a story! This was my first time on your blog and I am sure that I will not sleep until I have read it all lol! Thank you! My daughter now wants a "Cake is the only thing that matters" t-shirt!

Unknown said...

It's funny how I've experienced some of the concepts in this post, like trying to be pitiful, or thinking how my parents would be sorry if I died due to their not giving me what I wanted.

But eating an entire cake? Dang. In the words of Jim Gaffigan, "You entire an entire pizza and they'll think 'wow, you were hungry' but if you eat an entire cake they'll think 'you've got a problem.'"

OCCA Survivor said...

Brilliance once again! And a fabulous read! I was the opposite of you; did as I was told, compliant... until 5th grade. Then, as my father says, "It's like she just snapped."

I concur with previous posts: a cake shirt would be fabulous.

blahblahblah said...

one word. epic! :D

Tadpole said...

First time commenting! You never disappoint, this was absolutely hilarious.

I have to say I really admire your poor sainted mother. She must be an amazing woman!

David Hagerty said...

Why is it that, for the little kids, the main focus of any family gathering is cake? Is it the unadulterated sugar? Is it the frosting? Is it the relatively rare occurrences of cake in everyday life? Or a combination of all these and more?

Erin said...

Hilarious! I feel like everyone has a cake story like this. Mine had to do with my mother, who was a first grade teacher, and her m&m jar, the contents of which I weirdly devoured when she was in a teacher's meeting and then later regretted. sighh. the moms should have known better. it's just what happens when you try to get between a little girl and her sweets.

Anonymous said...

That was just amazing.

Well done.

AllyRose said...

New post! :) :) :) :) :)
CAKE!
*runs off to find cake*
*comes back with cupcake*
No really I actually have a cupcake! It has green icing and sprinkles and it tastes like uncooked meringue goop. I only have it because you made me want cake. So it's all your fault if I'm short on rent this week because I had to buy a cupcake.

In all seriousness (which is hard for me) you make me laugh. Like all the time. Which is good. But not so good when I'm sitting in my university library the week a whole lot of assignments are due and I start laughing and the librarian threatens to kick me out.

Until next time (which better not be as long as this time...), I bid thee farewell!

Unknown said...

Another hilarious post!!

Think my parents would disapprove if I pulled this stunt at their upcoming 25th wedding anniversary party? haha

Anonymous said...

The fogged up glass door is what got me.

MsShanadair said...

I used to be exactly like that about anything baked,especially if it had frosting. My love of all things baked and sweet led me to buying a ton of books and teaching myself how to make all things sweet, from simple sugar cookies to frou frou fancy decorated cakes. After years of baking and tasting I can honestly say.....I still crave it all like mad!! CAKE!! FROSTING!!! SUGAR!!! AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

oh_fer_the_love said...

I don't think I can express how glad I am to know that someone on this planet understands my addiction to cake. for reals.

Unknown said...

This reminds me of the time I snuck a package of Oreos when I was about four or so. I'm not sure how many I ate but I suspect it was the entire package.

I suspect this because, after a scene she describes as something out of The Exorcist, my mom was soon scrubbing black projectile vomit from the walls.

jkp said...

My mother, to this day, will not leave a baked good unattended in my presence.

Mmmm...caaaakkeee.

Unknown said...

boat

Stacy Q said...

FAB U LOS!
Your stories and drawings are the highlight of my... whatever time frame passed since the last time you posted.

Gina said...

uhmmmmmmmmmmmm.....were you following me around my entire childhood? yeesh! creepy!

Tim Castle said...

It's like I always say: "Never get between a fat boy and the buffet table."

I'm usually the fat boy in question.

Lark said...

This is the funniest thing since the pain chart. My husband kept looking at me going, "Are you ok?" I was laughing so hard.

You better bake your mom a cake for Mother's Day, that's for damn sure.

And thank you for not illustrating the regurgitation. I was worried you were going to.

Anonymous said...

Another masterpiece, Allie! My whole face hurts from laughing and snorting. I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

I totally hate cake, I'm like, an abnormal human who has an aversion to sweets, but this blog is hilarious!

Carol said...

Ah! I just thought... That's ALOT of cake!

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. I can't believe your mother never gave you up for adoption. XD

Seriously though. I bet the cake was even more gorgeous than you already made it look (which is no easy feat when all you have is MSPaint).

Btw, I've officially read your entire blog. Thank you for existing. Good day.

Stephanie and her sort of funny blog (totally inspired by Allie) said...

I SWEAR.TO.DOG Allie, I have been stalking your blog minute by minute and somehow I missed this new post when it was super duper fresh.

I feel so uncool and out of the loop... but YAYYYY! Love to see a new post.

I hope you know how awesome you are.
I really really want cake and can't have any though. So I suppose you are kind of mean, too.

Just kidding. How did Bend go? And NY?

S

Sarah G said...

Today's my birthday, and as I was checking for a new post I actually thought, "what if Allie put up a new post today? It would be such an amazing birthday present!" and you DID! Thanks! :)

Anonymouse said...

OH MY God. I want this entire post on a teeshirt. And mug. And tattooed onto my cat's face.

The pictures were the best you've ever done on here. I love them all so much, so awesome.

And now I really want some cake.

Claudia Donnet said...

This describes so well the way my son --almost 4-- is challenging me lately with his wants and his tenacity to persist pursuing some things... Cake or toys, usually. Laughed a lot about the part with the refrigerator, because it's so typical. The show of climbing abilities is quite familiar to me! Thank you! I usually give in well before your mom though, well, more than giving in, I try to compromise... but I confront the unstoppable will power that you describe in this story :-)

Solo said...

I'm also very interested to know what your Grandfather said...

Bullygirl said...

OMG This is the BEST!! I laughed so hard that I cried!! Thank you :D

Anonymous said...

My favorite is that you put your dress on backwards to make HER life difficult. bahahhaaa. I love you, you are amazing.

quiltzyx said...

Oh Allie! It was definitely worth the wait. Thank you soooo much!

Unknown said...

I'm terribly sorry if this is a double post.

I must say, Allie, that I can't recall ever laughing as hard as I have just now reading this particular blog. You are far superior in intellect than most people, and are a master of words. You know how to arrange words, phrases, and pictures so that when we read your blogs, not matter how long they are, we laugh uncontrollable and cannot stop. I really don't know if you even intend it to be as well written and formatted as it is. For all I know, this all comes naturally. Heck, your writing, for you, may just be mere happenstance, and I may just be trying to perceive it as having extreme depth. Other peoples' blogs sound too contrived and try to sound intelligent. Your blog, is superior. I think of all the internet sensations out there, most of whom don't even deserve their popularity, I would definitely want to meet you. You seem down to earth, able to hold an interesting conversation, and downright hilarious. I don't even know where I'm going with this message, however, I just thought I'd inform you that you made my night -considering up to this point, it sucked.- (long story short, I have to write, and have been trying to write 17, page-long analyses on the assigned poetry. This is all due tomorrow) Your knack for writing would be tremendously useful right now. Sorry for the supremely long letter.

Unknown said...

Man, you just reminded me why I'm happily sterilized without kids -- and I think being spanked with Mom's wooden spoon kept me from way too much fun mayhem. (Hard to become the God of Cake when one knows it will quickly lead to being the God of Severely Painful Buttocks.)

Mich said...

Your posts are HYSTERICAL!!! I loved this one. :D

Anonymous said...

It took me so long to scroll to the bottom of the comments that I forgot what I was going to say. Probably something about cake. Or Meth. Most likely something about Cake-meth. Either way it would have been golden. I'm glad you're so popular, but it's seriously impeding my funny bone here.

Emily said...

I am certainly NOT anonymous, I simply hit enter instead of shift.

Anonymous said...

The cake is so beautiful. I can see why you couldn't stop thinking about it. Why though did you change your child self's hair? Earlier posts have hair on top of the head and two little side pony tails. Why just the tiny triangle of hair? Not as cute.

Mike said...

"No one could tell me not to eat an entire cake - not my mom, not Santa, not God - no one. I would eat cake whenever I damn well pleased. It was my cake and everyone else could go fuck themselves."
I love this part — it really brings home how intense your cake lust was.

SantaMonicaDee said...

My side hurts from laughing, but don't stop. Although, I do want to send flowers to your mother...

Jeff Moore said...

I am with Liz. I keep thinking that it cannot get better but IT ALWAYS DOES! I am in awe.

Jenny said...

LMFAOOOO that was awesome.

Unknown said...

The face! You playing (torturing) with your toys. That face is classic! Love your work.

Anonymous said...

I liked this blog entry but I got distracted by your comments page; I saw a lot of generic Allie Brosh Blogs and I'm stunned. Is this the trend? Comics & blogging? Or is everyone copying you?

Brooke said...

Omg! this is so my child hood! Allie you're so effin funny! this just made my day even better! :)

Michelle Glauser said...

Multicolored barfing. Sounds fabulous. :D

Tab said...

Wow. I can't believe you could eat an entire cake at age 4. I was that age when I remember hearing that my family had Native American blood on both sides, so I figured I cold be quiet and stealthy like an indian in a western, so I would sneak into the kitchen, climb the counters, and steal cookies. I thought I was awesome at how quiet I could be, but I don't think I ever considered eating the whole jar of cookies. Props.

megexpat said...

Wow, you were a very naughty little one and in need of some Ritalin, most likely. Glad to know that out of those obnoxious childhood tantrums,there are hilarious stories to be told. I feel (retroactively) bad for your poor mom, hahaha. The blurry drawings were the best part!

Just me and the dog said...

So glad you're back Allie. I've been missing your post. Keep checking your facebook for signs of life. Did you find an appartment in Bend? Why are you moving?

Loved the cake story! When I was a teenager my parents had foster children, and one of them was a little girl, about 6 years old who would get totally hyperactive when she had sugar. I love your graghic description!

bunnyish said...

we need more h&h D:

Lalaine said...

So when I saw that there was a new post I yelled out in triumph. As if it was some sort of personal achievement of mine to discover that you had written a new blog post. So yeah. Thanks for helping me achieve great things, Allie.

Also haha. I did the same thing with ice cream. Lactose intolerant, baby, but no way was I letting that get in the way of a chance to consume copious amounts of frozen dairy delights and spend the night alternately barfing and pooing my guts out.

That was probably some gross imagery.

Sorry.

Nicole Leigh Shaw said...

I know 456 (million) people have already said so, but I couldn't help adding, "Love it."

TwistedGecko said...

A+(x infinity), both my husband and I were in tears reading this. You win, Allie. You win internets yet again.

Anonymous said...

Your facial expressions as a child are eerily similar to mine.
Also, the bit about you throwing yourself against the heavy box, I did a similar thing. I used to throw tantrums and bang my head against the floor. I also received little to no sympathies. It probably explains why I am the way I am now. :]

Mark said...

I get that this is maybe some form of heresy, but good as cake is, there is nothing in this world to match muffins! I AM THE MUFFIN MAN! FEED ME!!!

Lai said...

Your drawings are the best! Having tried to merely put happy faces over the faces in my photos, I totally bow to your skills.

Lai
http://newyorkprism.blogspot.com

Jeremy said...

Wept, wept, wept with laughter

Star said...

Too hysterically funny...and I *adore* your well-placed drawings, which help pull the reader along through the text (a testament to your ability...I actually do read it all; if other blogs have long texts, I'm outta there). Thanks for the much needed laugh and smile.

Ashley Rose said...

haha yeah.... I ate all of my aunt's jelly beans once.

<3 welcome back!

Arlene said...

Oh man did you get in serious trouble after that or did your mom take pity on her sick child? Lol I so would have been spanked.

Unknown said...

Just caught up. You, madam, are hilarious. Your drawings work seamlessly with your writing style, and the whole package leaves me smiling, if not rofling, every time. As a fellow Grammar Nazi, I love the Alot a lot, and as a dog-lover, I really liked your dog post. As for this post, "I struggled against my grandmother's loving embrace, but my efforts were futile." Awesome. Also, I love this panel: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/TLTvu9DLvVI/AAAAAAAAD8w/dAbgy99PIfU/s1600/marsh
mallow2(alternate)2cake.png
Look forward to your next post!

Jimmy said...

Your actually the greatest person in the world. I am the same around CAKE!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations; you're brilliant.

Anonymous said...

WHERE DO YOU GET LARGE COLORED MARSHMALLOWS?!

Unknown said...

I feel the same way about Haribo gummy bears.

Deb H said...

"Cake is the only thing that matters" should be your next shirt....out of focus sketch and all! It's just awesome and super funny. :)

Earl said...

Laughing...

...too...

...hard...

...can't...

...breathe.

Anonymous said...

OMGGGG!! SOOO fun to read!!! HAHAHA!! Im dyyying here!

Greg M said...

The wordless panels illustrating you & your mom's reactions--like in the last entry, "The Party,"--are cinematic. They're like something out of a Sergio Leone movie (an influence?) It's amazing. I never get tired of those moments.

I hope you write a book. I would buy it in hardcover. Twice.

Anonymous said...

Oh jesus, your poor mother.


DEVIL CHILD
DEVIL CHILD.

makes a funny story though

Jesse said...

You make me smile. I've spent the past two days obsessively reading your archives when I had a spare moment. Keep being wonderful :)

Kimber said...

i love girl comic-er/bloggers, because i am one, and therefore we share a kinship. except your comic is actually funny.

my three year old is severely handicapped. the other day he asked to go to.. are you ready for this.. the "parp".

you are the sole cause of the hell i will suffer upon my demise as i made my son wait while i flailed around, laughing hysterically, until another adult came along and thought i was an epileptic.

i still love you.

pauliswood said...

....the entire scope of my existence would funnel down to the singular goal of obtaining and ingesting more sugar....

Ah, I remember that. Good times.

Hannah said...

I was reading this post (the first of yours I've read) on the tram, my shopping bag full of yummy vegetables and I was chuckling away thinking no, no I don't need cake.

Just then, a group of teenage girls got on the tram, in school uniform all giggly and annoying - one of them had a plate of cake.

I had the overwhelming urge to employ classic misdirection and replace her cake with my broccoli - is that wrong?

Anonymous said...

Oh how I love thee.

jen said...

Hey Allie, after having read in an enormous frenzy ALL of your posts in a week or so (instead of working like I should), I've been waiting for a new post for what felt like forever. And, just as everybody else said, it was totally worth it!!! I adore your blog, it is so inspiring and the world a less grey place. Thank you so much!!

Unknown said...

please, PLEASE make the "sliver of hope" rainbow panel available as a tshirt!

dagmar said...

You, ma'am, are hilarious.

carolinagirl79 said...

Parenthood is awesome because you get to go to parties and eat cake. And my younger daughter hated cake. I would stand close to her and when the kiddies slices were passed around I would immediately grab her slice and gobble it down. Srsly.

Olya said...

I love you.

Morgan said...

wow you get a lot of comments!
i ran for cake once and now whenever i call someone a fatty (in jest) i am reminded of this one occasion. I LOVE CAKE!

Satan said...

you definitely win the entire internet.

Marion said...

This is a deeply frightening story.

Caitlin said...

I think this is one of the best stories I have ever read.

The Darkmage said...

"I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it." and the accompanying picture very nearly made me spit my coffee all over my computer.

Well worth the wait!

Cole said...

"I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it. "

Hahahah

jacksofbuxton said...

mmmm cake.

Feeling peckish now.

Flippin healthy eating regime..*shakes fist*

Kristen said...

It's always so hard to get to the end of your posts because the tears of laughter make it impossible to see. Thank you.

Laura said...

That was hilaros, never stop making me laug aliie!

KC said...

And as I wipe away my tears from laughing, I am left but with one question....

What happened to the tooth picks?

Jaya said...

This was awesome!
So funny and I love the pics!

Jax said...

I love little fatty Allie after the cake massacre/consumption!!

Anonymous said...

I cant believe that is even possible for a small child to accomplish. When I was little, it was certainly a feat to eat a box of oreos or a bag of chips, but A FREAKING CAKE!?!

Jeez. You are a trooper. I don't really even like cake that much. But apparently, you had a childhood addiction... This story seriously kept me thinking "Wow... was that cake made of METH!??" Your pictures made me believe it was. The Blur use was excellent. But it did make you seem like a crazy meth head! :D

Cant wait for your next post!

Russell Holloway said...

The after cake picture is the funniest. I can't believe you took down the whole thing; that is awesome!

Unknown said...

I always find it strange how every single time I read your blog, I find myself going OMG MY CHILDHOOD! Right down to the ADHD detail, lol.

C.J Ellis said...

The fact that you got that goddamn cake in the end restores my faith in human endeavour.

Brittney said...

AWESOME!

Jehan said...

Allie you're a genius!! Thanks so much for this entire site :)

Desert Islander said...

Holy moly! This post is so full of epic, win, and all that other stuff that kicks serious ass!! Thank you for the funnies, I'm always looking forward to something new!

Unknown said...

hail the god of cake.

Jasmine said...

awesome!

I cant wait for my hubs to read it, i just KNOW he will fall on the ground laughing :)

Jostling said...

You are a brat.

Kenneth Mark Hoover said...

That was absolutely awesome. Thanks for sharing!

Nova said...

Love IT! This is hilarious because I posted an: "Ode to Cake" ton my blog a few days ago!


www.anecdotalirony.blogspot.com

Delcat said...

According to the Internet, an average slice of white cake with frosting yields about 250 calories. Supposing that an average cake yields about 8-10 pieces, that's an inside guess of 2000-2500 calories, plus probably about 150 each for the giraffe and elephant. That's somewhere between 2300-2800 calories. Also according to the Internet, the average 4-year-old girl needs 1200 calories a day in their diet.

You consumed TWO DAYS' WORTH OF FOOD in what I assume was less than 30 minutes.

You are my hero.

As a bonus, I found this while Googling:

"How many calories in a piece of chocolate cake with frosting?
(In: Desserts Snacks and Treats, Calorie Count, Chocolate, Cakes)

A: alot!!"

Always your partner in crime, that one.

Moooooog35 said...

I'm exactly the same way about vaginas.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Cake is awesome and deserves such reverence.

Anonymous said...

I have absolutely no sympathy for you in this post. In fact, I couldn't even feel empathy for you.

Sometime between the tantrums and the disobedience, your mother should've given you a good smack on the ass.

I can't believe anyone could be so selfish. Why didn't you just wait for your slice?

Being four is no excuse.

Anonymous said...

I fully expect you are now obese and have type II diabetes. Enjoy your metformin and insulin shots now?

The Social Mediatrix said...

I am having a truly rubbish week. Few things in the world could make my day even fractionally better (and yes, I am saying this at the same time as a bunch of men who have been stuck underground for several months are rescued - I have my bad days). Thankfully, here you are. I don't know how you do it, all I know is that you are also the god of making even the crappest day a little bit better. Thankyou. I would send you virtual cake, but I fear for your hometown.

Stacey said...

Whoa. I make cakes and I'd hate to run into you with one of them! Check out my blog, there's lots of cakes there...just behave yourself!

pluckychickenheart said...

You are God. You are my God. I bow to you. Freaking hysterical.
Mari

Sally said...

Just had to say I love you :D once more you managed to make me laugh that hard I was kicked out of my library! go you!

Can totally identify with this- especially lately! Been on a diet (boo!) and naturally the second it was announced someone bought a 14 inch diameter triple chocolate cake and Ive had to resist it *cries* :P


I will admit one thing...this post made me want to send you cookies! damn I wish I lived somewhat close to you for that reason!

Sounding like a creepy stalker now- so will leave it with a "please update again soon! I missed your randomness!" and a "when can we buy a book of all your blogs?!" :D
-S

Shanella said...

Oh. My . Goodness .... Do you still like cake after that experience?

Anonymous said...

i totally love this, but when DON'T i love your posts.

Anonymous said...

Please please PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE turn that first set of "Cake-Fit" drawings into a birthday card! I would buy at least two dozen. I promise. For years, everyone will get nothing but cake-fit cards for their birthdays. WHICH IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. :)

Kat said...

you are seriously the most hilarious person in this world. i can't stop laughing.

Anonymous said...

i hope i never have a kid like you

Unknown said...

your poor gramma! :(

Karenkool said...

HAHaha ok the part about destroying yourself by dramatically throwing you body against the box... loved that the most. TOO FUNNY!

Jessie Jane Townsend said...

oh my f-ing god. that was HILARIOUS! but we need more, Allie. More. as in right this second... :)

Unknown said...

holy god. you slay me. never ever stop this blog. i will throw myself off a cliff. you are amazing.

Jordan Anderson said...

How do you remember these things from your past in such great (and extremely hilarous) detail?!

You are awesome. Love reading you! You've certainly been missed during your haitus!

Jordan Anderson said...

How do you remember these things from your past in such great (and extremely hilarous) detail?!

You are awesome. Love reading you! You've certainly been missed during your haitus!

Fall Down Girl said...

You just described my 12 year old son's reaction to sugar PERFECTLY. And now I know....when he demands cake, I should just quietly give in, lest I find my home turned into a vomitorium. My son thanks you!

Anonymous said...

OH GOD, that's the funniest shit ever. You rock. <3<3<3

kcunning said...

Resentful playing Allie? I get that look at least once a week from my daughter. If you put that on a shirt, I would totally get one for me, and one for her (to warn the world that her sunniness is really an act).

Unknown said...

LMAO - Are you my child??? I swear my daughter is from the same God of Cake cult....

Great Post.

Elizabeth said...

I think your mother wanted you to get to the cake. Why else would she direct you to the side yard where the window was? She must have known.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious as always.

Btw, there's no such thing as being hyperactive from sugar. It's a myth. Parents who think they see it are seeing their kids respond to the parents' own cues about how they expect their children to react to sugar.

So, basically it sounds like you were just a hellion who liked cake. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Anonymous said...

my favorite frame was, "i played with my toys, but i did not enjoy it." i probably sat and laughed at that for a good half a minute.

Caitlin said...

I laughed until I cried. Like always. When I show this to my husband, he will laugh until he hiccups. (Weirdo)

And now i have exciting new plans for my birthday party this weekend! Minus the regurgitation.

Anonymous said...

I am the cake demon, and must be sated by either human flesh or delicious cake. *Your choice*, Mom.

>.> Your post has pleased me.

tannia said...

As a mom of a two-year old who is already showing some pretty creative "problem-solving" tendencies, your stories both delight nad scare the crap out of me.

Unknown said...

This reminds me of my little sister (honest, it was her!) She loved the chocolate covered cherries my grandmother gave the adults at Christmas.
One Christmas, when she was about 6, she managed to steal a whole box of said cherries and snuck into her bedroom. She ate the whole box. Then got really sick. The imagined consequences of being found out became so epic in her little brain that she couldn't even eat dinner out of sheer nausea and the fear that she would be somehow found out.

Anna said...

Hahahaha :D This made me laugh but also made me hanker for cake!

Danger Boy said...

This may be the best one yet, Allie. I LOVE the vibrating cake panels. They really evoke the concept of a cake fit.

I was much more ninja-ish about my cake thievery...I would take tiny slivers of the cake, then blame it on my big brother. 5 year old me was such an ass. :)

FallofIcarus said...

I loved this! I love your pathetic faces. They crack me up. and smashing your head against the box was brilliant. haha!

icarusfx.blogspot.com

Unknown said...

What a wonderful surprise for me that on my birthday you post about birthday cake! Thank you!

Dr. Sarah said...

Oh gosh. Thank you for this comic. You have described my middle son to a "T". It made me laugh and I really needed that this morning, after spending two days with a two and a three year old. I am that mother in your comic. LOL!!!!

Anonymous said...

I like how you begin to buzz, then vibrate. Excellent effects! Oh, P.S. - Based on your addictive tendencies as well as your inability to contain your spaz, don't ever do cocaine...

Marsy {Giddy Fingers} said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sirena said...

OMG how funny. Your poor, beleaguered mom! I have to say that the second you ate that cake you confirmed your status as the most horrible little girl in the world lol! F you Dennis the Menace!
What did your mom end up doing? Does she tell the story laughingly now? I'm sure the sight of your little body hunched over the wreckage of the cake was enough to make her laugh even then :-) toooooo funny.

Jenneryy said...

I just laughed until an office mate came up and asked me what was wrong. She has now read the story and is also laughing, I think I just converted my office to Allie Brosh!!

I totally missed your blog postings, you are a genius of hilarity.

Sudhana said...

Allie-

This was brilliant and amazing, as per usual. Also, your childhood stories are the most effective birth control EVER.

Jennifer said...

Did your grandfather care that he didn't get any of his birthday cake? Did your grandmother care? As funny as it is, there's got to be more to the story.

dxm300 said...

This post makes me wonder if we are twins who were separated at birth. It also makes me want to knock down the walls between my office building and the bakery using my superhuman powers to steal all of their cake...

Unknown said...

I don't know which one makes me laugh harder...this post, or the fact that when I go to leave a comment, it says "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you" above the text box.

Your angry playing face reminds me of when I was, like, 5 years old. Freaky.

SomeJerk said...

Truly worth the wait. This was one of the best posts yet.

Hufsa said...

"I put the dress on backwards just to make her life slightly more difficult."
You evil little bastardXD Hilarious, as always^^,

Max H. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Max H. said...

Sounds a LOT like Mac from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends.

Anonymous said...

yay! I'm so glad you're back! and an absolutely awesomely hilarious post to boot - life doesn't get much better!

Sasha said...

Aaaaah yes. I have been waiting for this next post, and have not been disappointed! I especially like your drawings of the slide into CAKE IS ALL THAT MATTERS. You were clearly a beautiful child and are a beautiful person. :) Keep livin' the high life!

Anonymous said...

Yay yay yay! You're back! I heart the picture of you (mean faced) playing with your toys. Hilarity.

Unknown said...

THAT. WAS. AMAZING!!

Unknown said...

Holy crap. How did you avoid being dumped in a Russian orphanage after that? If my daughter did some crazy shit like that...yeah. Gone.
Another entertaining tale!

Jim Reynolds said...

Oh my.

This was absolutely AMAZING.

Murphy said...

I was just thinking about cake this morning while doing laundry. I was considering posting a public service announcement to those who would bake a cake for their friends without frosting it. It would be like saying, "I consider you a decent person, but I will never truly love you. I might not even like you." Frosting, you see, is love.

Also, I love that the bananas were given the same protection as the cake.

Jocelyn said...

LOL Brosh, I freaking LOVE your blog. Just read this on my 15 minute break at work.... Now the entire store has had their suspicions of my insanity confirmed - I laughed for 10 minutes like a maniac. <3 hugs and love.

Splash87 said...

I love your posts! The reactions in the pics never fail to make me laugh.

Lazymochabear said...

This made my day and was exactly what I needed. Thanks for the new post!!!

Cinnamon said...

Too many comments to read all the way through, so I hope someone else hasn't already said this:

Am I the only one who heard the "Jaws" theme music in my head as her little head got closer and closer to the cake?

annotations said...

I am assuming your mom is still living. We all need to thank her for allowing you to survive your childhood in order to bring us so much laughter today. Is she allowed visitors? Does she get day passes? Or does she simply spend each day staring blankly through the walls or chewing through the restraints...?

*tarazza said...

This made me laugh out loud so much. Thank you for making my terrible day better. Mmmmm cake.

Eileen said...

LOVE this story. Especially a four year-old saying "...everyone else could go fuck themselves." Just hilarious.

Nicholas Bond said...

U r teh awesumz. TEH awesumz.

Erin Barnes said...

I try to explain my love of cake and sugar to other people but they always just eye me dubiously. But you, YOU understand my love. This post made me laugh so loud (in a public place in an awesome blaze of awkward gloriousness no less). Love it!

Anonymous said...

I was the same way, but instead I had to learn how to get cake on my own, because I realized the cat and mouse could potentially go on forever. My mom would lock the cakes or pies in the pantry, no windows. So I found my change jar, rolled some pennies walked to the convenient store about 1/4 mile away and bought 3 of those tastykake pies and ate them all. When my mother say me with the wrappers, I gave a smug look of "I can get pie on my own now!"

La Piazza Gancio said...

Creativity and humor. A fine combination, indeed.

Kayla said...

This is hilarious. I am crying because I was laughing so much. I love you.

Anonymous said...

Oh my...
This is probably the most amazing thing ever!!!

Rach said...

HA! Loving it. Reminds me of the time I was locked in my backyard surrounded by snails and screaming for help and no one believed me.
exactly like this - except more snails, less cake.

Not Stupid Panda said...

This is not helping with the massive cake craving I've been dealing with lately! A craving, by the way, that is mostly your fault to begin with. After reading all of your posts (and laughing like crazy) I moved on to your links to tide me over until a new post. Specifically, I've been looking at CakeWrecks.

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. Some relative of my BF is getting married, so I won't really know anyone. However, I'm still psychotically anxious to go so that I can destroy their cake.

I feel sorry for the shame I'm about to bring on my BF; he's already having a hard time dealing with my petulant demands for cake. Probably 65% of my at-home vocabulary over the last three weeks has been "cake?". I've already lost the ability to answer questions logically ("Hi babe, how was class today?" "...cake?"); this may be the last time I communicate in sentences until my cake for cake is cake... *panicked desperate glances*

Cake?

William Bradley said...

This....this was me. God I loved cake.

Siobhan said...

This is what my friends and I call a Fat Kid Moment: when, like a little fat kid, you're so excited about food that you do superhuman/horribly embarrassing/socially unacceptable things in order to stuff yourself silly.

I've never seen a Fat Kid Moment illustrated so wonderfully, though. Nice work, Allie.

Anonymous said...

I like the Kirby effect.

chg said...

I think you should make up a story about a horrible experience in your life (the traumatic death of a pet, someone's battle with illness, something like that) and tell it completely straight, though with a few pictures. That way people like Kristin and Evan will post 'That's hilarious!' at the top of the comments, then feel like assholes when they go back and actually read the story.

ann said...

yes,, awesome XD i totally remember a similar story with ice cream when i was 8, didnt turn out well at all...

ann said...

yes,, awesome XD i totally remember a similar story with ice cream when i was 8, didnt turn out well at all...

Fred Miller said...

That is beautifully done art. I love it. And I love you. I worry when it's been this long. But I can see the amount of work you're putting in. It's worth the wait.

Interview with God: Part 1

Anonymous said...

when you finally find the cake and your head is rising like a triumphant sun behind it, poised to devour, this is what i heard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWnmCu3U09w

another winner!

Jenna (J and Co) said...

i never played resentfully with my toys as a kid. never.

OKAY FINE. that panel made me laugh, mostly because i probably identified with it so much. . .

Shauna said...

Every single time I'm at work and realize that there is a new post up I have to read it in segments with breaks to look at something not funny in between for fear of bursting out into laughter in the middle of my quiet office.

Aces said...

"I went and played with my toys, but I did not enjoy it."

I think this might be my new favorite catch phrase. My husband and I both use the "... all the things?" almost daily to describe something. I doubt this one will replace the other one, but it just means we'll end up quoting you twice as much.

Tien Frogget said...

Thanks for making me laugh so hard!!! :D

Niki said...

Your poor mother.

Sarah said...

I ate just as much birthday cake as I wanted earlier this week. 'Cause it was my birthday and nobody could tell me to stay away from my cake.

MY CAKE. ALL. FRIGGIN'. MINE.

Mychelle said...

Hey Allie I was wondering if you still go crazy over sugar now that you are older or if you grew out of that? I'm wondering because I can really relate to everything but in like my own way and now that i'm older, I have to abstain from sugar most of the time otherwise I will just go crazy and i'll laugh at nothing.

Anonymous said...

This post is bittersweet. It's so funny that I cried but I'm afraid you're going to make us wait another month for more.

missmeowmix said...

oh god... i laughed so hard!! i was reading this on my boyfriend's phone in the student center at my school, and caused people to stare. i'm so glad you posted something new. i will now go share it with everyone i know :)

Athena said...

I love your drawings. The way you depict yourself through cartoon is just unbelievably funny. I can even see the beginnings of the Raptor Pose when you discovered The Window To The Cake!

You really have a brilliant gift for storytelling. <3

LE Bean said...

I love cake like... I love cake, but also, I like Alot of cake.

http://beanonparade.blogspot.com/2010/10/cake-alot-of-cake-is-lot-of-cake.html

just for you!

Razzy said...

I feel the need to bake you a cake with marshmallow animals now.

Diana Toledano said...

You CAN'T read ALL the comments... it's impossible! so many...

Anyway, I just wanted to say that this story was hilarious, reading it was a nice (and deserved) break.

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