The Poor Person's Guide To Living Like a Rich Person

Are you poor?  Do you often find yourself to be rabidly jealous of people who are rich enough to do fun things?  Well, hold on to your hats because you are about to start living the high life with my fool-proof guide to having fun like a rich person - FOR FREE!!  

Rich-Person Activity:  Going to Horse Races

How you can do it too:

1. Find a few horses.  

2. Check to make sure that the owner of the horses is away doing rich-person things. 

3.  Make a sound like a grizzly bear. 

4.  Watch to see if your horse flees to the opposite side of the corral the fastest.  

Cost: $0 if you don't get caught or trampled. 

Rich-Person Activity: Golf

How you can do it too:

1. Go to a public park.  

2. Dig a few holes in the ground.  

3. Find a smallish round rock that will fit in the holes you've dug.  

4. Get a big stick.  

5. Hit the rock with the stick.  

6. Try to get the rock into one of the holes, minimizing the number of times you have to hit it with the stick.  

Cost: $0

Note: Rich people are careless with their infinitely replaceable things, so you can often find actual golf balls if you sneak onto a golf course after hours. 

Rich-Person Activity: Dinner and a Movie

How you can do it too:

1. Obtain food.  

2. Walk around in a fancy neighborhood until you find a house with a television that you can see from outside.  The larger the television, the less likely it is that you will be arrested for trespassing while trying to read subtitles (rich people like foreign films.  This is good because you won't be able to hear the TV anyway.) 

3. Find a comfortable place to settle in and enjoy your film.  Large trees, parked cars (if you are fortunate enough to have a car) and salvaged lawn chairs are all good options.  

4.  If you have to trespass to see the television clearly, cut eyeholes in a black bed sheet and drape it over yourself.  (note: keep bed sheet for use in future adventures). 

Cost:  $0 if you steal your food from a restaurant waist bin or coordinate your movie night with the schedule of your local soup kitchen.  

Rich-Person Activity: Sailing

How you can do it too:  

1. Find a large, wooden object at your local dump.  If you cannot find a large, wooden object at the dump, thrift stores often carry large, wooden objects and will sell them to you for only a few dollars if the object is hideous enough.  

2. Find a bed sheet.  

3. Put the large, wooden object in the water.  

4. Sit on large wooden object.  If you do not get wet, you are clear to proceed to step 5. 

5. Hold bed sheet above your head.  

6. Wait for wind.  

Cost:  $0 if you can find the necessary items at the dump.  $5-10 if you have to purchase your items at a thrift store.

Rich-Person Activity: Going on Vacation

How you can do it too:

1.  Find or purchase a very strong pair of reading glasses.

2.  Walk around with the glasses on your face.  

3.  Rediscover your formerly familiar surroundings!   The best part is that reading glasses come in a variety of different strengths, and each one will make your physical environment appear differently from the next.  You can even wear two pairs of glasses, one over the other, for an entirely new experience!  

4.  For an extra touch of authenticity, ask people to speak to you in a foreign accent.  If your dream vacation is in outer space, as people to make alien/spaceship sounds.

Cost: $0 if you can find/borrow reading glasses.  Often, you can take glasses right off the face of a sleeping vagrant.   

Rich-Person Activity: Rock Climbing

How you can do it too:

1. Find a large rock. 

2. Climb the rock.

3. Don't fall.

Cost: $0 if you don't fall

Rich-Person Activity: Going to the Mall

How you can do it too: 

1. Go to a mall. 

Cost: $0 if you take the bus and don't buy anything while you're there. 

Rich-Person Activity:  Hanging out by the pool

How you can do it too: 

1.  Dig a big hole in your yard (if you do not have a yard, dig a hole in the sand at the beach) 

2.  Dump out your rich neighbor's garbage and steal the bag.  You may need to do this several times to have enough bags.  

3.  Line your hole with the garbage bags you've stolen from your rich neighbors.  

4. Fill the hole with buckets of water or water from a hose.  If you do not have a bucket or a hose, steal another garbage bag and use it to transport your water.  If you are so poor that your water has been turned off, you can simply perform steps 1-3 and then wait for it to rain. 

5.  Hang out by your pool! 

Cost: $0