Dogs Don't Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.  


I know this because my boyfriend Duncan and I moved from Montana to Oregon last month.  But as harrowing as the move was for us, it was nothing compared to the confusion and insecurity our two dogs had to endure.  

Our first dog is - to put it delicately - simple-minded.  Our other dog is a neurotic German shepherd mix with agonizingly low self-esteem who has taken on the role of "helper dog" for our simple dog.  Neither dog is well-equipped with coping mechanisms of any kind.  

When we started packing, the helper dog knew immediately that something was going on.  I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty.  She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.     


When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed.  Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos.  The simple dog remained unfazed. 


Unfortunately for the helper dog, it took us nearly a week to get everything packed up.  By the time we were ready to begin the first part of our two-day journey to Oregon, she seemed almost entirely convinced that she was going to die at any moment.  She spent the entire car ride drooling and shaking uncontrollably.  


But the simple dog seemed to enjoy the trip. 


Even though she threw up seven times. 


She actually seemed to like throwing up.  To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food.  I was less excited about the discovery because it turned my dog into a horrible, vomit-making perpetual motion machine.  Whenever I heard her retch in the backseat, I had to pull over as quickly as possible to prevent her from reloading her stomach and starting the whole cycle over again.  

But as far as the simple dog was concerned, it was the best, most exciting day of her life.  


It wasn't until we stopped for the night in Umatilla that the simple dog became aware that there was any reason for her to feel anxious.  But at around two o'clock in the morning, the simple dog finally realized that something was different and maybe she should be alarmed.


This particular dog is not anywhere near the gifted spectrum when it comes to solving problems.  In fact, she has only one discernible method of problem solving and it isn't even really a method. 


But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, the simple dog did not understand this concept and she went right ahead and made an interminable amount of noise that was just invasive enough to make sleeping impossible. 

After an hour of failed attempts at comforting the simple dog, her constant, high-pitched emergency-distress-signal became a huge problem.  

I tried to communicate my displeasure to the simple dog, but communicating with the simple dog usually goes like this:


She was going to make that sound forever if she felt it was necessary.  We tried everything from spooning her to locking her in the bathroom, but none of it was even the slightest bit effective.  



The simple dog made the noise all through the night and was still going strong the next morning. When we were loading the dogs into the car, the constant, high-pitched sound emanating from the simple dog finally broke the helper dog.  The helper dog wailed in anguish, which alarmed the simple dog.  In her surprise, the simple dog let out a yelp, which further upset the helper dog.  And so it continued in a wretched positive-feedback loop of completely unnecessary noise.


When we finally arrived at our new house, the dogs had calmed down considerably.  Unfortunately, it had snowed the night before and there was still snow on our front lawn, and that was enough to catapult both dogs back into hysteria.  

The simple dog had either never experienced snow or she'd forgotten that she knew what it was, because when we let her out of the car, she walked around normally for about seven seconds, then she noticed the snow and her feeble little mind short-circuited.


At first, the simple dog was excited about the snow.  She started prancing around the yard like she was the star of a one-dog parade - her recent personal crisis overshadowed by a haze of enthusiasm. 


The prancing turned to leaping and the leaping turned to running chaotically in stupid little circles. Then she just stopped and stared at the ground.  There was a visible shift in her demeanor as she realized that she didn't understand snow and it was everywhere and she should probably be scared of it. She started making the noise again. 


Not surprisingly, the helper dog interpreted the snow as a sign of her imminent demise.  But she was so exhausted from worrying about all of the other signs of her demise that she just gave up and accepted her death.  She peered up at us, half-buried in the snow.  Her eyes were filled with pain and helplessness, as if she thought we had summoned the snow for the sole purpose of making her sad.


We decided that it would probably be best to bring the dogs inside.  

As a condition for allowing us to have dogs in our rental house, our landlady made us promise that we wouldn't let the dogs scratch the wood floors.  We didn't anticipate it being a problem because it hadn't been in the past, but as soon as our dogs set foot in the house, they morphed into perfectly engineered floor-destroying machines.  They started sprinting as fast as they could for absolutely no reason - skittering around in circles to avoid running into the walls.  


We finally corralled them in the bedroom and shut the door to give ourselves a little time to regroup and come up with a plan.  Until we could get some rugs or convince the dogs that it was unnecessary to sprint around chaotically for no reason, we would need to find some way to prevent them from scratching the floors.  What we ended up doing was going to the pet store and buying two sets of sled dog booties. It was the only way.

It is easy to imagine that a dog who has recently experienced a dramatic upheaval of its formerly safe and predictable life might not react well to suddenly having strange objects attached to all four of its feet.  This was most definitely the case with the booties.

The helper dog panicked and started trying to rip the booties off with her teeth. 


I scolded her and she reacted as if I'd ruined her entire life. 


But at least her immobilizing self-pity kept her from chewing the booties off.

The simple dog just stood there and looked at me in a way that would suggest she didn't realize her legs still worked.


They had to wear the booties for two days.  Those two days were filled with the most concentrated display of overemotional suffering I have ever witnessed.  The simple dog spent most of her time standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered and hurt and the helper dog refused to walk, instead opting to flop her way around the house like a dying fish.  


The entire ordeal was punctuated by the simple dog's high-pitched confusion alarm. 

We were beginning to think that our dogs were permanently broken. Nothing we did helped at all to convince the dogs that we had only changed houses and our new house was not, in fact, some sort of death-camp and we weren't actually planning on killing them to fulfill an organ harvest ritual.  Despite our best efforts, they continued to drift around in a sea of confusion and terror, pausing only to look pitiful. 

But while we were unpacking, we found a squeaky toy that was given to us as a gift shortly before we moved.  We offered the toy to the dogs.  This may have been a mistake. 

Upon discovering that the toy squeaked when it was compressed forcefully, the simple dog immediately forgot that she'd ever experienced doubt or anxiety ever in her life.  She pounced on the toy with way more force than necessary, over and over and over.  The logic behind her sudden change in outlook was unclear.   


But at least she was happy again. 

2,471 comments:

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Anonymous said...

this made me laugh out loud. i love posts that do that! yours tend to do that, i'm pretty sure i've read them all. not to creep or anything. you're just funny. i'll stop rambling now. thank you for making my day complete. the end.

Minn said...

The only thing better than new posts is new posts about dogs.
I am a dog LOVER and it both made me laugh and become greatly distressed to hear about how your dogs reacted to the move. (But not to the point that I would make high pitched 'eeeeeeeeeeee' sounds).
Awesome job.
A bit of advice: the next time one of your dogs starts barking or making noise for no reason, try grabbing its mussel firmly (but not harshly) and command "quiet" saying the word very low pitched akin to the sound of a growling dog. (Forcefully, but not as if you are challenging it to a fight). The actually works much better than simply 'barking back' at your dog, and after a repeated number of occurances, if you just command "quiet" even without holding the dog's mussel, it should do the trick.
(At least for helper dog).

Featheredkitten said...

My wiener dog is sitting in my lap, and apparently i don't laugh enough 'cause he's been looking at me like i'm hurt, or crazy as i practically pull something laughing at your mis-dog-fortune (that's a word, i swear). Epic. Thanks for sharing, you're hilarious. I love your illustrations.

Anonymous said...

This was down right hilarious. my co-workers now think I am insane.

Thankyou

Lacey said...

I have never laughed so hard at a blog post in my entire life. You are so awesome.

Ian the Pontificator said...

I cried.

Anonymous said...

So what's happened to helper dog? recovered yet?

Gwendolyn said...

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

I laughed so hard at this that my boyfriend kicked me out of the living room. (apparently I was interfering with the loud gunshot noises coming from his playstation. men.)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Heather @ He Cooks She Cooks said...

So long time reader first time caller, errr commenter...

Where did the BOOTIES go in the LAST DRAWING?

You made my bird cry...

Joanne said...

Love it! Since getting our Pug, we've moved 4 times. The last time the stress was so much he had a seizure. Whenever I have a tidy up or move anyhting around, the eyes widen, the ears get flat, the tail goes in between the legs & he follows me around everywhere.
If you can't deal with weird
non-stop irritating dog noises, don't get a Pug. I love my Crockett but at times, he makes me mental.

dinsquared said...

But what about poor Helper Dog??? I'm in a state of suspense worrying about him!! Did they ever get used to the snow? Did you ever take the booties off? UPPPPDAAAATTTTEEE!!

Sam said...

I cried.

God you're funny, woman. I think I might be in virtual love with you...

Jessica said...

Do you regret giving Simple Dog the squeaky toy yet? ...No? YOU WILL.

Anonymous said...

beyond brilliant!!

Christy said...

Any writing that starts with lava and ends with squeaky-toy joy is awesome.
Good luck in your new loca. I personally love moving; it's so exciting being in a new place!

Andrea said...

I laughed until I cried! I think all dog lovers can appreciate this. I also think this is the best post you've ever written!

Shell said...

Just takes a toy...just takes a toy.

Baroness said...

The symphony of the simple dog and the helper dog destroyed me! Another masterpiece. Thank you Allie :)

Heather said...

My sides are still hurting from laughing at your two poor puppies. Moving is always tough on pets, but it sounds like yours had a particularly rough time of it!

;D Hope they settle in soon and let you sleep without any more high-pitched yelps of hysteria.

Hood Photo Blog said...

This sounds just like my dog! Welcome to Oregon. There are plently of lava fields around Bend. You werent far off ;)

Daviet said...

I have recently become aware of your blog and I simply LOVE the way you portray your life and the things in it, e.g. the dogs. It is hilarious and informative (I will make sure that while jogging either 1. bring water or 2. do not drink out of a hose that is connected to a weird black box in someone's yard). I sympathize with your dog situation, I have a friend who owns 2 Italian Greyhounds (mini greyhounds) and one of them is almost exactly like your 'simple' dog. The similarities are scary. Much love from the frigid north and looking forward to future posts (as long as the ADHD and lack of motivation don't latch onto you). ^_^

Anonymous said...

This is so much better than the last two.

Virginia said...

I laughed so hard I am now crying, my sides hurt and I think there's a possibility I might throw up my dinner.

I frickin love you.

Cryandry said...

AHH! This made my day! I've never cried so much just from laughing :) Epic drawings, you captured everything I thought they would look like plus some. :P

Liisa said...

I just laughed so hard I lost my voice. Thank you!

Telas said...

If ever you find yourself in this predicament again...

Benadryl is safe for dogs (they can take twice the human dose) and chills them out. I've given it to a neurotic dog pre-travel, and the pooch slept most of the trip.

A loooong walk pre- and post-move will put your dogs in the mindset of 'travel'. Cesar Milan suggests this, and I've done it, too. We're talking something like 4-5 miles, but most people moving can't spare the time...

I hope they settle in nicely.

Anonymous said...

We had a dog like simple dog. She had the same response to getting into a car and going anywhere..

Drool and shaking, occasionally retching her guts out.

We never could believe the amount of drool she could produce. I had imagined life with a nice dog we could take for rides, let romp in the country, do cool things with. What we had was a dog that we had to use a huge quilt to soak up the drool whenever we had to take her anywhere.

Life is like that sometimes.

Amanda Strassner said...

By the time I got to the picture of helper dog using flopping as a method of locomotion, I was laughing so hard my eyes were watering. Excellent post!

Anonymous said...

I love the illustrations, and fascinating, funny, tragic story. I hope the dogs are OK now. SRSLY. Poor things!

VM Sehy Photography said...

I feel for you. I hope your dogs have calmed down a little.

David said...

Allie, your dogs are almost as amazing as you are. A very great feat indeed.

~krystal~ said...

Allie,
I'm so excited you had a new post. And it was totally worth waiting for. Please say that helper dog is happier now too.
Krystal

Tuhrail said...

Your dogs sound like the best. If only my sister would react to a squeaky toy like that :D

Jessica said...

This made me laugh so hard my throat hurt.

Anonymous said...

Oh my fucking goad you and your dogs are hilarious!!!!
Ann E

Ariana Aislinn said...

It never fails. A new post goes up, and within minutes I am laughing uncontrollably with tears running down my face. Dogs are such a wonderful subject for you. You can make yours hilarious in just a few words and one ridiculous picture. <3

Caitydid said...

I am laughing so hard I nearly peed, my poor dogs want to know why I am twitching and giggling and guffawing, and are getting up in my business and trying to sit on my computer. My abs hurt and I think my back just spasmed again, but this is the FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ. EVER. You freaking ROCK. Thank you for being awesome.

The Modern Feudalism said...

Possibly the greatest post ever.

dbs said...

This is actually a fable describing you and your boyfriend right? Because I am convinced that you've perfectly described my marriage. I must go now and yank my "helper dog's chain."

Susannah said...

So fucking worth the wait. And just in time.

Thank you. Just ... thank you.

Anonymous said...

You put the lol in philosophy, whether or not it was there in the first place

BeBe Babies said...

I love your blog but am especially fond of the dog posts....I have a simple dog myself. You make me laugh till I cry. :)

Brandy said...

One of your best posts in a while! Thank you. :)

Kate said...

Oh, oh, my stomach hurts! I'm laughing so hard! I've know these dogs. I can see those looks so clearly! I love when you write about your dogs.

Rusty said...

The picture of running away from lava in flippers is amazing.

Amanda said...

I could not stop laughing. Amazing way to make my day much, much, much better. :]

Anonymous said...

That's the only thing about dogs that ticks me off.

My dog (before she died) used to get visibly upset, mope, not want to eat etc for atleast an entire day everytime I moved a plant, or if I got a new tv or piece of furniture, or if ANYTHING at all changed in the house.

They really do not copy well with change.

Fred Miller said...

I think simple dog is the smarter. At least the simple dog thinks in Euclidean geometry and even aeronautics. The brown dog just thinks with emotion. That explains her chronic depression.

Pamela in Calgary said...

Allie, I love your stories and cartoons and this one about moving was one of your best!

Thanks for sharing your life with us, and allowing us to laugh at...I mean, WITH you!!

Sheryl said...

I laughed like crazy, but I'm also now incredibly depressed. Helper dog sounds a lot like my dog (whom I've nicknamed "Emo Dog" because he mopes so amazingly much). Now that I know that there are other dogs as insanely broken as he is, I've lost hope that he'll ever become sane.

But at least I have your misery to make me smile about my own dog misery.

10eisha said...

Oh man,I don't think i have ever laughed so hard while reading a blog.

Thank you.

Kari said...

Jeebus people love your stuff (including me), you have a lot of comments XD

Yeah, your dogs are awesome. My Corgi can be derpy, but not like your special one XD

Also, beware of people throughout Oregon who don't understand snow any more than your dogs do. They will FREAK OUT, and ROADS WILL CLOSE, and NOTHING WILL GET DONE because there will be ONE SNOW PLOW for the entirety of (insert city name that isn't in Bend-ish area here). It's kind of amusing, especially for a Minnesotan like me, but mostly quite obnoxious.

RollerScrapper said...

This post was made of pure awesomeness...I'm pretty sure my dog is the conglomeration of your two dogs. I even tried the test on her...she could not figure out how to get a chicken treat out from under a clean tupperware...poor doggie :) she is half worrier and half ditz :)

Oh and she looks like "helper" dog :)

Anonymous said...

Ohmigod this is hilarious but I feel bad for thinking that because your poor doggies! Is there some word for backwards schadenfreude? Because that's what I've got right now. Well, and cheek cramps from trying to suppress my amusement.

Jennie said...

This post? Amazing. I'm a veterinary student. I've seen my fair share of simple and/or neurotic dogs. Yours take the cake! I guess that's probably a bad thing for you, but at least YOUR DOGS WON THE CONTEST! YAAAAY! ...Right?

Also: I think I'll employ simple dog's problem-solving strategy until my test tomorrow morning... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I feel smarter already.

Mishka said...

Seriously, your blog is the only thing on the whole internet that I actually laugh out loud at. Hilarious, fantastic post.

Mandy said...

This is one of my fave posts i love the way you depict the two dogs its perfect.
Was there a happy ending for Helper dog? Poor helper dog :C

Anonymous said...

Oh god! I peed. I actually laughed so hard I peed my pants. It had to happen sometime.

I love it! Too funny!!!

Addie said...

Oh my goodness! Poor you guys, poor dogs! I'm laughing because it wasn't me. But I am familiar with that high-pitched dog squeak. My coon hound makes it when I leave. Or go upstairs without him. Or walk past the pantry without feeding him. I hope you enjoy your new home.

Kat Hutka said...

I don't do pets - but I laughed until I died. And then I commented - I am currently the undead.

Mina said...

Going through a move myself. Just to a different country. Good luck with that.

Mathair Mayi said...

This has provided tears of laughter and a pain in my face that I haven't felt in months from such intense smiling. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

(I moved from Montana to Oregon when I was 10. I understand the dogs...)

Kelsey said...

I just laughed so hard that I'm in pain. Omg.

Amelia Irizarry said...

I live with a dog whose level of neurosis is a constant source of awe and surprise. Your description of Simple Dog and Helper Dog...had me in stitches and helps me look at my predicament with more patience!

steph gas said...

was crying with laughter and i definitely needed it today. i feel like i know your dogs because you animate them so well.

Christie said...

SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: Reading Hyperbole and a Half while consuming food or beverage may cause choking and ultimately death.

I post this warning, because I was reading this post out loud to my husband while he was eating a snack, and I nearly had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him. Good work as always, Allie.

ethan_marston said...

We don't have wood floors, but for some reason my new dog has to assert his dominance by rubbing himself all over the carpet whenever we vacuum. He also doesn't believe in personal space, and he thinks it's okay to bite my feet.

It's not okay.

Mehllers said...

We moved from North Carolina to Colorado with two cats. Big cat threw up and pooped quietly until he was empty. Then he just drooled. Little cat meowed herself hoarse. But she still meowed. In the car, in the hotel, day or night...she meowed crackily so we would not forget that she was displeased.

Allie, thank you so much for what you do. Your blog makes me happy.

Mehllers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brandon said...

This was too great! : ]

Juan said...

I'm trying to figure out what happened to your boyfriend in the car. Was he the one singing Bon Jovi? Did he decide to hitch hike?

Jimh. said...

I totally could not finish dinner because I was laughing SOOO hard!! And my wife was mad because I found you had posted before she did and she could not catch up while I was laughing hysterically!! Thank you!!

lannette said...

Best birthday present ever!! Totally saved me from the birthday sneaky hate spiral that I was working really hard on! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I swear to God, every time I read one of your posts, I start laughing like I've been poisoned by the Joker. My stomach muscles hurt, and my face *may* be stuck.

Katherine said...

My boyfriend is annoyed because I am sitting in our living room cackling as I read this and he doesn't know what is so funny. Thanks for the great post!

Rory Minelor said...

This was a fighter jet. Not a burrito. Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Your talent for observation of what dogs actually do and look like is amazing, Allie! =D This was a wonderful post. I really loved Simple Dog's reaction to vomiting.

PS--Welcome to Oregon! We're happy to have you!

Electric Landlady said...

Add me to the 'laughing so hard I cried' column. But has the helper dog cheered up yet?! I must know!

Tori said...

I would take pathetic high pitched squeal noise over the "someone is kicking that dog in the ribs with rock climbing picks on" noise my dog makes whenever I leave the house for even moments.

Anonymous said...

"Why would you do this to me?"

That pretty much sums it up... Poor dogs.

Anonymous said...

Allie, your posts always crack me up, but I think the ones about your dogs are some of the best. My husband and I read them and crack up every time.

Anonymous said...

As 'momma' to 3 dogs, I so totally understand!

Anonymous said...

I was laughing so hard I actually was holding my stomach as I rolled around in my seat. Thanks for the great laughs!

Anonymous said...

Laughing too hard, tears streaming down my face. God you capture the life of a dog owner too well...brilliant!

Kayatica said...

My everything hurts from laughter

Mindee said...

Your drawings of Kellie and Naya are amazing. Also, my dog is totally the same way about squeaky toys. She has a squeaky beaver that I swear she honestly thinks she kills on a daily basis. And it makes her so happy.

Did Martha and Duke give you the squeaky toy? Sounds like something they'd do.

Miss you! Watch out, I may have to come up to Bend and visit you after I graduate. :)

Liz said...

This one just kept getting better and better!

Buff Drinklots said...

dat dog.

ALB said...

I LOVE this!! I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. Your "simple minded" dog sounds (and looks-based off of your drawings) exactly like my dog. Is she part Basenji?? My dog prances, barfs, and seems to think in shapes too :)

Anonymous said...

These are my dogs, I swear! Neurotic German shepherd mix and retarded/clueless/ridiculously cute and annoying mystery hound dog! I'm laughing so hard I might pee the couch before they do!

Amanda said...

Finally commenting! I friggin love this blog... and I love your half-retarded and overly-depressed dogs. Just don't buy them Prozac or anything... or food for that matter since the simple one has found a way to create her own leftovers.

Anonymous said...

so what happend to the helper dog? did she ever become happy?

Anonymous said...

so what happend to the helper dog? did she ever become happy?

Anonymous said...

so what happend to the helper dog? did she ever become happy?

Destiny said...

Aww, poor doggies. If helper dog is still nervous and upset, you should consider a calming treat or supplement for her until she gets used to the new place. Works great for traveling too! The local stores (Bend Pet Express and Healthy Paws) will likely have a better selection of them than the big box stores.

Danielle said...

Hahaha XD Sounds like quite an experience. Good luck with trying to help your dogs adjust.

Hannah said...

YAY UPDATE!! I heart special dog.

Drae said...

Oh, please, please, PLEASE make that "the ground is all weird, I'm a dog!" image available on a t-shirt. The sooner, the better. I will immediately buy several.

Lynnie said...

oh man you are totally making me glad I didn't have pets along on the move from Minnesota to Oregon in September. :)

Kat JPierce said...

My husband LITERALLY puked because he laughed so hard at the simple-dog-puking section. Irony.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard I cried at work, and I was really trying not to. So funny! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

As the caretaker of a simple dog, I am so glad mine isn't the only one that does that! My parents actually bought me a copy of "How to Live with a Neurotic Dog." Sounds like you need one, too! :0)

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard at this I gave myself a headache. The way you draw the dogs makes me *wheeze*. My Maltese is similarly disinclined towards any kind of change. His Emergency Broadcast System is so pitiful I end up apologizing for, like, taking him to the beach or rearranging the furniture.

Matthew Glidden said...

"Running away from lava" picture = superbly creepy. I love it.

bathory said...

I just drove across the entire US with 3 dogs and I'm glad I read this AFTER my journey.

We had more luck than you, although our helper dog did get totally panicked and sit on top of EVERY box and bag that was being packed and looked morose (dont forget me!!!!!).

Flopper dog = LOOOOL

Anonymous said...

Oh great.But what about these dogs..
http://funnyandspicy.com/wonderful-photographs-of-dogs-in-costumes

Bruce B said...

Im totally going to send video of my German Shepherd doing her Whine. When ever she spots a spot of light, she goes nuts. She has her "Binky" which is just a fluffy stuffed ball, which she will shove as far into her mouth as her tongue and gag reflex allow, and make that same high pitched noise..
Its quite annoying, but shes ours and we love her, and her stinky binky.

Kel said...

this made me cry with laughter. thank you!

(please post a follow-up about helper dog)

Aeva said...

YAY WELCOME BACK. Ahahaha your simple dog's reaction to snow reminds me exactly of my dogs. They go through the same process of joy and then unreasoning terror. It gets even more fun when I make snowballs for them to fetch which they of course immediately lose - such betrayal. I'm always in disgrace after that stunt.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure I solve problems like your simple dog. There's much whining and flailing about until my hubs takes care of whatevernis annoying me.

Jen said...

Best. Post. Ever. Well done!! :)

ania said...

"You are my sunshine, [one of the funniest of the top 20 of] my only sunshine[s]. You make me happy when skies are grey...."

You always make me laugh. For real.

Thanks for that.

Nate Gnau said...

Dear Allie,

Oh how I love your blog.

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. We have two Jack Russel / Beagle mixes. One is the melodramatic dog and the other is the simple dog.

My wife and I read this together. I couldn't get through more than three sentences without having to pause, wipe the tears from my eyes and catch my breath.

Something about your style of writing just hit me perfectly.

Well done!

Ironmom said...

My kids LOVE your posts, but I only show them the ones without bad language (I know I am a cruel, cruel person). This one was a major hit, second only to dental surgery. Thanks!

CatePow said...

I want you to write a book. I will not only buy a copy for myself, but for everyone I know. As with almost all your posts, I got about halfway through this one, had to stop reading so I could wipe the tears of joy from my eyes, catch my breath from laughing, call my sister AND brother to tell them to begin reading immediately, then I continued reading.

Seriously...please write a book.

Bailey said...

Oh my gosh. I have two dogs just like your's. We're moving to Oregon from Mississippi soon. It's roughly 4 days by car. I was worried how'd they handle it before I read this; now I'm terrified. But seriously, hilarious stuff.

Anonymous said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Brilliant drawings. Bravo!

StephanieC said...

************************************************** I'd like to think you will see this comment, Allie, but I am guessing after 500+, they start to lose their appeal.

Anonymous made an awesome point - you made Simple Dog think in Playstation buttons.

I was snorting as I laughed.

You inspired me to blog and I will never be as funny as you. I wish I could draw.

Thanks for the fantastically-awesome-istic post, Allie! Totally needed it right now and you raised the bar even higher.

YOU ARE SO AWESOME, as are your drawings! **************************************

Raisabird said...

Super duper awesome fighter jet post!

I really love your pictures of the dogs, both of them. I especially love Simple Dog's "thoughts" They make me giggle just thinking about them. Poor sweet Helper Dog. Shepherds are such babies. I'm a vet tech and shepherds are always the inconsolable ones when they have to stay at the hospital. (I know, cos I worked overnights at my last job, and yes, some of them really DO cry all. night. long.)

Laughed just as hard the second time I read it as I did the first. Which was weeping, wheezing, dribbling urine, tummyaching, facecramp laughing.
I cannot wait to share this post with every one of my family and friends when I go visit for National Binge day next week.

Thank you so much. This post was totally worth the wait.

Kay-C said...

this is hilarious! my cat was constantly meowing when we moved from michigan to kansas. the only way we got her to stop was to let her lay on our laps so she could be petted constantly. you're awesome.

Anonymous said...

Allie, you never fail to completely make my day. A real gem, as always!

mr jp said...

Your drawings of the dogs are cute!

However, this also reminds me why I would never get dogs as pets. Urgh.

KJC said...

Can't...breathe...laughing so hard. That was worth the wait! It made my day after driving around with a broken window in my car, being bombarded by safety glass shrapnel. And I got glass in my burrito.

Erica said...

I was just asked to read your blog with my office door closed when no one is around - the laughter is too much

Kat Wojo said...

I don't even know who you are but saw the link to this post on a friend's facebook & I laughed the entire time I was reading it :). I love the pics!!

Aussie said...

Do you realize that you make me explode with joy and hilarity?

Jannarama, aka Jann H Schott said...

My daughter told me about your update...between snorts of laughter! I now see why. Thank you for the laughs! I needed this tonight.

Jill Wiswall said...

Oh no, you poor things-all of you!

And, I love your drawings of your dogs-why haven't we met the helper dog before?

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Oregon! Sorry for the rain and all that. It gets better around July.

Cheerio!

Elli said...

Argh, my cheeks! Argh, my poor stomach! I laughed so hard I am in pain lol
That was bloody brilliant! So worth the wait, Love it =D

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain ... well, to some degree at least.

I have Smart Cat, who will one day take over the world if she ever grows opposable thumbs, and Bimbo Cat who is so very very pretty, but is about as sharp as a bowling ball.

I've had to take them places in the car, but fortunately nowhere near as long a journey as you had with your dogs. I would go mad. A few hours was bad enough. When the travel basket comes out, Bimbo Cat starts wailing like someone is trying to murder her. I'm convinced she's literally screaming for help, or wailing for mercy that we will spare her life. This wailing/screaming/crying/howling continues NON-STOP until we arrive at our destination ... where she usually either pees all over the basket and herself, or she vomits everywhere. She then requires about 24 hours of my total, constant, and undivided attention or else she completely loses her already frail grip on reality and starts tearing around the house like it's a feline NASCAR track.

Smart Cat, on the other hand, sits quietly in her travel basket giving "death glares" alternately to Bimbo Cat (I swear the look says "Oh for f*#$'s sake! STFU already!!") and her stupid humans (ie: me and hubby) for bringing Bimbo Cat.

Your drawings so perfectly capture the essence of confused dogs. You are a genius.

Elizabeth
Sydney, Australia.

ジョーイ・エドワーズ said...

I will NEVER read your blog again...when I am recovering from an upper respiratory infection. I truly thought I was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen when I couldn't stop thinking about my pitiful black lab...she is also simple.

Anonymous said...

I think I might have just peed myself.

Sana said...

Best part has to be the dog discovering the snow. Too awesome!

Sam said...

So glad to see you up and running again. As I suspected, this post was definitely worth waiting for! I hope you, Duncan and the dogs have at least semi-recovered from your move. And welcome to Oregon - they're predicting the first big snow storm of the year this weekend, so better warn the dogs now!

Karadactyl said...

your illustrations are, as usual, amazing! My boyfriend and I were laughing for about 5 minutes at the picture of poor helper dog flopping across the floor to her bowl before we could continue reading!

Also, I wanted to tell you that you are definitely getting very close to achieving your goal of becoming SUPREME RULER OF THE INTERNET because before I even saw the update e-mail, my boyfriend was reading Reddit and he was like "hey look at this, new Hyperbole and a Half" Sooooooo yeah, YOU ARE LIKE FAMOUS AND SHIT! oops....sorry....i swore ;)

Casandra JEan said...

i have experienced this with both dogs AND cats. you speak volumes of truth!!

Mayumi said...

If your two dogs mated, they would birth my dog, I swear.

MOV said...

You rock. Now, imagine everything you just said, but with a CAT. A crazy possessed cat who thinks she needs to lay on the dashboard of the U-haul truck but then dart around at important driving moments (moments like merging on the freeway). Next, imagine cat peeing on you. You will not get your U-haul deposit back.
http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com
loveya, MOV

Ashwin said...

I....wow. You are incredible. I loved this post.

Anonymous said...

Omg this is amazing! You need to have this published, made into a play, then made into a movie. Awesome post!

Sky said...

A new post always cheers up my crappy day. A post this hilarious may very well give me flat abs from the laughing. I seriously had to put this one down and try to breath so I didn't pass out... twice.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

So funny....illustrations are perfect

Lori said...

I think the lava swim fin frame is my favorite thing I've ever seen on the internet (this month at least anyway)(or this year...)(I like it a lot is what i'm saying) and I love this story of your dogs. Poor helper dog!

Manic Pixie Dream Girl said...

Laughed till I cried, again. You are brilliant.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kym & Dustin said...

Your dog drawings made me and mu husband laugh so much! Ur awesome

Teka Lynn said...

Welcome to Oregon! I hope your dogs have settled down.

Rowan Wilde said...

Shaking and crying with laughter, this was brilliant, well done!

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! NEW POST!!!!

Jenni said...

Had you not illustrated the beginning of your post with a person wearing a pair of "swim fins," I would have had no clue what they were. I probably could have used context cllues to decipher the code, but luckily for me there was no need. I don't know if it is a Soutehrn thing or a me thing, but I have always called them "flippers." And by always, I mean perhaps once or twice in my 27 years. So thank you. Also, I am unsure if you actually read all of your infinite comments, (because I'm sure that would be exhausting - my brief perusal of the first few warranted some exaggerated feelings of anger toward your minions who asked questions that you had previously answered in your post) but if you do, I'd like you to know that I recently found your blog, and I think you are funnier than the hypothetical love child of Sarah Silverman and the late Mitch Hedberg. And that would be one funny mofo.

Heather H. said...

Haha! Silly dogs. :P

karen marie said...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I hope the dogs are feeling better.

Alesia Holliday said...

This is absolutely hilarious. I just moved to Japan from Florida (TWO plane rides for my neurotic pug). Even two floors up in the Seattle airport, I could still hear her howling in her airplane-approved dog crate. We've been here a month and a half and she only last week began to allow me to get more than 6 inches out of her sight.

Anonymous said...

Your lulz making skills are truly unmatched. I LOL'd IRL... profusely.

Julie Hedlund said...

OMG I almost wet my pants laughing! Thanks for making my day!!

Page said...

I laughed so hard I peed a little. Also, I think your art is improving well.

Anonymous said...

YAAEEY! THE GROUND IS ALL WEIRD! I'M A DOG!

Anonymous said...

That was so beyond epic. I am crying I cannot stop laughing. iloveyou.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard, tears streamed down my face and my jaw hurts!

Sara said...

YAY NEW POST! :D
Hilarious as always :P

Haley said...

THIS IS THE BEST POST EVER

Anonymous said...

lol. Love the post. The combination that dogs have, of having such human personalities with such a limited degree for logic and understanding always makes for such... entertaining experiences, when it comes to something like moving.

Have you always had Helper Dog her whole life, or was she adopted as a grownpup? Especially if she was a pound hound, I can imagine that she might have some abandonment issues or a bad experience previously, which would make her reaction kind of understandable. Even so, change is very stressful for a creature that isn't really capable of more than the most basic "this happened, and then this happened" logic, and it isn't like we can explain it to them.

Just ignore the sulking and treat her as normally as you did previously, and she'll pick up on your confidence and normalness and be fine in a week or so. If you baby her too much you'll wind up with a separation-anxiety furbaby, and that is NOT good.

nonnie9999 said...

so hilarious and so wonderful!

Beta Dad said...

Brilliant post! I'm so glad you posted again. Every time you write about your dogs, it makes me feel better about my one completely retarded and emotionally disturbed behemoth.

Enjoy Bend! Say hi to my parents.

sunnyknowswhereyoulive said...

I looked at a dog once. Good times...

Anonymous said...

Yep, back to funny!

KodaBear said...

Your blog is so eerily true of dogs when it comes to moving! I moved only 15 miles away from my previous home and my little dog wouldn't leave my side for almost a week straight. And now whenever he sees bags/suitcases, his anxiety level is through the roof. And it really is kind of amazing how well a toy or ball can solve everything!

lyn said...

I love how the simple dog likes to think of helicopters. I think I may have more in common with the simple dog than I previously thought.

Listen, I am recently married, and as such my uterus has become a popular topic of public discussion. Everyone wants to know when I'm having kids. I don't really know about that. Babies are smelly, and dangerous. I mean, have you ever known anybody who had a baby and DIDN'T eventually die? I didn't think so.

What I am trying to get at, poorly, is that I realize that this post's intention is NOT to instill feelings of warmth, love, and emotion in me about dogs. This post's intention is to cause me to roll on the floor spastically, unable to breathe. Which it DID do! Success!

But it also made me want to rush out and get a dog immediately. Oh, god. They are so cute. Even when dumb. Sooooooooo CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE.

OaBy said...

Hilarious!

superbalanced said...

My wife and I laughed so hard we cried. Thanks!

KodaBear said...

And by the way, saw from twitter that you're engaged! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

patrick said...

Laughing my butt off!

Laurie said...

I now want a dog and I don't even really like dogs.
Your picturs are cuter than 977 fat babies.

Jenna said...

Oh that was hilAIRIOUS.

Ashley @ Nourishing the Soul said...

Awesome! My two cats had to endure an interstate move a few weeks ago and they still haven't forgiven me.

Farrel said...

This...Is hysterical. Especially the flopping dogfish. I'm on my merry way back to my blog to favorite you riiight...Now.

Doglover said...

This is too stinking funny! We moved from Phoenix to Atlanta with one dog, then from Atlanta to Chicago with two dogs. I feel lucky it was relatively uneventful!

Tamara from Delish Mag said...

OMG. Brilliant, totally brilliant. I snorted several times...and I also cringed, recalling moving from Los Angeles to Vancouver, BC in a very long drive with our dog Duane...while I was four months pregnant. Can you say, sucker for punishment?!

Sarah @ Doormouse Doodles said...

You have such an amazing knack for storytelling! Couple that with your hilarious illustrations, and I've gotten my ab workout for the week. Well done! So excited to see a new post!! :)

Nancy said...

Thank you so much, Ally... I was literally crying from laughter. In fact, I read the post in spurts because I wanted to savor every moment! Hang in there with the pups.... and keep writing, you're brilliant!

Alyson C said...

CRYING with laughter XD

Cam C-W said...

Allie, you don't even understand how much I appreciate this. Your dogs are just separate forms of my dog.

Jacob said...

I mean, yes, okay, this was hilarious. But you guys are terrible dog parents.

You should never have moved into a place where you might have any kind of problem with scratches from dog nails. Instead of fixing it IMMEDIATELY you made it their problem by further inducing psychological torment by putting BOOTIES on their feet for DAYS on end.

Bottom line: those dogs should be given to people who actually, um, KNOW something about dogs.

Ursula said...

Lollasaurus Rex. My hamster did the same thing. He ran himself anorexic on his wheel until the move was complete. Cheers!

Raisabird said...

I can hear tinkling and rattling noises like baby toys in the background of Simple Dog's thoughts.
(Except when there's a helicopter.)

Anonymous said...

You make my day every time you make a new post.
Thanks alot

5-0 said...

Haha! I like the blurry sprinting dogs picture. You're funny.

Cheese Face said...

I lol'd

Anonymous said...

This was GREAT!

Lara Appelhans said...

I can't breathe for laughing... without a doubt one of the funniest things I've ever read!

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I came across this from Reddit...um and couldnt stop laughing!!! Now my dog and my boyfriend are looking at me like I am crazy.

The bootie scene was priceless =)

TKchan said...

If I ever die (yes, if. I haven't decided whether or not I want to) I hope it's from laughing so hard at your blog posts.

-E

Shauna Place said...

Allie, I'm stuck on you guys stopping in Umatilla for the night. Why? My memories of Umatilla consist of a broken down vehicle during a road trip from Portland to visit my grandmother in Idaho Falls with my sister and our then 1 and 2 year old children. Of course, they are now in the 11th and 12th grades, so it was a long time ago. But I just remember Umatilla as a vacant, lonely place. Although our mechanic had a very interesting name: Hap E. Ness and was very charming.

Oh, and about the dogs...we moved to Tillamook from Portland this summer and there are animals here. Wild ones. Deer. Racoons. Coyotes. Skunk. Bunnies. Cows. More cows than people, actually. But, the dog is scared to death of all of them. Won't go out after dark. Stands at the back door and whimpers. Not a tiny little dog. A 60 lb Aussie, with all his testosterone producing, aggression inducing parts. He's even scared of the bunnies. I don't understand...

Come visit. We have cheese here. And the Ocean. Lighthouses. Farmers. Did I mention the cows? It's only three hours from Bend. Best ice-cream in the world. And a Fred Meyers (if you haven't been to Freddies in Bend yet, then get thyself there now). Also, you must eat at a Burgerville and have the Mocha Perk Shake. Go visit Crater Lake and the Oregon Vortex. Dunes national park and the Lava Cast forest and Obsidian Fields...Portland. Always Portland. The food and beers are fantastic.

Kaffedamen said...

Hahaha, brilliant! You captured the dogs perfectly!

My dog is somewhat similar to helper dog, and she was at a loss the first year after she came here. After three years, she´s still not certain living in an apartment is a good thing, spending the first four years of her life in a small farm, and that anything moving outside must be a hugh threat. Her coping method is to hide under the table in the living room. I guess she figures noone will find her there. Although it´s a glass table.

Anonymous said...

I loooooved this! Your blogs always make me laugh until I am crying! Keep up the amazing work!

PunsKillPeople said...

Oh my god I laughed so hard I think I blew out a lung. My neighbors all think there's something horribly wrong with me now, cackling like a crazy woman at one in the morning. I hope you're happy, because I know I sure am.

john q said...

that was funny.

bonniejake said...

Thank you so much for not becoming a doctor.

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