Dogs Don't Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.  


I know this because my boyfriend Duncan and I moved from Montana to Oregon last month.  But as harrowing as the move was for us, it was nothing compared to the confusion and insecurity our two dogs had to endure.  

Our first dog is - to put it delicately - simple-minded.  Our other dog is a neurotic German shepherd mix with agonizingly low self-esteem who has taken on the role of "helper dog" for our simple dog.  Neither dog is well-equipped with coping mechanisms of any kind.  

When we started packing, the helper dog knew immediately that something was going on.  I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty.  She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.     


When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed.  Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos.  The simple dog remained unfazed. 


Unfortunately for the helper dog, it took us nearly a week to get everything packed up.  By the time we were ready to begin the first part of our two-day journey to Oregon, she seemed almost entirely convinced that she was going to die at any moment.  She spent the entire car ride drooling and shaking uncontrollably.  


But the simple dog seemed to enjoy the trip. 


Even though she threw up seven times. 


She actually seemed to like throwing up.  To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food.  I was less excited about the discovery because it turned my dog into a horrible, vomit-making perpetual motion machine.  Whenever I heard her retch in the backseat, I had to pull over as quickly as possible to prevent her from reloading her stomach and starting the whole cycle over again.  

But as far as the simple dog was concerned, it was the best, most exciting day of her life.  


It wasn't until we stopped for the night in Umatilla that the simple dog became aware that there was any reason for her to feel anxious.  But at around two o'clock in the morning, the simple dog finally realized that something was different and maybe she should be alarmed.


This particular dog is not anywhere near the gifted spectrum when it comes to solving problems.  In fact, she has only one discernible method of problem solving and it isn't even really a method. 


But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, the simple dog did not understand this concept and she went right ahead and made an interminable amount of noise that was just invasive enough to make sleeping impossible. 

After an hour of failed attempts at comforting the simple dog, her constant, high-pitched emergency-distress-signal became a huge problem.  

I tried to communicate my displeasure to the simple dog, but communicating with the simple dog usually goes like this:


She was going to make that sound forever if she felt it was necessary.  We tried everything from spooning her to locking her in the bathroom, but none of it was even the slightest bit effective.  



The simple dog made the noise all through the night and was still going strong the next morning. When we were loading the dogs into the car, the constant, high-pitched sound emanating from the simple dog finally broke the helper dog.  The helper dog wailed in anguish, which alarmed the simple dog.  In her surprise, the simple dog let out a yelp, which further upset the helper dog.  And so it continued in a wretched positive-feedback loop of completely unnecessary noise.


When we finally arrived at our new house, the dogs had calmed down considerably.  Unfortunately, it had snowed the night before and there was still snow on our front lawn, and that was enough to catapult both dogs back into hysteria.  

The simple dog had either never experienced snow or she'd forgotten that she knew what it was, because when we let her out of the car, she walked around normally for about seven seconds, then she noticed the snow and her feeble little mind short-circuited.


At first, the simple dog was excited about the snow.  She started prancing around the yard like she was the star of a one-dog parade - her recent personal crisis overshadowed by a haze of enthusiasm. 


The prancing turned to leaping and the leaping turned to running chaotically in stupid little circles. Then she just stopped and stared at the ground.  There was a visible shift in her demeanor as she realized that she didn't understand snow and it was everywhere and she should probably be scared of it. She started making the noise again. 


Not surprisingly, the helper dog interpreted the snow as a sign of her imminent demise.  But she was so exhausted from worrying about all of the other signs of her demise that she just gave up and accepted her death.  She peered up at us, half-buried in the snow.  Her eyes were filled with pain and helplessness, as if she thought we had summoned the snow for the sole purpose of making her sad.


We decided that it would probably be best to bring the dogs inside.  

As a condition for allowing us to have dogs in our rental house, our landlady made us promise that we wouldn't let the dogs scratch the wood floors.  We didn't anticipate it being a problem because it hadn't been in the past, but as soon as our dogs set foot in the house, they morphed into perfectly engineered floor-destroying machines.  They started sprinting as fast as they could for absolutely no reason - skittering around in circles to avoid running into the walls.  


We finally corralled them in the bedroom and shut the door to give ourselves a little time to regroup and come up with a plan.  Until we could get some rugs or convince the dogs that it was unnecessary to sprint around chaotically for no reason, we would need to find some way to prevent them from scratching the floors.  What we ended up doing was going to the pet store and buying two sets of sled dog booties. It was the only way.

It is easy to imagine that a dog who has recently experienced a dramatic upheaval of its formerly safe and predictable life might not react well to suddenly having strange objects attached to all four of its feet.  This was most definitely the case with the booties.

The helper dog panicked and started trying to rip the booties off with her teeth. 


I scolded her and she reacted as if I'd ruined her entire life. 


But at least her immobilizing self-pity kept her from chewing the booties off.

The simple dog just stood there and looked at me in a way that would suggest she didn't realize her legs still worked.


They had to wear the booties for two days.  Those two days were filled with the most concentrated display of overemotional suffering I have ever witnessed.  The simple dog spent most of her time standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered and hurt and the helper dog refused to walk, instead opting to flop her way around the house like a dying fish.  


The entire ordeal was punctuated by the simple dog's high-pitched confusion alarm. 

We were beginning to think that our dogs were permanently broken. Nothing we did helped at all to convince the dogs that we had only changed houses and our new house was not, in fact, some sort of death-camp and we weren't actually planning on killing them to fulfill an organ harvest ritual.  Despite our best efforts, they continued to drift around in a sea of confusion and terror, pausing only to look pitiful. 

But while we were unpacking, we found a squeaky toy that was given to us as a gift shortly before we moved.  We offered the toy to the dogs.  This may have been a mistake. 

Upon discovering that the toy squeaked when it was compressed forcefully, the simple dog immediately forgot that she'd ever experienced doubt or anxiety ever in her life.  She pounced on the toy with way more force than necessary, over and over and over.  The logic behind her sudden change in outlook was unclear.   


But at least she was happy again. 

2,471 comments:

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caterpillar said...

Very, very funny...I think the simple dog reminds me of my dog....

sarah marie soulsong said...

my favorite posts ever are always the ones about your dogs. for one, there's not many more things i love than dogs and two, your drawings of them are always always spot-on. from the faces to the way they contort their bodies. straight hilarious. i love it.

rainingqueen said...

I laughed so hard, I cried. It was beautiful and bewildering. I may also have made high pitched 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' noises.

aim said...

HAHAHAHA! I was literally LAUGHING through the whole thing. The simple minded dog is exactly like my dog, kind of looks like my dog too! You said a while back that you think you reached your peak(or something like that) but this just as good if not better than the last ones!

Hilary Pfeifer said...

Welcome to Oregon!! Just wanted to chime in and say that I have also been having annoying problems with Blogger (considering switching both blogs to Tumblr) and also that there's an interesting video streaming on Netflix about dogs and their noises and communication that you might like. (I watched it last night) Your dogs are going to love living in Bend so hang in there!

Anonymous said...

i had just finished eating a TON of pizza when i read this, and i had to keep pausing after every paragraph because i was laughing so hard and i couldn't handle the stomach cramps it was causing because i was so full.

that is to say, this was amazing!

Anonymous said...

Fabulous as always! I'm so glad your drawings were saved in the great Blogger disaster of 23 hours ago, they were brilliant - perfectly captured dog-isms :)

Love your work!

Anonymous said...

Fabulous as always! I'm so glad your drawings were saved in the great Blogger disaster of 23 hours ago, they were brilliant - perfectly captured dog-isms :)

Love your work!

Gemmapree said...

This was amazing. Thank you again, Allie. Your posts make me laugh so hard! I hope you get to spend the rest of your adult life drawing comics and writing stories. I will read.

Tana said...

Welcome to the Pacific Northwest!

You're neighbor to the north of you,

Me

Mychael said...

This post made my day!!! MORE MORE MORE PLEASE!

It made the boyfriend think that there is something VERY wrong with me!

Trevor said...

Thank God you're back, Allie. Wonderful post.

Emilia Torre said...

I love it! You are amazing! Did the other dog get any better?

Tana said...

Oh my god, I typed "you're" for "your"

FFS.

Kate W. said...

You definitely need to put out a "Lava + Swim fins = No" t-shirt with that picture on it!

I think I know a dozen people who would wear it tomorrow, and I am a hermit.

Please, please, please...

Julie said...

brilliant, just brilliant ... oh, and there's two things i'm never doing - one is having dogs and the other is moving house ... I'm not that much in need of blog fodder :)

Cynthia (It All Changes) said...

Oh no. We have to move in the spring and our dogs can't handle going on vacation for a week. Lord help us when we move houses.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh-- this was amazing!! I really shouldn't read your posts when I'm in my law school, though. I can't keep from laughing, but I try to stay quiet at the same time, and release the laughter that's building up inside of me through silent snickering... this never works, and I explode with a massive hysterical cackle that pretty much destroys any attempt at normalcy. Thank you so much!!

A Girl Called Woo said...

That. Was awesome. My borrowed wife and I have enjoyed your story, thoroughly. Congrats on your move! I live in NYC, but my parents have a place in Bend. If ever I get out there again, allow me, please, to buy you and Duncan beer. (they usually lock me up when I visit out of jealousy and empty-nestness, so I might have to drug them, first.)

Anthony said...

These are just like my two dogs Shadow and lilly! Shadow get very nervous if something is different. Lilly is... absent minded and like to chew on shadow's ear. Best post EVEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I honestly laughed so hard I got close to passing out. You are one of the funniest people on the internet and deserve something totally awesome for being so great.

bureaucratist said...

Great great stuff.

You're actually totally right about canine problem-solving. There was a recent scholarly study in which wolves (the ancestors of dogs) and dogs were given simple tasks to perform, along the lines of turning over a see-through box with food underneath. The wolves, by and large, figured it out with no problem. The dogs, by and large, stood there and barked and looked around until someone came to help them get the food. The theory was that dogs have evolved such highly developed social skills--namely, getting people to do things for them--that intelligence became less of an adaptive advantage, and so has withered away. And in my experience of dogs this is entirely accurate.

David said...

HILARIOUS! This post totally turned my really stressful day around. I could write more, but what else to say? Thank you so much, Allie.

Maria said...

I'm pretty sure, in another life, I was Simple Dog.

Allie said...

My dogs are crazy, too! I have a Beagle who whines when he is scared/angry/hungry/tired/awake and a mini dachshund who is a kindred spirit with your special dog. The post captured the neuroses of dogs PERFECTLY! Keep up the awesome work!

JenBerry said...

Thanks for a great laugh! This one was a laugh out load post, quite literally. Love dogs and I love how you depict yours :)

Tyler said...

Uhhh... having spent quite a bit of time in Bend myself, you should be aware that you just moved to a place with LOTS of lava. So avoid the swim fins.

Sarah said...

These are my dogs. Mine are both German Shepherd mixes though.

I have a "simple" dog who, although he does get emotional when my dad is not right next to him, he doesn't mind anything else. Oh, and he throws up in the car.

And I have a "helper" dog - who really just helps us by "yelling" / barking / snarling at simple dog when he does "bad" things - like beg for food and sit on people's laps.

Laura said...

I am CRYING WITH LAUGHTER, and my throat seems to want to only make WHEEZING NOISES. I thought I was having an asthma attack reading this. I don't have asthma. Congratulations on making me have to stuff my fist in my mouth, so as not to wake anyone. I love you. <3

Lynnette said...

It takes a LOT for me to laugh out loud, and reading about helper dog's and simple dog's big adventure moving was priceless! Way too funny.

Peaceful Pandemonium said...

YAY! I'm so glad you're back. Awesome post :)

Cath said...

This reached a new level of awesomeness. I love you. :)

miranda said...

LOOOOL you've made my day
i have a dog and i'm pretty sure she has to be just as simple as your "simple one" with the eeeeeeeeeeee and complete lack of logic
this was brilliance :)
thanks for posting!

Anonymous said...

Oh my! I could not stop laughing .. and the dogs started to think there was a problem ... eeeeeee!!!!

Seriously though, I know the look your simple dog had with booties. My long haired dog gets snow frozen in her pads and then the skin cuts/cracks. So I got her booties ... she felt that her feet were gone! Trying to move was this act of supreme herculean effort, and I couldn't stop laughing.

Thank you for making my terrible, no good, very bad day better. :)

Laurie said...

Our simple dog also decided that the wood floors were going to kill her so she proceeded to try to walk on them on tippy-toe making her slip and slide and confirm her fear of death. The cherry on top is when she is trying so hard not to slip and slide that she poops.

And then slips and slides in her poop.

Kelly said...

Love this. My freak chihuahua thought the snow was attacking him the first time he stepped in. He ended up walking on his 2 front paws. Like I said, freak.

Erica said...

You are so funny. Thank you for your blog!

lex [lexinthecity] said...

I have a feeling Simple Dog is related to Dug from the movie Up. SQUIRREL!

Anonymous said...

I almost threw up from laughing. Never doubt your capability of writing hilarious posts because they honestly are all amazing and brighten up my mood! I also know the feeling of having a huge confused dog that decides making yelping noises will eventually fix the problem. LOL

M said...

Hilarious! :D "She actually seemed to like throwing up. To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food."
Welcome to Oregon!

Sandy said...

I have tears running out of my eyes. Seriously. That is The Best One Yet.

I have to go lie down now.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

These really were your best drawings ever. I think the dogs are your muses.

Helper Dog melting in the snow and flopping towards the dish made me sit and laugh repeatedly.

Clearly, the dogs need their own mugs.

SSB said...

I think if you have 2 dogs they take on these personalities because this describes my dogs to a T.

Anonymous said...

Awesome post, as always. I was born in Umatilla. Wooo!

Amy said...

I hate my dog because of all the things he does but will try to love him a little more tonight seeing what you went through!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I don't have dogs but feel completely comfortable associating these characteristics to children instead. By the way, who is this Duncan fellow, and what happened to Boyfriend?

Anonymous said...

Now I have to track you down again? D:<

Friolief said...

I WAS CRYING WITH TEARS WHILE READING THIS.

Anonymous said...

Awesome, we all had a good laugh! We moved last week with our 138 pound dog who refused to cross ANY threshhold and required two adults to lift him back into the car after each potty break. Sigh. :)

Firefly Haven said...

Tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Very difficult to keep a straight face during the last ten minutes of work. Great way to end a bad day. Thank you.

strud said...

I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I couldn't breathe. You are the BEST!

Ben said...

hahaha too funny, you have such a way with words this story is just so crackup!

Anonymous said...

i love it. i laughed so hard. thanks you [;

The Mama said...

Seriously? I'm cracking up over here!

elpi said...

Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it a lot. .such adorable dogs! I love the sense of it

Sarah J.G. said...

I laughed, I cried, I had a coughing fit, which scared both my simple dog and my smarter dog. We all love you. And we all hate moving.

Janine Dietz said...

I almost died laughing. I have a lazy dog and a neurotic dog but they both shake uncontrollably in the car. You made my day.

Sarah J.G. said...

PS--Please put the dogs on t-shirts.

Siobhan said...

Hahahaha, I laughed the WHOLE way through this! Quite glad no one else was home, they would have thought I was crazy.

Alison said...

ALLIE. I AM IN TEARS. I LOVE YOU.

Sarah said...

I was literally rolling around on my bed, screaming with laughter and kicking my legs while reading this. You're too good at what you do! Keep it up!!

kim said...

thank you sooo much i really needed this today! i love the first pic it is one of your best i think, great colors. well worth the wait. i hope the unpacking goes smooth and the dogs adapt finally, or maybe i don't if you get another good post out of the dysfunction ;)

Anonymous said...

This is the most amazing thing that has happened to me in days. I got in a car accident (very minor, but traumatizing nonetheless) yesterday, but this makes it all better. Seriously, this made me cry copious giggling-hysterically tears.

Bryn said...

Oh man, I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard, AGAIN.

I <3 simple dog...

Anonymous said...

That was awesome i laughed til i hiccupped!!!

Lulu Caribou said...

Oh Allie, I love you so! Especially when you write about (well it's mostly the drawings that do it for me, although the writing makes me laugh like mad too) the dogs.

It makes me so very pleased that you now also live in the state that I live in :)

Amanda said...

Read this as I was working my job as a librarian at the reference desk of an extremely busy library. I laughed so hard that I was in hysterics at the desk. Everyone could see.

Alliteration is Awesome said...

This is oddly similar to my moving experience a few years ago with bewildered children. Apparently, an infant and a young child with Down Syndrome do not handle change well in the slightest.

Brilliant post!

Lulu Caribou said...

also, fyi, I just had a really shitty afternoon, and this made it all better plus some!

MK said...

Every time I read one of your posts I go through a similar version of the emotional panic spiral as the simple dog - squeaky-toy glee that I get to read it coupled with an overwhelming sensation of impending doom knowing it will, in time, end, and I will, once again, be checking the site 17 times a day for a new post like a stalker.

J9 said...

I hope helper dog has recovered and/or is on puppy prozac.

dog lover said...

i don't know you, but you. are. AMAZING.

WARHAWK said...

WHY DONT YOU HAVE A SHOW ON TV YET?! THIS POST WAS EPICLY EPIC WITH A DOSE OF EPICNESS!!!

mindy said...

I love this! I have three dogs, one who has had to wear booties in the past, and you have captured their dogness.

I laughed so hard! Thank you for brightening my day!

terrah said...

this sounds like my cross country moving trip, except I have 6 naughty, high pitched screaming dogs.

Kelly said...

Thank you for making my night! I'm convinced you need to make this into a picture book...it's brilliant! I had tears running down my face! :) It's all so so true.

Valerie said...

Like everyone else: you have me in tears. This is awesome. As usual. I hope you stop worrying about making the next post more awesome than the previous, because the secret is they are ALL AMAZINGLY AWESOME and I don't think you could screw it up if you tried.

So there.

Brianne Nurse said...

The wait? Was SO WORTH IT. This made me laugh so hard I'm STILL crying ten minutes later!

Devyn Dunlap said...

OMG, I'm crying and my stomach hurts from laughing so much. I feel like I'm going to throw up, but it's totally worth it. Glad you're back!

Jennifer said...

i could be sick i was laughing so hard. you know, the laughing so hard it turns into the "ugly cry"! i've always wished i could read my own "simple dog's" mind, and i think i just did. brilliant!

QuiteaCommonFairy said...

I have two dogs EXACTLY like yours (Charlie = helper dog, Pixie = simple dog) and this made me laugh so hard I blew snot out of my nose...

Anonymous said...

My hamster died today. Then I read this post and cheered up considerably. One day when I've mustered up enough emotional energy to own another pet, ima get a pet with a longer life span...like a dog. (but im allergic to dogs. so maybe a chinchilla or cat)
anyway, thank you for making my day a little bit better.

Michelle said...

These are some of your best drawings ever! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for yet another amazing post, Allie.
And I can definitely relate to this one. My dog used to make that squeaky noise, too, when he was confused. XD

Mika aka Xeyli said...

I haven't even finished reading this entry, but I already love it! Such an epic post! It's great to have you back, Allie. I'll probably comment again, because I haven't finished reading it... just had to post and say thanks for the awesome entry.

Tropical Thinker said...

Bwahahahaha! Awesome!

It kinda reminds me of a few people. I'd rather deal with animals than people at times.

Joleen said...

I love your blog, you're hilarious! My cats were similarly bizarrely behaved when we moved house.

Nena said...

Your dogs remind me of my cat. Except, all I have to do is present him with a hairtie. Hairties cure all problems in the world.

Espressabeth said...

Can you marry a post?

Anonymous said...

I love your posts! I've never had the misfortune of moving with dogs, but an old cat of ours would mewl so pathetically every time it went in the car. Imagine me, a 13-year old kid, holding a blanket with random black and white legs sticking out randomly, and all you can hear is "meowwwwwwwwwww" really really quietly over and over again.

Saraphema said...

as usual absolutely hilarious... can you follow me around and make my life more funny for me????

Chelsea said...

ALLIE! I've had a rough couple of days and your simple dog somehow managed to fix that. Thanks for making me laugh so hard I EEEEEE'd for a hour after. <3

Matt said...

You made my day by making me cry from laughter. The curled arms of anguish never fail to make me burst into an uncontrollable fit of hilarity. Thank you :D

Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!! LOVE IT!!

Dutch said...

This post just made my day 5000x better! I think it's one of the best I've read so far.

Rachel Blackman said...

I am suddenly extremely glad that my move this past summer was only within a city. I was able to take the dog over to the new house many times during the pre-move phase, so there was a minimal (but non-zero) amount of canine alarm and distress involved.

I still didn't sleep too well that first night, mind you.

ribbonhappy said...

You are amazing! This is amazing! AMAZING!

Erin said...

I totally should send you cake. I live in Vancouver, WA.

ginger said...

I've been reading your blog for a short time and love it!

If you posted a new entry every 45 minutes, it wouldn't be too often :)

Haley Alt said...

This made me so happy, I don't even know what to do with myself.

Heidi and Christian said...

I cannot stop laughing.

Stephanie said...

This was so hilarious!

Sarah said...

I'm reading this at work and freaking DYING of laughter.

. . .which wouldn't be so bad, except I work in a library.

Oh well.

Congrats on the new house!

Francine said...

Crying with laughter at my desk again. While I realise it is a truly horrid experience, moving with a pet, I love the way you tell stories. I can hear the sound Simple Dog makes... :)

Kate said...

I love when you talk about your dogs. I have a very bad dog and I had to move him across the country this summer. He only weighed seven pounds at the time so he had to have a car seat, which he spent the 3000 miles alternately eating and pooping on out of spite.

Kate said...

I love when you talk about your dogs. I have a very bad dog and I had to move him across the country this summer. He only weighed seven pounds at the time so he had to have a car seat, which he spent the 3000 miles alternately eating and pooping on out of spite.

Kate said...

I love when you talk about your dogs. I have a very bad dog and I had to move him across the country this summer. He only weighed seven pounds at the time so he had to have a car seat, which he spent the 3000 miles alternately eating and pooping on out of spite.

Anonymous said...

This is among the funniest things I have ever seen in my entire life. Thanks to you, my eyes are watering and my stomach muscles are sore. I hope you're happy! (I seriously am - this was a total bright spot in what has been a slightly crappy day - thank you.)

rachael petsoff said...

LMAO! reminds me of my puppy!!

Sarah L said...

I am laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face! Thank you for making my day!

Anonymous said...

Hysterical, as usual. I lost it at the booties. I have one teeny request, though, if it's applicable (maybe it's not): pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease don't ever feel obligated by your growing fame to make your drawings more detailed or realistic or more complex—your (paradoxically) crude realism is what makes them the most hilarious drawings in the world!

MyStolenDream said...

Gosh, I would really hate to have those dogs..but you make them look adorable anyway :D

Ashli said...

You make me laugh like a retard with every single post.

Welcome to Oregon!

Can Opener Boy said...

yea for snow before thanksgiving!

when can we buy a t-shirt with you running away from lava in swim fins?

j. said...

Thanks to you, I now know what it feels like for bananas and GrapeNuts to shoot into my nasal cavity.

:D

In Line Waiting said...

Haha! Loved the post!
You should write a post about waiting in lines - hysterical things happen! I saw this one website that was all about waiting in lines and it was pretty funny (www.inlinewaiting)

In Line Waiting said...

Haha! Loved the post!
You should write a post about waiting in lines - hysterical things happen! I saw this one website that was all about waiting in lines and it was pretty funny (www.inlinewaiting)

Elf said...

Laughed till I cried! [I SO recognize the dog behaviors.] Thanks!

Anonymous said...

LMAO
Oh jesus somebody call Ceasar Milan!

Jay said...

At the beginning, I thought this was going to turn into a flashback of you trying to run from lava while wearing swim fins, but then it didn't. I love all of the drawings on this. They made me so happy!

TheMightiestMuffin said...

Ahhhhhahahahhahahahahahhahahahahha!!!

Ohmyword! My dog is like your helper dog! Surprisingly he's a German Shepherd cross! :O Ohmyword you're an inspiration! Your comics have given me the courage to fulfill my dream as a full-time doodler/cartoonist. You're the best!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

If I had enough room in my little work corner, I'd have been rolling on the floor laughing. Instead, I thrashed in my chair like I was having a seizure.

I love your dogs. And you. Thanks for the post! I needed a laugh.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post!! You're brilliant!!

Allie said...

OMG, I needed this today, thank you so much! My small son is on Day 2 of nap striking and my thought processes are much like your tard dog's: triangle hummus circle circle deathstar gamma ray rectangle green line loop de loop... next stop, loony bin.

Bramble said...

Awesome sauce! And waaaaaaay better than studying for a lab practical, though I'm a little concerned still for helper dog.

Nicole said...

I am very sorry your move was so difficult, but hopefully it will lift your spirits that I found your post absolutely hilarious ^^

Gi-Gi Roxx said...

Love IT! Great stuff. You really have talent with words.

Amanda said...

I don't know if it's the alcohol, this hilars post, or a combo of both, but I may have just peed myself from laughing.

Nope, definitely did.

Asilavlas said...

OMG. I haven't laughed this hard in weeks. I am currently in the process of moving and am pretty much going through the same woeful antics of utter despair with my 20.5 yr old cat. Thank you so much for making my chest hurt and my sides split. I do love the way you write.

Deborah said...

Crying laughing. My roommate just knocked on the door to see if I was okay. Please never stop writing.

Mark said...

We're moving (back) to Oregon soon, and we have profoundly stupid cats. We'll have a cacophony of utterances too.

Welcome to Oregon. It's awesome x ten.

This post was hilarious on a wonderful level.

Maddie said...

Oh Allie... This is probably one of your funniest blogs ever. I laughed at every single picture (your style is getting better and better!) and I am filled with joy. xD Oregon seems magical, hope everyone will get along okay!
P.S. There were 314 comments when I came to the page. :D #nerd

cheyenne said...

what about helper dog?! is he or she (i dont remember) still living in dying fish mode..

Anonymous said...

Laughed so hard I was crying! The drawing with the helper dog flopping around with the booties on trying to get to the food dish...priceless!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down my face at the end of this.

Shauna (Fido and Wino) said...

Too funny! Dogs are so fantastic :)

kc.ev said...

So ... a thus-far-fruitless job search is smooshing my normally effervescent personality into a pancake of sadness. Because of this blog entry, which is the funniest thing I've seen since your last blog entry, I now have the strength to continue, i.e., work on my resume some more. Thank you for your practically selfless public service.

Agent Beryllium said...

Your best yet. :)

Emm said...

AHHH! Every post just gets better and better! Keep it up Allie, <3 you!

Emmeline

Elysa said...

This is my first time reading your blog, but I must say I am bookmarking. Love it!

Dave said...

I actually went to Google and did some research on how I might nominate you for a MacArthur Grant, but as it turns out, they don't take unsolicited nominations.

It's a pity, for you are a source of unfiltered joy and merriment, and deserve hundreds of thousands of dollars, which sadly I am not in a position to give you personally.

Nerdery said...

Poor doggies...cats are even worse travelers. YAWWWWL YAAAAAAAWL (Translation: why are you putting me in this traveling death machine??)

Katie said...

Did helper dog look like this guy?

Also, I adore you. Pls post moar.

Jillian said...

<3 this so much! I have a super unbelievably spazzy dog too, and he acts very much like a perfect mix of your helper dog and simple dog, lol! I feel your pain. But we just keep on loving them, don't we? :)

Also, I understand that your genius takes time to create, but I would LOVE to see more posts! I tore through your archives in a couple of weeks. I seriously, majorly, for realz ROFL every time I read your posts. You've got me hooked! :D

Tena said...

I have followed your blog for a while and i'm always getting a good laugh... but today ... your blog absolutely brought me to tears, streaming tears. I just recently moved with my two dogs and i absolutely relate with this.

My brown dog is DEFINITELY the worrier... I got one box out and her world ended...while my other dog (who looks similar to your simple dog) was carefree and totally clueless. But what made me cry was the simple dog freaking out all night.... my care-free pup the other night spent two hours "EEEEEE-ing" letting me know he was not happy that i was not throwing the ball.. and i was about to lose it LOL.

sorry for the super long comment but i just had to comment and thank you for making my shirt wet with tears and my face sore from laughing so hard!

Jeni Poe said...

I'm pretty sure I haven't laughed that hard in a week. I love your blog.

Mika aka Xeyli said...

I'm hoping our puppy isn't as... endearing as your simple dog is. She's displayed some questionable behavior, and it's been taking us forever to get her house broken. and she can't differentiate good excitement from bad excitement. Like when the hubby was trying to get her back in the house, but she kept running between bushes and as soon as he goes through the bushes she would run back through, and on and on. He said he even threw the flashlight in her direction to try and get her attention/spook her, but no such luck.

zeoligirl said...

I can't believe I just laughed til I cried reading a friggin blog. Ha! My dog switches between those tactics... to keep me guessing? I don't know. You're a friggin genius, Allie. You captured the doggie melodrama perfectly.

Paul Chakerian said...

Did anyone else catch the (inadvertent?) Emily Dickinson reference in this post?

madge said...

Oh my god, I am crying from laughing so hard. We have a close relative of your "simple dog" and this post hits almost too close to home! sooo funny

Ariana said...

oh dogs!! love them! hilarious as always!

Lisa said...

This post was great!
Thank you so much for sharing it!
Hope the puppies are better now.

Brunella said...

I laughed 'til it hurt. Husband is considering having me committed. Being the human parent of 3 rescued canines can SO relate.

Liz said...

Allie- you are awesome.

Congrats at hanging on to what shreds of sanity you still cling to after the stress of moving without sleep and with major headaches.

Also, you are the only thing I've every read that consistantly makes me actually laugh out loud. Luckily, my husband wasn't asleep this time.

Tears were forming. Hopefully helper dog is settling in okay.

Caleb said...

Oh my god Allie. That is one of your best. The drawing of your dog in the snow is perfect.

epe said...

I can vouch for the softpaws things. They're hard to get on initially but stay on for freakin' ever.

Anonymous said...

I love this post so much I may ask it to dinner and we'll see what happens.

Sock Without A Match said...

Dear Allie,
I check your blog for new posts every day. I found this, and my heart literally fluttered out of my chest.

Here, take it.

:)

Julie said...

I laughed so hard at this I cried and also actually drooled a little bit. I am not ashamed to admit this.

Anonymous said...

My three roommates and I just read this and cried with laughter. Thank you so much.

Em said...

OMG, this is hilarious! What a great post! Love the drawings, love the story. Thanks for making my day.

Fred Miller said...

I totally want to be one of your dogs.

Geoffrey said...

Thank you Allie for making this day a little bit better. Glad you were able to finish your post after blogger decided to be evil and delete your draft!

Mrs. Lemon said...

Having three dogs, this made me laugh because I can relate. I just love your blog. :) Hope you are all settled in and the dogs have recovered.

Rachel said...

I nearly suffocated laughing so hard at this one. Seriously - I had to stop in the middle of it and take a break so my diaphragm could start functioning again.

Mew said...

This is the most awesome dog story I have ever seen, and the pictures make it that much more epic. XD

georg said...

I have devolved into a crying wheezing laughing mess. Thank you. I have been there, between the dog vomit and the cats in carriers yelling all the feline swears you can't imagine and the booties in the winter. Oy.

Vori said...

I haven't laughed this hard since that one demonic possession. THE GROUND IS ALL WEIRD! I'M A DOG! pretty much sums up all the pets I've ever had.
Very accurate. I have lived this too.

OMegaMoth said...

hahahaha! Absolutely hilarious as always! I have a dog and he's very much like Helper Dog. Its hilarious, adorable and yet pathetic at the same time.

Kelsey said...

I literally have tears streaming down my face right now. Oh my god. I love the stories of your dogs. Oh sweet baby Jesus.

bored stiff said...

reminds me of a story about my cats. it's a four-parter. go here!

YOUR BIGGEST FAN said...

My throat hurts from laughing so hard at this post. I really cannot remember when I last laughed that much. The only problem is, you should have saved it for the book.

PS - For future companion animal moves: They make Valium for dogs. And cats.

Anonymous said...

I'm crying from laughter and lost a few brain cells when I stopped breathing because I was laughing so hard.

Rhina said...

Oh.

My.

God.

That was the funniest thing ever. Seriously I laughed so hard I cried because it is all so real. And I thought moving with cats was bad....

*wipes away tears* Thank you for making my night.

cmgviking said...

I absolutely loved this post! Unfortunately, now my psychology professor thinks there is something deeply wrong with my mind that causes me to laugh irregularly for no reason.

Rain said...

I'm pretty sure people think I'm a crazy person because of how loudly and hysterically I laugh at your blog.

I think you're swell.

Morgan said...

Allie, I love you, thanks for yet another laugh!

Hope your move was successful, other than dealing with your crazy dogs! :)

Rex said...

This was hilarious, Allie. Big fans for a while, but been too lazy to leave comments. We moved almost a year ago from Oregon (used to live in Albany, south of Salem) to Arizona. We have a little Shih-Tzu that was just a barrel of fun to travel with. We rolled the move into a trip to Mexico to visit family and all was well until my wife gave him some medication from the vet he had to have to cross the border and his bowels decided it was the last stop and everyone had to get off. . . for an entire day. Hope the dogs have adjusted and welcome to Oregon! Bend is a beautiful place - hope all goes well for you. Take care.

Fred Miller said...

Dogs were food until a few hundred years ago. That's why they turned into comedians. It's hard to eat somebody who makes you smile.

AlanaMarie said...

I am currently moving with my dogs right now too, our dogs are surprisingly similar to yours.

Lynne said...

Thank you. This was one of the ten funniest things I've ever read, and not just because I've lived with two dogs. Thank you again.

Maryn said...

My day had been less than enjoyable, but this post, like so many before it, literally made me laugh out loud to the point that my own dog left her dinner to come in the room and stare at me with concern and disapproval. I love love love your blog!!!

Anonymous said...

My dog didn't eat or shit for 3 days when I moved - 2 hours away! I moved to go to vet school and he acted like I was evil. I didn't really go anywhere for a week to help calm him down. Now he loves it cuz he's the only dog around and everyone loves on him.

Mike said...

Hi. You will probabely not answer this, sinnce ther is over three hundred comment, but still: What happened of the helper dog? Is she still flopping, or did she melt on the floor?

Pamela said...

i laughed so hard my stomach thinks i'm in labor.

Anonymous said...

OMG! So worth the wait! My husband and I were truly howling with laughter!

And I think your two dogs are related to ours.

christine said...

fantastic post.
hope you are all settling in well.

Gillie said...

Allie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it sounds like your helper dog might benefit from having a helper dog of her own.

Jen said...

One of your best posts ever. I almost died laughing.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Laughed so hard I was crying. My dogs of course, are the very same. The drawings are terrific!

Jeremy Logsdon said...

I absolutely love it. Laughed 'til I cried, and then my wife asked what I was laughing about, and I yelled across the house "New hyperbole and a half post!" And then I started laughing again, because I'm picturing you yelling at geeze. *Rawr*

Okay, I'm done now.

Aleks said...

So has the Helper Dog ever found peace?

NJAngelAPN said...

I laughed my ass off at this, and when I tried to share it with my husband, I couldn't stop laughing, to the point of tears rolling down my cheeks. I think it's because my dog possesses both simple and helper-dog qualities. You're incredible.

Kathy said...

I peed myself just a tiny bit from laughing so hard.
OMG I love you and your "special" dogs :)

Amber said...

Holy crap! Simple dog is just like my dog! Love this post. Hope you love Oregon. I call it home and am super delighted. If you live in Portland, you will be VERY happy.

Fred Miller said...

You do everything you can to boost your dogs' self-esteem. Do they realize how much more detail you put into drawing them? You do what you can, I guess.

Sara said...

I think you might be underestimating the simple dog. She appears to know a lot of shapes and at least one color, and she can count to at least four.

Mary said...

lol, awesome. Laughed so hard at this one.

Christopher said...

That post was fantastic. I would love you for eternity if you made that lava man picture into a nice high res wallpaper. Maybe also a 640x960 one for my phone, too. :)

jack. said...

last month, i moved cross country with Boyfriend and two cats, stacked in cat carriers, wedged between us in the front seat of a uhaul.

although your dogs are presented in a considerably more entertaining manner, this is a fairly close description of what happened to me as well. congratulations on making it through. :)

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