The Party

At some point during my childhood, my mother made the mistake of taking me to see an orthodontist.  It was discovered that I had a rogue tooth that was growing sideways.


My mom and I were told that the tooth, if left unchecked, would completely ruin everything in my life and turn me into a horrible, horrible mutant.


Unless I wanted to spend the rest of my natural life chained in a windowless shed to avoid traumatizing the other citizens, I was going to need surgery to remove the tooth. 

I was accepting of the idea until I found out that my surgery was scheduled on the same day as my friend's birthday party.  My surgery was in the morning and the birthday party wasn't until the late afternoon, but my mom told me that I still probably wouldn't be able to go because I'd need time to recover from my surgery.  I asked her if I could go to the party if I was feeling okay.  She said yes, but told me that I probably wouldn't be feeling well and to try not to get my hopes up.  

But it was too late. I knew that if I could trick my mom into believing that I was feeling okay after my surgery, she'd let me go to my friend's birthday party.  All I had to do was find a way to prove that I was completely recovered and ready to party.  I began to gather very specific information about the kinds of things that would convince my mom that the surgery had absolutely no effect on me.  


I'm pretty sure my mom was just placating me so that I'd leave her alone, but somehow it was determined that the act of running across a park would indeed prove that I was recovered enough to attend the party.  And I became completely fixated on that little ray of hope.   

I remember sitting in the operating room right before going under, coaching myself for the ten-thousandth time on my post-surgery plan: immediately after regaining even the slightest bit of consciousness, I was going to make my mom drive me to a park and I was going to run across it like a gazelle on steroids.      


And then she would let me go to the party.  

I must have done a really good job pretending to be okay even while I was still unconscious, because I was released well before the anesthesia wore off.  My mom had to hold on to the back of my shirt to prevent me from falling over while we walked out of the hospital.  

I first started to regain consciousness while we were driving on the freeway. I didn't know what was going on, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered that I needed to do something important.


THE PARK!!  I didn't recall exactly why I needed to go to the park, but I had spent so much time drilling the concept into my head that even in my haze of near-unconsciousness, I knew that getting myself to a park was of utmost importance.   I tried to communicate this to my mom, but the combination of facial numbness and extreme sedation caused me to be unable to form words properly.  


I yelled louder and more urgently, but my mom still couldn't grasp what it was I wanted.  


It was at this point that I decided to open the car door and walk to the park by my damn self.  The only problem was that instead of being stopped safely near a park, we were hurtling down I-90 at 70 miles per hour.


Luckily I hadn't had the presence of mind to unbuckle my seatbelt, so instead of toppling to a bloody death, I merely hung out the side of the car and flailed around ineffectively.

A little shaken up by the incident, my mom decided that it would probably be a good idea to pull off at the next exit and get some food in me.  We found a Jack in the Box and she led me inside. 


It was pretty crowded, but my mom didn't want to get back in the car, so we found a table and she told me to wait while she stood in line to order our food.  


I sat contentedly at our table for a few minutes.


But then I forgot what was happening and panicked. 


I had to find my mom.  I had to tell her about the park.  I tried to call for her, but I still couldn't quite remember how to say words.  



I began stumbling around the restaurant, shouting the closest approximation to the word "mom" that I could come up with. 


My mom hadn't yet figured out what I was trying to tell her, but she knew that I was yelling and stumbling into the other patrons and generally causing a scene, so she firmly told me to go back to my seat.  

I had remembered why I wanted to go to the park, so I obeyed my mom, thinking it would increase my chances of going to the park, thus increasing my chances of going to the party.  

When my mom returned to our table with our food, some version of the following conversation ensued:

Me:  Carn we go to the parp now? 

My mom:  The park?  Is that what you want?

Me:  Yes!  The parp! 

My mom:  No.  Eat your food.  

Me:  But moun - I can roun arcoss the porp.  I can do it!  I can go to the partney!

My mom:  No you can't. 

Me:  I can!  I can!  I CAN!!! 

My mom:  Look at you.  You can't even walk. You can't form a coherent sentence.

Me:  I CAN ROUN ARCOSS THE PARP!!! I CAN GO TO THE PARPY!!!

My mom:  You are not going to that party. 

Me:  NO!! NO! NO MOUM!  I CAN DO IT!  I CAN GO! 

My mom:  I said you can't go to the party.  Now eat your food.  

Me:  MOOOOOOOUUUUUMM! WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEAAAAAAANNN?? WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEEEEEAAAAAAN TOOO MEEEEEE???

My mom:  Stop it.  

And then I started to cry big blubbery tears into my milkshake.  It was at that point that my mom noticed all the people glaring at her and realized that, from an outside perspective, it appeared as though she was not only refusing to let her poor, mentally disabled daughter go to a park and/or a birthday party, but was also taunting her child about her disability.  


And that's how I got to go to a birthday party while very heavily sedated.

1,072 comments:

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Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for your mom.

Christine said...

I found your blog 3 days ago (via David Thore's site), I've read all of it... I think you are my new crack.

You have made me laugh and cry, mostly laugh, and I would like to thank you, from one jobless bum to another, thank you.

Robblogger said...

Banzai!!!

Very funny stuff!!!

You really made me laugh!!!

But you have been Pearl Harbored by Robblogger!!!

I also sent you an e-mail with an offer you will have an easy time refusing!!!

I also use too many exclamation points!!!

You can retiliate to this surprise attack at http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/

Nicole said...

I feel like such a bad person for laughing at you, but you made my day a million, zillion times better. :)

Danny said...

Your drawings are hilarious! I'm so thankful that your blog is public. Thanks Allie. :)

Ricka said...

The problem with your blog is that I got sucked in and stayed up for two solid days (really--no sleep) to read your entire archive, but then came the devastating realization that you don't update daily so now I'm suffering withdrawals. I should have paced myself. More hysterical wonderfulness, please!

Max said...

This is by far the funniest writing i've read online.
Also, the combination of funniness and smokin' hotness you possess is something I thought was non-existent.

Salutations from the frozen plains of Scandinavia!

Sunny Burn said...

I love it! Absolutely hilarious.

Taylor said...

Allie! Where's a new post?

By the way, your blog inspired me to start my own. I'm not going to post the link because I don't want to be one of those guys/girls/indeterminates.

Brandina said...

This post is so hilarious, I laughed until I cried!

I still crack up every time I see or hear about fish tacos!

I agree with the others about a book. Is it something you've considered doing?

TheCollegeFrosh said...

Alright,

I've got to be completely honest here.

Have you ever laughed so hard that your body was still going through the motions, but your mouth wasnt making any noise?

Yeah, totally what happened when I hit the part about you trying to jump out of the car. The picture only supplemented my epic laughter.

Ricardo said...

Just finished reading all your blog entries, this post made wanted to do it.

Damn you are awesome, I live by two mottos "If you want to do something, you will do it, aside of the "buts" involved" (lol in English it sounds like a pun) and
"There are no things such as bad experiences, it's about finding the way to learn and laugh from them".

Some times I'm asked to take things seriously and dont make jokes about certain things and I respect that, but if the bad things are mine to bare, I enjoy telling my friends about them and listening to their jokes and go from there. Some are harder to laugh at, as I've found latetly.

Keep up the good work, If I find a way to "follow you" so I can help you I will.

Mexican fan please spare my grammar issues. ,^^

Florence F. said...

hahah!Dear author you are awesome!And bless your momma xD

Anonymous said...

Found this through a random comment by someone else on their blog, ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS! Although my sides are killing me from laughing, everytime I scrolled down I would lose all my breath from laughing, then calm down and scroll down and crack up all over again. And the realisation that it looked like your mother was chastising her handicapped child? OMG. Just had to say thankyou for giving me the biggest laugh I've had in weeks. Going back to read some more!!!

Nikki said...

I keep reading this post again and again...and again. It's partly because I'm procrastinating, but mostly because it's hilarious and I can't stop reading/laughing.

Publish a book! I want to buy it and send it to everyone I know!

Stephanie said...

I loved this post so much that I made you a present:

http://img709.imageshack.us/img709/4598/porp.gif

I giggle hysterically every time I see it.

Nikki said...

@Stephanie

hahaha, I love your present. Genius!

NyghtOwl said...

probably not the blog to visit when i'm trying to fall asleep at 3:40am - now, i'm just going to laugh my ass off to myself instead of getting some shut eye - i'm thinking it was worth it, though:)

Gueibor said...

Yeah, thanks a lot, damnit - I've been going "Paaaarp!" for like a week now, and my whole non-anglophone family is convinced I have a case of El Retardo.

Gueibor said...

@NyghtOwl: Dude, no waaaaay, we just totally owled the comments!!!

Anonymous said...

i found out it was a girl half way thru and stopped reading. ugh, the sentence above this text box too.. typical stifled girl humor

Amber Jessica said...

Wow, I've never read anything so funny in my entire life. Then I made my husband read it while I re-read it and we both pretty much ended up in a puddle of hysterics.

DM said...

add comment moderation to your BS

you will not have a PUBLIC FORUM


NEW GAME WITH YOU LITTLE F*CKERS - SPEAK N DIE. Come see the latest DM videos for your viewing pleasure!


the WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY - THE DANCE OF DEATH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0Hez25fFrg


http://media.depechemode.com/micro_sites/remasters/gr/wallpaper/violator_8_640.jpg

_______________
And the Pope is 100% correct: The Nazis and the atheists both wish to ABOLISH FAITH....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11332515


________________________

hawking is WRONG

science cannot explain NOTHING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMRJJcfEXls&



FAIR AND BALANCED!

________________

http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

DM said...

add comment moderation to your BS

you will not have a PUBLIC FORUM


NEW GAME WITH YOU LITTLE F*CKERS - SPEAK N DIE. Come see the latest DM videos for your viewing pleasure!


the WORLD TRADE CENTER PROPHECY - THE DANCE OF DEATH

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0Hez25fFrg


http://media.depechemode.com/micro_sites/remasters/gr/wallpaper/violator_8_640.jpg

_______________
And the Pope is 100% correct: The Nazis and the atheists both wish to ABOLISH FAITH....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11332515


________________________

hawking is WRONG

science cannot explain NOTHING!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMRJJcfEXls&



FAIR AND BALANCED!

________________

http://dissidentphilosophy.lifediscussion.net/philosophy-f1/the-boobquake-911-t1310.htm

Anonymous said...

are you dead!!!! POST SOMETHING NEW

Adam said...

I looked up 'Midnight train' on youtube by Journey and sat here listening to it in a semi-dark room eating jam toast and thinking how you probably dance like a branded donkey to the 'don't stop believing part.' It was fun for me.

jillian416 said...

I adore your blog! It constantly makes me laugh and brightens my day.

So I thought I'd honor you with a blog award!

http://jewelrybyjillian.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/the-versatile-blogger/

cygnus said...

Rule for Reading Allie's Blog #17:
Never EVER read over the rim of the mug you are drinking from.
I fail, and I have a coffee-soaked desk to prove it. You, however, totally win.

Ricardo said...

Rule #18 do not read while your squizofrenic mom (wich can hold her life more or less right and has a job) is sitting next to you, she will get worried about how the computer turned her son into a droolling frantic laughin zombie.

Anonymous said...

oh my gosh. i love you.

Anonymous said...

this was amazing. i read it over and over again every day!! please update more, we love your work!

Phoenyx said...

If I were heterosexual I'd want to marry you. Instead I'll continue to read these when I'm sad/angry to brighten my day

Kay Bluestocking said...

Oh my god, Ally, thank you.
I've been working on job applications all weekend--literally not leaving my seat for hours--and then I cycled home in the rain to an empty fridge. I came close to feeling like there was no purpose in life. And then I read this post.
I had to stop at each picture so I could catch my breath and stop that scary-wheezy thing that happens when you laugh too hard. I actually did have tears rolling down my face. Plus, I think I just burned 100 calories.
I heart you.

Greg said...

Freakin' love your drawings! They make me my day!

Alexander Chow-Stuart said...

A fabulous totally funny moving and "true" story (in that it feels absolutely true emotionally, especially as the father of two young children). I love the mix of art and text. Hope you don't mind, I've linked a couple of times with images from your blog on my blog, Alexander Chow-Stuart (http://www.alexanderstuart.com)

Alexander Chow-Stuart said...

PS Birthday parties are best enjoyed heavily sedated:)

Bob & Phyllis said...

THANK YOU for making me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. I printed this off and took it home for DH to see and HE laughed until he cried.

Now all we have to do it look at each other and go Parp? and it starts all over again....

As other posters have said, your mother was a SAINT and you are very bizarre (but in a good sort of way). 8-)

Thanks for sharing and making my day!
Phyllis

Fedorca said...

There are some blogs that are so good that you can't even share because you want it just for you.But then you remember you have to be a good person and share it with others:).Yours is in this category

Janey said...

I find this wildly amazing. Mainly because I thought I was the only person who had a "compacted tooth" growing into my jaw-bone (because it fell down inside my gums or something) as a kid.

While my memories don't consist of running through parps, I do remember having a dream that I was roller skating in rainbow mist with techno music. Then when I finally started to "come to", the doctor asked if I wanted a wheel chair, and I stumbled out to the car trying to remember how to operate these things called legs.

The next thing I remember was crying as chicken noodle soup dribbled out of my mouth onto my parents' bed as I tried to eat for the first time and couldn't. I just get spooning up soup, and trying to throw it into my mouth, and crying because I couldn't figure out how to eat.

So, yeah. Thanks for sharing the story, and letting me know that I'm not the only person with mutant-tooth tendancies.

Adriana said...

I almost bust out laughing at this post, but couldn't because I'm in the computer lab at school so I tried to stop (and failed).

How was the party? Were you conscious?

"Guppy" Honaker said...

My parents made the mistake of taking me to an orthodontist too, and then paying for braces for nearly 13 years. (I'm sure I was in them for 10 years longer than needed, because he knew he could milk their money as long as I was living at home.)

- David

Aloe Vera 101
Holistic Health Info.

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I need to have a little talk with you. You are making me neglect my children. I discovered you yesterday (that's YESTERDAY) at 8:30am via a Facebook "share" from a friend. I read. I cried and cried, tears of laughter streaming down my face. I don't do that easily. Dave Barry. You. That's about it. I am an artist and so I am very visual. The drawings were what completely killed me, when combined with your comedic brilliance, your laser wit and your disarming ability to show the world your shit. So I proceeded to read your ENTIRE BLOG since then. Mind you, I am the mother of two small children... two neglected small children. I think I fed them over the last two days. They are sleeping peacefully now, but maybe they just passed out from hunger. Also, I saw a rare Siberian Alot once, but not one believed me. It is a comfort to know that you understand. On a more serious note, having read the ENTIRE blog, as a psychotherapist and someone who has struggled with depression, I would say something you probably already know: December+Cold+Montana= SADS (ie, Seasonal Affective Disorder). I got it every year when I lived in Boston (that's why I live in New Mexico now!). Anyway, I will follow you, donate to you and click on your ads with glee. You have a gift, my girl, and I am now along for the ride.
Take care,
Mama Xena

Anonymous said...

THAT WAS AWESOME
I'm reading this at work and the combination of wanting to laugh my ass off and trying to hold in the laughter actually hurts so hard that I had to stop reading several times. You're awesome.

Anonymous said...

THAT WAS AWESOME
I'm reading this at work, and the combination of wanting to laugh my ass off and trying to hold in the laughter actually hurts so hard that I had to stop reading several times. You're awesome.

Anonymous said...

OMG I love your blog! :D
It's one of the few things that has ever made me laugh out loud while reading!

A couple of tiny spelling/ grammatical errors:
the spelling of anaesthesia in this post and the line 'all words and pictures are belong to me' in the copyright.

Keep up the awesome work, Allie! Hope some rich guy publishes a book written and illustrated by you!

- Ipsita :)

aimeemax said...

Awesome - I actually laughed (and laughed) out loud.

Thanks. And thanks to Scicurious for sending me to you.

pauliswood said...

I just now found this site. Thanx Allie...you have condemned me to several days/weeks of nonproductivityishness

starshyyne said...

I just spend an hour procrastinating reading your blog. started with alot. ended with this:
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs707.snc4/62732_436184970123_640845123_5731166_571203_n.jpg

im impressed and delighted.

InYourBoat said...

Hilarious. But I read it a week ago.

Where did you go? I discovered your blog on Sept 13, was completely caught up by Sept 15, and you haven't written since. I need MORE MORE MORE!

Torran said...

Just wanted to say that reading this blog is the only time I actually laugh out loud on the computer.
I would feel comfortable using lol to describe this blog, whereas with life in general I do not.
Please keep writing, please keep making me smile.

Heather said...

Okay, so I've been reading your blog in reverse chronological order since finding it a week ago, and you're like crack. The awesome kind that makes you super happy and laughy and all the good stuff, not like...jittery and paranoid. Does crack even work that way? Meh, regardless, you rule. Please forgive my awkward weirdness, I'm a bit socially dumb so I'm sure I sound like a complete jackass. But an appreciative one, at least! Even if I'm not making sense. Okay, I should really stop now, or at least change topic.

There! This entry about killed me. Especially the expressions on you and your mom's faces in the pictures. Thank you SO much for cheering me up after losing my crappy temp job last week. It sucked, but allowed me to buy food, so I kinda miss it. But being unemployed has given me time to read your blog extensively, so I guess things do balance out like my hippie professors liked to tell me constantly.

On a lightly unrelated but still (I think) applicable note, I had four teeth removed simultaneously as a kid. When this was completed, I was far less coherent than usual, which means it's surprising I was able to make it to the waiting room to find my parents, let alone live to be 28. Anyway, my dad had the brilliant idea to go out for Mexican good as a reward for me being so good about the surgery. Not too bright a man, my pa, but his heart was in the right place. My food, however, was not. My only clear memory of that heavily sedated excursion is trying to sip Pepsi through a straw whilst being completely unable to feel my mouth or most of the rest of my face. Lovely, that.

I've babbled your life away, and I apologize. You're made of win and all things awesome.

Heather said...

Also, I type about as well as my 80 year old grandfather. *slightly unrelated* and obviously *Mexican food* are what those typos are meant to be.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm late in commenting, but Allie, I wanted you to know:

My life since you posted this entry has been a seemingly endless string of Very Bad Things (including a niece with a ruptured appendix, a brother with an actual brain injury that made him bleed out of his ears, and a dear cousin who just plain died). Through it all, whenever I looked ready to implode with sadness, my husband would lean in close to me and whisper "Parp." That one word might not be able to bring people back from the dead, but it made me feel better every time. Thank you!

Oh, and if your pain scale were on a get-well card, I would buy one for each of my hospitalized relatives, which is apparently going to be lots of people.

Diana said...

My favourite part may very well be the part where your mom *facetables* and spills your milkshake. :p

Mr. Jellyfish said...

I am so pleased I discovered this blog! The picture of the teeth on the eyes kills me (in a humorous way) Very very very very very very very good. A bajillion thumbs up

Squoba Comics said...

This comic made me have two pregnants.

Sabera said...

Hilarious. HILRIOUS!! I'm laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. This is probably the funniest thing I've read online. Totally sharing it with my friends. You're a brilliant blogger!

sohdalex said...

So I was introduced to your blog for the first time yesterday....and I LOVE IT. I have already related in oh so many ways to your characters and am cracking up with my mom over some very familiar feeling stories. Looking forward to upcoming posts!

alexa

thebigshowatud said...

i hope the copyright monster doesn't kill me for getting a "SchmoHio" license plate, this year.

David Greg Katechis said...

I spit out my gin and soda last night reading this. Then I snorted a few times and I'm fairly certain the dog thinks I've lost a few brain cells.

Thanks.

David Greg Katechis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Kid In The Front Row said...

jeeez, you are so friggin awesome. your creativity is beyond incredible. you inspire me!

Mwarh said...

This is soo deeply awesomeness! I like!

Mandie said...

I cried I laughed so hard at this. And then I went back to the beginning of the blog AND READ EVERY SINGLE POST.

It's like we're the same person, and it's a little eerie.

nephyo said...

I literally laughed out loud while at work. Luckily my boss wasn't around. This post is epic.

Anonymous said...

My sister had a rogue tooth in sixth grade! It was growing backwards into her nose. My mom would shove carrots up her nose and say "eat!".

Anonymous said...

Are you dead? I've been checking for a new update for what seems like forever!

Anonymous said...

when you draw your mom, she looks like a cigarette butt.

Adam said...

Allie,

I found your blog because this post got linked somewhere (Digg maybe? I forget...this was all the way last week) and I haven't been able to stop reading your blog, save to eat, sleep, work, watch TV, drive, daydream, and drool. (Sorry, I know you abhor alliteration). I've just finished reading the entire thing as I sit here in class, so I just wanted to leave you a message that says: I just read your whole blog.

Thanks for these incredibly entertaining posts. I'm hoping you post something else soon.

As incentive, I present you with a coupon good for One Internet, redeemable at any participating Applebee's.

Anonymous said...

This person has plagiarized your blog:

http://arguingwithadoughnut.blogspot.com/

phillipskt said...

A thousand+ comments! The epicness is mindbottling! If you aren't champion of the internet I don't know who is! I'm done with exclamation points now.

Anonymous said...

you: "I'm going to blog every day!"
me: thinking (It's been almost a month! what happened to every day?)

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