Texas

I have a distinct tendency to become sick or injured dramatically. This was most certainly the case the first time I ever visited Texas.

It all began at a track meet in Eugene, Oregon.  Despite suffering from a debilitatingly itchy, full-body rash brought on by a Flintstones vitamins overdose, I had the race of my life and qualified for the NCAA Midwest Regional meet in Austin, Texas.


I was beyond excited.  My days were filled with farfetched fantasies of how I was going to win regionals and then qualify for nationals and somehow win that too.  I visualized myself on the podium, bowing my head gracefully to accept my gold medal as the National Anthem played delicately in the background and confetti fluttered around me.  


I don't even know if that's what happens when you win a national championship, but that's the way it worked in my fantasy.  My entire existence was focused like a laser beam on that one race, sometime at the very end of May.  

However, there was a small part of my mind that recognized a few crushing disadvantages, chief among them the reality that the race was in Texas at the beginning of summer and I had been training all year in frigid Montana.  Add to this that I would be attempting to race a 5k despite the fact that I have never been good at handling the heat even when lying motionless on my floor in my underwear in front of a fan, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.  

But the reality turned out worse than anyone could have predicted. 

A couple of my teammates and I boarded the plane at 5:00 AM.  I had barely slept the night before because I was so excited about my race.  

When we arrived in Texas, I stalwartly ignored the heat waves radiating off the tarmac.  "I'll deal with it somehow..." I thought.  

After we checked into our hotel, I went for a little run to shake out my legs.  Immediately upon exiting the air-conditioned lobby of the hotel, I finally had to acknowledge the reality that my body is the opposite of good at dissipating heat.  It doesn't even try.  It's like it doesn't care at all about my well-being and comfort.   Less than a mile into my run, I was reduced to a shambling jog.  Breathing was like trying to insufflate syrup through a coffee straw.  It was at this point that I began to panic a little.  

I stumbled back to the hotel and took a shower to cool off.  The shower water was lukewarm and smelled like it had been siphoned out of a duck pond.  It was less than refreshing and made me smell like a swamp monster.  Still soaking wet, I lay down on my bed and tried to eat a banana.  My innards groaned like the Titanic just before it split in half.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, a tiny voice began to scream "you're gonna die!!!" 

After weathering another sleepless night, I dragged my protesting body out of bed and down to the lobby, intent on ingesting massive amounts of caffeine.  The coffee tasted like it had been made with the pond water that came out of the shower, but it served its function.  Aching joints and creaky innards aside, I felt like I was ready to take on the world. 


This was the high point of the entire trip.  It was the last moment I felt even vaguely lucid.  

The rest of the day was spent waiting in agonizing apprehension.  My bloodstream was a putrid slop of stress hormones and enraged white blood cells.  Something was obviously not right.  I tried to blame it on the heat.  I tried to blame it on my nerves.  It was more than that; an immune-system assault so massive that it singlehandedly managed to shatter my dreams and my dignity all in one shot.  

The hours leading up to my race went pretty much like this: 


And by that, I mean that I sat in my hotel room all by myself in a terrifying, delirious stupor, which I later found out was the result of a 104.5 degree fever.  In spite of my obvious illness (and perhaps due in part to my delirium), I remained steadfastly determined to go through with my athletic conquest.  I did not come all the way to Texas to let some stupid illness get between me and my dreams of glory.  

I don't remember how I got to the track.  I know I was supposed to walk there because it was only a few blocks from the hotel, but I have no recollection of the time between sitting in my room and actually arriving at the track.  What I do remember are the fireflies I saw on my warmup.  Let me tell you something - if you've never seen fireflies before, you probably should try to avoid seeing them for the first time when you're out of your mind with a fever.  I had no idea what was going on.   


I also remember being hotter than I had ever been before.  I felt like I wanted to tear off my skin.  The ambient temperature was nearly 100 degrees even though it was starting to get dark and the humidity felt suffocating.  I was still unwilling to admit to feeling less-than-adequate, so I stumbled around campus like a drunk, trying my hardest to keep my spirits up.  "I can do it!" I thought.  "I just have to believe in myself!"  It was pathetic.  

The more I jogged around, the higher my internal temperature crept.  By the time I changed into my uniform and racing spikes, I could barely focus.  The fireflies flitted around, taunting me with the unsettling feeling of not being able to tell if I was hallucinating or not.  In a last ditch attempt to maintain homeostasis, I packed my sport bra and racing briefs with ice cubes.   

Before I knew it, there I was on the starting line of the biggest race of my life;  melty ice water trickling down my torso and the inside of my legs, uniform packed full of ice cubes.   It looked like I had some sort of strange disorder that made me all lumpy and caused me to continuously pee on myself.  It was not one of my prouder moments.  


When the starter's gun went off, I sprinted off the line with the rest of the girls, ice jiggling around inside my clothes and flying out of my briefs onto the track.  

It did not take long for my championship dreams to fizzle out to a barely audible whine in the fuzzy depths of my consciousness.  


I fell further and further back from the rest of the field, but kept doggedly pursuing my quest for greatness until the moment I passed out.  


I remember trying to punch the volunteer who dragged me off the track before I completely lost consciousness.  The next few hours were a blur of concerned coaches and doctors and tubes and thermometers.  

That night, I couldn't sleep again.  I was so afraid that I was going to die alone in my hotel room that I crawled down to the lobby of the hotel and tried to sleep on one of the couches there.  


My logic was that if I started dying, maybe someone would notice and help me.  

Still delirious the next morning, I woke up and immediately decided that I needed juice more than anything in the world.  I would have shanked an infant for juice.  

For some reason, I thought that it would be a good idea to walk to the grocery store by myself.  I didn't even know where the grocery store was.  I just kind of picked a direction and started walking.  Every now and then I made a turn.  I felt like I was trusting my instincts, but really I was just wandering around hoping to stumble across a grocery store.  About a mile or so from the hotel, I began to notice that the houses on the street I was walking down had bars over all the windows.  There were bullet holes in a couple of the cars parked along the street and broken glass littered the sidewalks. That's when I realized I was not in a very good neighborhood.  And I was lost.  


This might not be a big deal for some people, but for a weak and possibly dying girl who spent most of her life in the woods of rural north Idaho, it was pretty terrifying.  I quickened my pace, which really only served to propel me faster in an unknown direction.  

Amazingly, I did eventually find a grocery store.  It was the most confusing grocery store I have ever been in.  First of all, most of the signs were written in Spanish.  I speak a little Spanish, but it did me very little good because there was no order to anything in the entire store.  The shelves were packed with various foods and toiletries, but none of it was grouped into any sort of easily-recognizable category.  The dry pasta was next to some random shampoo bottles and a box of Reese's peanut butter cups.  A few aisles down from that, there was more shampoo, but now it was accompanied by salsa and something called "energy balls" which appeared to be homemade chocolate balls with coffee beans stuffed into them, rolled up inside a plastic sandwich bag.  Birds flew freely throughout the store and a centrally-located tank of live lobsters made the whole place smell like rancid seawater.  It was like some horrific wonderland of confusion.  I was never going to find juice and I was never going to be able to go home.  I sat down in the middle of what appeared to be the "yellow things aisle" and began to weep quietly.  

Eventually a kindly man found me and asked me what was wrong in Spanish.  I tried to explain to him that I was lost and I really wanted some juice, but in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I asked him if I could "play puppy," which doesn't make any sense at all in that context.  Obviously perplexed, he led me to a lady named Angelica who had the best mullet I've ever seen and, perhaps more importantly, could speak English.  I asked her about the juice. 


Angelica led me to a slightly refrigerated back room where the juice was kept.  I selected a gallon jug of strawberry-guava juice, opened it right there in front of Angelica and began chugging. She looked displeased, but I was obviously not well and I think her sympathy won out in the end.  I followed her back to the cash register, paid for my juice with a sweaty wad of dollar bills and began the journey back to my hotel.  

All I can remember from this point in the trip is staggering down the street clutching my guava juice, trying my best to stay conscious in the hot sun.  


Just as I don't know how I found the grocery store, I have no idea how I eventually ended up back at my hotel.  I don't think anyone even knew I was gone. 

Later that evening, a few teammates woke me up and reminded me that I still hadn't celebrated my very recent 21st birthday.  This being the case, I was expected drink (read: buy alcohol for everyone else).  Being impulsive, I reluctantly grabbed my wallet and walked with my friends to a gas station (which carried juice and was only about three blocks from the hotel in the opposite direction).  I tried to buy a six pack of beer but my newly legal I.D. was turned down because it was out of state and I "looked like a goddamn 16-year old."  The cashier ended up selling the beer to my friend who was only 20 and had a fake I.D.  

Back at the hotel, I tried to halfheartedly drink a beer and talk with my teammates, but I think I just ended up passing out on the floor.  We had to wake up to catch a really early flight, so I didn't get to sleep very much.  I woke up feeling even worse than I had the day before, in a half-conscious stupor.  I remember lurching around the airport with my eyes closed, dragging my backpack on the ground, trying to just stay reasonably close to my teammates' voices.  

We had a long layover in Denver, so I tried to get some sleep under a row of seats near our terminal.  The airport was really quiet at such an early hour, but our terminal was right next to a moving sidewalk from which a very loud, automated voice emanated roughly every minute.  It was an annoyingly cheery robotic female voice warning people, in English and Spanish, that the moving sidewalk was coming to an end and to watch their step.  It seemed completely unnecessary and I think that's what really ended up getting to me in the end.  


It had been three days since I'd gotten over a few measly hours of sleep and it felt like that stupid lady-robot was forcefully robbing me of every bit of psychological integrity I had left.  After an hour of trying to sleep unsuccessfully, I finally got up to try to find a solution.  Anything.  If I didn't sleep, I felt like I was going to implode and explode at the same time, and whatever came out of me was going to be dangerous, possibly some sort of plague demon.  


And that's how I ended up having a complete psychological meltdown in an airport.  

546 comments:

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Skullgal said...

A post near to my heart since I live in Austin.

I thought I was the only person capable of dramatic, sudden illness. You smoke all my stories. Congratulations!

Varda said...

OK, you are super awesome and I can't believe I just found you. Actually, I can. Wonderful Mommy bloggers turned me onto you via Twitter. They want me to spend all my time on the internet and never take care of my children. I also have ADD, as does one of my sons & the other is on the autism spectrum. We're an "interesting" family. Our home looks like a toy store threw up, but we have fun. I’ve never had a melt down in an airport, but when I was pregnant with the twins (oh, yeah, my boys are twins) I forgot that besides my really bad “morning” (aka ALL DAY & NIGHT) sickness, I also get really bad altitude sickness, which mostly manifests as…. nausea. So I thought it would be a good idea to go to Sundance, in the Utah MOUNTAINS (7,000+ feet). I barfed all over the Salt Lake City airport. It was still early enough in my pregnancy that I didn’t look clearly pregnant, more like I was a little too fond of beer. They don’t take too kindly to that there in Mormon territory (hope you are not taking offense at this). I also almost hurled in James Caan’s lap in a restaurant, but that’s another story. But then Julie Benz who played Darla on (Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin-off) Angel rubbed my belly for luck, so that balanced things out. Also I am insanely jealous that you can get 402 comments in 3 days. But you’re awesome, so I’ll get over that. Thanks. (If you want to come visit me on my blog, that would be nice, I would make you a cup of tea).

Abigail said...

oh, my god, the Denver airport. ahh, memories. really sucky memories, tbh. Because yeah, THE MOVING SIDEWALK IS ENDING.

I grew up in California and had never seen fireflies, even after my move to Colorado, until I went to DC. They really are pretty... if you're not in a fucking coma.

Corey said...

Oooooohhhh.... I just had to listen to 2 hours of that very voice at that very airport 3 weeks ago..... it seriously goes off Every.Single.Minute.

Anonymous said...

oh god, i just cried i was laughing so hard. at your story and especially the drawings. i dont know if it's because i find this genuinely funny or if it's because i'm half asleep... but probably the first option (...probably). Thankyou for making my night.

Anonymous said...

I wish i was a pimp, 'cause then i would get some goddamn respect around this one horse town and that would mean i could pimp out your blog to all my friends/family/friends of friends/acquaintances/random people in the pub/people i meet on holiday/anyone that will listen. You know what I'm like a mother fucking messiah if only people would listen!! when you claim the internet as your own and win amazingly at everything ever, i will sit there and chuckle and say HEY! i told you so. this girl is THE shit! I. TOLD. YOU. SO.

Rachel M Cantrell said...

Hahaha I'm so glad you are back! and that you have really entertaining stories for us. I'm gonna donate soon I swear! (once i get money)

Amber M. Rules said...

I actually cried proper tears of sadness when I read this. I want to make you a sandwich.

Elyse said...

I'm a lurker (and lover) of your blog, but I thought I'd better leave my first comment, if only to acknowledge that I too have moved to sit/slump/lie where people might notice me dying and help me! Another really funny, yet greatly terrifying post.

Anonymous said...

The MS Paint art style reminds me of the Oatmeal

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/pony

Rocky said...

Allie, you're awesome. So awesome I even mentioned this blog in my blog. Not that its a very good blog. Mine that is, not yours. Ok I'll shut up and go make cake.

(http://rockyhorrorpictureblog.blogspot.com/)

Riley F said...

OMG, that was too funny. :D

Joeymom said...

Something's up with that runner's league or whatever it is that sticks Montana in the same region as Texas and expects people used to running in Montana to now run in Texas. I got heat-hallucinations in India (that's what we called that high fever from heat shock) and it is Not. Fun. Especially when they are helped alone by mefloquine.

DiPaola Momma said...

Oh wholly gods of all that is itchy, frozen and freaking hilarious.. thank you for this post!

Anonymous said...

This post makes me violently excited in a hysterical yet angry way. I grew up in Colorado and that goddamn moving sidewalk makes me tweak out even if I hear that robo-voice ONCE. People can use their EYES to SEE the end of the moving sidewalk, damnit! And anybody who can't see the end?? Probably shouldn't be on the moving sidewalk in the first place.

Also? Sorry for your loss. Of the race. And maybe dignity. Won't jump to conclusions there. Suffice it to say I'm really picking up what you're laying down here.
-Sophie

Anonymous said...

"Moving sidewalk is nearing it's end, please watch your step, Thank you! :D :D :D"

I live in Boulder and I fly out of DIA all the time.

I've had dreams of getting all makey outty with the sidewalk girl.

Hahaha.

Anonymous said...

I've spent the night at the Denver airport, so I know what you mean about the moving walkway voice. Luckily it's activated by sensors, so the frequency goes down to about every half hour when only the janitors come through.

Mimi said...

Aww, too bad you had such a horrible time in my home state :(
I know what you mean about the heat, I live the reverse everyday...I live in Canada now, and all the time, I'm like "brrr...ff..ff.ffreezzing!!" ans everyone else is like "What's wrong with you? It's BEAUTIFUL out!" when it's only 40 or 50 degrees... ouch!

Schmutzie said...

This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/6/4/five-star-fridays-106th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-joan-di.html

Ireland said...

I'm glad you didn't die so you could post this awesome story.

even though it probably REALLY sucked at the time :)

Kat said...

hahaha loved this post! This is so weird to me tho cause I CANNOT run in the cold!! As soon as fall/winter comes around I pack up my running shoes and start working out indoors! The minute I run in the cold my lungs explode and I wind up with pneumonia! Clearly a life in Montana is not in the cards for me!! lol

Kimberley said...

A adore this. This is my new favorite site ever. And I've been at this level of sick.


I about died laughing at the airport wench who didn't have earplugs.

Anonymous said...

Ew. I remember having a fever of 104.2 in elementary school. I was in third grade and the teacher didn't believe me and wouldn't let me leave. The result was me walking out on a fairly hot day wearing a jacket but still shivering. My legs felt like they were encased in concrete, I could barely walk. I had to be rushed to the doctor's office in town in a hurry and my mom had to carry me the whole time because my legs felt so heavy.

I can't remember if this was due to a sickness or just being exhausted, but when I was small I was waiting for my mommy to tuck me into bed and turn out the light. I was so sleepy but was desperately waiting. I then hallucinated a glass of milk float above my bed and over me. I begged that glass not to spill because my mom would get angry. The hallucination milk dumped all over my floor. When my mom came in to tuck me in, I was whining about spilled milk, which wasn't there. She got really confused...

Nicholas said...

Allie, you have no idea how much I love you :3

girlanachronism said...

The time I had a fever of 104.6, my right kidney was evaluated multiple times during my eventual hospitalization to see if it needed to be removed, and I was on the verge of sepsis when I was finally sent to a hospital. My fever remained above 102 for four days, while I was on intravenous antibiotics round the clock. Had I gone another day without treatment, I could've been in *serious* trouble -- if I'd gone without treatment indefinitely, dead.

In other words, fevers that high in adults are usually caused by something that doesn't go away on its own. So, sincerely, I'm curious if you survived this without medical attention, and if so, how, exactly?

Anonymous said...

I enjoy the fact that you and your fellow runners seem to be wearing diapers. hehe

lacrema said...

By the time I got to the ice cube picture, I was laughing out loud when I was supposed to be listening to my co-worker talk to me. So I made up for it by sending him a link.

YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

I think the fireflies may have been hallucinations. Last time I hallucinated from fever I was convinced the delivery men from Costco were coming to take our furniture at 3AM.

AgencyProductions said...

That's it? That's how it ends? No medically impossible feats of recovery?

Elizabeth said...

I can totally relate to this. I once felt sick at school, and classes were changing. I couldn't remember where the nurse's office was, so I decided to go to my next class and someone there could give me directions. I nearly threw up twice on the way (this is normally a 2 minute trip). I ended up crawling up the stairs on all fours. Just as the tardy bell rang, I collapsed in the hallway. My blood pressure and temperature were both too low for the school nurse to find them. The sad part is, that's not even the sickest I've ever been.

Mama DB said...

I want a t-shirt with you clutching the guava on it. Oh, I haven't laughed like that in a good long while.

Joygazmic said...

hmm, I never thought about the heat effecting people not from the south, I've spent most of my life in Louisiana & Texas.. I guess we just acclimate.. kn owing Spanish is almost a requirement for living in Texas lol

Bianca said...

So I have finally managed to read all the way back through every single one of your posts and increase my creepiness by 100 points.
In other news, this newest post is hilarious (albeit traumatic), and someone should definitely do something about those moving sidewalk voices.
Finally, as a fellow bear-aficionado, I would like to show you this as proof that bears ARE evolving new ways to kill us. Zombie apocalypse? I think not - try BEAR ARMAGEDDON.
http://cuteanimals.todaysbigthing.com/2010/05/27

LRA said...

Darlin' girl!

I live in Texas (Austin), but I lived in NYC for about 4 years from 26-30. The thing is that a body needs to *acclimate* to an environment. If you lived here, then you wouldn't have succumbed to near "heat stroke" conditions.

If you ever need to acclimate, let me know. You can stay in my guest room and run in the Texas heat with an ice cold tea/koolaid/beer waiting for ya when you get back. LOL!!!!!!!!

:D

management said...

I live in Austin and am curious where your track meet was. If you were at the university, that would imply that you walked to Fiesta, which does not smell like dying lobsters, but almost definitely has an aisle for the color yellow. But it's a massive grocery store! Also, the neighborhood next to the Fiesta is not bullet-riddled, it's actually reasonably pleasant. I think you are exaggerating for comedic effect, which is fine except that you are talking about Austin.

Isis said...

Just found your site and I love it!! Totally pimping you, darling!

Lauren said...

I can keep a straight face through this whole post until you get to the part about the moving sidewalk. This is fantastic, Allie!

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Peter James said...

Oh my goodness, something very similar happened to me a few months ago! Girl, I this is an absolute nightmare, I'm honestly surprised you can talk about some of the shit that happens to you with such admirable candor. Love the pictures in this one.

Tahni said...

Why is it that when you're sick, you're traumatizingly sick? And how in the world do you manage to make being so horrible ill so hilarious? It doesn't even make sense!

Diane Laney Fitzpatrick said...

Thank God you wore the pink dress to Texas. I wouldn't have recognized you.

MC Etcher said...

I love your blog! You're very funny, keep up the great work!

the witch's bwew said...

ROFL! My favorite picture is the one of you holding the guava juice. It totally reminds me of when I used to go to parties and get way too drunk, pass out on someone's couch, and then wake up at 5 AM with an overpowering desire for juice. So I'd stumble around the neighborhood trying to find a grocery store that's open and wind up buying a big bottle of orange/mango/pineapple/guava/someothertropicalfruit juice and carry it home, probably looking very similar to that picture.

Jessalyn said...

Hi Allie!
I've read all your posts, and I love you in a totally creepy way, but I promise not to spend too much time in your bushes. Anyway, I laughed so hard that my peers now think I'm more insane than they already did at "I would have shanked an infant for juice."
Thank you <3

strachan33 said...

@Management:

"I think you are exaggerating for comedic effect"

You DO realize that this blog is called "Hyperbole and a Half", right?

Do you know what hyperbole means?

Did you not see Allie's mother's comment on another "near death" story where she completely ignored the severity of Allie's ailments in that story, and commented how she is such a great writer?

Allie exaggerates, and does so in the most awesome way I've seen. Her imagination takes a simple real story, and exaggerates it into something that's hilariously entertaining.

Basically, ease up. It's just a story, and a very funny one at that.

Allyson said...

I've only recently came across your blog. I find on my most miserable days they ALWAYS cheer me up. You have an excellent sense of humour and I appreciate what you do.
Thank you, Allie!

Mona Monster said...

What a great introduction to your blog! This is the funniest thing I've read in awhile... which may sound a bit weird given the content. Can't wait to read the archives!

Mona Monster said...

What a great introduction to your blog! This is the funniest thing I've read in awhile... which may sound a bit weird given the content. Can't wait to read the archives!

Nikoliosis said...

The Halloween just after I had turned 18 I was at Walmart with my boss who was like..27 at the time. She tried to buy some horror movie that was rated R and they carded her. Now she did look young and I can understand her being carded for buying alcohol but not believing she was over 18 was a little ridiculous. As it goes, she hadn't brought her id in with her and the cashier totally thought she was trying to pull a fast one on him and I ended up having to buy the movie for her.

Karla said...

WHERE ARE YOU ALLIE!!! I NEED A NEW POST TO FUFILL THE DYING PART OF MY SOUL THAT ONLY LIVES WHEN I READ YOUR BLOG!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

that's not a very uplifting ending.. you supposed to renew our hope and stuff at the end!

Claire said...

The ice cube pictures and "I would have shanked a baby for juice" slayed me. Slew me? You have slain me? Whatever. Slayed sounds cooler, you know?

bbb_ said...

i thought you're collapsing in the restroom and seeing poopoopoop was dramatic, but BY GOD this post sure as hell takes the cake! ...this was all very amusing, but also made me sad...you need a hug :(

Anonymous said...

Dude, I was reading this post on Tuesday night, and it was like I was YOU. I mean, your descriptions of how you felt were making ME feel exactly the same. I was getting dizzy, having trouble breathing, feeling insanely hot.... thinking, the whole time, that your writing was so good that you were making me experience how you felt. I was amazed, I thought I had discovered the next step up from 3-D TV, or Smell-O-Vision, or whatever. Feel-O-Blog?

My guy came home from work a few hours later, and found me passed out on the floor by the computer desk. I had a fever of 104. Went to the ER, and found out I had come down with a very sudden, very bad case of Strep.

It is now almost a week later, and I'm finally well enough to at least get out of bed. I just had to tell you my really strange experience of reading your blog! I love this post, it's hilarious, despite the fact that I became delirious with a real fever while reading it! ;)

Anonymous said...

I love you. That's all.

Danger Boy said...

Those moving sidewalk recordings drive me bananas. The best I've encountered are in Vegas...all recorded by celebrities, so you have Don Rickles, Wayne Newton, and Joan Rivers telling you to watch your step.

Delaney said...

I tried to explain to him that I was lost and I really wanted some juice, but in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I asked him if I could "play puppy," which doesn't make any sense at all in that context.

I was absolutely dying at this line, especially as it's clear how you made that mistake but the whole thing is hilarious!


I'm sorry you didn't get the regional event of your dreams but at least it makes a good story! Thanks for sharing it.

Gabriel said...

This is the longest FML i have ever read.

Akala said...

I've lived near Houston all my life. It's not that hot, really!
I will admit that the air, at times, is stifling and you feel like you're just breathing water. On those days it's best to just lay around all day.
Definitely not trying to run a race with ice cubes in your pants.

meleah rebeccah said...

OH MY GOD.

I just accidentally stumbled across your blog via MOOG, and don't think I've laughed this hard in weeks.

Thank you for this HILARIOUS story! And your captioned comics killed me!

Charlie Ban said...

Having the regional meet in Texas was a terrible idea, if just for the heat. As a runner who can't even handle the heat and humidity in Washington, DC, I completely sympathize with you there. Although this one seemed like it was written about me- I loved the fish story and choked on water laughing at it.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I think you were shopping at my Fiesta! They do have good juice, better mullets, and really sad lobsters.
One time last July it was 105 and my boot camp was meeting on top of a parking garage by Town Lake and it was 119 up there. Yeehaw!
Glad you didn't die. Come back and visit in December, when its in the 70s.

tnd8863 said...

Hey. I saw that on your facebook wall you said thanks to everyone who sent you a donation.

You're welcome. Please keep up the good work.

(I wish I could attach a picture to my comment...)

Sarah L. said...

Oh, honey, that's one of the saddest stories I ever read. Did they ever find out what was wrong with you?? Thank you, by the way! Been a long day, and somehow your stories always manage to make me laugh and cry at the same time

Anonymous said...

wtf so you had super fever, lost consciousness, were delirious on the verge of hallucination, and no one admitted you to the hospital? how does that happen? lol my hypochondria wants to know.

Anonymous said...

Dear Allie,
I finished reading your entire blog yesterday, and today I feel like my face is going to catch on fire if you don't post something new for me to read soon.
I don't like it when my face catches on fire. Please help.

Love, Me

Jake said...

That's what you get for being a dirty griz :p

Just kidding... sort of.

Congrats on making it to regionals though!

KLanonymous said...

I deal with heat in much the same way. At my father's un-air-conditioned apartment as a kid, I'd spread out the plastic Twister mat on the kitchen linoleum and sleep there (in my underwear) in front of a box fan.

I've been known to carry a squeeze bottle of ice water when I have to be out in hot weather, and periodically I squeeze a bit on my head or down my back.

Regarding track meets: My cousin once ate a whole roll of Sprees on the way to a Jr. High meet, and when she finished her race she treated everyone to the most colorful vomit ever.

Love your blog. I never ever thought I'd type that sentence.

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Allie said...

Oh, that was truly hilarious! I'm sorry that you fainted and had some kind of horrific illness but it has made for a fantastic blog post! Love the drawings, too.

I can't even run in 25C so I have no idea what I'd do if I was faced with whatever the equivalent of 100 degrees is (I don't do Fahrenheit!) Oh, and you're about twice as fast as me at running. Just about everyone in the world is, mind you!

Wolf, no e. said...

I may get fired for laughing so hard in my office while reading your blog. Anytime I hear someone coming around the corner I have to quickly upright myself from my flailed position, once I pretended I was crying to cover up my laughter. At least that freed up the rest of my afternoon.

I tend to get sick similar to this. I once was sick in Arkansas because my grandmother turned off the fan in our cabin in the middle of the 100 degree night. I was sick the rest of the trip and to this day can't go to Arkansas without getting sick. That was 20 years ago and I still bring it up at family events. "Hey Mammaw, remember the time you almost killed me in Arkansas? Yeah. Get your own water."

KUDOS ON YOUR AWESOMNESS!

Wolf, no e. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wolf, no e. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chainsawllama said...

I lived in Texas (San Antonio for most of my life) for 27 years. Every extra year I was there I hated it more and more and more. Why? You guessed it. A million degrees every day. All day. Hardcore asphyxiating humidity which forces you at knife-point to either grow gills immediately or get the hell out before you drown in the air you are supposed to be able to breathe.

Kathy said...

I'm new to your blog. It was recommended on a messageboard I belong to. I just spent a few days reading through your entire blog and want MORE!! Keep writing and making us laugh.

Nicola said...

My psychotic airport experience occurred in Japan. After two days without sleep (traveling through multiple time zones), we arrived for a 12 hour layover in Tokyo. I had big plans to explore the area when the lady who was handing out customs forms said, "No, if you not stay night, we ask you please stay in airport. Thank you very much". Um, seriously? For 12 hours? When I've been in airport and airplanes for the last two days?!

So, there was that. Now I'm wandering around the airport with a tired 6 year old, trying to find ways to keep him entertained for TWELVE HOURS. We finally find a seemingly deserted place to sit down and have a snooze. When that blasted moving sidewalk lady starts up, both in a creepy cheery English accented voice and in Japanese.

Just as I'm trying my best to ignore her, this guy sits down at the faaaaaar end of our row of seats. There were at least 10 seats between him and us. He takes off his shoes and seconds later I am retching from his toxic foot odour that can be smelled half way through the terminal! Oh. My. God. Packed everything up again and mumbled like a homeless person as we made our way as far from the soon-to-be quarantined section of the airport.

Finally, we get on the plane. At last! We've just gained altitude when the college kid in front of my puts her seat back, right down into my lap. COMPLETELY lost it. She sat up straight for the remaining 14 hours of our flight.

mealsandwheels said...

God, I´m happy you survived!!!!!

Sara S. said...

All of your blogs are wonderful! This one had be laughing out loud in parts.

I can't wait for another one!!

Delaney said...

I completely sympathize about the airport breakdown. I turn into a raging lunatic when people are being loud and I can't get any sleep (WITH earplugs!). I fell asleep in an airport once, and it was pretty miserable. We had lost our luggage and had an unscheduled nine-hour layover and it was three in the morning and we had one more flight until we got home and I was crying and...well, I was probably screaming and talking to imaginary friends the whole time. Anywho, it doesn't sound too bad when compared to your traumatizing experience!

I found this website through a link on Facebook. It's had me in stitches all day!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Oh fuck me! I laughed so hard at this between the little drawings and the sick melt down ( been there ) I couldn't stop. And bullet holes in cars? Are you sure you didn't walk to Miami?

A Vapid Blonde said...

I have tears streaming down my face, tears of laughter. Too funny!
Your first 5k went way worse than mine.

John said...

I had an airport event just like your own! Well, other than the falling apart aspect. And it wasn't in or around Texas. And I wasn't feverish or otherwise high. And I didn't take refuge underneath airport seats. But I did buy a Philly cheese steak and drive off three people near me with it. It was in Philadelphia so I feel that this was warranted. There was really very little point to this anecdote except to try and find a common "we were both in airports" style kinship.

Anyhoo, this blog was just linked on the snopes message board a couple days ago and it is hi-larious. I am not sure if you are the master wit of your generation or are just legally insane but either way I am reading through your archive and have yet to discover a blog post that was not entertaining and meaningful.

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Anonymous said...

Do you have any family members with the name Amy Brosh?

Anonymous said...

Because a Darwin award was given to a blonde named Amy Brosh.

Shawna said...

I am terribly sorry that my home state disagreed with you so badly. Even having lived in various parts of Texas my entire life, I've never quite become accustomed to the heat/humidity combo in central Texas.

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading through your blog, and now find myself quite addicted.

Kraft Macaroni said...

In the track drawings, you look like a turd with a white belt on.

Sounds like you were pretty sick? I hope you didn't die.

Boigan said...

Thanks for the cool post! SUGGESTION: Maybe you could break up posts like this into 2 parts or more, and release them over time. That way we'd get to see the content more often, and you'd get the warm fuzzies of being able to post more. For instance, the Texas post could be Part 1: Ice cubes in sport bra race, and Part 2: Quest for juice and aiport insanity. That kinda thing!
Then I'd be rewarded more often for leaving your blog open all day and hitting "Refresh" every 7 minutes to no avail.

Guera Enfermera said...

Moral of the story: Never go to Texas. ;)
But if you do, I'll totally buy you a drink!

Anonymous said...

Allie I have only recently discovered your blog. However as someone who has also been blessed with ADHD I must tell you that finding your site is the equivalent of finding a PB&J (or a butter and honey sandwich for you) and a package of Crayola 3d crayons in the same day!

I love your blog ALOT!

Chad

Anonymous said...

Allie, I just read a marathon of the last 10 posts, and I wanted to award you this trophy for winning the internets.

Arlene said...

Allie where are you I need my funny fix lol :)

JW said...

You know, I always that people who melted down at the airport were crazy. But now I realize that these breakdowns take days to fully materialize.

Thanks, Allie, for clearing up my misconcpetions of the airport misfits.

Fox said...

hey Allie, what's up?

so, you probably won't even read this comment since now you're a superfamous blogger and all that stuff (whaaat?), but I just wanted to say something to you:

My name is Vinícius Alves (but you can call me Fox), and I am from Brazil. And well... I don't really know how I ended up in your blog, a couple of weeks ago, but I've read every one of your post. Every-fuckingly-awesome-one of them.

Your blog is one of the most awesome things I've stumbled upon in the wideworld of blogs.

congrats =]
keep it up!
Fox.

Strange Fruit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Strange Fruit said...

Relax. You write best when you don't try too hard.

Mallory said...

I hate O'Hare airport specifically for their obnoxious carts that they drive around for really fat people who don't want to walk (and the handicapped, I suppose). If you are walking and they come up behind you, they WILL honk at you. Not to mention if they do have someone in their car, they will have this continuous loud beeping noise. I get irrationally angry when I come in contact with one. Or with O'Hare.

Anonymous said...

haha. super funny

http://justmycrazyboringlife.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

You are hilarious and definately destined to win the internet. I've read your entire blog like a book. Once I started I couldn't stop and I was so sad when it ended. I have nothing else to entertain myself now haha. I wish you didn't have a real life so you could just constantly write funny things for me to enjoy all the time =]

Lauresul said...

The first time I read this, I cried laughing so hard and I couldn't stop. I had to reread it the next day to actually finish it and see the rest of the pictures since I was more prepared for how funny it is and didn't have tears in my eyes. Since then I read the rest of the blog!

Kat said...

Wow, I am so sorry. But that was quite an entertaining story you told. But I am so sorry it happened to you. :(

I really enjoy your writing and illustrations.

jessicajamey said...

Allie I miss having new posts to read about you! Come back to us soon!

jessicajamey said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Please be alive. And then let the adoring public you worked so hard to cultivate know you're alive.

The first part is really what we're going for here, but the second part would be cool too.

Anonymous said...

Please be alive. And then let the adoring public you worked so hard to cultivate know you're alive.

The first part is really what we're going for here, but the second part would be cool too.

Anonymous said...

Please be alive. And then let the adoring public you worked so hard to cultivate know you're alive.

The first part is really what we're going for here, but the second part would be cool too.

Anonymous said...

Please be alive. And then let the adoring public you worked so hard to cultivate know you're alive.

The first part is really what we're going for here, but the second part would be cool too.

Anonymous said...

pooooooooooooooost!more! arggghhh!! (that is the sound of me dying, you don't want me to die, cuz you'll lose a reader?... right?)

clara* said...

hilarious. and since my stomach muscles are rebelling against non-pain from a recent stupid injury it was a huge sacrifice to read this and laugh so hard.

D said...

Is she dead? :'(

Molly said...

I think I'm in love with you.

Not really, but I like your stories. You should tell more of them. Forever.

Tonina said...

I stumbled across your blog this afternoon and thought it seemed worth a read. A few minutes later, I was the proud owner of pulled abdominal muscles, a tear-streaked face, and a hoarse throat after I nearly laughed myself into a stroke! As a former cross-country runner who practiced and raced in a variety of utterly unsafe physical conditions, I absolutely loved your post (the uniform stuffed with ice cubes was AWESOME).

I'm contemplating a move from the Midwest to someplace cool like Scotland or Prince Edward Island because I hate summer heat so much. Running a race, with a high fever, in Texas of all miserable places, sounds like my personal version of Hell. You're my hero for this week just for sticking it out - let alone making it sound that funny! I'm now a devoted reader of your blog. Thanks for the laughs!

sarah zoo said...

http://www.youtube.com/user/ChickComedy#p/u/22/O27mb6B6SUI

she looks like you!
and if you did stand up I bet it will be really similar style too.

love your blog, just discovered it yesterday and read everything already!

Bud said...

I read your story. I laughed. I would have sworn you were 8 years old the whole time.

I got to the end of your story. I found out you weren't 8 years old. I laughed some more.

P.S. I think that store is still there. I pass by it on my way to work.

-bud.

Brenda said...

Oh, my God! I'm totally in a random (and I do mean random) possibly relationship ending fight with my boyfriend right now, so it made me feel guilty to laugh out loud, guffaw even, at this post. Which I did. A lot.

And then I thought, well, the world DOES go on.

Keep going, ladybug. You rock.

Melanie said...

Allie,
I discovered your blog when Jen from Cakewrecks talked about it in her blog Epbot. I have to tell you that you are fucking awesome and hilarious beyond anything I've ever encountered!!! I have bookmarked and have already read through all the archives.

I hope that all is okay with you and that you plan to post soon. While I can't say that I'm a veteran reader, I must say that I miss hearing anything from you. Please post soon, your public awaits!
-Melanie.

Samm said...

This was the saddest one I've ever read by Allie... I wish .. I don't know. I'm sorry for the way it's been for you, hope the body temp is more manageable-
Well wishes,
-Samm

FREDERIC BODIN said...

Omg, I love this blog SO much! It must have become pretty famous for me (a Norwegian guy) to come across it. I love the drawings. I often make illustrations like that myself, although I'm not as skilled in Paint as you are. *worshipping your awesome paint-skills*

Examples of MY 'art':
http://monophobia.blogg.no/1274880692_ekle_situasjoner.html

http://bloggfiler.no/monophobia.blogg.no/images/366109-11-1273673465698.jpg

http://bloggfiler.no/monophobia.blogg.no/images/366109-4-1265017601043.jpg


Anyways, keep it up. This is my favorite blog ever. I love your sense of humour! =D

Ellie said...

You're back!

Danielle said...

. i'm sorry this happened to you, but you're an excellent story teller - this made me laugh so hard i cried

Jess said...

Love it!!!! I found my way here through LJ..can't remember which community it was now...but anyway. I went and read the whole thing!! :o

All of it was absolutely brilliant. Will definitely be returning here.

SBC said...

Once I passed out in the bathroom of a Starbucks, courtesy of panic attack. It was gross.

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Anonymous said...

PLEASE
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chaoticpix93 said...

Oh Allie, what is up with you and getting sick all the time? Poor poor thing!

I should tell the epic story of the idiotic neighbor that your psychotic breakdown reminded me of. Quite hilarius and involves a car alarm that says "Step away from the car! BEEP boop, BANG BANG BANG!" and how the neighbors got into an accident and isntead of turning it off, let it run. For three days STRAIGHT!

Debbie said...

i'm crying so hard from laughing right now -- I know enough to say that you're fucking awesome and amazing! jesus!

LOJO said...

I got sent a link to you because I'm from Austin. Even if I wasn't this was the funniest damn thing I have read in a long time. (sorry you were sick btw)
Hope you're better now- come to Texas in the winter and it's nice....
BTW- I got the "you look like a damn 16 year old" until I was 32. It sucks....

Anonymous said...

Are you dead?

tnd8863 said...

This is a screenshot of my inactive Google Reader feeds. Look at what has gone the longest without an update.

<:'(

Sleepless in Sioux Falls said...

I feel (some of) your remembered pain - qualified for the state track meet in girls' high jump my senior year in high school and ended up with a case of mono that mostly affected my throat - every time I swallowed it felt like I was driving swords through my neck from every direction. I couldn't even swallow my spit, just used a cup to dribble into and blasted myself with every possible sore throat painkiller known to man. Also couldn't jump - still makes me want to cry...

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Linz said...

I just found your blog. You are freaking hysterical. I love the pictures and totally need a new monitor now because I spit soda all over the screen reading your post.

LC said...

Favulous, absolutely favulous. So glad I stumbled upon your little world here.

Rah said...

LOL oh man, I think my boss is wondering what's wrong with me. I've been giggling at my desk for the past 15min now, as I had been reading this. I've had some epic stories but this one is just insane. I wish I knew what happened after you ended it!

meleah rebeccah said...

I accidentally stumbled upon your blog [via Moog from Midget Man of Steel] and I'm so glad that I did. Because seriously, I think this blog post has to be The Funniest Story I have ever read in my whole life. [Aside from the fact that you were so sick!] You are such an awesome story teller. And your illustrations SLAYED me.

Bloody Gneisha said...

Yeah, so...I think I probably love you :) And I'm sorry you lost your race. I don't handle heat very well either. I live in upstate New York and while I don't think it gets as cold as Montana, the room we keep the computers in isn't heated so all last winter we huddled in here with mountains of blankets and a space heater. My normal attire was PJ pants stuffed into a long pair of socks (to stop the heat escaping, you see) with a pair of jeans over that, and generally a T-Shirt topped by a sweater topped by the biggest hoodie in the house and all wrapped in a blanket. Good times :)
We're moving to a new apartment that has heat all the way through it at the end of the month :D

Just Another Blogger said...

I'm relatively new to your world. I like it here. I'm still working through the old posts and loving every minute of it. You've even helped inspire me to start my own blog...though I can't imagine I will be as full of win as you are. I'm okay with that. I just am happy to be writing. So, thank you for that.

And thank you for the laughter...it is an amazing talent to make people laugh. :)



-JAB

Anonymous said...

I must say, I just love your blog! Laughing at ones illness and mishaps is so very bad..

But.. you make it impossible not to!!

My life... said...

Allie!!!!!!!! Please, Please, please put up a new post!!! We miss you!!!!

redsky said...

ha ha ha ha *lol*

Anonymous said...

We miss you

Anonymous said...

Love the posts.. actually I love all of them. You are a wonderful writer. BUT... you need to write more often :( It seems like recently there isn't a new post for weeks... what happened???? :(

Kernut said...

OMG! I just found your site and I love this post! You are so funny! And the pics are awesome! And I talk in all exclamation points! (I know, totally annoying). :)

mrschinik said...

I would like to buy that Champion girl on a T-Shirt and wear it to my next triathlon.

I know you're busy drawing, becoming famous, and freaking out over spiders, but don't you have some "people" you could get on that task ASAP!?

You make my life a better place to be - thanks!

MeLiZZa Video Blog said...

Lov3 Your Blog

Calder said...

I live in austin. I am on fire right now (about 103 f ).
Are you still here? (my teacher told me about your blog and I'm ten)

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