Texas

I have a distinct tendency to become sick or injured dramatically. This was most certainly the case the first time I ever visited Texas.

It all began at a track meet in Eugene, Oregon.  Despite suffering from a debilitatingly itchy, full-body rash brought on by a Flintstones vitamins overdose, I had the race of my life and qualified for the NCAA Midwest Regional meet in Austin, Texas.


I was beyond excited.  My days were filled with farfetched fantasies of how I was going to win regionals and then qualify for nationals and somehow win that too.  I visualized myself on the podium, bowing my head gracefully to accept my gold medal as the National Anthem played delicately in the background and confetti fluttered around me.  


I don't even know if that's what happens when you win a national championship, but that's the way it worked in my fantasy.  My entire existence was focused like a laser beam on that one race, sometime at the very end of May.  

However, there was a small part of my mind that recognized a few crushing disadvantages, chief among them the reality that the race was in Texas at the beginning of summer and I had been training all year in frigid Montana.  Add to this that I would be attempting to race a 5k despite the fact that I have never been good at handling the heat even when lying motionless on my floor in my underwear in front of a fan, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.  

But the reality turned out worse than anyone could have predicted. 

A couple of my teammates and I boarded the plane at 5:00 AM.  I had barely slept the night before because I was so excited about my race.  

When we arrived in Texas, I stalwartly ignored the heat waves radiating off the tarmac.  "I'll deal with it somehow..." I thought.  

After we checked into our hotel, I went for a little run to shake out my legs.  Immediately upon exiting the air-conditioned lobby of the hotel, I finally had to acknowledge the reality that my body is the opposite of good at dissipating heat.  It doesn't even try.  It's like it doesn't care at all about my well-being and comfort.   Less than a mile into my run, I was reduced to a shambling jog.  Breathing was like trying to insufflate syrup through a coffee straw.  It was at this point that I began to panic a little.  

I stumbled back to the hotel and took a shower to cool off.  The shower water was lukewarm and smelled like it had been siphoned out of a duck pond.  It was less than refreshing and made me smell like a swamp monster.  Still soaking wet, I lay down on my bed and tried to eat a banana.  My innards groaned like the Titanic just before it split in half.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, a tiny voice began to scream "you're gonna die!!!" 

After weathering another sleepless night, I dragged my protesting body out of bed and down to the lobby, intent on ingesting massive amounts of caffeine.  The coffee tasted like it had been made with the pond water that came out of the shower, but it served its function.  Aching joints and creaky innards aside, I felt like I was ready to take on the world. 


This was the high point of the entire trip.  It was the last moment I felt even vaguely lucid.  

The rest of the day was spent waiting in agonizing apprehension.  My bloodstream was a putrid slop of stress hormones and enraged white blood cells.  Something was obviously not right.  I tried to blame it on the heat.  I tried to blame it on my nerves.  It was more than that; an immune-system assault so massive that it singlehandedly managed to shatter my dreams and my dignity all in one shot.  

The hours leading up to my race went pretty much like this: 


And by that, I mean that I sat in my hotel room all by myself in a terrifying, delirious stupor, which I later found out was the result of a 104.5 degree fever.  In spite of my obvious illness (and perhaps due in part to my delirium), I remained steadfastly determined to go through with my athletic conquest.  I did not come all the way to Texas to let some stupid illness get between me and my dreams of glory.  

I don't remember how I got to the track.  I know I was supposed to walk there because it was only a few blocks from the hotel, but I have no recollection of the time between sitting in my room and actually arriving at the track.  What I do remember are the fireflies I saw on my warmup.  Let me tell you something - if you've never seen fireflies before, you probably should try to avoid seeing them for the first time when you're out of your mind with a fever.  I had no idea what was going on.   


I also remember being hotter than I had ever been before.  I felt like I wanted to tear off my skin.  The ambient temperature was nearly 100 degrees even though it was starting to get dark and the humidity felt suffocating.  I was still unwilling to admit to feeling less-than-adequate, so I stumbled around campus like a drunk, trying my hardest to keep my spirits up.  "I can do it!" I thought.  "I just have to believe in myself!"  It was pathetic.  

The more I jogged around, the higher my internal temperature crept.  By the time I changed into my uniform and racing spikes, I could barely focus.  The fireflies flitted around, taunting me with the unsettling feeling of not being able to tell if I was hallucinating or not.  In a last ditch attempt to maintain homeostasis, I packed my sport bra and racing briefs with ice cubes.   

Before I knew it, there I was on the starting line of the biggest race of my life;  melty ice water trickling down my torso and the inside of my legs, uniform packed full of ice cubes.   It looked like I had some sort of strange disorder that made me all lumpy and caused me to continuously pee on myself.  It was not one of my prouder moments.  


When the starter's gun went off, I sprinted off the line with the rest of the girls, ice jiggling around inside my clothes and flying out of my briefs onto the track.  

It did not take long for my championship dreams to fizzle out to a barely audible whine in the fuzzy depths of my consciousness.  


I fell further and further back from the rest of the field, but kept doggedly pursuing my quest for greatness until the moment I passed out.  


I remember trying to punch the volunteer who dragged me off the track before I completely lost consciousness.  The next few hours were a blur of concerned coaches and doctors and tubes and thermometers.  

That night, I couldn't sleep again.  I was so afraid that I was going to die alone in my hotel room that I crawled down to the lobby of the hotel and tried to sleep on one of the couches there.  


My logic was that if I started dying, maybe someone would notice and help me.  

Still delirious the next morning, I woke up and immediately decided that I needed juice more than anything in the world.  I would have shanked an infant for juice.  

For some reason, I thought that it would be a good idea to walk to the grocery store by myself.  I didn't even know where the grocery store was.  I just kind of picked a direction and started walking.  Every now and then I made a turn.  I felt like I was trusting my instincts, but really I was just wandering around hoping to stumble across a grocery store.  About a mile or so from the hotel, I began to notice that the houses on the street I was walking down had bars over all the windows.  There were bullet holes in a couple of the cars parked along the street and broken glass littered the sidewalks. That's when I realized I was not in a very good neighborhood.  And I was lost.  


This might not be a big deal for some people, but for a weak and possibly dying girl who spent most of her life in the woods of rural north Idaho, it was pretty terrifying.  I quickened my pace, which really only served to propel me faster in an unknown direction.  

Amazingly, I did eventually find a grocery store.  It was the most confusing grocery store I have ever been in.  First of all, most of the signs were written in Spanish.  I speak a little Spanish, but it did me very little good because there was no order to anything in the entire store.  The shelves were packed with various foods and toiletries, but none of it was grouped into any sort of easily-recognizable category.  The dry pasta was next to some random shampoo bottles and a box of Reese's peanut butter cups.  A few aisles down from that, there was more shampoo, but now it was accompanied by salsa and something called "energy balls" which appeared to be homemade chocolate balls with coffee beans stuffed into them, rolled up inside a plastic sandwich bag.  Birds flew freely throughout the store and a centrally-located tank of live lobsters made the whole place smell like rancid seawater.  It was like some horrific wonderland of confusion.  I was never going to find juice and I was never going to be able to go home.  I sat down in the middle of what appeared to be the "yellow things aisle" and began to weep quietly.  

Eventually a kindly man found me and asked me what was wrong in Spanish.  I tried to explain to him that I was lost and I really wanted some juice, but in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I asked him if I could "play puppy," which doesn't make any sense at all in that context.  Obviously perplexed, he led me to a lady named Angelica who had the best mullet I've ever seen and, perhaps more importantly, could speak English.  I asked her about the juice. 


Angelica led me to a slightly refrigerated back room where the juice was kept.  I selected a gallon jug of strawberry-guava juice, opened it right there in front of Angelica and began chugging. She looked displeased, but I was obviously not well and I think her sympathy won out in the end.  I followed her back to the cash register, paid for my juice with a sweaty wad of dollar bills and began the journey back to my hotel.  

All I can remember from this point in the trip is staggering down the street clutching my guava juice, trying my best to stay conscious in the hot sun.  


Just as I don't know how I found the grocery store, I have no idea how I eventually ended up back at my hotel.  I don't think anyone even knew I was gone. 

Later that evening, a few teammates woke me up and reminded me that I still hadn't celebrated my very recent 21st birthday.  This being the case, I was expected drink (read: buy alcohol for everyone else).  Being impulsive, I reluctantly grabbed my wallet and walked with my friends to a gas station (which carried juice and was only about three blocks from the hotel in the opposite direction).  I tried to buy a six pack of beer but my newly legal I.D. was turned down because it was out of state and I "looked like a goddamn 16-year old."  The cashier ended up selling the beer to my friend who was only 20 and had a fake I.D.  

Back at the hotel, I tried to halfheartedly drink a beer and talk with my teammates, but I think I just ended up passing out on the floor.  We had to wake up to catch a really early flight, so I didn't get to sleep very much.  I woke up feeling even worse than I had the day before, in a half-conscious stupor.  I remember lurching around the airport with my eyes closed, dragging my backpack on the ground, trying to just stay reasonably close to my teammates' voices.  

We had a long layover in Denver, so I tried to get some sleep under a row of seats near our terminal.  The airport was really quiet at such an early hour, but our terminal was right next to a moving sidewalk from which a very loud, automated voice emanated roughly every minute.  It was an annoyingly cheery robotic female voice warning people, in English and Spanish, that the moving sidewalk was coming to an end and to watch their step.  It seemed completely unnecessary and I think that's what really ended up getting to me in the end.  


It had been three days since I'd gotten over a few measly hours of sleep and it felt like that stupid lady-robot was forcefully robbing me of every bit of psychological integrity I had left.  After an hour of trying to sleep unsuccessfully, I finally got up to try to find a solution.  Anything.  If I didn't sleep, I felt like I was going to implode and explode at the same time, and whatever came out of me was going to be dangerous, possibly some sort of plague demon.  


And that's how I ended up having a complete psychological meltdown in an airport.  

546 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 400 of 546   Newer›   Newest»
Daniel Gardner said...

Your blog fills my morning with happiness like happy helium an otherwise shriveled balloon.

Bloggin in PA said...

I, too, have had sick denial. At disney. Ended up with me throwing up my ice cream all over the 3:00 parade.

Anonymous said...

This sounds eerily similar to the my first visit to Nashville. I got food poisoning to such a degree that the "disease" I contracted is now known in my circle of friends as "Satan's Bellybutton". The story culminates in almost getting killed (literally) trying to recover my stolen phone from a drug dealer in East Nashville (where the nice policeman later told us he is too scared to go without heavy backup). Hooray!

C. Andres Alderete said...

And Austin's a nice place. Be thankful you weren't running in San Saba. They kill sickly people there.

Riin said...

I went to Florida once when I was in 9th grade. I was there for 4 days and had heatstroke twice. I decided I had no need to ever visit Florida again.

I have no idea how people survive in the South.

Chandrielle said...

Oh FFS, you have people claiming to be first on your blog. Well, now you know you've hit the big time.

The Texas heat is here already. I effin hate it. Eff you, Texas heat. I'm moving to mothereffin Wisconsin. Or possibly San Diego.

Glad you didn't die.

whyimbored said...

Allie -

1) Hilarious. I think all the weirdest illnesses happen at meets.

2) Do you read all these comments? Weird.

3) Are everyone's random proclamations of love creepy? appropriate? or creepy?

Amy said...

Wait but what was wrong with you? Flu? Ebola? AIDS?

Anonymous said...

And there I was feeling sorry for myself for biting the end of my tongue! I mean, there was blood and everything, but nothing that could compare to your story... Man, you sure know how to deal with illness. Ever thought of writing a book about if for us lesser mortals that just curl up and go to bed when we're sick?!

omg said...

Oh my God, bless your heart. I live in Austin, and I cannot IMAGINE having a high fever here during the summer. I'm amazed you didn't melt down sooner - I'd melt down just sitting in my house with a fever that high in the summer.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Holy crap.

Natasha said...

I had almost nearly similar events happen to me when we (high school band) went to Georgia for the Peach Bowl. Right before leaving, I got sick and when I went to the school nurse (imagine pure evil if you can) and she told me nothing was wrong with me, despite the coughing and fever and hardly breathing. FYI, I found out after the trip that I had bronchitis.

So I went all the way to the Georgia (on a stinky school bus mind you) and marched my little battered body in the rain, barely spitting towards my saxophone, because actually playing it might have killed me.

Meanwhile, one of the chaperon's kept giving me Nyquil to sooth me, but it turns out you're not supposed to take Nyquil when you have bronchitis. So I sat around crying and growling at anyone that dared ask if I was alright.

Even worse, the event was sponsored by Chik-Fil-A, and all I remember eating was those nasty chicken sandwiches that have nothing on them except 2 stupid pickles... RAWR!

Oooh, the memories...

Ktbug Ladydid said...

Allie, I love you and feel your pain. I spent close to 24 hours running amok in a city with some friends, where the only thing I consumed was coffee. I traveled well over 10 miles on foot, and by the end of it, all I wanted were some scrambled eggs. So I had a psychological breakdown in a diner.

Breathe Gently said...

Haha, you poor, poor thing. I couldn't help but laugh - mainly because I remember stumbling around Dallas in the heat (OH THE HEAT) and getting completely lost. In the heat. Jeezers.

Ruth said...

I should not read this at work. I nearly died laughing. Thanks a lot. :P

I refuse to go to Texas because I'll melt. But then again I live in DC & it's humid as....I dunno, Satan's armpits?...here so. Meh.

soft nonsense said...

You know, I wouldn't have believed you were in dire need of juice until you asserted you would shake a baby for one.

Anonymous said...

Um. Happy birthday. I guess.

sanya said...

Were you okay in the end? Did you make it home and finally get some sleep and get all better? I mean, I know you're better now, but I want to hear the end of the story. *UNNECESSARILY CONCERNED*

Grant said...

So, did you have fun?

Ashley said...

I just feel the need to tell you that this made me laugh so hard I began crying. Thank you for this hilarious post!

KILLFACE said...

This post needed more cat rectum

Shelly said...

I love that despite being completely ill, you managed to notice the two worst things about Texas. 1) it's illegal to not be a Texan and 2) their water smells and tastes like death, fish, and mud.
The year I spent in Texas was the worst ever. I learned that the water makes me sick to my stomach, I'm allergic to the whole damn state, and that combining benadryl, Allegra, and Afrin will send me to the emergency room.

Jennifer said...

hahahahahhaha... oh dear. What an adventure. Well... in Austin's defense, it's actually a wonderful city. Unfortunately you happened to stay in the 'bad' part. Sounds like you ended up at Fiesta? My favorite thing about that place is that they sell roasted corn and shoes in the parking lot outside the door! Ha.... oh yea, and little mirrors with pictures of random celebrities printed onto them.

And yes, Texas is "hot as balls" as a previous poster commented. Probably why we all drink so much. Beer me that Margarita!

also... I'm glad you survived.

Anonymous said...

Allie, that's why we go running in the dark! No sun = less heat. http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/outdoors/7002601.html

Anonymous said...

http://www.iaapweb.com/gallery/10/chupacabradehouston/index.htm - night time race!

Anonymous said...

I was recently heartbroken, but by a stroke of luck stumbled across your blog a few days after. The balance of happiness in my life has not been restored, but is substantially more pleasant thanks to you.

matt said...

I had to stop reading for a few minutes to blow my nose. Have you ever had hot coffee shoot out your nose and all over your phone? It's not something I would recommend. My least favorite part about it was when my nose started bleeding.

But that's what happened when I got to the "Do you have juice?" picture. Now, at least, when I tell people I almost died laughing at your blog, it won't even be an exaggeration.

Chocolatesa said...

But what happened after that????

Mik said...

Dear lord woman, you need to boost your immunity system or something. This is twice now that you almost died due to strange circumstances. Sheesh. And don't sweat the race. Under that kind of stress anyone would have given up long before you did. Anyway, just... take better care of yourself.

Amanda, another priorfatgirl said...

thank you for making me laugh out loud multiple times in my cube at work. i attempted to cover my laughing with coughs, but i'm sure no one bought it.

missris said...

This post had me laughing out loud at my desk. Love it. I'm from Austin, Texas and I can tell you that even though I spent the first 24 years of my life there, it's HARD to get used to running in that heat. There are two options: 1) run in the dead of night when it's only 95 degrees and risk getting mowed down by a motor vehicle or 2) run at the crack of dawn and experience the soul-sucking feeling that comes when the longer you run the hotter it gets until you reach some critical mass and have to barf in the bushes on your crawl back to the house. It's so fun, running in Texas in the summer.

Anonymous said...

You are my favorite.

Anonymous said...

Allie, you have had more near death experiences than anyone I have ever known!!! Wow...these are always my favorite posts..when it's a story like this!! Yay!!

Salt said...

I flew cross country once with a terrible fever. They probably shouldn't have let me on the plane. Then when I got to LAX (where I had been about a billion times) I got lost because I was so out of it and started crying in the middle of the airport. And I was like 29 years old at the time. Awesome.

Anonymous said...

:c I'm sorry you had such a rough time. I can't imagine how bad you felt having to endure the heat in Texas, especially while sick. Being sick in hot weather is never any fun. Coming from Texas myself, I feel I owe you some sort of apology for your bad time. Maybe a virtual cookie will help. *cookie give*

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of when I had mono. I was so out of it and so delirious. It sucked. I remember hallucinating that I was in a shower stall surrounded by dead babies and other dead things. I didn't want to close my eyes after that!

Suzanne said...

Allie. I just read your 'about me' thing and let me tell you something. Birds Do It via what my Vertebrate Natural History professor (Doc Pagels, he was awesome) liked to call a 'cloacal kiss' and then do an imitation of it with his hands. With. His. Hands.

Naomi Hurst said...

I am laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my face and I've had to restart the post so my coworkers can see what I am laughing so hard at. I'm pretty sure this is the funniest thing I've ever read. :)

Librarian Who said...

I just love your blog! It never fails to make me laugh. Thanks so much!

Jocelyn Sawyer said...

AAAUGHH!!! NEW POST!!! Allie you are hilarious as always, and while I'm really sorry that happened to you I just can't stop laughing!

I hope this means your ovaries are feeling better.

Marie said...

I should remember not to read this at work, but oh well. HILARIOUS. I <3 Allie.

Anonymous said...

hope you have recovered fully from your mental break. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you survived Texas (barely) so you could tell us this and other amazing stories!

You don't have fireflies up north? I had no idea. I bet that would be weird to see for the first time.

Mer said...

I live in Austin and yes, it's balls hot. Right now, in fact.

I think you should come back when you're not sick--and when it's not in the triple digits. I think you'd enjoy it. :)

Jocelyn said...

I just found your blog like a week ago, and it's my favorite thing ever. I love your sense of humor and your impressive vocabulary. When I read the word "insufflate" I died of happiness a little bit.

Also, I live in Texas but am from the Midwest, and I could totally relate to the paralyzing heat. It's a bitch.

Also also, I am kind of obsessed with Spaghatta Nadle. Please oh please do more Spaghatta Nadle... otherwise I might start leaving a bunch of comments that just say "MORE SPAGHATTA NADLE!!!!!!" until you do. I have a pretty good 'Spaghatta Nadle' voice that I have created for the character, so if you ever want to make this an animated series I'm down for that. I totally have voice over experience. (No I don't.)

Thanks for being awesome and entertaining and smart, and I hope that you are all recovered from your mysterious illness.

<3 Jocelyn

P.S. I think my boyfriend has a crush on you, and I'm totally okay with that because you are that awesome. I'm pretty insecure, so that's really saying something!

P.P.S. MORE SPAGHATTA NADLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Please)

Anonymous said...

yay!! i've been waiting on pins and needles for the new post. it seems incomplete though - what happened when you had the psychological meltdown???

Dani said...

I have laughed at every other post you've published, but despite the awesome drawings and narrative I didn't laugh at this one...I did want to cry in a few spots, though! Maybe it's because I'm PMSing...

cast in the name of god, ye not guilty said...

So, I am a long-time resident of Austin and I'm pretty sure I know where your hotel was (if it was within walking distance of the track) and I'm pretty sure the grocery store you stumbled into is called Fiesta. If you ever come back to Austin, you should visit Fiesta in a more solid state of mind. It is actually a delightful wonderland of silly deliciousness, even if it doesn't make a lot of sense. Just go with it :)

Jenny said...

LOL awesome post.

Liz Tee said...

I think I accidentally took acid once at a concert back in the 70s. It felt a lot like that. I may have to have a t-shirt of the firefly drawing.

As sucky as your dramatic flair for illness must be to live with, it sure makes prime blogfodder!

I like it, Alot!
:)

Bunnypick said...

I'm the same way. Unless my illness causes my legs to depart from my body I will convince myself that I am well enough to go anywhere and do everything. I usually end up just like that. Crumpled in a corner somewhere muttering about dying and tacos.

Anonymous said...

You know, this reminded me of the time I had the stomach flu but my family didn't believe me and made me play in a basketball game anyway, during which I don't think I was ever 100% sure which side of the court I was aiming for, and after which I ate nothing but orange dreamsicle yogurt for 2 days. I don't eat yogurt anymore.

Diana Watson, Writer said...

Your suffering is our entertainment. Poor thing.

Anonymous said...

You were too sick to do all you did and even though I'm not and never have been a mother, I'm getting this urge to make you chicken soup, bring you juice, and tuck you into bed with a really fuzzy teddy bear. Or kitten, whichever you prefer. If you'd like, I'd even read Sookie Stackhouse novels to you. Your life is only rivaled by hers.

You may not have won the race, but you are full of win.

Writing Womb said...

Oh Allie, I just love your writing! Since you only post once a week now, it kind of makes it a treat and I get all excited and settle in to my bed and with a huge grin I read it! You have gone so Viral! God, last time i was here you had about 7000 fans now almost 10000 holy crap!!! That's awesome! congrats to you
The Naked Writer
http://www.thewritingwomb.com

Anonymous said...

this is awesome! i lol'd continuously. sounds like something that would happen to me =p

Jack Mackenroth said...

I love you. to bits.

Dumblond said...

Where were your teammates in all this?! What a bunch of self-involved bitches...

Brutalism said...

Anyone who can work the word "insufflate" into a story this funny is my hero.

Anonymous said...

I just want to crawl up inside your brain and find out how you come up with these ridiculous solutions. Are you sure you've never done any hallucinogenics? (:

Megan said...

Whenever he hears me laughing so hard I start wheezing, my husband knows I'm reading your blog. Today was no exception. Hilarious. I love your story posts!

Brian O said...

...and then you found five bucks in your pocket? Seriously, woah, what a depressing, overwhelming experience. But now I totally have to listen to Abba for an hour to feel better.

Bookzilla said...

As much as I wanted to laugh at some of the drawings, I just couldn't. I felt too bad for you. :(

I also think it's realllllly interesting that no chaperone seemed to be present anywhere. I know you were all in college, blah blah blah, but someone from the track meet should have thought, "Wow, 104.5 fever. Maybe we should take her to get some REAL medical care." We DO have hospitals in Texas, you know. Rather nice ones, actually.

Anywho, glad you didn't die. Sorry about the psychological breakdown. Especially since it happened at the airport, which is a lot like the 7th circle of hell.

Angie said...

Was that the eye of Sauron in your hallucination?

aliisyourfriend said...

I have *got* to stop reading this site at work. I try to stifle my laughs and it either sounds like I'm crying or like I'm having some weird sneezing/coughing fit.

mouse said...

I lived in the south from age 6 to age 28 and I *never* got used to the heat.

I moved from B'ham to Austin in August of '93, in my '83 Buick Skylark, which had everything I owned (including my only piece of furniture, a coffee table that fit on the back seat with its legs off). My car kept overheating. I was driving with the heat on full-blast trying to draw heat off the engine, and I had to stop every 20 minutes to hose down the radiator. Once I got in downtown Austin, on the lower part of I-35, my car completely gave up and stalled on the ramp. I wandered into a random building, dripping in sweat and miserable, the security guard at the desk "Can I help you?" me: "Can you help me push my car off the road before someone crashes?" Amazingly he did. A not-so-auspicious start to my grad school education! (Luckily Austin has lots of bus routes, and students ride free.)

Anonymous said...

I think this may be your best post ever. :)

C:) said...

so did you go medieval on a Skycap or eat a steward's face on the plane next? Yeah Texas heat is the worst. that's why i moved to LA. now if i could only afford to live here.

gretchen.ball said...

Oh Allie... I'm sorry about all that.... that sounds like my trip to Michigan... Note to self, the liquor is at the drug store.. you will NOT find a liquor store to save your life!... and it sucks that your getting sick happened when you were racing...

Least you have a sense of humor about it! :) We all love you for that! :)

Spain said...

Ha! I live in Austin... were you at the Fiesta grocery store, by chance? Kinda sounds like it from the description... also since it was in close proximity to the 'hood. Sounds like a horrific experience. Glad you made it out alive!

WordyGirl said...

You made a sad story hilarious. I simultaneously want to comfort 21-year-old you (and give you a nice quiet place to sleep) and high-five current you for being such a great writer.

xoxoxo said...

OMG! I was a distance runner in high school and college too, from Montana! I almost died of laughter because this is pretty much what happened to me when I went to XC Nationals in Kentucky! I feel for you lady!

Terri said...

OMG! I didn't laugh . . . mostly I wanted to reach out and give cartoon Allie and hug, and some juice! Okay, I laughed a little. Okay, screw it, I laughed a lot! But, I still wanted to hug cartoon Allie.

Beaver said...

I went to Austin last weekend. I couldn't pee due to all liquids being sucked from my body. I wore pants one of the days and immediately felt my mistake and considered suicide just to escape the pain. My shower water smelled very similar to yours though I equated it to fish tank water with a tinge of armpit. Those that live there seemed at peace which only made me want to hit them over the head with a stale loaf of the white bread that they love so much. Even had I possessed a loaf I would have lacked the strength to lift it higher than my vaginal region. Glad to hear I didn't imagine all this.

Minami said...

The strawberry-guava juice sounds delicious. :3

And I apologize for laughing at your misfortune. Can't help it ^w^

Anonymous said...

Friggin Hilarious but I have to say that the ending makes me go :( and all worried. Of all the places to have a psychological meltdown...and airport is the least healthy place I can think of...Besides a rural truck stop at 3 am in the Men's bathroom.

Abacus said...

Hi Allie

I look forward to your entries, and spent the time to read them all to date. I'm also a first time poster.

That was another great story but somehow left me thinking there is more to it ... it shouldn't have ended there. Perhaps the sequel is next.

I'm not a typical dot connector, but your previous post was about hate, and this was about illness leading to failure leading to hopelessness. I can't help thinking you're trying to tell us something else.

*hugs*

Anonymous said...

honey thats just plain pathethic
srsly
take care of your health
youre young
:S

wondrousitem said...

I'm pretty sure you're 98% awesome carefully shielded by 2% microsoft paint.

Also I would pay lots of money for a shirt that had the new pain rating chart on the front, and the explanations on the back. Just saying.

The Introvert said...

Wow. This sounds similar to my experience running a half marathon in the Texas heat...in November. So don't feel bad. I grew up in this stuff and I still ended up in the hospital with a 106 degree fever. See? http://www.jenniferplesko.com/2009/12/18/racy/

Nathan said...

I live in Texas(in Houston though, Austin is weird)and have been all my life. It still gets really hot down here. I read your post and I agree that it's worth talking about if you haven't been here. Fever sucks energy balls. Yeah, never buy those.

Also, ice in your clothes never works, should have gotten a towel, soaked it in cold water, and THEN put ice in it as if it were a basket. Pays off so much.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Ah...what a beautiful story. It rudely touched the cockles of my heart. The illustrations were especially moving...

Simpson said...

Do I need to tell you that this is my first time commenting? Are you keeping track, perhaps using an Excel spreadsheet? Yeah, you're definitely that organized.

Anyway, I can't believe the city of musical notes and rainbows did you wrong. Or kinda wrong, I guess. Apparently no one told you that you needed to be prepared for the possibility that the oppressive Texas summer heat-humidity could suck your soul and cognizance right out...ain't it always the way.

At this point, though, I compulsively feel that I must tell you that Austin is way, way awesome, man. I hope you can shamblingly jog your way back here sometime and experience it. You may be surprised to discover that the majority is not actually riddled with bullet holes and organized like Helena Bonham Carter's junk drawer.

Mrs. Hofeldt said...

DIA is probably the most annoying airport ever - especially with it's weird teepee roof.

However - the pinwheels in the underground tunnels make me happy.

Amy said...

I was SO EXCITED to see you had posted something, and the feeling only grew when you mentioned my hometown (Eugene), as I'm always surprised when people have heard of it, much less actually visited! Then you started talking about Texas heat, and I knew it was only going to go downhill...I'm sorry it was such a miserable run, but you certainly brought joy to my life by sharing it, so thank you for that!

Doll said...

I had a similar experience in NYC involving a subway car, an arcade, a subway station under construction, and a very bad acid trip. Okay, maybe not "similar" but somehow related, like distant cousins or the friend of a friend's brother who married your aunt's daughter's niece or something. Good times!

Matt said...

Holy freakin' crap... that's gotta be one of the best things I've ever read. Ever. So glad I stumbledUpon this blog a few months ago... plenty of lulz since!!

Elizabeth said...

My cheeks actually hurt right now from extended laughing and smiling. Chock full of WIN. New post = happier day.

Amora said...

I hate being sick away from home and I sleeping in airports for that same reason! You are too funny!

Katie said...

So if this happened a couple of years ago, I may have actually seen you run (in Eugene). Eugene is fabulous for runners--it's Track Town USA for a reason--but Texas...yeah not so much. Who the funk runs without being chased in 100 degree heat and super high humidity?! At least the super marathon in Death Valley is nearly humid-free (if over 125 degrees).

Also, I hate DIA. That place should be burned to the ground. I deeply feel your pain.

JAB said...

Allie--

Another great post! I'm sorry you're so sick all the time. I'm glad you put up the donation button, you deserve it.

Chocolatesa said...

@ Josin L. McQuein: Go look at her running pictures on Facebook you'll see they're really short shorts that they wear especially for running. I recognized them right away cause I had seen the pics.

Meagan said...

Has it ever occurred to you that you may have walked right in to Mexico? It sounds like that's maybe what happened.

Also, I don't know how you get yourself into these crazy situations! I'm selfishly glad you do because they make for hilarious posts, and you seem to come out of them alright, but damn! You remind me of my roommate who wasn't feeling well but "didn't want to be a bother" to her mom and ended up passing out and hitting her head on the open dishwasher.

William said...

Allie,
having just been diagnosed with Ebola/Hanta/AV blockage/PVC B.S - worst disease EVER, this post has boosted my spirits more than all the western medicine they are pumping in me.

Thank you!

Supersalwa said...

If my husband came home right now, I'm pretty sure he'd take one look at me and call 911, because I'm laying on the couch with tears streaming down my face, shaking with laughter that by this point probably sounds more like a puppy choking. So if we end up with police officers at our house who end up filing some sort of report against US for the false alarm, please be advised that I have every intention of blaming you.

Also, thank you for the use of the word 'insufflate.'

Barbara said...

I can't believe you actually attempted to race with a fever that high! That's dedication!

TOXIC said...

O.O wow. that must have been awful...
thank you for sharing tis traumatic experience so we can laugh! ^.^

Hayleigh said...

I can totally sympathize with you! Living in Calgary, Alberta, Canada for most of my life... and then going to a track meet in California pretty much killed me. After my race I ended up laying down under a row of bleachers (accepting my impending death) while my coaches and team mates panicked about not being able to find me.

PS I would eat an energy ball.

-Hayleigh ( http://hayleighbird.wordpress.com )

Em said...

I lived in Austin for 21 years and once I had a 103 fever when our A/C was broken and I got heat stroke and almost died. I can't even imagine your pain staggering around like that.

Also, I think I totally know what neighborhood you were in, and looking sick and scared probably kept you from being mugged. Muggers are much more likely to target semi-confident looking yuppies. Well done!

Eunice @ food4fit said...

OMG this was amazing. Haha I'm so sorry this happened to you, but hilarious, nonetheless. I'm doing my first race this weekend and I imagine it will go something like this!

Kristen said...

Maybe you wouldn't get so dramatically ill if you had stopped to accept some bedrest sometime before you were shoving ice down your pants and wandering through Mexican ghettos.

Just a suggestion =)

Ben said...

That's horrible D:

Oh, and you need to find out the brand of that juice. Just for me :3

becasquared said...

My two year olds are arguing over whether you're happy or sad in the airport series. I'm gonna have to side with the one that said that you were sad and beat the other one about her armpits.

Cristin said...

And THEN what happened?!
And is that the Eye of Sauron? Or, Dick-slit, as I call it.
Keep writing. You make my boring life a little more bearable.
I hear the birds chirping at 6am and think, "I'm a bird! I'm a bird! I'm a bird!"
Hope you're feeling better regarding your womminly problems!

michelle said...

wow, we find out that you're not only funny, but you're tough as nails too. Making yourself run, in the heat, when you are that sick is phenomenal. Good job!

michelle said...

Ok, I know I just commented, but I wanted to add that I'm supposed to be studying for a big test tomorrow, and I can't stop reading your blog, so, if I fail, I'm going to blame you. Don't worry, it won't make me love you any less :)

Lisa said...

Oh Allie, you poor little thing!

tdot said...

UMM WTF HAPPENED NEXT? WHERE IS THE REST OF THE STORY??? -CHEWS NAILS- HOW DID ALLIE BROSH MAKE IT BACK TO SAFETY?!

Graygrrrl said...

Ha ha! Viva Tejas!

People have no idea how hot it gets here unless they live in the south. Sorry, southwesterners- it cools off slightly at night in the desert.

Sorry you had a bad time, but you should give Austin another chance. It's made for your (and my) kind of crazy.

Liz said...

"It looked like I had some sort of strange disorder that made me all lumpy and caused me to continuously pee on myself."

This is my favorite line. This is what made me laugh out loud uncontrolably.

Acacia said...

Thank you. Finding your blog has been the best thing ever! I'm sorry you suffered (I hate heat too) but your stories and illustrations make me laugh so hard I can't breathe! I have to force myself to look away so I can scroll down to the next picture, otherwise I sit here wheezing with tears running down my cheeks from laughing so hard. I sound like a spastic pekingese and my glasses are spotty. Thank you!

Tropical Thinker said...

You know, the store you described reminds me of one from my home island. Except instead of Spanish, you got people talking in Korean or Filipino.

Been in Colorado, gone through DIA. Beautiful as the place is, I am not a cold-weather climate type of guy.

And glad you lived through that experience, minus the whole psychological meltdown at the airport deal.

Daniel K said...

Wow.. I felt really bad for you and had the biggest urge to hug you and sing lullabies while reading this post.. funny stuff as usual though!

NEXT TIME YOU HAVE A >104-DEGREE FEVER, STAY IN BED/CALL THE AMBULANCE.

Anonymous said...

I'm totally in love with your posts. Currently, I work at an advertising agency and every time I go to work, your page is always my first destination.
Thank you for sharing such amazingly crazy posts. It is what keeps me going through the day.
Keep it up!

-Allie's slave

Christina said...

Absolutely HILARIOUS, thank you so much for telling (and illustrating!) the story :)

cajunspicemonkey said...

I had a similar experience (thankfully I was in my own home..you'll see..wait for it)

All headachy and queasy feeling but not suspecting I was completely out of it. I thought I was just catching a cold, went to bed, woke up a few hours later running to the bathroom.So very sickly, I proceed to projectile vomit into the toilet from the doorway..still trying to get closer to the toilet.

Apparently I missed the urgent squealing my colon was giving!How do I put this delicately? Toilet and holding the garbage can in front of me has always been my m.o. This time I decided to completely lose my mind and try something new.

I ended up with fluids from several orfices making an appearance on the wall, floor, cupboard and drapes.
Sweet baby Jesus I'm glad I had remembered in my haze of body fluids to slam the bathroom door on my way in. I hear this quiet tapping and my husband asking me if he could come in to help me. I'm yelling at him in between bodily functions not to open the door..DO NOT COME IN! (Thankfully he has a vomit phobia)
I ended up sitting on the floor in my own filth, naked, sweaty, sobbing like a baby and trying to clean up.

My husband couldn't stop laughing when I told him why I was in there for an hour...sigh.

mollination said...

Nothing can garner my sympathy like cartoon-Allie-in-pain-sadness-despair.

I actually feel real feelings for the cartoon version of you and say "awww" to my computer.

Anonymous said...

As another Austenite/Austinite/whatever the hell we're called, I must say that I understand such pain. What's worse than 104 degree temperatures outside or in your body is when you have them both at the same time. I think I don't get sick during the summer because no virus is mean enough to try something like that on me.
This whole time, I was being creepy and trying to figure out which hotel, store, and neighborhood this might have taken place in.
Why, today I was walking around downtown rather aimlessly in ridiculous heat myself, and when I got home, I felt awful and took an hour long nap.
But, in true Austin fashion, I must tell you how good it was that you weren't in Houston.

oslothecat said...

I had an airport meltdown courtesy of blaring airport messages, too. After delays and reroutes that left me stranded for over 24hrs on minimal sleep, i managed to find a cot in an empty terminal...which promptly began testing the fire response system every half hour. Then a team of zamboni vacuums descended to create the perfect storm of nonstop grating noise. A kind-hearted zamboni driver took pity on me and offered me his extra set of earplugs after i started screaming, beating the ground, and throwing whatever was handy. Fortunately, this was before the era of the terror watch, otherwise i surely would have ended up in guantanamo.

Rebecca said...

OMG did you know about this!?

http://maiyamayhem.blogspot.com/2010/06/alot-of-fun.html

Rebecca said...

Also you make me laugh harder than anyone has in a long time. Thanks :)

Rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

I think you might be the most interesting person on the internet, ever. :D :D

I particularly enjoy the fact that you were super itchy from eating too many flinstones vitamins... I mean, not in a sadistic way, of course...

BAHH I LOVE YOU

Sally Comes Unraveled said...

So what was the cause of your psychosis? The heat alone? It sounds like something else was going on.

If it makes you feel any better, I grew up in Austin and I currently live there. Still, when I leave an air conditioned building in a hot day, I wonder why God is punishing me.

Biggsy said...

Another amazing post. Thanks for always making me laugh! Your drawings are AWESOME!

myra said...

Greatest blog post ever. I'm new to your blog and I could NOT stop laughing. Love the depiction and the story.

If you come back to Texas, be sure to let me know. I'll make sure you don't end up walking to a Spanish grocery store via a gunshot-strewn street :)

Julia said...

Oh my god, I'm so sorry that I'm sitting here in my apartment quietly sporfling at your pain, but the way you tell it, it's so damn funny.

I once was at a curling championships (I know, so Canadian it's ridiculous) and had to sit out the first two days of games because I was lying on my hotel bed with a 103 degree fever hallucinating people on the ceiling. It was freaky.

Mozart said...

There are no fireflies in Montandaho?

Strange Interactions said...

This was the saddest, yet funniest, blog post that I have ever read. I was calmly reading your post and eating a Chipotle burrito when I read "I would have shanked an infant for juice."

And that's when I spit said burrito all over my computer screen from laughing so hard.

Thanks :)

Elizabeth said...

As someone with sensitive skin and frequent rashes, can I commission a t-shirt with the "This is the happiest and itchiest day in my life!" pic on it? Pretty please?

Daniel said...

i want to hear more about the psychological breakdown in the airport!

i grew up in Texas, so I guess I'm used to the heat...

Erin said...

this is probably up there with one of my favorite stories that you've ever told, and the pictures are fantastic. Always perfect, lmao.

I cackled right out loud with the talk about the fireflies and the picture that went with it. Brilliant.

Kate said...

Oh Allie, you poor thing.

I am also prone to nervous breakdowns when sleep deprived, as my workmates and neighbours can attest. XD

Glad you made it home intact!

Ann said...

COACH is a well-known brand Coach Outlet,Coach has all kinds of handbag designs Coach Handbags,All of these kind of Coach totes,The bow tie was find from ralph lauren polo, This offer has no cash value ralph lauren outlet,There are also various types polo ralph lauren,The pocket is usually slanted lacoste polo,The signature of crocodile is Moncler jackets,This is of classic fit Moncler,As we supply great A quality Moncler coats,We thank you for your attention gold ghd,this was worn by ED Hardy,who work in japan. its original Discount ED Hardy,all the shoes from us ED Hardy Outlet

Anonymous said...

Pretty sure I read this while listening to Beethoven's 5th. . . and it was glorious.

tracytinkerbelle said...

I'm SO sorry you had such a horrible/hilarious experience here. I laughed so hard I had to grab my stomach and cry.
Having been born and raised in Oregon, I now live in Austin, TX. Austin is a great city (where it gets hotter than the depths of hell in the summer and the water really does taste like pond scum). I mean, other than those things it's great. I mean how can you not love fireflies? I watched them in my backyard this very evening and felt just like a little kid who won the BIGGEST prize...
Thank you Allie for making my unbearable life in hell - well, bearable!

Anonymous said...

AHH! MY GOSH I LOVE YOUR BLOG! I sort of want to kidnap you and keep you in my pocket so you can keep me laughing all day...Wow did I just actually say that out loud? So not creepy at all...ANYWAYS! Thought I'd just leave a comment sayin' how awesome you are, cuz you're pretty dang awesome (or at least your blog is...you might be a toad in real life for all I know...) and we have the same name...I usually don't comment unless I'm within the first 20 comments (since after twenty I'm like "What the hell, they probably won't even read that many comments anyways" and don't say anything, since I know I wouldn't want to read all 400 oh woops sorry 400 and ONE comments...) And now I just cut that probability of you reading this in half...Since it's all long and just a whole bunch of babbling. Whatever I don't care...HEY! Maybe I could set the record for longest EVER blog post! THEN YOU'D HAVE TO READ IT! Then you'd think 'wow this girl is pretty interesting, I'm gonna head over to her blog RIGHT NOW' (and then be dissapointed with how boring it is...but whatever. at least you visited it). Ok, really. This comment is getting WAY to long and out of hand, 'specially for something that no one is probably ever going to read....(this turned out so long I feel like I have to put a formal ending to it no...umm.) Soo, ummm...Yeah...

Bye! (Yeah, laaame. It's all I could think of...)

Anonymous said...

Oh and sorry, I think 401 was wrong...But it's still a ton,not my fault blogger doesn't even know how to count a measly 350 (or whatever it is) comments! Just kidding, so not measly (just to let you know, in case...Since you can never really tell over the internet...And by the way, i actually NEVER use the word MEASLY in real life...Just felt appropriate in this situation)

Anonymous said...

Wow, try and ignore all those spelling mess ups...Since I'd go back and correct them but this it turning out WAYY to long...Like maybe even longer than your post...So just read my mind and fill in the places that don't make sense.

Woops that's not possible, almost forgot...Well then just ignore that big thing of random words up there...

Jaded Unicorn said...

I live in Austin and i have to say that i am very sorry that this state almost killed you.
But you made it through and at the risk of being struck by a hate spiral in the rain, that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Sarah C. Jackson said...

You really didn't have very observant teammates. I can't believe no one was watching you after you passed out during the race!

What is up with the voice announcing the end of the moving walkway? Can't they just put up a sign if they're worried about liability?

Austin Eavesdropper said...

Omg - Austinite here - I'm pretty sure the grocery store you were in was "Fiesta," which is near my house. :)

Austin Eavesdropper said...

Also Allie...when are you going to get a book deal or magazine cover or blog advertisement offer from the World Bank or SOMETHING. Not just saying this, but I really do feel like fame/fortune is kinda imminent for you!

cocacolna said...

Oh Allie, you're the best. While I was reading, I really wanted to give you a hug to make you feel better...but I giggled at your misfortune instead. Sorry :(

Eve said...

You must, must write a children's book. I read this before I put my children to bed and read them some insipid nonsense called "My Littlest Pet Shop Best Friends". And, the entire time, I was laughing, imagining, instead, the book YOU would have written. My daughters kept asking me why I was laughing (is the book funny Mommy?) but I couldn't explain. Please, save me from insipid nonsense and write a book for children, maybe about the adventures of the Alot?

Jeff Moore said...

Definitely a new classic. One of the best.

Sara said...

gaaaaah i love you so much.

Eric said...

I live in Austin and am fairly certain I know exactly what grocery store you are talking about. Its sketchy in that part of town. Sorry the heat here nearly killed ya.

Its totally worth checking Austin out during SXSW during spring break time.

Thank you for all the laughs. My wife is jealous I laugh so hard at your blog.

Pocket Sized said...

Oh, the beauty of finding this new post when I am unable to sleep! Now that I have recovered enough from my hysterical laughter to compose this comment, I have to note that on top of the brilliant writing and drawing, you also taught me a new word!

I can't wait to use insufflate in an appropriate sentence, even if I must trump up the circumstances to do so.

Naz said...

As a resident of Texas (Sugar Land...cute name, yes?) I can tell you that this is how we all feel %100 of the time. I am sorry.

The only thing I have to add is that when I dream of dragons, the outcome is always totally rad.

James said...

Aww. I've felt like that before. :\

Anonymous said...

Dear Allie,

I have just found your blog today when I saw it recommended by the very funy Jen from Cake Wrecks and Epbot. It is scarily amazing how much I identify also with your sense of humour and thinking, albeit I don't think myself as funny as you, I 'get' you. I read back today as far as Jan 27th, and I had to stop there because I squeeed when I saw you are a rat lover like me (I have 5 boys atm). I apologise for dredging up such a sad time. I myself lost one of my girls that way several years ago. Huggs to you, she was a cutie. On a brighter note, I am loving your stories and drawings, and will continue to read all of it and beyond. Keep it up. Spagatta Nadle is insanely funny.

Poly <:3 )~~~

Andrew said...

My favorite incident with an airport announcement was when I heard "May I have your attention please: if there is anyone in the terminal who has not already done so, please do so now."

I looked up and saw one old lady that had also noticed. She then told her husband, and he got up. In what I consider to be a missed opportunity for the ages, she stopped him and explained what had happened. I really wanted to see what was about to happen, because that guy appeared to intend to do so.

HeatherM said...

WOW. The entire time I was reading the post, I would gigglesnort at the drawings, and then bite my lip and feel bad because why am I laughing while reading such a sad thing? And... yeah.

While I've never had a situation exactly like that, I do know how it feels to get overheated, deny it, and eventually have your body give out because of it. I live in the desert, but I grew up in San Diego and my body seems to have never accustomed itself to desert-living, even though I've lived here for eight years now. During the summer, in 110-plus degrees (I think the highest last summer was 116), I cannot stay outside for more then five minutes at a time. I literally get dangerously overheated just walking from the front door to the parking lot. I have a very stubborn/pushy mother, and she used to INSIST that I go places with her despite the heat. I think she finally stopped insisting after I basically passed out in Walmart one time.

Ciao said...

Oh dear. I live in the south and I must say running outside in the heat literally feels like you're running through soup!!! I know how it feels to have a psychological breakdown at an airport :( once I was flying home from Wisconsin from speech and debate nationals and some people in our group's bags were too heavy so they shuffled around some stuff. Somehow my carry on backpack got all the bathroom bags (with liquids!) put in it. I was distraught going through security!!! I think the woman and I began yelling at each other and in my broken mental state I threw away an entire container of toothpaste and a perfume bottle because I just didn't care! It also did not help that I am brown (aka of middle eastern descent). Utterly terrible!

V said...

I have a sudden intense craving for juice...

And I loved the Fireflies picture.

And I'm glad you survived. Mostly. A little bit. You seem relatively intact now.

And YAY NEW POST!

And :3

airshoes said...

I like your blog. Thank you. They are really great .
Some new style Puma Cat shoes is in fashion this year.
The Nike Air Shoes is a best Air Shoes .
Red Shox is good and Cheap Nike Shoes.
If you are a fans of Puma basket,we would offer the good and Cheap Puma Shoes for you .the nike shox torchis best christmas gift now.
Running Shoes
Nike Shox R4
Nike Air Force Ones
Speed Cat
The information age is really convenient .

Bob "Sinead O'Connor" Dole said...

O.o I do not approve of penguin genocide. No matter how much delirium is involved.

I too am a borderline hypochondriac that avoids going to the doctors. Oh pleurisy, you were a bitch.

Elon said...

I just want to let you know, you are definitely the best thing since sliced bread.

Possibly the best thing since fire.

Stela James said...

I enjoyed this post so much.
part time jobs

Anonymous said...

I too am a resident of the wonderful state of Texas, and I'm sorry you had such a bad time with our weather. I think you almost have to be born here to ever acclimate to it. We are very nice people, though. And, hey, at least you got to see some fireflies.
Seriously, with you previous "weird heart" post, should you be running!?!?!

Anonymous said...

You get funnier with every post! I absolutely love this blog and always look forward to new posts. You are hilarious! Keep up the awesomeness! :-D

strachan33 said...

@ Anonymous:
"As another Austenite/Austinite/whatever the hell we're called..."

You are an Austinite, as Austenite is a type of steel... unless, of course, you are a robot in disguise.

Ryan said...

You know who's fucking awesome?

You, dude....you

Perpetua said...

LOL Allie! I'm so sorry that you had such a horrible time, but of course, the way you tell the story allows everyone to look back and laugh. :D

I'm delurking now; Sparknotes linked your Alot post a few weeks ago, and I read all of your blog entries, and I peed in my pants every time! I'm a total fan of you and Boyfriend! So keep your eyes peeled (not literally, ew), 'cause I'll be around! :D

sarah joelle said...

this almost made me pee my pants. you're a genius. and a half.

Elizabeth said...

This is like deja vu! I am from Eugene, OR and spent all last week sick as a parrot in Austin, TX. Though I was on a work trip, I also did the incoherent stumble to a grocery store and was dragged out against my will to go drink (buy others drinks). I spent my last night in Texas hysterically sobbing in my hotel room because I hadn't slept in days; was dying from the heat and trying to convince the corporate travel arranger to let me stay one more day to sleep before getting back on the plane. (which was late, thus missed the connection meaning it took 26 effing hours to get home) I literally kissed my car when I finally found it in my home airport parking lot, it was covered in jet fuel and tasted like satan's butthole.

Michael said...

You should totally give Texas another shot. There's a 50k in late July that might not kill you: http://www.elscorchorun.com/.

Keith said...

Oh, honey. I just want to bring you juice and a blanket now.

beckett said...

Don't worry -- I live in Texas and this story is basically everyday of my life.

Texas public schools make you go run around outside for PE and the only time they let you INSIDE is when it's OVER 105 degrees.

High school was hell.

Kate said...

So funny!

Anonymous said...

yea, i live in houston. this kinda heat is what we get everyday. except for the 3 weeks of fall. no winter, just fall. which is pretty much just a less lethal version of the burning inferno we live in the rest of the year. and for someone who hates the heat with every fiber of her being, houston is not the ideal place to live.

Les said...

First: Eugene is a wonderful place to run (grew up in Springfield, just to the east). Second: Flintstones vitamins... wonder if it might have been an allergic reaction to red dye (my son had that). Third, you rule!

Anonymous said...

Being an Austinite, I'd like to apologize for your shitty first experience here in Texas. Yes, it is balls ass hot here, but it really is a nice town. You were probably somewhere in the ghetto in East Austin and the grocery store you found was more than likely a Fiesta. You should come back in the spring and check out downtown, I promise it's a cool city! :)

Boots said...

i felt palpably relieved when you finally got some juice, lmao

Ken said...

Hilarious! Great pictures!




-Ken
Core Bits

Anonymous said...

thanks for the laughs, allie. you make the world a little brighter.

Megan said...

Well, I'm glad you were okay! I did track in college, and my coach threw me out of practice one time for working out while I was sick.

I also ran a meet sick. Was it an important one? Of course not...but I wanted to run nonetheless. Trust me, Trying to come out of starting blocks while your head feels like it's going to explode is not fun!

Austyn said...

Love it. You are so lucky that you didn't end up with something crazy like rhabdomyolysis as a result of your temperature attempted racing. I was worried that's where it was headed, and curious to see how you would depict that.

malie said...

Will you follow me around and tell my stories for me? Everything is so much better the way you tell it.

Nicole said...

Texas weather is pretty bad.
I would know.
I live in Texas. And it makes everyone want to rip their skin off.

Funnyside said...

Hilarious and Awesome.

Your fellow contestants must have thought you had rabies or were propped up with an ungodly performance enhancement drug, normally reserved to treat sick gorillas:)

Lexie said...

Ugh - I spent half of a Hawaiian vacation holed up in my hotel room with H1N1 last November. You have my empathy.

You went to school in Montana?? I'm a Missoula native!

Christina In Wonderland said...

Yeah, see, and Texas is just a dry heat. Be glad you weren't racing in Georgia or Louisiana. That might have actually killed you.

BUT I"M TOTALLY GLAD YOU LIVED!

Even though I'm sure the embarrassment and awfulness nearly did you in.

But I still love you. *stalk*

Quix said...

Being from Austin, this cracks me up. It's like bad block, good block - you never know... where I live is totally upper middle class, where the neighbors bring you cookies at Christmas (like it's still the 50's), and less than a mile away is like the hotspot for gang violence on the north side of town.

And as the 105 temps we're expecting tomorrow - yeah, not the place to try to run with a fever in summer. At all. Glad you lived to tell the tale!

Renny said...

Allie Allie Allie. You light up my life. Seriously.

Uncle Staple said...

Sorry you had such a bad time here. you should return when the weather is nice, like in the spring, if only for the BBQ.

:)

Marjorie said...

I had the flu last year and I swear I felt exactly that insane. As always this post was hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

Anonymous said...

oh jeezz. sry about that. im tempature sentive when it comes to the heat too. i would've broken down too... =P

Anonymous said...

:) Definetely(God, why can I never spell that right?)one of your best posts! Loved it!

Jamie said...

Skeleton Man + Eye of Sauron = Comedy Gold. And, also, the stuff of nightmares.

I've always admired people who can make a horrifying experience funny. My uncle tells a hilarious tale about when he was car-jacked in Minneapolis once and almost died (true story, and yes, he really does make it funny). You remind me of him, and that's a compliment.

Anonymous said...

This was the first post I've ever read by you Allie...what a treasure!! OMG your hilarious writing and your hilarious pictures! "I'm going to be a Champion" and you and your guava juice KILLED ME! (And the fireflies one...) I've been reading backwards and will probably finish all your posts before long :) Your misfortunes read the MOST hilarious! The picture "Do I look pretty?" ALSO killed me on the post about another illness!!! Keep 'em coming!!! :)

Your newest fan
~Bethy

PS - Hope you feel better and find out what's been making you sick! Send this blog to Dr. House...:D

Jaleh D said...

Ahahahahaha! I don't know how you do it, but you turn the horriblest tragedies into the most belly-aching funny stuff ever.

And you've got some funny readers, cause the comments have just kept the giggles rolling with the scrolling.

Lorien said...

Holy COW! We live in Denver so have to endure those announcements every time we fly! Sometimes if we talk on the phone at the gate, the other person will chime in, "Moving walkway is nearing its end, please watch your step. Thank you." I guess someone fell over once and sued so now they have to be obnoxious about it. So glad you survived Austin! We just came back from there. Fabulous town but yeah, it could melt the tires off your car.

strachan33 said...

WAIT! The Austenite/Austinite question...

Was that a really nerdy/really awesome reference linking hot Texas weather and the intense heating process used to make austenitic steel?!?!

...or is a nerdy engineering grad (me) reading too far into simply being unsure of the spelling?

I love engineering puns. *blush*

Reminds me of this: http://www.explosm.net/comics/1999/

strachan33 said...

ps. "keeping the giggles rolling with the scrolling" is an awesome line. I giggled at that as well, so you can count yourself in with the awesome commenters that you complimented! :-D

Danielle said...

Bwahahaha, holy crap! You poor thing. I'm wiping tears and makeup off my face now from giggling so much.
I spent my childhood years in SD and yeah, my body doesn't handle heat well. At all. Yuck.

Conor said...

As bad as I feel about saying this, I think the stories of yours that I enjoy most of yours are the ones where you almost die or are mentally or emotionally scarred. I'm sorry.

Taylor said...

So my mom and I are sitting here watching this old Julia Roberts thriller (Flatliners. We're probably the only people to watch it since it came out in 1990) and in the middle of a really creepy/suspenseful scene in the movie I burst out laughing because I was simultaneously reading your blog. Now my mom is giving me weird looks.
Thanks a lot, Allie.

JSP said...

Poor Allie :S The fact that I can laugh at your misery just makes it all the more interesting :D

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 400 of 546   Newer› Newest»