Thing Of The Day: Cords Rating: NOT AWESOME

Hello Cords,

This letter is addressed to all of you even though it is directed only at particular members of your alliance, namely: iPod headphones cord, iPod charger cord, venetian blinds cord and sweatpants drawstring.  

I am tiring of your shenanigans.  Just yesterday, I went looking for you, iPod headphones cord, because I had the urge to discreetly listen to music.  When I found you, you were lasciviously wrapped around iPod charger cord even though I had put you away neatly coiled around yourself.   I apologize if I did not make it clear that I expected you to stay that way.  I guess I didn't realize that you were retarded and completely unable to pick up on subtleties.  Allow me to spell it out for you: K-E-E-P  Y-O-U-R  C-O-I-L-S  T-O  Y-O-U-R-S-E-L-F.  

I know that you are wildly attracted to iPod charger cord, but Christ man, try to respect my feelings a little.   Contorting yourselves into every position in the Kama Sutra simultaneously makes it really hard to separate you when I need to use one of you.  It is also uncomfortable for the other things on my desk.  

Venetian blinds cord, your narcissism is alarming.  Your almost pathological autoeroticism is beginning to impact your work performance.  I called upon you today to open the blinds only to find that you were irreversibly tangled up in an orgy for one.  I spent the better part of the morning trying to straighten you out, but despite my best efforts, you are still all kinky.  I may be forced to use the scissors if I cannot get through to you.  It is really fucking sunny and I am losing my patience!

Sweatpants drawstring, just being in the privacy of the washing machine does not make it okay to rape the other clothing.  My underwear and socks do not appreciate being forced into a three-way with you.  I do not appreciate having to rescue my underwear and socks from said three-way.    And don't get all pouty and retreat into the waistband of my sweatpants - it won't change the fact that I am mad at you.  


A message to all of the cords in my household:  These four offenders have been found guilty of lewd acts that I know all of you are capable and willing to commit should the opportunity present itself (I am especially talking to you, Christmas lights).  Please take note of the repercussions inherent in these actions before you decide to act upon your impulses.  

Good day!

-Allie

7 comments:

Julie Innis said...

oh my god, I am laughing out loud! Great stuff - glad I found your blog!

Caitlin said...

if they act up again you should put the ipod headphone cords in solitary confinement (coil them up and stick them in a cassette tape case)

and if the christmas lights decide to act out in protest to said ipod headphone's solitary confinement....try wraping them around pieces of cardboard.

Allie said...

It's a fantastic idea, but who has cassette tape cases just lying around? Are you from the past? Hello? 1980? I think I have one of your people in my time. Get it out, please... :)

See, now, cardboard is much more modern. I have some of that.

rambunctiously softspoken said...

oh, come on! you don't have cassette tapes lying around from when you were a kid???

well.....i guess no. you wouldn't have them in your current place. but i bet your mom has some!!

Kr!st!n said...

You are my new favorite thing on the internet (yes, even more than the youtube video of that guy singing "Pants on the Ground"). I especially love that you included Christmas lights at the end. Those bastards had it coming.

Galadriel said...

I love you for correct usage of "discreet."

Trish said...

For some reason, I read this sentence:
It is really fucking sunny and I am losing my patience!

as:

It is really fucking with my sunny and I am losing my patience!

What's really odd is that it made sense, as in: You're harshing my buzz.

No? Okay.