Thing of the Day: Uterus. Rating: NOT AWESOME


Disclaimer for male readers: this post may make you feel weird inside, almost like being molested.  I apologize in advance for alienating you.  Please don't go away.  


Uterus, f**k you.  Where do you get off?  (And why is it so hard to insult you without making some sort of sexual innuendo?) 

Every month, you waste my hard-earned bodily resources to build a fitting environment for the godda**ed baby you are so sure we are going to be having.  


Every month, you end up having to clean house and start over because, guess what?  WE ARE NOT HAVING A F**KING BABY!!!  POSSIBLY NOT EVER IF YOU KEEP UP YOUR STUPID SHENNANEGANS!!!  

You seem to have figured out that I will not allow you to make a baby and are therefore continuing your obnoxious behavior just to spite me.  


Let me be very clear, uterus:  If you keep on making my life a living hell every month when you don’t get your way, I will forgo motherhood just to piss you off.  I will see to it that you do not come into contact with so much as a single drop of semen for the rest of your natural life.  Do you understand? 


And being overly dramatic will not solve anything. 


Am I supposed to feel sorry for you when you are lying around bleeding like that?  That’s my f**king blood you are wasting!  Have you ever stopped to consider how your childish tantrums affect my life?


You see, uterus, you are attached to my other organs and when you thrash around in anger, they become quite upset.  Your little hissy fits prevent me from doing anything that cannot be accomplished while in the fetal position. 


Also, you have somehow convinced my cells that they need to stock up on water for the apocalypse.  This is not funny.   I do not enjoy having to cart around the extra 7 pounds of water that my freaked out cells are hoarding away because of your fear-mongering.  It makes me feel gross and unattractive.


I know that you want a baby.  I know that it is upsetting for you to go month after month un-impregnated.  But you need to learn how to deal with your feelings in a more constructive manner. 



You see, when you carry on like this, it makes me think that there is something wrong with you – that maybe you wouldn’t be able to construct a fetus properly.  


You need to earn my trust before I can trust you with the responsibilities of building a baby.  



A major step in the right direction would be for you to grasp the concept of punctuality.


You are supposed to work on a 28-day schedule.


 I don't want to spend every month of the rest of my fertile life vacillating between desperately searching for emergency tampons and wondering whether you have indeed achieved your goal of harboring a baby because you are 14 days late for your shift.  


Secondly, no more temper tantrums.  You are supposed to be a nurturing and gentle organ so stop acting like some strung out schizophrenic with a God-complex.


Thirdly, be nice to the other organs.  They are more important than you.  In fact, I could live without you completely if I so desired, so stop acting so godd*mn important.  You are a floppy pouch of extremely stretchy skin - big f**king deal.  Get over yourself.


  
Sincerely,


Allie 

32 comments:

Holly said...

Believe me, a hot water bottle will shut your uterous up, it sure did mine.

You never cease to amuse me :P

Holly x

PS. I get the most random and strange verification words on your blog...i've gotten "Raipo" before and just now "dedblat"...Just thought I might mention this.

SiteInsights said...

Ummm... Errr... Yeah! You tell him... Or her... Or I mean that is... If you feel that you should. I mean that is to say if your uterus deserves to be... Well maybe deserves isn't the right word.

Ummmmm... *backing away slowly*

I'm just gonna go now... Kay... Ummmm bye.

Nik said...

your blog is freaking my melon--in a good way. very, very funny!! yo momma was right girrrrrl!!!!

:) Nik

MoonNStarMommy said...

I'm going on birth control pills for the first time in my always seem to be reproducing LIFE - just to shut mine up! It's either that or cut it out.... yeah... surgery doesn't strike me as a party though.

I have to tell you that my friend Sissy loves you, she wants to leave you notes but can't seem to. She even directed her readers to come check you out which is how I found you!

Here is a link the blog:
http://www.mykidsmightbemartians.com/2009/08/check-this-out.html

robin said...

Um, yeah. Maybe your uterus is jealous of those freakin' rock hard abs you got going on there. Holy Jeebus, are you in good shape!!!!
That said, great post! Also visiting from Sissy's place (My Kids might be Martians.) Off to check out the rest of your blog!

Deb said...

Also visiting from Martians, and laughing my ass off. Looking forward to reading more.

Bill and Lorie Shewbridge said...

I remember how awful it used to feel every month!! I had to have a hysterectomy at 29 because I was so bad, I was lucky enough to have two beautiful children before that however...
I'm visiting from Sissy's Martian blog... and you know what, she and your mom are right... you are totally hysterical!! Look forward to reading more!!

Unknown Mami said...

You are hilarious!

Your uterus has a total attitude.

Krissi said...

Freakin a$$ hysterical! Sissy from My Kids Might be Martians sent me by to check out your blog and its official I'll be stalking you from here on out!

Ordie O. said...

Okay, I fell in love with you as soon as I saw you flipping your uterus the bird. I'm visiting from Sissy at Martians, too. I'll be back. This is funny shit.

Sissy said...

in addition to telling you that I am your new stalker, I also wanted to tell you that usually I wouldn't be friends with a girl with abs like that - it's a jealousy/bitchy thing, you'll get used to it - but in your case I'll make an exception :)

Allie said...

Robin and Sissy - Thank you for the abs compliments. As you can tell from this blog entry, I am on the rag and compliments like that help me fight through the haze of crushing insecurity I usually feel at this time of the month. Also, please refer to the pictures I just posted if you ever truly do get jealous. I promise you, they are not flattering.

Kritta22 said...

I'm visiting from Martians!
You are stinking awesome! Off to stalk you.

Shannon said...

Visiting from Martians also and that uterus post had me nearly on the floor laughing. SO funny!

[Mrs. B] said...

You are freakin hilarious!!!!!! I think your blog is now my favorite!

Gigi said...

You are hilarious! I've never even thought to actually blame my uterus. But you are right - it is the problem! I'm off to have a "chat" with mine right now!

Woman In The Midst: Raw said...

HYSTERICAL!!!! You sound just like my daughter!!!!!

down pillow said...

Super super funny! Thanks a heap for making me laugh so hard!

~Ronda~ said...

Hilarious!! Laughed my ass off!! Stalking from Sissy's(Martians) and will def be back! However, dont mind my blog, I'm a super slacker lately, but will some how find the time to catch up..or NOT!! lol

That Chick said...

oh good lord almighty.

I've just recently found your blog, and this post has me laughing harder than i've laughed in a long time.

and i have to agree. d***ed uterus.

Whenever I used to be in a bad mood, my best friend would come up to me and say, "dear, you're awful angry. is your uterus leaking?" cracked at least a smile everytime.

Sachi said...

hahaha i love this post! it induced some quality chuckles. qual-i-tay. i just found your blog on 20sb and will definitely be reading regularly. yay!

also, i discovered your b-sides and i'm not gonna lie, i was really proud of myself. it was like a treasure hunt.

and lastly, i was trying to think of a smooth way to incorporate this into my comment but alas i'm uncreative today so... boat. i'd like to see a t-rex and a turtle having a tea party. it's the first thing that popped in my head, i don't know why. 'cause now that i think about it, how would either of them drink it? hm.

Allie said...

Sachi - I'm glad you've enjoyed my blog! I have finished drawing your T-rex and turtle tea party. Would you like me to email it to you? I can also post it at the end of my blog for you to take. Just a heads up so you aren't surprised- the drawing is really, really awesome.

OhSweetSara said...

I just found a new way to be utterly unproductive at work (because I am totally OCD and now want to read every post you've written in a not-a-stalker-just-very-curious kind of way), your blog (trust me, this is not a bad thing, I'm totally not even needed at work).

I love this letter to your uterus. It's like you are speaking for all women. The uterus just doesn't understand that it is not the center of the universe.

Maybe they don't really want us to have babies. Maybe they are just lazy and want to piss us off so much that we go a head and get them ripped out, like some sort of uterus conspiracy.

bea said...

i think your uterus is a bad influence on my uterus - or the other way around.

either way, they're totally in gang together.

Rev. Damiana said...

Mine got so damn uppity, I had to hospital and get it removed. Then it got sent to be sliced up in Research! That'll learn it! Screw you, bitch uterus! BWAHAHAHA!!

Alice said...

You're letter to your uterus is far longer and more articulate than mine usually come out. I can usually only get as far as
'Dear Uterus, Fuck you Uterus. Fuck you. Sincerely, Alice.' (with the odd postscript of 'That goes for you too Endometriosis') before I succumb to daydreams of scratching it out
Strangely graphic? I'm okay with it. And in the daydreams it is like doing a lotto scratchie thing or something, not like... actually... scratching out an organ.

Stavy said...

Awesome blog. I came across it about a week ago and am slowly getting up to date. This is my favorite post so far!

melissa_413 said...

Right on, sister! You put that bitchy uterus in her place!

I'm trying to catch up on some of the fabulous posts I've missed, so you'll likely be seeing more comments from me. Although, that could get annoying.. maybe I should shut up.

my name is lauren. said...

freaking hillarious!

my uterus was totally fine until i started taking birth control, which threw it into a tizzy. now i'm experiencing a pissed-off uterus every month too. feel your pain.

never knew a uterus could be so hillarious.

lala said...

You know it's not just the uterus. I used to have none of these problems and think people like you were just pussy's who couldn't deal with the pain.
Then I got endometrious and cysts. Now that's pain! Not only is your uterus throwing a fit, but it's decided to chuck out random cells to other completley wrong parts of your body. Then they bleed too once a month! Absolute tourture.
And if you go and have surgry to remove them the uterus says nah fuck you i'm not through with you and chucks out some more cells!
We can't win

Stephanie Fantastic said...

Oh crap, I hate uteri so much. Once, I drew a comic about my friend's uterus bursting out of her body and going on a homocidal and lust-driven rampage, cutting people open and making futile love to their uteruses until my friend, who had duct taped her exploded abdomen back together, finally kills her own uterus. We wrote this when we were 12 and it was a hit then. I can only imagine it's gotten better with age.

big-edna said...

The only thing funnier than this post is people using the term "hysterical" to describe it (since hyst- is the greek prefix for uterus)...

But it's not *just* the uterus....it's the ovaries that are the real mastermind. And they have the uterus surrounded...