Wild Animal (The Simple Dog Goes for a Joy Ride)

My simple-minded dog recently went on an unplanned adventure. Because the simple dog is so very simple, her adventure was alarming and horrible for everyone involved.  

Even in her normal, familiar environment, the simple dog exists in a state of almost constant confusion. 


She also appears to have very little control over what she is doing or why she is doing it.  For example, the other day, she was standing in the middle of the room just staring vacantly. Then she started turning in circles like she was preparing to lie down.   


But instead of completing a few rotations and then lying down like a normal dog, she got stuck in the repetitive motion and couldn't stop turning slowly in place. 


She is definitely not the type of animal that would thrive in the wild.

Unfortunately, she managed to escape one day while we were out walking, and she very nearly became a wild animal.  

In the park where we were walking, there is a large horse statue.  We had passed the statue many times without incident, but for some reason, on that day, the simple dog became highly alarmed by it.  


No one expects their dog to instantaneously develop an extremely specific fear of horse statues, and I was unprepared for her reaction, which was to sprint powerfully in the opposite direction. Unfortunately, what the simple dog lacks in cognitive capacity, she makes up in ground speed, and her sudden fleeing yanked the leash from my hand.  

I chased her all the way across the park and into an adjacent neighborhood. She ran into a partially fenced yard and, when her forward trajectory was interrupted by the fence, she began to gallop in giant, crazy circles just out of my reach.   

I'm fairly certain she had already forgotten what she was running from and had no idea what was going on, but there she was - propelling herself in endless loops around someone else's yard.  


After several minutes of tearing around in circles, she felt compelled to take off running in a straight line.   She didn't know where she was going, but she was going to go there really fast.  

I have spent a truly impressive amount of time teaching the simple dog how to respond to her name. I distinctly remember the self-congratulatory feelings I had when I thought I'd succeeded. I've done it, I thought.  I've overcome all of the obstacles and taught this animal her name, and now she will return to me like a falcon whenever I beckon her.  

But as I watched my dog disappear into the distance, I realized just how futile my efforts had been.  

I spent the rest of the day frantically trying to find her.  I drove around calling for her on the off-chance that she would actually respond.  I stopped random people on the street to ask them if they'd seen her.  It started to get dark and I imagined my poor dog, lost and scared - completely unable to make sense of what was happening to her.   


Finally, I got a call from a woman who had managed to catch the simple dog.  The woman said that she found the simple dog standing in the middle of the road, wagging her tail and barking at cars. She gave me her address and I drove over to collect my wayward animal.    

When I got there, the simple dog was curled up in a little ball on a towel on the woman's floor. I walked over to her and she looked confused.  


She had forgotten who I was.  She thought she lived on the towel.  


She was wet and dirty and she stunk like she had rolled on a dead animal.  There were burrs in her tail. She had puked up a pile of half-digested grass onto the woman's nice wood floor and was attempting to re-ingest it.   

Based on the evidence, her adventure went something like this: 


I helped the woman clean up the mess that my disgraceful animal had created in her home, then I thanked her and called my dog to go.  


The simple dog did not respond, so I picked her up and carried her out. 

 

I was glad to have her back, even though she didn't know who I was.  I couldn't blame her for forgetting.  A dog who becomes terrified by the mere existence of a stone rendering of a horse is not a dog who is well-prepared to absorb hundreds of unfamiliar sights and sounds, and I reasoned that she was most likely still in shock. I can only imagine how overwhelming the whole ordeal must have been from her perspective:


Perhaps unsurprisingly, the simple dog had trouble readjusting to being at home in the aftermath of her big adventure.  


Because of her cognitive handicap, the simple dog is at a unique disadvantage when it comes to coping with minor obstacles that most dogs would take in stride. For most dogs, getting a taste of freedom wouldn't be something that would cause a major shift in their perception of reality. But it absolutely ruined the simple dog. 

She had only been outside by herself for a few hours, but the staggering amount of new experiences had crowded out all her memories from before the adventure. 


As far as the simple dog was concerned, she had been snatched away from her life as a wild, towel-dwelling animal and transplanted to a strange wonderland filled with terrifyingly unfamiliar sensory bombardments.  


We have experienced these episodes a few times before.  From what I understand, they are a pretty normal consequence of disabled-dog-husbandry, and are usually pretty fleeting. But this one was different.  This time, the precipitating incident had been so extremely, entirely mind-bending that the simple dog had actually forgotten how to be a domesticated animal.

We had to teach her how to use the stairs all over again. 


Despite having been potty-trained for the overwhelming majority of her life, she started blatantly soiling the carpet right in front of us, as if she had no idea she was doing anything wrong.


She violently destroyed every toy she had - even her inexplicably-patriotic-themed squeaky owl toy, which is her favorite.  


And after she destroyed her owl, she grieved.  And we had to sew it up for her to avoid pushing her any further into psychosis.  


She forgot her name and how to sit and all of the various other things we'd spent so many hours carefully guiding her to understand.  


We did eventually manage to re-domesticate the simple dog. She re-learned stairs and how to not pee in the house and how to respond properly when her name is called.  She may not remember exactly who we are, but she seems to accept that she lives with us now.  She even plays nicely with her toys.  

But every now and then, she will stare wistfully out the window.        


And through the window, she will see the outdoors. 


And sometimes, when the shapes of the trees and grass and birds hit her brain in just the right way, she will feel the call of the wild deep within her soul. 

And it will trigger a relapse.  

1,257 comments:

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rental elf said...

Very nice, thanks.

Otternator said...

Awesome post yet again!

I have a cat that has the same kind of mental deficiency as your simple dog. We refer to him as the Meg of the family. He once set himself on fire and didn't notice. Aren't pets fun?

Srushti said...

I have never craved for anything the way I wanted a post from you. Sorry if that sounds creepy. I promise I'm not a stalker.

P.S.: Even if I were, it's okay cause I live all the way in India!

By the way, this made me laugh so much! I love your illustrations :D

JiffyJ said...

First time I've seen your blog... Just spent this entire time crying in laughter! You are so very talented. I'll be spending my day going through the archives lol =)

Anonymous said...

so excited you posted again. it's like finding candy in my pocket when i thought i had no candy.

Jason said...

Thank you for this! Always makes my day.

Bombkirby said...

Did you ever email that lady who rescued your dog this story? ^_^ She DID have a starring role!

Alexandra Aimee said...

Love your posts!! Please post more!! Especially love your tale of the dogs :)

Anonymous said...

My roommate and I love these! Keep them coming! :D

P.S YAY simple dog!!

Helper Dog (Katie) said...

Yes, this is so far down the list you'll probably never see it, but:
1) New post! Happy!
2) New simple dog story! Hooray!
3) My boyfriend has gone by "simple dog" ever since I showed him the post about moving to Oregon with simple dog. Now, when he's stressed, he looks up at me from his desk chair and goes, "Eeeeee!"

Thank you for being awesome!

Heather said...

The Simple-minded Dog is fast becoming the star of your blog.

Unknown said...

Wow. That was pretty epic. I have only had hamsters that have escaped from their cages, and I will find them wandering around in the storage shed with a wild look in their eyes. In only takes a few hours of freedom and all the hard work put into domestication goes out the window.

Becca said...

Oh my freakin gosh Ally, you are the most hilarious person ever... if you ARE a person...I KNOW YOUR SECRET, ANDROID.

Anonymous said...

What does the little thing above the comment area that says "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you" Mean?

Michelle said...

yay new post! sorry to hear about your dog :(

Sinking Up said...

I'm glad you finally posted again, you are officially my favorite blogger. :)

The Postess said...

You've already heard this literally a thousand times in the last four days but I feel compelled to post a comment anyway. I love your stuff, keep it coming! Wish you the best of luck!

gildedlink said...

Your dog clearly plays PS3, given the random mental shapes in its head XD

Beverly said...

First off, totally glad to see that you've returned! I was super excited to see a new post. And on the new blog, it was super special awesome!

Coincidentally, I'm also watching "Is It Real?" with the episode of psychic animals. Maybe Dog is actually incredibly psychic genius who realized its full potential after being released into the wild... Or maybe it's just best if she stays on a short leash, lol.

Anonymous said...

As usual, the best and funniest! The poor dog.

I love the, parplegar circopomber!!

--Jane age 10

Unknown said...

Parplegar Circopomber!

Frimmy said...

I love your drawings. They're deceptively simple at first glance but completely capture the spirit you're describing in your story. (picture of dead squirrel = friend = roflmao)

The stories + pictures are without question some of the funniest I've read, and I read a lot.

Anonymous said...

I had a cat this reminds me of .She would be outside,meow for me to open the window then forget why and peer at me with her head poked through the open window and wander off.I loved her dearly.

Anonymous said...

What if this dog is actually genius and realizes if she acts retarded then you won't ask her to do much it's a little doggy conspiracy

anyways, keep up the funny

Andrew said...

So I went to follow your blog, and it won't let me because you have the maximum amount of followers. Congrats! (See how I totally hid my petty complaints beneath a veil of positive sentiments? I'm a master of subtlety, I know)

Susan M said...

I'm late to the party, as I must admit I kind of gave up on finding new posts. Yay that you wrote one!

But for the first time, your post mostly made me sad. It had some funny parts, but I care so much about animals, and it's so sad how a lot of "humans" treat them. Yours was a rescue from a puppy mill or something, right? So her intelligence must have been stunted by lack of stimulation in her puppyhood.

It's great that you're taking such good care of her. Please ignore the Cesar Millan advocates in your comments - that bozo does more harm than good.

I can relate to the toy repair thing. I have sewn up my share of stuffed toys, not because my dog was pining for them, but because I couldn't afford to keep buying new ones! She's much better now about not destroying them.

Other than that, when I read your posts about the Simple Dog, aside from loving how you draw her, they make me appreciate my own intelligent, sweet dog even more. She is also a rescue.

Hopefully we will see another entry after a shorter hiatus. Thanks for your brilliant work!

Anonymous said...

I was waiting for this forever and actually read this I think the night it came out. Thanks for making my night Allie! I hope the simple dog at least actually feels the call of the wild when it takes her...not just the call of sprinklers.

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD

i cannot believe how similar simple dog is to my dog. like, they're exactly the same. even in body shape and stuff. its freaky O.o

Anonymous said...

Consider this fact/suggestion: America's Plains Indians (and many other cultures before and since) considered roasted dog a delicacy.

Unknown said...

please put a splash of pee on the last panel for epic win status. you will win 1 free internet!

Life said...

Oh man, you're posts make my day go from unbearable to bearable. I love your drawings and the way you write.

Wendy said...

I happen to have Simple Dog's identical twin laying here under my desk! I love her! She drives me nuts! and yes... she actually does that going in circles routine. I tremble to think what would happen if she were out in the wild. I think she would sit down and cry till I found her.

you are the BEST and Simple Dog rocks!

Phyrie said...

I did it! Took two days, but I've read every post, from beginning to end. My eyes are blurry, and my stomach hurts, but I did it. The one that finally did me in was "moving with dogs". My dog is rather simple, as well, and I TOTALLY understand that post. I laughed until I cried. My husband became very concerned and thought I was dying. It's true, you CAN die laughing. Thank you, Allie. Thank you very much.
Phyrie

James said...

How come the dog is so silly! I can just remember one of my dogs being scared all the time not THIS scared.

http://www.dailyflower.org/

iamdissapoint said...

how long is this comic....and why are there so many comics about your dog..TL;DR. ENOUGH

Devon Mum said...

OMG you live! I have missed your posts. Unfortunately I cried with laughter at this post and my children are confused.

Louis Droit said...

Amazing. I don't believe I have in my vocabulary words that can describe the amount of enjoyment I get from reading the things I find on this website.

Katie said...

Poor simple dog, makes my simple dog look like a genius. Awww, hugs for the simple dog.

Anonymous said...

there sure are a lot of MOMS reading this blog

Shari said...

I love your artwork, but the story makes me very sad. I don't believe that any dog is "simple", but I do believe that there are a lot of people who 'simply' cannot understand what their dog needs. Simple dog is trying to tell her human something, but the human is not listening.

Loufa said...

Made me rethink the concept of being a dog parent. Give me my parrotlets any day. They may attack my feet but they know how to kiss my face and call my name!

Tiramisu Lou

furrybees said...

I nearly wee-ed my pants. Thanks for another update on the simple dog's life.

Renée said...

I'm sure you don't read all of the comments, since there are over 1000 of them, but I would just like to say that if Simple Dog continues the whole going in circles like she's about to sit down thing, to watch out.

I, too, had a simple dog. Granted, he was very old when this happened, but he would bark for 20 minutes at nothing (wind maybe?) out windows, he would stand in the middle of a room, completely motionless for similarly long periods of time, and he would go around in cirles like he was going to sit down for quite a while.

One day, he walked through some low-hanging wires under our computer desk and started going in circles. We found him later that day and he is unfortunately no longer with us. Watch out for that behaviour, please... Simple Dogs don't deserve that end D:

miri said...

So I was laying in bed last night, talking to my sister about her upcoming baby, and I look up and see this: http://i982.photobucket.com/albums/ae304/gunners_view/handah2.png

It's like seeing Jesus in yr waffles, or something. But funnier!

Becky said...

New post! Love!

Lauren said...

LOL!!! You're my favorite.

Anonymous said...

Oh lord, this happens once a week in my apartment when the garbage truck roars by. Is simple dog also a hound?

marc said...

Absolutely love it.

Anonymous said...

I actually laughed until I cried. Now I feel a delightful tingling in my tummy. Thank you, kind miss.

Unknown said...

Genius.

carol said...

I laughed until my stomach muscles hurt. oh god thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHA This is HILARIOUS!!! Poor Simple Dog! My dog is abnormally intelligent, so I'm even more amused by this. haha

-E- said...

i shudder to think of how much time this took to make.

Rune said...

Utterly brilliant. I feel so sorry for you and your poor dog.

It does make me feel better about my mentaly challanged derpy cat though!

This blog ALWAYS makes my day!

Thanks

Anonymous said...

I love all your posts, but your dog posts honestly make life worth living. I read the moving adventure post whenever I'm having a bad day, and it looks like this one is going to go on the list as well. Thanks so much for sharing your stories and your fabulous, fabulous illustrations!

Unknown said...

barfs rainbows over my shitty day... OMG that's as awesome as the entry.
Al, et al...i bow to your metophoric awesomeness.
and yes, allie is almost (and sometimes better) than klonopine.

Bree W said...

I certainly hope that "creepy and capable of finding you" bit it true. I haven't had a decent stalker in a while.

My dogs, I have three and none of them will ever be purebreds...EVER, are mostly insane. I can describe their personalities in brief.

Buddy: The eldest oh so wis- oh fuck it.

Jeter: Wheres the ball?! BALLBALLBALLBALLFOOOOOOOOD.

Daisy: Where is SHEEEEEEEE?!?!?! (she = my mother)

Jeter is the closest I can get to your simple dog because he does have his moments, however brief,of intelligence. Daisy, when she isn't looking or following my mother taunts Jeter. I am very proud of her for that. And Buddy...well he just doesn't give a flying fuck in space.

I thought that last bit was genius.

I think I'm rambling now....yes, I'm rambling. Oh well. I hope at least it made sense. PENIS. Wait now it didn't. Doesn't. Dammit.

Preston said...

This made my day. Like, literally. I had a horrible day D:

Anonymous said...

Wow, that's pretty much my dog. Very simple minded.

Chelsea said...

AM WILD ANIMAL :D This post is <3

Your dog reminds me of one I had and loved despite him often getting lost during the twenty foot journey from the house to the garage. He was, in retrospect, smarter than Simple Dog.

Unknown said...

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE BAAAAAACKKKK!!!

I love these posts!!!! Please, oh, PLEAAAAAASE post many many more. you are loved all over the internet and it is just my luck that you stop posting things right around the time that I discover you and realize how amazing you are!!!

and I LOVE the simple dog. I think you could write a book about that dog and you would make ALL THE MONEY.

:3

Anonymous said...

Poor simple dog.. :3

Chris said...

After I had to take care of my aunt for a week and leave Noodle (my own simple dog) behind with my parents, I noticed that Noodle wouldn't listen to me or come when I would call her name. :C I FELT SO SAD AND ASHAMED THAT I HAD LEFT HER. lol I have never left her for the long...However, it was oddly comforting to know that she couldn't sleep in my room without me and leave the comfort of the new dog-bed I bought her just before I left. It just made me think, "SHE MISSED ME! :'D"

But anyway, your posts about your dogs has made me think about making my own thing about Noodle and the odd things she does...and how it seems like she's training us(parents and I) instead of us training her. lol

Chris said...

ALSO THIS MADE ME PRETTY SAD, althogh I laughed pretty hard at first about going in circles forever and how Simple Dog reacted to the Horse.

:C I would hate to think that my baby has forgotten about me.

Anonymous said...

So sorry Simple Dog is so very simple.... I feel for ya there.... but she does inspire some fantastic blog entries! :) Hooray for that! So for that... please give her a big scratch from me... :) and a tummy rub... and make yourself a HUGE drink, and enjoy your triumph! :)

Anonymous said...

absolutely amazing. so glad your posts started to get longer and longer each time. i need something to get me through the day at work :)!

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Someone was once experimenting on dogs (this was a while ago) and something happened, there was an accident (I can't remember but it led to the dogs nearly drowning or something) and the dogs got incredibly scared. The guy then discovered that they no longer knew what they used to and had to retrain them. To put his theory to the test, he scared them again with another near death experience and discovered that intense fear can cause dogs to lose their memory.

So this is a heard of and documented part of dog psychology. That must've been one hell of a scary horse...

Anonymous said...

Teehee Am not dog...am wild animal! Love it

Unknown said...

I love simple dog the most! She's my hero!

:D

Unknown said...

Awkward Chinese names http://www.japemonster.com/awkward-chinese-names-75-pics

OnePinkWeed said...

I love you. I wish you were my sister

Eri said...

Oh girl. You need a cat :P

kloseknit said...

Those pictures must have taken you weeeeks to draw. That has to be it. LOVE and am addicted to your posts! I die a little each week I go without your uber-hilarity!

ToysRGood said...

I was (ostensibly) in a meeting when I read this. I had the phone on mute, but I work in an office so I was trying REALLY hard not to laugh out loud. My co-worker Skyped me to say "Are you OK? You sound sort of insane." And now, I am not working at all, but reading ALL your past blogs. I am so glad you get to earn a living this way - when I am homeless because I get fired, I will have something to read...

Herding Cats said...

I have simple dog's mentally challanged brother!

Oscar Devonian said...

Poor thing. I was kind of freaking out by the end of the overwhelming experience montage too.

Unknown said...

I too had a simple dog. He weighed about 100 lbs. and was afraid of squirrels but thought his friend was the wild fox that lived in the woods behind our house. The fox would show up at 3 am making a weird screeching noise and I would send my "simple dog" out to chase him away.."get 'em" The would chase that fox around and around that house before finally collapsing from exhaustion in the front yard..he was a bit of a couch potato :) The fox would patiently sit a few yards away waiting for "simple dog" to get his second wind..yawning and grooming himself as he waited. Then the process would begin again. I laugh to think of them now! The fox continued to visit on nights now and again when he was looking bored and looking for a little fun. One morning I even found that fox sleeping in the doghouse on our back deck--such chutspah! Anyway give your simple dog a scratch behind the ears for me ...and thanks for the smiles :) Suki

W.O.V. said...

This has to be the funniest thing I have seen in quite a long time!

Andrew said...

Allie, your drawings are getting progressively better every time I read a story.
Also, you're the best. Ever. Almost as cool as Morgan Freeman.

David said...

Loved it! Really funny and well constructed and written and drawn. Made my day for sure.

JB said...

How have I only just discovered you? Brilliant!

Melodie Anne said...

It's so much better if you have dogs!! Holy crap- this is awesome.

The Libst3r said...

I love the adventures of Simple Dog. As always, it was a pleasure.

If you were a dude, I would marry you.

Linda said...

Hilarious!

But seriously - it sounds like Simple Dog may be having seizures. They often respond really well to an inexpensive medicine given twice a day. Might be worth checking out. Our collie mix is still kind of dumb, but not as totally off the wall as he was when he was seizing.

Anna K said...

What's her name?

Kii said...

I've read all your blog posts, and I've been waiting for a new one forever. xD

I love your posts.

By the way, this is off topic but may I ask how you get around the urge to yell at people when they use "you're" unnecessarily?

Can't wait for your next post~!

Anonymous said...

My simple dog was just trying to chew her toy through my blanket.

Kitteh said...

I just got in trouble because I laughed while I was supposed to be doing my homework. :/

Anyway, I showed this post to my friend, who said, "This is so messed up. It's not funny at all."

We are no longer friends.

Brad said...

Wow, Allie! The artwork has taken a huge leap forward with this one - don't you all think, guys?

Good job as usual :D.

NELLIE said...

OK I just read the Moving story and this is the second story about Simple Dog that I have read. Do you have a book contract? Because you totally should. And I know these things, because I'm a book editor!

I'm going to read more posts now. Our simple dog still hasn't re-learned how to go upstairs KWEEE KWEEE KWEEE

Anonymous said...

I <3 simple dog!

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!! That's freakin' awesome. :)

Anonymous said...

We had a retired racing greyhound that sounds a lot like simple dog... sweet, but not a lot going on upstairs.

Any sighthound in yours?

Our whole house loves your blog, Allie!

Anonymous said...

You are fabulous!

Ocean Mist Orabelle said...

AHH! You are so funny! You inspired me to make my own blog! Mostly to use it as my own diary though. I don't expect a lot of people to join except for a few friends leaving me for college. xD

Renee said...

I think I just laughed away my food poisoning. Lol thank you.

Debbie said...

I love reading these! They're amazing!

Steph C said...

I just realized, you should totally put spaghatta nadle on your top banner thing. :)

Abudhabilist said...

I miss dogs.

We have cats now, as it's too hard to have them here (50 deg C summers are a bummer).

BUT.. in the long long ago, I had a dog, that while maybe not as ermm, nuts.. as this one.

For YEARS we had a yard with a low fence that he could have stepped over, had he wanted to, but he didn't work it out...

...until one of my idiot friends left via jumping over the fence.

'Ignatious' (the dog) looked upon this action and immediately took to leaping over the fence whenever we weren't looking.

The guy that first jumped over the fence - yup, I hate him.

Anonymous said...

You get me every time. I cannot NOT laugh at your posts. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

A post after a long time!! But didnt find this one funny enough per your usual standards though. But I will await the next!!

Anonymous said...

A post after a long time!! But didnt find this one funny enough per your usual standards though. But I will await the next!!

Anonymous said...

A post after a long time!! But didnt find this one funny enough per your usual standards though. But I will await the next!!

BeckyJo said...

Your wolves were beyond amazing! I loved every drawing, and went back several times to look at them again and again. Your choice of words and timing is exceptional. I hope all is well with you, and look forward to any future blogs.

Caitlin said...

I had a cat that was pretty similar to simple dog. He was deaf and had intelligence well below that of a normal cat. I'm pretty sure he thought he was a dog as well. He used to get lost in our tiny kitchen and spend hours yowling at the top of his lungs and running in circles around the garbage can then get confused by his reflection in the oven. Every time he would get out, he'd walk around with his belly close to the ground and hide under the deck. When we'd eventually find him, he didn't know who we were and hiss at us with his tail puffed up. He'd scratch us as we carried him inside. Once there, he'd realize he had a garbage can to run around in circles. Our other cat used to catch mice, kill them, and give them to the deaf cat who would then proceed to parade around proudly with the mouse in his mouth as if he'd caught it. We used to have to stand on top of our couch in order to avoid him putting the dead mice in our laps.

MercuryCrest said...

"...as a wild, towel-dwelling animal."

That part had me in stitches. This was a beautiful post, Allie. I (we) really appreciate all the time and effort you put into these.

Thank you.

Wijdan Rohail said...

I'm trying to understand it and it will definitely take some time...

Sam said...

hysterical. as usual. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Meh

Jules said...

I honestly think your blog made my sister go into labor from belly laughing so hard. Which was the plan, she was so overdue that we were trying anything... so i suggested we read your blog.
I particularly love the simple dog stories, I laugh so hard that tears cloud my vision every time i re-read them. Thank you :-)

Anonymous said...

This is exactly like my dog, only a tad less psychotic. My dog is crazy. They also look very similar... coincidence?

Love it!

Glass Art said...

Oh god! Such a wonderful art. Mindblowing, getting younger...

PorkStar said...

your stories and images make me LMFAO and they definitely make my day!

gabrielreads said...

The minute I saw "Bohemian Rhapsody" was the song playing on the radio I thought about the book Good Omens and how any tape left in the car for more than a fortnight becomes a Best of Queen tape. It made me wonder if that woman actually liked Queen or if she was hoping that her Vivaldi tape had yet to morph into Queen and had stuck it into the tape player only to be disappointed.

My mind is so random sometimes.

La garce said...

Dear Allie,

Please, forgive my english, for I am french and therefore a little mentally challenge.

I discovered your blog a week ago, and I spent this week reading it at work.

Thank you for being that awesome. Thank you for making me feel like I am not the only crazy person in the world.

PS: thank you too for making me learn how to keep a strait face while interiorly laughing my ass off!

Love you so much!

blah said...

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1186534310448&comments&set=t.1013244285&type=1

This story reminds me of my dog. We've decided that her brain was maybe installed upside down.

Alexi said...

simple dog, is simple!
Hilarious Allie Brash, IS HILARIOUS!
Thank you simple dog, for once again providing ur master with inspiration. Allie Brash RRRUUUUULLLZZZZZZZZ!

J.L. Campbell said...

Wonderfully funny tale.

Random Thoughts said...

Yippee! You're not dead! I missed you and your awesome drawings. Don't leave me for so long ever again - PLEASE!

Anonymous said...

Poor Simple Dog. It's good you understand her and give her the patience and love she needs.
Cheers,
Martina

Unknown said...

I read this last night and laughed. This morning, my simple dog got out and ran like the wind. We found her an hour later at Walgreen's.

She found something incredible to roll in/eat. I had to take her somewhere to get cleaned up because my household products wouldn't cut it.

I only partially blame you.

Anonymous said...

While this post, (as all of your posts do) made me laugh - the amusement is tinged with a flicker of extreme pity and I am moved to ask...is the majority of this account artistic license in that you have greatly exaggerated this poor dog's dysfunctionality? I hope so, or honestly I cannot see why keeping it alive would be considered kindness.

Anonymous said...

Your dog is an Italian Greyhound, right? I have two. I can sooo relate!

PoorlyWired said...

<3 it

http://weirdlywiredwonder.blogspot.com/ is me

McKate said...

I love it all. I don't know why but "Go eat tiny plants
go do it
yes"
totally killed me. DOG!!! I'm glad you got her back in the end.

Kattis said...

You must absolutely love this dog! Putting so much time and efford into her. On the other hand - she(?) does give you a lot to write about! Love your stories - think my favourite one yet is the one about you moving with the dogs. "The ground's all weird! I'm a dog!" HAHAHA!

Tippy Topple said...

How in the world can there be another dog like ours in the world....but you describe him so well that clearly there must be 2. You could exchange ours for yours and you would never know it. The stories make me want to laugh and cry at the same time because I know they are so true in our world.

schmaimz said...

Yay!! super story for the super dog, thanks Allie!

destiny p. said...

hey allie! your awsome! im so glad your not dead! or worse.... NORMAL! Please read my blog at www.crazyhyperbloggerchick.blogspot.com and comment and follow! if you ever get the chance because your so busy from being so awsome! it would mean so much to me if you did.

Harrison said...

"Dog! Hey dog! Doooog...Hey!" haha I love that part

Spencer said...

So I have officially read all of your posts and think you're awesome. I love your blog and can't wait for the next post!

P.S. 1132 comments? It definitely looks like you're famous. Now you can sit around with no pants on! Yay!

Mari-Ann said...

Absolutely freaking fabulous but my favorite thing? Simple dog's eyes in the Rescue Lady's car's rear view mirror. KILLED ME!

WelshGuy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
WelshGuy said...

Please pop along and read my blog. It will make me happy!


Welshguy's Blog

Victoriaemeredith said...

Oh, my God. Poor simple dog. I want to cry now. I love the inexplicably patriotic-themed owl, btw.

Allena said...

I check your blog far more often than I should, knowing it takes you a while to create these masterpieces. But I just about choked with excitement when I saw there was a new post, let alone one about simple dog. I cry laugh every single time I read your blog.

Martin said...

Every time I read about Simple Dog, I can't help but thinking of its human equivalent, which would be institutionalized at taxpayer expense. I guess you're kind of a dog social worker.

Kate Mathews said...

What is simple dog's name, if you don't mind my asking? I'm always curious when I read stories about her. She and helper dog are my favorites. No offense meant toward you and boyfriend...

vetgirl2012 said...

Awesome post--and totally worth the wait! I am usually reading your blog in lecture...which is a risky around the professors since I typically almost start crying while trying to not laugh loudly! Your 2 dogs actually remind my roommate and I of our dogs (I have "Helper Dog" and she has "Simple Dog"). Can you please post photos of Simple Dog and Helper Dog?

Anonymous said...

http://www.thundershirt.com/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=noise

i saw this and instantly thought of simple dog. :)

Gill said...

i looooooooooooooove this blog. i first read "dogs don't understand basic concepts like moving" and read it multiple times before it occurred to me that there was MORE. i'm rather obsessed. the only problem is that i have a big project due in a few days. and this makes it FAR too easy to procrastinate.

Gill said...

also i love simple dog. like he was my dog. i love how he always thinks of shapes! :) i especially love the pictures depicting how he sees the world. and how you without fail refer to him as dog, at least in blog.

Me said...

This is hilarious! Coincidentally, last night I had my own simple dog at the dog park and a dog that looked EXACTLY like your rendering of your simple dog went ripping past us, leash blowing in the wind, headed at at top speed to parts unknown without any owner to be seen. Reading this, it actually made me think that maybe you had moved to Canada!

Lucy said...

Simple dog stories are my favorite. Allie, you rock!

Unknown said...

I have to tell you that I came across this blog a few months ago... I have a beagle who IS YOUR dog.

Actually, we have two - the older, well-trained one, and the younger, total spaz... much like yours.

It makes my boyfriend and I laugh so hard to see your depictions and read the stories you're posting... we reference them nearly daily. "I made food! I'm magical!" And "The ground is weird! I'm a dog!" are two of our favourites.

Keep it up, it's enormously satisfying!

Lock said...

I laughed way too hard and way too much at the "Flurs". Oh my gosh!

Joe Dundee said...

I'm so glad to see you have a new post! The adventures of Simple Dog had me in stitches. I feel bad for the dog, but it's hilarious to hear about it.

nachos=happiness said...

Hopefully he didn't drink from that Suave Ocean Breeze and tree sap sprinkler =L I don't think Roberta would appreciate another call.

Priya said...

Oh my goodness. You are incredible. My dog is also unusually simple. Thank you for being awesome :)

Anonymous said...

Lovely, wonderful, and amazing. I so enjoyed simple dog's adventure and break... which makes me think there might be something wrong with me...but thank you all the same <3

Anonymous said...

I love hearing about your dogs, you do such a good job describing dog behaviors and illustrating them, I'm sure this situation was less amusing to you than it is in the telling though so I'm really glad you were gifted with the patience and love to take care of such sweet but troubled dogs.

sabrinak said...

I have a simple cat. She is a lot like simple dog, but she is a cat. She jumped on my face yesterday.

Kate Mason said...

aha this dog is like my dog, he is here: http://kateinthecountryside.blogspot.com/2011/01/escape-to-countryside-festive-episode.html

love your cartoons v much

Kate Mason said...

also our dog dogface pees on wasps to make them die. i think the simple dog would probably understand: http://kateinthecountryside.blogspot.com/2011/04/bugs-life.html

Lindsay Grimster said...

I always loved your posts, but this one hit a little too close to home for me. It definitely had it's funny parts, but made me very sad as well.

My parents dog (a 2 yr old great pyrenees/lab mix) went missing 6 weeks ago and has yet to return. Pyr's are very resilient, though, and known for their ability to survive on their own, so we are still very hopeful. There has been quite a few sightings of him over the past month and a half, but no actual luck in finding him. It's been pretty heartbreaking for all of us.

We're well aware that when we get him back (when, not if) he will not be quite the same as before he left. So I sympathize with your story, and am very glad you got dog back. She may not remember you now, but rest assured she will gain more memories of you, and will love you anew

Cheers,
Lindsay

JessiePants said...

I think we may have your simple dog's long lost brother...fake fart noises send him into a frenzy searching out where it came from. The search includes barking, running around the house like a mad man and digging at the wood floor. Another past time he enjoys is lint catching. It's nice to know that we are not alone.
Love your stories!

Madi + Jared said...

TOTAL <3 Hahaha I have a simple dog too :P

You should give us a story about you and boyfriend? man? husband? WHAT IS HE?! haha

JoeyL05 said...

I heart hyperbole and a half. One of my classmates had the link to your most recent post on his FB page and I clicked on it while taking a break from studying.... big mistake. I read it and then started working back for the next three hours, cackling hysterically the whole time.

I have begun to incorporate phrases into my life "hi smell friend" "go circle go go go" "magic water" ...

you are fantastic

JoeyL05 said...

to Otternator--my cat once set fire to the house starting with my bed. Guess where the firemen found him.... in the bedsprings.

His name is already Kitten but maybe I shall nickname him simple cat...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this.

Unknown said...

Your blogs are the best ab workout that I've found.

Emily said...

my dog (who i insist was smart and.. mysterious, yet bore a striking resemblance to your dog) liked getting skunked. it was about her favorite thing in the whole world. i would know she had been skunked even before the smell hit me because she would have an especially wide and gaping smile, comparable to the ones male labs get when humping inanimate objects. she did this once at 3am while i was living with my boyfriend in his car (we were all class back then), and we had to take her to a 24h supermarket, buy 6 tubes of toothpaste (it works better than tomato juice, which i am convinced is just a ruse to make a bad situation worse), lather her up in the parking lot and then sneak into somebody's backyard and borrow their hose to clean her up. the whole time she just had this look on her face like: "it was sooo worth it."

Unknown said...

Thank you so much!! Your updates always make my day!

Hannah said...

i love the drawing of the wolf!!!! <3

bjahlstrom said...

It was so hard not to laugh out loud in my quiet work office...tears streaming down my face...

Richard Wells said...

this story is so sad. poor, confused dog.

Anonymous said...

Allie deleted my post when I said I didn't like this particular comic because it was too long and she should stop with the easy gags about her dog!

Anonymous said...

i swear to god 99% of these people are soccer moms

Rachael said...

I feel I have to comment as my dog was let out the front gate and spent the day wandering the streets two days ago. Unlike your dog she remembered me and blamed me from being shut out of her comfy home the whole day. I got no cuddles and she spent the evening sulking at the other end of the couch. A day later she has transformed into the most clingy dog ever and sits on me/beside me/ on my feet the moment i sit down. Amazing how a few hours of the unknown can have such a major effect on a dog pysche.

A sense of humor with a side of toast said...

I just wanted to say reading your blog inspired me to start writing one of my own. I have previously intended to do so but I always back burner it because I know I'll commit to it for a while but then I'll get bored with it (or people will get bored with me?) So, today I wrote a post about poop and I posted that as my facebook status...and now I feel super accomplished = I win = you win! Thanks!

Unknown said...

Amazing ability to get inside the tiny dog head. Not condemning or judging...but truly amazing....

thekeiko said...

I like how your dog is some sort of savant who see's things in numbers, shapes, and colors.

I made the mistake of reading/finding your blog while I was working today. Let me start by letting you know... cubicles aren't the best place for loud boisterous laughter. But I cried uncontrollably for about 3 hours at work, made a giant mound of tissue from sopping up my tears, and have been bragging about you as if you were my very own daughter [which would be terrifying considering I'm only 26].

Awesome, awesome, awesome blog.
it tickles me just the right way.

StS said...

A similar thing happened at my house but the dog was my brother and the outdoors was the mall. He was four but I think the trauma of it all left him forever incapable of being a civilized "house" human. He has been a wild man ever since.


http://shockinglythesame.blogspot.com/

Ruth said...

You gave nice ideas here. I done a research on the issue and learnt most peoples will agree with your blog. Certainly, these practices are unfair; but they say that most of their rules are only to apply to people who overdraw

Marlee said...

Loove the illustrations! You're awesome!

www.marleeindebt.blogspot.com

Sherri Spichiger said...

Alas, I too was the owner of a "simple dog". He loved to growl at the toilet and attack it if someone flushed it. We used to say he was attacking the "toilet monster" then laugh hysterically. Although, it really wasn't so funny if you happened to be sitting on the toilet at the time. But, I digress. My own "simple dog" has gone to that giant park in the sky now. I still miss him, even 20 years later. Sometimes, I like to flush the toilet and say a small prayer in his honor.

Jackie L. said...

I love this!!!
http://madewithlovebyjackieb.blogspot.com/

Jo said...

Fwee~! Joyrides are fun! Usually.

You inspired me to start a blog of my own. Thus I hold you fully responsible for its failure/success/mediocrity. Just so's you know. :P

http://gatorfaerie.blogspot.com/ If you ever wanna drop by.

Anonymous said...

LMAO! The whole drawings and story were amazing as always! I love when you depict in pictures the way your dog takes everything in (Favorite is with the ball, BABAGAA!, still laughing) This is so awesome! I love this blog since I stumbled into it a few months past, or was it one month?

fmcm said...

Not to put too fine a point on it, and I can't really say but is there a possibility that somehow this is a different special needs dog? I realize the drawings look the same, and the slo-mo owl shaking one is particularly nice, but I'm just sayin'

ekmp636 said...

I loved this - I think everyone needs a simple dog in their life (at least, this is what I tell myself as I watch my simple dog tilt her head upside down once again...and again.....and again......)

MJs-world said...

I recently came by your blog through a friend >< Your blog posts are hilarious and I've been sharing them with everyone I know. I tried to refrain myself from reading all your posts in one day so that I could read a new one every day, but I couldn't resist and I did just that a few days ago *sigh*.
I'll be looking forwards to your next one xD


MJ

Anonymous said...

I have a cat who is exactly like your dog in the brains department. He's sweet as anything, but he eats lint, cat fur, dust bunnies, and anything else he sees on the floor.

He also drools, and licks your knees if they are left pant-less.

He's a special boy, and we love him, but sometimes when you tell stories of your dog, I laugh so hard because I know. I know exactly what you mean. Special Cat does it too.

Christine The Unicorn said...

Okay, I have not read this post yet and because you already have 1185 comments, you will not even read this one (#1186) because it would take you like 9 years to get to it. But I'll still write it anyway. My friend Christine (she has the exact same first name as me!!! how cRAYzy) told me about your blog a while ago and I am one of the laziest people on the earth, so I did not really want to read your blog, no matter how awesome and funny it was. Because it probably wasn't going to be funny and then I'd just feel like I wasted my precious lazy time. But... I did start reading it and now I can't stop! (It's 3:15 AM right now) But I'm way behind! So the reason I haven't read this particular post yet is that I am saving it for later because I'm trying to read all of your posts in order now. Except it's weird because I THINK that I am reading them in order (am I so dumb that I can't figure out how to do that??), and then you'll reference something that I have no idea about and I get confused and sad. Anyway... the reason I am posting a comment to THIS post is that I was thinking you probably never go back to your old posts to see if any stupid-face has only JUST discovered your blog and is now commenting to posts you wrote a thousand years ago. But, I just read your post about how awesome boxes are (which it actually wasn't really about, but anyway), and I thought, "If I had read this at the time she posted it, I would have asked her if she had ever seen the 'Simon's Cat' animations?!?!?! Because there's one about how awesome a CAT thinks a box is, and it makes me die of laughter every time I watch it, and I've watched it lots of times. This comment has such horrible grammar - I am sorry. Also I'm being a bit of a rambler and now I can't remember what else I wanted to say and I am also worried that what I've already written makes no sense. Why is this comment box ridiculously tiny so that going back and reading what I've typed seems like a horrible and onerous task?

Well I just went back and read it, and it makes a small amount of sense, so that's SOMETHING at least. Anyway, what else I did want to say is that I am inspired to write my own blog now! I know that I have no chance of being as awesome as you and that I will have zero readers, but... What the heck. What is life for if not wasting it?? I do not know. Anyway... (I say anyway a lot, and it even annoys ME after a while... sorry.) Partly I was inspired to write my own blog because I have some funny stories that make me snicker to even think about them silently, and I also shaved my head when I was a teenager!! And you're awesome... and maybe I can be awesome too?? Oh man alive... I think I will be done with this awful comment now. I hope you read it, but at the same time, I hope you don't. :)

PS I love you and you're awesome.

PPSSSPP I am not a stalker and I have a boyfriend. For reals. OK bye!

PSPSPSP Oh!!!! The PREVIEW button is magic!

missmichellini said...

You should just go ahead and rename your blog Pee-yourself-laughing-and-a-half.

Haven said...

Oh magic water. How delicious you are.

Julie said...

I love the way you write the simple dog's dialog. "WHY HAPPENING?" made me lol and lol.

Anonymous said...

I think you live near me. I swear I saw a woman chasing the same type dog yesterday. Good stuff.

Anonymous said...

ALLIE

I NEED THE PANEL OF THE DOG IN THE AIRPLANE ON A SHIRT

I WOULD PAY FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS

Anonymous said...

ALLIE

I NEED THE PANEL OF THE DOG IN THE AIRPLANE ON A SHIRT

I WOULD PAY FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS

Anonymous said...

ALLIE

I NEED THE PANEL OF THE DOG IN THE AIRPLANE ON A SHIRT

I WOULD PAY FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS

Anonymous said...

ALLIE

I NEED THE PANEL OF THE DOG IN THE AIRPLANE ON A SHIRT

I WOULD PAY FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS

Anonymous said...

ALLIE

I NEED THE PANEL OF THE DOG IN THE AIRPLANE ON A SHIRT

I WOULD PAY FIFTY DOLLARS FOR THIS

Isabel said...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! YUR BAK

Anonymous said...

Must have image of Dog with ball flying past its head on a T-Shirt, priceless

Anonymous said...

I enjoy your comics miss.

Christine said...

OMG, thanks so much for the laugh! I really needed it! Love your stories and drawings!

joeh said...

Right on, still...dogs; you gotta love'em

http://adf.ly/1MJGK

Nadia Jean said...

Tree+B=Mailbox

Liz said...

Oh wow, I remember losing my dog and being completely heartbroken. That sounds like a completely crazy day. Kudos to that woman who called you.

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