Wolves

Benny came to the birthday party because his mom had volunteered him to help supervise the children. He must have felt out of place being the lone teenage boy amidst a flock of over-excited six-year-old girls, but we welcomed his presence. We saw him as a sort of prop that we could manipulate in our imaginary games - a living, breathing human that would submit to pretending to be whatever we wanted it to pretend to be. On that particular day, we wanted to play a game called "wolf pack" which we had invented after watching a documentary about the hunting tactics of wolves.

We swarmed Benny as he was preparing to pour himself a glass of apple juice.


As a 13-year-old boy, Benny probably did not relish the idea of wasting an entire day entertaining us. But he was a good-natured young man, and he had agreed to help keep us out of trouble, so he reluctantly asked us what we wanted to play.

Us:  "Wolf pack!" 

Benny: "How do you play 'wolf pack'?" 

Us: "We're the wolves and you're the deer. We close our eyes and count to twenty and you run away. Then we try to find you and catch you!"

Benny:  "Okay. Where do you want to play?" 

Us:  "In the forest!" 

Benny followed us outside and we led him deep into the vast expanse of backwoods wilderness that was to be our playing field.  We reached a small clearing and decided to start the game there.  We yelled at Benny, "Now run away!"  

And we began to count.  

Benny scurried off into the forest, calling out behind himself to help make the game easier for us.  He thought we would have trouble finding and catching him.  


What Benny did not know was that we were incredibly serious about the realistic aspects of "wolf pack."  In our wildly vivid imaginations, we were actually wolves and Benny was actually a deer. 


We found him almost immediately.   


Benny probably would have tried harder if he knew that losing the game involved so much biting.  But he did not expect that the game would be so true to life. I'm sure it was quite painful for him, but that was a necessary casualty for the game to feel convincing and fun.  

Benny fought bravely, but there were too many of us and he was handicapped by his reluctance to punch and kick a bunch of six-year-olds. We wrestled him to the ground and bit him repeatedly until we were satisfied that we had "killed" him.


At that point, Benny had two options: he could stand there and try to reason with us until we finished counting and mauled him again, or he could flee and try to find his way back to the safety of the house before we caught him. 

Benny chose fleeing.  

But it was starting to get dark and the woods were unfamiliar to Benny.  There were labyrinths of footprints, left behind from our previous forest adventures, providing a confusing web of false trails.  He desperately clawed his way through the underbrush in a random direction that he hoped was the right one, but he only had twenty seconds and things weren't looking good for him.  We finished counting and took off after him. 


Benny was faster than us, but we greatly outnumbered him and we were able to strategically "herd" him into a clearing where we surrounded him and went in for the kill.  


Benny had severely underestimated our hunting and maiming capabilities.  We were not like ordinary little girls who frittered away their time hosting tea parties and pretending to be princesses.  We had spent countless hours out in the forest, sharpening our hunting tactics on imaginary prey and we finally had an opportunity to put all of our practice to use on a real thing that would run away from us and struggle for survival.  Unfortunately for Benny, we had not yet developed the ability to empathize with the pain and suffering of other people, and his terrified fleeing was pretty much the most fun thing that had ever happened to us. 

Once again, we let him stand up after we were satisfied that we had bitten him enough times.  


It became clear to Benny that he was going to have to play the game over and over and over until he could find his way back to the house.  He had to make the most of the 20 seconds we gave him to flee and try to make as much progress as possible in between maulings.  

We were exhausted from all of the chasing, but we weren't ready to stop playing, so we began to rely much more heavily on stealth. We stalked Benny through the darkening woods, waiting for him to make himself vulnerable to attack.


The psychological torment of waiting to be attacked was almost worse than the attacks themselves.  We darted around in the shadows, snapping twigs and making strange growling noises.  We sounded like tiny chainsaws.  

We would have continued to torture Benny for hours, possibly even days, but our parents called us home for birthday cake.


We cared about cake more than we cared about Benny, so we abandoned him in the woods and ran back to the house. Benny heard us being called, but he couldn't see where we went from his hiding spot. He tried to follow our shrieking voices, but just ended up getting turned around.

At first, no one noticed that we had arrived back at the house without Benny, but the topic did eventually come up.

My mom: "Where's Benny?"

Us: "Outside." 

My mom: "Doesn't he want some cake?"

Us: "No." 

My mom: "He should at least come inside and get warm..." 

Us: "He's fine." 

We didn't actually know if Benny was okay, but we wanted cake and talking about Benny wasn't bringing us any closer to that goal. 

 Eventually, the adults went looking for him. They tromped into the woods with flashlights, yelling "BEEENNNNYYYYY! BENNNNYYYYYYYYY!" They were startled to hear loud crashing and branches snapping behind them, but it turned out to be Benny. He stumbled into the pool of light cast by the flashlight.


Benny's mom:  "Benny, what are you doing?" 

Benny: "Where are they?" 

My mom:  "The girls?  They came back an hour ago, are you still out here looking for them?" 

Benny: "No." 

Benny's Mom: ".... Well, you should really come up to the house, sweetie. It's cold out here."  

And so Benny got to come back to the house. When he walked through the door, we ran over to him and hugged his legs. "Bennybennybennybenny!" we shrieked. Bennybennybennybennybennybenny! We brought him a huge piece of cake on the most special plate we could find, and we watched him eat it to make sure he was enjoying it.


When he finally had to go home, we cried out after him, "Benny, are you coming back?  When are you coming back to play with us?"  Benny's mom remarked about how cute it was that we loved him so much, "isn't that just adorable, Benny? They really seem to like you!"  She assured us that Benny would come back to play with us soon.  

1,166 comments:

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Smeagol92055 said...

I have now discovered my new favorite blog.

RubyRoses said...

Yep, when I was a young girl one of the 'most funnest' things ever was tormenting older boys who were put in charge of watching us. Thank god they seem to take it in somewhat stride.
I remember my friend and myself attempting to climb human people like bears climbing trees, what I mean to say is, the claws came out, there may have been blood.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Super scary! Your story-tellling skillz keep on evolving. Your ability to create suspense is awesome. I want a t-shirt that shows the innocent children on one side, and your awesome wolves on the other!

Rob said...

Yay for you not being dead and making a new post!

When I first moved to where I am currently, I was one of two friendly teenage boys on the street, so this brings back memories of the younger kids in the neighborhood that always wanted to play. I still remember the claw marks, grass stains, and bruises.

Brilliant work, as always. :)

Cara said...

holy shit.
I USED TO PLAY THIS GAME TOO!!!
thank you, thank you, thank you for this!
such warm, sweet, psychotic childhood memories flooding back.

K said...

LOL. My sister did something similar to me (totally my fault... my Spanish teacher taught us a Columbian version of hide and seek where the person who was "it" was the wolf and the others were the sheep). She took being the wolf very seriously. But, being a small child myself, I had zero problems with beating the shit out of her for biting and clawing at me.

justadrienne said...

You are so awesome. I love the woods.

izzy said...

Very funny. It's amazing how sharp kids teeth can be

Coyote said...

Wow! That is the most awesome party game ever!

I have to show this to a friend who believes that there's no way little girls can come up with stuff like this!

Allison said...

muahahahahaha! Thanks for making this week a little more bearable.

Melissa L. said...

I love that this stuff actually (sort of) happened. JOY!

Kuvuplan said...

Did Benny really come back later?

Sarah said...

this is totally disturbing.

but beautifully illustrated!

Anonymous said...

Too bad they're not making xfiles anymore. Wouldn't this be a great xfile? Up in the BC woods? Gasp.

Amelie said...

Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud...you make me lol for real, not lol in a way that's supposed to fill silence.

amelie-fleurjaune.blogspot.com

Unknown said...

I think this could be a horror film with a little creative licensing.

Kimberly Rondeau said...

What a perfect post for my birthday! How did you know it was today? Thanks, Allie.

hanna said...

THIS IS THE BEST ONE YET

Achluomania said...

That's terrifying XD But hilarious. You all were some scary little girls. I think the worst I got when I was little was forcing my grandmother's neighbor to be "it" while me and my cousin would stalk him and randomly jump out and attack him.

He never knew he was it.

Hilarious post Allie!

Amy said...

Oh my god.

So I've been checking back here for days, figuring that at some point you'd update. And finally you did. Yay!

Anyway, moving on. This... was hilarious, though Kenny Loggins is still my all-time favorite. (Definitely worth putting off studying for finals...)

It would be really fun I think to be the chasers (and have a woods by your house... stupid cities.) Running away maybe not so much (though perhaps he should have climbed a tree and swung monkey-style from branch to branch? XD)

I love the pictures in this. And all the innocent-looking kids.

Anyway. Yeah. Epic win.

Now, back to Spanish with me...

Anonymous said...

sooo cute :)

Smiles are like... said...

Aw this is so funny I love it!!!! :D

www.smilesarelike.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

You were such an awesome kid. xD

Austin said...

haha this is hilarious! I love all the posts on Hyperbole and a Half. I started a blog kinda like this one at http://webofdistortion.blogspot.com/

hayden said...

That's a great post. You're a wonderful writer, and I laughed my ass.

Unknown said...

This was freakin' hilarious! I knew you would post today and I wouldn't be home when it came out! AWESOME she-pack, btw... ferocious and evil. I died when they went zombie at the mention of CAKE! Of course, I was over the edge before that due to the flash stalker snow scenes. "Why are you making that noise?" My husband thinks I am nuts. But since I completely face planted on the hospital front steps and rolled over like a frickin scared little potato bug screaming like I was being stabbed to death and all I could think about was your hilarious "better pain scale" I was sure hoping to find a new funny on your blog today. YAY MEEEE!!!

Megan Nicole Dong said...

You are freaking hilarious and I love your stories!

Unknown said...

What an epic story! I remember an 8 year old girl chasing me and kicking me in the shins for hours at a time with her favorite pair of red and white bowling shoes. To this day I'm a little uneasy around people in bowling shoes.

Stephen said...

I've been reading ever since The Party and this is the first time I've commented. This site is probably the funniest thing I visit on the Internet. I've read The Party, The God of Cake and How Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas to my sister's children (boy 7, girl 5) and they loved them. I look forward to reading this to them as well. The pictures of the imaginary wolf pack are gorgeous, and contrast wonderfully with the cute/vicious little girls.

If you ever publish a book (try the self-publishing service Lulu) I would definitely buy a copy.

Gabi said...

Poor Benny. He might still be afraid of you...

Deidra said...

lol this post makes a day sick in bed totally worth it. this is all im going to be thinking about for the next couple of days when i look at forests, young children, or cake. hilarious.

Unknown said...

Made me think of the maenads - the frenzied women followers of Dionysus. Euripides' "The Bacchae" includes a scene where the King of Thebes is killed by the maenads for not worshiping Dionysus. The king's mom, unlike the six-year-olds, feels remorse when she comes to her senses and realizes she tore the head off her son - not a lion. Whoops!

Anonymous said...

This is just like a horror movie.

It even ends with a cliffhanger. Did Benny ever play with you again?!

Though, I have to say, this is slightly less violent than the games my friends and I used to play.

We played 'Mass Extinction' during our dinosaur phase and this involved throwing someone at everyone else because they were the comet that killed the dinosaurs.

Unknown said...

Somehow, I am ok with you finding me. It wouldn't actually be that hard considering it only takes about five hours to get from Bend to here. But you have to go through the mountains which is way no bueno. Anyhum, I am fairly certain my brothers and I scared off more than one babysitter using similar tactics but also including (but not limited to) unplugging the phones, throwing food, hitting said babysitter with blunt objects and running around naked.

Grassy said...

I just found this wonderful blog. It's hilarious. I played a game like this when I was younger, we used foam bats after my older brother complained.

Simone said...

I love the wolf game, I've played a few times. Darn Police Men...

Megggle said...

I love their facial expressions when they get called for cake XD

MYW said...

Love love loved this. So so much. Reminded me of my younger cousin and her friends. Getting mauled by little girls is the worst fate known to man.

lurtgsaerzha said...

I love it so much, it's just wonderful! Thanks for drawing such great comics! :)

lurtgsaerzha said...

Oh, and I agree 100% with what Keri Magraw said - I've known your blog for a couple of weeks, and it's the only one I follow on a regular basis, cause I love it so much. Can't wait til you post the next one!

Unknown said...

There are alot of wolves in this post.

Anonymous said...

Poor Benny. My guess is, he never came back? Reminds me of having a child sit on top of me and pull my hair. There isn't enough money...

Cristina said...

I'm glad I'm not the only child who used to pretend to be a wolf when they were little.

my4kidsma said...

When I saw this, I immediately sent it to my children, ages 7-17. When I got home from work, they ushered me in and had me read it aloud, a sort of twisted "story time". They are now frantically making plans to go to the forest, with all their friends & cousins to play wolf pack. It will happen, oh yes, it will happen.

Danielle said...

That was such an awesome and terrifying story. Poor Benny... Wow...

Jamie said...

poor Benny indeed XD

FWP said...

Nothing warms my heart like a good story of young children honing their predatory skills. Such terror,Benny must have experienced.

Greg M said...

The sequence of this piece, where we only see tiny little glimpses of Allie & Allie's friend stalking Benny, are genius. And the opening recalls the twin girls from "The Shining."

This is one for the ages, every bit the equal of "God of Cake" and "Dogs Don't Understand Moving." Somebody needs to anthologize one of these pieces in "Best American Humor writing." I'm not kidding. Do you have any connections to Dave Eggers?

VeilSdeGTO said...

I need to find people to play this game with me now.

Anonymous said...

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years and life sorta sucked (because I then found out he was crazy...no seriously, literally crazy). But now that I've read your post...everything is going to be okay. Thanks for being awesome Ali!

Unknown said...

It's definitely a different take, reading this while listening to the Tron Legacy soundtrack.

Miss Raisinmay said...

I think I just wet my pants from laughing so hard... Not really... But you get the idea. SO Hilarious.

Laura S. said...

wolf pack is quite possibly the most B.A. games for a group of 6 year olds.

Twink said...

So, DID he ever come back, after you and your friends mentally traumatized him? xD

JadedTLC said...

The cake is a lie.

Anonymous said...

As usual, laughed till I cried. I am one of six daughters and I still think of my sisters as a pack of rabid animals.

Flora

indigowulf said...

Hahaha I used to play that game! Im so jelouse you had a real live Benny to play with, I had to be happy chewing on my dogs!

Jonadab said...

Heh. I bet that boy never wanted to babysit again.

If he'd been an *intelligent* lad, he didn't actually need to harm any of you (in any tangible way) to stop the biting. He only needed to transform his appearance in your little imaginations from prey to predator, which with his larger size should not have been particularly difficult. Really all he had to do is make one little girl panic and squeal, and the tables would be turned. Picking one of you up by the ankles and growling in her face seems like an obvious starting point; escalate as necessary until biting ceases (e.g., if the one you grab by the ankles doesn't scream, pick the next wolf up by the ears or "fur").

Alternately, tickling *might* have worked and would have been less likely to get him chewed out by the adults later, but given how outnumbered he was going on the offensive is probably more tactically sound.

BTW, I think this may be your second-best post to date. (The best, IMO, is the one about wanting to go to the party after oral surgery.)

nope said...

This should be a movie.

Chloe said...

Oh wow, this was amazing! I am so incredibly jealous of your childhood! Mine was spent flicking wood chips off of plastic spoons, at all the annoying people...

Azunara said...

Allie,

Ahem. Let be the 1,496,320,410th person to let you know that your blog is amazing given awesome form. (Admittedly, I have no idea if I am that person. I just made up that number.)

That said, another amazing post. I've corrupted one friend into reading your blog and am slowly but surely trying to get others. (They want me to watch Dr.Who in return. :p)

I can relate entirely, by the way. I was the kid in your second grade class that pretended I was a wolf. I was an amazing wolf. My howl was frikking awesome.

That's all.

krissy ♥ said...

Aww poor Benny :D

Anonymous said...

I figure I should leave a comment before the comment count on this got into the thousands to have any chance of getting a reply. I've been reading since the story about your pet dogs and moving house but over the last couple of months I have read every single one of your blogs... That I am aware of anyway. =P

I love this story. My sisters (I have 3 of them) and I use to play games like this but we didn't have anyone to pick on so we would just get sticks and try and beat up the boys down the road. I remember when this one kid Adam accidentally killed my sunflower. I had nursed that flower from seed to a flower twice my height and he fell on it and snapped it stem in two. I got the out door broom, took out the broom handle and attacked. He ended up getting a metal pool cleaners pole and we fought for almost an entire day. Was awesome (at the time) but we were both pretty bruised when we went home.

Anyway, I love your blog and totally do some of the same things as you like... I hate it when the shower curtain sticks to me... and I give personalities to some very random things. I feel like I know you... O___O In the least creepy possible way you can think of.

-Bailey

Anonymous said...

yus yus you never fail to disappoint with your lovely drawings and hilarious narrative :D

Anonymous said...

Building the suspense was wonderful. So creative for a little tyke. Each post shows how really warped your childhood was. Lucky you!
~physicsmom

Indigo said...

BAHAHAHAHA!!! And people wondered why I was terrified to discover that I was having a girl when I was pregnant for the first time... Former little girls NEVER forget what evils those adorable little angels are capable of, underneath that deceptive "sugar and spice" layer...

Emeraldus said...

I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes.

Stranded in a Dream said...

one of your best. i especially like the drawings - really brings out the scary/torment sense that benny must have felt

Stranded in a Dream said...

one of your best. i especially like the drawings - really brings out the scary/torment sense that benny must have felt

Anonymous said...

I imagine that thirty years on, similar behaviour is still seen in groups like this, only Benny is dressed as a cowboy/firefighter/police officer and the girls are all drinking shots hehe

DB Stewart said...

Whoa. This brought back so many memories. I'm a Benny.

Rebecca said...

wonderful story and kids are very scary

VictoriaE said...

Small children are adorable little sociopaths. My friend's son at five was the most wonderful child ever, sweet and cute and funny and respectful--and one day he leaned over and bit a chunk off my mom's nose. (I saw it happen!) He laughed and laughed, and she bled and bled. It took a while for him to register that she was in real pain, and even longer to realize that he had done a bad thing and hurt her. Small child brains just don't work like adult brains. So however much hyperbole may or may not be in this post, it is terrifyingly plausible. And horrible (poor Benny). And really, really, REALLY funny.

To the point of, "I snorted and choked on my spit" funny.

Thank you.

P.S. It's been six years, and you can hardly see my mom's scar now.

Rascalmom said...

I was so excited to see a new post, I think I started laughing even before I was reading. Hilarious as usual. The drawings were fantastic in this one, especially the wolves and the fear on Benny's face. And the toothmarks...oh. no. lol

I wonder if, years later, when Benny was married and his wife brought up the topic of children, he had severe PTSD and went fetal or just prayed not to have children like you guys! :)

Unknown said...

*snerk*

Reminds me of playing "lion cub" with my grampa. He was such a good sport. Even when I pounced on his back....

Elora said...

Aha!! I LOVED it!! In a way it reminds me of when my sister and I used to play "Lion" or "tiger" or some other animal like that and practically killed eachother... Good times, good times. I LOVE you Allie!!! :D

Achates said...

I hope you, too, laugh at the people who feel entitled to rating your blog. I'm sorry to those who do, but rating blogs is rating someones life(ish), well-written or otherwise. Probably why blogspot gives the option for ranking reactions, "Funny", "Interesting" or "Cool" if the author sets it up. They don't have a 1 to 10 scale of "Was it an enjoyable experience?" But that's just meee. Le sigh.
[/end rant.]

The trees were seriously spooky. I'm pretty sure I was one of the six year old girls playing princess. ;_;

Overall, I'd rate it a 10.5-ish. Loljk.

Naomi said...

This brings back memories of when I was a kid. I have 2 sisters who are similar in age with me. I can only imagine the terror some of our babysitters felt...hehehe :D

Severian said...

Evil. Just shockingly evil. xD You realise that poor old Benny is probably a serial killer now?!? :P

Anonymous said...

I believe Criminal Minds said it best. "All children profile as sociopath. They are incapable of empathizing."

Miss Mary said...

I got shivers (delicious shivers) when they started to count the second time, "One..." I could just hear it! We were awful children, and knew other awful little children. Some of us have grown up to be obsessively peaceful people. Atonement? Perhaps.

Anonymous said...

I'm so thankful someone finally told the truth about what it was like to be a little girl. We were truly horrible, just about like this. Sometimes worse.

The fangs ... *dies laughing* the fangs!!

Juliann (the Insane) said...

Bwahahahaha! I LOVE THIS! I might have played a similar game as a child. Vaguely, I recall pretending to be a wild animal in the woods....

No wait. I used to play Pocahontas with my dog. Oh yeah, lol. Or spies. My dog was an awesome heroic savior.

I played "Pet Dog" with my little sister when she got older. We'd lick the "pet owner" if we were the dog, wear a headband around our neck as a collar, bite....

We also would play "marine park" or "free willy" in the pool every summer. That one lasted like... for five years. No joke. LOL.

I adore your posts. This is SUCH a kid thing to do, too. Kids are great, they have such vivid imaginations...! ;D

Though I'm sure Benny wouldn't agree.... Oh well! :D

Bowen said...

I just laughed until I cried.

Valerie said...

......That poor poor boy! how awful!





....................and how I so wish I'D come up with that game! I'm SO teaching that to my daughter!

The Guru Mama Mel said...

That's freakin' awesome!

Just Another Ginger said...

I totally played this game with my older brother... he still resents me for it.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now and finally caught up. I just wanted to say that you're absolutely hilarious and talented. Your posts always make my day. Keep it up, please don't stop writing! =)

Dan said...

And this is why Benny is a furrie.

NellClare said...

I was exactly like that as a little girl! Except I had a ridiculous Don Quixote complex, so I would subject my friends/brother/5-year-old "boyfriend" to ridiculous hardships so that I could "rescue" them. I enjoyed this story so much, thank you.

Steph Hayward said...

this reminds me of a time where my kindergarteners were singing a song about dinosaurs and 'being' dinosaurs. When the new French girl (who didn't speak a word of english) hid in the corner, one of the boys looked pained and yelled over to her "Don't be scared, Coline! We are just kids PRETENDING to be dinosaurs!"

you summed up the power of a 6 year old's imagination, perfectly. And thanks for making me laugh so hard no sound came out. <3

Anonymous said...

weird, like some people i know

Nikki said...

Poor, poor Benny.

Amber said...

Wow! It reminds me so much of horrible stuff my family used to (and still does) get up to that it's almost not funny.

But it was fuckin' hilarious. I think I bust a spleen. I need a new spleen.

I knew there was a reason I love you, Allie...

Elliot said...

Love it! Especially cause something creeply similar to this happened to me! :/

Funny said...

I was halfway reading this while watching SVU and it turned into a terrible story in my mind. I think I need to try again.

Unknown said...

wait, didnt the girls leave tracks?
...

Unknown said...

This may be one of my favorites. Like waay up there. And that's saying a lot, for I have read them all and found myself fallin' in love with many posts.

It proves something I keep telling people: children are friggin' creepy. Take something only marginally creepy and add six year olds, and you have Instant Creepy Classic.

Children are also naturally savage still, at that age. (Ever see the Kindergartners on the cartoon show "Recess"? Heh.) These things are probably why six has always been my favorite age for kids.

Only... I have always been the older kid and then adult who would sit down and tell the kids about wonderfully savage and/or creepy things (or just help them hone what facts and understanding they had by answering the questions that disturbed other adults, like "is it messy when piranhas eat something?" and "what shoes would be best for stalking unsuspecting victims?" or "Mum, can you google and see whether a grizzly or a crocodile would win, and whether either of those could take on a 'raptor? ... and which would you hate to run into more while you were camping?"), knowing full well that all knowlege will be used to terrorize... uh, I mean play games with anyone who happens to stumble along.

Eli said...

As a seventeen year old who teaches Sunday School to a class of 2nd graders, I can verify that there was no extrapolation in this post.

Also, yay, an update!

Anonymous said...

So being the super obsessed fan that i am i have read every single post that you have ever posted. And lately they are coming in rather slowly. This once a month thing isn't cutting it for me. I need more.

Erin said...

Allie,
I was having a really horrible day at work today, and logged on to your blog when I got home. This post made me laugh so hard I almost lizzed (laughing and wizzing. Hopefully you watch 30 Rock and this doesn't sound crazy?)
Thank you so much for doing what you do, and writing this blog. It made my day infinitely better.

Jared said...

Lmao this totally reminds me of the last time i watched my little cousin i picked her up cuz she was acting weird & she was like "im a pokemon". I said "Oh, what do you do". She smiled and said "I bite people" and bit my face...

Hey check my comedy blog sometime. New posts about the evil of pandas and the effectiveness of nudity as a problem solving tactic.

http://whatwouldjareddo.blogspot.com

Emily Sigmon said...

There are two possible outcomes for Benny in this situation:
1. He was institutionalized and now has a major fear of wolves, forests, six-year-old girls, cake, and small children's birthday parties.
2. He became = stronger, smarter, and more understanding of the realistic capabilities of six-year-olds and will NOT abuse his lack of knowledge again.
Good chance of being either of these.

Kenny Tai said...

Love your posts! You could make a story book in the future!

Your drawings of wolves have very nice angles.

Hello from Philippines ;)

Anonymous said...

Yayyyy!! Thank you thank you thank you!! I have been so deprived of posts and have been checking every day! :)


Darian Edlen

colebabcock said...

I WIN!! I WILL KILL YOU ALL!! I AM THE FATHER WOLF!! HAHA!!

KristinB said...

Love it! It got me thinking - as a kid, I steered clear of biting, I mostly tried to lick my relatives. It had to have been some kind of salt deficiency.

VictoriaE said...

I just made my mother come in and look at the pictures while I read this post aloud to her. (I did the voices and everything.) The only problem was, I kept laughing so hard I choked. And this was my fourth reading. The cake trance. The two panels of cute innocent stares followed by, "One...." The ghostly pink Allie streak--the reaction shot--and the undetected "little wolves" peering over the rise at their prey.

Love it. Again.

Lerena Leigh Helena said...

"I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you." That really seems to sum up this post. I was a wimp as a 6-year. You were cool.

AmburHostyn said...

This was hilarious, and it also makes me jealous, I never played wolf pack when I was six, I just played Power Rangers. In wolf pack you actually get to bite people :P lol
And poor Benny, I bet the thing he was afraid of most was when he was going to have to come back...his mom promised 8-O lol

Anonymous said...

LOVE

Bree said...

Poor Benny :(

I love your picture of Mom calling you all for cake, it's pretty amazing. :)

Ami said...

Oh my, that poor boy! Did he ever come back over to play with all the little girls, I wonder? And what does he think now of the time that he was hunted by an excitable group of six year olds with over-active imaginations?

Your posts are an absolute delight; they inspire me to try and write more! Though my writing is not nearly as entertaining, I must say.

Kimber Leszczuk. said...

Wonderful story Ally!! Sounds like a fun game!!! I never got to play anything that cool when I was little. You are so lucky!

Heidi said...

Best...one...yet.

ToniP said...

Poor, Benny. He's probably got an overwhelming fear of dogs or children or children that think they're dogs (which are pretty scary anyways).

I wish I had had games like that when I was younger. I used to just run around the front yard pretending I was a superhero.

Yurii DeLaney said...

hahaha...omg.. the head tilt on the girls when they're being called for cake.... I busted out laughing cuz, in my head i heard the sound of snow crunching under foot and snarling and squealing and giggling...completely grind to a halt as the "howl" of CAAAAAKE founds its way thru the trees. and possibly the faint collective "aro0?" with the head tilt.

Seriously, yer drawings slay me.
Thank you. :)

ジャイミ said...

My boyfriend dislikes this comic.

I savor it. I make sure I am done laughing before I go to the next panel or story.

This usually means it takes me hours to read a comic... and I belly laugh. It's a wonder my upstairs neighbors haven't reported me yet.

<3 More please :D

Bina said...

I wonder whatever happened to poor Benny. Did he grow up to have girls of his own? And if so, what games does he play with them?

Excellent story.

Brandy said...

awww poor Benny.

Lol-tastic as per uze.

That's What She said...

Ah poor Benny.

Reminds me of when I used to volunteer at a summer daycamp and play tag with the kids...
except they were all "it" and I was not.

The epics of childhood that shapes our lives.

Maria said...

This post is making me feel like I missed out on something during my childhood. My friends and I NEVER played these kinds of games at our parties! Which sucks, because I can think of a few boys that would have deserved it!

chitzk0i said...

Wow, the wolves look so beautiful!

JamesBrett said...

this would have been absolutely hilarious...

if my little brother had not been eaten by a pack of hungry children when i was in middle school.

so, instead now, it's just sad.

...poor me said...

...poor Benny...he never had a chance.

Casey said...

And people continue to question why I don't want children.

Norepinephrines said...

Loved it.
Your posts make my face happy when it is otherwise sad.

My friends and I used to play wolf, too. But it really only involved us howling at each other, and running around the playground in circles, moving our arms awkwardly to indicate that we had four legs, while being watched by teachers who really didn't earn enough to be expected to put up with that sort of thing.

We were less 'wolves' and more 'spastically incorrigible.'

Christopher said...

Nightmares will find me tonight.

daradv said...

Even though this specifically never happened to me, I used to play (not tea parties and pretend to be princesses) but like this and this felt all too real for me. I loved it so much! I feel we think similarly about our childhood... and no one ever really understands haha.

ForPetsSake said...

Brilliant! Great stalking scenes...I was riveted and actually pretty scared. All those little kids and their sharp little teeth **shudder**

Anonymous said...

I do beleive that is the single most terrifying thing I have ever read. I am so glad I'm not having any more children!

Post Bitch said...

Seconding the peeing at all the six year olds tilting their heads at CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.... like in a beautiful horror movie. Well done on the real life psychological thriller.

LoneIslander said...

Best birthday ever!

The Dad said...

haha! Just pure awesome.

Nikki said...

I think this is some of your best artwork. It was hilarious as usual, but also kind of stunning as well. The very first picture of the wolves made me stop and stare for a good while before I continued reading. I cant believe you can do that on a computer! It's exquisite. Also, you should know that I made a twitter account just for you. I tried to make a cool name conveying that, however, "AllieBroshIsAwesome" and "AllieBroshIsCHAMPION" were too long :-(

C said...

That was so delightful and creepy! Thank you!

Zonie said...

Those are some awesome wolf drawings.
I would have been friends with more girls if I had known they played WOLF PACK. Most of the ones I knew were the princess-and-tea-party types.
I went and stalked things on my own, dangit.

A. said...

My favorite animals when I was little were wolves. I had shirts and statues and made my parents take me to some wolf park in Indiana (which is a big deal when you live in Arizona). So the chance that I would have done this exact same thing, if I had found a victim? 100%

Miss said...

Wow those wolf drawings are amazing.

Allison Paley said...

That's just CREEPY, that game. This is the first post you've made that has made me seriously afraid.

Arlene said...

Did he ever come back? Lol I just bet if he did he wore armor to protect himself.

Ginger Kid Studios said...

So, as always I found this to be truly amazing and only serve to make me wish that either; a) my life was as awesome as yours, or b) I knew you in real life.

I also REALLY want to turn this into a flash video, would give you credit for the writing and concept art and all that jazz if you'd like and pimp your site endlessly. Just thought it'd be fun to do as part of my Flash course at the college here.

Anonymous said...

It's like Children of the Corn meets Lord of the Flies. It was legitimately unsettling.

Anonymous said...

I often feel a lot like Benny...only the kids all have knives strapped to their feet (figure skating instructor who has to deal with little kids daily). I always feel like an ass when the parent of that *one kid* who drives me to insanity week after week tells me "you're his/her favorite teacher, s/he loves you soooo much!" and all I can muster is a look of shell-shock and strong desire to run away.

That said, I think having students like your "wolf pack" would cause me to take up something safer, with a desk - maybe accounting.

Love the blog, it made my 12 hour dayof dealing with kids much better. :) Thanks!

Cui Cui said...

Ally. You could win the presidency on your blog along.

Cui Cui said...

alone

Cui Cui said...

alone

TriGirl said...

Oh my goodness. Poor, poor Benny. Those girls are creeeeepy. Love the perspective shots from above! Brilliant post. I am now afraid to go to bed.

Amelia Rice said...

Hi Allie! I just started a blog. You were the inspiration. Thank you.
I love these posts! At school my friend and I broke the rules (GASP!) to look up your blog, and you should have seen the look on my face when I saw the new post. Pure joy! I couldn't wait to get home.
Love you!
Carmen

Your Life Is A Sitcom said...

I love it... sooo much! Keep it coming!

Unknown said...

Oh... out there on the 'nets, you will find quizzes about "how many five yr olds/six yr olds/kindergartners can you take in a fight?"

The trick is to be willing to fight back. I mean, they're little, you can pick one up and use them against the others.

Benny, apparently, was not versed in such things.

Tsuki Iacuaniello said...

Long time lurker, first time commenter. How DID you know wolves were my favorite animal? I'm sure I would've played very similar games, if I had friends as a kid to play them. So I just pretended to be a wolf by myself, and climbed on/scratched at/chewed on furniture and such.

Meg said...

The "come play with us!" frame made me think of "Do you wanna play a game?" from Saw III.

Poor, poor Benny!

Tami said...

The icing on the cake is Benny's adolescent mustache (or is it a crop of blackheads?). Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

That . . . that extended stalking sequence is the best scrolldown in the history of the internets. I am DYING.

Dave said...

holy hell, i just laugh so hard i think i dislocated a testicle. allie, even though your posts are becoming fewer and fewer in between they continue to improve. fantastic stuff

Jaime said...

I think every older sibling has to deal with a less scary version of this at some point or other. This one had me laughing even more than usual. :D

Crystal said...

Bahaha. Epic. I wonder how big Benny's shrink bill is...

curlygurl said...

That was SO funny! I've been on both ends of that; both as the screaming, sadistic child and as the poor soul who has to entertain a pack of sadistic children. AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! The drawings of you and your friends at age six were adorable and the ones of the wolves were quite good! Keep up the good posts!

Jessie Mia said...

I have not laughed this long between reading this post and the last. Thank you. I have stayed up an hour later than I should. And I might be too happy to go to sleep :)

Diana said...

Egads, but you were a deranged and dangerous child!

And you know that Benny, if he comes across this page, is frantically printing this to show to EVERYONE HE KNOWS so he can prove that he's not insane.

Unless he was locked up in an insane asylum...

Anonymous said...

i'm just saying this because i absolutely love your blog (so please don't hate me), but these last two episodes are getting rather unbelievable. i don't remember this much from when i was 6. the beauty of your stories are when they seem plausible and are recounted with realistic details. i'm still obsessed with your blog :)

Katie Lee said...

I must say I felt just like Benny, scared and alone while I was scrolling through the pictures of trees. I just knew something was going to pop out at me soon.

I love the small, unidentifiable animal in that one forest picture.

Your wolves are absolutely amazing. Majestic and beautiful. Way nicer than a rabid pack of girls...

Adorably Dead said...

Man I'm so glad you didn't play Princess, lol, awesome post.

Also good to know I'm not the only chick, who as a child, played really messed up games that culminated in others being hurt.

imagine_enigami said...

Allie, you draw amazing wolves. Seriously, you do.

=)

Micah said...

So hilarious! I just started a new job today in Kenya and am pretty sure that snickering to myself while reading this post has now convinced them I'm some totally insane American. The next nine months should be interesting.

Anonymous said...

LOL that was amazing,

But awh, poor Benny!

Krizpy said...

Ahahahahahahaaa. Poor, unsuspecting Benny. :D

What awesome little girls. I think I would've fit into the pack quite nicely. XD

DQ said...

I hope Benny lived to at least see college...

I had a similar experience at my younger brother's 5th birthday party (he is 9 years younger than me) except I am a woman, and these were a dozen or so 5-6 year old boys. I was chased, thank goodness it was only through the backyard (we live in proper suburbia, no where near forests) but it was still deeply disconcerting to have one of them shout as they chased me 'lets grab her boobies', not least of all because at 14 I didn't really have any!
Never underestimate the capacity for young children to become animalistic, base, and dangerous, nor the speed at which they can become an out of control mob!

As you can tell, I survived. Just.

Holly said...

That is brilliant, I wish I'd used such genius on my brother when I was small!

erer said...

Poor benny!!! this was a hilarious read!

Anonymous said...

Massive love :D
And the wolves are COOL.

Lieutenant Blue Berry said...

Oh my god I hurt my spleen laughing at this. God, people forgot how terrifyingly vicious little girls can be. There's a reason the most popular camp songs at the girl scout camp I went to were the ones that had to do with maiming and killing people. Seriously. One of them was about a cat around which people died in gruesome ways and it was our favorite.

Mandi said...

Who was Benny?

Unknown said...

Love it!

I wonder if you could get Benny to comment on this?

Awesome wolf drawings!

Admiral Awesome said...

I love wolves!

Geeky Canuck said...

Sometimes I care about cake more than people.

Brooke Hazelgrove said...

Evil, evil :P

And yet, pure gold.

Are your forest trees the type you can't climb? Or was Benny looking for the realism of not having opposable thumbs?

Good to see some more writing.

You know, I used to play a game with a child-care group that went like this. I was the one that ran. But I don't think the little...things...ever bit me. Poor kid.

Anonymous said...

Benny should have kicked every one of those little girl in the face.

Akela said...

I've been depressed the whole week and this just made my day <3!!!!

How Sam Sees It said...

Saved by cake! It's a wonderful thing! Although, I'm never having kids now - or playing with any... scary....

Sam

Jessika said...

I loved it! I also love how you drew the wolves, that was my favorite part.

Unknown said...

My favorite detail is the brown Tupperware pitcher full of apple juice.

ziggy161 said...

That's hilarious xD All the terrified expressions...wow xD

Cassie said...

Ahaha. Oh, the memories. Reminds me of when the little kiddies next door used to stalk me around our neighbourhood. Every now and then I’d turn around and they would try to hide behind lampposts, mailboxes, or the occasional garbage bin. Then they would peek their little heads out and give me a smile (a smile they probably thought was cute, but made me think of savage little gremlins) and then continue to stalk me.

Anonymous said...

PRICELESS! I also feel I have probably left a trail of psychologically scarred former playmates behind me... AND I LIKE IT!

Anonymous said...

I love the one where the little girl is eating his head.

Just A Midwife said...

The rainbow & heart t-shirts add the final comic touch. And your wolf drawings are superb!

Christa Maurice said...

I teach kindergarten and your portrayal of the girls is perfect!

Amanda said...

Genius. That is all.

Unknown said...

You make little girls seem savage and brutal. Perfect.

Ja'mum said...

Umm. Did Benny ever return? I'm dyin' here!!!

Steffanie said...

I love the little monster's tshirts :)

Rissa @ Hazel and Honeysuckle said...

Bwahahaha!! Poor Benny!

This totally sounds like the kind of thing we would've done as kids. We lived opposite a pine forest growing up and it was the BEST thing ever!

<3 your blog Allie!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely loved the story and the photos to go along with it. Sounds like something my siblings and I would have done as kids! :)

Sue Sitki said...

Once again I'm laughing out loud in my office!

THANK YOU!!!

LuckyLuigi said...

One...

I love it !!!

Harvest said...

Poor Benny, but there are worse games to be press ganged into. We used to play "fencing", which amounted to us beating the everloving crap out of each other with sticks. Perhaps not as imaginative, but violent enough to sate the bloodthirst of your average kid.

Ankita Sarkar said...

Find him an apologize.


:D

kady said...

oooh, I am so glad you're back! I was just starting to wonder if the ice bears or the (gulp) orc rapists had gotten you. I am so relieved!!

I must say, BPope sucks eggs, Alot. Don't read his/her comment; he/she is clearly just a jealous loser.

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