Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.
I know this because my boyfriend Duncan and I moved from Montana to Oregon last month. But as harrowing as the move was for us, it was nothing compared to the confusion and insecurity our two dogs had to endure.
Our first dog is - to put it delicately - simple-minded. Our other dog is a neurotic German shepherd mix with agonizingly low self-esteem who has taken on the role of "helper dog" for our simple dog. Neither dog is well-equipped with coping mechanisms of any kind.
When we started packing, the helper dog knew immediately that something was going on. I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty. She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.
When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed. Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos. The simple dog remained unfazed.
Unfortunately for the helper dog, it took us nearly a week to get everything packed up. By the time we were ready to begin the first part of our two-day journey to Oregon, she seemed almost entirely convinced that she was going to die at any moment. She spent the entire car ride drooling and shaking uncontrollably.
But the simple dog seemed to enjoy the trip.
Even though she threw up seven times.
She actually seemed to like throwing up. To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food. I was less excited about the discovery because it turned my dog into a horrible, vomit-making perpetual motion machine. Whenever I heard her retch in the backseat, I had to pull over as quickly as possible to prevent her from reloading her stomach and starting the whole cycle over again.
But as far as the simple dog was concerned, it was the best, most exciting day of her life.
It wasn't until we stopped for the night in Umatilla that the simple dog became aware that there was any reason for her to feel anxious. But at around two o'clock in the morning, the simple dog finally realized that something was different and maybe she should be alarmed.
This particular dog is not anywhere near the gifted spectrum when it comes to solving problems. In fact, she has only one discernible method of problem solving and it isn't even really a method.
But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the simple dog did not understand this concept and she went right ahead and made an interminable amount of noise that was just invasive enough to make sleeping impossible.
After an hour of failed attempts at comforting the simple dog, her constant, high-pitched emergency-distress-signal became a huge problem.
I tried to communicate my displeasure to the simple dog, but communicating with the simple dog usually goes like this:
She was going to make that sound forever if she felt it was necessary. We tried everything from spooning her to locking her in the bathroom, but none of it was even the slightest bit effective.
The simple dog made the noise all through the night and was still going strong the next morning. When we were loading the dogs into the car, the constant, high-pitched sound emanating from the simple dog finally broke the helper dog. The helper dog wailed in anguish, which alarmed the simple dog. In her surprise, the simple dog let out a yelp, which further upset the helper dog. And so it continued in a wretched positive-feedback loop of completely unnecessary noise.
When we finally arrived at our new house, the dogs had calmed down considerably. Unfortunately, it had snowed the night before and there was still snow on our front lawn, and that was enough to catapult both dogs back into hysteria.
The simple dog had either never experienced snow or she'd forgotten that she knew what it was, because when we let her out of the car, she walked around normally for about seven seconds, then she noticed the snow and her feeble little mind short-circuited.
At first, the simple dog was excited about the snow. She started prancing around the yard like she was the star of a one-dog parade - her recent personal crisis overshadowed by a haze of enthusiasm.
The prancing turned to leaping and the leaping turned to running chaotically in stupid little circles. Then she just stopped and stared at the ground. There was a visible shift in her demeanor as she realized that she didn't understand snow and it was everywhere and she should probably be scared of it. She started making the noise again.
Not surprisingly, the helper dog interpreted the snow as a sign of her imminent demise. But she was so exhausted from worrying about all of the other signs of her demise that she just gave up and accepted her death. She peered up at us, half-buried in the snow. Her eyes were filled with pain and helplessness, as if she thought we had summoned the snow for the sole purpose of making her sad.
We decided that it would probably be best to bring the dogs inside.
As a condition for allowing us to have dogs in our rental house, our landlady made us promise that we wouldn't let the dogs scratch the wood floors. We didn't anticipate it being a problem because it hadn't been in the past, but as soon as our dogs set foot in the house, they morphed into perfectly engineered floor-destroying machines. They started sprinting as fast as they could for absolutely no reason - skittering around in circles to avoid running into the walls.
We finally corralled them in the bedroom and shut the door to give ourselves a little time to regroup and come up with a plan. Until we could get some rugs or convince the dogs that it was unnecessary to sprint around chaotically for no reason, we would need to find some way to prevent them from scratching the floors. What we ended up doing was going to the pet store and buying two sets of sled dog booties. It was the only way.
It is easy to imagine that a dog who has recently experienced a dramatic upheaval of its formerly safe and predictable life might not react well to suddenly having strange objects attached to all four of its feet. This was most definitely the case with the booties.
The helper dog panicked and started trying to rip the booties off with her teeth.
I scolded her and she reacted as if I'd ruined her entire life.
But at least her immobilizing self-pity kept her from chewing the booties off.
The simple dog just stood there and looked at me in a way that would suggest she didn't realize her legs still worked.
They had to wear the booties for two days. Those two days were filled with the most concentrated display of overemotional suffering I have ever witnessed. The simple dog spent most of her time standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered and hurt and the helper dog refused to walk, instead opting to flop her way around the house like a dying fish.
The entire ordeal was punctuated by the simple dog's high-pitched confusion alarm.
We were beginning to think that our dogs were permanently broken. Nothing we did helped at all to convince the dogs that we had only changed houses and our new house was not, in fact, some sort of death-camp and we weren't actually planning on killing them to fulfill an organ harvest ritual. Despite our best efforts, they continued to drift around in a sea of confusion and terror, pausing only to look pitiful.
But while we were unpacking, we found a squeaky toy that was given to us as a gift shortly before we moved. We offered the toy to the dogs. This may have been a mistake.
Upon discovering that the toy squeaked when it was compressed forcefully, the simple dog immediately forgot that she'd ever experienced doubt or anxiety ever in her life. She pounced on the toy with way more force than necessary, over and over and over. The logic behind her sudden change in outlook was unclear.
But at least she was happy again.
2,463 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1401 – 1600 of 2463 Newer› Newest»LOL, I love Simple Dog!
This is like the time I had to move to Texas with my cat. He stayed with my parents when I moved to Hawaii. It would've been a bridge too far.
Lol! I don't think I have ever laughed so hard. I hope the poor moping dog has recovered by now and the squeaking toy has been hidden away.
This is the best post. I laughed so hard. You just capture the personality and mindset of your dogs and dogs in general so well.
Absolutely worth the wait. I hope they've settled down. ;)
ALLIE BROSH
I''M REALLY dRUNK AND I JUST READ THIS EW EW EW THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY HEANS
YUCK
ANYWAY I REALLY LIKED YOUR ENTRY AND IT READ IT ALOUD FOR A RFRIEND OF MINE AND WTF WHAT GOT ON MY JEANS I WAS JUST ON THE LFOOR AND ITS SOME KIND OF WHITE FLUFFFS?????????????????????\\
ANYWA Y I HOPE YOUR DOGS ARE FEELING BETTER AND ALSO YOU
OH YOU SHOULD DRAW DUNCAN WITH EYEBROWS. I REALLY LIKE HIS EYEBROWS. THEY MAKE HIM LOOK HOT. SO DOES THE REST OF HIM. LOOK HOT, YES.
YOUER THE BEST (OMG IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO SPELL THAT)
-ALEXANDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the risk of repeating other people's comments (since I'm not going to go through 1408 comments to check), you should probably never break up with Duncan. All the people who follow your blog would be on that in a heartbeat.
Oh god. My sides. My stomach. My THROAT. It was the helper dog flopping around the floor that did me in. Holy crap I am still laughing. Awesome job. (sorry you have to listen to the simple dog's distress signal all day though)
This was great! I just recently started reading your blog (and actually stayed up until 5 am two nights in a row to read all your posts). I almost peed my pants reading this. (For reals! I'm gonna go pee right now so that doesn't really happen.)
wait! what happened to helper dog!?!
Hilarious, Allie. This was brilliant.
I recently moved to Portland with three dogs -- three dogs who are, thank god, no longer stressed. Luckily, our experience was nothing like yours. I've had at least a half dozen people forward me your post. I read your blog regularly, but just now had time to read this post. No wonder everyone was forwarding it! Damned etnertaining, as usual.
Real long time since I laughed my heart out :)
'If all men had the hearts of dogs, the world would be such a beautiful place to live'
As a fellow person with dogs, I can completely relate. They go throug more dramatic emotional moods than most teenagers! (And, for the record, are evn harder to convince that the world is NOT out to get them!)
I feel disturbed and ashamed to be asking this, but after spending my evening reading through a crapload of your blog posts my query must be answered.
WHAT! AND WHY is there random grey chunks on the right hand ride of all your posts? These irregular shaped items keep appearing, confusing me into thinking" Oh gross, there is some type of mystery sauce on my laptop screen" but NOPE! It's just these random grey blogs.
Is there a reason? Is this some type of screening test for ADD? Does this mean I failed?
Desperately awaiting answers,
Sarah Mavro
Allie, my bunny has been sick all week and was no better better this morning. I really needed a good laugh this morning, so thank you.
p.s. "I made food! I'm magical!" almost made me choke on my bagel.
I totally loved this! Priceless pictures and story. THANKS ALLIE!!
*Laughing* TOO DAMN FUNNY! I have two dogs that I had to move with and I can totally relate!
I laughed until I cried. Your stupid dog looks and in most ways behaves just like my stupid dog. Perhaps they are related. Does she have Australian Cattle Dog in there anywhere?
This is too funny! I love the expressive cartoons too and the thought bubbles. 1234....blue...bumble bee. Lol
FOR THE LOVE OF DOG - put simple dog on a mug I can buy from you!
Oh my gosh this is hilarious! I laughed and laughed and laughed and probably woke up my roommates, but when I show it to them it will be worth it. You are a great writer and illustrator!
this is too funny also love the cartoons with the dogs expressions and thought bubbles. Simple Dog: 1234...blue...bumble bee. Lol!
Holy crap, my Golden sounds exactly like Simple dog.
Except the noise he makes is more like "Eeeeee. Eeeeerrr. Eeeeerrrrugh. Urf." which repeats endlessly.
Also, sweet, Oregon is someplace I know the geographical location of! I may get some of your local references, if you ever start making them...
I laughed myself sick and I totally needed that right now. I am the owner of a completely retarded pug-chihuahua mix whose primary joy in life is having someone's fingers in her mouth, and a blind shepherd mix who has a single primary drive to eat absolutely everything. Sometimes I question why I have dogs. Your blog... well, it doesn't really help. But sometimes I laugh myself sick.
Holy shit 1,428 comments in what? A day? You, Allie, are a godess.
we're about to do this with our 2 dogs. Thanks for getting me psyched about it.
Greetings from Finland! Somebody posted this blog and this story to a finnish pet bulletin board. We loved it! :D :D
Omg, what a wonderful account of things. It sounds like the dogs were traumatized beyond belief. My sympathies but brilliant account all the same
Funniest post yet.
Pics even more wonderful than usual! This post made me glad that I only have a cat. Nutty as she is - as all cats are - I think these dogs have outdone her by far! Hope all of you enjoy your new home. If not now than at least soon
Loved it! You are one talented and funny individual Allie.
MrCurly
Oh my God. Having had a previously car-sick dog, I have a *special* understanding of that part. I've not cried laughing in a while. It was nice to do so again, though I think my pelvic floor would disagree.
Genius. The dog thought bubbles made me laugh until I cried.
dogs reflect their owner's hidden anxieties
Genius. The dog thought bubbles made me laugh until I cried.
Laughed until I cried - twice!
I have not laughed that hard in forEVER. Thanks!
dogs are not stupid. Oregon? Why? Next step Tea Party.
Allie, please, please, please write an illustrated humor book. I will buy it. I'll buy several of it for friends. Promise. Your posts are without question the funniest in the blogging world. I read your entire site in two or three days and just about mourned when I got to the end. Be well :) And please keep writing!
(I have a cat who is SimpleDog's soulmate, right down to the high-pitched noise when she gets concerned.)
And I thought moving my two cats 18 months ago was traumatic. Both pooed in their cages in the whopping 15 minute drive from one house to the other. My female cat spent her first two days in the bath tub/under the bed and my male cat ran around howling at the top of his voice. This makes me feel so much better. :) I needed a new post, thank you!
Oh the joy my heart feels when there is a new post to greet me...
No matter how crap treatment is you always manage to make me laugh...
I'm pretty sure Simple dog and my dog are from the same batch of puppies...
Not the brightest crayons in the box.
The high pitched squeal, the car vomit, the brainless running round the room, the introduction of snow...
I'm sure you have a clone of Murphy, they even look similar.
Thank you continuously giving my abs a work out from laughing...
Although I have learned to pee BEFORE I read a post least I actually pee my pants with laughter.
My day has been made.
Cheers
Can someone please stop the pain? I forgot that laughing hurts so much!
THANK YOU!
Laughed 'til my stomach hurt, tears gushing! And I know it's all true because we went through a parallel experience with our two big dogs. Years after the move, the neurotic one would still go into a panic every time she saw a moving van in the neighborhood.
Thank you, Allie Brosh. We moved from California to Tennessee and back, within 2 years. Our mutts, brother and sister litter-mates, *HATED* both trips. Sis, the helper dog, was trembling most of the trip and developed a psychosomatic limp. Bro, a simple soul, was just terrified except when came time to relieve himself, then he was the intrepid idiot adventurer! In Arizona he ran off and a few minutes later returned, limping like his sister. I thought he'd finally grown up into a neurotic, but he limped slower and slower until he finally stopped and the high-pitched noise began. He'd walked through a patch of Goat Head stickers. I had to carry the poor guy out!
Oh my god thank goodness you are back!! i was beginning to think i'd have to find another way to procrastinate!! hurrah! (also i genuinely do like your posts :) )
I could not have loved this more! I love, you, your dogs, and all the booties & squeaky toys! God love dogs and how utterly annoying they are 97% of the time, with the remaining 3% divided by adorable and peeing on the carpet enraging. *sigh* I want to hug my doggie now. Thank you so much for your woeful tale, makes everything much funnier. For me at least! Keep up the great work!
This is beautiful.
Very good drawings, wonderful post. I can totally relate and so can my dog.
He knows the world is okay as long as he has a squeaky toy.
Oh my Lord, I LOLed...
I was having lunch when I read this.
When I got to the "WHERE R MY LEGS?!" frame, I almost inhaled a small potato.
I will continue to read your blog, but never again while eating.
This is fantastic! I just found this blog and found it hilarious. I remember moving from Alaska to Texas, as a kid, with my mom, baby sister and Somba the Siamese, in one car and my dad and brother in the other. Six days of constant meowing and vomitting.(the cat) The only thing that would shut her up for any length of time was Missie's baby food. My mom was an absolute wreak by the time we got to Texas and my dad was in hot water for months.
Oh my god. That was great. I laughed so hard my dog is about to emit that high pitched simple dog sound.....
We got the snow booties for our setter last winter because she'd get snow packed into her paws and refuse to walk. She found the booties completely humiliating. We said they made her walk like one of those Lippizzaner stallions. Hilarious post!
this was absolutely HILARIOUS!!! a friend of mine has dogs that are JUST like yours and i could see this whole thing playing out in my head the whole time i read it!!!
I read this from a friend's Facebook link; I rarely click on links, but I'm so glad I did this one!
This is one of the funniest things I have EVER read. I was laughing so hard that I cried.
Thanks for that!
I too have a "simple" dog and I found your post soo funny that i cannot stop crying! lol :) <3 the drawings too.
We had similar problems when we moved from Louisiana to Florida. And then again when we moved 10 minutes away to a house that we bought. With the big move, one of our dogs didn't pee for 5 days, and caused herself to get a bladder infection.
well, this was a wonderful story. Mom and I enjoyed the pictures as well - very much!
This should be a good topic to bring up with your vet.
I do not advocate using drugs but for this situation perhaps an Rx for xanax would be helpful.
Your doggies are adorable and I am imagining that everything will be back to normal very soon. Best wishes on your new home and of course new adventures in the future!
PS: mom's daughter sent this story to us.
We are thankful she did :-)
well, this was a wonderful story. Mom and I enjoyed the pictures as well - very much!
This should be a good topic to bring up with your vet.
I do not advocate using drugs but for this situation perhaps an Rx for xanax would be helpful.
Your doggies are adorable and I am imagining that everything will be back to normal very soon. Best wishes on your new home and of course new adventures in the future!
PS: mom's daughter sent this story to us.
We are thankful she did :-)
well, this was a wonderful story. Mom and I enjoyed the pictures as well - very much!
This should be a good topic to bring up with your vet.
I do not advocate using drugs but for this situation perhaps an Rx for xanax would be helpful.
Your doggies are adorable and I am imagining that everything will be back to normal very soon. Best wishes on your new home and of course new adventures in the future!
PS: mom's daughter sent this story to us.
We are thankful she did :-)
well, this was a wonderful story. Mom and I enjoyed the pictures as well - very much!
This should be a good topic to bring up with your vet.
I do not advocate using drugs but for this situation perhaps an Rx for xanax would be helpful.
Your doggies are adorable and I am imagining that everything will be back to normal very soon. Best wishes on your new home and of course new adventures in the future!
PS: mom's daughter sent this story to us.
We are thankful she did :-)
well, this was a wonderful story. Mom and I enjoyed the pictures as well - very much!
This should be a good topic to bring up with your vet.
I do not advocate using drugs but for this situation perhaps an Rx for xanax would be helpful.
Your doggies are adorable and I am imagining that everything will be back to normal very soon. Best wishes on your new home and of course new adventures in the future!
PS: mom's daughter sent this story to us.
We are thankful she did :-)
I don't think I've laughed that hard in so long! Oh my word! You've made me cry I'm laughing so hard!
Don't fret the floors. You can buy a $20 random-orbital sander at Harbor Freight (use google, it's the most amazing store ever). That and a cheap box of sanding pads, and you can take the scratches out in about fifteen minutes. Then wipe on some polyurethane floor finish (most hardware stores carry it), and you'll never be able to tell there were dogs.
that's so great, you are the only person that can consistently make me cry with laughter. and then i try to explain to my husband why i'm crying, but instead of showing him the post, i usually cackle on about some gory disturbing thing that you have managed to make hilarious. then he looks at me like i'm very very sick in the head and that he is thinking of showing me rorshach blots to check for madness... you are fantastic, please please keep it up.
THIS IS AHHHHH MAY ZING.
SO SO SO SO FUNNY,
Julia
BridesUpNorth
Thank you so much. Laughing at this made the leash burn my dog gave me last night while trying to drive away a scary man-who-doesn't-make-enough-noise-when-walking hurt much less.
VERY entertaining, TFS!!
Flippin' hysterical. Thank you for almost making me snort coffee out my nose this morning.
Having just driven from NY to ID with 4 cats, I can appreciate this sooooo much.
Hahahahaha. You're dogs sound awesome. The helper dog sounds like my old one, who would refuse to leave the front lawn. I wonder what would happen if we tried to move...? O_O
The simple minded one (who I recognized from a previous post :D ) sounds a bit like my current dog, who howls her head off when she's panicked.
We once had a cat who went crazy (the vet suggested putting him on depression medicine) when we added on to the house. I don't even want to know what would happen if we moved.
Loved it! Please post again soon! :)
OMD!!! Just found your blog from Cody Originals and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! You are amazing! I'm telling everyone I know to read this!
The Road Dogs' Mom
I love the illustrations, but that aside the solution is simple: shoot the dogs before you leave. Problem solved. dogs belong on farms where they can do some useful work and are too tired to be neurotic.
Oh God, thank you for this! The funniest, most true accounts of moving with dogs I've ever read.
I'm moving 450 miles next month with a St.Bernard, Lab, Beagle and a neurotic "Dump Dog" and 3 hyperactive juvenile cats.
I'm not sure all of us will make it.
Oh God, thank you for this! The funniest, most true accounts of moving with dogs I've ever read.
I'm moving 450 miles next month with a St.Bernard, Lab, Beagle and a neurotic "Dump Dog" and 3 hyperactive juvenile cats.
I'm not sure all of us will make it.
Wow.
Thank you for the best representation of simple dogs everywhere.
One lives in my house and I thought no one could ever understand.
Wondering how Helper is doing?
Thanks for making me laugh so hard I broke a rib. Loved.it.so.much.
This is flat-out brilliant. Especially the drawings. WIN.
Ok, I am going to need an "I'm magical I make food" T-shirt. Seriously.
Cat crap! It was moxiegrace who told us about you - not Cody Originals. Just want to give proper credit :)
Ummm, I don't know if you've realised he's missing yet, but I think you might have left Boyfriend at the hotel...
Having moved several months ago with my 2 dogs that have lived in the same house for 10 years, I can so completely relate! Thanks for a good laugh!!
:D
OMG. I couldn't even read all the way through in one shot. I kept having to break away b/c it was too hard to contain the quite laugh he at work. I teared up holding it back. So I'd turn to work for a minute, then come back to read more. We're moving, with out dog, in a month, so thanks for the heads up! SO f-ing funny.
I know you're being funny, but some 'dog whispering' training would be great for both you and the dogs. Comforting whining dogs, for instance, never does anything except make them more anxious. Wolves behave in 'comforting' ways when they're scared, so the dog thinks you're anxious too and gets even more unsettled, plus you're giving her positive reinforcement (holding, etc.) for the whining - and of course she's not going to stop. Again I know it's humor, but remember that your dogs would be happier having a big, mean, competent she-wolf leading their pack than an ape who doesn't seem to understand that they're not apes.
This is hilarious - you captured the dog's perspective wonderfully. I hope they've settled in now :)
I laughed until I was CRYING. Ohhhh pets.
I laughed so hard in the office I choked and about peed my pants. I could not breathe normally for five minutes.
PS. I have a lab who goes thru contortions similar to yours. But I could not do him justice in your style. That's just the funniest thing I've read all year. Thank you!
Two dogs, across the country (CA to PA), 2 days, a plane . . . then staying with strangers for a month while we tried to act like adults and put together a new life.
I TOTALLY understand what you went through -- except I didn't have to deal with the puke until AFTER our flight was grounded and we had to find a hotel room in NYC that took dogs in a couple of hours . ..
Ah, dogs and moving. My simple dog and my helper dog thank you for your understanding
Amazing! I couldn't stop laughing.
Hysterical! Makes me totally appreciate my dog who will go anywhwere with no issues, but you never know what might freak her out...someone carrying a backpack, a ball cap hanging on a hook, etc.
Oh My God! This my possibly be the funniest thing I have read!!! I laughed so hard I cried! I also choked (I have a cold, so that didn't help!)Loved every word!
My diaphragm hurts from laughing.
Oh, major, major ROFL! ;-)
It was interesting watching our 2 English Bulldogs take on responsibility for the new house :-
Day 1 : THEIR (old) hairy sofa!
Day 2 : Introspection stops, after all it's THEIR House now.
Day 3: And Garden. And neighbours' cats shall fear for their 9 lives.
Day 4: THEIR captive postman ;-)
Day 5: THEIR Street. And paperboy!
Day 6 : Their village green & ducks
Day 7 : THEIR whole village ;-)
Allie, this had me CRYING with laughter!!! So so funny...
Cried, I laughed so hard....this was the perfect pick me up to an otherwise horrible week. What made it even better, my two rescues have the exact same personalities...LOL
It's amazing how similar your moving experience was to mine. Thanks for the post...it made my day!
Excellent post, I posted your link on my blog. http://bdmovers.wordpress.com
Everyone I know posts your site to their Facebook page when ever you update. You are hilarious! Could you put a link on your site to make it easier for us to spread the word?
Loved it, as usual.
Of course, dogs do understand something about moving. They are totally paranoid that they are going to go off one day chasing a
SQUIRRL!
and come back to find the pack has, uh, packed up and moved! This possibility haunts them every day of their lives. Therefore, they are traumatized by suitcases and packing boxes in their dreams. Dogs are NOT wild animals, and their continued survival depends on their ability to pick up on "moving cues" so that they can stay close to the rest of their humans and not get "left behind."
AFTER the move, they have to make psychological adjustments to the new place, just like their humans! Not so surprising, but still - funny, funny stuff! The booties are hilarious.
This was great. Did you know 2 year olds act the same way? I thought my daughter was going to go postal when we boxed up the last of her toys the day we moved. Sad faces, lying around like her life was over, even high pitched noises except we had to remove her booties (socks) cuz she was sliding around on our wood floors like bambi on ice! :D
Heh, made me laugh. Good stuff :)
I'm thinking that maybe the helper dog was frightened into a cowering puddle of submission by the presence of ALOT of snow... :)
So very funny. I can't remember the last time I cried from laughing. Thanks.
Please write a book! It would end your broke-ness because we'd all buy it!!!
Oh, this was beyond funny!! I had to laugh (while whimpering in dread) because we're going to be driving our three rescued dogs in a motorhome we bought for the trip 2600 miles from East Tennessee to the new house we're building in Washington state. Over the Rockies. In early spring. Oh, joy.
The two little dogs used to share a car bed. Until our simple dog kept throwing up and the other one would leap out onto the car seat and screech, in a voice that can shatter crystal, for us to get rid of his annoying brother! (Loved the magical food making, lol)
Thank you so much for this! I'm going to bookmark the page in case I need something to help keep my sanity during our trek across America.
I haven't cried so hard since reading Marley and Me but I cried out of laughter this time. My whole office is laughing to tears in their cubes...all because we have all owned either a helper dog or a simple dog.
I've been reading my way through your blog and by and large it's all great, but this is the first post that actually made me come close to spurting liquid out of my nose and across my keyboard. Well done.
Allie,
You are my favorite blogger ever! I have to be sneaky and pretend I'm coughing instead of laughing like a crazy person because I read you at work.
I laughed for ten minutes, punctuated by my sister asking me, somewhat shortly, what on earth was so funny. I think I might be somewhat like your dog. The simple one. This would be a problem if I understood it as such. But I don't. So that's fine then.
I hurt myself laughing. I've experienced the cat version of this...dogs are way funnier.
This was a GREAT way to start my Friday morning off. I in fact have moved and went thru the same situation with my dog and I'll be moving again nxt week and when my dog acts this way, all I can do is sit back and think about this funny story. Thanks!!
I'm still laughing....oh, and welcome to Oregon!
Wyatt
This made me LOL. And I needed that today. :)
Just had this post forwarded to me by not one but two friends - and so glad to have found it. Hilarious. I'm looking forward to delving into the archive and reading more!
Just read this. And then I read the cake post. Conclusion: people are like dogs.
I just laughed so hard I peed a little! Thank you for sharing your dogs! (I should write something about ours inspired by your style... He can be hilarious in his own confused way)
This is one of the better things I have read. Thank you :)
This is truly awesome!!
I hope you don't mind but I linked to it in my humble, silly blog. It's the best thing since creamy peanut butter.
OMG I am sitting at my desk with tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! Bravo!
This is truly awesome!!
I hope you don't mind but I linked to it in my humble, silly blog. It's the best thing since creamy peanut butter.
This made me wheeze with laughter from the beginning (I couldn't outright laugh because then my cube-neighbors would know I wasn't working). By the end tears were rolling out of my eyes. Thank you so much for this!!!
You should become a writer. Seriously. Excellent blog.
You should become a writer. Seriously. Excellent blog.
This is so beautiful and charming and true that it made me laugh a lot and cry a little. Thank you.
The internet is full of hilarious things, but this post is special and left me quivering with hysteria and emailing all of my dog-person friends.
That was freaking great! Anyone who has had a not so smart dog, should totally be able to relate to this.
Ho-Lee-Crap this made me laugh hard this morning. I am sorry if you and your dogs felt uncomfortable, but the pictures and way you told the story - brilliant.
Thanks for sharing :)
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/11/19/five-star-fridays-127th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-angela.html
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.schmutzie.com/fivestarfriday/2010/11/19/five-star-fridays-127th-edition-is-brought-to-you-by-angela.html
Hysterical. I moved my old cat overseas for two years and then back to the US. It's was....an experience.
Hysterical. I moved my old cat overseas for two years and then back to the US. It's was....an experience.
and i thought giving my 14 yr old, 5 lb., passive-aggressive yorky was an ordeal....whew!!! i feel your pain and laughed my head off at the same time... thanks !!
Having lived with dogs my entire life, I so relate to this post. I had just had a huge fustrating last two days and this post left me crying in tears of laughter for the entire thing! Thank you for restoring my smile today!! I will be sure to tell everyone I know to come read!
currently I have a 14 yr old corgi who is blind, and half deaf, one 5 yr old deaf sheltie, and one 3 yr old normal, well almost normal sheltie. ;-) BTW great art too!
Makes me so grateful for my cat, who doesn't seem aware she was moved.
I had to read this post in sections, as I was prone to laughing fits so hard that I started coughing and temporarily lost bladder control.
Worth it.
you.make.my.days.
I laughed so hard I cried! Absolutely brilliant! <3
That is so funny! Your drawings are perfect. I laughed till I cried! Great stuff. :D
This was hilarious! I laughed the entire time.
This was hilarious! I laughed the entire time.
Aww this is so funny! I have a 6 month puppy - he's a nutter!!
I would buy a print of Lava Skeleton and hang it on my wall, even though I'm about to have a baby. After all, I need something around this house to terrify the kid... doesn't every parent?
Seriously, please sell prints of Lava Skeleton. I will really buy one, and I'll send links to all my friends.
I am wiping the tears off my eyes; tears of laughter! I am in my office and to avoid my loud laughing i had to implement the technique of "Laughing Inside". Unfortunately the story got funnier and funnier. Thus, tears came out. I body, mind and soul simply could not take the overwhelming power of humor and cuteness. your drawings didn't help the cause either as they were a vivid depiction of what i already imagined. I do have one question though. Isn't your story incomplete? What happened to Helper dog?
This is hilarious! Our dog doesn't seem to understand (or want to) that we do not want to be licked from the moment we get home from work to the moment we go to bed. If we don't spend every moment playing with him, he mopes at us.
I'm new to your blog. This post made me cry with laughter! Unbelievably hilarious. I don't think I can type out how hard I was laughing at my desk yesterday! I had to keep reminding myself that Accounting is not funny, but then there was no stopping it!
Wow, I never knew stories could be told like this...WOW...I'm inspired...Allie you should get some kind of NObel prize for this blog and this post as well because it addresses many pressing issues such as animal rights and boredom
When did Boyfriend become "my boyfriend Duncan"?
The power of Boyfriend is such that it smashes all unmanly noun phrases and turns regular pansy nouns into frightened but respectful and manly proper nouns.
Do not forget this.
Very funny ... what happen to the "helper dog" ?
Also, bookmark'd.
I am not sure which I love more your sketches or your words .. an unbeatable combo!
this is by far the funniest thing I have read on the internets. ever.
no, really. My GF has two golden retrievers who are very much like your dogs. one of them is "Speshul" and the other is just like your helper dog. We were reading this last night on separate ends of the couch rolling with laughter, tears streaming down our faces :) You Win
This is a classic... you had me at I made food! I am crying I have been laughing so hard. Mine becomes concerned when a chair moves 6 inches.. while moving house 3 years ago she sat on BOTH cats in their carriers, either to save them from the horrors of the death camp they were going to or to punish them for causing the disruption... not sure which.
OMG, we had to move our cats a few months ago, they were really unhappy too.
I love how much fluidity you put into your drawings.
Dying laughing. You just made my day.
I've moved 6 times in the past 4 years, but without dogs. I now see I had it easy. I loved every word and picture of this. Write and draw more, or I will mope like helper dog.
Where in the world do you find your brilliance?
Hilarious! Thank you!
oh my gosh!! I'm almost crying this was so freakin' funny!!!! the cartoons are so perfect there are no words !!! BRAVO!!!
I think I just peed... ty ty for the grins!
this was brilliant. I laughed so hard, and I needed it! Thank you so much. This was awesome!
great story telling - first time here - do you have any other pets?
Oh, I thought Montana was much nicer that Oregon.
great story telling - first time here - do you have any other pets?
Oh, I thought Montana was much nicer that Oregon.
I came over to read your Blog at
the suggestion of Alicia Paulson's
Blog......and........
OMG...Bwwwwhaaaaahaaahaahaaa!!! I
honestly do not mean to laugh at
your dear pups or what you went
through but, I LOVE how you describe
the event!! I honestly can relate.
Your drawings just got to me.
I NEEDED the laugh so badly today.
Best Wishes on your move.
JB
I loved it! Laughed out loud - literally. Thank you. My cat says hi.
As usual, you win the internet ;)
Hi hun!
I am a dog mom to 7, animal communicatior and a dog groomer as well. I know the EEEEEEEE sound very well. Just want to send you a few tips for next time.
for vomiting - ginger snap cookies
While in car - try to keep things in the back seat like they are at home. Full of toys, blankets and other things they like. this can help reduce stress
Seperation Anxiety - sounds like Simple suffers from seperation anxiety. the good news is they make a drug for that!
booties - I recomend the soft nail covers. Dogs sense the world threw their feet. cover them up and they freek out. Kind of like covering up our eyes.
History - Consider your dogs history. Where did he come from? The last time someone packed around him was he left? dropped off?
Talking- May sound stupid but I have suggested to several people when something major is going on like this to talk to their dogs. Say "Simple," we are going to be moving to a new house. I don't won't you to be afraid cause no one is going to leave you. You have your forever home with us. Many times it helps. But sometimes it doesn't
smell- I know you could not do it this time, because it was so far away, but if you move again. Try to get the sent of the new place on your clothes. rub a rag on the walls or floors and bring it home. Helps them a bit.
I've been there sister. complete with the vomit in the back seat. It's bad! You are a great dog mom! They are lucky to have you!!
Ilsa
Hi hun!
I am a dog mom to 7, animal communicatior and a dog groomer as well. I know the EEEEEEEE sound very well. Just want to send you a few tips for next time.
for vomiting - ginger snap cookies
While in car - try to keep things in the back seat like they are at home. Full of toys, blankets and other things they like. this can help reduce stress
Seperation Anxiety - sounds like Simple suffers from seperation anxiety. the good news is they make a drug for that!
booties - I recomend the soft nail covers. Dogs sense the world threw their feet. cover them up and they freek out. Kind of like covering up our eyes.
History - Consider your dogs history. Where did he come from? The last time someone packed around him was he left? dropped off?
Talking- May sound stupid but I have suggested to several people when something major is going on like this to talk to their dogs. Say "Simple," we are going to be moving to a new house. I don't won't you to be afraid cause no one is going to leave you. You have your forever home with us. Many times it helps. But sometimes it doesn't
smell- I know you could not do it this time, because it was so far away, but if you move again. Try to get the sent of the new place on your clothes. rub a rag on the walls or floors and bring it home. Helps them a bit.
I've been there sister. complete with the vomit in the back seat. It's bad! You are a great dog mom! They are lucky to have you!!
Ilsa
Oh my god. When did I last laugh till I cried? Don't know. This is fabulous. I have loved a simple dog, and this is so perfect!
awesome telling and pics! <3 captures the precise reasons i find dogs intolerable. had they been with me they would probably be dead somewhere in idaho
Simple dog has to be a greyhound. Ours is very similar, except he is Neurotic dog, not Simple. He, too, doesn't know how to get out from under a blanket, and he, too, makes the high pitched 'eeee' sound at the drop of a pin. And the few times he's been in an elevator or on a boat, he stands against our legs and trembles, as if he's forgotten how to stand without support. It shouldn't be funny, but it is. We love your blog and we check for new stuff all the time. Please keep writing!
I was nearly bawling with laughter at work. I think I may have concerned some of my co-workers. Thank you for posting this! It made my day!!
I laughed so much, and looked like a complete idiot well at the library
I'll have you know, your blog was almost responsible for sabotaging my NaNoWriMo attempt. I discovered it early in the month, immediately got sucked in, and my ability to write without getting distracted went down to pretty much zero.
But then I finished reading your archives, and I got caught up with my writing and all was well with the world after all. And this post alone filled me with enough enthusiasm and inspiration and all-around good mood that I actually not only met my word goal yesterday, but I really, really like what I wrote too. ^.^
You are both hilarious and awesome. <3
- Emily
Awesome post, I came back to read it a second time and sent it on to all my friends. I LOVE the doggy illustrations, you have a talent for capturing "doggy emotions".
My dog, who was also a german-shepherd mix, used to get all depressed and anxious when we'd pack too, but the minute she knew she was coming it was a 180 degree flip!!
:) Thanks for sharing :)
I finally stopped laughing long enough to write this. We can totally relate! We moved from Georgia to Michigan with 4 German Shepherd Dogs and one aged cat.
That was super funny! I loved it.
If you were feeling at all insecure about your blog, this post proves you've still totally got it.
Laughed til I cried and then called about 6 people to make them read it too. You are a genius.
I have to say this made my morning in Seattle! We have 2 rescue dogs and sometimes just put them in the car and don't take them out while we run errands. (Yeah, someone stays with them.)
The pics and text were wonderful on your blog. Likewise, I've wondered what they are thinking? Do they think they are at a movie theater where things pass by? Because, when we open the door, they are right back where they started. Good doggies! Dogs make me laugh. http://poodlemixer.blogspot.com
We have the same problem with the hardwood floors (and most of the rest of this story too, actually). We got a bunch of rugs/speedbumps... and now our Simple Dog jumps from one to the other, 100% sure that the WOOD FLOOR IS LAVA.
You should make that into a story for kids who have to move. I think it would be helpful to parents that don't really understand what they go through. Just a thought.
I love your blog so much, that one of the highlights of setting up my own yesterday and today was that I now have the ability to link to yours and share you silliness with others. Is that sad?haha
This was brilliant in a mean girl sort of way! Thank you, thank you! I hope the helper-dog either got some prozac or found a religion. Simple-dog seemed to be alright.
One of my favorite verses from the Bible, ever, is "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."
Picturesque.
I just about died laughing when I read this and instantly had to share it with the rest of my family. Helper dog's reaction to her booties is EXACTLY how our Airedale reacts to his, though he's gotten past the 'flopping around like a dead fish' phase (took him about a year though) and is now in the 'lie on the floor and shoot us increasingly sad faces' phase.
HOLY S#%T. 1576 comments????????? Well, my guess is you will not read this. If you do, I have great dog stories too... and it might be fun to draw them out. You should have a ridiculous dog story drawing contest.
HILARIOUS! And welcome to Oregon!
This is fantastic! So true, and so funny. The pictures and the captions are as hilarious as the story itself. Keep up the great work!
OMG... you have my two dogs!
that first drawing was amazing. seriously, when i first got to this page, i just stared at it for 5 min. with "this is amazing" going through my head.
also, the smart dog flopping over to his bowl made me laugh out loud.
Oh my gosh. I've never read this blog before and I was literally falling off of my seat laughing halfway through the post. You have some serious Paint skills.
A new post! I've waited forever!
I don't have a dog, but I have a cat named Tangerine. She's a hoarder. She takes things like lipgloss, pens, candy, cellphones, markers... and hides them under the living room furniture. She also hides bottle caps in my shoes.
This should have a warning...do not read at work!! I'm in tears and had to frequently stop reading so I wouldn't snort with laughter!
The illustrations are awesome! The story is just hysterical! But how did helper dog make out?
And...y on the top of this comment box does it say "I'm super crepy and totally capable of finding you"?
This reminds me of when my dog Chelsea had car sickness years ago whenever we went for a long car ride. I had car sickness when traveling over an hour by car. I have no idea why I got sick though as I didn't use to.
Anyway, we both had to take pills and we were never car sick again (my stomach is upset by sudden lurches or large amounts of speed bumps though). Not like Chelsea can be since she died this August...DAMN YOU MONTH OF DEEEEEEEEATH. STOP STEALING MY PETS' SOOOOOOULS!!!
*Slaps self*
Back on topic, animals are just that way. They hate change (like me, I get upset by change, then again I get upset by my Art teacher letting my friend Martin cut out anything with round edges as it ends up looking like it doesn't have any, it does however have many pointed corners instead) as they are used to the way things were before. It means they have to mark a whole new territory, and who the hell wants to do that? It involves more effort than should have to be given, in my opinion, though my cats would agree.
One other thing I feel is connected to this is the fact that riding in strange cars can make me feel sick. A car my dad had to borrow once made me feel sick for no reason. Maybe my stomach wants to expel the acid and food so it can burn a hole in the car so I can escape... Maybe that is what your dog's stomach was trying to do.
Which strangely reminds me of a time a week or so ago where it felt like there was a clot in my arm limiting blood flow to my left pinky and elbow.
...I've gone completely off topic. That is the fault of my memory though as I remember the weirdest things unexpectedly. Which is why I now remember that I thought I was going to die once from a wasp sting. I thought it was a deadly poison that would kill me as I read it was poisonous and deadly in a book. I probably should have finished reading the sentence...
Ah well. X3 (Yay, sideways smiling cat face. Now fear it. FEAR IT. FEAR IT OR ELSE. *Shot*)
Did I mention I can't stop typing once I start yet? Or the fact that I like joking around? Because I do almost constantly. And sorry for rambling. x.x
NOW STARE AT MY CUTE POKEMON AVATAR AS CHARMANDER AND PIKACHU ARE AWESOME. *Shot repeatedly*
This is hilarious Finally, someone that understands what I go through!! I swear your talking about my two dogs!!
Kristin
I am sitting here in my cube crying this is so damn funny. I mean, I feel for your dogs and you having to deal with the annoying sounds, but as far as pure entertainment value this is amazing. Thank you, I needed this. :)
Moving can really be a pain in the neck. I am glad everything went well for you and your pups. Did you wind up using a moving company, or did you drive everything over yourself? We just got a dog from upstate and he has had a rocky time settling in. By the way, I love your pictures to describe the trip. They are very charming.
Thank you so much!!!!!!! I am so crying with laughter!!! :)) I needed that so bad I'm going to send all my friends over here for a cheer up :))
Fantastic post! I laughed until I cried. You have a wonderful talent for story telling and illustration. Additionally, the minute I saw the first illustration of simple dog I knew she looked familiar. My girlfriend has a dog, Rebel, that looks exactly like her.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=284420298112&set=a.284418068112.145629.116414723112
By paragraph three: I was laughing so loud my husband had to shut his den door. By the end of the post, I thought I was going to faint (literally) from lack of air! I could NOT stop laughing!
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