Dogs Don't Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.  


I know this because my boyfriend Duncan and I moved from Montana to Oregon last month.  But as harrowing as the move was for us, it was nothing compared to the confusion and insecurity our two dogs had to endure.  

Our first dog is - to put it delicately - simple-minded.  Our other dog is a neurotic German shepherd mix with agonizingly low self-esteem who has taken on the role of "helper dog" for our simple dog.  Neither dog is well-equipped with coping mechanisms of any kind.  

When we started packing, the helper dog knew immediately that something was going on.  I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty.  She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.     


When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed.  Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos.  The simple dog remained unfazed. 


Unfortunately for the helper dog, it took us nearly a week to get everything packed up.  By the time we were ready to begin the first part of our two-day journey to Oregon, she seemed almost entirely convinced that she was going to die at any moment.  She spent the entire car ride drooling and shaking uncontrollably.  


But the simple dog seemed to enjoy the trip. 


Even though she threw up seven times. 


She actually seemed to like throwing up.  To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food.  I was less excited about the discovery because it turned my dog into a horrible, vomit-making perpetual motion machine.  Whenever I heard her retch in the backseat, I had to pull over as quickly as possible to prevent her from reloading her stomach and starting the whole cycle over again.  

But as far as the simple dog was concerned, it was the best, most exciting day of her life.  


It wasn't until we stopped for the night in Umatilla that the simple dog became aware that there was any reason for her to feel anxious.  But at around two o'clock in the morning, the simple dog finally realized that something was different and maybe she should be alarmed.


This particular dog is not anywhere near the gifted spectrum when it comes to solving problems.  In fact, she has only one discernible method of problem solving and it isn't even really a method. 


But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, the simple dog did not understand this concept and she went right ahead and made an interminable amount of noise that was just invasive enough to make sleeping impossible. 

After an hour of failed attempts at comforting the simple dog, her constant, high-pitched emergency-distress-signal became a huge problem.  

I tried to communicate my displeasure to the simple dog, but communicating with the simple dog usually goes like this:


She was going to make that sound forever if she felt it was necessary.  We tried everything from spooning her to locking her in the bathroom, but none of it was even the slightest bit effective.  



The simple dog made the noise all through the night and was still going strong the next morning. When we were loading the dogs into the car, the constant, high-pitched sound emanating from the simple dog finally broke the helper dog.  The helper dog wailed in anguish, which alarmed the simple dog.  In her surprise, the simple dog let out a yelp, which further upset the helper dog.  And so it continued in a wretched positive-feedback loop of completely unnecessary noise.


When we finally arrived at our new house, the dogs had calmed down considerably.  Unfortunately, it had snowed the night before and there was still snow on our front lawn, and that was enough to catapult both dogs back into hysteria.  

The simple dog had either never experienced snow or she'd forgotten that she knew what it was, because when we let her out of the car, she walked around normally for about seven seconds, then she noticed the snow and her feeble little mind short-circuited.


At first, the simple dog was excited about the snow.  She started prancing around the yard like she was the star of a one-dog parade - her recent personal crisis overshadowed by a haze of enthusiasm. 


The prancing turned to leaping and the leaping turned to running chaotically in stupid little circles. Then she just stopped and stared at the ground.  There was a visible shift in her demeanor as she realized that she didn't understand snow and it was everywhere and she should probably be scared of it. She started making the noise again. 


Not surprisingly, the helper dog interpreted the snow as a sign of her imminent demise.  But she was so exhausted from worrying about all of the other signs of her demise that she just gave up and accepted her death.  She peered up at us, half-buried in the snow.  Her eyes were filled with pain and helplessness, as if she thought we had summoned the snow for the sole purpose of making her sad.


We decided that it would probably be best to bring the dogs inside.  

As a condition for allowing us to have dogs in our rental house, our landlady made us promise that we wouldn't let the dogs scratch the wood floors.  We didn't anticipate it being a problem because it hadn't been in the past, but as soon as our dogs set foot in the house, they morphed into perfectly engineered floor-destroying machines.  They started sprinting as fast as they could for absolutely no reason - skittering around in circles to avoid running into the walls.  


We finally corralled them in the bedroom and shut the door to give ourselves a little time to regroup and come up with a plan.  Until we could get some rugs or convince the dogs that it was unnecessary to sprint around chaotically for no reason, we would need to find some way to prevent them from scratching the floors.  What we ended up doing was going to the pet store and buying two sets of sled dog booties. It was the only way.

It is easy to imagine that a dog who has recently experienced a dramatic upheaval of its formerly safe and predictable life might not react well to suddenly having strange objects attached to all four of its feet.  This was most definitely the case with the booties.

The helper dog panicked and started trying to rip the booties off with her teeth. 


I scolded her and she reacted as if I'd ruined her entire life. 


But at least her immobilizing self-pity kept her from chewing the booties off.

The simple dog just stood there and looked at me in a way that would suggest she didn't realize her legs still worked.


They had to wear the booties for two days.  Those two days were filled with the most concentrated display of overemotional suffering I have ever witnessed.  The simple dog spent most of her time standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered and hurt and the helper dog refused to walk, instead opting to flop her way around the house like a dying fish.  


The entire ordeal was punctuated by the simple dog's high-pitched confusion alarm. 

We were beginning to think that our dogs were permanently broken. Nothing we did helped at all to convince the dogs that we had only changed houses and our new house was not, in fact, some sort of death-camp and we weren't actually planning on killing them to fulfill an organ harvest ritual.  Despite our best efforts, they continued to drift around in a sea of confusion and terror, pausing only to look pitiful. 

But while we were unpacking, we found a squeaky toy that was given to us as a gift shortly before we moved.  We offered the toy to the dogs.  This may have been a mistake. 

Upon discovering that the toy squeaked when it was compressed forcefully, the simple dog immediately forgot that she'd ever experienced doubt or anxiety ever in her life.  She pounced on the toy with way more force than necessary, over and over and over.  The logic behind her sudden change in outlook was unclear.   


But at least she was happy again. 

2,463 comments:

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Timbo said...

Your finest work yet.

I nearly cried.

It made me love my dog so much for being "special needs" (he's a smart Malamute-man).

Put one of these on a tshirt PLEASE!

Tim
Australia

Project Hallway said...

My sister shared the link to this post on Facebook, and this is the funniest, greatest thing I have read in a long time!

I can't wait to read more of your blog!

Cassidy said...

Love it! Dogs are so funny!! Welcome to Oregon!

Era said...

Yay Allie! I'm so glad you're back! Congrats on the move... I'm sure most people are in agreement with me when I say that your posts about your pets and childhood are your most brilliant works. XD

Unknown said...

Omg that was amazing! I haven't laughed that hard in a while! I hope helper dog is doing okay now!

Naomi said...

We. have. moved. with. FOUR. dogs.

That's what she said...

You have no idea how much this made me laugh.
Seriously, I just had to change my pants because I'd laughed so hard I'd peed myself.

PLEASE post again soon.
<3

Anonymous said...

I totally relate to your dogs. I moved three weeks ago, and felt about it pretty much like they did about your move. Anyway, thanks for the much needed laughs this morning :)

Woo said...

omg, I never thought there would come a day where I could laugh over the anxiety that overtook my dog during/subsequent to our move...and yet today finally came. Thank you. Hilarious. Only, I'm trying to figure out how you got a hold of my dogs.

Unknown said...

Absolutely hysterical - I damn near peed on my chair at work.

Quick question:
How is it that coming from Montana your dogs are/were unfamiliar with snow?

Welcome to Oregon! (aka Moldy Corners)

Bekah said...

You, unlike anyone else I know, can make me laugh until I cry! Thank you so much for these posts - especially the ones about the dogs!

Folklore said...

Hahaha, your dogs are ridiculous. "So a fool to his folly..."
Glad your back.

kinnery said...

freaking priceless. thank you so much for sharing.

hope helper dog feels better soon!

Allie said...

Oh man. I laughed my butt off. Too good! - another Allie

finette said...

You were linked on BoingBoing! http://www.boingboing.net/2010/11/17/hilarious-story-of-d.html

Sarah said...

Man, I finally finished reading ALL of your blog, and when I got to this post there were already 1200 comments! I was going to meekly suggest that we have very similar personalities and that we should be bffs, but now you are famous! Still, I am glad you are famous, because you are awesome. 1200 comments is such a huge leap from the 1 comment per post that you had when you started. :D

Olivia Thomas said...

I have a simple cat, and as of now his brother will be known as the helper cat. That's the funniest thing I've read all week, thank you so much

Anonymous said...

We have a simple cat, and his brother will now always be known as the helper cat. Thank you, that's the funniest thing I've seen all week

Patricia N said...

Now I know! One of my dogs is simple! That sounds so much better than stupid...
Thanks for this

Anonymous said...

Oh. Dear. God. This is the second time I've been directed to your site, and this is the second time I've laughed myself sick! Keep up the good work!

Unknown said...

I'm wiping away the tears-of-laughter that I've had throughout reading this wonderful adventure. Brilliant! I'm sending the link on to lots of my friends and family.
- Annie

Unknown said...

OMG thanks so much for this. My whole office loves you.

Ellaaaa said...

Wow! nice one allie... :) made me laugh! glad your back!!! :) keep posting.

Scarlytte said...

I laughed so hard, thanks for yet another amazingly funny post that made a bad day sooo much better! <3

Also, I thought you'd like to know you ended up on Fark.

http://www.fark.com/cgi/comments.pl?IDLink=5767902

Mom and Dem said...

Maybe your dogs are idiot savants? Can the helper one tell you the day of the week for any date you say or bark the alphabet backward after drinking? Then you could dress him up and send him to Vegas (or wherever is close to Oregon that allows gambling...) and let him count cards, therefore making you millions.

Great post!

The Architect said...

I may have ruptured something from laughing at this...

Thank you. :D

Dinjin201 said...

Hahahahahha :) You had me rolling on the floor in absolute hysterics :)

Also, just an FYI, i pulled up your Sneaky Hate spiral post for my peers in psychology to enjoy :D

Thank you for being so hilariously awesome.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard i cried. Your drawings along with your story were epic and hilarious. Please don't ever stop :D

RoseRedHoofbeats said...

You are awesome and this post is awesome and your blog is awesome and you should feel awesome.

Julia said...

Freaking hilarious. I love your dog stories. I just realized I need to give thanks that my dog isn't of the simple or helper variety. I've moved four times with her and I believe her only thoughts have been MOMMY WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BOXES followed by OH YAYY I'M GOING BYE BYE IN THE CAR C'MON BOXES LET'S GOOOO!

Jackie M said...

I loved this from first glance at the lava-swim-fin picture. While I'm sincerely apologetic for you and your dogs' discomfort, I also laughed harder than I can ever remember laughing.

Mary-Blake said...

OMG i CANNOT stop laughing. i have digressed into snorting and choking at each illustration.

truly genius. we just moved with our 9 lb dachshund and he has been ridiculous- biting the painter and peeing almost ON my husbands feet.

keep up the good work

ninjapoodles said...

I didn't read through to see if anyone had already suggested it, but since we own more than a half-dozen ninja poodles from small to large, and have hardwood floors, we have used "SoftPaws" with some success. They're like tiny little rubber claw-condoms that glue onto each nail. Sounds crazy, but works, and isn't noticeable to the dog.

Of course, eventually, we just stopped caring if our floors were scratched, and our lives got much simpler. But we own our home, so it's ours to ruin, and we are doing a BANG-UP JOB.

Bobina said...

What motel in Umatilla did you stay at?

April M. said...

I laughed throughout the entire post. I'm so glad you have a blog.

Anonymous said...

I read this twice and both times I laughed so much that my own dogs got very concerned about my well-being. I've always thought mine were the biggest troublemakers and whiners ever, but compared to yours, they seem almost well-adjusted!
Your doggie drawings are very expressive!

Cole_K said...

you have made my week/month and also made my mother question my sanity for laughing randomly :D

jonesxander said...

haha...awesomeness.

I'm a bit of a grouchy person and this made me laugh out loud in my office.

so..yeah good job. you reached even my cynical bastard heart.

Anonymous said...

this was hilarious, the drawings totally added a higher level of humor to it.

Anonymous said...

OMG. I this made my day. Thanks for the laugh.

Regina said...

This was absolutely amazing and completely true to my moving experience with two siberian huskies!

calikas said...

haha my dog also acted similar to this when we moved to a different state. so funny!

Dysphoria said...

I finished all of my work today, but I couldn't leave so what to do? I followed a link from a friend of mine on facebook to this blog. Problem solved! Just spent 4 of the happiest hours of my work career reading your blog and laughing until tears were running down the sides of my face! Thank you, thank you! And welcome to Oregon!

Emily said...

Thanks for posting this. I am such a dog person and I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

Stephanie said...

I have not laughed this hard in a while. Poor helper dog! lol

prudencebrown said...

such an excellent piece of work, I just discovered you ~ can't wait to come back! your drawings are fantastic!!

Anonymous said...

OMG, this had me bawling with laughter. I've recently had to travel with my dog a lot and discovered she has both the "magical food creation" habit along with the soul-crushing depression, so this really struck a chord. Thank you for turning the traumatic experience of dog relocation into something we can all laugh about! :D

Cael said...

Welcome to Bend!

I really wonder how, after living in Montana, your dogs were SO SURPRISED by our snow. Is it that different? Or did you guys just manage to live in a magical part of Montana where it wasn't a constant snowy mess during the winter?

Poor helper dog, I hope she gets to feeling better soon!

Dog boarding said...

Loved this. You captured the emotional roller coaster of moving with dogs with flair. A wonderful read.

Unknown said...

This is brilliant!! Made me laugh like an insane woman. :P

Jenn said...

After 1252 comments, do you still like knowing that ONE MORE PERSON thought this was awesome? I'm in the middle of paper-marking hell. My halfway reward was reading this. I laughed hard. Probably harder having moved my cat by car three years ago. FYI, they yowl the whole way and then somehow fit themselves INSIDE the couch when you arrive.

Beth said...

Oh - My - God!
Laugh, I thought I'd die.
Well, maybe not that extreme, but possible need for Depends.

Excellent!

InvidiaBlue said...

Excellent as always. ^.^


Also...

Yah sahd Spaghatta Nadle wahld fahnd lahve! Mahr Spaghatta Nadle! Ah wanna sah hahm fahnd lahve cahz Ahm a rahmahntahc and Ah gah nahts fahr a gahd lahve stahry!

Anonymous said...

Loved it! Welcome to Oregon!

Unknown said...

omg I was crying with laughter for the majority of this post. this is my first visit to your blog. we recently moved and experienced the confused looks, exhausted and pathetic flopping on the ground, and eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! thank you.

Anonymous said...

We're moving to Cali from Michigan soon, and will have to send our two dogs via airplane. Can only imagine the pathos.....

AmyRaz

Unknown said...

This is utter brilliance. I moved from Houston to Pittsburgh two weeks ago with three cats so the timing is perfect ;p

Daisy's Mom said...

Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for adding a laugh (actually several) to my day! :)

Anonymous said...

This was great! Must've taken a lot of time and doggie love. We are moving soon with our two dogs! Gulp!

Laurel Alanna McBrine said...

Oh, my goodness, you talented! So, so funny. Thanks for the gut splitting laugh!

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely hilarious. After reading the other comments, I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who ended up laughing so hard that I ended up in tears, especially since I'm at work right now (so I'm trying to laugh quietly ... which ended up in also tearing quietly) and if my officemates were in they'd probably think I was having a mental breakdown.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post. Made me laugh until my eyes watered.

You honestly have my sympathies.

Linda said...

Haha so funny! Love the dog images, you can really see how much they "suffered" =p Hope they settled in now though.

Anonymous said...

I actually ROFLed for real. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. Thank you so much.

Anonymous said...

my dog has pretty much the same paralyzing reaction to booties. at least she doesn't mind snow, and she loves riding in the car!
thanks for the lolz!

Anonymous said...

Omilord, this has only been up for an hour-ish, and it's already got OVER 1200 COMMENTS??!??!??

Clearly, I is doing this blog thing all wrong. Especially since no-one has yet delivered giant buckets of money to my house.

Oh, also. Laughing SO hard. I <3 helper dog.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and lookie. Now that I've posted that, I can see that this has been up for three hours. Ish.

Still. 100000 comments are amazing.

absepa said...

AWESOME. I have three Cocker Spaniels, and they have all exhibited the characteristics you describe here on at least one occasion. When we adopted Dog #3, Dog #1 growled, non-stop, for a whole night. He also got so anxious he pooped in the kitchen for a week because I broke my ankle and was on crutches.

Anonymous said...

You are a genius and you leave me speechless. The thought bubbles, the helicopter, I'm dying.

Anonymous said...

This is an adorable story! I love puppies!

Next time, go to the vet. They have drugs for this sort of thing... poor little dudes.

Anonymous said...

YEAH!!! Did you take their shoes off?? I say leave them on!! and let them get used to them, that way they can spend time in the snow and not get cold feet!

happynoodlegirl said...

Made my day!!!

fuzz on the concept said...

This is the first time I've been to this site ... and I see there is an "Awesome" button to the side -- but I can't bring myself to click on it ... I have already experienced too much awesome reading this story.

miranda said...

I love your blog, Allie! :D Congratulations on the move!

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

I have a cat who is about as simple-minded as your simple-minded dog. These simple-minded pets make the best kind of companions, no?

Greg said...

is the helper dog okay yet?! slightly worried, can't wait for an update :)

Jenn L. said...

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh dear god. I was laughing so hard my fiance came in from the bedroom to check on me because he thought I was choking to death. Wheezing, crying, can't breathe, full body laughter.

Thank you. Thank you so much. :)

MLE said...

Any other person: "Yeah, my dogs were a nightmare during the move."

You: "-stream of hilarious observations-"

Everyone else: "AHAHAHAHA THIS IS JUST BARELY AN INHERENTLY FUNNY SITUATION BUT I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING."

eMCee said...

Best laugh I've had all week! Gotta love it when the tears start to flow mid laugh!

Anonymous said...

I really need to stop reading these at two am. I'm having to try very hard to surpress laughter.

Thera said...

I really liked your other dog one where you discover your dog is retarded. This one was even better and has convinced me that I have both of your dogs. Only, in my case both are combined into one dog. A neurotic (owoowoowoowoowooooooooooo), shaking, whining (eeeeeeeeeeee), house destroyer, if I am not home precisely when he expects me.

He knows his name, but he can't sit or do anything else useful but snuggle. And then only on his terms.

Anyway, I laughed out loud literally. :)

Anonymous said...

You tell a hilarious tale and your dogs are just like mine!

Anonymous said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Oh my God, I couldn't stop laughing! XD

LOVE IT!

Anonymous said...

My dog does the same thing as your helper-dog! When he gets in trouble and we chain him up, he just lays there, staring at you with heartbreaking sorrow in his eyes.

H. Bruce Miller said...

Hilarious -- what a talent!

I had a simple dog once who ate an entire two-pound loaf of bread and spent the next 18 hours emitting belches that smelled like a brewery. Simple dogs are the most fun.

skorzy said...

This is so amazingly awesome, words defy me. I've known dogs like this, but have never seen their personality put to words and image so well.

Antarian said...

How dare you go off and have a life while I sit here, constantly pressing refresh waiting for a post!!!!!

Love this one, by the way, even though I was so desperate for a post you could have written about Avril Lavigne and I would stil cry tears of relief and gratitude

Julie Ann said...

One word: Acepromazine. Remember it for next time.

Anonymous said...

I've been sending this post to people to explain why I don't want to move. I'm so glad they finally get it!

scissor pirate said...

Oh my god. Simple dog is my dog. The hound-ness, the whining, the everything. See?
http://www.flickr.com/photos/scissorpirate/2202335771/

I thought I'd never meet anyone who could perfectly describe the simpering eeee of her whine, but you did it. Wow!

Anonymous said...

I completely totally and entirely empathize ! (not with you ... with your dogs)

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh and cry so hard.
We're sadly having to put our 14 year old dog down today, and this, strangely, is exactly what I needed! Ah.... dogs. :)

Sarita said...

laughed out loud, obnoxiously loud, all the way through

Anonymous said...

POOPSEX

Jennifer said...

Can you please turn the simple dog "I made food! I'm magical!" series into a t-shirt. I need to walk around with it on my person at all times.

Your blog keeps me entertained and crying hysterically like no other blog can!

Katsumi.Etsu said...

That has to be the funniest thing I have ever read. And...bonus...it describes my dogs to a tee, as well! Simple dog and Neurotic Pitiful dog. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed it today!

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure your dogs are clones of my dogs, because this is my life.

Anonymous said...

I haven't finished reading anything this long in years, and I am so happy I did - still wiping away the tears of laughter!

Faith said...

Love it...well, not the trauma you or your dogs experienced on this recent move, but love your words and your wonderful illustrations. You must publish this or at least start making some greeting cards.
On a serious note, and as a trainer I began immediately to think of ways to 'comfort' your dogs with this sudden shift that was oh so traumatizing for them (and you). Work-to-eat puzzles, calming caps, thundershirts, DAP (pheromone that appears to have a calming affect on dogs), loads of exercise prior to leaving so that the dogs are exhausted, and even doggy prozac (and/or car sickness pills). Adding a crate (if the dog is crate trained) for those stops in strange hotels, or even just having familiar doggy bedding/toys, etc to comfort and add something that is part of the same ole routine they previously knew. Of course, this is also a good lesson for new dog people to socialize and do all that they can to condition their dogs to many news things as positively as possible. I bet you knew all this but this might help others who might be planning a similar trip, and might just be a little panicked after reading your wonderful words!
Sorry to get all serious, just the dog trainer coming out in me, but please keep the posts comin!

Mirth said...

That was totally worth the wait!

overachiever said...

gotta love dogs! i have a drama queen beagle who gives me the stink eye when she suspects i'm up to no good (like giving her a bath). i love your drawings of the dogs in this one. spot on :)

http://reluctantoverachiever.blogspot.com/

Stephanie said...

I'm so glad you posted this! I've been unnaturally concerned about your move. Here's a summary of my anxiety: Why were you apartment hunting? You hadn't and Duncan hadn't broken up had you? Oh no, I hope everything is ok. What about your dogs? Will you be able to take them with you when you move? If you and Duncan had broken up, would you each get a dog? Would you have doggie visitation rights if not? Why have you not explained this to us??!

Good to hear everything is peachy and you enjoy your new location. On a side note, you can get these little rubber covers for your dogs' toenails to keep them from scratching the floor. They just superglue on. I think they are called softpaws or softclaws, you can google it and order them but I've bought them at Petsmart so our dog wouldn't scratch my baby niece when we went to visit. They even come in colors so it looks like they've had doggie pedicures!

Anonymous said...

That was freaking amazing.

Beverly B said...

This may be the best thing I have ever read. Ever.

My dog is about to experience snow for the first time in her 12 years, too. She seems an awful lot like helper dog...

araluen7 said...

i love this story so much. you have such a way with details and the pictures really help give a visual aid. i literally choked while biting my fingernails from anticipation wondering whether or not this will top it as the best post ever. you have truely outdone yourself allie. congrats. you deserve some icecream cake.

Chuck O'Halloran said...

You are BRILLIANT! That made me laugh so hard I cried.

Anonymous said...

Just as I suspected. Human thought is a supernatural phenomenon originating from the mind of God.

Anonymous said...

That's what happens when you go to the dogs home and choose a pair of the most pathetic mongrels . I cannot see why people find this so funny , it is sad . Taking pity on animals like these is not good enough . These people don't even own the new house and they take these two awful dogs into it , at risk of serious damage .

Anonymous said...

I'm still laughing!!

Nay said...

OMG, my sides hurt from laughing. My two boys loved it too.

TheBig Red 67 said...

HEHEHE!

Find me I am great with dogs.

I keep thinking that you should take them for a walk.

Caitlin said...

So I was bored in calculus this morning, and I decided to check here... and lo! a new blog post!!

I have never had to try so hard not to laugh. I probably gave myself a hernia.

Marta said...

Our cute airhead dog (aka "Barbie") threw up when we rearranged the living room furniture.

Dying while reading this!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me laugh out loud alone on the bus, not once or twice, but so much so that people began moving away from me.

Anyone who has dogs will love this post! I hope the helper dog gets happier soon :)

Anonymous said...

I am crying right now. I don't even find pet jokes funny but oh my god this is the most hilarious thing I have read in weeks.

chrisK said...

OMG! That story was awesome .. I was laughing till I cried, to which my somewhat simple dog came in to check on me. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I went through something similar with my cat when I moved... across town. instead of a high pitched whining sound, it was the high pitched angry growl cats make when they are angry. Also, my boyfriend has been looking at me strangely, as I've been laughing hysterically for the last 10 minutes. You're so brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I love this story.

well done :D

I am experiencing laughtears!

a

Mika said...

Oh my goodness...I had to take breaks whilst reading this, I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. You are going to make my husband believe I am crazy (well, more than he already does), with how much you make me laugh every time I read one of these. You are awesome! <3

Morgan said...

I honest to goodness cried from laughing while reading this post. Because the computer is on the living room of my house I'm pretty sure my family is convinced I'm emotionly unstable. Again.

Anonymous said...

I'm crying from laughing so hard, and I think I may have peed my pants. The story is great, but it wouldn't be the same without the illustrations. You captured their emotional states EVER so well! LOL

Harold Fowler said...

Wow that just looks like a lot of fun dude.

www.privacy-tools.edu.tc

Beth said...

I laughed til I had to pee. I grew up with dogs and my mother's act just like this! Only because she has three of them. When we moved across town we had the same problems. Our new house didn't have a fence and the poor cocker spaniel just about died without boundaries. She didn't get better until we put in a fence!

Beth said...

I laughed til I had to pee. I grew up with dogs and my mother's act just like this! Only because she has three of them. When we moved across town we had the same problems. Our new house didn't have a fence and the poor cocker spaniel just about died without boundaries. She didn't get better until we put in a fence!

WillowWalker said...

Thank you for such a superbly written "tail" of your adventure, er trial of moving. I laughed till I cried!

elfinity said...

This is, most likely, the most brilliant vent-y piece of writing/illustration I have read in years. I've laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down my face. Sure, this was a traumatic experience for you and your dogs, but what a great story! Thank you so much for sharing it with everyone in such a glorious, brilliant way.
PS. My cat reacts the same way to the harness as your helper dog does to the booties. I never knew dogs would flop around to transport themselves. Amazing!

comelygrace said...

SO LONG BUT SO FUNNY.

ALSO, BOYFRIEND HAS A NAME?!?

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORKS.

Tommo Pea said...

Fuckin' hell, I almost did a laughter-poo! Comedic genius you are.

Anonymous said...

Your comics are the ONLY thing on the internet that literally makes me laugh out loud until tears come to my eyes XD Thank you after a very stressful day. I hope the doggies are settled in now. :)

Anonymous said...

YOU are awesome. This... which I read because of what you did for the rejected girl on reddit... thank you. You make humanity brighter. :)

Misty said...

I did not think you could top "Cake" but this has me sitting at my computer in tears, tears!, of laughter! I have three dogs and have had others that are in doggy heaven, so I know dogs and can totally, totally understand yours. I had one dog who makes your less than Einstein dog seem, well, like Einstein. He was misnomered Kepler after the astronomer. He would actually go into "screen saver" mode. He would for no apparent reason just stop and stare. After a minute or so, he'd go on like nothing happened. Thanks for the great column and the good laugh. Think I'll go play with my dogs now.

Rebecca said...

OMG...someone I am apparently friends with on Facebook posted a link to this particular post, and I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face and my abs hurt. I then proceeded to chuck my plans to go to bed early out the window in favor of reading more of your posts. Your sense of humor about little things in life is absolutely priceless. There isn't enough truly funny humor in the world...I'm glad you're adding to it.

Jessi's Photography said...

I need a personal "high-pitched confusion alarm"!!! Seriously!! <3 I love it! Thanks for making my day better!!

Haddayr said...

damnit now I need my abutirol

are you trying to KILL me

Fiona said...

Brilliant. Thank you.

Patricia Hval said...

Made me laugh in a way I have not laughed in YEARS!!! This is a good thing - not a weird thing. Thanks!!!

Anonymous said...

My dog is a fusion of your two dogs. You captured dog brain states of being like a pro. Especially the magical barf. You rule the universe.

Unknown said...

I really like the retarded dog...so funny. I have a stooopid Chihuahua..so I can empathize!

Nicholas said...

It was a mistake to read this at work. I saw there trying to choke down laughter so as not to cackle in a loud and disturbing fashion, and thus sat there making a series of unnatural noises that probably sounded even worse.

Now I can feel the horrible gaze of my suspicious workmates burning into the back of my skull. I blame you, Allie. But I could never be mad at you.

P.S. Your simple dog reminds me so much of my old, large simple dog that it makes me nostalgic. Simple dogs are endearing, though the difficulties of keeping them are magnified greatly when they are the size of a small horse.

Jenn said...

You have killed me. Never mind I Can Has Sweet Potato, pass right by Dogs in Elk.

OH MY GOD.

I'm dead. I can't see through my tears, my throat is raw, and I can't stop laughing.

Poor you.

Janna said...

OMG this was so hilarious. It made my night.

I moved cities (only about 20 mins away) with my dog about 6 months ago, and she was upset until she realized that I'd brought the same couch. For the entire first week or two she wouldn't leave the couch except to eat and follow me around. Now she thinks she owns the entire building.

Rob said...

Utterly charming and hilaripus.

Rebecca said...

Oh yeah, and it totally made me think of a significantly-below-average-intelligence cat I had back when I was married. (My ex took all 3 cats and they are doing just fine. Don't worry, they didn't go to the pound.) His full name was Sir Galahad the Scrappy, but we just called him Galahad. We eventually came to the conclusion, however, that even after having had him for around 5 years, he did not, in fact, know his name. This was not an easy conclusion to come to, mainly because he came when we called him. Eventually we noticed he came whenever we called the other cats, too. And when we yelled insults in a slightly beckoning tone. No joke---he really would come if we said, "Here, refrigerator magnet, cmere, cmon!" or any other meaningless names. Ahh, animals make live worthwhile. And humorous.

Our Westmoreland School said...

This was wonderful. Thank you.

calicodaisy said...

Great story! Great description of the dogs we all love but who make us crazy! -- michele

Doh said...

I laughed so hard i think i broke a rib.
already in love with the simple dog.

Unknown said...

i laughed til i cried! everything you depicted was so true of my dogs as well!

Bryan said...

I love this, I laughed so hard it brought me to tears. I hope you're going to make a book of short stories, I want one!

emily bilbrey said...

DEAD. i am DEAD. literally tears streaming down my cheeks from laughing so hard. thank you for this!!!

Tura Lura said...

Getting the Feedburner email made my day. But no pictures, so I had to load it in the browser. ^_^ I ended up having to stop twice in my reading of this post. I couldn't see the screen through my tears of laughter!

This is your best post yet. I feel so sorry for you and your boyfriend. I know all about whining; our youngest - and normally smartest - furchild does it almost constantly.

Note I said normally smartest. She has the whole vomiting = magical food creation misconception too. I thought she had outgrown that until I caught her trying to eat her own vomit one day recently. When she was a puppy, she mostly ate her brothers' vomit.

The picture of the two dogs running around in crazy circles nearly did me in - I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe! Our youngest two furchildren used to do that when they were puppies every single time they came inside. It didn't matter if they had been outside for five minutes or five hours, they had to run laps as soon as they came in. Thankfully they have outgrown that.

Hope you enjoy Oregon! And that helper dog recovers.

<3,
TL

Christy said...

Holy crap. If you get any funnier, I will actually swallow my own tongue. this is AWESOME.

My Life if Any One is Listening said...

Are my dogs living a double life with you

My Life if Any One is Listening said...

are my dogs living a double life with you??

Krista said...

Yay for new posts!!! I just drove cross country moving from CA to GA with my cat and dog along. Luckily it went pretty smoothly. For possible future reference, my vet told me that I could use diphenhydramine (Benedryl) to drug my dog. It works really well...I use roughly 1mg per pound of body weight (my dog is small so I'm not sure about the max). Using the Benedryl, I took my spastic claustrophobic dog as an underseat carry-on once when I flew and the other passengers never even knew he was there.

JE McManus said...

This should be a childrens' book...for adults! You made my night and I'm recommending your wonderful wit and artistry to all!

joshulux said...

Awesome story, thanks!

Krista said...

Oh, and Allie, I LOVE that you're super creepy and capable of finding me. I hope you do.

Bottles & Books said...

My best friend converted me, and with this post, I believe I have converted my boyfriend. You make all of us wacky, off-kilter people feel like we have found a home. Thank you, Allie!!

laurashepp said...

Woooonderful!! Especially your MS Paint skills. The lava-skeleton picture and the one of the helper dog flopping in the snow were fantastic.

JacksDad said...

I hate you! :)

I wanted to have written this!

Anonymous said...

....you sholdve given the dogs Nyquil so you could go to sleep. haha my mum did it and it worked....

RunningFoxNJ said...

Allie, thank you for sharing your story about your move and your poor sad dogs- love it! Made me laugh so hard I almost cried- and I feel so bad for the dogs, but sometimes, animals really have no clue (or logic!). Also, really love your illustrations. Definitely helps tell the story and emphasize the craziness of your dogs.

I have to say our cats act very peculiar too- but they've got different issues and ways that they handle things.

Thanks so much for sharing your story- I can't wait to read more of your blog!

paddlefishpie said...

Oh, my god. This reminds me so much of the dogs I live with! Haha. It's ridiculous.

me :) said...

That was so freakin funny that I actually peed myself just a little bit.....

Laura said...

Ouch. My stomach hurts from laughing. Owwwwww.

Viv said...

I'm so insanely glad to have stumbled upon this blog. It's amazing! So great.

Anonymous said...

I'm freakin' sobbing because I'm laughing so hard. Thank you for that, even if my neighbors probably think I'm insane from the cackling. :D

Anonymous said...

I've read this twice today so far. SO hilarious! I have a really truly "special" dog too, and you always capture the essence of the dumb dog in a way that makes me want to hug her and not murder her. It's like therapy or something. Thanks!

bluecanary said...

I laughed my way through this entire post. But I think I veered into snorting territory when I read about the booties.

PinkDragon said...

Loved it! Amazing job!

Britty said...

My family and I were totally dying over this! Sorry for the horrendous moving experience, but thank you for the hilarious story!

Anonymous said...

This was hilarious and right on the mark!

AND...not to be a stalker or anything, but I'm glad you mentioned Duncan. It's been awhile since he's come up in one of your posts and I was wondering if something happened between yall.

Yeah, I'm totally stalker creepy troll guy.

lacey! said...

I loved it. that was what it was like when I first brought my puppy home!

Lindsey said...

I am crying I am laughing so hard!!! My two dogs are seriously separated at birth from your dogs and the even weirder part is that we just moved them to Oregon driving across country (from West Virgina) and endured an almost identical ordeal!! LOVE your writing! Thanks for sharing (and capturing my two dogs perfectly in your story as well)!

JoMo Cyclist said...

How did you kidnap my dogs and take them on a roadtrip without my knowledge??? Ha! This was hysterical - kudos on the great illustrations.

B said...

Best post ever. I especially loved the vomiting. it's so true- the infinite amount of food seems to amaze.

Anonymous said...

i laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.....

-vanessa-
thechinncredibles.blogspot.com

Dan said...

I laughed in my head from the laser beam eyes on. Then I started laughing out loud from "I made food! I am magical!" the rest of the way through. Thank you. As someone who has a pair of crazy mutts myself, I can totally relate.

Our poodle freaks out and shakes every time we get in the car, despite the fact every time he goes for a car ride, he gets to go somewhere awesome. That he loves. Like a farm, a cottage, or the dog park. The other dog is the happiest dog in the world, unless the vaccuum is on. Then you would think the rapture had started.

Thanks for this. Loved it. Passing it around on FB.

Janet Whitehead said...

Hysterical. and thanks. I looked at my dog and said, "you know, honey, you're simple, too." it felt good to admit it.

Vagabondage said...

Is your simple dog a greyhound? Because she totally resembles one, and my greyhound is exactly the same. They may even be soul-sisters, if incredibly stupid but amusing dogs have souls.

Caizn said...

Forget laughing so hard I cried...I almost threw up I was laughing so hard. My boyfriend really wanted to know if I was going to be ok.

heart.head.and.hands said...

Thank God you didn't have to deal with children, you already had two. Made my day.

Natalie said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. I keep re-reading it, and laughing harder. Fantastic!

A Library Girl said...

This is the first time I've ever read this blog, and I think this post almost killed me, I was laughing so hard. The drawings are awesome.

As You Wish said...

ARRRR OHHHH EFFFF ELLLLL EMMMMM AAAAA OHHHHH.

Damon Fury said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I laughed until I hurt. Kudos.

Anonymous said...

This post was so funny! I was laughing so hard my own two dogs (amazingly similar to yours - one very very stupid one and one very anxious one) both woke up and walked over to me to lick me and check on my over-all well being. I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face and could hardly breath.
Great post!

Unknown said...

THIS POST IS SO EPIC!!!! hilarious. laughed like a maniac at work and everyone thinks im weird now. keep them coming!!

Sheryl said...

SOOOO GOOOOOOD! Loved it. Thank you. And I thought my nuerotic cats were bad!

Sheryl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I haven't laughed in awhile, due to being immersed in burning lava (i.e. phd comp exams) for months and not sleeping. I found this post just now and have NEVER LAUGHED THIS HARD at a post in my whole life. It's so funny that I feel like I need medical assistance for laughing this hard. Oh my god it hurts so good...

Carly said...

This is my favorite thing I've read in a really, really, really long time. Thank you for sharing this hilarious story.
You should definitely share more about your dogs.

Tara said...

This made me cry...any dog person who has "special" dogs can relate. I have 3 Pugs and they are all quite unique..to say the least. You have a great way of communicating your everyday life...a wonderful gift, thanks for sharing it!

Anonymous said...

Halfway through this comic (when simple dog is thinking of numbers and a bee) I started laughing hysterically. I think I scared people with my inability to control my laughter which was further fueled by the next image of simple dog in the car thinking of "helicopter." This is sooooo great!

monkey said...

yay :D

Anonymous said...

First time reader and first time commenter, but long time dog owner.

Spot on, and hillarious.

I hope both of your dogs are happily integrated into your new home!

Anonymous said...

oh my god. that was amazingly hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Holy gods, this was a great post.

Sometimes you don't make posts for a long time and my soul (which subscribes to this feed separately but doesn't think I know, stupid soul) has a sad smiley emoticon. But when there's a post again, I tell all my friends and clap and sing songs I make up on the spot.

Then I have some pork n' beans, because, c'mon...some things are just worth celebrating.

Tama said...

I want that lava swim fin picture on a tee shirt. I would totally wear it even though nobody would know what the the heck it was.

Becki D said...

Hi-larious!!

I for real couldn't stop LOL'ing.

Husband, who is trying to sleep, found this almost as distressing as you found simple dog's eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee's.

Oops.

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