Dogs Don't Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.  


I know this because my boyfriend Duncan and I moved from Montana to Oregon last month.  But as harrowing as the move was for us, it was nothing compared to the confusion and insecurity our two dogs had to endure.  

Our first dog is - to put it delicately - simple-minded.  Our other dog is a neurotic German shepherd mix with agonizingly low self-esteem who has taken on the role of "helper dog" for our simple dog.  Neither dog is well-equipped with coping mechanisms of any kind.  

When we started packing, the helper dog knew immediately that something was going on.  I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty.  She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.     


When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed.  Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos.  The simple dog remained unfazed. 


Unfortunately for the helper dog, it took us nearly a week to get everything packed up.  By the time we were ready to begin the first part of our two-day journey to Oregon, she seemed almost entirely convinced that she was going to die at any moment.  She spent the entire car ride drooling and shaking uncontrollably.  


But the simple dog seemed to enjoy the trip. 


Even though she threw up seven times. 


She actually seemed to like throwing up.  To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food.  I was less excited about the discovery because it turned my dog into a horrible, vomit-making perpetual motion machine.  Whenever I heard her retch in the backseat, I had to pull over as quickly as possible to prevent her from reloading her stomach and starting the whole cycle over again.  

But as far as the simple dog was concerned, it was the best, most exciting day of her life.  


It wasn't until we stopped for the night in Umatilla that the simple dog became aware that there was any reason for her to feel anxious.  But at around two o'clock in the morning, the simple dog finally realized that something was different and maybe she should be alarmed.


This particular dog is not anywhere near the gifted spectrum when it comes to solving problems.  In fact, she has only one discernible method of problem solving and it isn't even really a method. 


But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, the simple dog did not understand this concept and she went right ahead and made an interminable amount of noise that was just invasive enough to make sleeping impossible. 

After an hour of failed attempts at comforting the simple dog, her constant, high-pitched emergency-distress-signal became a huge problem.  

I tried to communicate my displeasure to the simple dog, but communicating with the simple dog usually goes like this:


She was going to make that sound forever if she felt it was necessary.  We tried everything from spooning her to locking her in the bathroom, but none of it was even the slightest bit effective.  



The simple dog made the noise all through the night and was still going strong the next morning. When we were loading the dogs into the car, the constant, high-pitched sound emanating from the simple dog finally broke the helper dog.  The helper dog wailed in anguish, which alarmed the simple dog.  In her surprise, the simple dog let out a yelp, which further upset the helper dog.  And so it continued in a wretched positive-feedback loop of completely unnecessary noise.


When we finally arrived at our new house, the dogs had calmed down considerably.  Unfortunately, it had snowed the night before and there was still snow on our front lawn, and that was enough to catapult both dogs back into hysteria.  

The simple dog had either never experienced snow or she'd forgotten that she knew what it was, because when we let her out of the car, she walked around normally for about seven seconds, then she noticed the snow and her feeble little mind short-circuited.


At first, the simple dog was excited about the snow.  She started prancing around the yard like she was the star of a one-dog parade - her recent personal crisis overshadowed by a haze of enthusiasm. 


The prancing turned to leaping and the leaping turned to running chaotically in stupid little circles. Then she just stopped and stared at the ground.  There was a visible shift in her demeanor as she realized that she didn't understand snow and it was everywhere and she should probably be scared of it. She started making the noise again. 


Not surprisingly, the helper dog interpreted the snow as a sign of her imminent demise.  But she was so exhausted from worrying about all of the other signs of her demise that she just gave up and accepted her death.  She peered up at us, half-buried in the snow.  Her eyes were filled with pain and helplessness, as if she thought we had summoned the snow for the sole purpose of making her sad.


We decided that it would probably be best to bring the dogs inside.  

As a condition for allowing us to have dogs in our rental house, our landlady made us promise that we wouldn't let the dogs scratch the wood floors.  We didn't anticipate it being a problem because it hadn't been in the past, but as soon as our dogs set foot in the house, they morphed into perfectly engineered floor-destroying machines.  They started sprinting as fast as they could for absolutely no reason - skittering around in circles to avoid running into the walls.  


We finally corralled them in the bedroom and shut the door to give ourselves a little time to regroup and come up with a plan.  Until we could get some rugs or convince the dogs that it was unnecessary to sprint around chaotically for no reason, we would need to find some way to prevent them from scratching the floors.  What we ended up doing was going to the pet store and buying two sets of sled dog booties. It was the only way.

It is easy to imagine that a dog who has recently experienced a dramatic upheaval of its formerly safe and predictable life might not react well to suddenly having strange objects attached to all four of its feet.  This was most definitely the case with the booties.

The helper dog panicked and started trying to rip the booties off with her teeth. 


I scolded her and she reacted as if I'd ruined her entire life. 


But at least her immobilizing self-pity kept her from chewing the booties off.

The simple dog just stood there and looked at me in a way that would suggest she didn't realize her legs still worked.


They had to wear the booties for two days.  Those two days were filled with the most concentrated display of overemotional suffering I have ever witnessed.  The simple dog spent most of her time standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered and hurt and the helper dog refused to walk, instead opting to flop her way around the house like a dying fish.  


The entire ordeal was punctuated by the simple dog's high-pitched confusion alarm. 

We were beginning to think that our dogs were permanently broken. Nothing we did helped at all to convince the dogs that we had only changed houses and our new house was not, in fact, some sort of death-camp and we weren't actually planning on killing them to fulfill an organ harvest ritual.  Despite our best efforts, they continued to drift around in a sea of confusion and terror, pausing only to look pitiful. 

But while we were unpacking, we found a squeaky toy that was given to us as a gift shortly before we moved.  We offered the toy to the dogs.  This may have been a mistake. 

Upon discovering that the toy squeaked when it was compressed forcefully, the simple dog immediately forgot that she'd ever experienced doubt or anxiety ever in her life.  She pounced on the toy with way more force than necessary, over and over and over.  The logic behind her sudden change in outlook was unclear.   


But at least she was happy again. 

2,463 comments:

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Anonymous said...

That was amazing! Laughed so hard I was crying.

RKC said...

Awesome! You capture dogs so perfectly. Allie I love your posts- this is the first and best blog I read. And I think you're extra awesome because you love rats. Dogs and rats - best pets ever! Peace and love xxx

Amanda said...

Allie,
can I just say that I am so jealous of your drawing abilities. I have always wanted to draw dogs and they always come out looking like they have a penis on their face.

Courtney Bell said...

A++++++++++!

Angela Motorman said...

Just for you, Allie:

http://www.futilitycloset.com/2010/11/14/in-a-word-291/

Chris Ward said...

Loved this post! I used to live somewhat close to Umatilla!

Phil Manning said...

The picture of the helper dog half-buried in the snow made me laugh so so hard.

I love this post.

Bend Oregon Rules said...

Hip hip hooray. Your dog drawing skills are excellent. Hope you are having a good week in Bend, OR! I know I am. You should go downtown to Dudley's book store, it's a swell place. :)I hope Dudley's appreciates the free advertising. Haha.
-Good day
Willow

ladybug said...

Omigosh, this was one of the funniest things I've ever read--right up there with David Sedaris on the Laugh-O-Meter. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt and I had tears in my eyes. The illustrations are priceless, too. Thank you. Still chuckling . . .

Pike said...

1.) This post and the puppy drawings both cracked me up. Definitely some of my fave drawings you've done so far <3

2.) I moved from Montana to Washington last month. Washington has Sales Tax. I kind of envy your Oregon-ness. Also WHAT IS THIS I WILL NEVER GET USED TO THIS WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY MORE ALL OF A SUDDEN WHAT

Also people panic when it snows, which makes me giggle, but to be fair, I panic when it fogs, so I guess it evens out.

Erika said...

I have to avoid reading your website at work, because it all hits me and I start laughing hysterically.

Seriously, my days are so much brighter after such shenanigans. :D

Alexis said...

Did the helper-dog ever realize life was ok?

The Stifled Artist said...

and here I thought my dog was the only one. Again, you've described the profundity in something seemingly simple in a way that makes me laugh out loud. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

From one co-dog owner/tolerator/enjoyer to another, thanks. That was lots of fun.

V said...

I have to say it. I think your blog has to be my favorite blog in the whole world. Your story-telling and drawings make me laugh harder than anything else in the blogosphere. This post is just..

I mean, ok I TOTALLY feel sorry for your pups, but I know what it's like to have one intellectually challenged pet, and one "helper" genius pet. It's like Mad TV's Dot and twin sister Karen. Except mine are cats. And boys. But the hilarity of it all. Wow, that had to be super stressful for you guys, but it makes for a great story. You are amazing!

Amanda Mac said...

Funniest. Post. Ever. As the owner of a simple dog, I can totally appreciate it. And my belly is going to hurt from all this laughing.

Unknown said...

You are one of my favorite people. End of story. Life has been *super gross* lately, and I needed this laugh like Simple Dog needed that squeaky toy.

Shauna said...

YOU'RE SO FREAKING HILARIOUS

Anne C. said...

Oh yet again you have me crying tears of laughter!

tokyoterri said...

Giggling hysterically in Tokyo

A Vapid Blonde said...

My dogs run laps throughout our house everytime they poop...which is A LOT. (not alot)

It's totally insane what they do. Our home is three and a half years old and our floors look like the Kentucky Derby of Freddy Kreuger just happened.

Anonymous said...

This is almost as funny (in a sick and twisted way) as when I had to move from Jackson, Mississippi, to the Florida panhandle with two half grown female pups and their evil mother, along with my aging idiot escape-artist dalmatian, and her life-long companion, my 65 pound car-sick male bulldog. The pups howled the ENTIRE WAY, their mother peed on the seat and floor, the dalmatian tried to wriggle out a cracked window, and the bulldog did what he did best: barf. Oh, did I mention I also had two cats in carriers that yowled in tune with the pups?

Anonymous said...

I CAN'T EVEN

WHAT IS AIR

Unknown said...

Awesome :D

Welcome to Oregon! We're awesome over here.

Aditi said...

Argh, my dogs did this when my husband and I took them for a holiday at a beach resort. We had a 4 hour car ride with exciting events such as vomiting, continuous high pitched noises and our "helper dog" trying to drive the car...
Love your posts :)

The Beans said...

As someone who recently packed a suitcase worth of her shit to move to France and traveled by plane, I can only imagine how horrid it would be if I had to make a similar journey with ALL of my things and a neurotic Demon Chihuahua in tow. o_O"

I totally cracked up at the doggies' expressions. Well done! :-)

-Barb the French Bean

Sean Thompson said...

This had me in tears the entire time. I'm so glad my dog is (relative to other dogs) a genius.

Whenever I move she freaks out for ten minutes, or approximately the time it usually takes to get to the vet. Once she realizes she is not, in fact, going to vet she lays down and stares at nothing in particular. I assume this is to send the message that "I am bored as hell." to me as loud and clear as possible.

As soon as I open the door she scrabbles around in a mad blur, sniffing at everything. Mainly because it's a new place, and fuck god damn if new places aren't the best thing in the world.

This takes about two days of nonstop activity. I'm not sure she even sleeps at night as she manages to frighten me to death during the middle of the night because someone got out of their car two blocks away. And if she doesn't defend her (incredibly vast) territory then no one will!

Finally she calms down, at which point the place is no longer new and she resumes her posture of laying as flat on the ground as possible in order to convey boredom.

Unknown said...

Thanks Nice Idea...
Dogs

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I were just laughing our asses off reading this. As he so bluntly put, "This is the freakin' best!"

Anonymous said...

I had to take periodic five-minute breaks while reading this so that I did not throw up from laughing. This has never happened to me before. Like your dogs, you have thrown me into a state of chaos and confusion.
Also, I love you.

Unknown said...

Awesome and adorable! I absolutely love it!

Anonymous said...

zOMGZ i LOVE when you draw dogs.
Also, yes. Try softpaws; they are quite effective.

Anonymous said...

Is helper dog okay yet?!

sara said...

Yay! I was born in oregon and spent all of my life there (portland) until I moved away this year to finally take a college program on acting. I now reside in California but miss oregon with just about every fiber of my being. Take care of it for me. TAKE CARE OF IT!!! OR ELSE!!

Anonymous said...

the burning skeleton with flippers may well be the best illustration i have ever seen.. awesome post..

jackson

Elle Solace said...

Your drawing and writing keep improving with every post. I'm highly impressed, and hearing from you, is, as always, a pleasure. Please keep it up. You're awesome.

tokyoterri said...

Giggling hysterically in Tokyo

Chris N said...

A question about that first picture: Is there really the outline of a teddy bear being burned-up in the lower left-hand corner, or am I imagining things?

MissMeliss said...

Saw a link to this post in Felicia Day's twitter feed, and since I not only own three dogs, but also have at least one foster-dog most of the time, I HAD to come read this post.

I'm glad I did, except that I'm now laughing so much that there's no chance of sleep any time soon, and it's nearly one AM.

Michael said...

Laughing like a loon at this post!!! Good one, Allie!!

George said...

I just wanted to let you know that whenever you update, my entire world STOPS in order for myself and everyone around me to read your blog posts out loud. They practically make my life every single time.

I love you forever.

The B said...

OMG I think I cracked a rib from laughing so hard. Thank you and congrats on your move. I am sure the dogs will find "normal" soon.

Kai said...

Just discovered you and this story was hilarious. You've made my dog seem so normal. :)

Anonymous said...

Yey!!! You made my day with this post! Thx :)

S.B. said...

HAHAHAHA...ok now that I've done that, and laughed until I CRIED and emailed the link to everyone I know who has a dog or even thinks of getting one, including my husband...

looking at my own dog. The one who immediately buries brand new rawhide still smells like dead cow bones because we might want to take them away from him and eat them ourselves. And then forgets he ever had them. In about 5 minutes.

You are the best. The absolute BEST!!! Sending adoration.

And some virtual bones. They are untouched.

G. M. Atwater said...

You are the first person in YEARS to almost make me pee while laughing. Because I totally laughed that hard. And both my dogs and my husband came to see what had me in hysterics. Oddly enough, they all walked away shaking their heads.

And now my face hurts. From all the smiling, see. I love your weird brain. I ADORE YOUR DOG FUNNIES! And your cartoons are utterly perfect. I'm not sure what made me laugh hardest, the boops or the boneless dog with booties. But now my ribs hurt, too.

You're amazing. I've got laugh tears. I love it. I love this POST! Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

P.S.
I'm new here. A friend linked me to this on account of I have weird dogs, too. ;)

G. M. Atwater said...

You are the first person in YEARS to almost make me pee while laughing. Because I totally laughed that hard. And both my dogs and my husband came to see what had me in hysterics. Oddly enough, they all walked away shaking their heads.

And now my face hurts. From all the smiling, see. I love your weird brain. I ADORE YOUR DOG FUNNIES! And your cartoons are utterly perfect. I'm not sure what made me laugh hardest, the boops or the boneless dog with booties. But now my ribs hurt, too.

You're amazing. I've got laugh tears. I love it. I love this POST! Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

P.S.
I'm new here. A friend linked me to this on account of I have weird dogs, too. ;)

G. M. Atwater said...

You are the first person in YEARS to almost make me pee while laughing. Because I totally laughed that hard. And both my dogs and my husband came to see what had me in hysterics. Oddly enough, they all walked away shaking their heads.

And now my face hurts. From all the smiling, see. I love your weird brain. I ADORE YOUR DOG FUNNIES! And your cartoons are utterly perfect. I'm not sure what made me laugh hardest, the boops or the boneless dog with booties. But now my ribs hurt, too.

You're amazing. I've got laugh tears. I love it. I love this POST! Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)

P.S.
I'm new here. A friend linked me to this on account of I have weird dogs, too. ;)

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Oregon!

Ziah said...

Yeah! You're on my side of the country! I'm 1238 miles closer to a funny lady! Maybe osmosis beams? Dogs are awesome

Muhammad Moustafa said...

You made me laugh so hard. Amazing Post!

Anonymous said...

I've lost count of how many times I've laughed out loud while reading your posts. Have you ever considered making t-shirts/other things with some of your drawings on them? I think they'd be a great hit! Thanks for all the laughs =)

ImpartialSanity said...

This made me absurdly happy. And when I say absurdly, I really do mean absurdly. After having a horrible day (here's too much information: period, cramps, back pain, missing the bus (which came 5 minutes early), being splashed by a passing car as I'm running back down the street to see if I can idiotically pelt across the street, juke in front of the bus and somehow manage to not get mushed), walking to work in 40-something degree weather with no gloves and no hat after missing the aforementioned bus, enduring four hours of other students mostly alternate between complaining about portions and prices while I rang up their food, being nearly yelled at by one of the cooks because he spilled my drink and then walking back home in the same 40-something degree weather) this was refreshing. Emphasis, repetition: absurdly. (Four times is enough, yes?) So, thanks. A lot. (Thanks Alot? Will Alot say "you're welcome"?)

Cheers.

candleflame said...

CONTINUE BLOGGING! :DDDDDD I love you so much.

Anonymous said...

My dog just sees me touch the suitcase on top of the wardrobe, and suddenly she loses the will to live and limps on as many legs as she can physically manage.

Brilliant post!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this entertaining story! I really enjoyed it.

LE BWOMP. said...

Your illustrations are stellar. Had tears in my eyes and maybe peed a little.

Abbie said...

Woof. Dogs are too much like children!

I conclude that your simple-minded dog was comforted by the squeaky toy because it, too, is simple and makes high pitch noises. Or something.

Anyway, good job. :)

Jake the Lexy said...

Absolutely hilarious! These comics seriously are the day-makers recently, keep doing what you do! and dont EVER. stop. Or you might have a million-member angry mob on your hands. Not a good time.
By the by, i have two schnauzer poodles. They are spoiled idiot lapdogs that pee at the first sign of significant change. I've come to hate them..and then they give me "the look." and my hate turns into grumbling affection.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is just good for the soul. Now going to bed happy and laughing. I'll be dreaming in MS Paint.

Welcome to Oregon! It's the best!

Khagan Din said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. I didn't comment on the other comics because they were merely very, very funny. This one was funnier than that.

I hope you keep making comics that are roughly this good, but if you don't and you decide to just play the ukelele for the next 80 years, I would be proud to have my tax dollars support your retirement.

Thank you!!

Gneal said...

Your drawings are becoming more amazing than I could ever have imagined.

Chaddeous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard I'm crying. Like OMG-I-have-to-blow-my-nose crying. I love you and want to have your word children.

mercedes said...

Sometimes I worry that I sympathize too thoroughly with your simple dog.

(MOVING SUCKS AND IS CONFUSING. EEEEEEEE!!!!)

Great post, Allie. Your art is getting so fantastic!

Chaddeous said...

Awesome! Great art too i love your style :D

Anonymous said...

As entertaining as this is to read if this is how you really interpret events it's pretty obvious that you don't know crap about dogs. Watch some Dog Whisperer or something before you do them further harm

That Jessica Girl said...

Newpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpostnewpost!



I mean...... that's cool... 'n'stuff...

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to comment because there were 666 comments and it was beginning to freak me out. o_0

Your illustrations are awesome.

Anonymous said...

I love you, and not in the normal creepy internet way - like the way that people love people who make them happy irl. Your writing consistently makes me laugh hard enough to wet my pants. Thanks for this post.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious. Laughing so hard I had to stop reading; I couldn't see through the tears!

diemer said...

I audibly laughed at every picture, trying to muffle myself so I didn't wake my entire family. Good work, sorry your dog is unstable.

Noah Bawdy™ said...

That was so funny !
You need to lose the dogs and get a cat ;-)

Anonymous said...

d1$ p0$7 w@$ $uP3r fUnN111Y. L@WLZzZ

Katie said...

OMG that is one of your funniest ever. I cry-laughed through the whole thing (where you belly laugh so hard you start to cry). I have a dog that sounds like a combination of your two, and I feel so bad that I can't master the Dog Whisperer techniques, and make her perfect. It's so great that your posts help me laugh at my own life & lighten up a little!!

Unknown said...

I am still busting up. Laughing so hard, so long that my born old-soul dog finally had enough. Emerging from his stupor on the couch in the other room, he ambled in and started barking at the front door. Seemingly in complete support of new location neurosis (though he's been here for year).

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Keep writing, keep sending and my God, keep illustrating - it's fabulous!

Anonymous said...

I would pay big money rolls for a t-shirt with that picture of a lava-fleeing, flipper-wearing char-person on it.

Amanda said...

I am seriously crying from laughing so hard. Maybe that's because it is almost 2 am... but I think it's mostly because of this totally badass post. Thanks for the laugh! :)

-Amanda

Janel Laidman said...

This post was hilarious, I've been through this same trip but with a cat thrown in for good measure. Welcome to Oregon! What city did you move to?

Ludicrousity said...

I. Love. Your Blog.

Carson said...

I've just recovered from laughing 'til I cried! I too have 2 dogs that are both 'special' in their own very very 'special' ways...you nailed the absurdity of them perfectly

Jovanna said...

People in the library thought I was some weird moron for laughing so much at a computer screen. Ergh. Nice post, btw.

Anonymous said...

Bach Flower Rescue Remedy is good for pets going through change. Put a few drops in their water or directly on their tongues.

When they will be in the car for awhile, do not feed them their full, normal meals. Small meals only if car-bound.

Candice said...

Amazing. Very good post. And LOVE the illustrations.

Yeah, I moved this past summer with my two dogs. It was only a two hour drive so that part wasn't bad, but the next few weeks were horrendous. All previous house-training went out the window. Or perhaps more appropriately, all over the floor and walls. And barking at all hours at non-existent noises was commonplace for a while. Not to mention, it was hurricane season, and my one storm-fearing dog went into meltdown and would drool and shake for the entirety of the storms. Bleh.

Glad squeaky toys fixed simple dog.

Jillers said...

I should always keep in mind not to read your blog at 3am since I am bad at holding in laughter and probably have the worst most annoying laugh ever.

Stay hilarious!

Scott said...

Hehe, sounds like your pets annoyed the crap out of you. Worst I've had was my cat jumping on my lap one night watching TV soaked in another cat's urine...

Unknown said...

I felt totally at risk of peeing myself from sheer joy and gigglefits while reading this post.

I feel like that's a really big compliment.

otaking said...

This totally made my day :)

Helene said...

Have you changed the way you make your pictures lately? Because they've gotten pretty amazing!

Baser Support said...

Allie, I love your blog and hilarious posts and paintings so much, thanks for another great one! :D

_kim_ber_ly_ said...

Wow. Amazingly spot-on, and so funny I laughed out loud more than once. We moved from South Texas to North Carolina with 2 dogs last spring & shared so many of these same experiences. Hiilarious!

Jessica said...

Fantastic, as usual....your drawings evidence more skill/awesomeness with each new post (no pressure, or anything...).

Anonymous said...

A magnificently funny post. I don't know whether I love your prose or your drawings more: it's a celebrity death match!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure this isn't about your kids? LOL

Kat said...

Absolutely hilarious!!!!!

Danica said...

face hurts. from laughing. omg. you guys rule.

Anonymous said...

I swear, when I get home I'm going to flop around on the floor in order to demonstrate for my boyfriend how funny this post is. Made my day.

Sara said...

you should post pictures of your dogs :>

tsuki said...

Awesomely hilarious, once again!

Unknown said...

What a great piece. Not sure why you'd want dogs like that.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so much my boyfriend had to remind me to breathe. Now I am crying. This was the best post.

Matt Bacon said...

this was brilliant and made my day
allie you are AWESOME

Agent Coco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I had a paper route and my dog always came with me. However, I always got calls that some people did not get their paper and my dad would have to take me back out and deliver them. One early morning my dad was driving down the street and saw my dog with three newspapers in his mouth. He followed him home and watched my dog stash them under our deck; there were hundreds of them. I have heard of dogs bringing newspapers to their owners, I guess my dog was obsessive compulsive.

Belinda said...

Oh dear god I think I just wet myself laughing. That is not something that should happen to a grown woman, at least until she starts wearing diapers again.

William said...

first off im glad your still alive.

second,if you think simple dog is amazed by snow, you should see our golden retriever. It completely upsets his world whenever there is snow on the ground...same thing with fireworks also.

What breed is simple dog?

Agent Coco said...

You made me cry with laughter! I have two rescued pups myself and one of them is also "special." I understand your frustrations and respect you all the more for still loving them and finding the humor in it! You rock!

Anonymous said...

Very funny. Loved your dark humor and the drawings.

Devin said...

Your simple dog is a mirror image of our simple dog...hilarious!!

Belinda said...

Omg Allie you just got tweeted by Felicia Day!

Anonymous said...

Done it again! 10/10.

Tasja said...

This is SO funny xDD
I cried while reading!

Jo_a_deer said...

Yay i love this, you've made my day! hilarious as always!

Diana said...

I laughed so hard I cried. And your expressions on your dogs (and your and Duncan's faces) are HYSTERICAL, priceless, and perfect.

In other news, holy fuck, no wonder you haven't made an update, having to deal with all of THAT melodrama!

Welcome back to blogland. I hope to see more of you around.

As a plus, Oregon shouldn't be nearly as cold as Montana in the winter!

Dianna Hardy said...

Excellent read! (...should I be worried that my 18 month old reacts the same way as your dogs when we go away?)

Tony said...

Allie - This blog is one of my favourite things in the whole world.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard for so long I now have abs of steel. Cool.

Vickie B said...

I laughed so much I actually cried. My downstairs neighbours must think I've finally cracked.
Thank you!

Jules said...

LOL...thanks for the laugh. I wonder what's going to happen when we have to move with the cats...

Katie said...

I think your lava picture is one of my all time favorite pictures ever. Not kidding, my favorite picture of anything ever. You are my blogging-hero.

RM Brand said...

I get to do that with cats in a few months. Two of them. One who thinks everyone is out to eat her and another who can make herself flatter than a pancake and seal herself to the carpet floor like duck tape. That's just getting them into the cat carrier.

I'll be the one doing the high-pitched whining noises on the trip.

Marsy {Giddy Fingers} said...

My dogs are retarded too and behave just like this, but that's what makes them so annoyingly adorable :)

Marsy ~ Giddy Fingers

Swirlypepper said...

Oh man your dogs are hilarious :) We have a city slicker german shepherd mix. He's happy in the car, moving house, riding the underground and weving through crowds. We messed him up good over a weekend in the country though.

Every new rural thing wigged him out! He'd whine and bark at us like Timmy had fallen down a well until he got frustrated with our lack of action. He'd then have to take matters into his own hands by protecting us! This basically meant he'd spend hours barking at bouys, seagulls and flipping moss covered rocks until either a)exhaution b)we dragged him away in shame if there were people or c)he got hungry and needed to find food.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant, just brilliant.

Boppie said...

You really are so talented - it's like can see the dogs as I'm reading - and your drawings are so evocative - 'why are you doing this to me?' And that just-audible whine - my jack Russell used to do that for any reason he could think of, and it made me want to pull my hair out - I can't believe you survived your trip. Vomit, whining, drama queens, self-pity - did you make a video diary?
Brava, brava!

Anonymous said...

This wasn't funny at all..

I have always been one of your biggest fans but now you dont write funny at all..

I still read your old posts and laugh

EmBeeCee said...

Oh, no. Seriously. Tears streaming down my face. Happy tears, not emo tears.

I read this on a link from a dog-breed website I visit. Thought the raves would actually be hyperbole, but no, they were CORRECT.

You are a comic genius. If you could insert a PayPal link on your blog, I honestly would send you $5 for giving me the best laugh I've had in weeks. (Be careful, though - THE MAN would want you to keep track and pay income tax and social security and all that.)

Thanks so much!

MBC

Karen said...

This is brilliant! i've just laughed my ass off reading it. what a great way to start the day! thanks so much :)

Mok said...

the picture of your helper dog biting her dog shoes looked like the "simple" hyena in Lion King biting its leg :)

Satan said...

oh, wow. done this, with cats. NEVER AGAIN will i go cross country without the equivalent of cat Valium.

Anonymous said...

Loved this. You write and draw beautifully. My dog just liked that it made me laugh a lot.

Duncan Shields said...

My name's Duncan and I just moved in with my girlfriend two weeks ago. She's got two cats and one of them is very, very dumb and one of them is quite cunning. They're both black but if you look at their eyes you can tell them apart. Our moving experience was not as hellish as yours but it was similar. The dumb cat wasn't too fazed by the whole thing but the smart cat was super freaked out. They're both doing better now but I understand. Your posts are hilarious.

A said...

I read this at the crack of dawn as the perfect capstone to a particularly dreary all-night study sesson. I woke my neighbors up laughing.

Dologan said...

Special dog is truly special indeed. Normal dogs are color-blind!

Brilliant post by the way! Only you could think of running away from lava in flippers as a metaphor xD

Anonymous said...

Thank you, that was absolutely brilliant and funny! Cheered me up no end, I love your dogs :-)

Tim

melydia said...

I laughed so hard my stomach hurts. What a perfect way to start an otherwise bleak Thursday. Thank you.

Rambling Expat said...

Hi there,

I love it!

The graphism, and the story I love it all.

Have a good day,
Me.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard I started crying. Your drawings are fantastic.

Heather M said...

This is really the funniest thing I've read in ages. I'm sorry to laugh at your suffering, but OMG! HILARIOUS.

Amanda said...

Every time you update I get really excited followed by extremely disappointed because now I have to wait again for you to update! In the past month I "discovered" your blog and I have gone backwards reading and catching up. Now that I am caught up, and have to wait like a real person, I don't know how I'm going to make it through!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard I started crying. Your drawings are fantastic.

Joebsobe said...

Forty Four hours.
Walnut Creek California to Raleigh NC.
Two dogs.
Two cats.
No bed.
No hot water.
Thank god for Acepromazine!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Spot on. I love you guys *tears up*

Julie said...

I laughed so hard I disturbed my own Helper Dog, who is even now looking at me askance.

Anonymous said...

I had surgery two days ago. I should not have read this so soon.

A Reader from Germany said...

I love your dogs & your stories & your blog & you!

Robin Frisella said...

I shared this on Facebook for my many fellow animal-loving friends. I'm in love with your dogs, which is saying a lot since I'm a cat person! Thanks for giving me a big grin to start the day!

Anonymous said...

OMGs! I have tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks and I can barely breathe from guffawing so loudly. My husbad now thinks I am broken like your dogs, and my toddler son is looking at me like Im' a loony - LOL!

Anonymous said...

wow! First time on this site and it was the funniest thing I've read in a while. Made me cry with laughter.

Thank you for that!

Esz said...

Most epic post EVER.

rebecca said...

Wow. This is seriously hysterical. I had to put my morning coffee down on the table I was shaking so hard when I laughed. Awesome story!

Moooooog35 said...

After reading this, the US Military is now dropping an enormous supply of squeaky toys on Al Qaida installations everywhere.

Anonymous said...

I loved reading about your simple dog again, or - as I like to call it - the retarded dog. No offense meant, doggie.

I feel bad for laughing at your suffering. I don't own dogs and never did, so I had no clue dogs would react this way (I'm a bird person myself, and birds aren't that ... well ... melodramatic). Therefore it was even more fun reading this.

Anonymous said...

Love this story! Have you seen those toenail covers - they are little rubber things that you put on the dog's nails. My friend put them on her dogs, and it looked like she'd painted their toenails. Helped protect her hardwood floor! But then you wouldn't have floppy dog. I'm just saying. So glad the move is over and you're back!!

Anonymous said...

When we moved to the city from a small town about 10 km north our Jack Russel was pretty worried about two things: the newly polished wood floors and the elevator. The newly polished floors she handled by leaning against the wall and walking around each room to reach the other side. The elevator was a different story, every time it started she dropped to the floor like a parachutist jumping out of a plane, shaking uncontrollably.
It took a few weeks and a few pigs ears but she got the hang of it eventually. Thank you for this story.

Caroline Josephine said...

This is great! I love your dog post. My family has two dogs that are a lot like yours, and the dogs just recently moved into my sister and her husbands new house... so they're dealing with a similar situation. I shared this with my mom and sister... they're happy to know that we're not alone!

Pa_Hsia said...

Oh gods, my face hurts, my eyes are full of tears and my co-workers think I'm some sort of lunatic.

This post was utter perfection. I shall quit my own blogging efforts in recognition of the futility of competing with you.

Nick said...

I love your blog, Allie, and I also read your posts over at the Gloss - they always cheer me up without fail, and it's inspired me to get back into drawing again, which I haven't done for a LONG time. :)

that girl said...

i can't sleep. i am hungry. i warmed some chicken soup and sat down to eat and read your blog.

there is chicken soup on the wall and my computer.

you are a god. eeeeeeeeee

Baby K said...

You are a bucketload of awesomeness. May your floors stay pristine and your lava swimming skills improve.

Hattie said...

Ally - great post as always :) love it.

Also I just found this and it reminded me of you and SPAGHATTA NADLE http://i.imgur.com/6e0dE.jpg

Anonymous said...

First time reader here - I woke up this morning, found this link on Reddit and absolutely died from laughter upon reading it. I can't think of a better way to start my morning. I can assure you, I will be back - thanks for the LOLs.

Anonymous said...

Like so many others before me - I have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. I'm up early, working, and can't wait for others to GET UP so they can see this. Thank you for a great morning :-)

Unknown said...

We recently got a puggle (half pug, half beagle) and he is the dumbest dog this side of your dog - he spends half of his time hanging by his teeth from the beard of our older, more patient and, more importantly, bigger dog. Between the two of them they go through squeeky toys as if they were made of flimsy tracing paper.

The amount of plastic the big dog has consumed over the past year may or may not be life threatening.

Robine said...

Love it!

ht said...

You are a genius. These are my dogs. One simple. One neurotic.

Please make greeting cards with your drawings. <3

Ariana said...

I laughed so hard I accidently swallowed air and choked... Fabulous. I think it happened around the post with your helper dog in the snow... I just died it was so pitiful yet funny XD;

Anonymous said...

If you have dog you'll understand why I am crying with laughter. This is just sublime. More dog posts please!

Anonymous said...

I'm annoying everyone in my office with random outbursts of laughter. THIS IS HYSTERICAL.

Petteri said...

The way you tell the story is just awesome and those pictures really make this blog post. I've been giggling and snorting all day at the office reading through the post one short chapter at a time.

Thank you for posting it and I seriously hope to see more stuff like this from you in the future. :D

Anonymous said...

LOVE your blog. You definitely shd have a comic strip. Only the owner of a 'simple-minded' dog truly understands this!!! Keep writing. Brilliant!

adampsb said...

Very good post - hate to see what a cat would have bene like moving. Like nearly all your posts extremely funny (almost as good as the Party one which does remain my absolute favourite)

http://adampsb.blogspot.com/2010/11/survivors.html

Newfie_girl said...

OMG! This is amazing! Better than any sit-com. I can SOOOO picture all of this, thus ended up in fits of uncontrolllable laughter. My cat (now deceased </3) used to howl the entire 15 minute drive to the vet, then clam up and try to hide in the corner of her carrier the minute we entered the vet's office. I can't imagine an extended drive with her going on like that. I can only imagine your pain trying to survive a couple of days like that. I discovered your blog via an old classmate----will definitely have to keep following. :)

Nikki said...

"we r sound-making buddies" almost made me spit my coffee out!

And .."I made food! I'm magical!"

Hilarious as always!

Laura said...

wow. this just summed up my last few moving experiences with my dog, Bailey. I was laughing so hard I began to cry! Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

Please make a teeshirt for simpledog.
i <3 him so much that i want to walk around letting everyone know how much i love him. even if he can't get a blanket off of his head.

♫• ¢яιмє •♫ said...

Oh my. xD This made my day. I flopped around laughing like I was nuts. xD
Epic post, as always.
Thank you, Allie. :)

Anca-Ioana Sandu said...

I make food!I'm magical!

That just made my day haha.

Nicely done. As always ^_^

Anonymous said...

Add constant non-stop pacing and profuse drooling to the eeeeeeeee and you have MY dog! One word for you: Valium. For the dog, not you. Although maybe it would work better if I took it instead of giving it to the dog. Then I wouldn't care if he wouldn't shut up.

Unknown said...

Too funny....I'm crying from laughing so hard....this is a must read for any dog owner.

Unknown said...

Hey,
You're brilliant. Have you considered making blown-up prints of some of your comic panels to sell around the holiday season? They'd make a really perfect gift.

Anonymous said...

Magical food making machine...that was priceless!!!! LOL!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fred Miller said...

King Solomon had a dog like yours. "As a dog returns to its vomit, so the fool returns to his folly" (Proverbs 26:11).

But you have a much better sense of humor.

The Fred Effect

Heather said...

You never cease to amaze me. Love it.

Anonymous said...

what did finally happen with your other dog??

Alana said...

As usual Allie, you have an unparalleled ability to make me laugh out loud and occasionally make really embarrassing snorty noises. Thank you.

Alana said...

As usual Allie, you have an unparalleled ability to make me laugh out loud and occasionally make really embarrassing snorty noises. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Holy Crap, we both have the same dogs! How is that possible?

Tessey Sue said...

My first time to your blog and you did not fail to impress! I can absolutely relate to parts of this. Hubby and I just moved two kids and two dogs to a new house. Fortunately, ours was only about a ten minute drive so we didn't have to deal with the car drama because I just walked the dogs from old house to new, but everything else is the same. The noises, the wood floor issues, and smart dog/notsosmart dog.....
The pictures are fabulous!
OH, and all the overdramatics and noise- it was pretty much the same with my 2 daughters.

ROCK the CANINE CASBAH said...

super love this post - thank you
however NOW I don't think I will ever move ... with 4 dogs - sigh I cannot imagine it ... a HUGE WOOF OUT to you

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Your drawings of your dogs are amazing. I loved this post!!

Bee said...

This is by far the funniest thing I have ever read. I could not stop laughing and from exhausted from just that!

Rachel said...

Hahahahahahahaha

Brilliant post! Actually made me LOL, not the fake LOL that you write when you have nothing else to say.

Anonymous said...

I love your blog!! Me and my nine year old daughter sit together and we read this with tears of laughter on our faces. Its wonderful! Especially with the one with getting your tooth pulled out, she went around for days saying "PARP" "PARP" Its still hilarious! Thanks so much!

Kristin Forbes-Mullane said...

hahaha... hilarious. I must share this on my blog.

things we make said...

Hilarious! Love it.

Anonymous said...

You should sell prints of that first picture. It's a masterpiece.

Hilarious post! <3

Jen at Cabin Fever said...

I am about to move with THREE dogs and a Cat.

This made me laugh

and then cry.

Thank you.


And I'm an instant follower.


Cabin Fever in Vermont

Meg said...

I greatly enjoy the pictures. Especially the person outrunning lava in swim fins. Nicely done.

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