Dog

A lingering fear of mine was confirmed last night:  My dog might be slightly retarded.

I've wondered about her intelligence ever since I adopted her and subsequently discovered that she was unable to figure out how stairs worked.


I blamed her ineptitude on the fact that she'd spent most of her life confined to a small kennel because her previous owners couldn't control her.  I figured that maybe she just hadn't been exposed to stairs yet.  Accepting the noble responsibility of educating this poor, underprivileged creature, I spent hours tenderly guiding her up and down the staircase - placing biscuits on each step to lure her and celebrating any sign of progress.  When she still couldn't successfully navigate the stairs at the end of her first week with me, I  blamed it on her extreme lack of motor control.  This dog is uncoordinated in a way that would suggest her canine lineage is tainted with traces of a species with a different number of legs - like maybe a starfish or some sort of primitive snake.

The next clue came when I started trying to train her. I am no stranger to training dogs - much of my childhood was spent working with various canines because I lacked the social skills to interact successfully with people.  With so many years of experience behind me, I was sure that training this new dog would be a very simple task.

I was wrong.  Not only is training my dog outlandishly difficult, it is also heartbreaking.  She wants so badly to please me.  Every fiber of her being quivers with the desire to do a good job.  


She tries really hard.    


But when turning her head at an extreme angle fails to produce a life-altering epiphany, she usually just short-circuits and rolls on her back.  

Over the past two months, she's made some progress, but it's been painfully slow and is easily forgotten.  Still, I was living under the assumption that maybe my dog just had a hidden capacity for intelligence - that all I had to do was work hard enough and maybe she'd wake up one day and be smart and capable like a normal dog.  Until last night.  

Last night I was sitting on my couch mindlessly surfing the internet when I looked up and noticed my dog licking the floor.  Just licking and licking.  At first I though maybe I'd spilled something there, but her licking did not seem to be localized to one spot.  Rather, she was walking around the room licking seemingly at random.  She lay down on her side and kept licking out of the side of her mouth while staring directly at me.  



At that moment I realized that I needed to know for sure whether my dog was retarded or not.  

I Googled "how to tell if your dog is retarded" and after a bit of research, I found a dog IQ test that looked fairly legitimate.  It involved testing your dog's ability to solve a few very basic problems, like figuring out how to get out from underneath a blanket. 

I gathered the necessary supplies and began testing.  

The first test asked me to call my dog using a variety of words that were not her name to gauge whether she could tell the difference.  I called out "refrigerator!" and was pleased to see that my dog did not respond.  She also failed to respond to "movie," "dishwasher" and "banana."  I was beginning to feel  very proud of her.  Then came the crucial step: I called her name.  Nothing.  I called it a few more times to be sure.  Still nothing.  

The words hung like a neon sign broadcasting my dog's failure.  "It's okay," I thought.  "She'll do better on the next one."  

In the second test, I had to put a blanket over my dog and time her to see how long it took her to get out.  I threw the blanket over her and started my stopwatch.  She made some cursory attempts at freeing herself, but as the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she was not going to pass.  


Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she just enjoyed being under there and could get out if she wanted to.  I added an extra couple points to her tally for faith's sake. 

After flagrantly failing three more tests, it came down to the final trial.  If she could score five out of five possible points on this section of the test, she could bump herself out of the bottom category into "below average."  

First, I had to make her sit, which was a test in and of itself.  Then I was supposed to show her a biscuit, let her sniff it, then - after making sure she was watching - place the biscuit on the ground and put a plastic cup over it.  If she knocked over the cup to get the biscuit within a certain amount of time, she'd pass the test.  

I put the biscuit under the cup and started the timer.  

My dog ran over to the cup and sniffed it.  She walked around it once and then looked up at me like I was some sort of wizard.  I pointed to the cup.  I knew it was cheating, but I wanted to help my dog pass her test.  


She didn't understand, but she knew she was supposed to do something, so she just started frantically doing things because maybe - just maybe - one of those things would be the right thing and the magical wizard cup would let her know where the treat went.  

 

After five minutes of watching my dog aimlessly tear around the house, I finally accepted that she was not going to pass any part of the test and yes, she was most likely mentally challenged.  But damn it, I was not going to let my poor, retarded dog feel like she failed.  

868 comments:

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D. Og said...

Consistency should also be practiced by the owner and all members of the family that interact with the dog. The same commands should be used by all so as not to cause the dog some confusion.

THE SNEE said...

Is there a test like this for fish and children? Your post literally cracked me up- loved the illustrations!

Andi said...

Aww that's sad. But at least she has you to love her.

Emma said...

My dog also licks the carpet. All the time. I don't get it.

oh, catherine... said...

Do these tests work on children?

Jen said...

Yeaaah, so I was literally laughing so hard, but trying to cover it up, that my coworkers thought i was having some kind of spontaneous asthma attack.

I'm going to have to stop reading your blog at work! Or just...you know...get a fake inhaler to cover it up. :D

Anonymous said...

OH GOD!!! I have to say, that definitely trumps the fish story. Any time there was a picture of your dog, I would literally and immediately go into a laughing fit. Keep on doing what you're doing, because doing this blog is so much better being an adult and finding real job.

Cindybird said...

Allie,

I love your sense of humor and unique look at things, but this one is so far the best!

I'm also feeling better knowing that my foster greyhound is not the only one that is like this. I tried these tests and he failed every one of them. He had the same reaction to the bisket under the cup thing too. My other grey just walked over to it and was like "it's right HERE, stupid!"

Since you have coonhound that might have some grey in it, it's most likely what they call a lurcher.

I think my vet said it best when she said "He's OK, he just has 'issues'"

Keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...

This post is GREAT! It reminds me of this lab mix we rescued and re-homed a year or so ago...we affectionately referred to her as a 'big pile of dumb'...but, at least your dog isn't an evil genius like my chihuahua terrier concoction. I've watched her unzip a backpack, take a treat sealed in a ziplock bag, and actually unzip the ziplock bag to get the treat. The downside is that this level of intelligence comes with an unparalleled degree of cunning and vengeance. I must pay dearly for every perceived slight. :) I am thankful daily that she is short and does not have opposable thumbs. :)

Lindsey P said...

Oh lord, your face in all of these is hysterical.

Unknown said...

This post made me laugh out loud, over and over! Dog is beautifully illustrated, too. Really captures the personality.

Irate Irrelevance said...

Wow, it's a good thing she's not forced to survive in the wild.

Alex McNeice said...

Hey I found you cos you're on The Daily What!!! I love your dog post. I just love your dog so much! What a cutie!

Guru said...

Oh yes, that is hilarious!

g said...

There are other possibilities to consider: 1. Your dog is a genius (you cant fathom the complexity of her thought process so you think her regarded) 2. All this time, while you thought you were testing her, she was testing you (and has reached a similar conclusion about you) 3. She acts that way so you can love her (everyone loves a self-deprecating person) 4. She's deaf.

Danielle said...

Soooo hilarious! And adorable! The "wants to please me" frame was a little heartbreaking for sure, my dog totally makes that face too, and she looks sooo devastated when I get annoyed with her. Who can stay mad at that face?!

Anonymous said...

Hello there, discovered your blog a month ago and I do love it.

Sorry to hear about your retarded dog, however walking stairs isn't something dogs should do since it can cause damage on their hips, just wanted to point it out.

Keep up the good work

Katy | showusyourlove.com said...

Omggggggggg, this post made me lol so, so hard.

Laura said...

I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Thank you!
I love the illustrations!

Melissa said...

Awww, she's so cute. Don't look for Cesar Millan, he'll just strangle her with the leash for "disobeying". $50 says she has no idea what sit means...if you don't agree, just flugel and maybe you'll get it. ;-)

Here's a link for clicker training the sit cue. http://www.clickerlessons.com/sitdownstand.htm

You'll make a great trainer for your dog because you love her and want her to succeed. Yeah!

Anonymous said...

Did you adopt an ex-racer Greyhound? Because both of my two act the SAME way and your drawings only seem to support my theory!

Mine were VERY retarded even months after getting them, but they've acclimated nicely.

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like the dog just needs lots of exercise to release pent up anxiety before having it's mind pushed even further.

Is it a terrier? Maybe a JRT or Rat? They need lots of exercise.

Phia Westfall said...

Allie, thank you for your writing -- yet again you've made me laugh stupidly and uncontrollably! It's great to know that I can stop here and read about things your clueless dog, and suddenly my world feels like a much better place...

There have been alot of days when I've been feeling "down" or depressed, and a stop at Hyperbole and a Half has left me happier than I've ever been in this lifetime or any other!

So again, thank you! Keep up the great work.

Nora said...

I love you for scientifically testing your dog, and finding out she's dumber than dirt! Win!

Thomas said...

Mom's mostly hound was as sweet as they come, and a little sad. Scared herself when she farted.

Had a two cats, same litter, like night and day. The big one looked like a mini cougar, but was the sweetest, most lovable child. Once ran into a empty (not very clean) 10 gal. aquarium under the coffee table while racing through the apartment. Bounced off, continued another 10', turned and stared. The look on his face made me laugh and choke back a little sob. Thanks for the memory jog.

Just found your blog today, love it. I'll be back.

christie said...

Don't feel bad. My dog failed the biscuit under the cup test, too. She pushed it around with her nose for a few seconds, then sat and stared at me to remove the cup for her. So I tried it with some ham. Less than 5 seconds later my cat had nosed out my dog and was walking away with the ham. The cat hadn't even tipped over the cup. My cat is the wizard. I put another piece of ham under the cup and my dog finally felt it was worth it to move the cup for her treat. She is currently grateful, because she doesn't usually get ham. I gave her the biscuit as a reward for getting the ham from the cup.

TheRedQueen said...

Honestly, you'd probably change your mind if you read "Culture Clash" by Jean Donaldson...or "The Other End of the Leash" by Dr. Patricia McConnell...books by smart, educated dog behaviorists that KNOW what they are doing...unlike Cesar Millan.

love-v said...

I am crying from laughter. Your dog is lucky to have you.

oni said...

I lurve you allie. you made me GOL (giggle out loud).

Amy R said...

Maybe your dog is deaf, and selectively blind. Unreal that she didn't just tip the cup over to get the treat.

Very Very Funny Post! Great dog drawings!

Thank you SO MUCH!!!

tnd8863 said...

Allie, do you subscribe to your comments via RSS?? There were two subscribers on Google Reader, now I'm the only one.

Nidonemo said...

Awww special needs pets need the most love. I'm sure your dog loves you no matter what mental capacity. :)

Anonymous said...

If she is part Greyhound, I can guarantee you that's where the stupid is from. Coonhounds tend to be smart, Greyhounds vary a LOT. We used to have a Greyhound (my baby, loved her to bits) who was dumb as dirt. My grandmother used to call her "The Supermodel" because she was gorgeous and stately but had nothing between her ears. Supposedly Greyhounds are bad with stairs because they're kept in kennels on the track and never see stairs, but now I'm wondering if it's just a hereditary thing...

Anonymous said...

Even if you've trained dogs before, if you haven't tried clicker training, it might be worth a shot, especially if your dog is panicking under pressure. To start with the clicker, you click and immediately give a treat (a good one, like tiny bits of boiled chicken) when you catch the dog doing something desirable. Say you'd like her to sit down quietly next to you. If she comes and sits down beside you, you click and treat. Next time she comes and sits down beside you, you click and treat. No command, no pressure--she's doing this just randomly. The dog will eventually (hopefully!) understand that she will get positive feedback (the click and the treat) for sitting quietly beside you. And you go from there. A decent book to get started is Clicking With Your Dog by Peggy Tillman.

Elf said...

My 4th dog was the sweetest, most loving little guy. But I also referred to him (out of his hearing) as pea-brain, because that's about how large it was. All of my other 5 dogs to date learned how to Shake in one session. It took him 6 months. All of that, however, did not stand in the way of him eventually earning championships in four different dog agility organizations, some of them multiple times over. It just took a little more patience. And he was still going strong at age 15 until the day he died. (P.S. I don't hold much by the intelligence tests--my husky, who was smart enough to figure out how to get out of ANYthing--legendary in her time--didn't give a hoot whether there was a blanket over her head or a treat under a cup. Smarts sometimes show up in different ways than you'd expect.)

Terry G. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Terry G. said...

The above comment hates me and didn't enjoy posting my name attached, so this is now intended to fulfill your undying need to know who I am. Because I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M CREEPY. And maybe I live in your Meth Cellar <3

Terry G. said...

Nevermind, I just re-posted as a normal god damn human being with a lack of technological savvy-ness (is that fucking word.. ?) because I'm knee deep in an Ambien coma.

=======

You inspired my roommate and myself to give our ridiculous pug an IQ test inspired by Google and all of it's IQ-ey genius.

I regret to inform that, for whatever reason, our dog is officially "an Afghan". The lowest possible level available on the scale of smartfacedogfuckineedasmarteranimal. We even decided to use a clear cup to put the treat under just to give the little bastard a fair chance, and Mister Beefy (yeah, that's the pug monster's name) continued to stare and tilt it's head in a rather similar fashion to your escalator-challenged canine.

When I get my new phone with the HD camcorder next week, I'm going to attempt to document this madness and post it. Be warned, the stupid may be contagious. I'm pretty sure I can no longer do math.

Love Love Love your posts, lovely~ Keep making me giggle, and I will keep attempting to video tape our obnoxious creature for you.

Anonymous said...

I think this is the best thing you have ever written

Unknown said...

I only recently found your blog, and all I can say is that it is SERIOUSLY dangerous to read at work! From one Allie to another, keep up the hilarity!

Alan said...

None of it matters. She loves you.

Anonymous said...

I have a beagle who is about 12 years old, and he licks the floor. A lot. Like, he licks it all day, every day and he always has. It's ridiculous. We have no clue why he licks it, he just does. He also licks his bed/pillow, which is fine. We try to get him to lick that instead of licking the floor.

Liz said...

Ha, I love this post, especially the part about sitting. My dog tilts his head like it's his job. "Sit, Hudson." "Say whaaaaaaat?"

As for intelligence...I don't know. He definitely has /some/ cunning. Yesterday he opened the lazy Susan and stole a Special K bar that we eventually retrieved.

Or so we THOUGHT until later that afternoon when we caught my sister chasing after him for another bar. And again ten minutes later for yet another bar. Lo and behold, he buried a good five Special K bars throughout the house.

Good boy, Hudson, good boy.

Ginger Kid Studios said...

Haha, this post was even more outlandishly funny than usual because I happen to have had a legitimately retarded dog myself.

She would eat anything, and I mean anything, she was happily munching on a glass bottle one time until I took it (well about 4/5 of it, she had actually eaten the rest) away from her.

She also was endlessly fascinated by an ant on the ceiling. So much so that she kept her eyes locked on the thing even when doing so caused her to walk into the coffee table and then the couch. She struggled valiantly, hoping the couch would understand her plight and move out of the way but, alas, furniture does not have such a capacity for understanding.

Although on the plus side, a lot of dogs have trouble with stairs, it's mostly just if they haven't had to deal with them much before they get scared that they'll fall.

And teaching a retarded dog to properly utilize stairs is dangerous once they realize that they can hang out in the space between someone's legs.. I cannot tell you how many times Sadie (the dog I previously mentioned) decided that the quickest path down the stairs would be to run full-speed between my legs.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the novel I've posted here. I'm considering sending it to a publisher, it's titled "How I Bored Allie to Tears."

Ginger Kid Studios said...

Oh, and just because I'm a nerd, scientists discovered that dogs respond almost twice as well to commands in German. Because a guttural language sounds less confusing and ambiguous to them.

Kelsey said...

Ohai. I am your new follower. =D I think you are just lovely. <3

Anonymous said...

Licking the floor didn't seem so odd to me, but then again every time one of my cats goes outside he insists on cleaning the sidewalk/driveway. He'll just sit there and lick and lick. . .and lick. . .and lick. He just needs to do it. I think he has kitty OCD.

awesome post. maybe your doggy will come around in the end. :D

Unknown said...

You make me cackle like a mad genius whenever I read a new post. Thank you.

Ashley Doll said...

My dog eats lotion out of the bottle...

C. said...

Aww, I love your dog! We think our dog is retarded, too. She just lies around and licks stuff. If she's sitting in your lap she licks your arms, if she's not she's either licking a blanket or chewing the carpet. She just sits there and does that for hours. And when she gets excited she drags her bottom along the carpet. She ate a spicy pepper from the table once and ran into the kitchen and drank water for a few minutes, and then she was right back at the table begging for more. x_x

Bratfink said...

When we adopted [took? stole? saved?] the dead kid's cat, and after he started feeling safe enough to get out of the basket he was hiding in, we realized he was a klutz. But the more I watched him the more I thought he was retarded. Now he's more like our idiot-savant cat because he can do one or two things really well.

Maybe yours is just an idiot-savant and you might want to just be happy with that.

Especially if most of the time it doesn't shit in the house.

the lyrical gangsta said...

LOVE your blog - even more so when your soft side peeks through posts such as this (was rooting for your dog throughout her 'test' too)! She's defo one lucky b*tch to have an owner so sweet;)

Perri said...

I love this!

Thanks so much!
Perri

Suburban Guy said...

I'm sorry to hear that. Oh hey, I have to go, my master is about to take me for a walk, I love that because we love sitting in the park and play chess! Woof!

Heather W. said...

So funny!
It must be hard to walk up and down the stairs with four legs!
As for the other issues, I have no comment!
Gotta love those furry creatures!

Pup Fan said...

Of course I totally tried the treat under a cup test after reading this (the blanket wasn't necessary... Bella generally gives up and just stays under it). Unfortunately, she failed that test as well... she can navigate stairs though, so I suppose that's something.

But who cares? I don't love her for her smarts. :)

Nens said...

Awww your dog looks even more special than the Golden Retriever belonging to my parents. Though I can't help wondering if we may have doomed him to a life of specialness by naming him Colin.

Also I finally read all your posts (which are splendid!), which I have never felt compelled to do on any blog ever! So you win AND I win. Though maybe I lose a bit at work as a result.

Rachel said...

My dog licks the floor as well, haha. Do you think maybe your dog could be deaf? That could explain the first test and why she didn't respond. We have had a mentally challenged cat before, and she just acted goofy.

Amy said...

Aww, what an adorable dog. Why do dogs need to be able to escape from blankets anyway, I'd say it's a bit cruel putting a dog under a blanket. Unless you're having a picnic....

xx

don't eat sushi said...

So strange. My mother does the same thing with biscuits.

Anonymous said...

All hope is not lost for your dog! I got my dog from a pound in Poland (where I was living at the time) where he was so sick he almost died and it took 2 years to train him properly because he was such a hyperactive puppy. After that though, he was the most well behaved dog ever up until this year (12 years later) because he has started to go blind and a little senile. I really recommend bonnie bergens guide to bringing out the best in your dog, its the best dog training and dog behavior manual I've found. My dog also does the obsessive licking thing too, and according to the vet its a nervous tick (mine started after the long plane ride to the US, your dog's might be because of what happened with his old home). Also, have you trained your dog to respond to his name yet? You might need to retrain him on that before moving to more 'advanced' commands like stay and sit. I volunteer at a seeing eye puppy training center and some of the dogs took alot longer to learn their names than others. Good luck!!

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! Dumb dogs! Totally unlike cats, or dragons. Can you draw dragons acting like cats?

Speaking of, my cats have a game they call "You don't need this." What they do is hop up onto inappropriate horizontal surfaces, and when they knock something off and break it, well... you don't need this.

Anonymous said...

“she knew she was supposed to do something” — I have trouble picking up that much from members of my own species, so if your dog can sense when a human expects her to do something, wouldn't that in itself make her socially or emotionally intelligent?

Anonymous said...

I needed a good laugh today and that did it. Haha! My youngest cat Ares is the feline equivalent of this dog only instead of licking the floor he licks toes.

Anonymous said...

I needed a good laugh today and that did it. Haha! My youngest cat Ares is the feline equivalent of this dog only instead of licking the floor he licks toes.

Sleeper said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIJ9s95JRZs&feature=related

GhostMonkey- That Funky Monkey said...

I've read this multiple times. And laughed to the point of crying each and every time.

The closest I can come to relating is my smart dog having her dumb moments- like when she gets over excited and forgets all spatial relations. Like where the fridge is. Normally she slams into it with her head, then does the head cock thing with a look on her face the clearly reads "Where the hell did that come from?". Been there for years- long before we got her.

molly said...

hahahahaha that is like my dog. I gave him the same test and he got like a c. thats ok though, gotta love 'em anyways right??

Anonymous said...

In the fifteen years I had my last dog, she wouldn't sit first time everytime on command. I wouldn't have thought of her as "retarded".

Anonymous said...

You'll be thrilled to know the only test my dog passed was the name test. I thought for sure she'd pass the cup test, but alas, mine is retarded too.

Jin said...

I had to create a GIF image of your dog - http://gickr.com/results4/anim_202e8dd1-8bbd-be04-d544-c39d6cdbafd9.gif

Anonymous said...

setup sip voip calls on your nokia n95

Unknown said...

BEST. POST. EVAR. Literally laughing out loud. My own dog was looking like me like I was retarded as I sat by myself with my laptop shaking with giggles.

Tahni said...

I just read this out loud to my mom. I struggled, because I was laughing so hard I was literally crying.

We are no strangers to animals, dogs in particular, and though most of the training took place when I was too young to really recall most of it, I certainly know the "Oh my god, is my pet retarded?" feeling. I have a cat who once almost caught herself on fire...she just kind of looked at the smoking patch of fur like "Huh. Well isn't that strange?" Definitely one of those moments. Needless to say I quickly wiped her down with a wet towel, but she never did get what the big deal was...

Unknown said...

Way to go for taking her in! She sounds a lot like one of my dogs, the silly one that never does anything right. Except mine won't do anything right because she doesn't WANT to listen to me.

angora said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beth Morey said...

This (and you, apparently) is hilarious! Anyway, just wanted to say "hey" from your newest subscriber and fellow Missoulian. :)

HollyBee said...

Oh, oh god... Dammit. I was laughing so hard that with my dry, crackly throat it sounded like I was sobbing. GOOD JOB.

Also, I think my dog is in the same league. She just stands there when I put blankets on her... she is incapable of finding treats I put onto the floor for her (UNCOVERED)... and she has forgotten how to play fetch. Seriously.

Nijntje said...

As a first-time visitor, I have only one word for this blog: Awesome! However, Allie, you put me in a lot of trouble.
I laughed so hard that my girlfriend became worried and came over to see what was wrong. She noticed your blog, and started reading it. At first she laughed as much as me, yet she gradually became more serious. When she was finished, she looked at me (or rather through me) and said: “This woman is writing about you – how does she know you that well?”
I must admit there is an uncanny resemblance; at several occasions, the lady has turned my (tenth) glass of beer upside down, and I’m simply at loss what to do.
Luckily, I then found your relationship tips. So I dressed up not just as a ninja, but as a teenage mutant ninja turtle, and delivered a straight kick to her face. It took the emergency services only half an hour to stop the bleeding, yet she still insisted on leaving me.
Thinking that this was just a phase of denial of her subconscious admiration for me, I then went to her new apartment and set it on fire, as you advised, and carried out a warrior dance brandishing her poodle which I had just strangled with my bare hands.
I am writing this from the psychiatric ward of the prison. Where did I go wrong?

zfzfzfzfzzfzzzzzzzzfzzzzzzzzzz..z.zzz.zzzzzzzzz.............. said...

Hello, I read all your entries and I find your site really interesting and rather entertaining. I hope you don't mind if I add your site as a link?

Madeleine said...

so funny, sad and lovely all at the same time.

Sam said...

YAY you're back! And with a hilarious post(not that I should be surprised by that last part) :D

Lizz said...

lol my dog does the licking thing too. But he is extremely smart... like human-ly smart, so I don't think it's a sign of unintelligence.

I read somewhere that dogs do that to cool themselves off when they are hot, which may explain why my dog licked pillow for a full hour last night - it was reallly warm outside!

irretrievablybroken said...

Oh my fucking god, the best dog drawings ever. Seriously. I'm in awe.

Alexandra said...

My dog made me Google whether eating an entire Duraflame log would kill her. Nope! They're non-toxic!

Miz Dinah said...

Aw, your poor retarded dog. Her redeeming quality must be love. ♥

PS. you crack me up.

that girl said...

oh no. it is a beagle. it is my beagle.

roooo.

Anonymous said...

There are not enough (stumbleupon)"thumbs up" in the world for how hilarious this blog is... Keep up the good work.

hudson said...

1. LOVE THIS BLOG! You had my wife laughing so hard she cried. (I am, of course, a manly man and never cry for any reason.)

2. Some practical advice from a real-life dog trainer (that's me). Instead of Dog Whisperer, start watching "It's Me or the Dog" on Animal Planet. Many more techniques that are more useful to the average person who doesn't have Cesar's timing or experience.

3. Pick up "The Power of Positive Dog Training." It's really the best, most comprehensive but-still-written-for-laymen book on dog training I've seen. Not short, but it's broken into easy to digest sections and covers a lot of territory.

4. Your dog isn't retarded. Neurotic and ADHD maybe, but not retarded. All those things she was doing in order to make the magic cup bring the ball back? Man, I LIVE for dogs like that. You can train her to do ANYTHING, because the more she's offering you, the more she's thinking and the more options you have to reward.

5. Feel free to write me at hudson@bestdogsever.com if you have any questions. A little free advice is the least I can do for all the laughs.

Give her a belly rub for me.

Linda Myers said...

I only have a plastic-sack-eating cat, but I laughed all by myself reading your posts and comments. Thanks for being there, all of you!

Caitlin said...

mocha use to lick the floor too. but she'd do it when she was laying down and it almost would look like she was licking her paw.....but then you would notice it was the floor, like she missed her paw but didn't want you to notice and so she'd pretend it was the floor she was after the whole time.

*sigh* I miss mocha.

but you should definitely think about bringing kellie (kelly?) up to visit me in the woods :o)

Fred Miller said...

You are such a hard-ass. As a superior intelligence, you know damn well that you can give the dog partial credit for not coming when you say "refrigerator", etc. And you can give partial credit if the dog at least moves when you drape the blanket over it. Any movement demonstrates potential. This dog has potential, and you could possibly raise its IQ an appreciable amount. I would caution you that you don't want to raise it's IQ too much. A clever dog is much worse than an impaired dog.

Liam said...

Dog.

Tessa said...

Oh my gosh, I know exactly how you feel Allie! My sister's dog is the same way, although I think that's more because she treats it like an infant. Seriously, it's not house trained, and she actually has a diaper that she has it wear. A DIAPER. Not to mention that the dog's name is Maggie McFrufru. She got that from her tae-kwon-do teacher.

Anonymous said...

This is my official favorite entry from this site :D

Patrick said...

I think you rescued our dog what ran away.

Her name is Fanny.

We don't want her back.

Patrick said...

So I was driving in my car and I passed a U-Haul truck with a big picture of Sacagawea on it and the word "MONTANA!" and a painting of Montana. And I thought "Hey, that's where Allie lives!" Then I was tempted to drive my car into the side of the U-Haul truck and see if it was actually a portal to Montana and I could creepily come and stalk you.

It wasn't a portal to Montana.

Oh, and there was a dog in my backseat. I think he jumped out at some point? I don't know. But that's how this comment relates. Through the dog in the backseat of my car.

Ganesh Jaju said...

Ur cartoons are very nice. They complement your writing style. I am becoming a fan of it!

Anonymous said...

lol Nice, Ally! I'm completely sure that my cat is retarded, as well! He goes all cross-eyes at random intervals, and sometimes forgets to clean himself. Oh, and he'll randomly, every so often, race up to someone and latch onto their arm. By that time, he's just a mass of salivating fat and huge eyes. Poor thing runs into walls all the time, and is scared by small birds. Though, unlike your dog, he does respond to 'refrigerator', though not his name. Oddly enough, he responded to 'Larry' for the good part of the first two years of his life. No idea where he heard that; his name is Magic.

Aren't pets wonderful?

breanna said...

i laughed so hard tears are streaming down my face.
i feel your pain- my cat is also retarded.
she gets stuck behind doors, and will spend hours staring mournfully out frome between the hinges.she also eats pickles.llike the big dill pickles that come with a sandwich? she will steal them and then gnaw on the thing like a bone.

also, i want merch. withthe dog on it.it is too cute.

Ricardo Antonio Cabral M. said...

Hahahaha I tried not to laugh loud because I'm at work... hilarious! :D

megan said...

This rocks! My cat is mentally challenged. We found him and he had a giant head, shakes, and has an Elvis lip, so we took him to the vet. After $2,000 they said he is mentally challenged. Sheesh! I feel like our pets should be friends! :)

megan said...

This rocks! My cat is mentally challenged. We found him and he had a giant head, shakes, and has an Elvis lip, so we took him to the vet. After $2,000 they said he is mentally challenged. Sheesh! I feel like our pets should be friends! :)

Anonymous said...

Greyhounds don't do well at learning "sit" because their body proportions don't allow them to do it easily or without discomfort. Other, similarly-shaped dogs could have the same difficulty.

Greyhound-y body shape also makes navigating stairs awkward.

I love love love your doggy! And your blog! And your drawings!

Kristeline said...

Haha I have a couple of dogs like that. They're pretty ridiculous, but also extremely noisy...

Jordan said...

Allie... the posts are getting less and less frequent.
Still hilarious, yet, but every time I log on after two weeks and see nothing new, my heart breaks a little.
But you know. We have lives. And stuff. Well. I mean. You might.

Anonymous said...

Another thumbs down for Cesar. Try clicker training, it seriously works even for retarded dogs.

In fact, it is the only thing that worked for my parents' retarded spaniel. They actually sent her away to a "professional trainer" when I was younger and she didn't learn a thing. She didn't even learn to Sit until she was 12 and I taught her with clicker training. Dumbest dog ever. Sweet, but dumb.

RachelW said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I've got to say I'm happy I did. This is just too funny and the drawings are fantastic.

However you shouldn't get all bent out of shape over the dog failing the retard test as I have an ex husband who couldn't pass it and he's still making a living for himself.

Free to a Good Home said...

My friend has a cat named George. George likes to lick the windows. It's like a game of "How many licks to get to freedom?"

Free to a Good Home said...

My friend has a cat named George. George likes to lick the windows. It's like a game of "How many licks to get to freedom?"

Kernut the Blond said...

Great. I thought my cat was smart until I read this.

She licks the cloth-covered furniture: couch, chairs, sometimes blankets. This leaves a big, round-ish wet spot. The wet spot often leaves a stain. At least you can pass off your dog's licks as just another random spot on the floor.

My cat's licks look like "accidents" on the furniture. Could be cat, could be human.

Anonymous said...

I didn't read all the comments - but have you checked with your vet to make sure your dog isn't deaf?

Lynsey Newton said...

You've just made me cry with laughter! Thank you!!

Axeela said...

I love this blog!
Do you draw the pictures yourself?
x

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy this blog, but it's my first time commenting because I didn't have anything to contribute.

Firstly, awesome post! Your dog sounds great, and I'm glad you're patient and kind with her. It sounds like you're great with her.

However, I'd agree with a couple of commenters above that Cesar Milan is not a great place to get your dog training advice. Now, everyone has their own opinions on dog training, but all my life I've seen dogs raised with positive reinforcement methods, and they've been happier, more obedient dogs than the ones I've met with dominance training.

I was sent a really good article on the problems with dominance training recently, which specifically references The Dog Whisperer. You can read it here:
http://www.askdryin.com/dominance.php

Good luck with your confused dog!

Dontremb said...

You're actually too funny. I think you're going to break the internet Allie.

Karisa Tells All said...

I like to tell my dog conflicting things to see what she does. She usually just stares at me with her tongue flapping in the breeze because she doesn't know English.

http://karisa-tells-all.blogspot.com/

Tanya said...

I'm pretty sure my dog was a cat in his past life, because it is impossible for a canine to be THAT lazy. He slept all day, ate, and refused to go out for walking. When he saw his leash, he would recoil visibly. It was most depressing for me.

Anonymous said...

I totally need to try this test. I think my dog is retarded too!

Carissa said...

Ohh! That made me laugh even though it's really a sad story. I think my dog has become mildly retarded since she had a huge string of seizures about a month ago, but nowhere near as bad as your dog. Sweet of you to take her in, though!

P.S. I discovered your site like a week ago and have read like... a whole ton of it. I think I spent two or three hours going through all of your pages. You're fantastic. :D

JRM said...

My cat is retarded. No, seriously, neurological disorder and everything. I didn't know this when I adopted her, but she is absolutely the greatest being that ever walked the earth. Retarded animals are the best. I am willing to bet I'd love your retarded dog as well.

Unknown said...

Awww your dog sounds adorable. It took my dog almost a year to finally climb up the stairs. Maybe they can hang out together.

Anonymous said...

I can not stop laughing at the pictures. I have now bookmarked this site for later viewing.

I love Hyperbole and a Half <3

Anonymous said...

This is both the funniest and saddest post I have read in a long time!! I bet your dog is lovable anyway:)

Anonymous said...

reading this made me sad. i have done all those things to my dog at some point and he has also failed. but i think i always knew there was something wrong with him... what kind of normal dog is scared of his own kibble?

Anonymous said...

Omg ur dog is my dog's soulmate!

Aarti said...

hahaha... good one!! am sure if i were to try this test on my mutt, the answer wud pretty much be the same.. he is retarded, but then bah, i already know that!! :D

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard at this that my dog looked at me like I was retarded!

Anonymous said...

The best dog I ever had failed the blanket test. You don't need to be smart to be a very good dog.

We also once had a Newfoundland who failed an inadvertent "get the treat" test- a biscuit went under a small, light stepstool. He could see it, he lay down and gazed at it, he barked at it, but for the life of him, he could not figure out how a 180 lb. animal might access something under a 3lb. wooden stool.

When he died, his ball that you hide a treat in for entertainment still had the original biscuit in it.

Rophro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rophro said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Geoff said...

I'm disturbed by your sharp decline in posts. I can only assume you're asyptotically approaching zero. Bugger.

Maggie said...

Hysterical and spot on

Maggie said...

Hysterical and spot on

Jeni said...

Thank you so much for sharing! I needed to have a smile and a laugh this morning!

Hayley said...

Methinks that last picture needs to be on a shirt. xD It's my favorite in the whole post.

Pip said...

aaaahh I need to try this on my dog. She's also fairly stupid. She likes to jump on our bed, but put a sheet over the edge and suddenly it's like the bed has become Mt. Everest and she has naught but a herring to climb up the great peak.

But eager to please dumb dogs are the best :)

Miss Muddy Paws said...

Hilarious post!!!

There is an award waiting for you on my blog!! TheWetNose.Blogspot.com :)

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

See... That is the difference between a dog and a cat. A cat knows how to pass the test but chooses not to....

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Sorry... the first comment "failed" and didn't show up...

Jill said...

Oh, Allie, I love you. I love that you adopted a rescue dog. I love that you have an animal background (we will forget the fish story at this moment); that you tried so hard with "Dishwasher" and that you love her anyway. You may find that while not "book smart" she may have street smarts. I've had rescue dogs my whole life (4 right now) and I've found that many either have one skill set or the other. Love your stories & drawings they are incredible. Keep it up and good luck with the pup.

Bill said...

My cat says that, "Is my dog retarded?" is a rhetorical question...

Unknown said...

Aw! She seems very nice though!

Anonymous said...

cute funny I can relate to dogs past post with charming art! the licking could be signs of underlying problems

http://veterinarymedicine.dvm360.com/vetmed/article/articleDetail.jsp?id=506866

Megan said...

I found this hilarious. I just went on vacation to Florida a couple weeks ago and spent time with four dogs total. Each of them had different mental capabilities, and I could probably put them in order from a scale on "retarded" to "genius".

KJ said...

i like your blog. it makes me laugh until i have teers squeezing out of my eyes.

thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

wow it's a great story..!!

Anonymous said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying. Love it.

I have a retarded cat named precious. Had her for five years, and just now she lets me pet her without crying.

Rachel 久允 said...

I think I found the test you used, and I wouldn't sweat it if I were you. I stopped reading after seeing the test about interpreting human facial gestures. Dog expressions do NOT equate human expressions, unless you can somehow morph your cheeks and eyes into long, rotating ears and a wagging tail.

If you need to know how to test your dog's intelligence, ask you vet if he knows. As far as working the stairs, you might try setting his food bowl at the opposite end of wherever he is at dinner time. He'll learn. :)

Unknown said...

First off, that was hilarious!

Now my stupidly serious comment:
I see others also mentioned their experiences with deaf dogs. There's no need to take her in for a BAER test, but bang some pots and pans, toot a trombone, etc., and see if she's deaf. Deaf dogs are very trainable but, when rescued, often have no previous training whatsoever because it was assumed that they're dummies. There's a great organization called D2Care (www.D2Care.org) that can help with training suggestions. It only took a few days for my dog to realize that the hand signals I was using meant something. Try banging the floor instead of calling your dogs name and see if she responds to that. Or maybe she's just stupid.

Okay, back to hilarity.

Anonymous said...

We tried the blanket and cup test with our dog. I was under the impression she was at least slightly smart...I was wrong. She flopped over with the blanket and did what your dog did with the cup. She was excited to see the treat then looked completely baffled when it went under the cup. o_0

She's still my super cuddle buddy, even if she's deflated my hopes of having a brilliant dog.

Jenny said...

Holy cow.... I was introduced to your blog a couple months ago and I have not really gotten anything done since. Ok that's not entirely true. But almost.

I have since been going through all of your posts and reading them all, backwards (chronologically), until I get to your very first blog. Does that make sense? Anyway, I got to "Things that totally shouldn't piss me off but that totally actually do" from like, Oct. 2009. The part about jeans was brilliant!

I realized as I went to leave this comment that your blog has obviously become insanely more popular, or people have become way less shy about commenting (myself included) because on that one that I just read, it said like 30-something comments, and this one said SEVEN HUNDRED-something comments. SHIT! How do you read all of the comments?? Well I guess you probably skip over stupid ones like these, for start. I've been rambling about commenting, in a comment. Not cool. I'm sorry.

Anyway I think you are fantastic and you inspired me to start blogging again. If you ever get finished reading your trillion comments, or if you ever get finished reading this novel of a comment, you can look at my blog. . . . if you want to. It's up to you =)

http://howinterestinghowbizarre.blogspot.com/

PS. I realize you probably get links from people seeking affirmation from you every 5 minutes, on the minute, and probably most of them are really dumb. I would like to think that mine isn't really dumb, but who knows, people go on American Idol thinking they can sing then they sound like a dying cat. Well if it means anything to you, I can indeed carry a tune.

Ok I'm done now. Thanks for being hilarious.

J.L. Jamieson said...

My cat is dumb, too. She hits her head when running under furniture, and continually falls off things trying to get your attention. Like I'll pet her while she's sitting on the back of the sofa, and she'll roll over so I can pet her belly...and inadvertently roll right off the back of the couch. She's always knocking stuff over, falling, or missing jumps. She gets into paces, and cries when she cant figure out how to get out.

The Darkmage said...

I love this column!
Dogs are the best pets. My dog is actually quite worryingly clever, yet still acts retarded a lot of the time.
Your dog doesn't have to be smart to be AWESOME! :)

Ben said...

I sent the link to this to friend because I kept telling her that her dogs were retarded but she wouldn't believe me. Now I have illustrated, anecdotal proof! The best kind.
Also I have spent SO many hours of my life reading through your archive and am up to October 2009 which was when you were still indie and cool and I wish I was one of your fans back then because they all seemed cool also. I laugh that then you had 1500 unique hits and now you have 1000 comments on one post. That's amazing and i'm glad all your dreams are coming true because you have obviously put your heart and soul into this blog.
Never stop being the coolest person on the internet please.
Thanks.

Anonymous said...

this is so familiar, especially because your drawings are very similar to my silly little dog. my dog isnt COMPLETELY dumb, mostly ignorant

Moira said...

Your blog is terrific. I just featured you on Dog Art Today with a rave review and a bit of jealousy...

http://dreamdogsart.typepad.com/art/2010/07/dog-story-at-hyperbole-and-a-half.html

VA said...

I do believe this is one of the best blogs in the history of the logging of internet shenanigans. I have snorted no fewer than 823 times whilst reading, and I should know as I keep track of such things. I have added myself to your list of followers; I'm not entirely certain how many you have, but considering this post has 1300+ comments, I'm sure there are enough to qualify as a trudging mob chanting your name, ala 'The Mummy' in which the trudging mob chanted "IM-HO-TEP."

In conclusion, carry on my wayward female son. You have inspired me to ramble on in my own place, and that even if no one reads it other than myself and people to whom I directly link it, it is still rather therapeutic.

VA said...

Hmm. It said 1300+ comments when I commented before, now it's back to 768. In any case, that's still worthy of a trudging mob.

P.E.B.K.A.D. said...

WOOOOO new post! i was missing your hilarity!

Anonymous said...

Allie, tell the truth - are you me? Now you've even drawn my super-sweet dog. Her expressions and everything. Do you have Kita?

Anonymous said...

One more thing - you know I love you, but could you please prohibit the use of the word 'literally' from all comments? (Except this one. Gotcha evil logic loop.)

Unknown said...

last night i administered this same test to my dog. when we got to the blanket part, she took off running, still covered in the blanket, to her dogbed in the next room. she did manage to dodge the cabinets and fridge. so... a draw?

Anonymous said...

You are an exceptional artist! You capture your dog's attitude with great joy and looseness, and I'm so desperately jealous. Yay, keep it up.

Anonymous said...

My dog spent much of her puppyhood barking at her reflection in the window. Her sister, a supposibly intelligent dog- a bordercollie, attacked a speeding train and cost us $2,000 dollars in hospital bills.

Jenni said...

Cesar Millan sucks ass and you need to quit blaming the poor dog and read a book. Try Tamar Geller's The Loved Dog. It's all you- not the dog- just you.

Anonymous said...

Allie,

I adopted a dog that had her skull broken before I adopted her. She is partially paralyzed on one side of her head/face. She truly is brain damaged. It only took me 2 years to teach her the "down" command. There is hope!

Val said...

oh this is beyond hilarious. i did the blanket test for my dogs too. the poodle passed! my terrier, however... he didn't even try, just went to sleep.

http://thegirlwhocantshutup.blogspot.com/

Stacey H said...

hahaha you made my day! :)

Stacey H said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryo said...

Wow, Allie, you ARE creepy, hunting down your haters on Google Street View (cf. your comment on Bloggess)! But if I had to have anybody get creepy on me, I'd want it to be you. Thanks for all the laughs!

Melted Crayons said...

It's been 8 days! Are you dead? I hope not, because you are the only funny I have.

Rosemary Cottage said...

Came here via the F word to your shower products for men post which was very funny and clever.

And then my heart sank when I read this post and realised that you were using an ableist word that many people with disabilities have been campaigning for a while now to stop people using. And not one of your commenters pointed this out, either.

http://www.r-word.org/

You could have said "my dog has special needs" or "my dog is differently abled" or - well there are half a dozen other things you could have said. But, no, "retarded" was your choice.

*sigh*

Maybe you didn't realise that the word "retarded" is now considered an out of date (defunct medical term) and hurtful word. Well, it is. You might only be talking about your dog, but looking at some of your commenters (e.g. the one who said they might google "am I retarded" - oh, har-de-har so very amusing) they have taken your use as the word as carte blanche that it's somehow okay.

Most people when tackled on their offensive language either excuse it "hey, I was talking about my dog!", tell the person who pointed it out that they should "lighten up!" or "get a life!" or worst of all, justify it "but retard just means in my dictionary to 'slow down' or 'impede progress' so it's fine for me to use the word!".

Occasionally, some people realise that their language is offensive and change it. I wonder which one you are?

Liv said...

Maybe your dog is deaf?

Beans said...

I used to think my youngest dog was mentally challenged, but then she proved to be an evil genius who played dumb.

Your post reminded me greatly of attempting to do ANYTHING with her with regards to training though.

Anonymous said...

I saw an article today that might be relevant to the licking -- "Dog's obsessive licking of tile floor might indicate a diet deficiency" (Washington Post):

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/13/AR2010071305821.html?nav=hcmoduletmv

Caitie said...

Diagnosis: definitely learning impaired. I am basically qualified to give you this diagnosis because I've spent a lot of time at the vet's office having him peer between the ears of my cat, squinting to figure out what's up. 'What's up' is there's not a lot between those ears, but what my cat lacks in smarts he makes up for in being cute.

And let's face it: having a good face always gets you farther in life than being smart. Am I right!

Laura and company said...

Glad to see another post. I had almost given up on you. My dog licks the floor, too.

Randa and Oscar said...

You now have a new fan. Well a couple new fans. I just haven't commented before. But my almost 4 year old LOVED this post. And is now begging to look at it again. He thinks your "puppy is silly"

adrienne said...

I totally gave my dog this same test! He actually managed to get a 5 on some of them but came running when I yelled "refridgerator!" And no his name is not refridgerator haha.

booboo said...

Yeah. My Golden walked around and bumped into things, yet the towel never came off. *Sigh*

booboo said...

Yeah. My Golden walked around and bumped into things, yet the towel never came off. *Sigh*

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know that for the past week or so I've been doing the same head-turn thing that you drew your dog doing when you were trying to get him to sit. I haven't gone as far as to lie on the ground though... yet. Anyway, it's awkward because I've randomly started doing this with people who haven't read your blog post - actually, maybe they have - but they don't know I'm doing the head turn because I read your blog - so they just think I'm really strange. Haha.

Unknown said...

I've always figured my pit bull is less stupid than stubborn and lazy. His attitude seems to be, "Sure, I heard you call my name, but I'm comfortable here on the couch and don't want to move." But this week I learned he's also a coward when a roving gang of preschoolers broke into my backyard and this 65 lbs of pure muscle huddled in terror up against the back door. He'll bark his fool head off at anyone who dares walk past our front porch, but random children terrify him. Poor puppy.

Kim Campbell said...

I think our dog's are related...

Seastone said...

My Great Dane is incredibly intelligent. She is quite certain that she is a human, and behaves as such. At the dog park, she goes to greet the owners and almost ignores the other dogs (who she thinks are a little unhinged). She has an incredible understanding of English and probably knows well over 100 words.

And then there's our new dog who we adopted last month. He's a smart enough cookie... sometimes. He learned to shake in four tries and plays fetch with relish, but also chases his tail until he's so dizzy he falls down and then sits extremely awkwardly to hold the offending appendage down with his paws while he attacks it. I love him so much.

All dogs are wonderful, regardless of their intelligence levels and other faults. As long as they have a loving home, everything will turn out well. :)

Nateal Falk said...

I like to think that my dog isn't retarded. In fact, he passed his puppy obedience class, so I like to think he's my little genius.

Except for the fact that he doesn't seem to understand that a hissing cat is a BAD THING to keep nipping at.

Seriously, he'll sit there and bound back and forth with this stupid puppy grin on his face, trying to get our cat to play with him, and the cat just lies there and hisses and growls and eventually SCREAMS at him, but he just thinks it's more invitation to play.

One of these days, he's going to get his eyes scratched out, I swear. >.<

Anonymous said...

This is amazing...

Gillie said...

This reminded me of the only dog I've ever had, who was sweet and cuddly and desperate to please us, but dumb as a bag of rubber hammers.

She was an Italian Greyhound. (So I was another "Huh! Cool! Allie also has an Italian Greyhound!"

BCS said...

I just recently found your blog and started from the beginning and read the all. You may or may not be (but actually are) the reason that I need to start putting pictures into my blog. Except I am horrible at drawing in paint, so your drawings are an inspiration to me. haha.

Jeremy said...

As of today I have read every one of your blog posts. Now I'm starting to question my reason for living as there are no more entertaining anecdotes to distract me from real world grown up stuff. Love your stuff.

Cami said...

I think this may be the funniest thing I've ever read. Gotta love those not-so-smart dogs!

Deanna Taylor said...

LOL Oh jeez, I have a dog JUST like this. She is my fiance's ex-wife's dog. She was raised in a cage, and never let out.. Plus she had some major seizures when she was a puppy. I think the dog is actually brain damaged, it took me 6 months to teach her "stay" and still only gets the jyst of it. She licks the floor, and pretty much does all those same thing. She also is afraid of everything (like a grocery bag blowing in the wind, or the red eye light on my digital camera).. Bad thing is, she's also GIANT, like 100+lbs, border collie/husky/lab mix.. She's a good dog, just impossible to handle sometimes (I'm 8 months pregnant... I can't take her out anymore, I don't need to be dragged face first into a fence right now)

Unknown said...

This is the very first post I read on this blog. I read it on 7/15/10, and have continued to read many of your previous posts.
Just to let you know, I found this blog because is was posted on PointlessSites.com. You should tell everyone to vote for your blog so you make the month's Top 10. It is truly amazing!

Library Lady said...

Oh man, this is hilarious. I almost wish my dog weren't so smart (and BAD) though. She'd totally pass the cup test, it took her only two whole minutes to figure out if she nudged the lid on her dog food bin she could open it, stick her head in, and chow down. The blanket test is also easily predictable. She'd get out from underneath it in a moment of psychotic fury and then proceed to rip it to shreds. I'd prefer a stupid dog to the monster Frankendog I have, but alas, she's still cute, even when she's ripping the carpet off the floor and chewing on the baseboards.

Unknown said...

I have recently discovered your blog, and am having a great time reading your posts. I realized today that when I receive illegible or barely legible paperwork, I tilt my had to the side like your drawings. As I ruminated today, peering at the computer screen and tilting my head to the side, I began to realize I have a problem. The illegible thing never magically becomes legible by the change in perspective--why do this? I have been worrying that I may be retarded lately, and now I have pretty much diagnosed myself from this blog. Your site is now one of those sites useful for diagnostic testing! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Oh god, that reminds me of my late dog, Mr. Bone.
He could NEVER pass the blanket test.

Skelechicken said...

I discovered your fish story on Stumble, gave it a thumbs up,and went about my merry way. This was about a month ago. I stumbled again yesterday and saw this particular story. I noticed a pattern, namely you being hilarious, and decided I wanted more. I am, as we speak (or I type) reading my way through the archives from the back forward. I have literally put the rest of my life on hold while I work my way through oceans of funny. Keep up the good work, you're amazing. Oh, and for the sake of relevancy to this post, I tried these tests on my dogs. One passed but one failed pretty miserably. He always was the underachiever though.

Rebecca said...

Just discovered your blog through the bloggers choice awards - amazing! Actually CRIED sweet tears of joy as I laughed histerically along with your oh so familiar tales of canine frustration! Love the drawings - you have my vote!

SnipingMizzy said...

@ Annabelle: No Cesar Milan, please. He would probably make that poor timid dog worse.

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