Cake Versus Pie: A Scientific Approach

I love cake.  Cake is wonderful.  But it is too easy to get caught up in the idea of cake.  When you compare the data, it is clear that pie is a better choice.  

1.  Ability of enjoyment to be sustained over time

The first few mouthfuls of cake are almost magical, but as eating continues, enjoyment drops off precipitously.  The enjoyment curve for pie appears to be much more stable over time.  

2.  Unequal frosting distribution is a problem

Pie exhibits much greater homogeneity than cake.  In cake, the highest concentration of awesomeness is found in the frosting.  The act of decorating a cake can polarize it and cause a dangerously uneven distribution of frosting, leading to discord and animosity during serving time.   

3.  Pie appears to contain a greater relative volume of enjoyable substances.  

4.  Pie is more scientifically versatile:

5.  Pie is relevant in a greater variety of situations:

Cake is appropriate in a very limited number of situations, whereas almost any day is a great day to have pie.  

6. Cake has much more severe, longer lasting consequences than pie:

UPDATE:  It's too early to tell whether this hybridization is the best idea ever or just dangerous and foolish:

Most likely it will either solve all the problems in the world or end humanity in a hyperglycemic blaze of glory. 

U B Hatin'

Hi haters!  Welcome to my blog!

I seem to be rapidly approaching my goal of becoming an important part of the internet because I woke up this morning to a string of badly misspelled hate mail and syntax-free angry comments.  Normally, this would have made me crumple into a heap of trembling anxiety and self-hatred, but for the last few weeks, I have been secretly training to withstand superhuman amounts of hatred by hitting myself in the face with a bag full of bird carcasses, so I'm ready for this.

First of all, congratulations for noticing that I draw pictures!  Apparently, other people draw pictures too!  I know this because you have kindly informed me that I am copying Natalie Dee, XKCD, The Oatmeal, Nicholas Gurewitch and several 4Chan memes.

While I must admit to being influenced by all of those sources, I feel that the diversity and breadth of your accusations prove that I am not copying any one of them.  Also, I don't know if you've ever drawn anything, but there are a limited number of ways to draw a face.  I could draw something like this:

But that picture doesn't really make any sense.  No one would understand what I was even trying to do. 

Haters, you also pointed out that I wrote about cake and pie and that other people in the world have written about cake and pie too.  This is true.  I am sorry that I talked about something that other people have talked about before.  Please allow me to apologize by providing a preview of what it would look like if I only posted unique combinations of words that had never been talked about before:

That was stupid.  No one wants to read about that because it has no context and it doesn't even have any sentence-structure. I will never, ever, EVER intentionally copy someone else's work, but the internet is really big and no matter what precautions I take, chances are good that I will say something at some point that has been said before. That's just how statistics work. I am sorry.

Anyway, I have been told that if I want to do lots of shit on the internet and have lots of people see it, I will have to deal with haters.  Forever.  Luckily, I wrote this post and every time I get an email accusing me of stealing something or telling me that I suck or that I'm going to hell for swearing, I can simply reply with a link and then go about the rest of my day doing important things like blogging about pie and drawing pictures of bears.

P.S.  In the interest of fairness, I feel that I should also mention the overwhelming amount of positive feedback I've gotten in the last few days.  For every hate-filled email or comment I've received, there have been at least 100 supportive and wonderful emails/comments.  Even my rigorous hatred-withstanding training could not have gotten me through this without you guys.  Thank you.  You make me love the internet so much that my face hurts.

Land Sharks: Why We're All Fucked. *UPDATED*

I wrote another topic post for Cracked.com today.  Because I desperately need money and famousness.  And maybe I can get a real job there someday.  Especially if I use my newfound source of celebrity to stage my own death and then magically revive myself and offer to write a weekly column about my experience of the afterlife.  SNEAK PREVIEW:  There's lots of pie and everyone gets pillow-top mattresses.  And it's Christmas AND your birthday every day but your parents don't try to swindle you out of presents by celebrating both of these special days with only a single gift-giving session.

Anyway, if you liked my article on bears and you want to read a similar but way more awesome article on Land Sharks, go HERE.

Also, I've been reading up on blogging success-strategies and apparently I'm supposed to explicitly encourage you guys to subscribe to my blog.  So consider yourself explicitly encouraged.  The "Subscribe" button is in the upper right-hand corner, just below my blog heading.  I think you just click it and then click something else and then you get email notifications whenever I write something new.  Until they invent blog-update pagers, this is the best I can do to give you instant updates.

I guess I'm also supposed to encourage you to "be evangelical" about my blog. Whatever that means.  If you can figure out how to do it, it will supposedly help me become famous enough to blog for a living and then I can entertain you forever without having to worry about stuff like how I'm going to survive the winter.

I read about a lot of other things I'm supposed to do if I ever hope to get rich and famous from my blog, but I don't know how comfortable I would be with implementing tips like "create controversy" and "optimize your post titles for search engines."  I'm not about to start writing posts like "101 Ways To Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby For $39 or Less!"* So I'll just stick with asking you to subscribe and "be evangelical."

*God forbid I start showing up on Google for that sentence.

UPDATE #1: You guys... it's like you are trying to make Google think I'm a bad person:

UPDATE #WTF YOU GUYS?:

Seriously?

The list of terms for which I am ranked first on google is growing.  So far, these are the subjects for which I am widely considered to be the best source of information:

"Mandatory Sex Party"

"Jessica Alba cat diarrhea"

"101 Ways To Abort Your Gay-Married, Al-Qaeda-Loving Baby For $39 or Less!"

"Masturbate by sticking hermit crabs up their pee hole"

Do you realize that if I had AdSense, my blog would be riddled with ads for hentai?  Don't google that.  Okay, google it, but don't blame me when you become addicted to anime porn and beastiality simultaneously.

P.S.  SpellCheck doesn't know the word "beastiality."  OR the word "hentai."  That's probably a positive sign for the world.