Adventures in Depression

Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason.


It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."

But my sadness didn't have a purpose.  Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.


Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.

And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself.


Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. "That will do," I thought. "I've had my fun, let's move on to something else now." But the sadness didn't go away.

I tried to force myself to not be sad.


But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work. 


When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a final, desperate attempt to regain power over myself, I turned to shame as a sort of motivational tool.

 

But, since I was depressed, this tactic was less inspirational and more just a way to oppress myself with hatred.


Which made me more sad. 


Which then made me more frustrated and abusive.


And that made me even more sad, and so on and so forth until the only way to adequately express my sadness was to crawl very slowly across the floor.


The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.


I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.


Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

I couldn't even muster up the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore.


I just drifted around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.


If my life was a movie, the turning point of my depression would have been inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled epiphanies about discovering my true self and I would conquer my demons and go on to live out the rest of my life in happiness.

Instead, my turning point mostly hinged upon the fact that I had rented some movies and then I didn't return them for too long.

The late fees had reached the point where the injustice of paying any more than I already owed outweighed my apathy. I considered just keeping the movies and never going to the video store again, but then I remembered that I still wanted to re-watch Jumanji.

I put on some clothes, put the movies in my backpack and biked to the video store. It was the slowest, most resentful bike ride ever.


And when I arrived, I found out that they didn't even have Jumanji in.

Just as I was debating whether I should settle on a movie that wasn't Jumanji or go home and stare in abject silence, I noticed a woman looking at me weirdly from a couple rows over.


She was probably looking at me that way because I looked really, really depressed and I was dressed like an eskimo vagrant.

Normally, I would have felt an instant, crushing sense of self-consciousness, but instead, I felt nothing.



I've always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally - finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji.

I felt invincible.


And thus began a tiny rebellion.


Then I swooped out of there like the Batman and biked home in a blaze of defiant glory.


And that's how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.

4,264 comments:

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Ellie said...

Allie, you are one of the bestest bestest people in the world. It sounds like you had a horrible time of it, but your fear-proof exoskeleton is looking beautiful and shiny.

Lisa said...

{{{{Allie}}}} Thank you for sharing your experiences! I know your post will touch a chord in many.

Anonymous said...

From a psychological perspective, this is funny AND SO RIGHT ON. Pat yourself on the back knowing that this will be shared in psych groups throughout the land.

matt. said...

I've done this exact thing, before. Well, almost exactly - I rented a bunch of porn, and cried into six theater-sized boxes of Dots until I was convinced that women really don't love Ron Jeremy.

Jacqueline said...

wow.
took my breath away.
stunning.

wow

Sheila said...

I sincerely hope that this blog post describes events that are long past (given people don't usually bike to the video store in the post-Netflix age) and that you've gotten help since then.

asexualspace said...

I almost cried while I was reading this because I could relate to it so bad. It always seems like there's someone who has it worse out there. But when you're depressed, you're depressed, and you're still in pain and feeling lonely and like you can't do anything. "I feel like a computer" is so accurate to the way I felt for months this summer -- but "I feel dead inside," as a detached observation, was the way I usually phrased it to myself. Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you're doing okay.

Jo and the Novelist said...

This made me cry with laughter. And I'm so sorry you've been feeling so down.

But know that you are truely awesome.

Zack said...

Hey,

I just wanted to say how much I Love H&AH, and this piece in particular resonated very much with me... It's a bit more serious than your others, but my girlfriend suffers from depression and often gets anxiety attacks, and in its own silly way your post here makes it somewhat easier for me to understand how she feels.

Keep on rock'n!

Anonymous said...

I can relate! Just like so many other people who have read this. I take meds for my depression but some days just dealing with the kiddo is enough. Hope you get to feeling better.

deeppyre said...

Aw HELL yeah!!! That was the most existential/inspirational story I have heard in a long time. I think it was like Albert Camus "The Stranger".

I think that I will remember this story, and return here when I feel depressed. I am actually tearing up a little due to the inspirational nature of your story.

hjoyferg said...

It's kind of like you had a camera in my house for the last few months.... except I haven't gotten to the video store yet. :9

Glad you've come back to us...

Ivey said...

So brave of you. So, so brave. Thank you. <3

Marcia said...

THANK YOU, ALLIE, for writing MY story! I'm so glad you've come out the other side. Have some Skittles on me and welcome back!

Steph. said...

I'm glad to see you're back and posting. Thank you for sharing something that I have tried without end to explain to other people.

Thanks for making me feel less crazy.

HungoverEngie said...

While I'm failig to write it in a clever way, I think you're super awesome. :)

Charlotte said...

Oh, Allie! I don't know you but I feel like I love you? Shhhh let me hug you. This was a super awesome and honest post. You are fantastic. Don't let the inner critic win.

narwhal. said...

I'm jealous of your not-giving-a-fuck-ness. I want it. Well done for pulling through, stay hilarious. :D

Lizington said...

Been there, done that. More than once.
Glad to see you've come out the other side, I was starting to get worried!

Anonymous said...

You're BACK!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....
by the way, Jumanji was totally on tv last week.

Poe's Thoughts said...

I'm so glad you're back, but sad that you went through that. Just remember, this too shall pass. Til then, enjoy the skittles and the movies, and thanks so much for posting. You were missed!!!

Cody L said...

I think you're an amazing person with a beautiful heart and I know that you will rock at life and continue winning at the internet starting like now. I can't wait for that book and I am glad you are starting to feel better.

P.S. You deal with depression in the most adorable and awesome way yet

P.P.S. I think you're icy chill.

P.P.P.S. I feel like I put too many "P.S."'s

Anonymous said...

It's wonderful to see you back!
I'm sorry to hear you were hurting, but I'm glad you're feeling better?

Anonymous said...

Like so many others, I missed your posts and can strongly relate to this one. I actually went to your facebook page this morning wishing there was a post. I can't even describe how much joy and hilarity you brought to my life with the one on social entrapment!!!

Monique said...

Good for you fighting back against the depression monster! When I was depressed the self-loathing started to turn into fantasizing about killing myself, and then it was all I could think about until I realized there was no way to do it without making my mom cry, so then I dragged myself to a therapist. And for the last 10 years I've been taking anti-depressants which means I only wake up with that irrational nameless dread and the certainty that strangers hate me when I'm about to get my period, and then I know it's temporary. Your exoskeleton sounds pretty cool though. Perhaps if you combined it with brain chemistry drugs you would be a super dynamo?

frosting said...

Can totally relate. I'm not at "might touch a spider" yet though. I'm going back to my cube corner now...

Poochie said...

I'm so sorry you were depressed. I've had depression episodes two times and they were pretty f-ing horrible. I hope you are on the mend and know that there are tons of folks here wishing you well and sending you good thoughts!!!

Do what you need to do for you.

Anonymous said...

Y'know, after having a truly awful day, your post has given me enough strength to keep going. I honestly know exactly how you felt in this- thank you for sharing it.

mellyric said...

I don't have any "omg I can relate" or super thoughtful words of wisdom or anything, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad to see you writing here again. I missed it.

Anonymous said...

Very poignant, funny, and accurate description of depression. I hope you are on the rebound, or getting help, or enjoying hypomania, or whatever you most need right now.

Wincey said...

I've been through all that, and could really relate to the laundry on the couch thing! I was depressed for so long that my entire house looked like the apathetic giving-up laundry couch, and I'm still trying to deal with the results of that, after a year in more-or-less recovery. Still, it's a vast improvement.

If you haven't done it, I'd suggest seeing a therapist who does CBT -- it's basically exercises that help you restructure your self-defeating thoughts and behaviors in a way that really helps to lift the depression. It's done me a ton of good, and it might be of use to you.

This comic really describes my experience of depression better than anything else I've read on the subject. I think I'll pass the link to a zillion people I know.

Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] said...

Welcome back!

tropicaldaze23 said...

You just made my day...you've been missed! I'm sending the link to this to my shrink. :)

Dorsey said...

Awwwwwwww I love you for this post :)

deeann said...

Something must have gotten into my eyes, they're watering ...

Depression is such a numb, self-loathing place. Thanks for the courage it took to share that.

Lou Hannoe said...

This was me also, except instead of becoming the badass, I just got put on meds and failed out of college.

Glad to hear you are well again!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. I've been there, and there isn't always a reason to feel sad, but it can be all consuming. I'm glad you were able to find your way out on the other side. PS you rock!

KTE said...

Allie, I've missed you. Obviously nothing I can say will really help, but it's sad that you're suffering. I know that your work has been greatly missed by millions. And as glad as I am that you're a bad ass now, I hope your feelings come back soon. Feelings can be fun to have sometimes.

Kyla said...

I hear you on the depression front. I wish mine went in that direction, as I'm still joined by anxiety and super paranoia. I did kill a spider with my finger recently though. Except one half squished and the other half of it continued to walk away. Won't be doing that ever again...

Andrea said...

Hey Allie, glad you finally got through your depression bout. Was feeling like you with the self-abuse and apathy for the last few days and finally came to the conclusion that i might be depressed. First thing that came up on my facebook today was your depressed post and i thought that was pretty apt. My video-store-life-changing-inspirational moment hasn't come yet, but when it does i hope i get your fear-proof exoskeleton cos who knows what i can do with that shit. Probably kill a bear/shark or a bear-shark, could be pretty epic. But i hope you stay fear-proof and awesome.

PS: By fear-proof and awesome i mean you should do real fear-proof and awesome things like idk, kill a spider or something and then blog about it. Cos that would be awesome. And fear-proof.

Tierney Thomas said...

This is me, about 1-6 times a year. It's the worst feeling ever-- just know that when you fall into it, you're gonna come out of it! <3

Jamie said...

This post is too spot-on! Only you could make depression seem so amusing! Glad you broke through to the other side and are entertaining us once again!

hed said...

I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!

Hed

Gory Derryth said...

Allie, I think a lot of us have been there, Me personally, I Fight Depression constantly, and I never really thought other people did the same thing to themselves as I did to me. I like to tell people that I'm not afraid of "going to hell." Because I live it, every day, in my head. For you to actually write about this, and let public know about it, is really inspiring. It also allows others who go through the same thing, know that they're not the only ones who struggle with it, in similar ways. I know everyone's emotions are different, but still, I think so of us have, or do still feel the same at times. I hope you're feeling better, and thank you for your post, My boyfriend and I very much missed reading them!

Lee said...

Insightful and hilarous. Sad and beautiful. And mostly, hopeful. Thanks from one who also knows.

Bunny said...

I just want to say that, even though I know you're obviously trying to make the best out of it and make it into an entry, I know how depression can be. After a lifetime of fighting it off, I finally took antidepressants about 8 months ago and am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... something I never thought I'd say. If you care to read about my experience, it's here: http://www.mybunnygoboom.com/2011/07/30/lexapro-review-my-personal-testimonial-of-a-battle-with-pseudo-depression/

Emily said...

I adore your writing but have never commented before -- but I just wanted to say how much this post hit home for me. It took me a long time to realize that I suffer from a chemical imbalance and am not just lazy/ungrateful/neurotic/etc. I've been taking antidepressants for about a year and a half and they have CHANGED MY LIFE. Please think about looking into that or other options, if you haven't already. The way I think about it is: If you had, say, diabetes that you could easily manage with insulin, would you say "No, I should be strong enough to beat this on my own -- taking insulin would be a sign of weakness"? Of course not, because it doesn't work that way. Don't fall into that trap with depression either.

Jigsawdiva said...

Is it ironic that you posted this right after I admitted that I kind of hated myself and felt like a failure because I am not as awesome as you are? That is a serious question. Thanks to Alanis Morrisette I am not sure I understand what ironic means anymore. Anyway, I know what it's like to be depressed for no reason. It's worse than having a reason. I know nothing anyone says helps either. But just in case you read this, I want you to know that I think you are amazing, and I am sending you Internet love. Not in a creepy way.

Tara said...

I feel really bad for laughing at this post. You're so talented, you made a depression seem sort of funny. At the same time (and even more so) I also feel sorry for you. It's horrible to go through a depression and I can't imagine what it's like, let alone what it's like to not know what triggerd it. I hope you're doing well now, you deserve it.

Amanda said...

Allie, you not only managed to sum up exactly why I haven't done anything in months either, you helped me feel like I'm not "crazy" and actually made me laugh about it. Even though I got depressed again when my comment didn't post the first time.

Anonymous said...

Word.

Been there, and you described it to a T. Glad you've broke on through.

Anonymous said...

YAY!! She's back!

Andrew said...

I've been in this same position for...oh...15 years. Since I was about 10. So I totally understand. Jesus tits & God America, I hate it. But it's comfortable, too.

Anonymous said...

LMAO. I'm a new fan, and proud to say so, because you're writing as absolutely hilarious. I even got CHILLS laughing at this new post.

"I would like to rent all of these movies and purchase all of these skittles" HAHA

Brilliant. Please never stop blogging.

Jaya said...

I want to give you all the hugs in the world. Except those by velocirapists and bears. And sharks. And murderers.

I hate to see you've been having such a hard time. I really hope things are going to continue to be better for you.
You don't need to feel guilty for being depressed. You don't need a reason to feel sad. Feeling sad is a very legitimate reason for feeling sad in itself.

Love,

Anonymous said...

I have been in the same funk for months now. The same sort of odd-piphany struck me as well. Maybe, just maybe, I'll touch a spider too. And maybe that spider will be having a bad day, and thinking to itself, "I just want to die" and then it will see me coming and realize it didn't really want to die. Then when it sees that I merely want to touch it, it will become empowered with invincible thoughts too.

Cara said...

I can't even begin to describe how happy I was to see a new H1/2 post!

Also, depression sucks and we should all get together and kick its ass. I'm glad you're feeling better. I had horrible depression last year (it's bad when your friends realize it but you don't) but am happy to say I'm in a much better place now.

jenn said...

I can completely relate and you illustrated the feelings (or lack of) so well! Your blog always helps me feel happy when I'm going through a rough time (pesky antidepressants not doing their job). It's great you were able to utilize what you went through and once again use humor. Thank you!! Glad you are doing better!

ps: It is humorous to me because I also suffer from depression and have gone through all of those steps, minus the movie return. Depression in general = not humorous. Looking back on some of the things you did/didn't do, when you are feeling better = humorous.

Anonymous said...

Allie, there are no words for your awesomeness.

Eef said...

I'm all welled up and teary eyed after reading that. I've been there and back too many times to think it won't happen again, but your post has made me smile. You're incredibly brave to be able to announce that to the world, I hope some day I can too. :)

Laura (who posted ages ago on your blogs, among a thousand others!) said...

Thanks Allie for the honest post. It's strange because while you were feeling depressed for no reason at all, for the last 6 months I've also been feeling depressed because I didn't know what to do with my life and had quit my job and no one was hiring me (despite the fact that I was probably exuding "I don't want to waste my life working in a meaningless/unethical job like this" in the few interviews I had). Luckily, I just started a job on Tuesday that I think I might actually like.

I don't know if it matters to you if people can relate to your self-deprecating posts like this, but this one hits home. I've gone through stages of depression before, but it still makes me feel a little better knowing that while I was suffering, a cool chick like you was also going through the same draining emotions, selfish as that may seem (sorry!). I'm sure it'll probably help others realize what they're going through too. So, thanks.

Reluctant Raider said...

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I hope it gets better for you like it did for me. Just remember, there's a ton of people you don't know who do adore you and care for you. Even if you have no idea who they are! My office cat sends his very furry love too.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say that, like a lot of commenters (is that a word? Whatever, it'll do), I can totally relate to what you've been through. Thanks for putting it so beautifully.
May the Fuck You Attitude be with you. Always.

mageraine said...

/randomstrangerhugs

^
|
Those are yours if you need them.

somesummersunday said...

Hi Allie:

Thanks for this one, and I hope things improve for you. Depression sucks, and it's a lot harder to deal with when it's not brought on by what the sufferer thinks is a "legitimate" thing to be upset about. I loved the post, and could totally relate!

MJ

Lilly said...

This made me really sad. I can relate to a lot of it. But it was also an awesome post. Don't touch a spider, they're scary!

Dory said...

Are you subscribed to the rss feed of my brain? Because this could be me.
So glad you're here! *big not-creepy innernet hugs*

Justin said...

I'm glad to see you are back. I hope you're feeling better. It's always good to see your posts. You brighten my day. I hope yours have brightened as well.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your vulnerability. I totally understand where you're coming from and applaud you for finding that little kernel of "fighter" in you to hang onto. Sometimes that's all we have. Great job!

Phillip Guyton said...

**HUG**

André said...

Can´t tell if I should be sad or happy.

But I´m glad you´re back!

Naomi said...

I have Bipolar illness, and I am linking to this post all over the fucking place.

mamasuburbs said...

WOW! I'm amazed at how well you describe the feeling of depression for no reason...it's nice to see it here...so much less of a lonely feeling knowing others go through this.

lalalalauren said...

today i woke up sad for no reason and this was exactly what i needed to read. thank you.

Anonymous said...

I tend to invest in vats of skittles when I get sad.. or angry.. or that perfect same state of 'not-giving-a-fuck'.

Scratch that, just all the time.

brianwawryk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
connie said...

I know this sounds cheesy, but you really matter, you make so many people smile, and that is a big deal with all the bad news lately- I am glad you are back, my husband had depression and he takes medication- it makes a world of difference in him. please look into it if that sadness reoccurs. take care of yourself (insert smiley face here)

quinn said...

Yep, yep, yep. Also, thank you for telling and drawing this.

Also, I love the way your legs look in those sorels. Mine look about the same.

Jer said...

Allie, I'm glad you exist.

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back!

Jessica said...

Allie, the post seemed so super sad at first and I was really concerned. I'm glad it got ridiculously hilarious toward the end, that seems promising for you coming out of your funk. Just want to say that I hope you're OK! Just remember you've got a ton of people who think that you're just FANTASTIC and were willing to stay late at their desks at their soul-sucking jobs merely to read the new fabulous post from their favorite fabulous blogger. At least I did, I can't speak for the many others but I would guess that they would/did do the same. :-D

Emily said...

Thanks! This is exactly how depression feels! It's none of that sad unicorn-turned-rainbow pooping pony you see in the movies.

Best wishes to everyone else who has suffered, is suffering, and will ever suffer from it. Depression is a horrible curse.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Allie! Loved this so much. Also, you have 257 comments 10 minutes after posting this. Feel loved.

Kimmy said...

I love your brain. Thanks for putting it out there. I agree with your first commenter (and seeing as it is the only comment I read)- you are awesome "o.0"

Anonymous said...

Missed you, Ali. Hang in there. <3

Boredom Blogger said...

Allie, if you're feeling depressed just remember this:

There were 6 comments on this post when I started reading it, there were 251 comments when I was done.

You must be pretty fricken awesome for that many people to want to tell you you're awesome as soon as possible.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, I wonder how many other people were going through the same things at the same time because now I know it wasn't just me.:]

Raine said...

I do that sometimes. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one who becomes an apathetic lump. Last time was the best though, 'cause I remembered that I was a badass by (verbally) tearing a bully into little pieces and not caring when my teacher scolded me.

Matt said...

Every time one of these shows up in my RSS reader, it makes my day. :)

Anonymous said...

thanks for posting. as someone who suffers from depression... and goes through a LOT of what you described... reading this only helped reiterate that though we feel alone in the midst of depression and the continual self-loathing rants in the head berate ourselves for not being happy, etc. and tell us that no one else does this. ever. and that there's something wrong with you... well. really. we arent alone. other people go through the same thing. thanks for sharing. really. we missed you!

amethsyt777 said...

I just re-read all you posts lastnight hoping for a new post. I thought you were gone away writing a book. Are you still writing the book? Please say you are! I know how you feel, I've felt the same way or 3 years now. I just can't seem to get over it. Maybe I need to ride my bike to the video store.. wait... I don't have a bike... now I'm even more depressed :( ...
I'm glad your feeling better and I wish we were friends. I just told my partner that lastnight when I was re-reading your posts. I think your awesome :)
Take care of yourself

Anonymous said...

As someone just now getting over major lifelong depression, I found this hilarious, completely accurate, and disturbingly relatable. Thanks for this, and you are the AWESOMEST

brianwawryk said...

Umm... I was so excited when I saw that there was a new post out but was disappointed (yup, the feeling fits the story) that this wasn't a funny story. Going to cheer myself up at Loaf Comic now. www.loafcomic.com. Hope the next story is funny and entertaining.

dewey kennedy said...

amazing and amazingly sad

Anya said...

Love you, Allie, and I totally know what you've been going through. I'm actually just starting to crawl out of my pointless depression, hoping desperately that it will leave me alone for a few blissful moments....But this cracked me up, and made me sad and self-pitying all at once. It really is nice to know sometimes that people you look up to go through the same things, too. So thanks for sharing.

ps- I missed you!!!!

x

MouslyKat said...

Wow.. you totally pulled an NPH.. you were sad... but instead of being sad.. you decided to be awesome instead!

Erin said...

Words can't express my excitement to see a new post from Allie. It's too much to ask of those poor, useless words.

Tina K said...

Allie!

The fact that you have used the words "adventures" and "depression" in the same sentence makes me love you even more! Thanks for putting this out there! Peace!

ikcewicasa said...

Wow. I am sorry you went through that. I go through the same spiral. I am glad you got yourself out.

Ashlie Fleig said...

Dear god, this is totally and completely me. Only difference is my two-year-old thrown into the mix who I sometimes yell at, which I berate myself for later. I have lost all willpower to do anything even remotely productive. I keep telling myself "tomorrow, tomorrow" and then nothing ever happens.

Plain Jame said...

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST LAUGHED IN AN EVIL CATHARTIC WAY. Obviously other people feel this way at some point in their lives for no apparent reason - me included. The worst is when you have someone to tell you you need help, get your iron levels checked or some other piece of inspired crap. Glad you broke through and joined us! Yay!

Awkward Engineer said...

Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I'm so glad you're back and have busted through the depression to the other side! You are my hero!

-www.awkwardengineer.com

Rachel Hood said...

Only a fellow depressed individual could find this utterly hysterical. Glad you're back and feeling more badassical than ever. <3

Kelly said...

This is pretty much the most accurate depiction of what my life is like that I have ever seen. Clearly, I need to rent a bunch of movies and not return them for a long, long time. I only found your blog about two days ago. I'm allowing myself bathroom breaks but I haven't stopped to eat anything in a while. Still, even though we just met, You're awesome and more awesome. You're not allowed to ever be sad ever again. Now I'm hungry and I have to go cry on my pasta.

Karen Jensen said...

You are wise and wonderful.

Anonymous said...

*sobs quietly* I can relate so hard, esp to the "no reason" part (well, no apparent ones anyway, 23 years with my parents are certainly reason enough :p) and this is so funny.

I'm glad that your turning point was such an irrelevant thing rather than a big epiphany! I love you!

Keep it up you wonderful person you, you've managed to make me smile and not feel so alone in my situation *fist bump*

Anonymous said...

This has not only made my day but my month, i'm not having the best time ever and pretty much sums up the relentless cycle in the best way. I couldn't have enjoyed this any more. Thankyou

Michelle said...

Oh Allie,

I have so missed your posts! I'm sorry to hear you had a bout with depression. I spent pretty much all of 2008, 2009, 2010, and most of 2011 in a depressive cycle due to my food allergies destroying my body. They are the dumb (curious? you can read all about my obnoxious amine allergy on my blog: http://aminerecipes.com).

I'm glad you finally had a slightly psychotic break from the doldrums of depression. I sincerely hope you take life by the... no, not so much like a bull by the horns, but like a bull jacked up on steroids, swinging a matador around like a ragdoll from your massive horn. You can do it, I haz the faith.

Keep being incredible, and for the love of god, keep blogging. It's a good outlet, we care, we're sympathizers, and beside that, we've all been experiencing HORRIBLE withdrawls. You should see the hyperbole-related sweat puddles in my bed. It is no bueno.

Heart you, and my heart goes out to you. If you need an extra layer on your invincibility bubble, you can use as much of my Shellac as you need. <3

-Mish
Low Amine Recipes
http://aminerecipes.com

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm so glad you have a new post, and even if depression is sad and not funny, your post about it is hilarious and brilliant, as usual!

Anonymous said...

I haven't been scared of the dark in a long time for the same reason. I wrote a poem about it but I won't bother anyone with it.

fauxfire76 said...

For what it's worth I think you are a wonderful person. I know that may not mean much while in the throes of depression (having lived there longer than I care to admit to I totally dig that) but I'm still tossing it out there.

Amy C said...

I JUST had a depressive episode recently, this spot-on. Thank you for making me laugh about it! Off to sky dive now...

Shana said...

thank you for this post. its a great illustration of depression, which so many people don't understand. i had completely incapacitating depression for 10 months. my recovery started with medication, but action is also utterly important. keep doing things! and keep posting! love your work. xx S

eli said...

MISSED THESE SO MUCH. :')

imnottrent said...

i can relate to this post. unfortunately i've yet to reach the other side. seems like it will be good when i do.

but, i do shower. :)

Debbie said...

I think you're awesome. The way you tell stories of your life is brave and awesome, and yup, just awesome.

Kate said...

I'm a psychologist, and also someone who has suffered depression myself (well, I have been a grad student after all). This was so dead on, it had me sympathy laughing all the way because I went through those phases too - all those feelings, only you were able to express them with humour and insight, whereas I'm pretty sure when I tried to describe my depression to people, it came out more as drool and tear snot. Kudos for working your way through it, and thank you for making those of us who have had depression feel better by encapsulating what we go through so well.

BreeT said...

Geez, just when I think you can't be any more inside my mind, something like this comes along.
Thank you, so much, for sharing this -- it's one of the most poignant AND funny things I've ever read about going through depression. I hope this helped you cope, and that you're finding other ways to cope as well.

Stacy said...

Rock on, Girl. Rock on...

jenniferlynn said...

Yea! You're back AND invicible!!!!!! Awesome. :)

Ben said...

You're very brave. Thank you xx

Anonymous said...

Every time I read one of your blog posts I think "Wow, this is the most relateable thing ever" but seriously, THIS is the most relateable thing ever.

loops620 said...

Thank you for posting something so exposing. Its hard to talk about being depressed. I've been feeling the same way lately. I know this probably doesn't help, but you aren't alone feeling like this. Hang in there.

so much in something so small said...

I really cannot describe how awesome this is. I've always loved this blog, and your sense of humor in general. If I had a blog, it would be a lot like yours. And now this amazing, heartfelt, honest post about depression that still has your sense of humor? You are the best. Thank you so much for posting this! I'm glad you broke through! Touch those spiders!

Anonymous said...

Some negative feelings are on a dial
It would go and go and go
Until it would go to the very end
Then it would still stay there
Then it loops over to positive again

Anna said...

I missed you! I can relate- I've lived with depression to the point of "emotional searing". Glad you can talk about it.

Interrobang said...

Allie, I'm so sorry. Did you actually touch a spider? I hope you're feeling better soon...

Been there, done that, except there were multiple Mes who were verbally abusing Main Me. The inside of my head was like a crowded party full of angry, toxic people. Then I started taking these magic pills my doctor gave me, and it was like a big tough NYC cop came storming into my crowded-party head and said, "Awright, awright, break it up, break it up, geddon home, nuthin ta see here!" and then all was silence, and I was walking around the large empty loft inside my head, listening to my mental self's footsteps on the hardwood floor, and I was happy.

I recommend NYC Cop Pills to anyone.

JCat said...

I'm sorry you've been so sad and am glad you're feeling a little better. Please know your posts can and have made me howl with laughter and that is a f***ing rare talent. Please remember we all think you f***ing rock. Seriously.
Hugs, sweetie.

Shana said...

thank you for this post. its a great illustration of depression, which so many people don't understand. i had completely incapacitating depression for 10 months. my recovery started with medication, but action is also utterly important. keep doing things! and keep posting! love your work. xx S

Anonymous said...

Allie you are amazing in every sense of the word. I love your blog. Don't be ashamed of how you feel and know that you are not alone.

AbFab said...

You've managed to write about depression, to describe it so accurately, in a way that I've never, once, been able to do. And that alone has made my day, if not my week.

THANK YOU.

Geek Girl said...

Oh gosh. Allie, I hope you are feeling better! Know that you are awesome and well-loved. I'm with Namowal - I suffered depression for years, and I'd also rather stick my head in a nest of fire ants than go back to that place.

Anonymous said...

Good to see a post from you again. As others have echoed, this one hits a little close to home for me. Glad you've found invincibility on the other side.

Brenda said...

Wow, your sharing this is going to touch a lot of people who have been there. "Anonymous" above clearly not being one of them. I am also in a state of awe at how a person's work can be so beloved, that they get 159 comments in 14 minutes. What is that.. let me get the calculator...11.357142 comments per minute. Welcome back!

Mandy_Fish said...

Thank you for posting about this. We need to get depression and other mental illnesses out of the shame closet.

P.S. Have you bathed yet?

;-)

Sarah said...

I'm glad to see that you are coming to the end of the depression tunnel! I've missed seeing new posts from you.
Oh, and depression sucks.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, tell me what happened after you watched your movies and ate your Skittles!! I NEED to know!

Sarah said...

WOOT! I got super excited when i realized you posted...then really sad when reading your post...then really frustrated when it took me like 5 minuets to scroll to the bottom of the comments page...but then kind of excited again when i realized so many people like me were so excited that you posted again. Also thank you for posting this so avid followers could know why you haven't posted in so long, you were obviously depressed, but now that your okay we forgive you :)

Anonymous said...

Hey. I normally don't comment on, well, anything. But I wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog. I get all excited and anticipate-y during the few moments between when I see on Twitter that there's a new post and when it's all loaded up and I've started reading it. I know (believe me, I know) that that tiny little bit of praise isn't some magic bullet that's going to cure depression. But, you've made me laugh and smile a lot over the months since I found this blog, and hopefully maybe I just made you smile a little bit in return?
-Jon

Meg Young said...

I'm so glad to see a new post up. As someone who has suffered similar nonsense, I'm glad to read that you can find humor it it!

Sara said...

this is my life...definitely part of the time! thank you, thank you, thank you. you are my spider-touchin' hero!

dragonflylady77 said...

*huggles you tight and shares the apple crumble and ice cream*
<3

SaraMinerva said...

Would it be weird if I said I was worried about you because you hadn't posted in a while? Because I totally was. Depression is a cruel sonofabitch. Beat its ass, Allie. You got this.

Sharon said...

I am currently battling a nasty bought of depression and anxiety right now. Reading this made my day!

Christine said...

I don't think anyone else could have made depression humorous. As you can tell from the comments, your experience is not unique; YOU ARE NOT ALONE. But the way you handled it was, in fact, unique. Thank you for coming back to the arms of those who love you (i.e. your entire internet family). We're always here for advice, support, and humorous distractions (obviously).

Amanda. said...

Yay! I love your stuff, and I am so happy to see a new blog on here. And I love the way you have captured the experience of depression so accurately, and use your humorous style to portray it to us. I'm glad you found a way through your struggle and were able to share this with us. I will definitely be sharing this!! :)

Kitkatkootie said...

YOU are super awesome. I've missed your posts and this one made me moist with sad and then happy with i don't give a fucks. Thank you for all of it.

Anonymous said...

I think you're incredibly brave to talk about your sadness.

Annie said...

I showed this to my mom, she's been suffering from depression for about five months now (post partum)and we're starting to work together to help her. She really enjoyed this.

MelanieP said...

Effin sweet! I'm sorry you were sad :( but I love this blog so much and checked so often for a new post- I'm so happy it's finally here! :D It was hilarious in a sad, relatable, self-conquering kind of way. You're awesome!! ^_^

tmckain said...

I'd say this is my life, exactly. Except it's nowhere near as funny. It's more like the 'emotional range of sand.'

It did make me laugh a lot, that's my treat for the day for not hating myself too much. But maybe I'll do that later. Yeah, I probably will. Ok, now I'm already thinking about it so it starts. By the time I click [submit] I'll be in full self-hatred mode. Thanks for that. I hate you.

kmkat said...

Been there,didn't manage to break through like you did. Modern psychopharmacology, however, saved me. Now, 20+ years later, I am a lifer on anti-depressants and have accomplished much in the intervening years. I truly hope you are able conquer your depression by whatever means work for you. See a therapist, get anti-depressants, run a marathon, whatever. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

It gets better...and then shitty again and then better again and then shitty...etc. Getting older actually helps and it is mostly inevitable so that's good..mostly.

Anonymous said...

<3

Thanks for posting. I hope that you truly are beginning to feel better and that you're seeing a doctor about your depression. It's a serious thing - I'm a chronic sufferer myself.

Floyster said...

Allie, you're awesome. I've been checking your blog over and over for the past couple months, hoping you'd made another post. Somehow, you manage to make a great post that brings a smile to my face out of a topic like depression. You deserve to be the happiest person on the planet. I love you and hope you can find the spark inside you that you need to be able to get back up.

Starbrand said...

My half hippie, half ninja friend introduced me to "the way".

"Give ZERO fucks. and if you must give a single fuck or even two... make sure you punch em in the junk. "


Glad to see you back and all of my friends and I cant wait to buy your book.

^..^

heather said...

you've just described a place i like to call "idontgiveafucktopia." ;)

Joey said...

so I have been subscribed forever and this time I started to wonder why there has not been a post in a while..... I hope that you feel much better, depression sucks, but the instant I saw H&H in my inbox MY depression went COMPLETELY out of the window!!! Glad you are doing betterish.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, that's hilarious.

Sucks that you had to spend that time being depressed first but the moment of epiphany was awesome.

TGD said...

I relate! Thank you!

Lara said...

I've felt like this... I understand. The breaking points have often been as random and unexpected as yours. I have new reasons to keep a good mental health nowadays, but I have felt like this.

St said...

Thank you for posting this!!! And I'm not just saying that because I wish to thank you for every single post! Giving voice to the crushing reality of depression eases the stigma. Little by little it will be easier for those who suffer to get the help they need.
Plus it's just awesome when you have a problem and then this super-cool person admits they have the same problem so you realize that having the problem alone does not make you a total loser. You might be a total loser but not because of this! So thanks, super-cool person.

Rae said...

Glad you are starting to feel better. For you, and for anyone else reading - totally recommend seeing a therapist. If it seems like it's not working, try another therapist - 'fit' is really important in this case. If you are worried about money, lots of therapists offer sliding scale/reduced rates. Community options may even be free.

Most important: take care of yourself.

Sarah said...

Having suffered from depression, this post was both hilarious and completely relateable. The sentence, "Trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back," is one of the funniest/most honest descriptions I have seen. Bravo! Glad to hear that you are doing better, and thanks so much for this post!

sluj said...

"But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back. A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work. "

I so wish I had this line to use a few years back.

Hope it helps to know how many people you cheer up with your blog. Hang in there.

PinkStar26 said...

I really don't know how this works... but i've been in my first major depressive slump in my adult life these past couple months. I want to say something witty and be all "herp we are the same person derp" but really, I'm sorry. I've been having such a hard time with this, and I just finished writing down what I wanted to say on my own blog. So I hopped online and saw that you had a new post (almost had a heart attack)... and well, here I am. Depression sucks. but you - you don't suck. :)

Anonymous said...

hope you're ok.

Anonymous said...

Finally!

marla b. said...

This is kinda like who is going to watch the Watchmen? The funny lady needs someone to make her laugh! If only we could do for you the extraordinarily wonderful things you do for us! =)

Beth said...

You are wonderful and talented and strong and thank you for sharing your journey. Be well. I look forward to more adventures into your mind!

Feisty said...

I love the spider line :)

I've had The Depression before, and it's very hard to get out of. I luckily didn't crash myself into the median like I was planning, but it was close.

Some things that have helped me keep it out are eating a low carb diet (cutting sugar out all the way helped a ton, doing it for even a week really helped stabilize me), vitamin D and some of the B's (the book The UltraMind Solution helped me the most) and getting laid off.

For me, the stress and exhaustion of my job were a big part of the problem. When I got laid off, I slept for months, which caught me up on sleep, and then really invested myself in building friendships.

Good luck.

Jerry Atric said...

I can't tell if this post made me shed a tear or if it was because I wiped my eye while eating salted sunflower seeds.

Anonymous said...

I relate so much. Also, I'm worried that your feelings of invincibility could be the other side of a manic episode. The dramatic highs and lows ... it's real, and it's dangerous. So, you know, you really might want to go see someone. I know from first-hand experience. It feels like it's SO MUCH BETTER but the wild upside might not be the end of the depression, just the next phase of a chemical swing that should be treated. You're amazing! Take care of yourself, ya hear?

S.L. said...

I hope one of those DVDs has Chuck Norris in it.

Depression isn't easy and it certainly isn't able to be reasoned with. I'm glad you're coming back and feeling stronger.

Kit Whelan said...

I'm sad you are sad, but hope the end of this post means you are feeling invincible and will write more totally awesome posts for your totally awesome fans. We miss you!

Emily said...

If I wasn't secretly reading this at work, it would have made me cry.

You're the best, Allie.

Sam said...

I'm glad you are back :)

**HUGS**

Anonymous said...

When I saw this, I started squealing in excitement. Then I called my BFF to make sure she saw this. This made me very happy, and I hope you feel better and become less depressed soon.

:)

B. Andy S. said...

depression sucks. I'm right there with you on that.

Mrs. Wilson said...

First I was happy that you were back, then I was sad to find out why you had been missing for so long. Then your post amused me (as they always do), which made me feel guilty, since it was such a serious moment - you're way too funny! Then I was relieved to hear you have come out of the worst of it (hopefully). And finally...finally - I'm happy that you're back.

If I could, I would make you as happy as your posts make me. All I have is a cyber hug, though. And I don't even know how to draw a cute smiley to simulate one.

Car Tag said...

It's an cruel juxtaposition to have someone who brings so much laughter to others suffer from depression such as this. Glad to hear you're doing better now, we all would give you an Alot of hugs to make you feel better :)

mostlymoron said...

Oh Allie, how can you be sad drawing these silly pictures?

On a side note, I've had a moment like this, being sad for no reason. I, as a 14-ish year old boy, had made an amazing paper airplane, really put my soul into it, y'know?... yet no matter how hard I through it, the damn thing would always crash. My angsty teenage brain found great symbolism in this.

Now, of course, I know that a thing made of paper doesn't fly too well. Shit happens. I guess we all make our own exoskeleton after a while.

Anonymous said...

After reading that I'm afraid you're going to off yourself eventually. The thought makes me so very sad. I hope you are seeking some help. No one should have to feel like that.

Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife said...

I'm so glad you're back! I can 100% relate to this post (especially the self-berating) and I never really thought of it as depression. When/if it ever creeps back in I'll just remind myself to rent 6 horror movies and loan up on Skittles.

In all seriousness though, I hope you are taking care of yourself.

Patty said...

Hope you're OK again. The post is wonderful as usual. I too missed seeing you and went back and read some old ones recently. Hang in there! You are a funny, creative, honest, really wonderful human being.

Ted said...

Allie-
So impressed that you not only had the courage to face down your feelings, but to put them into words and pictures. I know that helped with me. That voice in your head, the one that says, "Get the fuck up and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" has a lot more power when it's committed to a creative outlet. Not only does it become something tangible, but it becomes a stepping stone for starting to fight it. "Look at me, sadness! I'm still awesome! I just got lost for a bit!"

followingwords said...

I know that you have a ton of comments already but I want to say that this post is awesome, 'cause I've been there before and it's nice to know that at the end of the tunnel there's some in-your-face, I'm-no-one's-bitch sunlight! So, thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone, as well as making me smile at the end.

rottencolt said...

I totally get it. Once I gave myself permission to not give a single f***, and permission to lie on my couch for an entire year I started to feel, if not better, then at least more empowered. Don't be surprised if you actually find yourself starting to give a f*** again. Glad you're feeling good enough to post!

Old 333 said...

That, was just great. Thanks for it!

Katie B said...

I'm glad to hear you've broken out of your depression- I have apparently been single-white-female-ing you by being gripped by unexplainable depression myself for the past 4 months. I also find that doing something rebellious works wonders, for the short-term, at least.

Mobile Medical Disaster Relief said...

I've missed you.

Karen said...

I'm so glad you clawed your way out of your depression. I didn't like reading this post, but I'm so glad you wrote it. Have you considered a therapist and meds? Good luck conquering more demons!

realee said...

Thank you for this. I can relate. Been in it before and kinda in it now. Moved a little while back and when my landlord gave me the wrong move-out date... and I didn't check the lease... well 24 hours to vacate let the people close to me see more of how bad my not caring about my surroundings had gotten than planned... making me look at myself. Anyway, I can also relate to how frustrating it is to be sad and apathetic for no reason. It's the worst thing because it feels like something to be guilty about on top of everything.
Really well said. I always appreciate your honesty and sense of humor. It's good to see a post from you.

Steph™ said...

I love your posts! Thanks for being so real, it helps people feel understood and like they are not alone. I have had times where my life was completely out of whack after almost 2 years of therapy the episodes don't get as bad. I highly recommend going to therapy...it changed my life and I am so much happier!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting!
Hugs to you!

Unknown said...

I have missed your posts and am super happy to have another to read and smile through although as it was about saddness somehow it still struck a funny bone in me and despite feeling such saddness for no reason on occassion myself I appreciated reading about yours. You rock...and most importantly you make me chuckle. I often feel that people are looking and wondering about me when i am out and I sometimes get totally uncomfortable about it and like you leave and come home again where I can feel for myself whatever feelings i am having at the time. I appreciate your humour as it is and look forward to your next post...whatever you choose to write about.

WarPony said...

You so perfectly captured the way I feel every winter. I hope your breakthrough is for you what spring is for me, only that it lasts and gets better instead of getting all suck again when winter comes back like my stuff.

Catherine said...

Glad you're back and able to touch spiders now Alie!! I would have to be invincible to rent horror movies too :)

Matt said...

People love you.

Kiersten said...

Thank you so much for sharing your experience - my fiancé now has a better understanding of what I went through before we met, because you put it better than I've been able to. I hope the upswing continues! Cognitive behavioral therapy can also work wonders :)

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