Dog

A lingering fear of mine was confirmed last night:  My dog might be slightly retarded.

I've wondered about her intelligence ever since I adopted her and subsequently discovered that she was unable to figure out how stairs worked.


I blamed her ineptitude on the fact that she'd spent most of her life confined to a small kennel because her previous owners couldn't control her.  I figured that maybe she just hadn't been exposed to stairs yet.  Accepting the noble responsibility of educating this poor, underprivileged creature, I spent hours tenderly guiding her up and down the staircase - placing biscuits on each step to lure her and celebrating any sign of progress.  When she still couldn't successfully navigate the stairs at the end of her first week with me, I  blamed it on her extreme lack of motor control.  This dog is uncoordinated in a way that would suggest her canine lineage is tainted with traces of a species with a different number of legs - like maybe a starfish or some sort of primitive snake.

The next clue came when I started trying to train her. I am no stranger to training dogs - much of my childhood was spent working with various canines because I lacked the social skills to interact successfully with people.  With so many years of experience behind me, I was sure that training this new dog would be a very simple task.

I was wrong.  Not only is training my dog outlandishly difficult, it is also heartbreaking.  She wants so badly to please me.  Every fiber of her being quivers with the desire to do a good job.  


She tries really hard.    


But when turning her head at an extreme angle fails to produce a life-altering epiphany, she usually just short-circuits and rolls on her back.  

Over the past two months, she's made some progress, but it's been painfully slow and is easily forgotten.  Still, I was living under the assumption that maybe my dog just had a hidden capacity for intelligence - that all I had to do was work hard enough and maybe she'd wake up one day and be smart and capable like a normal dog.  Until last night.  

Last night I was sitting on my couch mindlessly surfing the internet when I looked up and noticed my dog licking the floor.  Just licking and licking.  At first I though maybe I'd spilled something there, but her licking did not seem to be localized to one spot.  Rather, she was walking around the room licking seemingly at random.  She lay down on her side and kept licking out of the side of her mouth while staring directly at me.  



At that moment I realized that I needed to know for sure whether my dog was retarded or not.  

I Googled "how to tell if your dog is retarded" and after a bit of research, I found a dog IQ test that looked fairly legitimate.  It involved testing your dog's ability to solve a few very basic problems, like figuring out how to get out from underneath a blanket. 

I gathered the necessary supplies and began testing.  

The first test asked me to call my dog using a variety of words that were not her name to gauge whether she could tell the difference.  I called out "refrigerator!" and was pleased to see that my dog did not respond.  She also failed to respond to "movie," "dishwasher" and "banana."  I was beginning to feel  very proud of her.  Then came the crucial step: I called her name.  Nothing.  I called it a few more times to be sure.  Still nothing.  

The words hung like a neon sign broadcasting my dog's failure.  "It's okay," I thought.  "She'll do better on the next one."  

In the second test, I had to put a blanket over my dog and time her to see how long it took her to get out.  I threw the blanket over her and started my stopwatch.  She made some cursory attempts at freeing herself, but as the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she was not going to pass.  


Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she just enjoyed being under there and could get out if she wanted to.  I added an extra couple points to her tally for faith's sake. 

After flagrantly failing three more tests, it came down to the final trial.  If she could score five out of five possible points on this section of the test, she could bump herself out of the bottom category into "below average."  

First, I had to make her sit, which was a test in and of itself.  Then I was supposed to show her a biscuit, let her sniff it, then - after making sure she was watching - place the biscuit on the ground and put a plastic cup over it.  If she knocked over the cup to get the biscuit within a certain amount of time, she'd pass the test.  

I put the biscuit under the cup and started the timer.  

My dog ran over to the cup and sniffed it.  She walked around it once and then looked up at me like I was some sort of wizard.  I pointed to the cup.  I knew it was cheating, but I wanted to help my dog pass her test.  


She didn't understand, but she knew she was supposed to do something, so she just started frantically doing things because maybe - just maybe - one of those things would be the right thing and the magical wizard cup would let her know where the treat went.  

 

After five minutes of watching my dog aimlessly tear around the house, I finally accepted that she was not going to pass any part of the test and yes, she was most likely mentally challenged.  But damn it, I was not going to let my poor, retarded dog feel like she failed.  

873 comments:

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sublimedodo said...

Oh god, that reminds me of my late dog, Mr. Bone.
He could NEVER pass the blanket test.

Skelechicken said...

I discovered your fish story on Stumble, gave it a thumbs up,and went about my merry way. This was about a month ago. I stumbled again yesterday and saw this particular story. I noticed a pattern, namely you being hilarious, and decided I wanted more. I am, as we speak (or I type) reading my way through the archives from the back forward. I have literally put the rest of my life on hold while I work my way through oceans of funny. Keep up the good work, you're amazing. Oh, and for the sake of relevancy to this post, I tried these tests on my dogs. One passed but one failed pretty miserably. He always was the underachiever though.

this-dog-is-cute said...

Just discovered your blog through the bloggers choice awards - amazing! Actually CRIED sweet tears of joy as I laughed histerically along with your oh so familiar tales of canine frustration! Love the drawings - you have my vote!

SnipingMizzy said...

@ Annabelle: No Cesar Milan, please. He would probably make that poor timid dog worse.

Amazon_Syren said...

Hey.
Given what you said about your dog coming from really bad people (and the way she'll roll onto her back when she doesn't know what else to do), I can't help wondering if your dog is dealing with the dog version of this -- not having any idea how (or ability, for that matter) to act in a normal, healthy situation because she's never been in one before. :-(

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Megs said...

For about a million years, I thought my beagle was retarded.

She's afraid of the furniture, and has not, after 11 years of living in my house, determined that carpet =/= grass, for either pooping or consumption purposes.

My vet, however, believes that she is actually far more intelligent than most, a highly developed parasitic being, who has recognized that pretending to be stupid means that I won't hold her responsible for breaking the rules.

I may have been PWN'd by my dog.

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ladycallie said...

I think you're giving your dog the best life she can have, reguardless of her intelligence. I want to point out that the series of different reactions she gave you when you were hoping she'd figure out the cup game is actually a great sign that she's got some smarts in her. There's a method of training called Shaping, and it's basically you letting the dog give you behaviors/tricks/actions and you reward when the dog does the correct one (usually with a clicker and a yummy treat). Eventually the dog connects looking at the cup as correct, then nudging the cup as correct... leading to her finding the treat under the cup. It's a fun and rewarding way to train your dog.

Good luck and stay away from Cesar; he'll only harm your baby with his methods.

Alison said...

When can I have more?

I found this site about a week ago and read too many for too long and my brain went all weird for a bit. Like when you play too much Zelda and later when you're walking, you have to resist the urge to do a duck and roll to go faster. Any time I felt emotion, the corresponding Paint version of you flashed in my head. but i regret nothing.

except maybe not scrolling down far enough on this comment page, because I spent a really long time trying to figure out my google account username and went through all these steps... then I saw you can just put your name.

anyway. this site is great, so thanks.

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Linda Comer said...

What a wonderful post! thank you for the laugh tonight. I just love your blog!!!!

Catstina said...

I literally made a Google account just so that I could "follow" your blog! You are a fantastic and hilarious person!

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DeAnna said...

I have one of those ridiculously smart dogs who is always outsmarting me, but he couldn't figure out the biscuit under a cup trick either. Apparently that is a pretty tricky one for some dogs.

And he would have torn the blanket into a thousand shreds to get out of it, which I'm not sure is preferable to just laying down and having a little nap.

Your dog sounds adorable :)

R.J. said...

I laughed so hard that I stopped laughing and began emitting a high-pitched squeal which attracted my weird dog. He just danced in from of me until I stopped laugh and licked me face while I was catching my breath. I believe he thought I was dying.

Anonymous said...

OMG im Duncan again im like new to your blog but it's AWESOME and so are you the crazy thing is i was watching that vid where the goose got in your house and i heard your Bf's name was Duncan im im like waaaah and than i watched it again and im like wahhhh i then i read more post and more times it said his name was Duncan and im like OHHHHHHH ma god hes got my name some guy dating a girl who's personality is alot like mine ask my friends on face book at Duncan Roy if you don't believe me And no im not trying to trick you im just tryin to prove im slighty insane yet in a way im not ohh and is sad your dogs slightly retarded but but thats like Hilarious cause you all like my dog licks floors and he like floor yummy you like google SAVE me it like she sayin weird stuff OMGa blanket damn damn damn actually it warm im a lay and you like NOOOOOOOOOO and it like im happy you like here's a cookie and he's like COOKIE gotta eat or good gonna be stabed with pitch fork so he like give and you all like i put it under de cup NOW GET ithe all like WTF is dis it like super forcefield of doom im a run around it now imma put ma bum in the air see it got poop on it and he like the name of de baby kangaroo from winnie da poo is ROOOOOOOOOOO!! and you damn hes retarded

Jessica said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Love!

Jessica said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Love!

Carrie said...

I nearly DIED laughing at this. Because your dog sounds exactly like MY dog and my family has been wondering for some time now if he isn't retarded. So I guess that answers my question!
Kudos. I literally have tears falling down my face. You're drawings are TOO funny and all too accurate!

Jules: said...

LOL, my parents' dog is the same way.

Maybe get a hearing test, though? It seems as if your dog might be deaf.

aflashbackwards said...

I'm in love, both with your dog and your blog. (Would've said "you" if that wasn't as creepy as the "I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you" that I'm staring at while writing this comment.)

Really, I started reading your blog like... two days ago? I've read a lot of it, and there hasn't been a single entry that didn't make me laugh until nearly certain death. Kinda.

But my dad did ask me "are you laughing out loud at the computer?"

I don't normally do that.

So... thank you for blogging! :D


(P.S.: I tried to friend Spaghatta Nadle... and Facebook said it had too many requests already. It was a sad moment.)

Kristen said...

My dog is the opposite. We got her from a shelter and we were like, "Okay, let's see what tricks she knows." We found out she can sit, shake and lay down. And yet if we leave the house for five minutes without her she becomes convinced she must seek vengeance against us for leaving her alone by destroying the house.

Anonymous said...

Big thumbs up for 'clicker training'. The basic concept is 'dogs don't speak English' so telling them to 'sit' would be the same as me asking you to 'blognorf gable zignot' and then being frustated because you didn't follow my very simple instructions.

Really, clicker training is awesome. If you're not familiar with it, get thee to a class and learn. You will be amazed.

Crazy Dog Blog said...

Have you ever tried clicker training with her Allie? With all the things she was doing trying to get that treat out from under the cup I bet you could capture or shape some pretty amusing things.

Under Urooba's Umbrella! said...

Oh my gosh.
This post can justify my strong dislike for dogs, thank you. :)

OKAY FINE, IT'S BECAUSE I'M SACRED OF THEM! ALRIGHT!? YEAH. THERE, I SAID IT. JEEZ.

Also, Allie...I don't know if you'll read this...but eh, what the heck?
you've inspired me to put paint to good use as well!
here, come see my latest post :D :
http://underuroobasumbrella.blogspot.com/

Alright, this feels like shameless advertising...so I'm gonna go now...

Greyhounds Aren't Grey said...

As the owner of a challenged dog from a long lineage of questionable breeding tactics, it was like laughing at my own dog!

One day I hope to teach my big goofy boy to sit...

what's her bucket said...

Just found you from finslippy's site. Your post made me laugh so hard, big fat tears rolled down my face. I have been told by my mother that I am notorious for always picking the "loser of the litter". I have had my share of dumb dogs and I have put them through similar tests with the same results. I have come to the conclusion that "dense" dogs are much more interesting than those awful "perfect" dogs. My dog Scout howls during the entire opening theme song for Sponge Bob EVERY time. He's special. Check him out if you want, by searching for sponge bob scout on youtube.

Chani said...

My sister's cat used to sing to himself at night. I was staying at her house while her husband was away on business, and we woke up to hear Jasper (the cat) caterwauling in the living room. We stumbled blearily into the room, turned on the lights and saw him, sitting curled up on the couch, looking at us with a "Oh hey guys. What's up?" expression, like nothing was weird.
He also liked to sit on his head.

My OTHER sister has a cat that I am convinced is really a vampire. He's a large mass of long black hair, and at night, he is the most persistently friendly attention-whore of a cat. He finds people and just starts purring and begging to be petted. If you don't start actively petting him, he will start petting himself with whatever protruding limb from your body is most convenient: arm, foot, face, etc. During the day, however, he hides in the cupboard under the sink, and god help you if you find him. He's like some cat-sized void with angry yellow eyes and an abundance of claws and teeth.

Lex said...

HAHAHA I love your blog, you're so funny! I've never had a dog like this, but I know of some. So right on. If I ever get a dog, I'm naming it Refrigerator in honor of you. :D

Lex said...

omg i just laughed my ass off at chani's comment ... i had a russian blue who did the exact same things as her sisters' cats O_O

"Guppy" Honaker said...

Oh that was so funny. And believe me, your dog isn't the only one to not be able to figure out how to use the stairs. I had a dog like that too. (And now my cat won't use the cat door I installed for her to go outside. I've even tried to push her through it, she won't go. Instead, she sits and meows beside the door.)

- David

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Anonymous said...

Even babies think you're funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DbYCHh3QWwk&feature=related

Valerie said...

This is so funny! I'm glad that your retarded dog has an owner who can find humor in her and love her just the same! And draw great pictures and write animated details. I like your writing style a lot! Thanks for the laughs :)

Jessica said...

My dog couldn't figure out how to walk down stairs when we got her either!

Michelle said...

Hey! I thought this was so awesome, so I tried the same IQ test on my dog, and I regret to say that she is a genius. BUT! There is still time! I'm sure that your dog is just waiting for the right moment to suddenly be able to calculate difficult calculus problems and paint abstract art! Keep your head up!

Shannon said...

Sounds like the brain farts my dogs have sometimes!

Charlene said...

Your blog is too funny. So is the fact that you're "super creepy." Actually, I guess it's not funny, haha, but more like funny, nervous giggle.

I'm looking forward to reading more!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure someone has already commented to this effect (but reading through 846 notes isn't my bag) BUT!

Is it possible your dear dog is deaf? Would explain a lot.

Cori said...

This was the first post of yours that I've read, and it made me laugh til I cried. I've been reading your archives for days now, but instead of being creepy and commenting on old posts I'm just going to say YOU ARE AWESOME! And continue commenting on future posts.

Anonymous said...

Allie!
Recently I stumbled upon your glorious and hilarious blog and I absolutely fell in love with it. I have read from your most recent post about your semi retarded dog all the way to Letters:volume 5. I think this is one of the greatest blogs out there and I have never laughed so much at just simply reading a few choice words strung together as art. Please keep up the amazing work so I will have something to do while twiddling my thumbs at my job in a library.
-not as awesome

SECRETLYANINJA said...

WHEN ARE YOU UPDATING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I AM FROTHING AT THE LIPS AND ABOUT TO BITE SOMEONES HEAD OFF CAUSE YOU HAVENT UPDATED IN -checks date- 13 GODFREAKING DAYYYYYYYYYYS! /dies

SECRETLYANINJA said...

WHEN ARE YOU UPDATING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD I AM FROTHING AT THE LIPS AND ABOUT TO BITE SOMEONES HEAD OFF CAUSE YOU HAVENT UPDATED IN -checks date- 13 GODFREAKING DAYYYYYYYYYYS! /dies

Sarah said...

Please, please, pretty-please, put your dog on a t-shirt. Or a tote bag. Something.

Also, how does your dog manage to live in my house and your house simultaneously?

aaron.trostle said...

this made my evening, so funny because my boxer i swear was partially retarded too

nicklelove said...

hi! i clicked a link and it brought me here. great writing! and i like the drawings, makes me feel like i'm reading a children's book.

poor dog, i want to scratch behind its ears to make him feel better about it. i have dogs myself and we treat them like they're humans, part of the family. from the tests that you did, i could easily tell my pug will pass all the test. he's a smart one. i should try that with the other dogs. i have a shih tzu who tries to get my hand every time i try to pat her head for doing something good or when she did something right.

Free-tarted said...

here's a video from a person with autism about being retarted.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnylM1hI2jc&feature=player_embedded

maybe your dog just speaks a different language than "up-and-down stairs". maybe your dog's language is one of awed appreciation for things we take for granted. maybe a treat being magically hidden is more in-joyable for your pooch than just eating it. who knows, maybe your pup is smarter than all of us; we just don't understand or know how to interpret her brilliance.

:)

Alyna @ Better Your Blog said...

This was sooooooo funny!

Your dog may be retarded but gives you great fodder for your blog! :-)

sarah said...

Omg I read this post when you first posted it but I had to come back and comment!
About 20 minutes ago I was changing my bedding when my pesky cat decided to come up and lie on the bed (cause that's not in the way AT all..)so I thought I would try out the test where you place a cover over the animals head to see how quickly they can get out. Might as well seeing as the opportunity has presented itself.
She's still under it! I am actually laughing my head off! I know she can get out because she managed to poke her head out, (which in the process made her look like that fat nasty cat out of Cinderella when he gets stuck in the sleeve of a nightshirt), but then she just decided to stay there! Is she stupid or lazy? Hmm I'm gonna go with both!
p.s She's still there and sleeping now! Aww she looks kinda cute.
p.p.s You rock!

BearlyBearable said...

where did you go =(

How am I supposed to survive without a new post! Its excruciatingly painful.

I equate this to what it would feel like to be mauled by at least three rabid wolverines. Or perhaps a small dinosaur. Also with rabies.

Please come back.

Anonymous said...

I found your website about a week ago from The Oatmeal and spent the rest of the week reading every last one of your articles. Hilarious, all of them, especially the newer ones that have incorporated your brand of MS paint art (or the macbook equivalent, unsure of it's title).

ANYWAYS I just wanted to give you the good news that this article has been "hotlinked" by collegehumor.com. You can see it when you go to the homepage :) congrats!
- Mary

Robert said...

This is amazing. I've been laughing for days and have found this insurgency to test all these methods upon random dogs as I dont have one myself. Through laughing, however, you increased the severity of my looming tonsilitis... (literal short pause, as I am creating this comment as a speech in my head) ANYWAY, what I was essentially leaning towards is that i'm sending my appreciations from Australia and am now linking everyone/thing (possibly scissors with a corkscrew) to your posts. You have, however, frightened me to the point that I have deduced my sister is actually a bear. I'm avoiding surprise parties at all costs..............(this is the end of my comment so the pause is quite extensive).................................................................................................................................................................etc.

Chickie said...

If I did this test I know my dog would fail. Last week she chewed through the door, got outside, and then sat on the porch until we got home.

Jesse said...

Ever have that horrible feeling of itchiness, and only more hyperbole will scratch you? I sit staring at my rss feed waiting for your next thought by pixels.

dominique126 said...

first post i read on this blog and a fan from the beginning. Thank you

The Daily Pansy said...

My boxer, lovable as she is, also failed the cup test. I was encouraged when she nosed the cup twice, but then she sighed and just settled down next to it for a nap.

Last week I took a vacation at the family lake cabin. While doling out peanuts to the local chipmunks, my boyfriend and I decided to give them the cup test, thinking this might make us feel better about my dog's intelligence deficit. Took the chipmunks about 2 seconds to overturn the cup, which completely dwarfed them.

Our dogs? Dumber than chipmunks.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

There's a test you can do that I'm SURE your pooch would pass: you wait until she's relaxed and just sitting there hanging out. When she looks at you, smile a HUGE smile. She gets 100% of the points if she gets up and comes right to you, something like 80% if she looks at you for a while and then either comes or indicates that she's aware you're happy, and 50% if she even notices you. Trust. She'll pass that one.

protexxblue said...

You need to have a warning label on your posts. "Will probably make you actually laugh out loud and then everyone will look at you like you're an idiot because who laughs at their computer in public."

Actually, not really. Normally your posts have that effect on me. This one was especially funny though.

Thank you for being awesome and rad.

newteacherwife said...

I'm new to the blog and I'm sitting here laughing my ass off. Poor dog. But good for you for trying to help her pass!

Kell said...

I've read all your posts but never been so impressed with your artwork. You did such an awesome job of conveying your dog! Oh man I hope that someday I can even sort of get stuff across that well.

Owner and Judah said...

Your dog sounds disturbingly like mine... 0-0

~Owner

Cory said...

I laughed my ass off while reading this, mostly because I can definitely relate. My dog has taken dumps that are smarter than she is. I gave her the test. I may not know how to score it, but it was a definite fail in all of the tests. Perhaps your retard and my retard should be friends?

Katarzyna J. said...

I love the way You paint the dog... It's awesome!:D

Meredith said...

Fear not. I have a dog that must be related to your dog. He chases his own tail (which is in no way abnormal. Even smart dogs do this.) However, when he catches his tail, he lays down on the ground and chews on it. His own back leg gets in the way of this chewing activity. More specifically, he kicks himself in the face while chewing on his tail. He doesn't realize that the foot that is kicking him in the face is his own so he gets mad at it and then growls and bites it. This causes him pain that he promptly yeeps from and then runs away in terror from the invisible sharp teeth monster that has bitten his foot. This has been happening almost daily for around 8 years. He's that stupid. But you know what? Doesn't make him any less of a great dog. He's stupid but he loves us unconditionally and he watches the house and bites intruders (we had intruders and they got bit and none of our stuff got taken). Your dog may be retarded but I'd bet you good money that she wouldn't let anyone harm you. :o)

Paulos said...

Allie, I stumbled upon your blog around two weeks ago and it has been killing me! (figuratively speaking off course, dead people cannot type, unless they're Zombies as everyone knows how well Zombies can type but I digress).

Last Friday I was feeling down and didn't have anyone to talk to or anywhere to go so I though 'hey, why note roll a fatty and read that crazy girls awesome blog? So I did and came across the dog story....and proceeded to screech uncontrolably with laughter for the next ten minutes, possibly terrifying my neighbours into the bargain. Needlesss to say my bad mood was banished to wherever it is bad moods go, you should seriously market your blog as an anti-depressant!

Keep up the great work Miss Brosh, you're awesometatious (yes, that is a word)

Paulos said...

Allie, you are brilliant and this is one of the funniest things I have ever read, the quizical head tilts had my doubled up and with tears of laughter pouring down my face - it lifted me straight out of a depressive mood that i had gotten into, thank you Allie!

Misty said...

Allie, this is excellent. One of my dogs is also borderline below average. Her vet even told us she was on the "slow end of the learning curve". We, too, tried the blanket test, and Sophie gave up and took a nap.

HannahRose said...

My dog licks everywhere and everything. It's actually how he deals with anxiety. Maybe your poor girl just has a dog anxiety disorder?

Kaetee said...

I enjoy reading your blogs. I read them all the time. I read a lot (I made sure to space it out just for you)of them when I have had a bad day. The blogs make me laugh and feel better. I enjoy the dog blog because I, like you did, have trouble communicating with humans and I get a kick out of training dogs, and when a dog doesn't get it I get frustrated. Then I remember the dog blog, and I think maybe some dogs just want to please people but seriously don't know how. So I make sure to go slow the next time I work with them in the hopes of the dog getting it eventually.

P.s. yes I do realize that this comment is random but yet still to the point

Larissa said...

Oh, wow. Hilarious. I definitely was laughing at quite a few points... my mom even questioned what was so funny. xD

speciesunknown8 said...

reminds me so much of my parents' dog Rosie.

XxMafiaxX said...

That...
That sounds like my dog, Vader.
But you don't have to give him any of these tests to figure that out, just listen to him bark or howl.
Or look at his eyes {one's off-center...}

AmieKim said...

I hope you haven't ruled out the possibility that she could be injured. My dog came to me extremely timid, yet eager to please, as it seems your dog is. She couldn't learn a lot of things that I thought were "normal" for a dog to learn. The regular western vet said there was nothing wrong with her. But then we visited a holistic acupuncture clinic and they immediately saw that she had a back injury. After one acupuncture treatment and one chiropractic session, she was a completely different dog. She was confident, and she learned tricks within 5 minutes of me training her.

Please take her to a holistic vet before you write her off as "retarded".

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