Dog

A lingering fear of mine was confirmed last night:  My dog might be slightly retarded.

I've wondered about her intelligence ever since I adopted her and subsequently discovered that she was unable to figure out how stairs worked.


I blamed her ineptitude on the fact that she'd spent most of her life confined to a small kennel because her previous owners couldn't control her.  I figured that maybe she just hadn't been exposed to stairs yet.  Accepting the noble responsibility of educating this poor, underprivileged creature, I spent hours tenderly guiding her up and down the staircase - placing biscuits on each step to lure her and celebrating any sign of progress.  When she still couldn't successfully navigate the stairs at the end of her first week with me, I  blamed it on her extreme lack of motor control.  This dog is uncoordinated in a way that would suggest her canine lineage is tainted with traces of a species with a different number of legs - like maybe a starfish or some sort of primitive snake.

The next clue came when I started trying to train her. I am no stranger to training dogs - much of my childhood was spent working with various canines because I lacked the social skills to interact successfully with people.  With so many years of experience behind me, I was sure that training this new dog would be a very simple task.

I was wrong.  Not only is training my dog outlandishly difficult, it is also heartbreaking.  She wants so badly to please me.  Every fiber of her being quivers with the desire to do a good job.  


She tries really hard.    


But when turning her head at an extreme angle fails to produce a life-altering epiphany, she usually just short-circuits and rolls on her back.  

Over the past two months, she's made some progress, but it's been painfully slow and is easily forgotten.  Still, I was living under the assumption that maybe my dog just had a hidden capacity for intelligence - that all I had to do was work hard enough and maybe she'd wake up one day and be smart and capable like a normal dog.  Until last night.  

Last night I was sitting on my couch mindlessly surfing the internet when I looked up and noticed my dog licking the floor.  Just licking and licking.  At first I though maybe I'd spilled something there, but her licking did not seem to be localized to one spot.  Rather, she was walking around the room licking seemingly at random.  She lay down on her side and kept licking out of the side of her mouth while staring directly at me.  



At that moment I realized that I needed to know for sure whether my dog was retarded or not.  

I Googled "how to tell if your dog is retarded" and after a bit of research, I found a dog IQ test that looked fairly legitimate.  It involved testing your dog's ability to solve a few very basic problems, like figuring out how to get out from underneath a blanket. 

I gathered the necessary supplies and began testing.  

The first test asked me to call my dog using a variety of words that were not her name to gauge whether she could tell the difference.  I called out "refrigerator!" and was pleased to see that my dog did not respond.  She also failed to respond to "movie," "dishwasher" and "banana."  I was beginning to feel  very proud of her.  Then came the crucial step: I called her name.  Nothing.  I called it a few more times to be sure.  Still nothing.  

The words hung like a neon sign broadcasting my dog's failure.  "It's okay," I thought.  "She'll do better on the next one."  

In the second test, I had to put a blanket over my dog and time her to see how long it took her to get out.  I threw the blanket over her and started my stopwatch.  She made some cursory attempts at freeing herself, but as the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she was not going to pass.  


Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she just enjoyed being under there and could get out if she wanted to.  I added an extra couple points to her tally for faith's sake. 

After flagrantly failing three more tests, it came down to the final trial.  If she could score five out of five possible points on this section of the test, she could bump herself out of the bottom category into "below average."  

First, I had to make her sit, which was a test in and of itself.  Then I was supposed to show her a biscuit, let her sniff it, then - after making sure she was watching - place the biscuit on the ground and put a plastic cup over it.  If she knocked over the cup to get the biscuit within a certain amount of time, she'd pass the test.  

I put the biscuit under the cup and started the timer.  

My dog ran over to the cup and sniffed it.  She walked around it once and then looked up at me like I was some sort of wizard.  I pointed to the cup.  I knew it was cheating, but I wanted to help my dog pass her test.  


She didn't understand, but she knew she was supposed to do something, so she just started frantically doing things because maybe - just maybe - one of those things would be the right thing and the magical wizard cup would let her know where the treat went.  

 

After five minutes of watching my dog aimlessly tear around the house, I finally accepted that she was not going to pass any part of the test and yes, she was most likely mentally challenged.  But damn it, I was not going to let my poor, retarded dog feel like she failed.  

873 comments:

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Funkmonk said...

pahahaha brilliant... at least she has character?

Randall Knapp said...

Nothing in my day-to-day makes me laugh more than your blog, Allie, thanks so much for sharing!

I noticed some other people talk about how smart their golden retrievers are, and I grew up with them, so I totally agree! They are a very smart breed of dog! But I had one that was just about as bright as yours...

Also, the licking thing usually comes form animals being weened too early from their mothers.

Thanks so much!

Glen Jordan Spangler said...

Your dog is just extremely obedient. She thought that you put the blanket on her because that was where you wanted the blanket to be, so the only thing to do was patiently wait for you to decide otherwise. Then you made a similar decision, that the cup belonged on top of the biscuit. She tried to persuade you that it belonged elsewhere using body language but could not speak or understand English. Or body language.

Anonymous said...

Unrelated to this specific post but related to your site, I think I'm in love with you. Yeah, I just got married to a great guy and all, and he even pretends I can cook and that I do more than 3 things all day while he goes and does Army work.. but look. I want to give you everything I have, if it kept you happy and funny. So I'll just donate and buy a t-shirt and a poster.

shutterboo said...

LOVE this! We have 2 dogs: wonder dog and the big deaf dog (the BDD for short). Wonder dog knows about 10 tricks, understands about 20 words, she's a smart cookie. The BDD is, well, deaf so training's been harder. She can sit, come, high five and lay down. But only if she wants to. But she has a MEAN obsession with licking shit - the couch, the carpet, the office chair, my husband's pillow... she can't keep her tongue in her mouth. I blame the deafness but I that only gets me so far.

Caleb said...

Replace "Dog" with "Ex-Girlfriend" and I could tell the same story.

I really thought she'd get the biscuit though.

Oh well.

Sinéad said...

Just found this blog. Full of awsomesauce! Thanks for making me laugh so much.
As for your poor doggie, I think they're more loveable when they're a little stupid. I had a dog that would lick your hand through a pane of glass and went everywhere with a potato hanging out of one side of his mouth. Poor thing got run over years ago.

Brutalism said...

I think it is deliberate to make you uncomfortable. She's like the Andy Kaufman of the dog world.

Melissa (It's a Veggieful Life) said...

Love the pics of your "baby" (both here and on your FB page). It's wonderful that she has a caring owner now...albeit one that finds humor in her lack of intelligence. :)

ehjeh said...

A little off topic...I've noticed that you no longer draw yourself so triangular. Is this a change in body image? :p

Anonymous said...

Haha I've had these experiences while training both of my dogs. One of my dogs is kind of a genius, if not a hyperactve genius - walking her every day for like an hour has done wonders for her. My other dog is about as dumb as a box of shoe strings. Whenever I tell him to sit, he starts jumping up and down trying to grab the hand that it making the motion to sit. Once he sits and I try to praise him, the mere sound of my voice raising an octave produces a mind altering oblivion that seems to drive him to the edge of joy and eccentricity...Either way, I love both my dogs, no matter how ridiculous they are...because they are dogs and only dogs can tilt their head at you, appear clueless and you think its adorable...If a human did that, I'd gouge out their eyeballs with a hot wheels car...Loved this blog :)

Annelise said...

I am by no means a big fan of dogs. In fact, I don't like them at all. I have a very irrational fear of them. However, I feel like your dog won't even make me break out into a cold sweat. Let that be your consolation.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. Do you have my dog?

Georgina said...

Your retarded dog is too cute for words. More dog stories please!!!
Also <3 your blog ^^

Georgina said...

Your retarded dog is too cute for words. More dog stories please!!!
Also <3 your blog ^^

Berenike said...

My family dog used to do the licking thing. Just licking the same spot of carpet over and over and over. It was super annoying but when you'd yell at her she would look so hurt and confused you'd feel like a total tool.

Nadeen said...

I know your dog so well and she is not retarded. She is just inward directed and thinking of more important things such as rabbits and ... hmm.. rabbits. Next time draw some ears on the biscuit and make it hop around :) Better yet stick a bunny under the cup and then stand back.

Courtney Alexis said...

There is an obscene amount of comments on here already, and I feel like I have nothing else to contribute in the way of praise for this post. But I have to say, the illustrations of your dog are some of the best yet! Can you post a real picture of her? She looks so cute!

Surloc said...

Lol my dog took 6 months before he'd go up the stairs. Heck it took 2 weeks to convince him to eat out of a dog bowl. He also gets to licking himself, and continues licking. His bed, the floor one of us....

The thing to realize is that a dog who has been kenneled for a long time needs a lot of mental stimulation. I recommend a treat ball. Start out with treats that just easily fall out.

Also for the towel test. It assumes the dog wants to get out of the towel. Our dog seems to think it's his lot in life to accept the towel. Because on the other hand if we encourage him. He removes it in seconds....

professor darkheart said...

Your dog and my dog were clearly separated at birth. The stairs, the somewhat flattering idea that I am a wizard and can fix everything, including rain, the quivering attempt to be good by trying out a lot of random behaviors that I have never actually asked for.

Seriously, get a book called When Pigs Fly: Training Success For Impossible Dogs. I, too, had thought I was a master dog trainer until Z came along, at which point I felt like a total failure; it turns out that the hound brain is really different from everyone else's (I think the clinical term is "slightly retarded"), and it really helps if you can figure out how it works.

Emily Noel said...

Is she a Blue-tick Coon Hound?? Because if so, I think it's just the breed. :P I have one and we can't train him for anything AND he's afraid of anything that moves unless he lives with it. So, I suppose I am also in position of a mentally challenged dog. :P But he's adorable, so that makes it okay. :D

Nick said...

We have two dogs. One of them saw a roast, and was able to pull a chair across the kitchen, hop up on the chair, and eat the roast. The other one saw something on the other side of a fence, tried to go through the fence head-first, and ended up half-through the fence, stuck, howling and kicking his back legs like he just wanted to lift the damned thing and carry it with him.

I don't think we need an IQ test.

Those pictures were hilarious BTW. You captured the "I really want the treat!?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!" look perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Allie! I'm glad to see that the Skeleton Man didn't snatch you up as you peed! As always, your posts make me smile (which is a rare event, what with all of the dead kittens and all).

Have a great forever!

SalliCinnamon said...

Oh my GOD this is the most hilarious, sweet thing ever! I love your retarded dog and I'm glad you love her too. Those pictures were perfect, I can just imagine what she's like. I've showed your blog to everyone I know, all while trying to explain what is so damn funny while gasping for breath. You may have given me a hernia. My dog is fairly smart (he manipulates me into giving him treats) but he does the lay on the floor and lick thing as well. Perhaps they're related.

Anonymous said...

http://nostradamo.pl/

Sarah said...

Can we see a photo of Dog?

jnada said...

I have two boston terriers. The older girl is what I would call a genius dog, the younger boy, we call him "special".

He can charge up the stairs no problem but going down he wants to be carried, I think it frightens him. He also loves to lick air, I figure it must taste pretty good, he does have an incredible sense of smell and taste. Although if he sees a bone you don't even need to tell him to sit, he does it automatically and patiently waits for you to give it to him.

Mostly he is a happy go lucky dog always wanting to play and be loved. The funniest part is I call him a wiggle butt. He has a natural corkscrew tail so he can't wag it, instead when he gets excited his whole butt wags and he shakes his back hips like elvis!

Juliana said...

This was probably the most adorable thing i have ever read in my life. I really just want to hug your dog - I bet she is at least a great hugger (and by that i mean she just sits there while you wrap your arms around her) :)

Alicia said...

....Well in your dogs defense on one point. A lot of dogs will lick the floor (or anything for that matter) when they're nauseous. Although...they usually don't lie down while they're doing it.

sadi said...

What a sweet doggie owner you are! This made me laugh so hard, thank you.

I'm trying the test on my husband tonight.

Anonymous said...

i'd second the comment by anonymous. hilarious post, yes, but licking the floor and looking @ you = "get off the computer and play with me; i'm bored."

re: sit. leash the dog up, get really awesome treats, ask for a sit. if you don't get it, don't ask again. just walk into the dog a bit and hold the treat over the dog's head. asking for a sit repeatedly just teaches the dog not to listen to you.

when the dog bores a hole in your head staring when you're giving a command, it often means you've not set them up to do something they understand. it's not really the dog's failing.

great book: other end of the leash.

stephanie said...

that head-tilt-thing that they do is to look so freaking adorable so you forget what you asked them to do in the first place...
Unless she's using the internet and running a "Is my owner retarded?" quiz on you, then you're on your own.

Tawna Fenske said...

Laughed so hard I peed myself.

Please don't hit me with a rolled up newspaper.

For what it's worth, we have a dog that does the crazy licking thing on all floor surfaces. After 14 years, we've finally realized he's doing it to clean his mouth after meals.

Tawna

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. Got a tip about last post which I found brilliant. This one is brilliant too. I'll read your blog forever. Sitting here. Tilting my head. Used to have a dog but hade to leave him to a new master since in our home I was the challenged one. Makes me a little sad remembering him. Dogs are great. Keep it up!

annotations said...

Poor Dog. Funny Allie! This one's gonna keep me laughing for a long time.

I used to have a dog I was convinced was a bit stupid. But, get this, when I would tell people that in front of him, I would spell out s-t-u-p-i-d instead of saying the word. Maybe I just didn't want to hurt his feelings uttering it aloud. Point is, how dumb is a dog you feel you have to spell in front of?

Thanks for adding so much entertainment to the day!

Monica the Garden Faerie said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I love your drawings, esp. how you represent yourself. "Not having social skills to interact with people." Yeah, love it!

Anonymous said...

Okay this is the funniest thing ever. I have a massively retarded dog, so I feel for you. They said once she was no longer a puppy it'd be better. She's 3 now and still just as ridiculous as ever. I feel comfort knowing it's not just me. Thanks! Also, you are the funniest human alive.

SLYuppie said...

Don't worry Allie, my parent's dog is retarded too. It's a giant German Shepherd and can't figure out how to jump in to the back of trucks. My dad has to lift it. It's embarrassing. Also, it took the first 8 months of its life to figure out stairs. This dog is a purebred. I thought German Shepherds were smart. le sigh.

Natalie said...

Your dog sounds so sweet and endearing. My dog, by contrast, is a highly intelligent and manipulative diva. She also refuses to go up and down stairs, not because she can't (I've seen her navigate them with ease when she wants to), but because she doesn't think she should HAVE to when I can so easily carry her instead. Ditto with pottying outside. She gets that I PREFER for her to go out there, but she doesn't see why she should have to wait for me to open the door to let her out. Also, with intelligence comes the capacity for vindictiveness. Once, I gave my dog a bath after walking her, so I was sure she wouldn't need to go until she was dry. Baths anger her, and as soon as she was clean and I put her back down on the floor, she looked me right in the eye and very deliberately squatted and peed on the carpet, glaring at me defiantly the whole time. And then when she was done, she switched to her, "I love you, Mommy" expression, thus rendering me unable to punish her. You may think I am projecting to compensate for my inability to train my dog effectively, and, well, you may be right. But my point is, stupid but sweet can be a good thing, and your dog sounds adorable, and God love ya for rescuing her from the nasty people who never let her out of her kennel.

Sherb said...

I fear for my dog.

While he can successfully get himself out from under a blanket, it has taken him 11 years to figure out how to push curtains out of the way to look out the window.

And he responds to any word uttered in his general direction, including but not limited to: stinky, refrigerator, doormat, and parabola.

bayleys-mom said...

My dog answers to the name "giraffe pants". Her real name is Bayley.

Nicki said...

Yay, a new post! You seriously crack me up and brighten my day. :D

I had a German Shepherd a few years back that was "special" and I loved him just the same as my other dogs, if not more. Glad to see that your pup is in good hands. :)

Ryan said...

My dog licks the ground as well, so this made me feel a little better. I'm interested in knowing which IQ test you used (post a link) so I can prove to myself my dog is slightly smarter than I think.

CaitStClair said...

Best one ever!! Amazing drawings and I totally snorted.

And be glad your dog isn't all that smart. It beats having a really intelligent one that outsmarts you all the time. Trust me, it's really embarassing. And expensive.

Anonymous said...

It's totally okay, I have a retarded cat. It's totally cute because he walks around with his neck tilted in odd directions. The best is when he gets lost walking around in a circle. Anyway, that cat is my favorite, absolutely has the most personality.

Hannah said...

I think this is utterly hilarious because we live on a farm with seven dogs and one of them just happens to be retarded. It's a little dog and when he was first born he had seizures but he grew out of them and now he's just a complete spaz most of the time.

Hannah said...

I think this is utterly hilarious because we live on a farm with seven dogs and one of them just happens to be retarded. It's a little dog and when he was first born he had seizures but he grew out of them and now he's just a complete spaz most of the time.

Better Off Without You said...

This is 100% MY DOG! I tell people it's because his previous owners tied him to a post in southern VA in the summer when he was 2 weeks old without food or water and they tell me I'm mean when I call him retarded. If you were tied to a post the first week of your life you'd be a little slow too!!

Koopa prances around the house, swaggers when he walks, takes 20 min to go up/down the stairs because he is scared, and I'm about 99% sure he'd fail every single one of the questions on your test! The sadest part is... he's 110lbs so I can't force him to do ANYTHING!

Love you blog!

Anonymous said...

Cute and funny? Yes. Worth the wait? No. C'mon, Allie. Get it together. Your posts help me get through the day. That is, the two days a month you post something.

hvanderwielen said...

Allie - thanks for the great laughs! Keep heart with the dog.... we have a mentally slow rescue dog too and it took him at least a year to learn how to learn. He'll never be smart, but he does keep learning a (very) little as time goes on.

You did a great job capturing the "I know she wants something WHATDOIDO!?" look!

Jazmine G. said...

omg Allie I love your blog and you and your retarded dog..lmao.
I just got in trouble at work for laughing out loud at the pictures of the dog gradually tilting its head more and more hahahahaha it's like you know exactly what I think is funny. I get it. You're totally writing this blog just for me. This is the Truman Show, but instead of a whole fake world, it's a fake blog made just for my entertainment and no one elses.

Eric said...

Oh man Allie, you're so funny! I'm no longer a dog owner, but you had me in stitches with the "Sit" and the dog angling it's head. I don't even know how I'm going to function for the rest of the day, it was THAT funny!

Glad to read you're such a great pet owner too! Love your site, keep up the awesome work. Thank you for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

Aha, I just did the IQ test with my own dog, I didn't have a low enough table so I couldn't do that one, but I found I had to give him a small bit of instruction before he caught on. For instance the cup test, he nosed it on the kitchen floor, but it just slid around so I took it to the living room carpet and he got it knocked over no problem.

The blanket? He remained calmly under it not doing much but wagging his tail like we were playing some game, but boy I started calling his name and he thrashed around til he got out. I think the towel and cup were similar so he figured that one out pretty quick.

But for every smart one, there's an equally retarded one. My cat routinely lays and sleeps in his own litter box for whatever reason. q=

-Mef

Sana said...

Awwww...at least your dog is adorable! :) Your pictures are hilarious! And your picture of the dog is too good! :D

Lizard said...

OMG! That is the best drawing of "hyper speed retard dog mode" EVAR! My SEM (Someone Else's Mutt) does that frequently. Also he chases his tail and looks shocked when he catches it and it hurts. And he is horrified of bubbles, kittens and dandelion fluff. But he's not the retarded one.
Mac, my sweet, sweet kitty, is retarded. Not "a little slow", not "unusual" Straight up retarded. Inbred (1 male cat plus 1 female cat = 1 litter of female cats +the same male cat = kittens that drool on themselves and have deformed spines.)AND he was stillborn... asphyxiated at birth and never really recovered!
He licks things randomly (like the floor, the blanket, the lap he is sitting on) and then forgets his tongue is out as far as it goes and stays that way till he bites it or someone pokes him. I <3 him though.

Yasmin said...

The pictures you drew of your dog are completely adorable.
My puppy used to chew and destroy literally everything he could find. That includes the balcony door (somehow, he actually managed to eat the bottom part of the door), audiobooks, and my homework (TWICE!).
Also, whenever I left he'd start howling. He was pretty much hopeless as well... the only trick he ever didn't 'forget' was shake, because he'd usually get treats for that.

Anonymous said...

Um well... I'm not sure about the cup thing, but maybe she has a hearing problem and couldn't hear you calling her?

Mindy said...

The poor pup... Now where does one find this test? I'm pretty sure my dog isn't, well, below average or worse, but is "slightly mentally unstable" an option?

HotHouse Orchid said...

Ahahahahaha!

Ann said...

I had a retarded cat. He would walk around aimlessly until he walked into a wall, then he would sit down and stare at it. He also had to be reminded to eat once a day (he seemed to just forget).

BUT that little monster was also the best Tag player on the planet. We could play for hours, or until I jumped onto something higher than his line of sight and he lost me. He never looked up.

Dee said...

hahahaha.

I wish I could find a similar test for cats. I've suspected that my cat is retarded for years now but have no way to prove it. He is incapable of completing the simplest task and will eat a bug, then stare at the wall for hours afterward wondering where it went. Also, afraid of bubbles .... actually maybe he doesn't need a test.

Christina said...

Hilarious! My dogs lay on the couch and lick it like it's made of beef. WTF? Maybe your dog speaks another language? I have tried that with my one dog...didn't work. Just embrace her stupidity...it will make for more interesting doggie play times. I must go, I have a dog licking the couch again.

Shiner said...

Not only is your blog super fun, with wonderful writing and great artwork, the quality of your readers' comments are really delightful. Funny, funny stuff!

Oh, as to dogs. I've had smart ones and somewhat less than brilliant ones and I loved them all. Right now I have two pound puppies, a brother and his sister, who can be exceedingly brilliant one second and then completely clueless the next. Part of a dog's appeal to me is that very unpredictableness. It makes for great entertainment with the added bonus of having a fellow being who truly adores you and will try to please you whenever possible.

I love cats, too. But they simply don't have the same need to please that a dog does. As someone once wrote, (paraphrasing here) "Call a dog and he's happy to come. Call a cat and they'll take a message and get back to you when it's convenient for them."

izzabitz said...

I love your poor little dumb doggie. I can tell you do too.

Hi! I'm Erin said...

Oh, well there's your problem. She might have some greyhound in her. I've determined (based on a sample size of the one in my house) that greyhounds are the stupidest creatures alive. I thought you were talking about my dog in this post :-)

Nero said...

I think my dog might be retarded too. I put a slanket on him about 20 minutes ago and he's still under it. He may just be sleeping... there is some movement though.

Chad & Jennifer said...

Oh honey, it totally sounds like your dog has greyhound in it! I have two. I like to think they're geniuses and that they just play games to make us think they're dumb so that they can get away with doing absolutely nothing!

S.J. Donovan said...

Your dog's name is Kellie?! That's my hamster's name!!

Elizabeth said...

We think our dog might be slightly retarded too! He barks. Thats it. Simply barks at everything, even the floor. He doesn't know how to do any tricks, but man can he bark!

Oh, and I can no longer wear my Body Shop Body Butter because my dumb dog thinks I'm a snack and licks my legs when I walk by ALL.DAY.LONG!

AspieInFortMac said...

I came to your conclusion years ago. I had a Shih Tzu who was born with only one eye (the other was closed and never developed) and a tongue far too large to fit into her mouth. She looked suspiciously like an Ewok. She walked in circles (unless you had a treat) and couldn't understand the leash. Stairs were always more than she could handle (I tried the same tricks you did). The licking is also a familiar story. She would lick furniture, tile floors, and carpeting. All of these things would be annoying to some people, but these traits made her seem even more lovable to me.

After bringing her up to Fort McMurray, I would place her on my recliner when I went out to work. There were food and water bowls on the floor and she could get down if she really wanted to, but she was content to just sleep on the chair until I came home. She would then sit in my lap until it was bedtime and then she would sleep in the crook of my arm. She was 14 when I had to put her down in December and I still miss her everyday. She wasn't the most active and definitely wasn't the smartest dog, but she was the perfect dog for me.

Aimee "The Great" said...

I am glad I am not the only one with a retarded dog. When I describe Teddy, I am sad that I have nothing really nice to say about him. He is ....nice. And very warm (maybe his body heat has friend his brain. He is seriously HOT all the time). But where our other dogs will be disobeident, he is graciously not. WTF? For example, the gate is left open, other dogs run off, never come home until they have rolled in dead things and we've called for hours. Teddy will run, sit and play in our fenced in yard. He'll see that the gate is open and still he stays. He comes when he is called and obeys commands. I think he is too obedient. Stupid dog.

Splunge said...

I understand your problem. My bird is a bit slow as well. At one point my avian vet told me, "Your bird is very clumsy."

A bird. One of the most graceful creatures in the world. Clumsy.

But I didn't mind. At least he didn't realize how stupid she is.

And I love her that much more for it.

The Diva Paige said...

OMG... I am not allowed to read your posts anymore at work. My co-workers give me funny looks when I'm LOL'ing at my desk (which is the front desk of a doctor's office), laughing to tears!!!

<3 your stuff!

Christie said...

So I know there's already a TON of comments on here for you, but I'm hoping you see this one. My little brother directed me to this page, and I'm SO glad he did. I had a dog EXACTLY like yours for 7 laughter-filled years (we called him the brown crayon in the box, because he wasn't that bright); he was just put to sleep a couple of weeks ago due a brain tumor that moved with warp speed and I couldn't be more heartbroken. Your blog made me laugh until I cried. Thank you so much for the laughter and the tears. Enjoy your puppy.

Nero said...

He's still under there.

Anna said...

Your pictures are always SO expressive. These ones capture the essence of 'dog' sooo well... especially the head-tilting and falling over. Awesome :D

McLisa said...

Listen to Laura. Your dog is showing behavior common to dogs that have been kenneled for a long time. The learned helplessness and stereotypical licking are a dead giveaway. This dog needs confidence building, not "whispering". Milan may work for a dog that has normal dog heuristics, but this guy may need to learn how to be a dog first. Clicker train his ass. Just google it. Baby steps, don't overwhelm him. He has many neural connections to make. Give him good food and Omega-3s. Check out Tellington touch, or give him massages. Touching can help organize neural pathways.
And If you make prints of that "sit" series, I will trade you money for them.

Kit said...

Awesomely hilarious as usual.

Chatterbox Chuck said...

What a great story, sorry your dog did not pass the test. But I can say this much. If the dog seems happy when your around, I'd say that should give her a 100% score and pass any test.

adequatemom said...

You are so sweet and your dog is lucky to have you! Please post the link to the test so I can find out if my in-laws' dog is retarded too (signs point to yes).

Galadriel said...

Aw, poor dumb baby.

I have a horse like that. It gets much more interesting when they're 1200 pounds.

Hey, the licking thing can be a symptom of anxiety or doggy OCD. We had a rescue with a sad history who started on the OCD licking after he settled in with us. The amount of licking (and a few other anxiety issues) went significantly down when we got him on Prozac.

Simone Says... said...

oh, allie! i failed that test too. but over the years i've learned how to sit down when someone orders me, and i can find hidden treats. i still don't know my own name though...

Kate J said...

I just recently started reading your blog, and it's quickly become one of my little joys in life. You draw dogs BRILLIANTLY--that addled look of joyful, earnest, anxious trying. Love it.

Emily said...

Just found this blog! It is hilarious and genius and I've added to My Links on my blog and told my friends about it. I love it.

Jimbi and Ebiko said...

I laughed so hard that I cried. I was trying to read this to my husband and couldn't get the words out between fits of breathless laughter. The pictures are priceless.

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest one yet, and I love the drawings.

Cole Gibsen said...

Oh dear Lord - the pictures are spot on! Along with being a writer, I'm also a professional dog trainer and have been for the last ten years. Needless to say, I laughed until I had tears in my eyes when I read this post. Just so you know, you're not alone. I've seen this type of dog many many times - usually the product of a large litter of abusive siblings.

Mrs. Call Me Crazy said...

I have had 3 kids. Vaginally. I really just peed a little while I was reading this. Thanks for the laugh and the wet panties.

mary said...

When I was a kid, I had a golden retriever that was scared of the steps for a good several months when he as a puppy, but he did eventually figure it out, so maybe there's hope for your dog yet. Come to think of it, we also used to play with him by trapping him under a blanket. I think I meant that to be encouraging for you rather than depressing for me? He was never the brightest bulb in the factory, but he did become pretty functional and was a real sweetheart.

Coffee and Deodorant said...

Awesome. Your drawings are freaking amazing. Working my way through previous posts now!

BPD said...

What is my dog doing at your house? Do you by chance have a Beagle? I do and bless her heart she is dumb maybe you have her long lost cousin?

MsJetson said...

Your dog drawings are so utterly perfect - I can actually SEE her :)

Also, your blog is amazing - I've been reading it for a long time, but this is the first time I've been motivated enough to sign up to write a comment.

Also, I just got a MacBook, and this is the first time your page has looked just right in my browser window. That just made me super happy.

Also, I wrote you an e-mail a while back. I hope it didn't freak you out or add to a ridiculously large inbox or anything.

Also, you just rock really hard.

That's all, I think.

Cristen said...

LOL you just nailed my dog, even down to your cartoon - is your dog a rat terrier?

Speak said...

^_^

I've had on of my dogs for almost 3 years now. He's er 5 years.
If you walk within 5 feet of him he rolls over and pee's all over the damn place.
As well as he barks at my brother every single time he's in sight. >.> My brother was the one who bought him.

I hope all works out for your dog. Maybe we can get of metal dog's together for a play date. ^_^


"I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you"

>.> As well as I can find my home.

Jenny Lou Who said...

I read this and laughed out loud. I couldn't stop laughing. Then I made my husband read it. He couldn't stop laughing. I think I will blog about this and give you a shoutout. What's that website with the retarded dog test? Not that I need it.... it's for my....friend....yeah.

Cindy said...

Gave the the test to my dog. He ended up "smart, but won't go to Harvard" - but just barely.

The treat in a cup? He sat down next to it and waited for me to remove the cup.

s u p e r f i c i a l m o m said...

I don't know what a bluetick coonhound is, besides that it sounds a little racisty.

i loved your post (as usual). however, in my country, we would have named it eduardo retardo.

Anonymous said...

My roommate is not home for once so I could laugh as loud and as long as I wanted. Unfortunately I was sobbing and wheezing so hard with tears and snot coming out of my facial holes, that I actually started to cry for real just a little bit but then i was like--"wait why are you crying like you're sad--this is FUNNY, remember?" And I can't get over how great it is that you always draw beautiful animals even though your people are usually lumps, lines or simple shapes. And both are equally expressive. And I love it that even though the pictures are soooo funny, it's usually something you've written that sets me off into hysterics. This time "tainted...starfish" Oh god that will make me LIM (Laugh Inside Myself) all day tomorrow.
Helmi
Please use LIM whenever possible and tell people you made it up so that it will catch on but I will know secretly that it was me.

Anonymous said...

Your wizard comment made me think of this picture:

http://www.dangerousminds.net/images/uploads/1269385664419_thumb.jpeg

I hope this link works or else I am going to look like a douchebag who makes up imaginary memes.

Ore-Sama said...

I just called my dog's name and she didn't respond. Then I tried calling out 'refrigerator' and she shot up like I had yelled 'fire'.
Crap...

Duke said...

I share a yard with Allie - it's true. I feel better about my dog, Rustle, the T-Rex. Kellie is such a sweet dog but she came into my house today and peed on my floor, and on my son's foot. Hmmm, maybe not so dumb.

Anonymous said...

Seriously that could BE my old dog Ruby who, coincidentally, was also a blue tick. Possibly blue ticks are just chronic idiots. Sweet as hell though and yes, quivering with the desire to please.

Shannon said...

While it's true your dog might be challenged, at least she hasn't climbed into the fireplace like one of my late cats did a few months before she died.

Lady seemed of fairly normal intelligence, but she got old and stared intently at the fireplace on several occasions. Then one day her little kitty mind snapped and she dove at the fireplace, burrowing between the screens and managed to touch the logs before we lunged at her and pulled her out. Did I mention there was a smoldering fire at that point?

I can only assume she climbed in because it was warm and she was always cold, not as a failed attempt at self-immolation. Fortunately her injuries were only minor (singed whiskers, a paw pad got a small burn) because we pulled her out right away, but I can't help but wonder how we would have explained things to the vet if we'd had to bring her in. "It's the damnedest thing, Doc, she just climbed in!" sure doesn't sound very likely...

SelcouthWonders said...

My friends dog can't go up or down the stairs either. It's pretty funny. Maybe it's not just your dog. . .


Hmmmm.

SelcouthWonders said...

My friends dog can't go up or down the stairs either. It's pretty funny. Maybe it's not just your dog. . .


Hmmmm.

Kits said...

Your dog sounds totally adorable. A very close friend used to have a dog - Shandy he was called. He was as crazy as his owners of course :) Some parts of the post reminded me of Shandy a lot. Thanks for letting me go down memory lane.

Thomas said...

No matter how smart your animal might be, especially with dogs - if you're compassionate towards them and you show you care about them and love them the way they are, they will be the most faithful living thing you could ever have on this planet. So "mentally challenged" or not, this is your dog, and it's nice to see you still love her anyway.

Anonymous said...

I love it so much - my dog does the head turning thing with most commands. Poor little guy... he's just a little slow.

Julie said...

:) Idiot dogs like this can provide endless entertainment for everyone around! You should make a business out of it... somehow... :P

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) my mom has a penchant for finding the dumbest dogs of the lot. Especially the breeds that are renowned for their awesome intelligence. Standard poodles? Ours bit off his own tail because the groomer nicked it... 3 times. Doberman? Will run into solid wooden doors repeatedly if you talk to her excitedly about going inside. Etc. But they sure are fun and sweet! :D :D

Anonymous said...

Haha awesome Allie, this had me basically crying with laughter at work. I had a neurotic dog that simply would NOT go up steps. Go figure. Guess they know something about steps that we don't? Animals ARE always the first to know, afterall.

Kayla said...

Our dogs are like this sometimes. This post is amazing. Thanks!

kymess said...

my friends had to teach their pooch how to do stairs .. she had been abandoned at a boarder's before my friends adopted her. they had to teach her all kinds of things (like how to poop on grass, instead of cement). took her a few years before i ever heard her bark. but your puppy sounds like a few 'extra' challenges are part of her package. maybe she's on the Autism spectrum? i think even Einstein was 3 or 4 before he uttered his first word. she could be the Einstein of dogdom! i really love the "i can be a good dog for you" part .. i could have that on a t-shirt! .. great drawings .. yet again from your wonderful mind! come to canada one day, and i'll teach you how to say 'let's play puppy' in canadian .. since you already know it in espanol! ;-P

Mintoz said...

Awww, cute and sad at the same time. :) Poor dog.

Jane said...

I LOVE this post! I seriously doubt either of my 2 greyhounds would pass these tests ;-) Hmmmn, maybe I'll try... Jx

leo said...

Love your post! This is the fine line between retardation and intelligence. All of us wonder. All of us question our pets. I love to help people explore the inbetweens (most dogs!)
Jo (www.petproblemsolved.com.au)

leo said...

Love your post! This is the fine line between retardation and intelligence. All of us wonder. All of us question our pets. I love to help people explore the inbetweens (most dogs!)
Jo (www.petproblemsolved.com.au)

Bettina said...

Oh, Allie. I love you.

Calico said...

Oh my word! You are a comic GENIUS! This is a brilliant post! I wish I could be more emphatic without typing a zillion of these !!!! X a zillion.

Drawings, amazing! X a zillion.

Millions of expletives! X a zillion.

ben.mcghee said...

This one made me laugh till I cried. Thankfully no one was around. Your blog is the funniest thing I know of on earth.

Joli said...

Really impressive dog drawings! She's so cute :)

temp said...

Thanks for this Allie! Made my day.

My cat has been struggling for years to learn how to open doors. I've been encouraging it with manic enthusiasm because it would feel like having one of those velociraptors from Jurassic Park as a pet.
I also think that her beautiful purebred little brain should be able to do it, since the squint-eyed bandy-legged street cat I used to have could do it.
Maybe this task is more of street smart thing. Like my cat couldn't use a chicken breast to make a makeshift prison shiv but she would know what wine to pair it with and which cutlery to use first... so not stupid, just different.

Anyway have a great day!

Anonymous said...

You said the dog spent the first part of her life in a kennel, right? She's like one of those feral children, the ones who don't have any interaction and don't learn to speak. She's not dumb, she just didn't get the interaction she needed when she was a puppy! Poor thing!

Check out feralchildren.com

Jessica said...

Another belly-laughing comic! I love it! I'm a mom to 2 dogs, but they're terriers and thereby plagued with the opposite issue - TOO INTELLIGENT.

We're pretty sure they read Tolkein and play Scrabble while we're gone.

Anonymous said...

http://www.atomic.yoyo.pl/kara-smierci/kara-smierci.html
http://pl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kara_%C5%9Bmierci

Linds said...

Oh crud. You adopted my old dog (okay your drawings look nothing like my old dog, but sure acts like her). That's pretty funny. I love your blog! :-)

Anonymous said...

I loved this post! You should totally make t shirts with your puppy (the "I can be a good dog" picture)!!

Anonymous said...

my cat looks for dirt before pooping...if she doesnt find one she poops behind my computer... >,>

Anonymous said...

i know how you feel... my dog has ocd. legit ocd. he licks himself constantly and run around the backyard precisely 13 times. have you ever seen a dog walk in and out 8 times? it's slightly hilarious. and the look on my friends' faces when they watch him is priceless
but of course you get the mentally retarted dog :)

i love your posts!!

Anonymous said...

I think you need better training skills, lol. Try Clickerlessons.com.
As for Louisa's dog... obsessive-compulsive disorders in dogs often develop out of boredom. Try meds and lots of exercise.

R.J. Anderson said...

The story is hilarious as usual, but what impressed me the most about this post, and prompted me to comment for the first time ever, is what an amazing artist you are. You hide it well with your MSPaint stick figures (though the facial expressions and eye details give it away even there) but once you start drawing dogs, it's obvious. Great work!

B n Paddy said...

Are you published? I want to buy one of your books! Love the illustrations...You and your dog (who manupulates the heck out of you) are brilliant! Thanks so much for your talent!

binibini1004 said...

Wow, it's the first time I've visited this blog and it's hilarious!
My dog is somewhat like your dog.
She's not that retared or anything but she pees whenever she sees a blanket.
It's really annoying, but she always tries hard to please me like your dog and that makes me unable to get mad at her.
Sometimes, retarded dogs look even cuter than smart ones, haha.
And I think your dog is just adorable!

binibini1004 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

my dog always fails the blanket test...

Hef said...

Wow, hilarious. My co-workers think I'm nuts laughing to myself in my cube. My new favorite site...

meow.

Juan said...

Well, there are worse things in life than a less then brilliant dog. I am pleased to hear you adopted him in the first place. I live in Bucharest, Romania and there are 1,000s of unwanted mutts. They have an awful life. My wife collects them with other volunteers but no want to adopt anything less than a pure breed. So she has them shipped to Germany and the likes. And these are smart dogs. Good for you for giving an unpopular mix a good home. Just don't send him if I need rescuing one day.

WingSong said...

OMG. Your dog and my dog must be distantly related. I swear she does everything you talked about. Also, she has like this growth thing on her tail because she smashes it into stuff from wagging it too hard. And she really, really likes licking feet, but if you're on the couch and she's near your feet she acts terrified of the innocent feet and jumps down with her tail between her legs.
And one of my favorite behaviors is when she leaps up to catch insects flying around outside. Especially when you can't see the insects.
Anyway, I loved this post! The pictures were adorable! XD

WingSong said...

Also, I forgot to mention that your dog looks A LOT like my dog. Especially in the picture of her flopped on her back and running like a greyhound or whippet. The resemblance is really eerily uncanny. XD

Anonymous said...

As long as your dog loves you, it's ok if he's not the smartest. Great post!

Anonymous said...

Hey. Love the drawings, they pretty much made my day. I grew up around dogs too, and we've always had at least one coon dog. None of our hounds would have won any smartness contests either! They are eager to please though, and good at chasing things. I took Dog Care as a project in 4-H once and used a coon dog as my pet, we won 1st place and I have a picture scary-similar to the one you posted of you with your dog. Only I had hair.
Maybe having a dumb dog isn't that bad, the lab mix that I own now is the smartest dog I've ever had... she knows English. It kinda sucks that you can't say car or ride, treat, bath, walk, food, pond, fishing, go... without getting her all in a whirl, and then when she finds out she can't 'go' on a 'walk' to the 'pond' you have to suffer her 'hurt-puppy-face' and feel like a horrible person. So then you have to start being a mush-mouth... "Hey, you wanna grrooo for a rymmmd to the store, maybe later we can worrlllkk to the prrond?" or use words like scamper instead of walk. Scamper is a better word anyway. It's like living with a four-year-old kid or something.

Nicolasa said...

ahaha, you have me laughing so hard my side hurts! I love dogs and their stupidity!

Anonymous said...

I love your angry eyes the best.

Naikele said...

OMG!! I use to think that my cat was the only mentally challenged pet!... I have a kitty that doesn't eat anything besides whiskas, when she climb anything, she falls, she doesn't calculate heights or distances! but I really love her just as you love your preettttyy dog!!! hugs...

Michelle said...

My partner and I have a pack at home. 4 dogs and 2 cats. I could see all of my animals in this one story. Specifically the shorting out and just ending up on their back. Even the smart ones do that from time to time! ;)

I had never heard of you before (I know I know, I'm slow!!) but my GF showed me the dog post last night... At some point she asked if she had "broken me" cause I could not stop laughing. I'm hooked... Thanks so much.

Anonymous said...

i love reading your blog. it's sooo funny!


http://ohbeccabear.blogspot.com

E said...

THANK GOD YOU POSTED AGAIN! I was getting awfully depressed, but now all is right in the world again!

Also, I feel your pain. I, too, once owned a mentally retarded dog. The one rewarding factor was this: he was good on walks. Did he pee or poo? No. Did he still feel the need to do both inside regardless on how long the walk was? Yes. But, he understood the concept of walking with me at a leisurely pace, and not nipping people.

I hope you have found the same kind of solace somewhere.

JW said...

Licking is a sign of anxiety. Your dog sounds like a rescue and rescue dogs are commonly afflicted by anxiety and self-esteem issues. Also, when a dog rolls over, it's a sign of the ultimate submission. Your dog is screaming "Please don't kill me!!"

You're doing well to use obedience training (it builds confidence). But you want to redirect her licking by distracting her from it. Also, don't reward her rolling over with treats attention or anything else.

You'll find that once these habits are broken, she'll become more confident. Once she's not nervous and anxious, she'll learn faster.

I believe your dog is intelligent, but her mental state is clouding it.

andrea said...

This is fantastic! You are wonderful - and your adorable doggie is lucky to have you. I love the sit sequence of drawings!

I tried the hide the treat test with my cat last night. I showed her the treat and stuck it under a pair of welding goggles. She glared at me for hiding her treat, snorted, and proceeded to slap my goggles onto the floor.

This is the same animal that wakes me up every morning at 5:15 for breakfast by slapping my head repeatedly until I wake up. If she's so smart - you'd think she'd understand the concept of "Saturday".

Anonymous said...

My dog is equally as dumb. It took him 3 time of him almost drowning to death to figure out he can't walk on our pool when it has the bug cover. I guess he got used to walking on the winter cover, he couldn't tell the difference.

Anonymous said...

My dog is equally as dumb. It took him 3 time of him almost drowning to death to figure out he can't walk on our pool when it has the bug cover. I guess he got used to walking on the winter cover, he couldn't tell the difference.

jmk said...

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelove!

Kapusta said...

Allie,

I have been reading your brilliant, tragic, poignant slice-of-life stories for a good while now, but have never felt the urge to comment until now.

This is brilliant.

This thing right here, that you did, on this website? Brilliant.

What always gets me about these posts are your illustrations. The amount of expression and movement you're able to get out of these characters never ceases to amaze me, and this post is no exception. In fact, I think this is your best work yet.

Many thanks for enduring your life, your eternal struggles, and making us laugh in the process. Whatever it is that you're doing to please the Gods of Funny, please keep doing it.

-Jake

Kapusta said...

Allie,

I have been reading your brilliant, tragic, poignant slice-of-life stories for a good while now, but have never felt the urge to comment until now.

This is brilliant.

This thing right here, that you did, on this website? Brilliant.

What always gets me about these posts are your illustrations. The amount of expression and movement you're able to get out of these characters never ceases to amaze me, and this post is no exception. In fact, I think this is your best work yet.

Many thanks for enduring your life, your eternal struggles, and making us laugh in the process. Whatever it is that you're doing to please the Gods of Funny, please keep doing it.

-Jake

Glitzy said...

I am crying from the laughter. Oh, your posts always make my day. Poor puppy.

Anonymous said...

Goose vs. Blanket--Winner Goose
Dog vs. Blanket--Winner Blanket

Anonymous said...

Goose vs. Blanket--Winner Goose
Dog vs. Blanket--Winner Blanket

Anonymous said...

I had a dog growing up that also was not the brightest bulb on the tree. For the blanket test he just laid down and took a nap. For the treat test he just barked at the cup until finally my mom moved the cup because the barking was driving her crazy...come to think of it maybe he wasn't so dumb after all...

Anonymous said...

This post had me sitting in my uncle's kitchen table laughing aloud like a mad woman until my uncle was concerned for my sanity.

Thank you so much for the hilarious text and pictures!

Your newest fan,
Paola

JessiKitty.lol said...

LOL xD

Lydia said...

Made me laugh out loud throughout. Beautiful. Give your pup a cuddle, and bless you for trying so hard with her! She may not be the smartest pup on the planet, but she's well loved and I'm sure she loves you hugely in return.

Judybusy said...

Just got introduced to your blog via a commenter on Nancy Nall. It was very hard to laugh heartily yet quietly in my cube farm. Thanks--will now be following you on FB!

Anonymous said...

So happy to see another blog entry!!! I didn't think you could write anything funnier than the last one (or the one about the hate spiral that made me laugh until I cried--in an airport, no less; everyone was staring at me). But this entry about your dog made me actually hoot alarmingly. The very first picture of your dog going downstairs (or melting) set me off. Thanks for making my stomach hurt. Maybe I'll go lick the floor until if feels better.

Flavia from Brazil said...

So funny. Loved the illustrations! Please, keep us posted about her. I have 3, 2 girls and a boy and they are mental. The boy even fell down once while he was trying to pee...

NikkiDee said...

When I tested my dog, he knocked over the cup, picked up the cup in his mouth and walked away with it, leaving the biscuit there. uhh I think he failed. hahahah!

sinikl said...

I come from a background in pointing dogs. If you screw up a pointer/setter/brittany, etc, they can start "blinking" birds (ignoring them, even though they can smell them) because they're afraid of being hurt for doing the wrong thing (bad previous owner or training). Some dogs sit down instead of pointing, because they know "sit" is pleasing behavior, and dang it's hard to figure out what they want me to do with this pointing schtick.

The lying down submissive thing sounds exactly like that... "oh crap, don't screw this up... ah what to do... ahhhh SUBMIT[flop]".

a lot of treats may help.

That said, my English Setter still acts retarded occasionally despite never having been harshly trained. I blame him gnawing the old trim in our old house and getting lead paint chips in his brain.

Barnmaven said...

You have captured the tail-tucked-scoot-dash better than anyone else in the universe possibly could.

Kifaru1 said...

She's a hound...'nuff said:) I am owned by bassets. They only do what they want to and that usually involves food or petting.....

Splashy said...

I don't think your dog is retarded, she just wants you to think she is... That way if she does something right you give her extra special rewards for it.

Anonymous said...

OMG, I laughed and cried my way through this. I had a Sheltie that this could have been written about. (supposed to be a smart breed-this one was from the shallow end of the gene pool). My Australian Shepherd, however was one of the smartest dogs ever, could have passed with flying colors...just lost him a few weeks ago. :( doesn't matter though how smart or retarded they are, still gotta love that unconditional love that they give ya! Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

Almost all the behavior described in this story could be symptoms of severe anxiety caused by poor treatment in her previous home. If that is the case, your dog is most definitely NOT HAPPY when she does these "adorable" things, she's an emotional wreck. Don't take your vet's word for it that she's "just like that" unless you've given them a complete understanding of how the dog might have been treated previously and your vet has real training in animal behavior, not just animal medicine.

There are specialists in animal behavior who can help. For the sake of your dog, please find one and consult with them. This advice from one such person might help you find someone qualified in your area.

Jennifer Armintrout said...

It sucks that you used "retarded" so much, but the rest of this story was, sadly, like watching someone tell a story about my beagle. Stairs are like the riddle of Sphinx to him, and he licks all sorts of weird things. As I type this he's sitting next to me on my bed, licking the sheet and staring at me with a not-too-bright look on his face.

Lazarus Lupin said...

Hey it's cool, we had a cat that we were 90% sure was retarded, autistic, martian and we loved it dearly. And in time there will be some improvements overall just as the environment becomes ingrained.
Good luck, and you are one of the good people!!

Lazarus Lupin
http://strangespanner.blogspot.com/
art and review

Anonymous said...

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caffeine

Jessy said...

This is probably one of my favorite posts you've done so far, because I can relate so very much to it. I have a dog that is as dumb as a box of rocks but so incredibly sweet and loyal that it more than makes up for it. Thank you for putting a very humorous spin on something that touches so close to home!!

Anonymous said...

I have never laughed so hard at anything on the net! I NEED video of this, STAT. Please record and upload immediately!

Walaka said...

It takes a lot to make me laugh out loud, shoulders shaking, while I am sitting in a coffee shop cruising the web. Thanks so much for a great post!

And good luck to you and your dog.

Mike said...

God I love dogs, haha!

Jessica said...

This is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time. I can't wait to look around and read more.

Sakky said...

I just have to say: this made my day! I was laughing so hard reading this I was crying. Then I promptly went to share it with everyone I know. The art really does it for me. I have the licking the floor image as my desktop now. ^_^

I'm glad your mentally challenged dog has a loving home where she can be herself - whatever that self may be. <3

Jack said...

My Dog Is also wierd. One day i was taking her out in the backyard and i was to tired to play with her so i just sat in the garage. the dog, noticing that I haven't come outside yet, Ran Barking like mad to the fence leading to the neighbour's backyard. i went out there telling her to stop and i found her staring at me and no-one was in the backyard next door.... i was fooled by my own dog.

leopardspotz17 said...

Aw, the poor dog. It's not her fault that the magic wizard cup stole her treat! Sometimes I question my cat's intelligence. She tried to lick a fan while it was going on the highest setting. She also likes to sit on lamps, often knocking them over and causing the room to go dark. But I think she did that just to annoy me. LOVED your post, it's been too long since your last updated. :D

Dogs You Love said...

This is a great story! The drawings really help show the whole picture.

emmariley said...

I know it's kind of lame to say so, but I feel like I should... Long time reader (and recommender- all my friends are hooked too) but first time commenter. I can't help it; I jump at any excuse to talk about dogs. I have a feeling that I'll be this way about my kids if I ever have any.

So, being totally honest, I'm kind of jealous that your dog isn't so smart, because I think having a genius dog is super overrated. Mine plays mind games with me all the time. For example, he'll get his Nylabone and put it in a big pile of something he wants to chew, like underwear or shoes or textbooks, and he'll start off chewing his bone until I stop paying attention, when he starts pulling contraband items out from under his bone and chewing them instead. Or sometimes he'll be chewing something he shouldn't and I'll tell him, "LEAVE IT!" and he'll start licking it instead and looking at me with this expression which totally says, "Who, me? Oh no, you're quite mistaken. I actually love this shoe. I would never hurt it. Look, I'm even licking it..."

Anyway...

Honestly, I love him, an absolutely stupid amount, but I'd probably prefer it if he was more like Kellie. A little slow but eager to please sounds way more manageable than smart enough to come up with new ways to covertly destroy your things on a daily basis.

emmariley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Silky said...

keep blogging your really funny! :D

Silky said...

keep blogging your really funny! :D

Silky said...

keep blogging your really funny! :D

Silky said...

keep blogging your really funny! :D

Silky said...

keep blogging your really funny! :D

Silky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah Lindahl said...

I love this post so much. You have totally captured the essence of a dumb, lovable dog in those pictures. I've come back to it again and again. I love the wizard comparison too.

Cheekyduck said...

Made my day cheers =)

Sallie said...

http://www.familybiking.com.tw/lost_cat.html

You will TRULY appreciate this

Quix said...

Hilarious. My dog growing up used to lick the windows. All the time. Like her life depended on it. She wasn't super dumb in other respects but dang, those windows.

Sammy said...

Upon reading this, my roommate and I HAD to see if OUR dog was retarded.

At least you're not alone in retarded-dog-ownershipness. Ours failed epically at every challenge, even when we administered the test multiple times.

Mike Firesmith said...

Marry me

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard the first time through this that I had tears running down my face and my normal reading posture devolved into an idiot smile and spontaneous bursts of laughter. Your dog reminds me of my sister's old dog. Is she part beagle?

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard the first time through this that I had tears running down my face and my normal reading posture devolved into an idiot smile and spontaneous bursts of laughter. Your dog reminds me of my sister's old dog. Is she part beagle?

J - Alternative Housewife said...

My dog would pass this test BUT he is afraid of the dumbest things. He will bark if neighbors walk up the stairs to their apartment but loud noises that startle ME do not phase him. He is also keen on any $2 stuffed toy from the local Goodwill store but will RUN AND HIDE from any of the many expensive dog toys (rubber newspapers, plush "shoes", ropes) we spend money on.

Leslie said...

years ago, I read something online about dogs responding to "refrigerator" and sure enough, mine did. a friend who watched my dog for a while somehow figured out that my dog, Tigger, REALLY RESPONDED to the word/name "falafel." I have no question my dog is challenged.

Loved the pictures!

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