Sneaky Hate Spiral

Most of the time, I'm pretty even-tempered.  Aside from the odd nervous breakdown or caffeine-induced bliss-seizure, I have the emotional variation of sand.  However, every once in a great while, I'll lapse into what I like to call a "sneaky hate spiral."

The buildup:

Sneaky hate spirals begin simply enough.  In fact, that is one of the hallmarks of sneaky hate spirals - they are merely the confluence of many unremarkable annoyances.

Your day begins poorly.


Before you've had a chance to recover from your unpleasant awakening, you are pummeled by a series of unfortunate events.  There are probably some loud and/or persistent sounds mixed in there, too. 


The little frustrations start to happen more quickly.  They ping against your psyche like hundreds of tiny pebbles.  


Eventually, the sum of the small annoyances begins to exceed your capacity for patience and rational thought.  All it would take to send you over the edge into a bottomless pit of angry hysteria is just one more tiny, little thing...

The turning point:

The turning point is usually a minor but slightly jarring incident, initiated by some force of nature that cannot be blamed or scolded - like gravity or sleeplessness or wind.  That last specification is very important.  In order to send you into truly batshit crazy hysterics, the final straw must cause anger that cannot rationally be directed outward in any way.


Your worn patience plus the inability to blame anything for your misery causes a chain reaction to take place inside of you.



The rage enters your body, but cannot exit through either the blame or personal responsibility pathways. It therefore must travel to the very center of you where it will fester and eventually rupture.  

Chaos:

When enough anger and hatred has accumulated inside of you, it will rupture through your pathetic sense of integrity and start spewing outwardly as if you are some sort of rage sprinkler, spraying your putrid hate all over anything that comes near you.   


You are officially out of control.   At this late stage, there is no way around it.  You are simply a helpless passenger in your psychotic war-machine of a body.   

529 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 400 of 529   Newer›   Newest»
crabbysister5 said...

I have been saying for years that the refrigerator buzzing was driving me crazy, but no one believed me. They didn't hear it. But now that you have immortalized it in your blog they finally believe. Thank you Allie, now my family thinks I am slightly less insane. (Tell me you hear the television humming, please)

crabbysister5 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lauren said...

you are a genius.

MommyTime said...

For somebody without children, you've done a damn good job capturing the pre-fluent mounting frustration that typically leads to low-blood-sugar, spinning-on-the-floor-in-hysterics, toddler-tantrum-in-aisle-3 displays at 5:30pm.

You are awesome.

Anonymous said...

i love you. and i love your blog. and i love this post. but i REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY miss youre everyday posting. you never post anymore. and im spiraling into depression because now i dont know what to look forward to.

Mike "Kosher" Kroll said...

You are a beacon of truth and knowledge...

This happens to me all the time.

GriffinWrites said...

There's a cure. It's called massive quantities of booze throughout the day. Every day. Then driving all around the city. Soooo relaxing.

Something She Dated said...

Hahahaha that was fucking brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!

angryjedi said...

Oh dear Lord do I ever know about this. I'm good at festering rage and then exploding in Hulk-esque fury. I normally use my blog and Twitter as a good outlet, so I don't normally have to let anyone get in the firing line in real life, though.

Dawn said...

OMG. This explains SO much. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

This was me yesterday, except my turning point was not being able to find the stapler. It was so horrible :(

Terry Elisabeth said...

Hilarious !! also frighteningly familiar.

Ball Lightning said...

Love it!

dances alone said...

it's all been said but I just have to add my props for that hilarious post. I have thoroughly enjoyed all your stuff but this had me laughing out loud uncontrollably through the whole thing. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who yells "WHY THE HELL DO YOU HATE ME?!!?!??!" at innoncent little things like my shower curtain, a jar of jam, my purse, the rock in my shoe...very funny

xojustagirl said...

ba, ba, bamba *doo do dee do de do dee* ba, ba bamba...

guess who's going to have that stuck in her head for the rest of the day? ¡Yo!

Anyways, love love love. My dog becomes the victim of my hate spiral far too often. Usually late at night when he just wants to sleep in my bed with me. He makes one false move and I'm all "DL:KFJDSL:KFJSD:LFJKSDF I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU GO DIE IT IS ONE IN THE MORNING" and then i feel guilty, which just makes the whole situation WORSE. alas.

shaunadnauseam said...

Okay, so I was finally about to leave you a comment... I clicked the button and began reading; as one should before commenting themselves.

I begin to read... comment after comment.. I begin to hear this tinny sort of buzzing that seems to be coming from somewhere near the kitchen light fixture.. I continue to try and read; to focus on all the comments. I notice that many have already said what I might say.. I notice some have deleted their comments.. I'm intrigued. I start imagining what these people left for you, that they now feel the need to take back.. it begins to dawn on me that the buzzing is coming from my monitor..or maybe the comments themselves? It's harder and harder to focus.. I see that there's still more than half the comments to read.. I notice some trolling.. I love me some good trolling and can't wait to get some of my very own.. then I blank. The tinny buzzing has become overwhelming. I can't take it anymore --and now I forget what I was going to say.

Fug.

Abbie said...

This is the most accurate thing I've ever read. Ever. I couldn't stop laughing. I've had one of these weeks, so it was perfect timing. :)

Anonymous said...

I cannot believe, I just finished all 218 comments! Anyway, little "happy pill" really helps but I guess I will put your link on little pieces of paper and hand out to everyone that might be in need! As for cat butts, I have two of those, and they totally love to show them, while standing on my desk, in front of monitor.
I am new to your blog but already in love with you!

Claire said...

I remember hearing about this thing in Japan where you pay like $200 and you get to go into a room with a bunch of thrift store vases and breakable glassware and stuff, and you can just bust the shit out of everything with a baseball bat. Isn't that the greatest idea ever? I can't afford $200 or a trip to Japan, but when I'm in a state of rage, such as the one you describe, I like to picture myself in that glass room, baseball bat in hand, destroying everything around me. Always makes me feel a little better. Maybe you and my fellow commenters should give it a try. That or someone needs to start something similar in the US. Preferably for less than $200. Anyone?

mollination said...

MAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


Ahhh, that was hysterical. Everyone on the ferry thinks I have the downs and am just laughing at the passing seagulls and/or water surrounding the boat.

Jaleh D said...

*gasping for air* Oh my. hehehehe

First I was laughing so hard over your post. I have had my share of days like this. Realizing I'm being completely irrational just adds fuel to the insanity.

But I couldn't stop giggling reading through all the comments. Way too funny. I'll have to remember this page the next time I feel one of those sneaky hate spirals coming on.

cocacolna said...

awesome and true...as always :)

Heather said...

Unfortunately, I get these "sneaky hate spirals" at least once a week. Lately, because of family medical problems, I've been getting them even more often then that.

And you are totally right. It's stupid things, little things, random things, that escalate it to that point of no return. If one tiny thing had gone differently, maybe the spiral wouldn't have happened at all. And doesn't that seem like the worst part of all?

But I love your drawings. And for the record, I have no idea which hand you drew each drawing with.

Marianne said...

Allie!! I just read this and ended up laughing so hard I cried tears of pure joy (and not because I'm very very tired). The brain part was brilliant. Definitely me once-a-month. After reading, I immediately yelled for my brother to come downstairs and read it. He loves the briefcase falling out of the cabinet section. Anyhoo, we (and all of our friends) love you!! I'm toasting you with my Pahrple Drahnk mug (is that stalkerish?!)!

FatHeadedKlingonWoman said...

Kids and I just bonded over reading this post and laughing until we were teary-eyed and oxygen-deprived! The 'tearing shirt off' picture was the most howl-inducing. That and the brain and the cat-ass.

You're amazing. Truly hilarious.

NZMoores said...

Allie,

I wanted to marry you. Or at least have you stuffed and placed in the living room by the TV. Now I'd want Jack Bauer on hand to thigh shoot you whenever you go into the sneaky hate cycle. Veddy scary. When you are all better, holler. I will come out of my bunker. Waving a white flag. Ready to laugh or get married. But also ready to run and hide, screaming "Help me Jack Bauer!" Yikes.

Moira said...

well, if that's the case, i have a minor case of the sneaky hate spiral. @_@

MissJessKa said...

I'm not going to lie. I was having one of those sneak hate spirals. Literally I went bat shit crazy after a man pounded on his horn for 5 minutes straight, I ran out of money for the pizza guy and had to resort to counting change, 3 days in a rowI was woken up by a jack hammer at insane hours. I read this and my rage turned into a ball of laughter. Thank yoooou! I need you to remain this awesome forever, pllllzz :D

Frankie Bebop said...

jeeze that's like me twice a year, I just snap.

and I've done the wind one - it was my hair's fault.

Rachie3 said...

omfg I did a blog post about sleep yesteray.... now i'm pissed off because your version was the dsame...yet somehow better!!! RAWR why am I failure????????

Disaster Cat said...

Yup, except my uncontrollable rage is coupled with a complete sense of hopelessness - and I break out in tears, bawling with utter abandon.

Brian said...

That bird looks familiar.

tracytinkerbelle said...

EPIC WIN!! I giggled until I snorted!! Thank God I wasn't eating fried rice is all I can say.....

JoolieP said...

Ohhh, I'm so glad it's not just me! My hate spirals often begin with what I am dreaming in the morning. If it is a bad dream, I start out the day pissed off because of that, or if it is a good dream, I start out pissed off because the alarm woke me up. Either way, DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING??? LEAVE ME ALONE!

Anonymous said...

I hate the wind.

Carrie Miller said...

This blog entry is possibly the most comprehensive description of the life my husband and I lead. Series of meaningless, anger inducing events, until we reach DEFCON 1 Million. Still haven't figured it out. Shit.

lila said...

how much of the anger is dissipated by the fact that you put la bamba in the heads of hundreds upon hundreds of people across the internets?

therandomdancer said...

happens to me about once per month

and one time at subway (on a normal day) there was this new guy who put cheese on before pizza sauce and totally ended up getting the sauce ALL OVER the counters, i almost wanted to tell him how to do it after having seen it so many times, but it was SO FUCKING FUNNY!!!11ONEELEVEN

Sofi said...

My cat does that a lot...the showing his but to me part you know... it's disgusting.

Awesome post!

What about some spaghatta naddle next time, eh? I miss him!! ;)

Get well!

Naz said...

I unashamedly turned on the rage sprinkler yesterday.

divrn said...

Allie, your back, you're back, your backs back!!!!!!!!!!!YAYAAYAAAA

This is the first time I have posted. This is a Pulitzer Prize, American Book award, Oscar, Emmy, Tony,Golden Globe, Peoples Choice, TV Guide, Sundance Film festival and all around AWESOME
Award winner.
I couldn't decide on a compliment, one that would actually express how deeply I loved this post and you...so I will have to go with the ultimate.
You are the Bee's Knees!

last thing, I was doing ok controlling myself till I came to the cat ass! I literally peed the bed and then had to get up and change the sheets....damn cat asshole!

Anonymous said...

um, summed up my week. it was definitely a small child with n inability to reak the word "slik" that sent me into chaos. i tok the chaos outside to spare the small child's life and terrorized the neighbor's dog instead, which had awoken me at 5 am on monday with incessant barking, this kicking off my week of hell...
an now, i think lack of sleep may lead to a secondary meltdown. hopefully the lives of all small children will be spared.

C. Hansen said...

Sand huh?

K.Rudd said...

Please please PLEASE make the cheese triangles bit into a shirt on your store!! That is my ocd life every single day, and the universe is conspiring to kill me via subway cheese slices.

I'm pretty sure the subway man looks at me, cocks his head to the side, and then gently nudges the cheese triangle out of position and into CHAOS!

Anonymous said...

Thank you thank you for this post! I will never feel alone in my rage the next time this happens.

Once I was having a really bad day (in a small city in China) and I see this guy behind me points to my butt and then spreads his hands wide apart like you would tell somebody your prize fish was THIS big and he says "so fat!". I hit him on the arm and he smiles and acts like he's going to hit me back, which scares me, and then I start chasing him until he hops onto his friends moped and they take off but not before I can grab an apple off the back of a truck and try to throw it at him. I miss of course and that is actually the tipping point. And then I see all the Chinese people gathered around me enjoying the spectacle and I can tell some of them have never seen a foreigner, let alone a big, tall, blond foreigner who throws apples and screams in really bad Chinese at them, "why you speak me fat? I no speak you fat! That no good! Why you look me? I no look you!" Here i make a bug eyed staring expression at them. They keep staring and laughing. So I bring out the only thing I can say that I know I can say correctly in Chinese: "CHINESE PEOPLE ARE BAD!!!"
Then I went off in an dark stairwell and cried for 20 minutes.

Helmi

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I started laughing really hard at the happy paper and was crying by the time I got to the sadistic brain. This post added approx. five weeks to my life!

Helmi

Anonymous said...

this blog entry is made of pure awesomeness!

Xan... said...

Allie, I only have one thing to say to this article.



GET OUTTA MAH HEAD, GURL!!!

*laff*

y said...

Oh gods. I KNEW IT, YOU'VE BEEN BUGGING MY HOUSE.

Just kidding, mostly. That was *excellent* and I'm gonna post it in my work-cubie to scare my coworkers. Beside it I shall put up a sign that says something like 'BOTHER ME AND I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE.' Thanks!

Sato Travel said...

Sato travel is American based travel agency affiliated with US government travel agencies. SatoTravel is providing government travel solutions to U.S. military, retired and civilian government personnel since 1949.
http://www.satotravelinfo.com/

Sato Travel said...

Sato travel is American based travel agency affiliated with US government travel agencies. SatoTravel is providing government travel solutions to U.S. military, retired and civilian government personnel since 1949.
http://www.satotravelinfo.com/

Sato Travel said...

Sato travel is American based travel agency affiliated with US government travel agencies. SatoTravel is providing government travel solutions to U.S. military, retired and civilian government personnel since 1949.
http://www.satotravelinfo.com/

Harini said...

Happens to me a lot. It actually doesnt have to series of events. Just 3-4 tick me off :P.

Shinxy said...

I love you Allie and you're my hero BUT...

But...

People who are psychotic are only more violent than the rest of the population while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This is a common misconception about people with psychotic illnesses, one that causes a lot of stigma.

I still love you very much, I just want to educate you about this.

Thanks Allie.

Laurel said...

Definitely just woke my roommates up laughing. I wonder if that's more or less annoying than a terrible song on the alarm radio...

Deryn said...

oh dear sweet jumping jesus on a pogo stick. i'm crying laughing, i can barely type. especially after all the comments.

so nice to know i'm not the only one. just once a week or so, though, i swear. and it's usually lady gaga.

Hank said...

Evolve you animals EVOLVE!... Nice illustrations :)

Resty said...

Just yesterday I woke up EARLIER at 8am (usually 9am) because my GAY NEIGHBOR PLAYED THE WHOLE JUSTIN BEAVER'S ALBUM SO DAMN LOUD!!!
Errgghh and then something bad at the office and I successfully become one of those people in the pics you drew.

Mel said...

Well that explains why you didn't reply to my email.

You're hilarious!!

Roni said...

OMG you are a genius. The something bad happens schematic is AMAZING, both true and hilarious. Awesome post, you've done it again :-)

Lance said...

This post saved me from running amok and hurting many cute animals' feelings. Thank you, you are the funniest and the best blogger in the world!

Rocky said...

I was so having one of these days until I read this. Sneaky Hate Spiral has been caught red handed. So I'm going to take the rage out on it. Take that, hate spiral.

Andy said...

OMG! That was great! I laughed out loed several times!
http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/

Sarah said...

I try to vent long before I reach the point of going batshit crazy over surprise bug swarms or other, super-annoying things.

I've found that randomly dropping my pants while I'm at work and shuffling down an aisle, greeting customers as I go, relieves LOTS of stress before I have a total breakdown. :)

Canoe said...

Wow, that was pretty goddamn awesome! :D

Anonymous said...

My morning started by jolting awake to every annoying thing my cat has the ability to do, and then - hate spiral securely in place - I read this...and laughed hysterically for a few minutes.

Thank you for turning my morning around.

Elon said...

I hate those days. Especially when I can't find something to wear and I eventually end up throwing all my clothes everywhere in my room, because that will somehow make me feel better by knowing that ( have put the offending clothes in some kind of pain. (Yes, these things actually do run through my mind as I angrily throw things.)
But then once I calm down, I have to go back into my room and find all the crap I've thrown everywhere and then it ticks me off again.
It's like a never-ending cycle.
Thanks for understanding me.

michelle said...

Try working at Subway and knowing that you CAN arrange the triangles into a solid block so that you can get cheese in every bite, and TRYING to explain it to your hopeless coworkers. Apparently this concept is so hard to wrap your head around, only 1% of Subway employees worldwide can handle it.

P.S You draw better with your left hand than I do, and I AM left-handed

Dan Michael said...

Your ability to turn MS Paint drawings into absolute pure comedy is beyond funny. It is pure awesome.
Since finding your blog, I have become a total addict and cannot wait for each new installment. Words fail me every time I try to comment and mostly I end up not hitting the send button because I can never be as clever or funny as you, but goddam it I love reading your blog. The strip of sleep comics above is pure torture and you have nailed it. All Hail Allie Brosh!

Erinne said...

The only reason I'm reading this tonight and not tomorrow is because my brain won't shut up.

I'm not violently angry at it though, more just resigned that this is the state of things.

leslie said...

Allie - You are Spot-on! I am still laughing! Even your COMMENTS are hysterical!

Jesi said...

Yep...wind got me yesterday. Fucker.

leftyshears said...

Allie I think you will get what I mean; you ever get real sick (not puke sick, but like cant talk without dissolving into hacking-style sick) and although you are miserable, there's a latent giddiness because you know NO ONE WILL JUDGE YOU FOR BEING IN PAJAMAS ALL DAY and your significant other is making you tea, and you eat only popsicles and juice? Well, imagine that PLUS having unlimited time to read your blog!! HOORAY I finally read every post! Yay pestilince!

leftyshears said...

Misspell; pestilence.

Michelle said...

Can you really blame him, though? The cheese triangles *don't* go like that.

linda said...

You are brilliant!

I was sure at around 5:30 a.m., your character would get the best sleep of his life and then La Bamba would start at 6 a.m. That always happens to me - drives me nuts.

Love this.

Sarah said...

Oh Holy God. This is fantastic. Thank you SO much for this :D

AMBELLINA said...

I so love you. Thanks for all your effort to make us laugh at ourselves a little more.

funnelwebkitten said...

Where did you hide the cameras? That's me to a tee at least once a week.

Is nothing sacred anymore 8-)

Terri said...

I'm a lawyer. A public defender. Luckily, I have hapless and helpless clients to take it out on when this happens to me!

Ellery said...

As always, the only way almost as good as sex to start the day!!

Renee AKA "GOP Baby" said...

Darlin', you make me laugh so hard I cry! I needed that. ;)

PS: you are brilliant.

Kris and Scott said...

No two ways about this. THIS ROCKS! You have all the classics (kitty butt, incessant bird chirps, computer malfunction, and red lights!) And thanks for the illustration on the chain reaction. I had no idea about the hatred purification and amplification center! Genius.

Libby said...

Incredibly funny and incredibly accurate!

Members Only Last Member said...

SOOOO Much Win, I Cried a little.

Gordon said...

I was having one of these today as I often do, but reading this and laughing at the pictures has avoided a meltdown. Thanbks!

Shannon said...

OMG, cheese triangles. This kind of rage happens about once a month...I almost freaked out about that a couple of days ago.

Anonymous said...

hilarioussss

Just.Kate said...

Get out of my hate center!!!!!

(Eerie. Just eerie.)

Keely said...

Dear Allie,

You have been making me laugh so very hard lately that I finally gave in and started reading your blog from the beginning. Why I didn't do this sooner, I can't tell you, but you'll be pleased to know that your shear awesomeness finally got to me. You win.

However, I might have to warn fellow readers of an unexpected side-effect of consuming large quantities of your blog in a short-ish period of time.

You see, while I swear that I am smart/educated enough to know this is possible, I'm pretty sure I've caught ADHD from you. Or maybe not caught it exactly, because I highly doubt that it's permanent. More like a contact high--contact ADHD!!--which will surely wear off whenever I can pull myself away from your blog for an extended period of time.

However, I'm pretty sure I caught it, because my attention span, which I would usually describe as "definitely unimpressive, but almost certainly somewhere near normal," has dropped to the degree that I have been cleaning my apartment/reading your blog/getting ready to go to the grocery store since 11am, and the only thing I have managed to accomplish besides laughing so hard my boyfriend keeps looking at me funny is taking a shower, which as you might notice, was NOT on the original list. Like, I'm pretty sure I've put two cups, one spoon, and one plate in the dishwasher, which totally doesn't count as cleaning my kitchen.

On the other hand, maybe it isn't fair to blame you for my predicament. Because my brother, and my other brother, and my aunt, and my other aunt, and my cousin all have ADHD, so maybe I ALWAYS had it, it just hadn't decided to come out yet. Except, I've taken way too many psych classes to really believe that. You see, I have a minor in psychology, which as I explained to my little brother, means precisely nothing. My very insightful little brother then proceeded to ask me why anyone would bother to do such a thing, as it seems rather useless. My mother told him some shit about learning for the sake of learning, but I'm pretty sure little brother actually has the right idea.

So yea, I got a little side-tracked there, but I think my point was basically that this blog needs a disclaimer. Something like:

WARNING, reading this blog may result in unproductivity, uncontrollable laughing, and possibly give you ADHD. Probably not, but if you do have any crazy in you, it will probably bring it out. And it will probably infect you with its goofy sense of humor. This may make you think you are funny, but you are not, or at least not as funny as the author of this blog. Because she is awesome-r than you.

--------------

Anyhow, I just wanted you to know that, because you seem like a nice person who wouldn't want her readers to go crazy. But then, maybe we all read you in the first place because we're all a little crazy, but you're awesome-r at it than us, and you make being crazy COOL. Or something like that.

So anyhow. I talk too much, and you are awesome, and that is all.

--Keely

Teachthetrees said...

This post is fantastic! I've had this exact thing happen on random days, a whole wave of meaningless little annoyances that make you want to throttle mickey mouse or burn random inanimate objects with all consuming fire. Favorite drawing for me is the guy that gets hit by a (purse?) falling our of the cabinet. Love the whole Incredible Hulk shirt ripping rage. It's totally because you can't blame anything either. It's like Hulk only with no particular person to make him angry so you find him yelling at a spork instead. Keep it up Allie! This is one of the best things on the internet right now!

Tom Meltzer said...

PLEASE let me know if you ever print "The cheese triangles don't go like that" tee shirts, because I really, really need one.

Tom Meltzer said...

Just saw the "customize your own t-shirt" option. Oops! Never mind. :-)

Sarah said...

I just started reading your blog yesterday and it is extremely hilarious. Thank you for making me laugh until I sound like a 50-year-old with emphysema :D

Jami said...

You are probably too big of an internet star to read this, the 298th comment, but I feel severely traumatized and feel the need to share.

So...I'm a law school student who has refrained from murder and/or vandalism during the end of my first year by reading your blog. I like it, Alot.
I have started my summer job and, as a result, had many posts to catch up on today. I was reading this post, thinking (as always) "Yes, exactly. This is me... etc, etc."
Then a motherfucking mouse ran into the room.
Now, I feel the need to give a little background: I am compeltely and irrationally terrified of mice. I don't know why. Maybe it started when a mouse ate a tunnel through my baby sister's first birthday cake. Perhaps it is related to my step-father's habit of pretending to catch a mouse and then chasing me around the house as a screamed and cried. Maybe, as a baby, I was in a fight to the death with tough sewer mice. I don't know. Regardless of my terror's origins, it exists and it is awful.
Now that I've seen one, I know the house is infested. I'm going to be unable to sleep for fear of them climbing into my bed and burrowing into my eye socket. I'll be unable to eat for fear of their filthy vermin feet trampling over my food and spreading mouse-AIDS. I can no longer love my husband. He thought it was "cute."
Worst of all, the evil rodent ruined my enjoyment of your blog.

I don't know how I will go on.


Love,
Jami

justadrienne said...

Thank you for making me laugh hysterically once again!

That's what she said...

lol

that's J-O-S-H said...

The cat butthole part is sooooo true! STOP LOOKING @ ME YOU DIRRTY LITTLE HOLE!

Pateeta said...

Wow. It's like you're my separated-at-birth twin.

jillsmo said...

OMG I think I'm dying, this is so fucking hilarious. The constant La Bamba playing in the background just KILLS me.

London Girl said...

HILARIOUS. And so, so true. <3

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud then sent it to my co-worker who just had a whole week like that. I hope it makes him laugh too.

Annah said...

Subway cartoonie.... F*cking hilarious. Just don't kick my cat please, he'll cut you.

Graygrrrl said...

I want this on a poster! It perfectly describes my life (and more specifically last Turhsday). Maybe you can print it on 4x6 cards you can pass out to people when you are caught in a sneaky hate spiral. That way they will know to avoid you and/or forgive you your outburst!

Terri said...

Even with La Bamba stuck in my head, you still rock . . .

I'm another of the sand people. I am mild-mannered and even-tempered. We are the most dangerous. We are seething pits of rage and resentment.

The other day I was standing in the kitchen getting ready to scream, "My vitamins are too big!" when the phone rang. It was a telemarketer. It was like heaven sending me a perfect fast ball right over the plate. I hit it out of the park. Served her right to, calling me at 8:00 in the morning trying to make a sale . . .

Hate spiral averted, all became right with the world.

Penguin said...

I love you Allie! I know this does not make me unique, but I wanted to proclaim it anyway. Oh, and I can totally tell that that's a mug, not a briefcase/purse. THAT'S how much I love you.

Anonymous said...

I'm like totally exhausted from your bad hair day :-/ - hilarious

Jenn said...

I'm only slightly alarmed that you've somehow infiltrated my psyche and presented it for the world to see.

I'd probably be super freaked if not for the fact I've slammed some bubble gum flavored vodka.

Akala said...

Man, this happens to me way too much. Especially that sleep thing. Just last night, I kept turning over and becoming more and more annoyed as I looked at the clock at 12:23am, 2:15am, 3:32am, and 5:55am (I liked that one, except for that I was awake to see it,) and finally at 6:53am which was seven minutes before my alarm went off. I'm pretty sure I was screaming into the pillow by that point.
And then I had to go to work and my boss was an ass all day even though she wasn't even there (she's quite skilled that way.)

Also, my brain believes you live at hyperboleandahalf.com instead of hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com, because I'm pretty sure that, while I know it's on Blogspot, it's so awesome that it should be on it's own page (even though then you'd technically lose all your followers.)
What a dilemma. Brain, stop hating me.

George T. said...

Just a quick comment: As someone who previously worked at Subway, I really don't think it makes sense for the cheese to arranged so, but that's how we're told to do so. As stated several times in the "training", it's so the sandwiches will look like they do in the pictures. It's basically all about appearance. If people really have an issue with it, they can ask for it to be placed otherwise or order shredded cheese. Otherwise, why blame the employees for arranging sandwiches the way they're told to?

Anonymous said...

I've never seen such an accurate depiction of cat butt. I laugh because it's all so true.

Carlos said...

I believe you should know this information... I think you have changed the world.

http://i.imgur.com/zZrOf.jpg

Jessica said...

AHHH this is me, except I'm not very even-tempered. Kind of dramatic, kind of a lot (alot? muah-hah-hah).

Except you'd have to add "static in wintertime" to the forces of nature. I go absolutely batshit over static every time (the "sticks your hair to your face" kind, not the "makes your clothes clingier" kind). I've got to get it under control.

Other than that, thanks for cartooning my cycle of crazy in an entertaining and easy-to-understand format for others to read and understand :o)

Love you, love the blog!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if I ent my last comment. I love your blog but there's a mistake, it is "necesita", not "neceSSita".

caaanita said...

Drawing 7 = left hand?

Love this, Allie, you genius.

Ktbug Ladydid said...

Perfect timing with this one Allie. I was having a sneaky hate spiral, and the bf was inadvertently in its destructive path. So, instead of trying to yell at him on all the stupid ways I'm angry that are no one's fault, I just showed him this. Also? This made me laugh so hard I cried. My roommate now thinks I'm more crazy (than she previously assumed)

AURORA MEGAN said...

This was me today. Seriously. Oh my God.

Sean said...

TESSELLATED CHEESE TRIANGLES HOW DO THEY WORK?

Damn you forever, Subway guy.

I'mPissedOffBecause said...

Dude, I feel you. I get especially hate-y in the mornings when I'm not really awake. If ever I walk into a wall or something (which is often) I immediately think with alarming clarity, "I hate you wall." It just pops into my head without conscious decision. But I guess I hate walls.

http://pissedoffbecause.blogspot.com

Ashton King said...

I think this is my favorite post ever... and I especially love how you've got a Spanish song playing in your head the whole time (I speak Spanish, btw, so it fascinates me). The cat butt and "I'm a bird!" made me literally lol though. :)

Kat said...

Ok my apologies if you get this post twice because my laptop is an HP as in Hopelessly Pathetic!!

I can totally relate to everything in this one; my refrigerator likes to remind us it's there every 10 minutes!! We have found a way to shut it up!! We stick a 3 ring binder between it and the counter. We do have to adjust it, usually in the morning every 10 minutes or so.

Then there are the cats; especially the one who follows me around mewing like "Holy shit, I am a cat and you are my human and you may have forgotten me even though I fought with the other cat (AKA Satan's cat) all night because even though we are both neutered males we still feel the need to fight over who is the alpha male. And you know this because your precious infant was awake at 2:00 because she is a nursing infant who would rather eat her fists than take a bottle and even though you are drinking decaf she still wakes up at 2:00. And even though she went right back to sleep after you fed her YOU did not because your stupid brain won't SHUT THE HELL UP!! So now you are going to give me water and feed me and I will throw it back up on the carpet of your rental house but you will not find it until you and your beautiful daughters are ready to leave, running late and are about to walk out the door with like 5 heavy bags on your shoulders and carrying an infant in her unbelievably heavy carrier. And you will have to put it all down to clean up my mess and then clean the carpet. Then when you have all your stuff back on your shoulder as soon as you open the front door to awkwardly walk outside, I will dart out and before you know it I will be over at your neighbor's front door, and you will have to drop everything again to come and chase me back to our house.

Thank you for this awesome blog!!
You ROCK!!!

Alex@LateEnough said...

I cannot believe that I didn't even know that you weren't in my life. But now I know... YAY!

Oh and I totally think that birds are mocking me EVERY SECOND OF THE DAY.

Alezaa said...

A-FLIPPING-MAZING!!!!!

Victoria Elizabeth Windsor said...

Dear Allie,

Sometimes when you draw things that are horrifyingly annoying and put smiley faces and "LOL" on them, it makes me laugh so hard some of my internal organs come out.

This is all your fault, so I hope you are willing to pay my medical bills. But keep posting. I'd rather read your blog than have organs, anyways.

Love,
Isabelle

Anonymous said...

GREAT POST!

Breathe Gently said...

Yeah. That's me. Down to the insane cat and HORRIFIC BEES IN MY FLAT.

Michelle said...

fucking brilliant post, one of the best i've ever read!!! will definitely pay your blog another visit! hope you're having an unpsychotic day today :)

groovacious said...

Haha this is hilarious!

Chuck said...

This is the like the entirety of WhiteWhine.com summed up into one entry.

FabuLeslie said...

Ok, this is hilarious stuff. Glad I found you through You've Got to Be Kidding Me. I love that the song is going through your head all day, and "stop taunting me with your powers of flight!" SO funny.

cajunspicemonkey said...

I was serenaded by 216 birds at 5 AM , rolled over to see my chihuahua munching out on his junk on the pillow next to my head, stepped on 4 chew toys, took a shower with a spider oggling my nakedness to finally turn on my computer and see your post!! Hilarious and creepily similar to my morning. XD

Anonymous said...

Bisnis Online

Bisnis Internet

Kyle said...

Allie Brosh never stop being amazing. That is all.

MikeTheInfidel said...

THIS IS THE BEST BLOG EVER.

Penelope said...

My husband is in the midst of a sneaky hate spiral that was in fact pushed over the edge by the wind. I told him he should read your blog post, but he is still too grumpy.

Shawna said...

The only thing you failed to include in your post is the ability to handle legitimate issues, like Husband loses his job, yet the damn coffee falling off the counter results in all the dishes being thrown from the cabinet...

Amelia.Swee said...

hoping to hear more from you veee veee soon!(:

Nancy C said...

This is amazing. I am in love with this blog now.

Alex said...

I think you've described every morning for me.

I wake up at 7:00am. Now, I don't need to be up until 7:15 so I am ridiculously angry at the 15 minutes of sleep that have been denied to me and lie in bed for 15 minutes in festering anger.

After getting up, things improve a little- I have a warm shower, food, clean clothe- but then it is the bane of my morning: contact lenses.

Now my normal, spherical right eye is a more welcoming participant, inviting the contact lens for tea and biscuits. Admittedly, his mood fluctuates though, to the point that one time he let the contact in, got sore about it, and spat it our again as I was walking down the road.

However, my left eye is bad-ass. He...wait for it...is slightly oval shaped. So using the prescribed contacts for spherical eyes (because oval ones wouldn't work) I try to put it in. The hired-hands, the thugs, the henchman- AKA eyelids- blink and the contact lens caves, literally folding in half.

With immeasurable patience, I try again...and again...and again. After dropping it 3 times- meaning I then have to clean it- I abuse myself and repeatedly poke myself in the eye until the contact is in.

You may think this is a somewhat happy ending but no: I end up walking around with bloodshot eye all day: leaving society in wonder and fear of what I have faced.

Justin said...

This is, by far, my favorite post in the history of forever

Kelley said...

La Bamba makes me want to gouge out my eyes with flaming shishkabob skewers but the MACARENA makes me want to gouge out mine & everyone else's eyeballs, dip them in hot lava & feed it to your ALOT with only a thimble of water to douse the feeling of fire in his mouth. Wow. That was violent. I am not ever like that (I am patting down my hair & glancing nervously around in hopes no one witnessed that insanity)!! Maybe I should reading your posts featuring angry stick figures with jagged shark teeth?? NEVAH!!!! Seriously, I love your stuff.

Andre Martinez said...

Great stuff Allie!

Pete56 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pete56 said...

I belong to 'The Musicians Commitee to Abolish the Playing of "Mustang Sally" ' .
La Bamba needs a similar committee, as does Sweet Home Alabama.

Princess Sunshine said...

Allie, I love you. You make me LOL.

SelcouthWonders said...

Hahahahahahahah. I wish I had more words. But unfortunately my wit is low and my word vocabulary is fizzing out. Uhm. So. . .

:B!

mr_josephus said...

Ah, the colorful spinning wheel of death. I know it well... my workplace is all Mac computers. Which would be just fine if we actually had competent technical support. But we don't. So, every day, we get to see those pretty, polychromatic spinning wheels of cybernetic frustration visit us with greater and greater frequency.

And then people wonder why I have a PC at home. Duh... :-)

Love the blog, BTW. Be well!

kevinreitz said...

I feel like this post may be the antidote to the Sneaky Hate Spiral.

吐息 said...

大人 玩具大型ホールあなる名器の証明ペペローションセブンティーンテンガオナホローション激安 ローター

Luke said...

very Alain de Botton today...

Shirily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shirily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shirily said...

you know your "best of" links on the right sidebar? you need to update it with the ALOT, i'm not dead, and easter bunny posts!
oh and this one too, duh.
xo
p.s. i love the "i'm a bird" doodle callback.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Im sorry to have laughed at your misery, but it was damn funny. Probably because I too had a mini meltdown this weekend.

Nick said...

A victory for the internet.


http://i47.tinypic.com/246rqjl.jpg

Anonymous said...

Nobody could have described this process better. So true. Amazing! Loved it.

Jamie said...

OMFG this has been MY LIFE the last couple of days SRSLY.

LOL'd for reals. Great post.

jeillybean said...

FINALLY! I started at the first post, and finally made it to here! :D Is it wrong that I feel overly accomplished?

Charmaine said...

Well! I believe it happens very often in our life and you put them in a very humorous presentation.

Anonymous said...

I nominate this for the awesome button? http://www.youtube.com/user/SororityDORKS
Can I do that? I doubt it. Can I try?... I just did.
This blog makes my life a crazier, brighter, happier place. Thank you!

Name: Ray Forrest said...

"Haha, NO!"
Fantastic Allie :)

Ted said...

I totally second Jenn Holton on the desire for spinning beach-ball shirts. "You must wait" on the front and "You must wait more" on the back. Sold.

Also since I think this is my first comment ever on your blog, I love your mostly-illustrated posts alot. The series of illustrations in the dentistry post showing the tooth getting filed and capped are just about my favorite thing ever.

Anonymous said...

I never usually comment, but HAD to on this post, because this has completely been me the last two days.

Examples include this morning when my Mum innocently walked past my room whilst I was doing my hair, which wasn't going right, and she sweetly suggested that a flower might look pretty. My exact response was "DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! RAAAAAAGE!!"

Also, the asshole wind blew my hair into my lipgloss this morning. I have a feeling I might snap again at some point today, probably somewhere inappropriate. Like in the middle of the court hearing I'm sitting in on.

Thank you for the belly laughs, you wonderful girl :)

Melissa x

Anonymous said...

Yeah. I'm a commercial helicopter pilot, but can't find any work so I've been working in a bakery. I stopped going today.

I didn't quit, I'm just not gonna show up anymore.

A sum of small annoyances added to the fact that I don't belong there.

Kelly said...

I commented yesterday on an old post...or it might have been the day before. I don't even know anymore. Because of you, I stayed up until two in the morning last night and the didn't get to sleep until almost six in the morning the night before. I had to finishing reading everything you had ever posted because it's all pure gold.

I was doing so well too...

I was going to bed at midnight and getting up at a reasonable hour. Now thanks to you, I'm also nocturnal! Eh, I guess it's not so bad though. My only real responsbilities are feeding my dogs (read: horses) and making sure my house doesn't smell like a mound of cooked cabbage on top of a litter box.

Anyway, you have a new reader for life in me. Keep up the great work! I hope you get famous so I can live vicariously through you. I feel like we're in the exact same situation (not being able to hold down and job because of various mental issues and unreasonable fears) since I'm stuck at home by myself doing nothing most days too.

Thanks for making my days not so boring! :D

p.s. I know there's probably a typo in there somewhere...please don't judge me! :P

p.p.s Also, don't judge me for the emotes either. I just can't help myself anymore. Those things are fu*king everywhere now. And some of them are so cute that they make my body want to explode from the cuteness. Like this one:
t(-_-t)

p.p.p.s (damnit...) I'm sorry if this gets posted twice. Just delete one. Stupid preview button...

Bingo Little said...

You know, it's probably bad that as much as I love the article, the thing which lingers afterwards is "Does anyone ever have that many emails? How much of the junk is actually junk? I wonder what the two drafts are?"

NicCuinn said...

Thank you for explaining how this happens. Now I have a name for my disorder. ;)

thoughtsappear said...

I love the picture of waking up to a cat on your face! That's me almost every morning.

Mr. Susan said...

My god, I cannot remember laughing so much in a long time. Really. And yes, as everyone else noted, this too applies ridiculously well to my life.

So glad I copied your blog name down with ninja stealth from the person sitting next to me at my uni library reading this. I felt a bit creepy at the time, but it was worth it!

Tina said...

Now I understand why customers would yell at me about cheese and vegetable placement when I worked at a sandwich shop.

Elizabeth Kaylene (elizawhat.com) said...

I'm trying really hard not to have "La Bamba" stuck in my head now. I definitely have, "I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird," stuck in my head though!

I missed your posts! Any Spaghatta Nadle coming up anytime soon?

Kristen A. said...

Well that song will officially be stuck in my head all day, especially now that I have words to refer back to instead of "ALALALALA BAMBA! LALALA BAMBA manwieroiwaijpoiwjaer (<-- incoherent mumbling). And so begins now-not-so-sneaky hate spiral.

Anonymous said...

And then just wait 'til mercury goes into retrograde!! The fun never stops.

Azzie Bastin-Lane said...

So true and funny :)

valkyrie said...

OMG sneaky hate spiral.
best name ever!

you finally gave me a name for my weirdo bipolar anger.

now every time this happens i get to yell F*&#ING SNEAKY HATE SPIRAL!!!! over and over and over....

that makes me so happy i don't even know what to do.
: ]

lizzieborden said...

I'm so utterly thankful for this post more than most things in life. Don't get me wrong, I realize everyone has these type of horrible days, but most of my friends refer to them as "Liz Days". NOW with your awesome-ness, I can tell them, NO it's not "having a Liz day" but a Sneaky Hate Spiral! You rock.

Rob said...

"I'm going to make everything feel like suffocation & burning!" and "Are you also better than fire?" are two of the best lines ever written.

Keep up the great work!

KBerly. said...

Dear Allie,

I am only posting this because I think you would want to get it right. I browsed all of the other 380 comments to make sure no one else had corrected you on this already so as not to incite another hate spiral.

"Necesita" is only spelled with one "s;" not two.

I will agree with everyone that your blog was hilarious, but the misspelling nearly threw me into my own sneaky hate spiral.

Sincerely yours (and a huge ALOT fan),

Kimberly

Anonymous said...

KBerly, I already had corrected the mistake ;)

Anonymous said...

KBerly, I already had corrected the mistake ;)

Lil'Fel Rocks the World said...

Wow I had a sneaky laughter spiral while reading your blog/cartoon for the first time.

Heather said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long, long time.

Sue said...

This puts into exact words how I feel on an almost daily basis. I don't know how my friends put up with it....

Ktbug Ladydid said...

I just had to say, thank you. This was a most well-timed post! I was in the final throws of a sneaky hate spiral, directed at an unsuspecting boyfriend, when suddenly, I saw this! And laughed so hysterically he thought I'd gone (more) mad! So, I showed it to him, and could finally explain that I was mad, but not for any logical reason. If that makes any sense. I also got to say that I was mad, but not at him, and there was nothing he could do about. Just sit back, and eat some popcorn, and enjoy the show.
:)

Bri said...

LOL! I attempted to fight the wind today.... kicking and punching the air just looked crazy. Wind 1, Bri 0.

Bri said...

LOL! I attempted to fight the wind today.... kicking and punching the air just looked crazy. Wind 1, Bri 0.

Muffin said...

...bubble
...bubble.
...bubble...

(explode)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???
...he ended up ordering orange juice instead.

KILLFACE said...

You can't beat a good cat rectum.

Danielle W said...

"Have me met? I just yelled at my dog for breathing too loud. " - this made me laugh uncontrollably against my will.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious stuff! I love the drawings. I'm trying to get my own humor blog off the ground (www.lgreport.blogspot.com) and you are my new idol. Keep up the great work, you're bringing a lot of people laughs. I'll be back regularly!

Andrea said...

I think this is also my favorite post to date. The parts with the cat make me laugh until I cried. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!

Joseph Shields said...

I'm glad so many people share my difficult relationship with wind. I think I have my hair the way I want it to look and then the wind says, "no your hair should go eight different directions. See, isn't this better?" No wind it sucks. Jerk.
As long as you are raging, would you join me in yelling at my radio when the DJ decides we want to hear him talk over the song. That ruins my day, in case you were wondering, which I know you are.

Awesome Dan said...

I have woken up in the same situation as poor red shirt there. Instead of yelling at the cat and calling it an asshole, I ended up sliding across a tile floor wearing very slippery socks. The night did not end well.

Anonymous said...

holy crap I love you. in the most non-creepy sense of the phrase. I know you have gotten approximately 692309 comments saying this before, but you seriously truly should have a published book. thank you for a much-needed laugh as the last thing I do before heading to sleep.

Denise said...

I think there needs to be an addition to the Anger Organ diagram: A humor valve. Of course while the Sneaky Hate Spiral is building it is jammed shut, but reading this very post brought me out of my own Sneaky Hate Spiral (including the thing about the g-d fridge!) because the humor valve exploded open and I LOL'd at work. Really!

tough girl said...

Thanks for your lovely comment!
Love your blog! It's really cute!

tough-girl-being-tougher.blogspot.com

Lewis Siragusa said...

BEST. POST. YET. I see SO MANY tee shirts spawning from this little burst of genius.

RJS said...

I've read this four times, and I laugh *more* each time. I agree with the previous commenter, the little smiles on the images are perfect. This whole post is perfect.

S.M. Carrière said...

That is precisely what happens! I laughed so hard as I recognised this "spiral." Thanks so much for the morning giggles.

amindinmotown said...

Gah, sooooo unbelievably true and on point. I think you described all of us somehow. Ha.

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 400 of 529   Newer› Newest»