Expectations vs. Reality

The other night, I randomly decided that it would be a good idea to watch a horror movie.  For some reason, I thought that everything would turn out okay even though I hadn't watched a horror movie in years exactly because nothing is ever okay after I watch a horror movie.  

But on that night, for no particular reason, I felt like I could handle it.  



Immediately after I turned off the TV, a feeling of apprehension welled up inside of me.  I could feel my psyche organizing what I had just seen into a highlight reel that will be freely embellished by my own imagination and then called upon to torture me for the rest of my life.  It will be dredged up over and over, turning innocuous everyday occurrences into terrifying threats against my survival.  Every noise that is not immediately identifiable will make me think that there's something in my house that is trying to kill me.   


I know that this is what will happen because it has happened before.  In hindsight, there was absolutely no reason to believe that it would not happen.  But for some unknown reason, I ignored a lifetime's worth of cautionary evidence and pranced merrily onward into the unavoidable consequences.   

Blind optimism and impulsivity often cause me to ignore logic and instead make decisions based on a hopeful projection of what's going to happen next.  It's like I forget everything I've ever learned about the things that generally don't end well when I do them.  And then I'm somehow surprised when things don't happen the way I expected.  

Take dancing, for example.  Despite hours spent watching instructional YouTube videos, I still lack the ability to move my body in a way that does not resemble a structurally unsound robot.  

But then I go somewhere where people are dancing.  I join in and, at first, I just try to keep it simple.


But after a little while, I get tired of repeating the same dance moves.  I start wanting to try something new. This is when that little bit of blind optimism creeps in and makes me believe, deep down in the very core of my being, that not only am I capable of shaking it like Beyoncé, but that is exactly what I should be doing. 


But something about the move I've just attempted feels "off."  


This is usually the point at which I am abruptly snapped out of my fantasy where I am graceful and sensual, into reality where my body is contorted into a vaguely gargoyle-like shape.


I am immediately filled with shame and regret. 


I begin to wonder why I would ever assume that I was capable of making my body do what I had pictured it doing.  My coordination is questionable even while performing simple tasks like walking or putting food in my mouth.  In college, I took a dance class and at the end of the year, the only thing my teacher wrote on my evaluation was "Allie tries hard." Nothing I have ever done would indicate that I have the potential to dance like Beyoncé.  But I didn't consider that.  

Another thing that almost always ends in direct contrast to how I had imagined is singing while other people are present. 

One time I went on a road trip with my college roommate, Julie.  I really liked Julie and I desperately wanted her to like me back, but she was quite judgmental and there is a lot about me to judge, so our time together was usually just a series of tense moments in which I tried my hardest to escape judgment long enough to win Julie's approval.

We had just left town, the sun was setting, the windows were down, the radio was playing and I was suddenly overcome with the desire to be a part of a montage-worthy car-singing duet.  In my head, it was the perfect opportunity to bond with Julie.  


I decided it would be a good idea to just start singing enthusiastically in order to get the ball rolling on fulfilling this pointless fantasy of mine.  


It soon became clear that Julie did not wish to participate in this potentially idyllic moment.  My enthusiasm imploded, leaving behind a black hole of awkwardness and insecurity.  


But I knew that if I stopped singing and just sat in silence, it would alert Julie to the fact that I was feeling awkward and insecure.  I had to pretend that I was unaware of the awkwardness I'd caused.  I had to keep singing.  


I mumbled the rest of the song quietly, turning my head toward the window to give the illusion that the sudden reduction in volume was due to the sound waves being impeded by my head and not because I was embarrassed.  

This discrepancy between the way I imagine things unfolding and how they actually happen is most dramatic when I overestimate my ability to perform a pointless feat of athleticism.  I'll walk past a low-hanging branch and be struck with an irresistible desire to see if I can jump up and touch it with my face.  I'll see something heavy lying on the ground and suddenly need to know if I can pick it up.  There are absolutely no tangible benefits to doing these things, but the consequences are often significant.   


As I'm lying there, crumpled and broken from my most recent attempt at meaningless success, I feel complete bewilderment at the motivation behind what I just did.  There was no point.  I'm sure that the decision was based on some scrap of reasoning, but in retrospect it seems that chaos and unbridled impulsivity just collided randomly to produce a totally unexplainable action with no benefit and all consequences.  

624 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   201 – 400 of 624   Newer›   Newest»
Miss Amy said...

I relate very much to the dancing-like-an-idiot-though-still-believing-I-could-totally-dance-like-a-dancing-unidiot.

Your posts are usually the highlight of my day. You have a golden tongue...or golden fingers, as it were.

Yay! :)

DerTeaHound said...

Dear Allie - Please stop blogging about my life as it has become sufficiently similar that it's scary.

In all seriousness, the fact that we think so much alike is frightening. Have you ever considered publishing these blogs in book form? I think you'd do well now that I've read every entry. =)

Joe said...

To be sure, I also think I can dance like Beyonce. As a male this is most likely a charachter flaw. While dancing I find my feet are not moving and this explains why people are not dancing with me.

I embrace my abilities -or lack thereof- but soooo wish others would see them as positive qualities. Glad to see I am not the only person who oversteps their abilities.

Thanks so much.

gorillabuns said...

i love you and not in a creepy, stalkerish kinda way.

Laurie Brown said...

Oh, dear. I think you're my long lost.... self. I do those same things. And you describe them so wonderfully!

Corbin said...

This is one of my favorites. There's something intangible about it that I relate to.

Maria said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brianne said...

OMG, I watched Resident Evil once
when I was in the country. You know, small town, no street lights, farm animals everywhere... So I go outside to get in my car, and the horses have that blood thirsty stare, much like the zombie dogs, and I decided then and there it was not safe for me to be outside without a body guard.

Maria said...

I refuse to watch scary movies because they haunt me for months and months on end. I'm pretty sure the last one that I actually sat through was The Ring and it literally haunted me. Like, I would be going about my normal day to day activities and then all of a sudden a flash of something scary in my head would stop me in my tracks. It's very upsetting.

P.S. You're hilarious and totally inspire me. :)

Laura said...

This made me laugh so hard. I am exactly the same way on pretty much everything you described -- I can't even watch the tv show "Supernatural" without flinching at shadows afterward. I saw "Dawn of the Dead" when I was 19, and I've had an irrational fear of zombies since.

I'm now 30, and I still make sure all lights are off and the doors and windows securely shut before I go to sleep. Oh, and I make my husband check the shower and under the bed. Because you never know where the zombies might hide!

As for my singing and dancing skills . . . well, let's just say that tone-deaf and flailing is the kindest way to describe them. I don't do either in public ever. I did back in my early 20's, but I quickly learned the folly of that.

Jayasri said...

Lols! You are too funny! I stumbled on your blog a few weeks ago and I can't stop reading it! I definitely feel you on that dancing issue! Thanks for the post! you rock my socks! :D

Brenda said...

I have to say that I absolutely adore you and your blog. I have been reading it for the past week or so (starting from the most recent and working my way back) and I have finally realized why everything you say makes me think of myself. You have ADHD! I do as well. Reading your blog about cashing your check as well as this blog made me realize that all of the weirdness and insecurity that is me, is actually all due to ADHD. I'm pretty sure it makes us simultaneously awesome and pitiful. I wish that I lived near you so we could have some sort of ridiculous ADHD adventure. It would be superb and probably awkward for everyone but us.

sej said...

GIRLYMAN?? You're singing "Hey Rose"!!

I loved you before because you are funny, but the appreciation of GIRLYMAN takes it to a whole 'nother level, baybee!

Jessica said...

Oh yes... the dancing. I have been there, and at an office Christmas party no less. :(

Anonymous said...

OMG. I still see that creepy girl from The RIng shuffling down my hall if I wake up at 2 a.m. Yet I watch Dexter before i go to bed. I know. I have issues.

BTW I am sure someone thinks you look like Beyonce when you buts your move. As they say, love is blind. :)

leafonatree said...

"INCONGRUITY DETECTED".
This blog has me laughing to the point of tears EVERY time I read it. I love it.

Dan said...

When I first saw the post title, the movie 500 Days of Summer came to mind. There's a great scene where the screen splits into 2 sections. One showing the protagonists expectations of how a party was supposed to go and the other is what actually happened :)

anne marie in philly said...

my first comment after finding you through the ravelry LSG group - YOU ARE AWESOMESAUCE! I love your work!

Cortie said...

Awesomeness.

I understand your compulsion to do things that will most likely never turn out in your favor. When I do it, it usually involves saying something really loud that I think will be super funny and witty but everyone else things is stupid/horribly offensive and all the people around stop talking just as I say it and the bus driver gives me a mean look and then the lady sitting next to me moves to another seat....

ktaylor.ftw said...

This post simultaneously made me make inscrutable noises in fits of glee and then made me depressed from all of the embarrassing memories (it's a never ending collection; a lot like bad Michael Bay movies) it resurfaced of those tense moments where you really want to impress someone but you're you which makes doing that difficult, and you can't find the words, or any, for long and extremely awkward periods of time. And then, just so you can say something, you start talking about how much you like toothpicks because you can use them to clean your teeth and also to make tiny houses. Most people don't respond to that, but if you can find someone who does then you know he or she is a winner. Hasn't happened for me yet.

So, thank you, I guess, for that enjoyable and at times disheartening experience.

Skulda said...

Allie, you hit the nail of "real life" right on the head. :)

Although I am 27 years old, I still become afraid of the dark after watching a suspense-filled movie. For a little while I'm convinced an unseen force is lurking in the darkness and the second I turn my back on it I think it's going to approach me and attack me or... something! So I'll flee down the hall and leap into my bed (because the "something" might also be under the bed) and wake my husband from a deep sleep by bouncing him on the mattress.

I try and combat this by turning the light on everywhere I'm going and walking back to the room or hall I just left to turn the old one off just to avoid the dark.

And to think I consider myself an "adult".

thepracticaldragon said...

I agree with Cervus -- I want a "Dancing!" t-shirt! My brother's already getting me the double-sided "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" one for my birthday, so I may have to splurge and get one for myself now.

This is getting bad. Promise me you won't start making pants and shoes and stuff, OK? Because I will end up like my friend's 5-year-old, who is Hello Kittied out in every aspect of her wardrobe, only mine will be all Alliewear.

That would be awesome, of course, but I'm not sure the world is ready for Total Alliewear Elisa. I'm almost positive my husband isn't.

Now I want a bra with a CranShark on each boob.

Genevieve said...

If you were under the impression that the aforementioned dance moves weren't hot, then you are sorely mistaken. Their hotness is simply too hot for normal human opticals.

Human eyes are too full of weaksauce to appreciate how fantastic your roboticals are. True story.

That said, there's been all kinds of laughter at almost three in the morning because of this. Thanks for the chortles.

Kris said...

hahahaha! I totally empathize with ALL of this!

Kris said...

btw you should check out my blog!

Tobias Kussel said...

Don't tell us, you have'nt been warned of hostel... But great post.

InuitInua said...

I would have sang along with you in the car.
I am the same way with horror films. I like some of them but I get super paranoid during and after them. It has been known to last for up to 36 hours after watching said film.
Heck, I still feel paranoid about aliens after seeing the Fourth Kind. I bet it is b/c I saw it in theatre. Or b/c I am freaking terrified of aliens.

gé said...

Hi Allie
I wanted to thumbs up for your blog, and sharing your stories and experiences.

I first started to read your blog backwards, then as a lot of people did, decided I wanted to start from the beginning and read everything. It doesn't happen so often to me as usually I run out of interest after a few articles and I am sure it tells a lot about the quality of a blog when people (not just me!) want to start reading from the beginning.

Well, enough rambling, what I wanted to say is thank you, Allie. Because I started by laughing at the goofy stories and smile at the drawings and drown my family and friends under links to your articles, but slowly I started to have a strange feeling while reading about your adventures.
I could relate to them or the feelings you expressed deeper than just laughing about a good joke.

You actually helped me to identify this feeling of awkwardness I have some time, that I cover up by being cheerful and goofy and extrovert. To recognize that I might have attention-deficit or hyperactivity issues, switching from one subject to the other at a dizzying pace, and I always thought I was just particularly curious about things and life. That those creativity bursts that I am trying to control because I work and live in a world where it's not appropriate, or those intense moments when I'm dying to behave like a little child (running in fresh snow, jumping in the swimming pool, seeing animal shapes in the sky, trees, coffee stains etc.) are not just because I am youthful, but they are all part of my personality and something that I should accept, turn into something positive and not try to control.

I am 33 and reading you made me realize that I am building a cage around myself, trying to control those outbursts in public, opening the cage only when I am alone or with my very close family , and it's like I am slowly denying to myself who I really am, and deep inside it hurts me because I feel lost and out of place. It's like my inner self is a small child loosing sight of the blue sky because the walls are bigger and bigger with the years...

But reading your blog (and also your forum) was like a small epiphany. I suddenly realize that maybe I did not have to control and erase, but maybe I could channel or adapt my life. That what I needed was maybe a change of job, but on top of all, a change of lifestyle. That I should now look for an environment that would fit me better, than trying to fit myself into this environment.
I also realized that there could be some ADHD involved in all this, although I can't be sure as I would probably need to talk to a specialist to find out. But reading about it here and then on the web already helped me to identify some of my behaviors and re-adapt my previous strategies to keep me on track (I've developed a lot of little techniques - with variable success - to help me control my tendency to shift from one thing to the other like an "attention-deficit squirrel on PCP" but that involved a lot of making me feel guilty and they are always temporary...)
I talked to my parents about it (they are visiting me at the moment, I move to a new country (again) and they live very far away) - now "Internet Forever" is a little joke between us but also a gentle reminder when I tend to stray from what I am suppose to finish something.

Ok, my comment is starting to be longer than your post so I will stop here, but thank you again Allie. I was a smiling person before, and I am a happier person today.

gé said...

Hi Allie
I wanted to thumbs up for your blog, and sharing your stories and experiences.

I first started to read your blog backwards, then as a lot of people did, decided I wanted to start from the beginning and read everything. It doesn't happen so often to me as usually I run out of interest after a few articles and I am sure it tells a lot about the quality of a blog when people (not just me!) want to start reading from the beginning.

Well, enough rambling, what I wanted to say is thank you, Allie. Because I started by laughing at the goofy stories and smile at the drawings and drown my family and friends under links to your articles, but slowly I started to have a strange feeling while reading about your adventures.
I could relate to them or the feelings you expressed deeper than just laughing about a good joke.

You actually helped me to identify this feeling of awkwardness I have some time, that I cover up by being cheerful and goofy and extrovert. To recognize that I might have attention-deficit or hyperactivity issues, switching from one subject to the other at a dizzying pace, and I always thought I was just particularly curious about things and life. That those creativity bursts that I am trying to control because I work and live in a world where it's not appropriate, or those intense moments when I'm dying to behave like a little child (running in fresh snow, jumping in the swimming pool, seeing animal shapes in the sky, trees, coffee stains etc.) are not just because I am youthful, but they are all part of my personality and something that I should accept, turn into something positive and not try to control. 1/2 [...]

gé said...

[...]2/2 - I am 33 and reading you made me realize that I am building a cage around myself, trying to control those outbursts in public, opening the cage only when I am alone or with my very close family , and it's like I am slowly denying to myself who I really am, and deep inside it hurts me because I feel lost and out of place. It's like my inner self is a small child loosing sight of the blue sky because the walls are bigger and bigger with the years...

But reading your blog (and also your forum) was like a small epiphany. I suddenly realize that maybe I did not have to control and erase, but maybe I could channel or adapt my life. That what I needed was maybe a change of job, but on top of all, a change of lifestyle. That I should now look for an environment that would fit me better, than trying to fit myself into this environment.
I also realized that there could be some ADHD involved in all this, although I can't be sure as I would probably need to talk to a specialist to find out. But reading about it here and then on the web already helped me to identify some of my behaviors and re-adapt my previous strategies to keep me on track (I've developed a lot of little techniques - with variable success - to help me control my tendency to shift from one thing to the other like an "attention-deficit squirrel on PCP" but that involved a lot of making me feel guilty and they are always temporary...)
I talked to my parents about it (they are visiting me at the moment, I move to a new country (again) and they live very far away) - now "Internet Forever" is a little joke between us but also a gentle reminder when I tend to stray from what I am suppose to finish something.

Ok, my comment is starting to be longer than your post so I will stop here, but thank you again Allie. I was a smiling person before, and I am a happier person today.

gé said...

wow, sorry for the double post - Blogger told me it was too large to be processed :-)

Anonymous said...

Excellent post! I do not watch horror movies or dance. I cannot cope with either. I do sing in the car exactly the same way. Start out loud, trying to get my daughter to join in, and then end up mumbling toward the window also. And the thing is, you always sound better loud; soft makes your vocal chords shorten up or something (I just made that up, but something does happen, really).


I'm not so interested in jumping fences, but I've always wanted to see what happened if I stuck a fork in an electric outlet. Also, wanted to stick my tongue on a cold lamppost. I'll let you know when I try that.

Cheers to the best humor blog on the Internet!
physicsmom

Anonymous said...

Do you read all your comments?
I can't imagine you even have the ability to read all 240 of them...
I mean, wow!
But we all love this blog SO MUCH.
We don't feel bad about being odd, because of how you glorify it.
Thanks.

Arlene said...

Lol just do not at any time rent Hostel 2. It will disturb you worse than the first one could ever do. Lol I love your reaction to the first one.

sr71gator said...

Dear Allie,

Trying to touch things with your face rarely ends well. I have scars and an alarming lack of real teeth to verify this.

Also, I spent a summer in Hamilton living with my Aunt many, many years ago. Is The Creamery still there? Is there still only one stoplight in town?

Triffid said...

And don't forget, there's a sequel!

OverTheWolf said...

hostel is a scary movie, but, really, the second one is better because it has boys.

WHATEVER YOU DO, NEVER WATCH THE HILLS HAVE EYES 2. OR PARANORMAL ACTIVITY. OR SAW.

NIGHTMARES. WEEKS. ENOUGH SAID.

hdaniel82 said...

I still have flashbacks from having watched I Am Legend (Will Smith) on a plane to the USA. I too am terrified of horror movies, and for some reason decided that in a confined space, watching this movie about zombies was in some way a good idea. Needless to say it was NOT. I had to keep taking "breaks" and wandering round the plane to calm myself down, so I could try and "push through" the fear. Even now, I don't know why I did it. Why couldn't I just have watched some mindless rom com!!

Martha said...

I get exactly the same thing with horror movies. My first experience was with Jurassic Park & I still think there are raptors in my garden :(

Every now & then I get the urge to watch one because all the other grown ups are doing it so I think maybe I've grown out of being a st00pid but it always ends in weeks of nightmares.

Now I just make someone else watch it for me (sometimes I listen without looking) & get them to describe it back for me scene by scene. If I haven't actually seen it it seems to be ok...

Coping mechanisms! Yay!

Jane said...

I can relate to the horror movie issue. And the dancing. And everything else in fact...

Ricebubbles said...

Epic epic epic!!!

I love it!!! I also fail at simple tasks of coordination :)

And the last picture actually made me "awwwww" out loud... awesome Allie awesome XD

Amanda said...

You watched me try & teach my son to use a skateboard didn't you?!

Emilly Orr said...

*facepalms*

Did I not tell you? I told you not to watch Hostel! Baaaad iiiiidea, I said.

Oh, dear.

Give yourself ice cream for a while. Or whatever is good for a treat. Comfy blankets. Tea. You will recover.

Anonymous said...

I read your entire blog in the time between the Dog entry and the Sweet Bikes entry. First time commenting.

Your experience with dancing where other people are dancing remind me of myself, except I usually am successful at the sexy dancing. You would think this would make one happy, but once I notice more and more people watching me do it (and the whoops and hollering starts), all of a sudden I look like a dog who's ashamed because someone is watching him poop. Either way we both end up looking like the last picture, filled with shame and regret.

-PC

Jo said...

I repeatedly torture myself with horror films - to the point where I'm beginning to think I have some sort of disease that involves torturing myself over and over until I eventually go insane. Prime example - The Ring. Watched that 7 years ago, never been the same since. Still have nightmares about it. Still can't walk past any kind of well without freaking out. Audibly scream when television cut to static.

I need help.

PS - This post made me guffaw like an idiot this morning, causing my neighbour to peer in through the window and judge me for lolling around at my desk, in pyjamas, on a Thursday.

Anonymous said...

I just finished reading your entire blog. It took me a while, probably around 12 hours, but it was worth it. You are so fucking amazing and I love you. I am going to stalk your blog daily now, kay? Okay. Also, I think your blog should be used as an anti-depressant, and that doctors should prescribe you to their patients. You will cure world sadness, and become famous for being the "Girl Who Cured World Sadness." Just a suggestion, though. I'm going to sleep now. =] Yayy.

Marco Fiori said...

It's been a long time since I laughed that hard.

Dolo said...

Oh gods, the fence one was totally me a couple months ago (except for the trade of mud for a scraped hand, elbow and leg).

I was just on my first jog after a long time of not doing it and came across a little fency door-thing to prevent cows from not wandering where they shouldn't.

Of course I thought "I can jump over that, keep my speed and look cool". And, of course, the opposite happened. Well, not quite. I managed to somehow keep some speed by getting up as fast as I could and pretending nothing bad had happened, lest someone had seen me.

Gem said...

This is brilliant. You could be describing my decision making process! Oh well, blind optimism has to work out at some point, right?

Zoé said...

You tried to watch Hostel??? A while back, I decided to read the full synopsis on IMDB so that I would know what it was about and how it ended and never actually have to watch it...
Thanks for this great post, it really made me laugh! It's just so true! Hand stands and oil painting, in my case.

Jax said...

A picture paints a thousand words so all of our pics plus your words = like, 29,450 words?

Stella said...

So funny. Very very funny, and very much my reality... No one is funnier than you. No one.

Tigsy-Bell... said...

I love your Blog :) it is pretty muchthe only one i have saved to my faves hehe.. you are too funny for words ;) wish I could have that talent.. although i can dance and sing but am not too brilliant at fences either.

and yep cats have very sharp parts, i have to clip my Bellas nails cos she keeps getting stuck in the carpets at home.. and with her lack of voice we figured it would be safer than leaving her to hang randomly all over the house :)

keep it up girl.. you are a star!!

Annah said...

The car experience and the Christina Aguilera song? Oh yeah, so me.

Alana said...

That last picture pretty well sums up my entire life. Thank you.

Age said...

What's great about all this is you manage to strike a cord with just about everyone. We've all been there. Except your version is so much funnier! We should all be so lucky to see situations like this and find the humor. Awkwardness just became cool. Loved it!

Baxie \m/_ said...

Possibly one of the funniest things to see when waking up. XD

Truly made me laugh out loud :P

Jenb said...

I've officially read from oldest to newest posts. I feel sick and creepy and tired from laughing. You make me feel like I've flashed an elementary school and then called the school office to leave my telephone number and address because it was just so much fun that I had to become personally involved...more personal than flashing. That's how great you are.

Ink_Petrel said...

This is totally me when I saw there was a new entry =====> "YAAAAAY! NEW HYPERBOLE POST! *armflail of joy* :D:D:D"

So. Much. Love. For this blog. <3

David said...

I totally did the last one years ago at summer camp.

I saw a short, upright landscape timber by the side of the road with a shiny dot on it to alert vehicles of its presence. In my mind, I ran up to the post, planted by foot on top, and vaulted myself into the air, posing like a ninja and I soared, and landing nimbly on the ground, impressing my cabinmates. Instead, I didn't plant my foot so well, slipped, and racked my prepubescent huevos right where my foot should have been planted. The only thing that kept it from being an even more epic fail was that none of them could see my majestic mental image of what should've happened.

greengeekgirl said...

You, miss, are amazing.

89 said...

That last panel, it happens to me almost every day it feels like. Minus the mud and laying on the ground part, at times at least. I love your posts!

Anna said...

I have the exact same problem with dancing (and even walking sometimes). Yet my boyfriend calls me graceful. I think he's laughing at me.

Terri said...

OMG you kill me! I read a weird horror book "One Bloody Thing After Another" last week. I never read or watch any horror because I am like you in that regard. Last night I went outside to hang some clothes on the line, at 10:30, in the dark. I could feel the creepy human/animal creatures watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I couldn't stop fumbling with the clothespins. Thankfully I got the clothes on the line and got back in the house, behind closed and bolted doors, before the human/animal creatures reached me. I am still haunted by Amityville Horror, those red eyes in the dark.

OhSoSqueamish said...

I watched Rob Zombie's Halloween once. When it first came out. I'm still absolutely terrified that a serial killer is coming to get me at any moment.

racheleanore said...

I'm like that with dancing too, except I usually think I'm Shakira with shaking hips and tiny waist. Except I have neither of those things. Alas.

Anonymous said...

I suffer from Enhanced Reality Affliction too. Mine spans a range from DIY home improvements to removing scratchy tags from shirts. I can empathize with your humility. My condition includes humility with some bruising and bleeding, but it is easily forgotten.

HRL said...

I always make the mistake of watching Doctor Who right before bed, which if you've ever seen the show, it tends to take some normal everyday object and turn it into some crazed alien plot to distroy the human race. But no matter how many times I end up terrified to go to sleep, I don't stop watching. As for the jumping over things, for me it's jumping off, like, yes the last four times I jumped off this wall I fell on my face, but this time it will be different! Yeah, behavioral conditioning has some serious flaws in it.

Mademoiselle HauteMess said...

I have such a humongous girl crush on you right now! Not only do I do every single thing you describe- I bet we would look even cooler doing them together!

Anonymous said...

"...she was quite judgmental and there is a lot about me to judge..."

There is a lot about all of us to judge. The question is why some of us feel entitled to do so.

Kim said...

Awesome post!

Sometimes I wish that I had a portable way to bring up your posts every time I am feeling the sads so I can be transported into your world of greatness and hilarity.

Like a phone... but with internet.. I think I'm on to something.

Nicole said...

Oh, I've totally been that girl in the car. My friend, who is unendingly polite, once said to me after such an outburst, "You know, it's really great that you can sing like that." She was a second away from petting me like I was retarded, I swear.

Anonymous said...

Boo! Did I scare you?

Angie said...

You're effin hilarious.

LeighCee said...

I am overcome by an overwhelming need for one of your artistic renditions of "boyfriend." Did I miss one while reading the archives?
And that is totally not a suggestion or idea and if one were to appear on your blog, I would know that it had totally come from your personal stash of ideas.
And you rule.
And my husband thinks so too. Especially the Cat Propaganda.

Anonymous said...

I always hate it when I want to be friends with a person who just came seem to like me...blah to them.... she is missing out !!!!also I think you rock its always better in a persons head than in life
:)

this blog makes me laugh
thanks for posting ^_^

beesus said...

"I wanted the opposite of that" could very well be the motto of my life.

Amelia said...

Seriously, be more epic.

Alisha Kalra said...

I love your cartoons. Good stuff, keep blogging!

Courtney said...

I absolutely love your awkwardness.

AliceOutOfContext said...

Could you write a blog entry about how you don't suck sometime? They're always funny, but you always have the same punchline, "I suck." Clearly, you have enough confidence to make a blog--why not brag about something for once? It would be a taste of something new.

Shawn C. said...

Thank you Allie! Love Beyonce's little eyelashes & shoes. Your drawings & writing both brighten my day :)

P.S. Hope your doggie continues to feel better.

Erin said...

Allie,

I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and have been devouring every post I could find to catch up to now. I keep trying to think of creative ways to say "OMG your blog is so funny I loooove it!" but it's not working out.

I like your mixture of self-awareness, idealism, and neurosis.

I don't really have a comment for this post in particular. Just know that already my boyfriend is getting tired of "Know what I read on that blog I found?" That's just because he hasn't read your awesomeness for himself yet. But he will. Someday he will.

Erin said...

Allie,

I discovered your blog a few weeks ago and have been devouring every post I could find to catch up to now. I keep trying to think of creative ways to say "OMG your blog is so funny I loooove it!" but it's not working out.

I like your mixture of self-awareness, idealism, and neurosis.

I don't really have a comment for this post in particular. Just know that already my boyfriend is getting tired of "Know what I read on that blog I found?" That's just because he hasn't read your awesomeness for himself yet. But he will. Someday he will.

stephanie said...

Oh Allie, nail on the head. Again.

Lizzylu said...

You are my fucking hero. Really. Especially when you were Bruce. But even when you are not disguised as Bruce. Sorry for the "Fucking" and for all the inappropriate periods in sentences above. Love you.

I have a similar experience whenever I think cleaning house is a good idea. I usually just end up in some sort of bondage with my vacuum hose.

Mortira said...

You deserve a medal for talking about the goofy things that we're all ashamed of! I'm so used to having these same moments of insecurity that I can now spot other people doing it. We're not alone, at least.

Hannah said...

"she was quite judgmental and there is a lot about me to judge" :D

Cynthia (It All Changes) said...

I try to explain that Horror Movie example to Hunni every time he suggests one of those movies. When I scream and try to claw at him in our sleep and make him wake up 10 times to check the doors he gets the picture...for about a week. Then the cycle starts again.

Moxie said...

Allie, I just found your blog, and I swear you live inside my brain. Either that or we're long-lost twin sisters.

At least I know I'm not alone in my clumsiness anymore. The fence-jumping reminds me of the time I tried to play basketball (yeah, because you KNOW I have so much awesome athletic talent), and ended up scoring a basket for the wrong team. ::sigh::

You are full of awesome and win. Never forget that. :)

Moooooog35 said...

I get just like that when I think of commenting.

Then shit like THIS happens.

Peas in a pod, woman.

Peas in a pod.

Kezz said...

You rock! I love your posts they always make me laugh (actually out loud, imagine that). Quite often I read your stories and think hey, that's just like me! I'm not the only weirdo in the world :) ;)

Nicole said...

ahahaha this is great

AmyBlam said...

Oh good lord, I can't watch scary movies because I don't sleep for DAYS. And Hostel? Totally watched it when I was in Mexico. My hubs thought he was going to have to sedate me.

Bridgeosaurus said...

You would have been the most exciting and amazing roommate ever. I don't know what that girl's problem was!

BookGeek said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel about the horror movies. I still have nightmares about 28 Days Later. I also still have drills where, no matter where I am, I look around and ask myself, "If a zombie invasion/plague of cannibalism were to happen, how would I survive and fight them off?"

The movie came out in 2002.

Office Secrets said...

Gosh, you're great. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE reading your blog. The Beyonce picture sent me over!!!

Esther. said...

lmao i feel that i can totally relate to that awkward situation. 8(

Jessica Lemmon said...

I'm there! It's like a little voice daring you to do it. The other day, in my mind, I pictured myself having the ability to do a pull up. I grabbed the bar intent on getting my chin above it.

But no.

I instead pulled a really weird muscle I didn't know existed behind my ribcage.

*sigh*

Emily said...

As I read this it was like you were talking about me...wait, have you been following me? I really like to think of people like us as eternal optimists, that no matter how hard they failed before they will keep trying. In the end would you have it any other way?

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that other people do this kind of thing, too. You're brilliant!

Abigail S. Bean said...

In your defense, Hostel is probably the most disturbing horror movie I've ever seen.

I can also commisserate with your dancing/singing ineptitude but I know enough to stay still and quiet!

Molly Malone said...

Absolutely fantastic! I do exactly the same thing with horror movies - think I am adult enough to be able to handle watching one on my own, but then end up huddled underneath the comforter imagining killer clowns congregating outside my front door...

Rebecca said...

hilarious! Sorry to say some of these scenarios ring true for me as well...

Multi-Ainjo said...

I friggin' forgot what I was gonna say (I know it was full of wit and humor) and my hand hurts because it took so long to scroll down far enough to post my lame comment.

*sigh*

Your post is funny.

Karenina said...

Thanks for the giggles!

I too have this problem, so don't worry, you're not alone in your horror-movie regret, dance-spastic moves, singalong black holes or thrwarted high-jump efforts.

All I can say is that I hope we still come across as charming. ;-)

Love to you and your blog!

Ruth said...

1) That is exactly how I was after watching The Ring while my roommates were out of town. Only the phone actually rang. That was my last horror movie...but someday I'll do it again. *sigh*

2) Once again, reading your blog I know I'm not alone in my occasional bouts of epic awkwardness.

KT said...

Hilarious. I do the same stuff...with similar results. Maybe some day I will learn.

kd easley said...

I've totally done that fence thing...Over and over and over again. You'd think I'd know by now that unnecessary feats of athleticism are beyond me, but I live in hope and stitches.

Great Post Allie.

Anonymous said...

I always try to jump over fences and dramatically fail. I sing in the car and people look at me weird. And I'm not an expert dancer, let alone an okay one. I get horrifically scared when I watch horror movies. Maybe I laughed at this post so much is because I was laughing at myself lol XD

curegirl0421 said...

I too have fallen into the "hey I can do that!" trap. Horror movies, singing anywhere but alone in my car, dancing without sticking my thumbs out, getting anywhere on time...

But hey at least you go for it!

Emily said...

I am exactly the same way when it comes to horror movies or even slightly scary TV. I used to watch Unsolved Mysteries when I was home alone at night and I was already freaked out from being home alone... yeah, nothing good comes from that.

You are awesome!

Ms Sunshine said...

I can never be as cool as you. that's for sure. but i accept that. you are totally awesome. However, I have found one thing I am better and braver than you at, and that would be HORROR-movies, as you call them. You see, i don't give a crap about how many pieces hitchhikers are chopped up into. My only problem is ghosts. as soon as there are GHOSTS in a story = horror movie. else = just another action movie or whatever. anyway, i feel you, because i am like that with ghosts appearing in movies.
You rock. No, not like rock, as in thing you can throw at each other, no, not the one that always wins either. the OTHER rock!
if i would be rich and famous i would buy you a fucking unicorn. but i won't, because i'm not.
LOVE

Tyler said...

"Yay! I'm jumping!" better become a t-shirt at some point. It's the first-ever appearance of "cartoon Allie's" tongue...

sadi said...

I love, love, love this blog! "Allie tries hard". I can so relate!

You rock, even if you are as coordinated as I am. :-)

Erin said...

I don't think I've ever loved a blog as much as I love yours.

Eleanor said...

Your description of your expectation and the reality of jumping over a fence reminds me of that scene from The Big Chill where the Sam Berenger character leaps into his car to impress a couple of local cops à la the opening credits in his TV show, and fails spectacularly.

Julia said...

I think it was Albert Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Michelle Thilges said...

Yeah - My horror movie experiences usually end with me on the couch hiding behind a blanket that's held up to right between my nose and eyes (you know, because my security blanket is DEFINITELY gonna keep out the velociraptor that IS TOTALLY hiding in my pantry waiting for me to get too hungry to stay in safety on the couch.) Thank you for being as strange as me.

Anonymous said...

ALLIE YOUR THE GREATTESTTTT!!! The 2 pictures at the end of the jumping-over-the-fence bit actually brought tears to my eyes!! It just captures the moment.... so succinctly!

Seriously I have sent this blog to everyone I like. KEEEEPP UP THE AWESOMENESS!!! <3 <3 <3

Audrey said...

I think that from now on, I'll be reading your blog every morning. It's just the perfect start to anyone's day. I can leave the house and head out to work smiling and happy before my job and the people I'll inevitably encounter crush my high spirits to a pulp. It's important to start off the day on a high. When I do, I can last longer before I reach the point when - in your words - "enough anger and hatred has accumulated inside of you, it will rupture through your pathetic sense of integrity and start spewing outwardly as if you are some sort of rage sprinkler, spraying your putrid hate all over anything that comes near you."

I love your blog. BOOKMARKED!

Melinda said...

Allie, I am not really great with leaving comments and I am sorry for that. You are amazing and I love every post you write/draw.

Stephen said...

Aha, if it makes you feel better, I love horror movies, and Hostel /still/ fucked me. >_>

It probably didn't help that I was eating custard in that scene with the eye...:S

Anonymous said...

I broke my incongruity detector. It's great. To do it, though, you've got to end up in pretty dire circumstances.

Anyway, I can dance at will now. People tell me I'm great, but I think it's mostly enthusiasm.

Hostel? Yick. I like horror movies just fine, but that just struck me as torture pron.

If Julie is "quite judgmental", that's her problem. Or maybe just her hobby. She might actually have liked you a lot, because you gave her so many things to judge.

Zoe said...

This has "me" written all over! I tend to make a lot of awkward moments...I also think there is so much I could do but as usual, I'm wrong. XD

Anonymous said...

Your blog just brightens my day! I've been sharing it with everyone I can think of - your brilliance must be shared with the world! Oh, and can we please get a tshirt with that last image, pretty please??

Sara Daivs said...

You are just like the most of us. Its the weirdos who do things right and they are so weird they stand out. Its just that we, the normal people, have no ability to detect weird, so we think they are normal and by default we must be the weirdos.

Not so. They are odd. We are normal because there are way way more of us.

You just need to take more lessons in rationalization. Im a master at rationalization. Based on your experiences, I think you need that skill.

McGurker said...

I just set it so anyone can watch videos of me, because I want you to feel less alone in a world filled with people who are just as awkward and willing to embarrass themselves as you.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=442584556799&subj=635579465

Alyssa said...

I'm beginning to think that you are actually a split personality of mine that I don't realize I have who is writing about me, my life, and the things I think about...

But you're a much more talented artist than I could ever be, split personality or not...

salwa said...

I definitely agree, the "DANCING!!!" cartoon should be on a t-shirt!

Lexi said...

Allie, this is great, I can relate so much lol. I vote that you create a "Get Down" t-shirt and I will wear it proudly and enthusiastically.

You are awesome!

Stephanie said...

I read the first sentence and thought, "This can't possibly end well." I have to admit I chuckled at your cartoon rendering of your horror movie experience, though. That's pretty much me whenever I watch something scary. In my case it's usually a rather gruesome episode of Criminal Minds or a really bizarre episode of Doctor Who. You'd think I'd have learned not to watch that stuff right before bed by now (at least if I haven't seen it before). :P

My dancing skills aren't particularly impressive either, and while I'm actually quite a good singer (at least, everyone says so), I feel horribly self-conscious singing in the car if nobody else is. Don't ask me why; that's just the way it is.
I don't do things on impulse as often as you seem to, but when I do the result is usually the same. Thankfully, like you, I'm usually able to laugh about it afterwards. :D

Ed said...

This post was.........

Well, at least you tried hard.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to be rude, but "I wanted the opposite of this" seems to be the result of almost every endeavour you partake of. :P
This post REALLY made me laugh!! One of your best ever! x

Patty@www.nuestrasaventurasentexas.com said...

I stumbled upon your blog and what a breath of fresh air! You are Hi-larious!!
Sometimes,no, all times we need to laugh!I'm featuring you on my blog now.
www.nuestrasaventurasentexas.com

Daneka said...

"No benefit and all consequences"...sounds like my childhood, teenage years, and well pretty much now.
I look forward to your posts/riveting stories...so relatable. I get awkward stares at the office because I burst out laughing and my colleagues have resolved that I'm just the crazy chick in the corner office. I'm good with that.
Keep em' coming girlfriend!

Molly said...

I had nightmares after watching Terminator Salvation. There are things I am just not ready for.

Awesome plan vs. harsh reality, Episode 213124: chain link fences. How fun they are (read: WERE) to climb? I got all excited about climbing one when I was drunk once...rainbow-colored visions of clearing the top and invading uncharted territory on the other side... Apparently, as you get older, your feet do this weird thing where they "grow" and they don't fit into the links anymore, and you end up looking like a damn fool at 4am in a parking lot. It was a sad day.

Bika said...

I peed my pants as the fence-jump unfolded. Now I need to change and buy a new chair :(

Online Free Video Watch said...

funny pictures.


Expectations vs. Reality Videos : http://guvercintr.net/videoara.php?s=Expectations+vs.+Reality+&sa.x=12&sa.y=18

Anonymous said...

omg, this is totally me, except I would have impaled myself on the fence going over. One time, I thought that if I grabbed my 1.5-yr-old brother's ankles and yanked up, he would swing around in an exhilarating arc, giggling all the while, and end up swinging gently upside down looking fondly at the most awesome sister (me) in the world. Guess what actually happened...

Anonymous said...

I'm completely amazed by the sheer volume of people who feel you relate to them so well, especially when you consider how many express their concerns at being all alone in their ADHD-ness. Personally, I think it's because we're all so distracted by all the puppies in the world we don't actually stop to look and see that there are people like you running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to leap over tall fences in an effort to catch the same puppies. So, thank you for bringing attention to the fact that we're all in good company.

It kind of makes me want to kidnap you with my hyperactive friends and force you to roadtrip with us with loud music, travel urinals, and pop rocks. Your friend Julie can stay behind.

Ginger said...

She wasn't judging you, she was feeling too shy and awkward to join in because your singing was SO AWESOME. Tru fax.

Emma said...

I don't know if you will read this, since I am comment #343 (congrats, btw! you are definitely winning at the internet if you are getting 300+ comments per post) but I have been reading your archives obsessively for the past few days and i love your blog.

So much, in fact, that I was at the dinner table last night and we were eating spaghetti with meatballs, and i started telling my family about Spaghatta Nadle, and we literally spent the rest of the meal talking like spaghatta nadle to each other and laughing hysterically.

I also told them about How A Fish Almost Destroyed My Childhood because that one made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe.

Anywho, you're fucking awesome.

Emma

skadill said...

I was afraid of my tv for months...or maybe years?...after seeing a few parts of "The Ring." In fact, I'm still a little scared of it.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. Per usual, I was laughing so hard at my desk that I am almost crying. I love your posts.

Anonymous said...

I was a typical awkward-but-thought-I-might-have-some-hidden-awesomeness kind of kid when I started Jr High. One day when I was walking out to the place on the blacktop where all the PE classes met I decided it might make me look really cool if I were to jump over the net on the tennis court. I'm not particularly athletic but people do that all the time, right? So in full view of every PE class I sauntered over to the net, did a front kick sort of move, caught my foot on the top of the net and crashed to the ground on the other side. The roar of laughter was deafening. I have hated tennis ever since, though tennis was not at fault in all of this.

Okie said...

Absolutely awesome!

So often I prefer to live in expectations....as long as I stay in the dream, everything is good. But sometimes forcing the reality happens...and it's a big mess.

Thanks for another great post. lol

Jess Tudor said...

What's the saying? Only a fool does the same thing twice expecting a different outcome?

(I am that fool, too.)

the Barreness said...

OMG you continue to make me laugh with everyday events that often mimic my own!! Thank you you super cool person!

Anonymous said...

I, too, am awkward and unable to do things without looking pretty much as ridiculous as possible. At least I can take solace in knowing I'm not the only one who would wind up lying in a puddle of mud!

Anonymous said...

I, too, am awkward and unable to do things without looking pretty much as ridiculous as possible. At least I can take solace in knowing I'm not the only one who would wind up lying in a puddle of mud!

J said...

I'm impressed you actually watched the movie. I always end up watching scary movies despite knowing that they will most definitely traumatize me for weeks afterward. I couldn't go to the bathroom without freaking out for a long time after watching What Lies Beneath. Even Scary Movie scared me...

AllieNic said...

Ahhhhhahhhahahah! You're funny!

DougB said...

Ugh, Hostel. I hate gory horror movies; they're just so not uplifting, and you can't even enjoy the fun of a "good scare", because you end up disgusted by the gore. I got sucked into watching Hostel one night in a hotel on a business trip. I didn't initially know what is was called, much less that it was a horror movie since I missed the very beginning. I admit it -- I was drawn in my the hot nekkid chicks in the first part. After those parts, it was awful.

I know how you feel about dancing, too. I became a musician so I could be at places where people dance without having to actually dance myself (yes, I found it easier to spend years learning an instrument than learning to dance). When my wife and I got married and had to do that one dance that the couple has to do at the reception, we must have looked like two logs teetering on end near each other; it wasn't pretty. Now I see all these YouTube videos of wedding dances where the bride and groom perform some elaborate choreographed production, and it leaves me stunned.

Anyway, thanks for the very funny, and somewhat poignant post. You rock!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

And such is my life. Hourly.

Well done, Allie!

nicole paul said...

allie, you are the most awesome blogger on the net, im so glade i came across you blog im not a fan of blogs but you make me laugh out loud, you rock your weirdness! keep up the great work doll, i wish eveyone in new zealand read your blog :)

Brenda said...

Seriously, you are the autobiographer of my life!

Brenda said...

Seriously, you are the autobiographer of my life!

Stacy said...

Kinda like your sexy dance on youtube?? :)

Anonymous said...

I don't know how I consistently relate so much to the things you say without having some sort of weird brain-twin out there in the universe. So, have you considered that you were an alien changeling and have an alien sister out in SoCal? Just a thought.

Jina said...

When I was 14 months old, my 3 year old brother jumped over the fire pit in our campsite. Apparently I thought that meant I could too. My left food landed in the hot coals left from cooking lunch. I still have a visible scar at 24. I sympathize.

Jina said...

*foot

Jenny said...

HOSTEL was GOOD!! a bit gross but GOOD! you want fear?! watch land of the dead! seriously.

Matthew Lyon said...

you make me full of <3 and lulz with the trainwreck of you that highlights the sensation of my many many bad idea moments. thank you!

Anonymous said...

I totally know what you mean so kuh in this post. You know what it reminds me of so much? Um, procrastination. Like. I always know I should not wait until the last minte, and yet I do it anyway. And then it's like your last panel here, "I wanted the opposite of this."

Noodley said...

So, this one time, I was walking along a curb and I had a sudden impulse & image of myself doing a fancy ballet leap on it...but, even in my mind I saw this going terribly sideways. So I started snickering at my near-idiocy and then said to my friend "Holy god, I'm such a spaz, I nearly did THIS" (as I demonstrated this fantasy leap complete with ankle rolling and body folding like a house of cards).

This is merely ONE example of how we're brethren. I adore you.

P.S. The best part about your blog is that you could read it without any pictures and still be howling, but you could also look only at the comics and convulse with glee.

Noodley said...

Oh yeah, so the illustrations AND the words together pretty much make you an impossible dynamo.

Anonymous said...

Allie... you are my idol. And adorable as hell. You ALWAYS crack me up! I intend on reading this again when I get home just so I can openly laugh hysterically without strange looks from my co-workers. One question for you though... WHY WOULD YOU WATCH HOSTEL ALONE, CRAZY GIRL?! That's why boys were invented!

green ink said...

I am so glad I'm not the only one who thinks they can handle a horror movie....and is then freaked beyond all comprehension and ends up getting flashbacks for years on end!!

You are the definition of awesome! Great post!

Anonymous said...

Well, if such impulsivity is what made you start blogging, thank goodness for it.:D

Caitlin said...

this gave me bigtime lols. at work. I just had to suddenly pretend like my excel sheet was hilarious.

Melissa said...

Yes. Yes. And yes. I still freak myself out over horror movies I saw when I was like 6. The fucking leprechaun is scary! He POGO STICKED a man to DEATH!

Simone Says... said...

julie sucks.

Kelly said...

Dude, I effing LOVE your blog! And this post is great!

I find myself trying to do all these things like you do...only it's usually when I'm trying to impress a boy...and mine turn out just as horrible as yours do!

Keep up the wonderful work! You give all us ADHDers a good name! :D (And I seriously want to make your Sneaky Hate Spiral post into a YouTube video...)

Anonymous said...

Wow....you are totally in my head. I can relate to everything you have said. I build such pretty scenarios in my head of how things are going to go down...and then...not so much. Also the dancing...hysterical. My BF says I look like I have a gerbil in my pants when dancing. Doesn't stop me cause in my head I am totally a "single lady"...lol. Good times...good times.

Ellie Grace said...

My friend has recently told me about your blog and I must admit, I really freaking enjoy it. You are hysterical and I feel like I can totally relate to you. Probably because just about all of the things you write about I've done or have yet to do. It's all a matter of time, really...

-Ellie

Fairley Airey said...

Hey yeah, back in those college days. Do you remember when I came down for the weekend and left my ID back in Lismore? I enjoyed my first experience of reading your writing, thank you for making me feel secure in the knowledge that I am not "abnormal". I gave up on horror movies years ago. Love your cartoon drawings! Fairley

Anonymous said...

Ha ha, this is basically my life. It also works the opposite way with me. Things I think will be terrible (example: a late-paid traffic ticket) will result in TRIAL, PRISON, HUGE FINES, and then I go to court and get it dismissed.

Fairley said...

Hey, the college days! Remember when I drove down from Lismore for the weekend? Ben was there, from primary school, and I left my ID back at Lismore Uni. This is the first time I have read your blog, and can so relate to it. I gave up on horror movies years ago. Love your work, you have opened up a whole new world to me. Thanks for making me feel normal! Love ya, Fairley
p.s. if my comments post a second time, please forgive me, I am still a learner at this

Adrienne said...

After reading this entry and shrieking with laughter, I am quite certain that the people in my office today now think I am insane (if they didn't before that is). I shall now go pester my friends and family about reading this.

Julie Dworman said...

My name is Julie, and I like to think I'm not really judgmental, so I hope your college roommate Julie hasn't set a precedent for how you expect all people named Julie to be.

ellenrawlings said...

Hi Allie,
The last horror movie I watched was the Ring when it was in theaters in 1998. I still get scared if I answer the phone and there is static there, my mind jumping the message telling me I have 7 days to live. Also wells and fuzzy tvs creep me out. My dad and brother convinced me it was a good idea to go see it but they were wrong! It was a VERY BAD idea. This guy wanted to take me on a date to go to some horror movie. He said that I shouldn't be scared because he will be there to protect me. I asked if he would be in my head years later to protect me from my imagination. We ended up seeing Mr. Deeds...

I think I am actually a good dancer. But last night my friend invited this guy out with us who as it turned out was a professional choreographer! I tried some of his moves... I was a complete failure.

You make me laugh harder than anyone. When I get money next, I will totally buy some of you hilarious merchandise.
Ellen

Lizzylu said...

I just finished a three day Hyperbole and a Half marathon and have read every word you have written. Most of them I read more than once because I am often crying and can hardly see the screen through tears and snot. I have gone through a whole box of tissues and my family thinks I am nuts. Thank you. Laughter is the best thing ever... you win!

Jenn said...

I find no shame in the fact that I feel a kinship with my fellow brethren (or sister-ren? wtf?)of no-thinky-before-doey.

Awesomesauce.

Kelene said...

So I live in Arizona and there are all these gangster Mexicans (no racism, just truth) who are FREAKING AMAZING at jumping over fences. So I try it sometimes... I fail. Usually worse than you. I sprained my ankle just STEPPING over a fence. Tragic, but I am not a gangster.

Marisol. said...

allie, you never fail to amuse and amaze me. :)

Jacqui said...

You are a big steaming pile of funny! Once again I had to check behind me to be sure that you aren't stalking me and stealing material from my life.:) My boyfriend teases me because I had a sudden burst of bravery and decided to watch a scary movie without him there to protect me. He walked in halfway through the movie and well past the fizzling out of my courage to find me cocooned in my blanket. All he could see was my face and the head of my teddy bear. (Who was there to protect me in lieu of the boyfriend) This image is now the background on his phone. Move to Orlando ASAP so that we can be friends : ) lol

Gil said...

You expect too much.

When I dance, I expect people to point and laugh. If they don't I am happy.

When I sing out loud, I expect everyone to yell at me to shut up. When they don't, I am happy.

Anonymous said...

beautifully written. i read this and i see myself in it. but i could have never written it like you just did.

S.B. said...

OMG...remembering when I first saw Aliens and I had to try to exorcise it by watching Disney movies for days and days. And then the whole thing with the BEAUTIFUL BEST FRIEND...yeah. Ironing my hair just got me burns on my arms and weird hair that did not look like hers. At all...

You are WONDERFUL! I LOVE ADORE everything you do! and also voted.

Silvia said...

I made my boyfriend read this post and watch the kitty video, and the first thing he said was, "This is totally you."

So thank you, Allie, for your important work bringing a voice to all us neurotic, socially awkward, horror movie fearing, kitty-loving people.

Arachne said...

Yeah. You definitely have to make that Dancing picture into a shirt. That's me when I'm dancing. I look like an epileptic guinea pig in a blender.
I'd wear that shit all over the place.

moschikat said...

my boyfriend thought that "no benefit and all consequences" would be a good name for a band or a blog.

so he googled it.

top hit was not so awesome.

*sad panda* no you don't want to know. DON'T DO IT!!!

thank you for the laughs today! :)

Heidi said...

Oh no. :( I did that with "The Ring".

A person said...

I'm pretty much a big baby with horror movies too. Sometimes I lie to myself and I am all like braveface but then i end up doing eye covering hand thing and then ultimaley i just become a fetus and by that i mean i go into the fetal position and get crazy nightmares

i fail at comments

Thennary Nak said...

I'm also terrible with horror movies so I've sworn to only ever watch them in the middle of the day and make sure I do things that will distract me from thinking about the movie for the rest of the day. And then I can usual sleep at night, though unfortunately it doesn't always save me from nightmares.

Cindy said...

I can totally relate to the impulsivity and unrealistic optimism. I ate shrimp the other day because I thought my allergy probably went away. And I had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. And now everyone is mocking me.

Sara Mc said...

At least you tried hard! And you know, Beyonce may have the moves but you have the funny!

Jamie said...

Hahaha I LOVE how you can put your unexplainable impulses into a beautiful cohesive(ish) story!
And what's bugging me now is I totally used to have those impulses. This one time I just HAD to walk alongside the pool, just because, and ended up falling INTO the pool. Well, as a friend of mine once said, "Live creatively, suffer creatively."

Anna said...

The horror movie experience mirrors two incidents from my teenage years VERY closely:

1) While on a trip to Michigan to see my cousin Chris graduate from high school (I was 16), my mom and I were in our hotel room and decided to watch The Ring. My grandma, not knowing what we were doing, called our room...at the exact moment the first "SEVEN DAYS" call came in. She said she could hear me screaming over the phone...from my hiding place in the locked hotel room bathroom. To this day, I can't deal with TV static without getting HIGHLY unnerved.

2) I was 15 and decided to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street in my parents' basement. I thought leaving the lights on would help, and in fact, it actually did (to this day, the Freddie Kruger series doesn't faze me a damn bit). However, as the credits were rolling, I heard a sound upstairs. Being the genius that I obviously was at 15, I grabbed a plastic baseball bat and hauled ass upstairs to make a valiant attempt to beat to death whatever was walking around upstairs. I was two steps from the top of the stairs when I saw what was making the noise: my mother, who was coming out of my little sister's room after putting her to bed. This has a hilarious footnote, though: upon seeing her 15 year old armed with a bat, the first thing out of my mother's mouth was "Oh, that's right...A Nightmare on Elm Street was on tonight, wasn't it?" This was the woman who, when the original Halloween came out 30-odd years ago, ran down a hill from her bus stop after seeing the movie in theaters the night it premiered because she was too scared to walk past the bushes, lest Michael Meyers jump out from behind them and kill her. This is also the woman who was shocked at the end of Hostel 2, but ended up laughing when I compared expecting Hostel 2 to end well to expecting a Clive Barker (guy who wrote the stories that became Hellraiser and The Midnight Meat Train, the latter of which inspired the analogy) story to have a happy ending.

«Oldest ‹Older   201 – 400 of 624   Newer› Newest»