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Here at Sueeve, we understand that showering can be one of the most boring, shame and confusion-filled parts of your day and we've made it our mission to fix that!
-- If the mere sight of a loofah sends you into a gender-confusion-driven, psychotic rage, you need the Shower Hammer!
You no longer have to endure the fluffy, girly bullshit of loofahs. Fuck loofahs. The Shower Hammer makes you clean with violence!
-- Another common problem faced by men the world over is that of smelling like something that isn't awesome enough. We all know that coconut smells great, but have you ever seen a coconut burst into flames from sheer excellence? No, you haven't. That's why we've created the most comprehensive collection of badass aromas ever.
-- If you are driven to psychological meltdown by the sheer variety of hygiene products available to you, you may want to consider our brand new nine-in-one shower companion! It not only cleans you, conditions you and helps your razor glide smoothly over your face, it also keeps you company, provides a ready source of nutrients should you be stranded in the shower for any length of time and calms your nerves with a homeopathic antidepressant. It's basically everything you will ever need in one bottle.
-- Does your razor resemble some sort of contraption from the dark ages? Do you feel shame and anger every time you try to shave with such primitive technology? Do you feel that the number of blades on your current razor is entirely inadequate? Well, guess what?
LIGHTSPEED 3000!!! The fastest razor with the most blades ever!
-- If you've ever wished that your showers were more reminiscent of caged death-matches, then you might be interested in our Gladiator Genie Soap! Gladiator Genie Soap works just like regular soap, but it contains an evil spirit that will attack you mercilessly as soon as it is summoned
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When you begin lathering up, the friction you create will summon the genie contained within the soap. The genie will attempt to crush you with its teeth and/or defeat you with magic. If you want to survive, you must fight the genie to the death.
So if you want to turn your showers from a chore into a multi-sensory, life-or-death adventure, be sure to check out Sueeve products at your local grocery
yay!
ReplyDeleteHaha.
ReplyDeleteThis made me smile.
Where can I buy?
(and don't lie, I work at a grocery store, they did not have them)
ReplyDeleteI'll have to try the dragon sweat sometime. Looks like a great product.
ReplyDeleteMOTHERF***ING SELLOUT!
ReplyDeletethis was incredible! sueeve should make face wash as well. face wash with exfoliating beads that burn through skin impurities...
ReplyDeletei'm getting a little too into this. is it wrong that i find humor in thinking about people in pain?
This was absolutely, purely, epic.
ReplyDeleteAll my shower products and accessories look bland in comparison. Why doesn't my razor come with jet packs?! Is it because I'm a girl? That's sexism, that is!
ReplyDelete(Also also: exfoliating spikes! :D Brilliant!)
I could use the Sueeve 9-in-1...or the Doe Urine! My dad would love that for father's day!
ReplyDeleteEbonwumon - You aren't serious, are you? We definitely need to implement the sarcastimark...
ReplyDeleteI'm obsessed with this.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Love you! You're brilliant and I needed that laugh! THANK YOU!
ReplyDeleteI totally want the fire extract. What better way to fuel my obsession with fire than with a fire body wash?!
ReplyDeletefuck being clean. be a champion.
ReplyDeleteThis is PERFECT for me. I was in a lounge this weekend (aren't I cool?) and these 2 gentleman behind me were like, "I HATE it when guys smell like soap." And I was wondering if they could smell the soap I had used to shower and wondered if they were mad at me for being straight or just for using soap. I thought they were slandering me. But then one of them hit on me, so at least I got to feel uncomfortable.
ReplyDeletethis post just spawned a lolcat on my desk.
ReplyDeleteThat was just plain bizarre. But still worth reading.
ReplyDeleteI like how some of the guys' heads connect to their shoulders. Very manly. I am impressed, Allie, very impressed.
ReplyDeleteOh my God. I want to clean myself with a shower hammer. I really shouldn't, but it's SO HARDCORE.
ReplyDeleteI need some of that "Dragon Sweat" stuff, please!
ReplyDeleteThis is a masterpiece! Can I use the doe urine as rocket fuel for the jet pack razor?
ReplyDelete"It's like a fucking Russian nesting doll, but with razorblades instead."
ReplyDeleteAllie, I've decided to make you my personal hero. Now I just need to find the goofiest picture of you on this website so I can silk-screen it to a teeshirt ;)You kick ass; keep up the hilarity!
The only way you could be more badass in the shower is to peel your skin off =^.^=
ReplyDeleteEvery day that I read these posts (and I often find myself reading them even when you haven't posted anything...I just have a compulsion), I go "GOD I WANT TO BE LIKE ALLIE BROSH AND MAYBE FIND SOME OF HER HAIR AND SLEEP WITH IT ON MY PILLOW and then I realize how much of a creepy fuck that would make me but I can't bring myself to care.
ReplyDeleteIn other words: Bravo~
Man, do they put acai berry in fucking EVERYTHING or what???
ReplyDeletethe 'LOOFAH'S MAKE ME ANGRY!" picture needs to be a shirt, asap
ReplyDeleteFinally, products that I can trust.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're not dead.
ReplyDeleteSource of protein would have been a better product feature, given the beefy-ness of your male models.
ReplyDeleteOh my god I need a genie in my soap, why doesn't my soap have a genie in it too? My inferior soap makes me angry! I must go throw it through the neighbor's window to incite a violent fight in order to recreate the genie soap experience!
ReplyDeleteOh yay this is such a big day for me!
ReplyDeleteSince I´m a retarded sloth I found your blog just a few days ago, perhaps a week ago, I can´t really remember. And also, I live in Sweden so I guess the internet takes some time to travel over the ocean and well, Norway? There, thats my excuse for not finding your blog sooner. The ocean is too big and Norway is in the way.
Anyway, this is my first blog update from you. It feels like I´m on a birthday party and the cakes just keeps coming!
One word...
ReplyDeleteFUCKING AWESOME!!
Okay, that was two.
What's your point?
There's only one problem. The jetpacks are facing the wrong way! You'd never get any shaving done that way!
ReplyDeleteCam - Ah, but what you don't know is that the jet packs are reversible!! Sueeve has the best team of design experts available to mankind.
ReplyDeleteYou know, pomegranate seems to be the flavor of the season. Way to man it up. It was about time.
ReplyDeleteaHahahahah! this is awesome :) Those scents are very manly, lol
ReplyDeleteFire Extract: Because if your skin isn't burning off, you're a fucking pussy.
ReplyDeleteAllie, you totally rock! How the hell do you come up with so much awesomeness? You are like a goddess of awesome. Can you please sell the genius soap in your store in the near future? I'm sure you can manufacture it out of whatever hidden source of awesome you get everything from.
ReplyDeleteBoys take showers?
ReplyDeleteI have a coworker that naturally smells like a gorilla testosterone. But she's a girl. If you need a model for your products, I can give you her number. We can just dress her up in men's clothes and viola! So, do you need a model? Then we have a deal.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You're so awesome.
"Bleed the germs away!"
ReplyDeleteTwo gold stars for you :)
"Makes you clean with violence!" probably earns you multi-colored sparkly unicorn stickers, too.
I'm torn. The doe urine does not appeal to me but the acai berry may help me lose weight. Hmmmm....
ReplyDeleteWELCOME BACK!
ReplyDeleteThe very first and very last picture creep me the fuck out.
ReplyDeleteWhen this comes out on the market, I am so buying some for all of my friends :-). I wish someone had thought of putting a genie in soap before....it's so badass.
ReplyDeleteYou are a true genius.
You hit that spikey hammer on the bloody head. You can never have too many blades.
ReplyDeleteTotally insane and hilarious, as usual :) This reminds me of the powerthirst ads, which never fail to crack me up. As stated by everyone before me, you are awesome and super funny and weird in the best ways. Keep doing strange funny stuff and good luck on getting super famous!!
ReplyDeleteps: glad you aren't dead :)
Haha hilarious! If I was a guy I'd totally get the Gorilla Testosterone scent!!
ReplyDeleteGreat blog for someone who just survived near death ;)
I've been checking your site obsessively all day every day for the past week. I got super excited to see your new post!
ReplyDeleteThe rhinocerous blood sounds the most intriguing to me... but goddamn it, it had better be made out of Northern White Rhino... otherwise, that's totally not going to ignite my testosterone. Speaking of, can I mix aromas? Such as Rhino Blood PLUS Courage with pomegranate, because I'm also a pussy. What happens when you mix? Are there fireworks? And by fireworks, I mean EXPLOSIONS!!? I hope so.
It's not your best post ever or anything, but it made me smile. I might have found it funnier if you had a dialogue with Duncan where you tried your sales pitch on him. Crazy ads for masochistic products can get a laugh, but relating it back to reality in some way gives it a third dimension. It's like character development
ReplyDeleteCan I get the Nine In One with Dragon Sweat scent?
ReplyDeleteI think the jet packs aren't backwards; All you have to do is pull and let it jet itself back and pull again, instead of wasting energy repositioning the razor with every stroke.
ReplyDeleteI am hoping that from now on, any time I accomplish something - even something incredibly minor, the last picture in this post will pop into my head. It would make my life so, so much more epic. It doesn't matter that I'm a girl; that drawing is the visualization of deranged triumph, which is an emotion we should all experience a little more often.
ReplyDeletehahahaha the gladiator genie looks like a sperm. A giant sperm with teeth.
ReplyDeletei'm a new reader here, and wow. you are epic. THAT IS SO COOL! :D
ReplyDeleteThese may be my favorite drawings so far.
ReplyDeleteSweet. I'm totally going to start showering again!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sueeeeeve!
At first I didn't like this. But then I loved it.
ReplyDelete"The closest your face will ever come to being shaved by a spaceship." = gold
"Courage (with pomegranate)" = top score
Holy MOTHER, Allie.
ReplyDeleteI was making notes of my favorite lines as I read this post, with plans to quote them in my comment and thus be *very specific* about exactly how much I enjoyed this, but I soon realized that would mean copying and pasting the entire post. That's how much I love it. So much so that in order to show you how much, I'd have risk copyright infringement. That's a lot. (I would have said "alot" as a joke, but I'm afraid that might get out of hand and people will start thinking we're serious.)
LOVE,
Stormy
I am interested in fundraiser packs for my local boy and/or girl scout troop. How can I get started today raising money using SUEEVE prodcuts?
ReplyDeleteBest regards,
michi
I'm glad you're alive! And not dead! This past week was very sad with all the radio silence and everything. But this post definitely made me crack up, so I'm glad you came back with a bang. :)
ReplyDeleteHeh. Don't be surprised if Rico Sauve changes his last name to Rico Sueeve, because after all, he sure could use a heavy dose of Sueeve's manliness.
ReplyDeleteThe blades make me happy. You could have said there were a billion blades, but that would be cliche. Instead you made them fucking amazing. :D
ReplyDeleteThis is, um, the best thing of all of ever. This is so awesome, I can't feel my pecs.
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of this site.
ReplyDeleteI am blown away.
ReplyDeleteI am too delighted and sore-bellied from laughter to even attempt wit in this comment. I SIMPLY PRAISE YOU
Allie that post was simply amazing! For a while I was really beginning to worry, we hadn't seen you for a week, and your last post had been about dying... so it is good (and a relief) to see you back! =D
ReplyDeleteShower Hammer... I laughed so hard!
Awe. Some.
ReplyDeleteYou rock my socks off.
I let my bf read this and now he wants to marry you. Thanks. Thanks a lot for stealing my man with your super awesome shower junk.
You had him at Shower Hammer. Then finished him off with the Gladiator genie soap.
You're imagination seriously blows me away. I LOVE reading your stuff!!
sooo glad you aren't dead!!! I was afraid maybe the last post was a premonintion :(
ReplyDeleteFor someone lacking a Y chromosome, you seem to understand the needs of men everywhere. To show how much we men appreciate this quality in the fairer sex, I hereby dub thee an official "ladybro" to dudes everywhere.
ReplyDeletethat 9 in 1 stuff already exists here... a friend of mine bought me some... :P I even used it as laundry detergent once...
ReplyDeleteStaryx - Dude, thanks. That's excellent news!
ReplyDeleteI will think of this every time I see commercials for men's body wash. Every time.
ReplyDeleteYOU. ARE. AWESOME!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you are such a total nutcase and that you let us have a view into your mind. It is very entertaining and scary all at the same time! Hahahaha!! I think I am laughing at relief that those images aren't real and that there really isn't such a company. I am so glad there really is no Sueeve. Hahahaha...haha...ha. Is there? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteReversible jetpacks? Touche Allie, touche indeed.
ReplyDeleteThe progression of this strip was fun. It started out with the green thong guy being upset because his soap was boring... He ends up fighting a soap genie.
ReplyDelete"The Shower Hammer makes you clean with violence!"
ReplyDeleteThis is a perfect combination of words and ideas. 0.0 Wide eyed I am.
FINALLY, a proper way to express my rampant manliness that doesn't involve hunting a rhino so I may cleanse myself with its severed horn! This will save all sorts of time. Time I can use to lift things.
ReplyDeleteAlso, welcome back from the brink of death Allie! I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago and was sad at the lack of updates and then I was super sad at the fact that you may or may not have been dying but I guess you're ok now so yay! :D
So worth the wait. Great graphics, tantalizing images of scents of abstract ideas and general extreme-ness to top it all off. This, in addition to discovering giantbulgingmandolphin.webs.blahblah have cheered me up after a rough day. Thanks, Allie!
ReplyDeleteThese products seem vastly superior to Axe... yet that's on the market, and these aren't. Lame!
ReplyDeleteYAY YOU EXIST
ReplyDeleteYou're back! I just discovered your blog this week and read all your old posts.You rock!
ReplyDeleteFunny fucking post ever! You are a marketing genius.
ReplyDeleteBut what about spaghatta nadle??? Has he pasta way??? This made me laugh for hours when I thought of it.
Miss the nadle...sniff sniff
Oh my god... I just died laughing. My Boyfriend kept asking me 'what' and I just kept telling him that you had finally posted again.
ReplyDeleteSo I think he's going to come after you with a chainsaw for turning me into a zombie through laughter. (Because I died laughing! Ha! You thought I was just using an idiom!)
You didn't tell us about your new puppy! :[
ReplyDeleteThis was still funny though.
You are a goddamn genius.
ReplyDeleteBut can it put me on a boat? And get me tickets to that thing I like? Tickets...which are now DIAMONDS?
ReplyDeleteI feel that way about show products. Nothing treats my full beard right, but I know I want to smell like dragon sweat. I demand it now! Umm, please?
ReplyDeleteOh thank God, I thought for sure you got sick again. Instead, you were adding sinews to the necks of your soap models :) My favorite lines: "it's like a f--king Russian nesting doll" and "the closest your face will ever get to being shaved by a spaceship." Thank you for making finals week that much more bearable!
ReplyDeleteYou could just save yourself a few dollars and buy Code Red Deer Urine. It comes in White Tail variety. Its like the Dom Perignon of deer urine.
ReplyDeleteI was going to leave a comment asking whether you are still alive when I saw this post.
ReplyDeleteBRILLIANT! I'm a girl but I want to wash with fire extract and the genie soap. Is there a way to get it all the way in Asia?!
The hell of it is, I'm pretty sure that Axe already makes a "Gorilla Testosterone" scent, and that it's being worn by teenage boys everywhere. They stink.
ReplyDeletelmao
ReplyDeletei am so glad you're back.
i sent you a get-well card a bit back, and realize it might have been a bit stalkerish/fed by coffee-induced mania...
i promise to never stalk you. (not even on facebook!)
but i enjoy your awesomeness, i am foisting it onto all my friends via aggressive linking, something i am highly enjoying!!!
AWESOME! Seriously, you should start A) an advertising agency or B) your own line of health and beauty aids products for men :D
ReplyDeleteHilarious..and I think I could use the Lightspeed 3000 for shaving my legs...I might never have to shave them again or I just might not have LEGS after that!!
thank gods you're back and better than ever!! I thought for sure you had actually died and we were all going to feel like giant jerks for laughing at your last post. So, thanks for not dying. I don't need any more guilt for laughing at other people's misfortunes hanging over my head.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're back. I no longer need to fly to Montana and take care of you, because I feared the worst.
ReplyDeleteEpic. Danke shoen.
ReplyDeleteNO, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYes. :D
Omg whoever had that idea for the loofa shirt!!! That would be fucking AMAZING!!!!
ReplyDelete"You no longer have to endure the fluffy, girly bullshit of loofahs. Fuck loofahs. "
ReplyDeleteTHAT'S what I'm talking about, Allie... Fuck loofahs. Damn loofahs anyway.
Brutalize the dirt off...so much WIN. Only thing missing is a trimming device for nail, beards, nose and ear hair.
ReplyDeleteSomething petrol-fueled with rotating scythes should do the trick ;)
HAHA, another great post!!
ReplyDeleteIt's a good thing you gave up on being real Internet famous. This half-assed post is probably more your speed--famous like that security guard who works at the mall and as a clown at Applebee's on Tuesdays.
ReplyDeletethis is your best fake-ad ever Allie!
ReplyDeleteYou win it this time. Even, I, last time I check, woman, want to buy that genie soap and fight him to death!
WANT IT.
"Dragon Sweat" is the coolest idea for a fragrance and source of carbohydrate/multivitamin/antioxidant EVER.
ReplyDeleteI would actually drink something labeled "Dragon Sweat." Is that gross?
I feel like making up mock labels for these.
While I am in no way suggesting I want to see cartoon nudity, I am mightily perplexed as to why all the Sueeve spokesmen shower in Speedos.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I laughed, I cried, I humbled myself before the genius that is Allie B!
Absolutely hilarious! Just for the hell of it I decided to check your blog before I went to bed. Bad mistake. I laughed so hard that I'm going to be awake for at least another hour. It's ok, though, you still have my support and I hope that you can do this as a job because I would have very little to laugh about in life otherwise.
ReplyDelete@Jenn Holton - Dragon Sweat is a pretty cool idea. It might even be cooler if there was a unicorn or Chuck Norris involved somehow as well. Also, I want to see the labels and yes, I too would probably drink something called "Dragon Sweat"
SHE'S ALLIIIVE!!
ReplyDeleteHad to do it. Could not be stopped. Also, I NEED the 9 in 1 and/or the Gladiator Genie Soap. And I'm an eighteen year old GIRL.
Dude, showers bore me to tears. For realz. Fighting to the death in my shower might ACTUALLY, SERIOUSLY make me consider taking them regularly.
New reader here, just wanted to put this out there...I think I need that razor for when the zombie apocalypse comes.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna lie, I think you would serve "Axe" well by advertising for them. On a serious note, you aren't much more far fetched than their current ads...
ReplyDeleteBesides, this is MUCH better than being on a horse.
Congratulations for once again exuding greatness from your very existence.
Hey, so when I stumbled upon this blog I was so delighted, my life had reached an all time low of boredom and stagnation. I began to read it from it's beginnings to present and when I discovered that there weren't enough hours in the day to read your blog and work I quit my job. Yes, you have have reached an milestone of internet fame-dome and awesome-ness-ocity. I quit my job so I could read every post you've ever... err posted. Okay, well before you get all super excited, I hated that job and was going to quit anyway, but I feel that your blog was the light in the darkness that made me say, fuck going in today. I'm going to read about this girls life!. Anyway, just thought you should know that you're awesome, and I love you! :) And I'm also glad your not dead.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Just fyi in case you were feeling bad that I was going to have to live on the streets and steal peoples internet to read your blog, I have already found a new and better job that makes me happy. So in fact not only did you have someone quit their job for you, you've managed to cause someone to become very happy with their life.
Here's to hoping you read this comment and it brightens your day!
Yay! So glad you're back...and helping me avoid studying for my physics final :)
ReplyDeleteso immediately before reading this post i was actually in the shower!
ReplyDeleteit was a terrible shower experience. My razor with only 3 blades (none of them were even inside eachother!) cut my hand and i didn't even get to fight a genie or use and exfoliating hammer or anything :(
your products need to make it onto the market ASAP
Now I don't have to spend time figuring out what the heck to get my dad for Christmas this year.
ReplyDeleteYay, you're not dead! Come to the forum and receive the love of your loyal subjects!
ReplyDeleteI like to read your blog, but you now have over 56 pictures to download when I try to access your blog- which my sad poor-persons internet cannot handle
ReplyDeleteSigh
I feel less manly because I don't understand the true appeal of doe urine. I wonder if mauling a tiger would solve my problems?
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!
ReplyDeleteLadybro, you nailed it. Showering is so boring! If I could fight my body soap in an epic battle for survival each time I showered; I'd probably shower more often...
ReplyDeletethis is so fucking amazing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to be a lurker, but I don't have blogspot account and must say: Your blog wins now and forever, and this post only reaffirms that.
ReplyDeleteMy razors are too slow. I need the Lightspeed 3000. I will pay any price for it, as long as it does not involve any flying monkeys or porpoises.
Your body builders remind me of the giants from Roald Dahl's BFG. Which is supremely awesome.
That is all.
Too damn FUN KNEE!! While I have never indulged in these as yet unmarketed products, I have had epic battles in my shower. Mostly involving stubborn shampoo lids or the last tiny puff of shaving cream, or the dreaded plastic safety razor cover that you just know will shred your finger if it slips while you're trying to remove it. But hey, I'd rather do that than drop my wineglass. I can't wait to get a shower hammer, loofahs suck.
ReplyDeleteYeeah, it's been far, far too long
ReplyDeleteYAY NEW POST!
ReplyDeleteI can totally forgive you for not posting sooner because this post is AWESOME!
I work for a beauty company, but I love this post for making me laugh and be happier about rewriting ingredients lists. Thanks for making this desk jockey laugh!
ReplyDeleteBe a hero! Brutalise yourself into cleanliness.
Okay, I love your dog and think he is SUPERCUTE (thanks for friending me on FB). About the pictures - as one who has a rambunctious time stretching dog and an equally rambunctious time stretching toddler, get to know and love the setting on your camera that has an icon that looks like a blurry hand. That sport setting is your new "AUTO".
ReplyDeleteLove your cartoons! I also have a couple of suggestions:
ReplyDeleteSpiky hammer... good for softening up those stiff muscles too!
I would personally like some Radox Oxblood and Used Car Oil shower gel.
Lastly, I find that the a carrot grater works absolute wonders for exfoliation.
Ciao from South Africa
Nine-in-One is like crystal meth in a bottle!
ReplyDeleteNine-in-One is crystal meth in a bottle!
Nine-in-One is crystal meth!
I'M F**KIN' BUYIN' IT !!!! *ROARRRRRR* I WIIIIN!!!
ReplyDeleteSueeve 9 in 1 is the shit!
ReplyDeleteRazor blade too..but uhh..the jet packs are supposed to be the other way round?
Showering in underwear? What is confused man hiding?
ReplyDeleteAhahaha! Priceless.
ReplyDeleteIs this the thin end of the slippery slope of self-censorship, or can you just not draw willies?
ReplyDeleteP.S. I love you and I want to have your babies.
Yeah! You're still not dead!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete:DD (very happy bear, lol)
I was going to draw a graph showing how sad I felt checking your blog every day to find no new posts, but now I can ride the wave of awesomeness from this post for a few more days. :P
Also, does the Sueeve 9 in 1 cause the extra teeth, or is it purely a by-product of fighting genies?
I must have the shower hammer!
ReplyDeleteGlad you're back with a vengeance! And to think, all this time I was satisfied with my exfoliating sugar scrub. I'm clearly a pansy.
ReplyDeleteFinally! Someone else who recognizes the need to render sarcasm for online communication. You called it the sarcastimark, I call it the sarc HTML tag.
ReplyDeleteWe need to petition the gods of markup language to solve this age old dilemma.
Use your Internet celebrity powers for good, Allie! Make it happen!
I wish I could think of a really awesome comment that would make you comment back to me and declare me your new imaginary bff. Sadly, nothing comes to mind.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, you totally rock!
Or is it irregardless?? I never figured that one out. If you could clear that up for me I would appreciate it, Alot.
ReplyDeleteIt's excellent that you offer a product for the manly man who still enjoys the soothing scent of pomegranate and acai berry. Is the shower hammer available in purple?
ReplyDelete(Nice to have you back, I finished reading all your posts 3 days ago and was suffering withdrawals)
It's about time shower products were geared towards men.
ReplyDeleteYay! Most glad to see that the nasty disease thing you had last week hasn't carried you off. Even more glad to see that that fine brain of yours has been busy working at transforming our menfolk from a bunch of namby pamby, soft, flower-scented wussies, into the bleeding cavemen we all secretly long for! Keep it up.
ReplyDeleteThis is hilarious. Why are you so amazing?
ReplyDeleteHa! Very funny stuff. Though I never knew manly men showered while wearing speedos.
ReplyDeleteSo....many....comments *gasp* waaaaater
ReplyDelete(my trek to the end of the comments was arduous and long and ... I'm thirsty? I guess?)
Um. You always rule.
Love, Chiefy 4->
Why are these guys showering in the swimming suits? Don't they clean their junk?
ReplyDeleteI had a breakthrough. This needs to be made into an infomercial. With you narrating it. It would be like a combination of those 4 minute ads for extendable reachy arm claw/grabber things, and an episode of WWE Raw. Or at least what WWE Raw is like in my imagination.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I'm betting it would be the most successful infomercial of all time.
OK girl... can you explain why my gf got pissed off when she discovered that I use baby shampoo?
ReplyDeleteCluelss
WIN! Thanks for the new post Allie, I can breath again! I thought you were dead even though your other post said you weren't dead.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work! I would totally buy a razor with jet packs on it. Also genie soap!
I can personally vouch for the doe urine. Can you say "babe magnet"?
ReplyDeleteIt's about time that quality products such as these were made available. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteifo
ReplyDeletehttp://www.snorgtees.com/theonlythingwehavetofear-p-661.html?osCsid=71ad98576f4a5e8ca45f52c03717574d
ReplyDeleteCompletely unrelated.
So THAT'S why it took you so long to update! Genius like this takes time! I think my favorite line was "The closest your face will ever come to being shaved by a spaceship!" Totally classic. You're amazingly funny.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up!
i'm loving on this site
ReplyDeleteAccording to Poplar Mechaniks, a homeopathic level of estrogen has been found in Dragon Sweat, causing crying jags in shower stalls. Care to comment?
ReplyDeleteI am on my way to buy a hundred cases right now.
ReplyDeleteThe razorblades being like Russian nesting dolls killed me. That is definitely the way its headed.
damn! with such a multitasking product,my man definitely will turn to a metro sexual kinda guy.lol!
ReplyDeleteand here i thought my beard smelled like coconut because of my feat that my chin was sun bathing without me
ReplyDeleteSo awesome to hear from you again! Are you feeling okay?
ReplyDeleteBrillo Pads - great for the taint!
ReplyDeleteYay for not being dead! I was having AWs (Allie Withdrawals) and hoping you were feeling ok. This post was worth waiting for! COURAGE (with Pomegranate) made me snort (yes, I'm at work and now all my cubeneighbors think I'm insane....). Thanks for coming back and not being dead also.
ReplyDeleteI, too, was having Allie Withdrawals, but had to remind myself that your health was (slightly) more important than my need for Hyperbole and a Half.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the awesomeness. I am spreading it around the Interwebs to people who need more awesome and win in their lives.
Maybe you could market it with really gritty sand paper for those rough patches of skin on the elbows.
ReplyDeleteHa!..great post, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're not dead! I haven't even read the post yet, but I was getting worried.
ReplyDeleteIs it weird that I was genuinely getting concerned for a blogger whom I have never met, who also doesn't even know that I exist...?
ReplyDeleteGlad you're back! You had me worried. :-P
*hug*
Regarding the post, I am assuming this was motivated by the latest "cleaning products for men" trends, where they refer to loofahs as "shower tools".
Nice take on the current state of male cleansing affairs. ;-)
This is like the Powerthirst of men hygiene products.
ReplyDeleteI approve.
I'm glad to hear you're continuing to be not dead! It would suck if you stopped now.
ReplyDeletealso - what if I already smell like a combination of Dragon Sweat and Doe Urine? Does this mean that I don't need a shower?
You just made my whole day. Plus the day of all the men I know--they just don't know it yet.
ReplyDeleteWow, um, I definitely need to remember to not read this blog while I'm in the library. I don't think I've laughed that much since...well, since I read your not dead post two days ago.
ReplyDeleteI want the Gladiator Genie Soap
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ReplyDeletehaha you're awesome Allie.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's especially funny for me because my bf and I have a running joke because once he said I should try using a loofah for some skin problem I was having and I was astounded he not only had one, but USED it too. So I made fun of him for it, and now he likes to take any opportunity to recommend I use a loofah. hee hee. So, I am sending him this post. :)
clio44 of
www.lauramrmak.com
AWESOME blog!!!
ReplyDeleteMagic. I would gladly use the 9-in-1 shower gel.
ReplyDeleteyou forgot to add protein powder - beloved by men everywhere.
ReplyDeleteAh, is that why Axe makes all those different scents with all of those stupid names?
ReplyDeleteI'll have some Courage (with pomegranite) please! ^^
ReplyDeletegrrrr!
(that was my manly growl of manliness - clearly just the right amount of manly for these products).
I don't know if you intended it or not, but this is a hilarious comment on how our culture sees basic hygiene as somehow gender specific. Judging from new products/commercials the past few years, it is apparently too feminine for guys to shower unless they are cleaning themselves with hammers that smell like testosterone. Awesome post. =)
ReplyDeleteyo dawg, I heard you like blades...
ReplyDeleteI couldn't finish the post because my computer screen burst into flames from sheer excellence. Did we find out where to buy Sueeve products?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZjRdsGhtE4&feature=related
ReplyDeleteSo you were traumatized by Terry Crews too, huh?
Don't worry, Ms. Brosh. You're not alone.
Juan H.
Another brilliant post.
ReplyDeleteI liked it Alot :P
This is as funny to stationary-2D man hygiene advertisement as this is to motionary-2D man hygiene advertisement.
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ReplyDeleteI want my face to be shaved by a spaceship
ReplyDeleteThis article was so manly, my testicles exploded! Allie now owes me 1 neuticle, and one object of similar size and weight - need not be a second neuticle.
ReplyDeleteYes! I have long foreseen the need for a return to manlier hygeine products. Forget that metro crap, get me the shower hammer!
ReplyDeleteThis made my day. Really, you are great! I think my favorite was the Lightspeed 3000. :P Keep doing this, you have talent!
ReplyDeleteYou forgot the manliest clean of all, which is going hunting in marshlands at 5am in February, falling into a patch of frozen ice, being covered with burrs, drinking a fifth of Jim Beam, and then not showering ever again. All you need to do is clean a fish once a week to maintain.
ReplyDeletehot.
Yup. It's officially. I'm totally 100% in love with you. And yeah, in a gay way.
ReplyDeleteAh ha ha. Love this. Should be mandatory reading.
ReplyDeleteWhy do all your men shower wearing underwear?
ReplyDeleteYou are the best thing I've found on the Web in a long, long time.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little sad... I have read through your entire blog (even the B-sides) so I guess now I'm on live time. You know kinda like those people who netflix lost and watch three seasons a week until they catch up and get annoyed that they have to wait seven days between new episodes. Yeah, I'm one of those guys now.
ReplyDeleteYou made my day. Your blog is seriously amazing and just thank you :)
ReplyDeleteI am SO buying some of that for my husband because I've always wanted him to smell like Rhinoceros Blood. It's a total turn-on. Maybe now I can stop illegally poaching the damn things ...
ReplyDeleteWhen fighting the evil genie monster, do you have to roll for initiative?
ReplyDelete