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How to Stick to Your New Year's Resolutions and Also Accomplish Lots of Other Things

This year, I'm going to trick myself into accomplishing my New Year's resolutions.  I've come up with a bunch of easily achievable "decoy resolutions" among which I will hide my real resolutions.  I'm hoping that if I'm flying along, accomplishing things like crazy, and I come to one of my real New Year's resolutions, I'll just assume it's easy like all the other ones and get through it without a problem.   Kind of like how zebras confuse their predators by being all stripe-y and running around chaotically.   Then the predator is all "Oh no!  There's so many of them!  I'm so confused and I don't know which one to pick, so I'm just going to stand here and let them run away..."

Actually, I don't think that's what I want.  That's the opposite of what I want.  Oh well, I've come this far and I'm not about to waste a good blog post on account of a technicality.

New Year's Resolutions:

1.  Blink my eyes sometimes.  DONE
2.  Sit in a chair.  DONE
3.  Make a sudden, loud noise like "bababababa!!!" DONE
4.  Have skin on my arms and legs.  DONE
5.  Get a real-person job.
6.  Think about dolphins.  DONE
7.  Think about bears.
8.  Enjoy eating cheese.  DONE
9.  Take more showers
10.  Incorporate the word "magnanimous" into a blog post.  DONE
11.  Learn the definition of "magnanimous."  DONE.  Googled it.  It means "to be generous and forgiving of insult or injury, to be free from petty resentfulness."
12.  Be more magnanimous.  DONE.  Kyle, we can be friends if you want.  Crap Blog Detective, I take back what I said about you being a "douche bad."
13.  Somehow become less scared of my basement.
14.  Look outside and see that it is raining.  DONE
15.  Become famous.
16.  Make a million dollars.
17.  Point at a lamp.  DONE
18.  Point at the ground.  DONE
19.  Hop on one foot.  DONE
20.  Eat some snow.  DONE
21.  Don't get any gastrointestinal diseases from eating snow
22.  Grow an indestructible exoskeleton
23.  Post a picture of a dinosaur on my blog

DONE.  I'm such an overachiever.  That's eight dinosaurs.   And Jesus.
24.  Look outside again and see that it is still raining.  DONE
25.  Look outside and plan to check if it is raining again, but forget about the rain because there are wild turkeys on your parents' lawn and that is distracting.  DONE.
26.  Get really, absurdly excited about the wild turkeys.  DONE
27.  Chase wild turkeys off of parents' lawn.  DONE.  Those turkeys didn't stand a chance.
28.  Feel way more powerful than turkeys.  DONE
29.  Think about monsters.   DONE.
30.  Write at least one blog post.  DONE
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30 comments:

  1. Erin WJanuary 1, 2010 at 3:05 PM

    That Jesus and dinosaurs picture is beautiful. I wish it was framed above my bed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ZaedahJanuary 1, 2010 at 3:28 PM

    Following your magnanimous example, I have now completed several items on your list. All by myself and with minimal back support. I blinked and thinked (and winked because I got carried away).

    Now if I could just detach my roommate from the ceiling, a result of yelling bababababa, all would be right in the new year!

    ReplyDelete
  3. KellyJanuary 1, 2010 at 3:41 PM

    Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  4. The JulesJanuary 1, 2010 at 4:35 PM

    Way to have skin on your arms and legs!

    Flying start to 2010 for you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. TempestBeautyJanuary 1, 2010 at 5:13 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  6. MandyJanuary 1, 2010 at 5:14 PM

    Man. You're already over half way done with your list, and it's still the first day of 2010. You rule this year already.

    ReplyDelete
  7. qandlequeenJanuary 1, 2010 at 5:27 PM

    Why do you even have the basement thing on your list???? Basements are scary and I sleep in one so I know. Just do yourself a favor and scratch that off your list because that's really unobtainable.

    ReplyDelete
  8. EdJanuary 1, 2010 at 5:49 PM

    It's good to have substandard yet achievable goals.

    Congrats on your Doneness.

    Good luck with your undoneness.

    ReplyDelete
  9. SarahJanuary 1, 2010 at 6:02 PM

    Dude. You're totally cheating. I don't believe for a second that you've actually thought about monsters.

    ReplyDelete
  10. DeidreJanuary 1, 2010 at 6:29 PM

    But did you hop on one foot while pointing at the lamp and at the ground?

    ReplyDelete
  11. SaadiJanuary 1, 2010 at 6:46 PM

    Hahaha..loved the over-achiever line!!! Really funny! :D

    ReplyDelete
  12. Philippe de St-DenisJanuary 1, 2010 at 7:18 PM

    Is it okay if I feel bad for the wild turkeys? It's on my list of New Years Resolutions.

    ReplyDelete
  13. AnonymousJanuary 1, 2010 at 7:32 PM

    Sometimes I'm not sure whether to laugh at you or pity you:) anyway, people seem to think that you are the perfect idiot in their comments to you. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright! I love your site! You've got a new fan. Happy New Year to you and yours.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Veronica M. D.January 2, 2010 at 12:23 AM

    Well done, my lady.

    Also? That Jesus on a dinosaur pic is majestic. Perhaps you could do your own rendition and sell it in your shop, along with all the other wares you should be selling because you are hilarious and you want to make a million dollars.

    Happy 2010!

    ReplyDelete
  15. MaggieJanuary 2, 2010 at 12:57 AM

    You need to slow down. If you do too many in one day your going to get a headache, go into some kind of shock, and die. Then you won't ever get to finish, and you'll be stuck as a ghost roaming earth forever because you didn't finish.

    ReplyDelete
  16. erinJanuary 2, 2010 at 7:12 AM

    Take more showers is on my list too.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The HitchhikerJanuary 2, 2010 at 8:59 AM

    I ate a lamp while showering. I now have serious electric burns to my face. I hope you don't mind me awarding myself 100 bonus points for a combination effort (are we doing points? who does points? I shall stop.)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Paul BlanchardJanuary 2, 2010 at 9:26 AM

    I must say, I heartily approve. Especially thinking about bears. Have you considered the merits of piranha-bear based thoughts?
    And yea, that's a great picture of Jesus... I wish I had a dinosaur...

    ReplyDelete
  19. timoteoJanuary 2, 2010 at 5:01 PM

    Dear Allie,

    I see you're already kickin' ass in 2010. Are you also taking names?

    timoteo

    ReplyDelete
  20. CwybrowJanuary 3, 2010 at 4:08 PM

    See, I totally maxed out... and didn't make ANY NY resolutions. WIN!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Lady VJanuary 3, 2010 at 7:28 PM

    Obviously you are already familiar with this but your readers may not be... and when I saw it I thought of you, Allie. Happy new year.

    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/ptero

    ReplyDelete
  22. KurtJanuary 4, 2010 at 5:29 AM

    My New Year's resolution was to comment in a timely fashion on all my favorite blogs and not get there 3 days too late like usual.

    Fuck.

    ReplyDelete
  23. ChlJanuary 4, 2010 at 7:02 AM

    Jesus on a dinosaur? What the hell? That HAS to be the result of a Google image search gone horribly weird.

    ReplyDelete
  24. ChlJanuary 4, 2010 at 7:02 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Jovial ConnoisseurJanuary 5, 2010 at 4:16 AM

    wow you have had an awesome start for new year...
    an awesome post to start off with 2010
    happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Jay FerrisJanuary 5, 2010 at 10:37 AM

    Fill the Internet into awesome. DONE

    ReplyDelete
  27. AnonymousJanuary 5, 2010 at 12:56 PM

    I've only accomplished one of my New Year's resolutions! You're so far ahead of me! Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  28. dogimoJanuary 6, 2010 at 2:48 AM

    It's a little-known fact that God lives in the future (which is why God knows everything), and that Jesus was basically sent back in time to complete his big mission, but that the first time...well, he overshot it a bit. The angels were in charge of the chronopult, and as we all know, angels aren't always infallible. Result: the delightfully pastoral scene we see here.

    Oddly enough, the result was pretty much the same! But it was one very very weird crucifixion, that first time around.

    ReplyDelete
  29. KileyJanuary 6, 2010 at 3:56 PM

    well, you totally just showed 2010 who's boss.

    and sorry, but i don't think you could ever become less scared of your basement. that picture you posted of it gave me chills...i don't even want to go into my OWN, orc-free kitchen after seeing that thing.

    I spent about 3 hours reading your whole blog, so you are now one reader closer to fame and fortune. you're WELCOME.

    ReplyDelete
  30. The Queen of WeedsJanuary 31, 2010 at 6:40 PM

    I think you should totally paint your basement all bright, like with day-glow yellow or something. Then put one of those flood light thingies in there that you can remote control turn on. Maybe add some pink polka dots on the walls to. Because you know that no self-respecting Orc would ever be caught dead in a day-glow yellow room with pink polka dots. All the other Orcs would completely tease him until he had to find a different day job. As for rapists/murderers... I think if they saw a room like that they would start worrying about YOUR sanity and they would leave and find a more sane girl to rape/murder.

    ReplyDelete

I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you