Yet Another Good Example of Why I Shouldn't Blog at 2:30 in the Morning

Boyfriend and I watched a movie tonight and the movie had Michael Cera in it.  During the movie, Boyfriend said "You totally have a crush on Michael Cera..." and I was like "Yeah."

Two hours later:

Boyfriend:  "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love me?"

Me:  "Eleven million."

Boyfriend:  "On a scale of one to ten, how much do you love Michael Cera?"

Me:  "Nine."

Boyfriend:  "That's not a big gap."

Me:  "Yeah.  Especially not when you factor in how long I've known you versus how long I've known Michael Cera.  Are you jealous?"

Boyfriend:  "No."

Me:  "What if I was like 'I want to bone Michael Cera'?"

Boyfriend:  "I wouldn't take you very seriously because you can't even say it with a straight face."

And then I looked Boyfriend straight in the face and without even a whisper of a smile I said "I want to bone Michael Cera." And then Boyfriend asked me if I was thinking about dead kittens because I usually think about dead kittens when I'm trying to keep a straight face, and I was all "Yeah"and Boyfriend was like "So you just said 'I want to bone Michael Cera' while you were thinking about dead kittens?"

And yes.  Yes I did.

Anyway, I have found that matters of the heart are best solved with statistics.  If I truly hope to figure out whether I like Boyfriend or Michael Cera better, I'm going to have to crunch some numbers.

Figures and Charts:

Figure 1:

After careful analysis, it looks like Boyfriend wins 4 to 3.   Unless he turns out to be a rapist.  But if Boyfriend and Michael Cera both turn out to be rapists, Boyfriend still wins.

Figure 2:

It still appears that Boyfriend has a slight lead over Michael Cera and the trend would indicate that my affection for Boyfriend will continue to stay high while my affection for Michael Cera is mostly dependent on whether or not I've recently seen a movie that he was in.

But how do Boyfriend and Micheal Cera fair when compared to all of the other things I love?

Figure 3:

It still appears that Boyfriend beats Micheal Cera by a slim margin and he beats that one part in "Midnight Train" by an even slimmer margin.  In fact, the chart would indicate that when "Midnight Train" is combined with my favorite part of "Midnight Train," the resulting section takes up over 35% of  my capacity for love.

Well, I'm going to try to go to bed because being nocturnal doesn't appear to be good for my blog.  Also, Boyfriend went to bed about an hour ago and he was like "I'm going to bed."  And then I was like "I'm going to google Michael Cera" and Boyfriend was like "I doubt Michael Cera will protect you from the orcs in the meth-cellar..." which is probably true.

P.S.  Okay FINE, Technorati, here are your precious numbers:  TJ3VMN5RS9YE  


  1. One thing you can ALWAYS do is solve questions of the heart with science and math. That's how roofies were invented.

  2. hahahahahahaha. even at 4 in the morning i was able to laugh at this blog.


    ha. hahaha.

    i'm obsessed with little kids. seriously. you think you have a problem with "midnight train" and michael cera? well, i like my men (boys) a little (several years) younger than i am.

    take my boyfriend- four years younger. and, despite the cliche at the moment, my obsession with taylor lautner- seven years younger. yet, i still have no problem picturing them both naked, WITHOUT thinking about dead kittens.

    i'm pretty sure i have several monsters in my apartment as well. but, not nearly as scary as the orcs in the meth-lab basement.

  3. If my daughter ends up with someone as not-rapey as Michael Cera when she grows up, I will be very happy. For Boyfriend to be even less rapey than that, he must be very special indeed.

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  5. You should have been a mathematician! This is very clearly worthy of Nobel Prize in mathematics, if such a prize existed, which it doesn't.

  6. Michael Cera is sexy in a jailbait looking sort of way. His confused face is what did it for me.

    Also, I've happy someone else loves the smell of gasoline. Everyone thinks I'm crazy.

  7. On my pie chart, your boyfriend totally loses out to Hamburgers and the Part in the Journey song.

    That may have something to do with the fact that he's not my boyfriend and I'm not gay, or that hamburgers are just that good.

    It's a tough choice.

  8. You win for manipulating statistics better (worse?) than any other person I've seen. And I study social science, so you know you're a winner (loser?). I like to be positive 78% of the time.

    Totally with you on the Michael Cera thing. He's the only man who could make me say "I want to bone George Michael."

  9. Aw...Michael Cera seems like a good kid. And Paper Hearts was an amazing movie...even though that Charlene Yi chick sometimes sounds/looks like she has down syndrome. Still a good movie.

  10. Haha! You pretty much make my day... in a totally not creepy internet stalker kind of way!

  11. Wow, I love you. You are crazy in all the right ways. Why won't you answer my emails. Do you think of dead kittens when you think of me? I hope they are at least cute kittens. And Michael Cera rocks sometimes.
    I am not a stalker.

  12. I got confused with the whole Midnight Train issue until I saw the rest of the lyrics.

    Michael Cera makes me feel funny in my stomach. Like a cramp. I like my geeks more Adam Brody-ish.

  13. I can't believe how much I love this post. It's inappropriate almost.

    A true story for you: You know in Superbad when Michael Cera is forced to sing for those cokeheads? Well, he does this little pokey duck hand move while he's performing, and after I saw that movie I developed duck hand OCD and to this day I have compulsive duck hand when certain songs come on or when I'm excited.

    This post makes me duckhand like crazy.

  14. You should probably add "Provides protection from Orcs in the meth-cellar" to your chart. I think you'll find that really puts Boyfriend ahead. You're welcome, Boyfriend.

  15. I'm pretty sure once you see Michael Cera in a banana suit in Arrested Develpoment, you'll be like boyfriend who?

  16. Also to compare the two, Duncan sounds like Dunkin', like Dunkin' Donuts, and donuts are awesome. Michael Cera sounds like Triceratops, which is also pretty amazing, but can you put sprinkles on a triceratops?

  17. Aw. Real love!

    My bf REFUSES to watch anything with Ryan Reynolds because I LOVE Ryan Reynolds. Mmmmm..

  18. So have you seen Paper Heart with Michael Cera and his real life girlfriend? So cute and quirky!

  19. mepsipax - that's like the international creedo of stalkers everywhere. you say "i am not a stalker" with one hand on your binoculars and your other on your gps as you navigate your way through Montana...

  20. I need a venn diagram to be really convinced of this type of mathamategery.

  21. If my math assignments had been even remotely like this, I wouldn't be a 26-year-old who can't do fractions...

  22. How much I love hyperbole and a half? There isn't a scale big enough!

  23. You don't really think the title of that song is "Midnight Train", do you?

    Other than that, this was a fantastic post. Very original and funny. But Michael Cera is a douche. I'm willing to bet Boyfriend is a better actor, too.

  24. you should probably know that i work in film and i worked with michael cera on The Year One...and he's pretty obsessed with you too.

  25. Uh, the song is called 'Don't Stop Believin'' by Journey. Not 'Midnight Train'. Just so you know.

  26. I just started reading your blog and am in love! So clearly what a "real person" does at work for 8 hours is read about dinosaurs, pasta with a speech impediment, and games with bricks. Anyway, you should tell Boyfriend that he is way cuter than Michael Cera and he doesn't seem like a douche to the rest of the internets.

  27. FINALLY! I've found out how to post a comment, and since I will likely never find it again, I will comment on that other post you made about your retarded dog. I LOVE that dog, especially because she's retarded.

    Anyway, I was originally commenting to tell you that that Journey song is called "Don't Stop Believing" but then I googled it, and I guess it's also called "Midnight Train" That's weird.

    Also, I wanted to tell you that you have inspired me to pick up my old illustrated LJ. I kept letting it die, but now that I've seen that someone as lazy as I am can not only keep it up, but be successful at it, I will try to start mine up again. Cept I can't remember my password...

  28. The song is'nt called "Midnight train", It's called "Don't stop believing o.o

    And I love that part too, crazy much.


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