Urban Dictionary Thinks I'm an Alien Clown. Also? A Blow Job

When you find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis, it is often helpful to consult the internet.  The internet is just full of useful ways to find out who you are.

For example, I can go to Urban Dictionary and type in "Allie" and it will tell me all about myself and what exactly I mean to the world:

Confusing? Yes.  True?  Probably.  But maybe I'll look a little further for clarification...


Maybe if I try my last name...

That is informative but completely unhelpful.  I shall keep looking.

Really, internet?  Really?

There has got to be a better definition...

I'll take it!

UPDATE:  I Googled "Allie looks like" and this is a sampling of what came up:

 Fuck you, Internet.  What does "Allie is like the John Galt of professional sex" even mean?


  1. Every time I type in "Jessica", porn sites blow up my computer.

  2. Brosh can go both ways! Eh? EHH? *wink*

  3. I'm sorry, I'd leave a meaningful comment but I'm running off to

  4. I'm glad the John Galt one confused you as well...

  5. Ummmm?? Allie?? I didn't understand half of what those snapshots were talking about! (yup, showing my age!). What the hell is a "Chav"? A "bifferesss?" I'd go to Urban Dictionary to find out - but I figure these words probably won't ever find themselves in my vocabulary - so why bother?

    BTW - love the new layout! And have you run out of rice yet??

  6. Wow with Brosh as a surname you hardly need to work out your porn star name

  7. I just skimmed through your last couple posts- and I say skimmed because I'm at work right now, and I'm pretty sure this is what's going to get me fired (but whatever, because this shit is so worth it); but you are fuckin awesome, and I'm coming back when I get off work. There are just so many things I need to say.

  8. So basically, you're an Alien with a thorny bush who gives Blow Jobs and goes both ways, but is more professional at it than John Galt.


    It's like your parents were psychic or something when they named you.

  9. I just looked up my name, and there are incredibly awesome definitions for me.

    This one's my personal favorite because it's so true:


    award for theatrical achievement
    Announcer:"And the Tony goes to : Phantom of the Opera!"

    Also, this:

    This is a noun used to describe a man with certain characteristics. These include mental and physical strength, the overwhelming desire to do the best he can in everything he does, including giving pleasure to his sexual partner, an over-sized penis and testicles, the ability to drink massive quantities of beer, and the total lack of fear in most situations.
    "That guy Tony is a badass."

    "Tony stole my girlfriend twice!"

    "I heard one time Tony kicked Chuck Norris' ass!"

    And I don't know what that Anonymous person said. In case you were wondering.

  10. It sounds like whenever you say your full name, you are agreeing to a blowjob.

    Don't sweat it, I'm pretty sure if it ever comes to a court-of-law situation, Urban Dictionary doesn't constitute a binding oral agreement. In any sense of the word.

  11. I looked up my name, and they were all basically describing the perfect person. It was pretty awesome but a little weird. But I looked up my last name and found some decidedly odd ones, like this especially:


    code for porno invented by cool cats from southern minnesota
    "dude! i found a great new norman site!"

    I was vaguely disturbed, but not, I suspect, as disturbed as someone with the first name Norman would be.

  12. If I Google my name, everything I've ever done on the internet comes up. Which is both very cool and very creepy.

  13. oooh, I just did this for "Ellie looks like" and the winner would have to be:

    "Ellie looks like one of the plastic hula dancers on the car dash. DOWN Very Happy Swaying to the left, wiggle, wiggle, Swaying to the right wiggle, wiggle"

    add that to "Ellie looks like she likes it"

    and I'm a little creeped out. Obviously this person was looking through my bedroom window last night. (If you need help, let me clarify with two little words: on top.)

  14. Yeah, at least you get to be an innocent looking prickly bush. I have to be a jackoff toy:

    An object you can use to beat-off into. AKA Vagina.

    At least I'm useful. Maybe I can turn this into a job opportunity...

  15. Ah the googles. It used to turn up this picture of me bleeding from college. It is a long story. Well, not really that long, but not appropriate for comments. Maybe we can talk about it sometime. No? Are you too good for me. Fine then. I won't tell you then.
    Urban dictionary was right about you.

  16. Hahaa that is hilarious. WTF is a chaz? I didn't understand what any of that meant.

    I hope you found yourself through google. The internet is never wrong ya know :)

  17. I would have said you were the Tony Orlando and Dawn of professional sex. The internet is thick with lies!

  18. John Galt's the best engineer/scientist/awesome-guy that goes on strike because everyone else is a bunch of lazy dicks and suck in comparison to him (Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand). So I guess it means you're totally kickass at having sex for money, so people started asking for freebies and you end up quitting? I guess the underlying theme is that communism hurts hookers?

    All I know is that I've spent far too long reading your blog today. You are far too funny and engaging for me to get anything done.

  19. Im not sure if you'll read this sense this post is really old, however i wanted to share. i just tried to look up my last name "michalec" on urban dictionary and it said "michalec is not defined yet but these are close.." the first term they suggested was "glitter dick"


I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you