Thing of the Day: Remote. Rating: NOT AWESOME

Remote, you have one function:  controlling the TV from a distance so that I do not have to get off the couch.  It kind of defeats the purpose when you insist on being held 7 inches away from the sensor before you’ll do your job. 

I know the TV is big and intimidating, but you have to stand up to it.  Tell it what to do.  It understands that you are only taking orders from me.  

Here are the things I expect you to be able to communicate to the TV:

“Wake up, it’s movie time.”

“Play the movie.”

“Stop the movie for a little bit.”

“Stop the movie forever.”

“Speak up.”

“Please use your inside voice.”

“Please display your menu.”

“Please select this particular item from your menu.”

“Speak English.”

“Go fast.”

“Go backwards.”

“Stop what you are doing, it is no longer movie time.”

If you are uncomfortable saying any of these things to the TV, I may find it necessary to open up your position to a more assertive remote.   I am sorry, but this is a job that requires the candidate to be able to manage effectively from a distance.  If the TV doesn’t respect you, it will not listen to you, and if the TV does not listen to you, I actually have to use my muscles to walk over to it and tell it what to do myself.