I made the mistake of checking my bank account balance yesterday. Let's just say that if my account balance was a pile of rocks, I would not have a very big pile of rocks. In fact, if we lived in a society where rocks were used as a sort of primitive currency, I would not have enough rocks to pay rent. This realization prompted me to reevaluate my spending in an attempt to find things I could cut out of my budget. Here are my total superfluous expenses for the month of June:
1. Food that tastes good
2. "Fancy" tampons
3. Overdue movie rentals
4. One issue of Cosmopolitan magazine
5. Midol
6. Highlighters
7. Dessert
I had no choice but to eliminate all but the most essential expenditures, so I resigned myself to a more spartan existence.
Day-One without my luxuries went surprisingly well, until about 9:00 PM. It is at about that time that I usually have dessert. When I realized that I was not going to get dessert - not even the next night or the night after that - I began to panic. For the first time in my life, I briefly considered prostitution. How hard could it be? Craigslist has turned the world into a virtual street corner. My mind started churning over the angles I could use to advertise myself:
slightly used 1985 model female companion. All original parts. 1 previous owner. Fairly low maintenance. 20 miles per pint of Ben and Jerry's. $50 or equivalent amount of chocolate/tampons.
So sexy...
An ad of this magnitude would surely garner me all the chocolate and fancy tampons I could ever dream of! I could even buy two different-colored highlighters if I felt so inclined!
Just as I was getting excited about my prostitution-fueled candyland, my boyfriend reminded me that I respect myself too much to actually go through with selling my body for dessert and feminine hygiene products. But I am not so sure. My moral standards get a little hazy when I am facing this kind of deprivation.
My boyfriend also brought to my attention that I wouldn't actually be making as much money as I thought because I would definitely have to get myself a pimp "for protection." My boyfriend is always looking out for my safety and well-being!
I have not, as of yet, put up my ad on Craigslist, but it is almost lunchtime and I am already sick of rice.
Oh I think like this every time I neglect a huge pile of assignments until the last minute, then for days I have to ask anyone who will listen whether they think it is too late to drop out of university and get by on my charm (read: boobs).
ReplyDeleteUsually the assignments get done, I get the high marks and for few weeks I can shake my head at poor crazy Alice, fancy thinking of turning to stripping. Until the next pile of assignments (neglected in favour of the head shaking and what have you) throws me into panic again.
too bad you have to wait until christmas for your giftbasket of fancy tampons and cosmopolitan.
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