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I'm Definitely Not Dead

I woke up really early on Wednesday morning for no reason.  In retrospect, I can see it was probably my body's way of telling me that I might die later that day, so I better get the hell up and start enjoying the shit out of life.

My life that morning was not particularly enjoyable.  I felt like my internal organs had been punched by someone who is really enthusiastic about punching and therefore punches a lot.  In fact, they love punching so much that when they finished punching my internal organs, they moved on to punching my skin and all my muscles and also my eyes.


I don't own an accurate thermometer, but I once calibrated the thermometer I own using an accurate thermometer.


The thermometer read 102.3, so by my calculations, I was running a fever of about 103.5.  I took a couple aspirin and tried to get some work done.  That's when I wrote/illustrated this post.  I may have also responded to a few emails.  If you got an email from me last Wednesday that didn't make a lot of sense, I apologize.  I wasn't drunk.  I was just very ill.  

I eventually gave up on trying to be responsible and just sat on the couch staring off into space really intensely. 


That evening, my friend called to ask me if I'd like to meet her and another friend for drinks.  I didn't feel much like drinking, but I was feeling a little better and I'm almost tragically impulsive, so I was like "heck yeah I'll meet you guys for drinks!" Then I staggered into the bathroom to try and clean myself up enough to go out in public.  


At the bar, I ordered tea because I was really, really cold and even though I'm impulsive and irresponsible, I know enough not to complicate illnesses with alcohol.  The bartender looked at me like I was the first person ever to order raspberry tea in a bar.  

I was able to enjoy my tea for approximately five minutes before I started to feel emergency-nauseous and had to run to the bathroom. The next little bit is kind of a blur for me. I know that I passed out in the bathroom. I don't know how long I was out, but my first thought upon waking was "OH MY GOD I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOR!!!!!! I KNEW IT!!!"


I knew I should probably go to the hospital, but I'm still too poor for insurance, so I tried to convince myself that I was okay and I should just crawl home and sleep it off.  I tried to stand up, but I ended up head-butting the wall and crumpling to the floor again.  I lay there on the ground staring at some graffiti that just said "poop poop poop poop poop."  I started wondering whether that would be the last thing I ever saw.  It was a depressing thought for a few reasons.  

After several more unsuccessful attempts at getting to my feet, I finally made it.  I used this as an excuse to not go to the hospital.  "Hey, look at me!" I thought.  "I'm doing great!  


I staggered out of the bathroom and toward my friends.  I remember my limbs making all sorts of spastic movements as I tried to glide along and look like nothing was wrong.  I ran into the wall and ricocheted off into the other wall.   It felt like I was competing against my need to go to the hospital:  if I could stay upright, it meant I was fine and goddamn it, I was not about to lose that game and give up the entirety my newfound income just to make sure I wasn't dying.  

I finally made it back to the bar and collapsed onto it.  That's when I lost the game and decided to go to the hospital because I was legitimately scared of dying.  That's also where things get hazy again.  I remember the next 20 minutes in little clips.  There's me lying face down in a puddle on the bar, blowing little bubbles in it while trying to breathe.  Then I'm being carried out of the bar.  Then I'm being driven to the hospital.  I was breathing really fast; I remember that because once we got to the hospital, the intake nurse kept yelling at me to slow down my breathing and I couldn't.  My entire body was shaking convulsively and I felt more cold than I have ever felt in my life.  My blood pressure was 70/35.  When I caught a glimpse of those little numbers on the screen, I immediately regretted ever knowing anything about medicine because my knowledge only contributed to making me feel positive that I was going to die.  "Well," I thought, "this is it.  My last words are going to be 'fuck you, I can't breathe any slower!'"  It was all very dramatic.  

 

As is often the case with medical emergencies, it was not immediately apparent what was wrong with me, so the doctor called for tests. Lots and lots of tests.  

Blood samples are easy because they are passive.  You just lie there and let the nurses stick needles in you until they are done.  But urine tests require your active participation.  When you are in the throes of death like I was, providing a urine specimen is a veritable quest.  I could have rewritten The Iliad about my experience peeing into a cup.  

I was still having a lot of trouble maintaining consciousness, so the doctor had to supervise me in the restroom.   

I knew I had reached a pretty low point in my life.  There I was, halfway unconscious on a toilet; trying my hardest to pee into a tiny plastic cup and not on my own hand or the floor.  It sounds like a very simple goal to accomplish, but it isn't. I was crying quietly and drooling on myself.  I didn't even care that a stranger was standing there watching the whole pathetic situation. In that moment, I had no dignity.


Despite my herculean efforts, the urine test didn't tell them anything.  The blood test showed a slightly high white blood cell count, but other than that, it was normal.  The only thing that even hinted at what could be wrong with me was my heart.  After looking at my EKG, the doctor was like "Your heart is being weird." And I was like "Why is it doing that?"  And the doctor was all "I don't know."  

Four hours later, I wasn't dead and the doctors still couldn't figure out what was going on, so they sent me home.    

As I'm sure is the case with many of you, I walk that thin line between hypochondriac and a normal level of concern about my health.  So when I go through a terrifying medical saga only to come out the other side with a tentative diagnosis of "weird heart," I panic a little.  

The past week has basically just been a string of moments in which I feel almost positive that I'm going to die.  



I still don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm definitely not dead and I'm feeling a lot better, so that's good.  

546 comments:

  1. Yay for being not dead! I'm really glad you're feeling better!

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  2. hahah best post ever allie i laughed so hard at the bear fasion post! Great job. I hope you the fuck better.

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  3. Brilliant. I hope you feel Alot better.

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  4. awwwww, that's pretty much one of the suckiest weeks ever!

    pretty damn glad you aren't dead, and yeah, doctors in general pretty much suck at their jobs these days.

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  5. If you died, I don't know what I'd do!

    Please don't die!

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  6. I'm glad that you're not dead, because your posts entertain me and I'd be sad if they stopped.

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  7. glad you are feeling better, and btw you are hilarious. PSA: when you have a fever, you should take tylenol, not asprin. (i know not the point, but the nurse in me can't help but tell you)

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  8. I was waiting for the next blog, as a new groupie. This one made my day!

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  9. XD I nearly died laughing again!
    My girlfriend told me the bear fashion is bad for my brain, you wouldn't kill my brain, would you Allie?

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  10. Um, what the hell. You're amazing.

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  11. Ebola-AIDS is a serious issue, and I'm glad you avoided that diagnosis!

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  12. Feel better soon! Weird hearts are no fun at all!

    Susie
    www.motherhoot.blogspot.com

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  13. Wow that was scary, I'm glad you're ok!!

    I also am feeling rather guilty for laughing my ass off at the pictures in this post, which my brain translates to laughing at YOU being sick, which is not at all true. I think I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you.

    TELL ME YOU'RE LAUGHING TOO!!!

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  14. maybe theyll send you this thingy with like circles that glue to your body and head for an entire day so they can track your heart if its being weird.

    they did that to a friend (wich btw drank a lot and had a bad sleeping schedule and eat wrong food)

    but now hes ok

    i guess you should stop the hobo way of living hihihihi

    cheers

    Lupi

    excuse the poor english its not my native language :3

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  15. peeing on/in things is a lot harder than it looks.

    seriously.

    (glad you're not dead! xoxo)

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  16. This is like my struggle vs. my wisdom teeth only much more extreme.

    Wisdom Tooth: Here I am! I'ma hurtcha!
    Me: ow Ow OW OW OW OW OW my god i need to see an oral surgeon RIGHT FUCKING NOW

    (buys out the entire stock of off-brand Orajel at Walgreen's)
    (numbs tooth until pain subsides)

    me: oh. i guess i'm fine now.

    The cycle repeats about every four months. I haven't been to the dentist since high school. (I'm 25.) I'm terrified of their JUDGEMENT.

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  17. "I'm sorry you went through that horrible ordeal.

    But damn, you sure make it fun to read about!"

    LOL

    poor thing, im sure youll be fine

    hugs

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  18. Isn't that whole scenario what normally happens when you turn into a zombie?

    Are you sure you're not dead?

    Zombies can still draw. I'm concerned, have you started craving brains? or porridge?

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  19. Poor Allie! That sucks, big time. Glad to hear you are feeling better! I've been seeing your Alot post EVERYWHERE, you've exploded (in a good way, not a blood way.)

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  20. this is the most accurate description of how it feels to be sick i've ever seen!

    also, glad you're not dead.

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  21. Good Lord, Allie!
    I was torn between laughing hysterically and resisting the urge to hug you the whole time I was reading this.
    Having had a similar experience myself (the diagnosis is still "your heart is being a little weird, and it'll probably stay weird, but it's not actually all that abnormal, and after a battery of tests, we've confirmed that you most likely probably won't die"), I kind of know how you feel.
    Take care of yourself and get rid of that fever though, chica. I'm glad you're feeling better. Eat well. Sleep. Be happy.
    Love,
    Stormy

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  22. I especially like the teeth in the brain tumor picture.

    I am also glad you're not dead. I wouldn't have been really upset because I JUST found your blog and to have it be taken away from me would have been awful.

    Although I am working my way back through the archives laughing like a tool and annoying my boyfriend.

    I read him the letter to Cosmo and couldn't even say sexplosive diarrhea because I was laughing too hard.

    So... I think what I mean to say is thank you for not being dead.

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  23. yay!
    i'm glad you're not dead.
    i TOTALLY know the feelings you speak of.
    THEY SUCK!
    blood pressure was SUPER low and i'm pretty sure i would have thought i was dying too!
    some type of infection for sure.... i wonder what the hell was wrong with your heart and why they didn't do anymore tests to figure it out???
    can you apply for some emergencey medical insurance for the hospital stay? i bet there's something out there.... i hope it all works out and that the heart stops acting up!!!!

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  24. Yay for not being dead!
    Are you sure someone didn't put rohypnol in your tea? Maybe that docter. They did watch you pee...

    Also, I think there is something wrong with your equation. You can't have root negative 1 time ghost times sad cat. Maybe if you turned the ghost into a tree. If you wanted to keep the ghost however, you would probably have to do some crazy complicated para-normal-metric (seewhatididthar?) equations.

    Anywho, you're great Allie!

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  25. I'm still trying to reconcile: bp 70/35 and your heart is acting weird with sent home. I am very happy you aren't dead though. :)

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  26. I can easily forget that I have hypochondriac tendencies until I read about medical issues or listen to people recount tales of their illnesses. So thanks, Allie. Now I'm wondering if my neck position while typing on a laptop is normal or if I could possibly have some sort of carpel tunnel-like thing (just for necks of course) because I have a laptop and occasionally experience neck pain.

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  27. I should very much like to paste the final picture (I'm not dead) on my work computer so when they find me twitching after conference call number 12 (before ten am), they can rest assured that I shall indeed survive. Mostly.

    Because your magnificence is vastly greater than the worth of my life, may I offer you my heart? A transplant might do wonders and then you can order proper drinks again at the bar...

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  28. You and I are not very much alike, it turns out. If I woke up passed out on a barroom bathroom floor, my first thought would NOT be, "I'm dying." My first thought would be, "Oh shit, MY FACE IS ON THE FLOOR OF A BARROOM BATHROOM FLOOR." Gross.

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  29. <----is very happy you're not dead. My laughter muscles are also happy, as they have not been worked very hard in the last week.

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  30. Last march I didn't have insurance (my insurance had LITERALLY ended the day before) and had some freaky lady shit going on. I went to student health (still a student then) and they gave me an antibiotic that I had a 5% chance on being allergic to. They made me sit there and when nothing happened sent me home. The second I walked out of the building I started shaking... I continued to walk home and get in bed. When this didn't work I took a shower, and proceeded to vomit. I had 104 temp and made my friends cab me to the hospital (3 blocks away). Where I got every test on the planet only to be told that it wasn't an allergic reaction but they didn't know what it was. All I got was a $3000 bill that I JUST finished paying off.

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  31. I'm positively sure that the virtual enchiladas that I posted in your wall the next day of your hospital visit made you feel much much better!!
    Glad you are alive Allie!

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  32. Glad you are feeling a bit better :) I loved the bear fashion piece, made me laugh so hard!

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  33. I feel bad for a few reasons.

    1. I laughed.
    2. I laughed very hard at your expense.
    3. I laughed so hard that I needed to pee.
    4. I was able to pee by myself.

    So in summary. Sorry you're sick. I know how it feels to have something wrong with you and just not know.

    Sincerely,

    Fellow Over Reactor
    Aka: Your Pal Jia

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  34. Loved, "Et tu, Brute?"

    Brilliant.

    I hope you feel 100% better soon. :)

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  35. I was just laughing hysterically at the depiction of you trying to pee into a cup while supervised. Then had to try and explain what I was reading to the co-workers surrounding me at this conference. I hope they think I'm into reading things about urine now.

    I hope more that you didn't have to pay a whole bunch of money to find out you're not dying. I feel you on the poor (intern + grad student= all income to institution= SAD).

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  36. am v glad you're not dead. also: i know what uninsured medical bills do -- and seriously, good luck.

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  37. Maybe you could dedicate the profits from whatever t-shirt designs come out of this post towards getting some health insurance?

    Glad you're feeling better!

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  38. I'm glad you're not dead. (Dead would suck.) *Get well soon*

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  39. ok, besides being a hysterical post =), i am so happy you are feeling better. now...i have a bit of hypochondriac in me in addition to being in school for health librarianship. basically, we play "House MD" in class and look up symptoms to diagnose people. if you want our class to do this, just email me your symptoms and we would be happy to help out. i would check your blood sugar. is it possible you have diabetes? that could have been a low blood sugar crash? you would think that the er would check that, but they are stupid assholes!

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  40. Yay for not dead! Dead = sad. Don't ever be dead.

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  41. Oh God I love you. In a totally platonic girl-on-girl way. I'm glad you aren't dead.

    Now I need to go find some Kleenex to wipe away the tears of laughter and eat my kid's leftover Easter candy to kill the guilt of laughing at your pain until I stopped breathing.

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  42. Wowza... what an ordeal! And, to come out of it not knowing the cause is really freaky. Glad you're feeling alot (sic!) better.

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  43. OMGWTFBBQ! I hate that story! I can scarcely enjoy that you told it so well.

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  44. It's the running. Stop immediately.

    Try eating olives.

    Glad you are OK!!! :)

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  45. haha, that was one of your better ones, your last one was better though

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  46. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time... especially at someone's misfortune! I'm very happy that you survived the ebola-aids, however.

    Thank you for taking the time to write about your "weird heart!"

    YAY LIVING!!! <3

    -Almighty Unicorn
    http://thechurchofalmightyunicorn.blogspot.com

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  47. As a mom, I'm upset on your mom's behalf that you didn't go to the hospital before you collapsed in the bathroom with the poopX4 graffiti. As a follower, I love this post. I'm almost happy that this happened just so that you could blog about it. And that makes me feel like a bad person. I'm a conflicted chicken. Glad you are feeling better, though.

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  48. P.S. I think you should try going to see Dr. House. Oh wait... =[

    -Almighty Unicorn
    http://thechurchofalmightyunicorn.blogspot.com

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  49. Hey, it was nice to see you wearing something other than the pink dress, even if it was a hospital gown.

    Is it weird that I was hoping to get a glimpse from the back while you were wearing the hospital gown?

    Yeah. It's definitely weird.

    Glad you're feeling better. Keep sending the overflow from here my way. ;)

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  50. oh my god....you nearly gave me a heart attack from laughing....maybe your alot had a nasty disease?

    get well soon :)

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  51. Um, excuse me Allie, but you are not allowed to die. I only just discovered you, and still need to make plans so I can come over to Yankland, stalk you, drug you, brainwash you, whatever it takes to make you mine.

    So get better, or I shall... hmmm... I'm not good at threats to dead people, so just get better.

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  52. I'm so happy you're not dead, I don't think dead Allie would be nearly as much fun.

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  53. I'm so relieved that you're not dead. Glad you're okay. I think Alot has something to do with you getting sick.

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  54. Yaaaay! Champion of Health!

    I'm pretty sure I would've contracted some crazy disease due to Allie withdrawal had something any worse happened.

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  55. If Allie ever stopped being not dead I believe many of us would die with her. So...uh...don't die. Ever. :)

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  56. So glad you are feeling better!

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  57. I know exactly how you feel. How many times have you checked your pulse to make sure your heart was still beating?

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  58. Ahch! Gaht wahl sahn. Hahp yah dahn't have lahprasah ahr sahmthahn.

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  59. Reminds me of the time I went blind in one eye at work and went to the ER - the doctors didn't know what was wrong but I somehow cured it by wishing hard and drinking water.

    So I didn't pay the bill.

    More pain follows if you don't pay the damn bill, btw.

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  60. That sounds awful! I'm glad you're not dead, though. Stupid doctors. I bet they were GOING to help you and then saw you didn't have insurance and were like "Fuck it, it's just her heart. It's not as important as it thinks, anyway."

    Word on the internet street is that these things are good for your heart: http://www.health-heart.org/goodfood.htm

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  61. I relate to the whole health anxiety thing; ironically your heart starts thumping when you're anxious, too, so there's a fine line between worrying about your heart and actually having it send you into a panic attack. Bummer about the whole thing. I hope you feel all better soon.

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  62. Interesting imaginary kitten-ghost term in the denominator for that thermo-dynamic conversion; I never realized temperature of a material is a function of such interesting properties, I lol’d a lot at that one.

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  63. I definitely have troubles with urine tests even when I'm perfectly healthy. Peeing in a cup is not an easy task. Or maybe that's just me.

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  64. hello dear girl, please get temporary health insurance. i got mine through assurant. i'm looking forward to working with you on some badass advertising, over the phone mind you , b/c clearly you have malaria scleroderma virus.

    best,
    claire
    sweetpotato software

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  65. I had a similar experience last year. I was out with my friend one night when I was overcome by left-side chest pain, the kind that feels like you're being stuck with a rusty nail and you can't pull it out. It came on mid-sentence, and I just collapsed in a chair and went completely pale. Left-side chest pain = death, right? I was obviously having a heart attack.

    After 30 minutes I still wasn't dead. I wasn't even unconscious. But my chest felt like I had a dry towel stuck in my left lung, and my chest wall was shaking from my nervous heart. I tried to take some deep breaths, I went home, and tried to sleep. No position made it go away, but eventually I somehow slept. When it wasn't gone the next day, it was time to go to the hospital.

    My pulse was ridiculously fast, but nothing was wrong with my EKG. Like you, I was watching the screen and hating that I had just taken physiology and endocrinology the previous semester, and kept pointing out various signs that my death was imminent. At one point, the hospital business associate came in to ask me if I had a place of worship and a living will. I gave them as much depressed sarcasm as I could.

    After a few hours of chest x-rays and blood tests, they had no idea what was wrong with me, and sent me home.

    For the following eight months, I too experienced the elevation of *itch* --> CARDIOMYOPATHY?! while I got more x-rays, CT scans, EKGs, and blood tests.

    Here's the anti-climactic part: I got referred to a gastroenterologist. He did an endoscopy and found inflammation of my stomach lining, and also found that my stomach was contracting at a rate of once every three minutes. Normally, it should contract three times every minute. They did a ridiculously boring test where I ate some radioactive eggs then laid under an X-ray screen for an hour and a half while watching Jurassic Park 2. (Tech: "You can watch Jurassic Park if you want." Me: "OMG YES!!JHRK!R!J!LJL!" Tech: "It's Jurassic Park 2." Me: "Oh.")

    Diagnosis: slow stomach. Idiopathic gastroparesis. I take Canadian drugs now.

    Anyway, your WBCs were high, you're feeling better, looks like you fought it off. Good job. If you're still feeling self-diagnostic, and you want to sound really smart while you tell others about your tragic disease, check out the Merck Manual.

    Holy shit, that was long.

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  66. Awww hope you get better!! =( you should go to mexico and get checked out there for almost nothing! Double bonus and eat churros and burritos! Now were talking!! lol

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  67. Allie! I totally feel you on the supervised peeing thing. Awhile back I was in the hospital for a week, and they wouldn't let me get out of my bed unsupervised, which of course means no unsupervised bathroom trips! I even needed help one or two times, not fun!

    I was getting very worried about your non-dead-ness. Thanks for confirming your continued existence!

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  68. I'm glad you aren't dead. Keep up the great work. :)

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  69. Ok, so I noticed a lot of people said "Hope you don't die because I like your posts" and that's selfish. They're hoping you don't die for their own benefit. I hope you don't die because you are a young, healthy person with a great boyfriend in the prime of her life and it would be tragic if you died, so don't die ok. You have a lot to live for.

    And Alot to live for.

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  70. Stephanie ~ MeowrawrApril 20, 2010 at 4:46 PM

    Yay for not dying! That really sucks that they couldn't find out what was wrong with you and such. At least you're feeling better, which is what matters.

    ...Somehow this post has also given me a glimpse into my future. Not with the dying and all, but with the sticking half-dead people with needles and forcing them to pee sense.

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  71. omg. that was one hell of a story.

    i so flippin happy you lived to tell the tale.

    feel better, sweets!

    <3333

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  72. My brother in law has wolff parkinsons white syndrome, which has something to do with your heart and is really rare. You might ask your doctor to look into that!
    Glad you're okay!

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  73. If something did happen, (god forbid) what would we ever do without you? All of us love you (not in the creepy way) and we are really glad you are not dead!

    My dad had walking pneumonia last week and swore on his life that he was dying slowly, (he wasn't) Do you think that's what you had?

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  74. I'm willing to bet you'll never find out what's wrong with you xD
    But glad you're feeling better!

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  75. That was like a funnier cartoon version of House.

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  76. I just found this blog and am so glad that you didn't die, for purely selfish reasons.

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  77. Yay! life.

    Boo for ever having to pee in a cup again. In fact, I'm boycotting peeing in a cup until the medical community comes up with a better, less my-hand-inevitably-gets-peed-on method.

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  78. Only YOU can have a near death experience and still be able to make a joke about it! lol

    Anyway, as funny as this was to read, it sounds very scary! Hope you feel better and all is well with your heart!

    -Juliette WhereForArtThouRomeo

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  79. Well, yay for not dying! And yay for managing to pee in a cup when all you want to do is sleep. Or drool.

    You know, this eerily reminds me of when I was having neurological trouble (yes. the brain sort.) and it's amazing how similar the general feelings are.

    Even if I wasn't running a temp of 105.

    I really wish I blogged back then. Oh, how the times have changed, though in no way is my blogging as epic as yours.

    Epic.

    I am neurologically properly working now.

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  80. So glad you're feeling better! I've had bronchitis for the past few days and that has been lovely. My cat showed his sympathy by peeing on me as I slept soundly in bed.

    At least nothing peed on you!

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  81. I'm super happy you're not dead :)

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  82. You are quite possibly the only person who can make a terrifying, near-death experience utterly hilarious. I'm so glad you're feeling better! Hopefully you get a diagnosis more concrete than "weird heart" fairly quickly.

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  83. I really love PhiRatE's theory about you now being a zombie. Dead Allie is most definitely not fun, but zombie Allie sounds awesome.

    Glad you're ok(ish) now!

    Kirsten <3

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  84. I've come to the conclusion that the pee-cup-test doesn't actually do anything. Besides confirm that your kidneys and bladders are working.

    They usually end up needing to do blood tests anyways, so I'm starting to think it would be easier for everyone if they just skipped the pee and jumped straight to bleeding in a cup.

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  85. OMG, i was so worried for you. when you got dizzy, i got dizzy. when you passed out, i passed out. when the doctor watched you pee- was he a hot doc? those are the best.

    i am so happy you are feeling better and blogging about this season's bearwear. i will buy eggplant stripes and think of you.

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  86. Also,I'm interested to know what this rates on your Pain Rating Scale. It sounds like the whole experience might fall somewhere between 11 and Too Serious for Numbers (but let's seriously hope it doesn't come to Ebola Aids).

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  87. I am very relieved that you're not dead! I've only known your blog for a few weeks and I'd miss you terribly had you actually died.

    And now maybe you should consider adding a few more ads to pay of your hospital visit. I'm sure they charge ridiculous amounts for watching you pee into a tiny cup.

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  88. Yay for your non deadness :)

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  89. I'm glad you are alive! You are my favorite internet person ever!

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  90. good for you not dying! i once passed out at work for no reason what so ever. i was just ringing someone up at the outlet store i work at and BAM hit the ground. my last conscious thought was the customer sneering out "is there something wrong with her?" sigh.

    also wil wheaton tweeted about you. i assume you know this? and realize how awesome that is? you know, wesley crusher, recent guest star on the big bang theory. ten gold stars getting famous.

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  91. It's 8.30am in Adelaide, South Australia, and I've woken up feeling dreadful, and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT. I'VE CAUGHT IT...sniffle, cough...

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  92. Wow. You draw how I think and that's scary for both of us.

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  93. Not being dead = awesome!

    Seriously, though, that sounds exactly like something that happened to me when I was 21. I was never diagnosed with anything, even after the hospital visit - but I swear to this day, after researching it, that it was a "silent" heart attack. I don't mean to push you over the line you're toeing into full-blown hypochondriac territory, but ... Google it.

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  94. I was wheezing. Wheezing.

    So happy you're not dead, though.

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  95. Thanks to your previous posts, I read this:

    "punched by someone who is really enthusiastic about punching and therefore punches a lot."

    as this:

    "punched by someone who is really enthusiastic about punching and therefore punches alot."

    And then I felt bad for the Alot who gets punched. A lot.

    And I felt bad for you too even though I laughed ... a lot.

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  96. I laughed so hard at this because it's all too familiar. The illustration of what your week was like is basically me every day.

    I think you would enjoy the "yes, you're probably dying" wheel and the "The Complete Manual of Things that Might Kill You"

    xo

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  97. The mom in me wants to hug you and tell you to get rest and lots of fluids. The crazy in me wants to just laugh hysterically, but with you, not at you.

    Feel better.

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  98. From reading the comments: Two or three or so are contemplating a suicide pact if you ever pass on. Several are doctors. Other are happy for your continued existence based on blog posts.

    I'm also glad you're okay. I know the whole no death plzthx thing. My brother came down with soemthing while he was living here. I suddenly got it and it came with a sore throat, coughing, runny nose, fevor, chills, dizziness, and some other stuff. Luckily I'm good with web md and figured it was a common cold by myself but freaked out every five seconds with: but what if it's H1N1? What if it's the flu? What if it's strep and I have to have my tonsils removed? What if it gets worse?

    Of course, walmart=no insurance+no income. I sure as hell wasn't going to go to some doctor, I'd wait it out, my brother was a litmus test to how I would feel two days later.

    On the peeing in a cup: when I started for walmart we had to do the pee in the cup drug test. Luckily I wasn't sick at the time but I'm a short legged person. for some unbeknownst reason they had the toilet on a platform. To the ponit I would have had to have a stepstool to get on it. Talk about embarrasing. And they have to keep a close eye on you to make sure you're not putting some drug-disolving stuff in your pee test or sneaking in someone else's pee.

    Genuinely glad to see your alive. :)

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  99. I am SO THRILLED that you are not dead.
    If you still don't have insurance when I finish med school I will be your doctor for free if you want. If you do have insurance I will gladly accept it. If you want.
    Let's face it, I kind of owe you one; you make me laugh my ass off which maintains my sanity for completing school.
    Hope you keep feeling better and the hypochondriac paranoia wears off soon! (Don't feel weird about that, everyone does it and every section I become totally convinced that I have something wrong with me that we studied. For example, GI was last section, and I still can't shake the belief that I have contracted intestinal parasites. Probably rare African ones and I'll need special drugs for the CDC's stock pile to get rid of them. And I haven't nearly died recently. Or been to Africa ever. I think you should've said "Your mom's weird" to that ER doc.)
    I'm obsessed with you in a nice, non-stalker way, just fyi! :)

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  100. First time commenting (yes you are super creepy!) but just wanted to say I, too, have gone to the hospital and have had the doctors tell me my heart is just being weird. They sent me away and told me to only worry about it if it happens again (my heart beat jumped to 200+ beats per minute for like 5 minutes then went back to normal).

    This was five years ago and I'm still kicking around, so I've just determined that hearts are weird but that adults neglect to tell us these things as we're growing up. Hope my story reassures you somewhat!

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  101. Gah, that sounds terrible. Take care of yourself. I'm no doctor, and I tried looking stuff up on wiki, but there's too much there. Regardless, I think the best thing to do is not over-strain yourself, eat well and sleep well... If you can.

    Take care.

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  102. Not dead is always better than dead. But Alot is better than everything.

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  103. ALLIE! You totally had the same sickness I had. Only mine had a throat thing with it and they had to give me SUPER ANTIBIOTICS. But the fever and the sudden nausea and the hospitals and the heart and not knowing what was wrong... I JUST HAD THAT FOR TWO WEEKS. Maybe we are the first two victims of EPIDEMIC. Maybe we just had swine flu.

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  104. And here I just figured you had writers block. I'm glad you aren't dead. I hope you continue to be not dead.

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  105. I never thought a near-death hospital story would have me laughing out loud, but you, my friend, have changed that completely.

    P.S. I'm glad you are feeling better. Don't die. Please.

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  106. ...what if you're dead, and you're imagining writing this, and imagining all of these comments? OR what if we're all dead, and you're talking to us like some ghost whisperer?

    But if you're not dead or we're not dead, then I'm glad you're feeling better. The world is glad, actually.

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  107. Hang in there! The world needs your blog.

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  108. It's a really good thing that it's impossible to feel both horribly ill and mortified at the indignity of not being able to pee into a cup on command whilst being watched by a stranger. I think that was a just and fair thing God did for sick people, made an "embarrassment light switch" that automatically turns off when one reaches utmost of sickness. He gets a gold star and so do you for surviving your ordeal and then being so generous and writing/drawing a funny post for us, your loyal readers.

    I knew you must have been really ill or you actually did win the internet and decided to buy an island and go live in the splendor of the super rich, owning lemurs and white tigers and shit.

    White tigers are dangerous, even though their cute so it's better you were just really ill. Glad you're better. Have an apple, I heard it keeps the doctor away. :o)

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  109. Allie,

    I'm glad you did not die and that you do not have Ebola Aids. Perhaps listening to "Midnight Train" by Journey will help you recover.

    I experienced a midnight train once but it is NOT what I expected - it involved less "believing" and more lube.

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  110. I am so glad you are not dead! I was creepily stalking you on facebook to ensure that you were alive!

    I was really concerned for you and for this blog (I know, I'm sensitive like that) and concerned that if you died and thus the blog died, I would never laugh again.

    You are my sunshine, Allie. I need you to LIVE!

    <3

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  111. Glad you're alive! I've definitely done that thing where I attempt to look better than I actually feel just in order to go out with friends.

    Also -- a new follower! Linked from Cleolinda last week after your Alot post. Just wanted to let you know that your blog was fantastic in putting off one of my papers due this week; it made for a hilarious commute this weekend. :)

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  112. I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned that I haven't grown since 7th grade, therefore I am still 5'3. I also had a blood test.

    ...I guess your story is a LITTLE more dramatic.

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  113. Sounds terrible, I'm glad to hear your doing better and didn't have Ebola AIDS.

    Ebola AIDS would be bad.

    The following zombification would probably suck too.

    It's a testament to how awesome your blog is that you managed to pull humor out of the situation.

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  114. It has taken me a couple of weeks, but since discovering your blog I have now back-read EVERY. SINGLE. POST. including the secret Bside. You're welcome :)

    Also, glad you're not dead!

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  115. Oh Allie, I am so glad you are not dead! It would've been awkward if I started reading your blog, and felt like I was getting to know you, only to find out you had actually died in the time between your last post and when I started reading.

    Hope your heart stops being weird and continue feeling fine and dandy!

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  116. Ok, the picture of you on the toilet with the drool and pee cup totally owns me.

    I'm so glad you're not dead. If you were dead, you wouldn't have written this post, and I wouldn't have laughed.

    So, thanks for not dying.

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  117. Dear Allie,

    I was literally wondering if you were dead because you hadn't posted THIS WHOLE WEEK, and then I got on and your title was like a revelation exactly for me. Thank you for reading my mind and responding to its panicked cries.

    Secondly, I swear this exact same thing happened to me last week. They made me stay on an IV for 8 hours while pumping two bags of saltwater into my blood and then said, "Your heart's weird" and sent me home.

    Doctors suck. Let's kill them all.

    Love,
    Lizzy

    PS-I'm excellent with a 9mm semi-automatic pistol.

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  118. I hope you don't die. You're really funny for a dying person, and I don't want you to die before achieving your goal of being the best on the internet. LIVE ON!

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  119. You sure the bartender didn't spike your raspberry tea?

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  120. You'll never know how glad I am that you are not, in fact, dead.

    I'm sorry and know this must be terrible. As a fellow hypochondriac, I can only imagine your terror. Feel better soon, and don't let Ebola AIDS scare you. I heard you can only get that in Alabama.

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  121. Ugh, I know what this is like. Same thing when I ended up in the hospital for a gallbladder attack... liver enzymes out of whack, pancreatitis, etc... I kept nearly passing out on the toilet. In those moments, you just don't have the energy to worry about being an embarrassing wreck.

    I'm glad you're feeling better, and I hope whatever happened is totally gone!

    Oh and your blog rocks, but you've probably noticed that we all think that by now.

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  122. please continue to not be dead. kthxbai!

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  123. I know I'm going to sound like a dick, but did you eat any Splenda? I actually have heart palpitations and labored breathing and all sorts of crazy unpleasant ish when I accidentally eat some. :/

    I'm glad you remain not dead!

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  124. You're like the unicorns in Harry Potter... you just can't die. It's a rule.

    Go ahead, check up on it.

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  125. ...and this is why we needed health care reform.

    p.s. I'm glad you are not dead. Please try to maintain that condition.

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  126. New fan here, totally in love with your blog. Please put that "Why is this happening to me?" picture on a T-shirt or mug. It is pure awesome and so expresses how I feel 90% of the time.

    Found your blog through seehere.blogspot.com, which included your Alot post. I will write and thank them.

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  127. Thank sharkbears you're still alive.

    The world would have been a sadder and less colorful place without you in it.

    P.S. Where the FUCK was Duncan while you were dying?

    P.S.S. We should have a blog-a-thon to help raise money for you to pay the bill when it comes.

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  128. Holy Hell, Allie...I know exactly how you feel. I have a serious case of White-Coat Fever, and am always terrified of going to the doctor. Probably doesn't help that I'm morbidy obese and am pretty sure that when I finally DO get around to going, he's going to tell me I have cancerousbreastdiabetestypeebola or something exotic like that and that I have 4 days left to live. Any adice for a fellow hypochondriac? :) On the flip side, glad to hear you are doing better & are on the mend!

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  129. Strangely enough I had a similar experience a while back. I had a fever and I was hanging around at a bar with friends. A buddy turned to me and said, "Andy, you look like ass, get to the hospital." Upon getting to the hospital I was given a bunch of tests and turned out I had Mono and I had a fever of 102.

    Ick.

    http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/

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  130. I didn't even care that a stranger was standing there watching the whole pathetic situation. In that moment, I had no dignity.

    I know exactly how that feels and my heart goes out to you.

    I felt pretty terrible for laughing through this post.

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  131. I'm a new reader... and very glad you're feeling better, you're not allowed to die until I wring every last bit of enjoyment out of your blog. :)

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  132. I haven't been reading your blog for very long but I freaking love it. I hope you get better soon Allie. Although at least you can tell people you have "a bum ticker", which I rather like the sound of.

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  133. As I find myself sitting here, having never commented before but kinda thinking that maybe you're my soulmate and wearing the "YAAAAAY" exploding with rainbows shirt that just came in the mail today, thinking 1) I'm really, really glad you're not dead also 2) the "Yay, I'm not dead" Allie picture at the end of this post should totally be your next t-shirt, I give you my word I will buy one. I've requested your friendship on facebook, I feel kind of bad that I didn't write a personal message to go along with it... I was going to, I wanted to write you're funny as shit, but then I was thinking, man shit can be pretty unfunny at times, and I didn't want you to misconstrue it as an insult, so I wimped out and wrote nothing. Anyways, so what do you think about giraffes? Your blog rocks, and I will definately never lok at geese the same way.

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  134. oh no that's terrible. I have found that ER doctors tend to be like that. Order lots of tests that only serve to rule out everything and then when they can't think of anything more to do to you they send you home. Sounds like it was just a really nasty virus.
    Feel better, and keep doodling. :D

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  135. I'm very glad you aren't dead. In other news, being able to pee in a cup while in the throes of death is amazing...this weekend I was stranded on the side of the road at night and had to pee really bad. Since there were cars driving by, I didn't want to pop a squat on the side of the road, so I decided to pee in a cup in my car...yeah, I peed all over myself and my car. Not fun. Not fun at all. Hope you feel better.
    Love, Kat

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  136. First off, I'm glad you're feeling better. Any follow-up appts with a cardiologist on the horizon? I'm with you on the headache = tumor.

    Second,after having been forced to pee in a cup for every prenatal visit, I decided that peeing in a cup should be a womens' Olympic event. I think in your state, you would have taken home the gold, girl.

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  137. This post made me giggle a lot, as all of your posts do, but your experience sounds awful. I sure hope you -stay- okay.

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  138. Hope you get well soon! Infact I know you will get well soon!

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  139. Dear, sweet baby Jesus, that's really scary.

    As funny as you make it ... this actually makes me feel very concerned for you.

    Can we help you commit insurance fraud, so you can get some follow-up care?

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  140. good lord!

    I'm trying to get over this wretched chest cold which has mostly left except for a hacking, awful cough that won't stop, and then I start reading your post, and I start laughing and laughing which then turns to coughing horribly while laughing, until I feel like I'm going to puke, and then I start running out of air, but I can't stop laughing/coughing/almost puking....

    Yeah, so I almost died, too, as a result of whatever it was you had. Get better! Sounds like the Martian Death Flu that I had a long time ago. It didn't quite kill me, so I guess it must have made me stronger. Hope you got stronger, too.

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  141. I am so happy that you are not dead and also feeling better. Good job!

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  142. Holy spaghetti noodles I'm glad you're okay. That was one dramatic week, yo!

    I enjoyed your bear fashion thing as well bee tee dubs.

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  143. Awesome you are not dead!!! Was getting scared bc you hadn't updated ur blog.

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  144. Being not-dead is super awesome and probably preferable to being dead. Congratulations on beating whatever craziness was attacking your body!

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  145. 1. I'm glad you're not dead.
    2. I love your blog. I found it when you wrote about The Alot. And I like the Alot a lot. It makes my day better.
    3. I hope you feel better soon, and that the doctors give you a better diagnosis than weird heart.
    4. Weird Heart could be a new movie, along the lines of Braveheart. Picture it: You, played by Reese Witherspoon, crumpled up in a toilet stall with the poop graffiti over your head. Saved by a doctor, played by Matthew McConaughey, who kind of gets a little smirky when he has to watch you try to pee in a cup.

    It's got potential; don't you think?

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  146. I'm very happy you are not dead!!!

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  147. But did they ask you to rate your pain?

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  148. I tried SO hard not to laugh while reading your post, but mostly because I can TOTALLY relate!
    Your blog is awesome, I'm glad you're not dead. Who would rule the internet if you died?
    BTW, I recently discovered that at some point in our adult lives we have to accept the fact that a medical doctor's job is about 80% guess work. Scary shit.

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  149. Congratulations on your continuing undeadness.

    Last fall I found out I have some sort of heart weirdness too, but the doc said it basically just feels weird and is not dangerous. So there.

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  150. I know, lame joke already made, but

    http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x199/tatters7/alot.png

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  151. I will be looking forward to your inevitable "I have hospital bills to pay!" fundraiser. I'm sure it will be epic, mostly because hospital bills are. When I went to the ER 'cause I was having trouble breathing, it ended up being more than a semester's tuition. x(

    Did you mention the punch-loving person symptom to the docs at the hospital, btw? I always forget stuff when I'm at the doc; they'll ask what my symptoms are and I'll say, "I'm sick make me better now!" It's not helpful with the diagnostic process.

    Anyway, keep on not dying! :)

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  152. You know, you don't need to go to such extremes like almost dying just for your fans. We like bears and advertisements just as much as near death experiences. :D

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  153. I have been that sick and I'm glad we're both still alive and awesome!

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  154. Hi. I found your blog last week when a friend of mine posted a link to Alot on Facebook. Everyone where I work read it and we all laughed so hard we were crying.

    I was getting worried when you didn't post again. It would have been just my luck to find something awesome and then have it end.

    Anyway, I am very glad you aren't dead and that you are feeling better. Take care of yourself.

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  155. I just wanted to say that I understood the square root of negative one joke, and didn't just laugh at the pictures of you being sick. :D

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  156. YAY for feeling better. And THERE. I did it. I read every single post you've posted. ever. In two days. At the expense of my social life, credibility, and the few lectures I attended today. But it was totally worth it because you're fantastic!

    Thanks for being so awesome. :]

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  157. I was diagnosed with heart weirdness as a teenager, and I immediately forgot what the exact medical name of it was. I was too embarrassed to admit that I forgot what it was, so I went for about 10 years just calling it heart weirdness until I finally grabbed my chart off the door when the doctor was around the corner so that I could go through it and find out what it was called. Then, I could actually look it up and find out what was going on.

    Basically, the Internet told me that my heart is just kind of weird and not to worry about it too much. So, I don't. See- happy endings are possible!

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  158. jesus fucking christ
    please dont die
    <3

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  159. I'm worried now that

    a) you'll get a huge bill, which will lead to

    b) you putting ads on your blog, which will lead to

    c) 162 people coming to your house and kicking you in the face (are you sure this isn't what happened it the first place?).

    Seriously though, glad your not dead.

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  160. Here's to you not being dead! I think I had a nearly identical episode in college altough I was drinking tea at home instead of a bar and was yelled at on the way to the hospital by an EMT because he thought I was on drugs. The doctor told me that coffee is not a substitute for food and by increasing my calories and decreasing my caffeine I could avoid these situations in the future. Perhaps you'll get an equally disappointing diagnosis!

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  161. Damn, dude.

    I hope you feel better.

    I want to cuddle drooly cartoon you. Poor thing.

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  162. Also you should put ads up and now you can be like TO PAY MY HOSPITAL BILL MOTHERFUCKERS.

    Maybe it'll be alot.

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  163. Being dead is almost never a good thing to be.
    Feeling better is almost always a good thing to be.
    Glad the latter is more dominant at this moment! 8D

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  164. I'm glad you're doing better. Being sick is never fun, unless someone makes you homemade chicken noodle soup. Then it's okay :)

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  165. A "weird heart" (who the fuck was this guy? Dr. Giggles?) is not going to give you a fever like that. And I'm assuming that they were able to rule out Sepsis (a blood infection) from your blood work, otherwise, you would've mentioned that detail in your post, no?

    Your heart was likely freaking out BECAUSE you had a fever and BECAUSE you weigh, like, four pounds and you just had CAFFEINE (HELL-O? Tea anyone?).

    So, the lesson to be learned here is: use CLEAN needles when shooting smack. MmmKAY!?

    You're not going to die. At least not from anything heart-related. Today.

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  166. 1. Oh how horrible - I've been there, and it sucks to be that helpless.

    2. There is a shocking paucity of compliments on your math formula here, so, "I really like your math formula."

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  167. I am really, really glad you are not dead.

    I could not handle not having a new grizzly picture to brighten my day.

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  168. I am totally, hopelessly, disturbingly addicted to your blog after "stumbling" across it. LMFAO....I have not laughed that hard in a long time which means that the people in my office think that I am more clinically insane then they did before.... :/

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  169. I just found your blog; don't die!

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  170. I'm really glad that you're feeling better. I've been checking your blog rather compulsively waiting for a new post and now I feel kinda bad being so impatient since you were almost dead and all. I'll try to be a little more patient this time. Happy that you're feeling better though...your blogs are like crack to me :)

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  171. I laughed so hard *I* almost had to pee!

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  172. Excellent reporting. Now please continue to follow up and go to the doctor. The tax payers of the USA will gladly foot the bill, I'm sure. If it's any consolation as you move through your terrifying medical crisis, my baby boy looks great in the Shark bear onsie.

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  173. Feel better, Allie!!

    I have to say, though, the picture of you sitting on the toilet and looking up at the doctor might be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Ever.

    Wishing you the best from texas.

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  174. I have officially never laughed so hard at someone's suffering. I've only just discovered you and I'm already addicted! 2 very enthusiastic thumbs up!

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  175. I'm glad you're not dead :)

    What happened to you sounds a lot like what happened to me when I had an ovarian cyst burst - extremely high fever, difficulty standing, and a complete inability to stay awake for more than 5 minutes. Maybe that's what happened? I apologize if I induce a fit of hypochondria, but if something like that is the case I figure you'd sleep more soundly knowing that it's not AIDSbola or anything like that.

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  176. Dumb bartender!! why do they offer raspberry tea in a bar if no-one's supposed to order it? Go back there and tell him it was the one thing that probably kept your blood pressure high enough that you DIDN'T die and you're so grateful to them that you'll be back every week from now on to order it again and again! and you'll tell all your friends and they'll come too ...
    PS i'm glad you didn't die, keep writing your stories that no-one else has the courage / creativity to tell - heather (australia)

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  177. Yay! Allie isn't dead! My life has meaning again. :)

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  178. definitely glad you didn't kick the oxygen habit... keep up teh funnay!

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  179. Glad you are feeling better. That was a terrifying story.

    I was hit by some food poisoning while at a restaurant/bar once. I too passed out in the bathroom. Once I crawled back to my table packed with my friends I passed out again only to wake up long enough to throw up in numerous empty pint glasses. I hit the floor. The paramedics were called. I kept barfing. People were staring at me in open-mouthed with their hamburgers halfway to their faces.

    That's when I saw him, my ex-husband at the bar with his wife. He might have been smiling...

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  180. Dear Allie,

    I am glad you are not dead.

    Sincerely,

    Bill

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  181. btw Margaret - i have just quit my job with a dentist after less than 2 years, told them i would rather be unemployed (which i have been now for 5-6 weeks) than work for them. They were so f***ing judgmental - "we should judge people by the shoes they wear" (NO you F***ING shouldn't!!) Don't let them intimidate you - march in there, head held high "I'm in pain, you're working in a "caring" profession, just FIX IT arsehole!! or give me a damn good reason why not, and don't empty my bank account and look down your nose at me!" [expand as necessary]
    ps i think the counselling is helping, and i may have another job (NO, NO not for a dentist, NOT AGAIN!!!!) soon ...
    heather

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  182. LOL Allie, I hope you're feeling Alot better. :D

    And to think that you're dead these days! eerrghh stupid meh!

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  183. I for one am very glad you are not among the dead right now Allie. YAY for being alive!

    . . . .Also, am I going to hell for laughing so hard at certain points in this post that I couldn't breathe?

    Yes. Yes I am. Answered my own question there. Oh well - hell sounds a helluva lot more fun anyway. (:

    AND YAY FOR NOT BEING DEAD!

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  184. Oh how I love your posts! I am also super happy that you aren't dead; I was very worried- you went almost a whole week without posting!

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  185. What were your friends's reactions to finding you dead at the bar?

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  186. Oh lord. That sounds like quite the experience.

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  187. Poor Allie. :( I was totally sick too, but not nearly as bad as you. Glad you're feeling better!

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  188. It is awesome to hear you're not dead!

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  189. yeah, I have a "weird heart" too. Only they like to call it "idiosyncratic." WTF. stupid doctors.

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  190. That's how I feel when I'm hungover on tequila.

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  191. The best way to look at it is not having a "Weird Heart", but having "Super Powers"!
    You went through all that crap and you're still alive :D

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  192. Excuse me for double posting, but to all those that don't know, this is what we in the medical field call "The Flu"

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  193. arg that's terrible...
    hope you're feeling better.
    i would seriously cry if you died, you are my favorite blogger EVER and i am not exaggerating.

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I'm super creepy and totally capable of finding you