I Find. *UPDATED*

You know how hawks are really talented at eyesight?  I'm like that except with finding things.  As a child, I was a ferocious Hide-and-go-Seek player.  My reflexes became so sharp, that it was almost as if I could see into the future and anticipate the hiding spots of my classmates.


It was almost unfair.  

My powers have only grown since then, but all gifts come with great responsibility. 


Boyfriend discovered my powers early on when he thought that he lost his wallet but actually it was just on the floor.  Since then, he has grown to depend on me to find his things.   


Yesterday, he was like "Allie, where are my keys?" 

I didn't want to stop playing online bingo, so I was like "I don't know."  

Boyfriend:  "Allie.  Find my keys." 

Me:  "No." 

Boyfriend:  "Yes." 

Me:  "No" 

Boyfriend:  *SUUUUUUUUUUUUPERRRRRRRRR SUUUUUULLLKKKKK!!!!*

Me:  "OKAY!!!!" 

Boyfriend:  "Where are they?" 

Me:  "Have you checked the couch?" 

Boyfriend: "OH MY GOD!! HOW DO YOU DO THAT????" 

Me:  "Shit."

I hate it when I'm right because this only reinforces the cycle of dependency: 


This is a terrible dynamic because what happens if I fall off a boat and hit my head on a log and I go into a coma?  Boyfriend won't be able to find anything and he'll die.  I am not being helpful by letting him depend on me to find things for him.  

You guys, I have to break the cycle.  

I have to hide all of Boyfriend's things and then pretend like I don't know where they are.  

Updates to follow. 

UPDATE:  I hid a bunch of things and when Boyfriend got home, I was all ready to be like "Do you need to brush your teeth?  How about now?  How about now?  But really -  how about now?  Why don't you just brush them now... it'll save you time before bed..." and when he went to go brush his teeth I was going to be like "Oh no... where's your toothbrush?"  But then Boyfriend was all "Meeeeeeeeeeeeh, I feel siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick..." and I  couldn't do it because he is lying on the couch like this: 




71 comments:

Mel said...

Allie, have you seen my wallet?

Gigi said...

Oh Allie - puhleeeeeeeezzzze come live with me! I can't find anything! I'm beginning to think I live in the Bermuda Triangle! I need your super power like you wouldn't believe!

Juliette said...

Oh, man, too funny!

Can you live at my house? I have the opposite superpower of never finding ANYTHING.

Talk about how self-conscious I felt at Easter egg hunts.

WhereForArtThouRomeo

ShineForLife said...

I wish I had finding powers. Or idea-finding powers. Do you ever come up with a great idea when you're going to sleep or eating and can't be bothered to write it down?

Allie said...

Mel - Check you jacket pocket. Also, check all horizontal surfaces.

Gigi - I'm afraid my superpowers are already be maximally used. I'll let you know how my experiment goes, though. If Boyfriend can become self-sufficient, I may have a little more free time to find other's things!

Juliette - I am the reigning Champion of Easter. My little sister would always cry ever year because I found almost all the eggs and she found barely any so my mom tried to hide them better, but that just put me at even more of an advantage.

Tony said...

I wish I could say something clever like, "Allie! I lost my virginity! Help me find it!" But I won't.

However, I'm pretty good at finding things as well. We should have a contest.

Allie said...

ShineForLife - Oh, all the time! I do it when I'm running too. I'll be six miles from home, trying desperately to hold onto the ideas in my head, but no. They always go away.

Allie said...

Tony - I am interested in this contest you speak of. How would we conduct such a competition?

Kayla said...

hahaha, how awesome. i lose stuff all the time cause i have the messiest room in the entire world i think. but you'd probably still know where all my stuff was if you were here for like a day.

"allie, where's my hairspray?" "underneath your bed beside the empty laptop case and your high school binders that you need to throw out."

Lucky Lizard Ranch said...

Hide his things, then go out of town (for a week). Drastic times call for drastic measures.

sarah said...

Wait. You mentioned once that you needed money. Make boyfriend PAY you to find things. Then you will get money and he will learn to find things on his own. EVERYBODY WINS!

Ben said...

Dude - I have to dress Jason every day. I hate myself.

Allie said...

Kayla - I think part of my finding-things training came from living in a messy environment. I have to create a mental map of my surroundings to be able to find anything with any efficiency at all!

Lucky Lizard Ranch - But where will I go? Maybe Florida?

Sarah - You are a master of ingenuity!

Allie said...

Ben - I'm lucky in that Duncan is a pretty self-sufficient dresser. On the odd occasion he loses all of his socks or underwear, I may become involved.

Ink Spiller said...

What if he stops needing your superpowers and you feel all not needed anymore? You'll start hiding his things just to see if he can manage on his own and then, maybe, all of a sudden you're like this codependent couple in therapy and all.

Allie said...

Ink Spiller - Yours is a valid point... but I think I have to do this. I must set Boyfriend free.

Barbara said...

It's the exact opposite at my house! I can never find anything and my boyfriend is always like "hello, it's right in front of your face stupid!"

anon amous said...

so i had to buy my BF a Spiderman lunch box, Lunchables, and Jell-o pudding snack packs so he wouldn't starve at work...even though there's a Mexi-American restaurant next door.

Sustenance-Providing-Ambiguous-Blogget to the rescue.

costumes incarnate said...

Try this: Cover yourself with Vaseline so when he becomes "dependent on you for survival" he slides of, unable to cling to your lovely triangular pink dress - thus breaking the cycle.

JustLinda said...

And then could you come over and help me break the cycle here? You could become a Consultant to Help Women Stop Finding Things!! It would be perfect!

ps: don't have children. just trust me on this.

Leah said...

Can you please share your powers with me, I have the amazing loser powers, not like an actual loser, but one who loses stuff...although sometimes I am a loser...it happens.

Capricorn Cringe said...

If you fell off a log and hit your head and went into a coma, that would really suck. Boyfriend wouldn't be able to find his keys to come visit you.

On the other hand, Tony could paint your fingernails for you.

miss. chief said...

Ahh the super sulk. I use it so often it's become a part of my everyday face.

Mikey said...

Seems to me between Spider Slaying and Things Finding you two have an awesome quid pro quo goin on.

Sarah said...

Hubby is The Finder of Things. That's his official title.
I can't find anything, especially when it's right in front of my face.
I'm pretty sure it's an unidentified learning disability. Those Highlights magazine games in which you're supposed to find what's different about the two pictures? My 3-year-olds are like, "Mommy, it's RIGHT THERE." I've never seen the special picture in a Magic Eye painting. I'm pretty sure it's bullshit anyway.

Simone Says... said...

to break the cycle of dependency, maybe start "finding" really random items during bf appointed searches. you know, plant items that would most likely cause him to question his sanity, i.e. a banana hammock. after of few encounters of 'that's not mine', he'll probably stop asking for help.

MODG said...

F. husband is superfinder and I am supersulker. this is a terrible realization.

Allie said...

won't your boyfriend see that you're about to hide all his stuff?

Kelly said...

I am not a Super Finder like you, yet my husband seems to think I can find anything he loses. He does the Super Sulk when I won't help him look for his missing shoes. (Really, how hard can it be? There are only so many rooms in the house, and there's a really good chance the shoes are on the floor of one of them.) After 11 years, I'm starting to be able to ignore the Super Sulk a little better. :-)

Hippo Brigade said...

I loose stuff all the time, and then I make my husband go find it. It's a super-fun game. Except it's not so fun for him. But I think it secretly makes him feel powerful and amazing, so I keep loosing stuff, because I'm a good wife.

Meat Sweats said...

Your posts make my day. I agree, you have to help him become self sufficient. Give him little treats when he finds something on his own - positive reinforcement

Stormy Cruz said...

Hahahaha... that picture of boyfriend clinging to you is PRICELESS.
I have a similar uncanny ability ...with zippers. I know. Strange. But true. My friends all used to line up beside me at sleepovers when they couldn't get the zippers on their sleeping bags to function properly.
It's a curse.

soft nonsense said...

Can you be hired out for personal finding uses? God knows I could use it...

WannabeVirginia W. said...

you just rock that's all.

Anonymous said...

I fucking love you.

a blount said...

the update picture of Boyfriend looks like he could use a blanket and a hug.

also maybe some probiotics,
it looks like tummy trouble to me.

Andhari said...

I so need someone like you around the house. I seem to misplace my stuff a lot.:p you rock.

Nik said...

this was awesome. i think this is my favorite entry to date. :-)

Nikole said...

Make him throw up and then be like all, "wow, I bet your mouth tastes really bad right now. You probably want to brush your teeth to get rid of that horrible taste and I'm such a nice girlfriend that I'll go get your toothbrush for you." Then he'll be sick AND unable to find his toothbrush. It may sound harsh but I believe that cold turkey is the only way to break dependency, it's all or nothing, baby. If he isn't able handle it under the worst circumstances, he never will be.

Stephanie ~ Meowrawr said...

I feel this has the potential to be a best selling comic book series, Allie.

Jo said...

BEWARE!

This super-finding gene does not pass down to male children. They will get Boyfriend's genes - both the inability to find things, and the propensity to get sick when they have to do something you want them to do.

If you get male children DONT. They will cling to you like limpets. Limpets aren't limp. They stick until they die.

Get robots instead. I think robots would be good at finding things.

arlenetoth said...

I think the behaviour from boyfriend is residual from living with his mom. Mom's are great. They know where everything is. That's why their kids and husbands always ask them where things are, because they know.

I'm a mom, and I should know. I know how you feel. Knowing things can be a burden. Sometimes I used to say, 'where you left them'.

Tough love. We moms need to stop enabling our children and partners.

By the way, when a woman lives with a man, she gets pushed into mom role, even if she doesn't have her own kids yet, because partner becomes surrogate child and our powers come to the force.

It must stop! I really need my own place.

EndlessMemories said...

It sounds like Boyfriend has a super power of his own: his super sulk. It gets you to give in every time, defiantly a mind control thing. =)

Nikoliosis said...

BTW bestfriendallie, I'm going to follow you like a big kid now even though my account is bogus to the hogus.

Love, Nikole

Nikoliosis said...

Apparently I already was and I didn't even know it. Go me.

More Loves, Nikole

Ed said...

I, too, have been blessed/cursed with these powers.

I have been dubbed "The Masterfinder", which has a much better ring then "The Masterbaiter".

I have discovered that my Kryptonite is remote controls.

Actually, anything belonging to me.

puncturedbicycle said...

That's a disability. I too have the Brain Blindness. I can look right at the thing I am searching for and not recognise it as such. Think of yourself as his carer. Feel better now? No?

Moooooog35 said...

Maybe while you're searching for things you can try to find his dignity.

Rebekah said...

i have this talent too, but it only works for finding other people's things. i lose my shit all the time and end up wondering aimlessly through my house mumbling to myself because my power can only be used to benefit others. it's really not fair.

Dyinetch said...

You are more powerful than Batman! ;D

AMBELLINA said...

I'm going to make my husband read this blog. He needs to know how dangerous his dependency on me is. He needs to know that if he keeps depending on me to find everything he could die. Heck, Allie, this is practically a public service announcement. ;)

Chaninn said...

I vote to have the "Yay" picture of Boyfriend & rainbow as a t-shirt. I'd totally buy one!

Alice said...

so you're saying boyfriend still hasn't brushed his teeth?? gross.

Heather said...

My boyfriend is a "loser" too. He lost his keys for 4 days and then realized they were on the hook specifically FOR the keys. Such a loser.

Chl said...

My husband is my finder. I loose everything. When I was a kid and I would leave something important laying around my mother would take it and hide it. You can't do that to Boyfriend. It's mean to f*ck with people like that. He might not actually *DIE* but he would begin to doubt his sanity and probably have a hard time getting to work without those keys.

zachary said...

Greetings from Malaysia!
Found your blog at sassy and followed right away:)
Love your blog:)
Keep up the good work!

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I'm good at finding things, too. Lose the back of an earring somewhere in Person Who Just Got Married's backyard? I've got it. It was in the mulch!

Every time I drop one of the balls to my earrings, I don't even sweat it because it just takes a couple of seconds to spot it.

But when it comes to losing something big of my own, something that should be in plain sight? Can't find it until I'm looking for something else.

Sometimes, this gift is a curse, you know?

Shana said...

My BF does this too. I, however, do not possess your abilities. From now on, I'm going to tell him to call you when he can't find his crap.

maggly1234 said...

I have that too but it's more of a super-awesome-memory. Example
Mom:"Have you seen my blue scrunchy?"

Me: "It's under the right couch cushion next to the half eaten pretzel. I saw it last week while I was looking for the remote."

Mom: "Holy shit!!! How did you remember that!?!?"

Me: "I don't want to brag but I might be the most awesome person ever."

The Recreational Pre-Med said...

Hahaha, bonus points for the Adam West-era-Batman action descriptions.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Wait a sec...is Boyfriend ok?
Hope so.

Jupiter said...

You must be a Hufflepuff! They are especially good finders. (sorry. Major Harry Potter nerd crossing.)

Sonny Amou said...

First time here. Hilarious.

Weirdly, boyfriend in last pic looks like Admiral Akbar, the lobster faced alien of "It's a TRAP!" fame in Return of the Jedi. Or that may just be me.

Chuckles,
SA.

VV said...

Allie! you have no hair in your "boyfriend dependency life cycle" and it totally threw me off!

I have to admit, though, I am a loser of all my shit and could really use your superpowers. Take today for example. I was running late to work and my super awesome and cute 18 month old decided my blackberry was trash. I could have really used you.

Adrianna said...

I don't know you, but I you crack me up, girlfriend. These drawings are genius. Thanks for the laughs.

tee said...

Clearly I need to be less cheap and get a new pair of contacts because I was scrolling through this post in my reader and I could have sworn on everything I know (which is an effing lot, I'll tell you) that the cape on your fancy costume was moving. #freakout. I was all, oh sh*t did she just upgrade to animated .gifs on us??

--T

Christina In Wonderland said...

Well, now that we all know you're superpower, I think we're all going to become dependent on you for our survival.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I have a six-year-old boy and a forty-seven-year-old man-boy in my house and they both use me for my FIND skillz.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Apparently, I too have been stricken with this abnormal seeking sense. Both kids and my husband cannot find a thing, even if it's OBVIOUSLY right there in front of them. Literally. What the hell????

I like your idea about hiding things and not finding them on purpose. I am going to try this as a test and I'll let you know what happens.

Jenny said...

maybe it's just a guy thing, where they lose everything they ever owned. I told my husband I was tired of looking for his lost stuff and wouldn't waste my time on it anymore. Didn't help him be more responsible...

Rosie said...

Lol, I have actually stolen the Super Sulk. It works great on men. :P

But I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one with super find-it powers. We Find-It Females must unite!