Anyway, Boyfriend likes to think that he's being helpful by sending me riddles by email during the day. His logic is that riddles are far more mentally stimulating than a documentary about sea snails.
Today, he sent me this riddle:
"When the day after tomorrow becomes yesterday, the day which would then be today will be as far from Sunday as the day which is yesterday when it's two days after that day's tomorrow... What day of the week was this spoken?"
WHAT PART OF "I CAN'T SUSTAIN A SINGLE TRAIN OF THOUGHT FOR LONGER THAN - IS THAT A MOTORCYCLE??? OMG!! I LOVE MOTORCYCLES!!" DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND???
Anyway, I sent him a threatening email, warning him that he should probably be alert when he first arrives home because I may or may not be lurking in a corner preparing to demonstrate what that riddle made my brain feel like.
I thought I had made myself clear, but apparently I had not, because first he sent me this email:
And then he sent me this email a few minutes later:
In response, I sent him one last warning:
This email was also kind of a sneaky way to test whether or not Boyfriend is a closet pervert. If he sent me another math riddle, I'd know that he had some dildo-skull-raping fetish, and then we might have problems.
I was just starting to feel all relieved that he wasn't a pervert because he hadn't replied back to me with another math riddle, but then he walked through the door. He was like "did you get my last riddle?" He sounded really excited about it. I told him that I had already responded. He said "So did you get the answer?" I told him to check his email. I watched his facial expression change from exuberance, to confusion and finally to worry. He said "You didn't like it?"
Me: "No. Math is bad."
Boyfriend: "But I thought you said that you needed more mental stimulation..."
Me: "I meant like exploding trucks and Dance Dance Revolution."
Boyfriend: "Oh. Well, I -- Hey! Did you eat the rest of the Cadbury Mini Eggs??!"
Me: "Yeah. You left them in the middle of the floor."
Boyfriend: "I was saving them..."
Me: "That's like leaving a dead goat in the middle of a tyrannosaurus's house and expecting it to still be there when you get back."
Boyfriend: "Why would I want my dead goat back?"
Me: "It's a matter of principle."
I don't know why Boyfriend thinks he can be all high and mighty sending me math riddles when he can't even grasp basic logic, like why the Cadbury Mini Eggs were rightfully mine and why you'd want your dead goat back after inadvertently abandoning it near a tyrannosaurus.
56 comments:
No way did you make that last picture in Paint. You have skills.
In a street, there are five houses, painted five different colors. In each house live a person of different nationality. The five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke a different brand of cigarette and keep a different pet.
The Brit [Englishman] lives in the red house.
The Swede has a dog.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house is on the left of the white house.
The owner of the green house drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall has birds.
In the yellow house, they smoke Dunhill.
The man living in the middle house drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blend lives next to the house with cats.
The horseman lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
The German smokes Prince.
The Norwegian lives next door to the blue house.
The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water.
Who has the fish?
Veronica - You better believe it, girlfriend! I'm pretty much an expert at drawing dinosaurs.
mysterg - I see that you wish to be raped in your skull...
P.S. Bring on the skull-raping.
P.P.S. You = Bruce = T-Rex = No goat makes perfect math sense.
@Allie - I hear it is good for your sinuses.
mysterg - You obviously have not read the eye-socket clause... it's ouch-y
I'm not a fan of math riddles, mainly because my attention
*Steps away from computer, wanders around house aimlessly for several minutes, opens fridge several times to see if anything has changed, nothing has changed. Returns to computer
span is slightly below average.
Also, I don't think there are any explosions in math riddles? There very well could be, I don't really have a lot of experience with riddles.
I gave up on the day after the day before the day ten minutes from now riddle after the 100th time "day" came up. What a son of a bitch riddle.
And same with the toast riddle. I am very frustrated right now, and I don't think I'm very unhappy with Boyfriend at the moment.
I'm glad you ate his Cadbury Mini Eggs...
I have a riddle for you. How the hell did you draw that dinosaurus in Paint?
hahahah-wow Boyfriend must have sworn never to send you math riddles again.
It's today.
Wait. No its yesterday.
GOD DAMMIT. *Scull rapes himself*
cute post! I feel bad for boyfriend.. he really should remember to keep the cadbury mini eggs off the floor. obviously.
The toast riddle involves the stacking of two slices and flipping them together.
The day of the week one made me cry a little.
I'm looking around my room for things that would fall into the category of "Things To Occupy Allie" right now. Drumsticks? Thighmaster? Wait...I mean...not Thighmaster...what the hell's a Thighmaster anyhow?? Pfft.
oh the fun it would be to live inside your brain for a day.
and seriously, who REALLY likes riddles?? pointless.
Really????? Boyfriend should feel lucky - because if he'd send me that first riddle he'd be in serious pain after the "When the day after tomorrow becomes....."
Seriously??? I totally lost any and all focus after that.
I think he is torturing you (and us) on purpose. I just can't figure out why....
I LOVE YOUR STICK FIGURES! I have tears streaming down my face from laughing and The Husband is asking what's funny but I can't explain it and he's confused and, hey, how old were those cadburys?
Duncan can toast each side of 2 slices in 1st 30 sec, then toast the other side of one of the two slices which were there at the pan in first 30 secs, and one side of the third slice for the second 30 secs, and finally the remaining couple of sides of the third slice and first slice. so he can toast all 3 slices in 1 and half secs.
hope it makes sense
sorry i and half mins :D
I like that his response to your email was a quizzical, "You didn't like it?" And you can't leave a corner of a dorito crumb in the middle of the floor in my house without it getting gobbled up. Never mind a whole bag of cadbury mini eggs.
Wow, even your paint skills are superior :D
T-Rex: *walks by* Ooh...a dead goat. I wonder who...? *shrugs* NOM NOM NOM
(btw, what was the answer to the first riddle? Because I got saturday...)
Timtimtim - If there were explosions in math riddles, they'd be a lot more popular. P.S. I'm totally inventing exploding math riddles. I'll make a fortune!
Tony - Yet another good reason why all the eggs are belong to me.
Vicki - I was born with the instincts necessary for rad ass dinosaur art. It's a gift.
Nahl - I think he's just letting the tension ferment and then he's going to send me one at exactly the right time where it is maximally humorous. Because humor is like wine and cheese. Sometimes it needs to be aged just right.
Grant - Dangit... you beat me to it. The Challenger was looking forward to penetrating your skull (that's what I call my imaginary strap-on)
Allie - At first I was like "wait... I posted something in my comments section? No way!" But then I remembered that it is totally possible for other people to have the same name as me. And yes, boyfriend should learn to keep his chocolate off the floor if he expects to keep it.
Becky - I just drank about 20 ounces of coffee. I can't tell if it is helping or not, but I bet I could build you a rocketship out of your thigh master and one of your drumsticks.
Kiley - As a simulation, you should watch 2 Fast 2 Furious on fast forward under a strobe light and Queen blasting in the background. I think it would be remarkably similar.
Gigi - I think he does it for the same reason that I used to put beer cans in the microwave - to see what will happen.
qandlequeen - the Cadbury Mini Eggs were of indeterminate age. We had been carrying them around with us on our travels, and I'm not entirely sure where we acquired them in the first place. All I know is that they were chocolate and there weren't very many of them left, so I had to act fast!
Jovial Connoisseur - According to Boyfriend, that is correct! However, I think the most logical answer would be for that stupid mother to get a toaster. Who makes toast in a pan anymore? It's the 21st century!
That tyrannosaurus's face is so eloquent! :-D I love it! He says "hey! That's a dead goat!"
Sam Neill's indignant speculations to the contrary, that T-Rex will eat the hell out of that goat. He doesn't care if it's dead, chained up, or on the (cloven) hoof.
Homemaker Man - Boyfriend is hilarious in his understated way of handling things... and yeah, the floor is no-man's land, which means that it's mine.
ShineForLife - You totally got exactly what I meant with that picture! Oh, and Boyfriend says the answer is Wednesday, but you can't really believe anything he says.
Joe - I'm so excited that I got the expression right! And he will eat the hell out of the goat. Goats are like Cadbury Mini Eggs, but for dinosaurs.
Well, I was going to answer these for you and then you could tell boyfriend the answer and be all, "Take that bitch!" like you did them yourself, but then my brain exploded.
Pretty sure the first one is Today.
And Steamy was right about the second one.
concerning the first riddle,
the day is sunday!
this is trickey because the 'that' in the riddle, refers to the initial day which is spoken of, which also is the final expected answer. but one might also consider that that 'that', is referring to the day which would be today when, "the day after tomorrow becomes yesterday", from the initial day(=expected answer). but there would be no answer if you considet that that that refers to that day. so the answer should be "sunday"!
p.s.
because,
when the day after today +3 should be far from sunday as...
the day which is 2+ "that" day (which is yesterday when its 3+ "that" day)
so if dist =distance from sunday,
dist(D+3) = dist(D+2)
which means D = sunday
EPIC WIN FOR MEEEE!
I'm totally, undeniably and unequivocally taking FULL CREDIT for your reference to dance dance revolution! GO ME! My thoughts have influenced the great and awesome Allie!!!!
I feel like I just won a grammy (and no I don't mean the cute word for someone's grandmother...that would be quite an odd gift to hand out to random people..."tell them what they've won, Bob.."..."you've won grammy Hershaw!"...and no, I don't know who this "Hershaw" person is...I made it up.)
I should get like...a million and infinity internet points for this. At the very least, I'm going to act like I totally just did!
WEEEEEEEEE!
@allie: yep :D of course that most logical thing as you say is she buying a toaster...! in facet i have never heard of making toast in pans!!
p.s. this time riddled attracted me moer than your paintings and writting which is awesome.. esp tyrannosaurus looks great
oh and p.s.
yep, your drawrings (yes, drawRings) are wicked awesome!!!!
I would fly across the country just to be your Microsoft-painted-dinosaurs apprentice. Because everyone always wants an apprentice. Pretty sure it just means you wouldn't have to pay me but write me a stellar reference at the end of said apprenticeship. I would settle for a gold-plated dinosaur drawing.
I'm pretty sure nothing in this comment makes sense, so I probably should've just written, "Will you please teach me how to make dinosaurs using Paint?"
I'll have you know that I skimmed right over that first riddle and was consumed by a brief but sincere hatred as I tried to figure out the second.
Also, I think not-locked-up-chocolate is pretty much fair game. I'll uninstall door handles to get into rooms with chocolate, and that just ain't my fault. Or yours.
It's not your fault, Allie. It's not your fault. Allie? It's not your fault.
dude, if you have the discovery channel, you need to watch DESTROYED IN SECONDS! plenty of explosions there dude and NO PLOT! I tivo it (fiance insists on tivo, he pays for it, I benefit--SCORE!)and watch it after a horrendous day at school and it sooooooths the hyper in me. Also, there was a gun discovered at my school today so I totally watched 4 episodes. I think its on at 4 pm my time, so whatever that is in MT time. SO worth your time!
unless the internet guys that you were scared would rape you were only internet guys. then you don't have cable. in that case i bet they're on youtube or discovery online. Yay explosions! In fact, this has inspired me to write a blog post. I'll do it tomorrow when my amphetamines are fresh...
..............is this just foreplay?
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH. AMAZING. This is hysterical... oh, your life must be fun. :)
Mysterg -- I make my students do Einstein's riddle every year! They get so excited when they figure it out.
The dinosaur is great! I love how one of his arms is kind of dangling, like MAYBE he got it stuck in something and now he can't use it. That would explain why he had to steal your boyfriends goat instead of going to get his own. My friend has ADHD and he drinks a lot of mountain dew (he says it makes him feel calmer) and plays a lot of Xbox. Get an Xbox. Also, you might want to reconsider the whole skull rape thing...it's only a threat if they don't like it (=
Leaving stuff on the floor when someone's home all day long just screams "Finder's keeper's!!" so they were totally yours.
And I hate math riddles too. Ugh.
If you're counting votes, I also vote that your T-Rex drawing was really impressive. And I'm assuming that's not a 10 foot tall dead goat, and it's just much closer to me to help express my ownership. Which is like second, or maybe even third level artistic thinking. Well done!
Important stuff about your brain ... yeah, yeah, yeah, BUT CADBURY EGGS ARE OUT ALREADY?!
WHERE CAN I GET THEM!?
But, seriously, you should skull rape him anyway.
Math sucks and riddles suck, but your Microsoft Paint skills are amazing.
The dinosaur is GREAT. That one needs to be on a t-shirt. Get your butt over to Zazzle right now and then post a l ink. :)
Has no one every informed Boyfriend of the fact that there is no such thing as "saving" Cadburry eggs? That shit's like gold. If there are Cadburry eggs in my house, it's every man for himself.
You're right. He crazy. Hit him.
The math? Basically T-rex + dead goat + cadbury eggs = 0
Or something. I'm actually really bad at math.
New Follower! You're a mighty funny lady! Love the drawRings..
You know what? This can all be explained by brain chemistry. People to whose brains these riddles appeal have SQUARE BRAINS.
That might technically be brain geometry more than brain chemistry. I have a circularly triangular brain.
Alllllliiiieee. Did you miss me. I missed you. Stupid Vacation. Nah I loved it. But, I didn't get to check your blog. Now, my computers are broken and I still can't check your blog. Anyway, that was an awesome post. I nominated you for an award. Hopes you like it. What's wrong with alliteration. I like it. Skullfucking, not so much. Anyway, here is a riddle... sike..
Loves
Mepsipax
When I started reading this I was like “Ooo riddles! I love riddles!” Then I started reading the riddle and I felt pieces of my brain dying, and I wept a little. But you pulled through as always and revived every single cell with your skull raping, chocolate stealing, dead-goat eating T-rex post of awesome.
Doesn’t he know that he would need his dead goat back so that he could give it a proper burial? Doesn’t the goat deserve a little bit of dignity? It just seems like pure laziness on your boyfriend’s part. And he’s worried about you eating chocolate?
Darn it. I knew I shouldn't have left that dead goat on the lawn. Now what am I going to use in my ritual? Tell the bf that I can totally vouch for wanting my dead goat back, but then, who knew there were TRexes loose in my neighborhood? Then again, that would help explain some of the noises I hear at night.
but...WHAT ARE TEH ANSWERS?! I must know. I'm sure someone already posted this, but i'm too lazy to readt he comments. and type, apparently.
Candice-
Q1.Wednesday and
Q2.Step 1. Toast one side of two slices time: 30s
Step 2. Take one piece out, flip the other piece and put in the third piece. time: 1m if you don't count all the flipping and switching out bread
Step 3. Take out fully toasted piece. Flip piece number 3 and put piece number 1 back in teh pan on the uncooked side. Final time 1m 30s.
Step 4. Use extra 30s to either buy a toaster online or yell at your kids for being impatient little bastards and tell them that they actually CAN wait 30 more seconds for their toast.
I understand now.
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